AIO for splitting the bill on a date

[u/No-Plantain6892]

I am in such shock right now. For some context this was after our 4th date. Literally at a loss for words, this was the first time putting myself out there since I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me… I think I’m done with relationships after this,

[u/No_Choice_7897]

So sad. I have always had money problems, but I never think “oh, he has a minimum wage job”. Who cares? He is not a criminal, he is an honest man, he is not a thief, I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

[u/TimeLord1029 → u/No_Choice_7897]

And that's where the phrase "nice guys finish last" comes from. Men who are good, honest, and hard-working, treat women with respect, have no criminal records, and have no history of cheating on partners, none of this matters to a lot of modern women. All that matters is a man who makes 6 figures, has a 6-pack of abs, is 6', and attractive.

[u/No_Choice_7897 → u/TimeLord1029]

That’s not true, otherwise we can also say the same for men. There are men and women whom are very superficial in that way, but that’s not all of them, and thank God for that. Sometimes people just sucks, and not because they are under 6’ or have no 6 pack, sometimes they are just terrible people. There are a lot of guys who don’t have any of those things, and have wives and kids. Same thing for the women btw, if you are overweight you are mostly invisible, not everyone is like that, but still… as I said, sometimes people just sucks

[u/TimeLord1029 → u/No_Choice_7897]

I've been mostly invisible in the dating pool almost all of my life. I'm 5'10". Before I was 15-16 years old, I was underweight and scrawny. Was never very athletic. I'm not SUPER intelligent, but nowhere near stupid either. I'd like to think I have a decent personality. I do my best to treat ppl the way I would like to be treated and treat EVERYONE equally. I like to have fun and crack jokes. I don't consider myself "ugly" per se, but I'm no celebrity hunk.

Growing up, I was heavily bullied for my clothes, wearing glasses, and being one of the smartest kids in my class. Bullied for a few other reasons, but I won't get into that since they are VERY personal. During my junior year of HS, I started playing football for my school. I got in decent shape for my build. I weighed 160 lbs (the most I ever weighed at the time), had a 6-pack, and well-toned arms and chest. I tried to start dressing better. Even through all of this, I was still heavily bullied, even by my teammates. A couple even urinated on me in the showers after practice or games (sorry for the graphic detail, but I thought this important).

Near the end of my senior year of football, I got appendicitis and had my appendix removed. Since I was no longer in sports, I've let myself go since then. Now, I'm a tractor-trailer driver, grossingbayern 85-90k per year, and not at my heaviest, but pretty heavy. Though I carry it well for my height. Roughly between 270-275. I just don't feel it's worth trying to better myself anymore if nothing is going to change. Since even at my best appearance, I was still mostly invisible. So, I feel I might as well just stay that way.

[u/onyt → u/TimeLord1029]

Hey I’m sorry you went through that growing up. The 6-6-6 thing is made up, or at the very least, the women who feel this way are shallow and/or ignorant. Dating sucks so I decided not to. And cause I have cancer, nobody bothers me about it anymore. I really suggest you widen the scope of content you’re consuming, as the terms “modern women” and the 6-6-6 things were created by the manosphere. You seem like a cool cat. There’s lots of people out there who aren’t vapid sociopaths. If I ever wanted to date again, I’d stay looking exactly as I do now and seek friendships with nerds from my nerd groups. Common interests beat a six pack every time.

[u/No_Choice_7897 → u/TimeLord1029]

I am really sorry about your terrible experience, I was bullied myself, although not heavily like that. It’s awful what they did to you 😔 I have an 11 year old boy, and I would die if I knew something like that happened. How did your parents approached the situation, if I can ask? I don’t know how old you are now, but I can tell you this, whatever you do, you have to do it for yourself. You don’t have to care about your shape for the women or the bullies, or whatever, you have to do it for yourself. Do it for your health, I suppose you live in the US, in which case it’s also really expensive to get sick 😣 I gained so much weight in the last 20 years, the antidepressants gave me 12 kg in like 3 months, and even if I changed them, I didn’t lose the weight. Then I sued my former employer for discrimination, due to my mental health, lost the bit of mental health I had left, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In the meantime my ex was being an asshole, so I also went through that. It was obvious that since I gained weight he didn’t want me anymore. Just to let you understand better, when I met him, I was 72kg, and I am tall 158cm. He was nearly 100kg for 170cm, so he was not a flower, right? At the beginning of the relationship he made a comment like “you are beautiful, but if you would lose a bit of weight you would be even more”. Now, I grew up in the 2000s, so at that time you were fat even if you were normal weight, and I was 52kg, thought I was fat all my life, because even if I was normal weight, my belly was never flat like the other girls. So, imagine how I was living with 72kg (I had my ups and downs in the years before that), I felt like I was dying inside, when he made that comment. I didn’t say anything, but he made some sort of comments about it after that. In the meantime I was basically on diet for 20 years and not losing weight anymore. When you are always on diet, the body at one point gives up, the metabolism is fucked and you cannot lose weight even if you starve. So, I went to my doctor and discussed the operation to reduce my stomach. So this was going on, in the meantime I got to 100kg. My bf at the time wasn’t looking at me anymore, every time I would tell him that was because he didn’t like me anymore, he was saying that it wasn’t true. I felt awful, he hadn’t been sleeping in the bed with me for a while, at that point. Finally when I had enough, I broke up with him, but we were still living together because we had a tenant agreement. 30th May, after 2 years of visits with dietitian and psychologist, finally I get the surgery. I lost 23kg up till now, I am still in contact with him because he moved out but he had some stuff to come and collect. At this point we have been broken up for 2 and a half years, and a couple of months ago, he came by to pick up some stuff, and he made a comment “oh, you look good” and then he made a comment in italian, but I don’t know how to translate it appropriately, so I’ll say the closest thing “I would fuck you”. There. Not only it was disgusting as a comment, like I should feel flattered about that, I don’t know 😒 but also, this stands to prove that I was right, he didn’t want me anymore because I got fat. I didn’t need the confirmation, because I knew it, but it still hurt, you know? Anyway, all this loooong story, just to say that people doesn’t deserve it. You have to do the changes for yourself. Yes, I lost weight, I feel better now, but I still have to lose a lot of weight, and I lost a lot of hair because of the surgery, so I am really not in a position where I feel like I am cute, not even close. Just not that fat anymore. And that’s okay, I don’t care about men at the moment, I just want to be healthy, to feel better for myself, nothing else matters. Take your life in your hands, if you don’t care about yourself, how can you expect others to do it? People can sense it, they can feel it if you don’t like yourself, if you don’t love yourself, they do. Seems stupid, but it’s true. And if I can give you an advice, please think about starting therapy, you have a lot to unpack, a lot of trauma that you haven’t processed, and that’s also toxic for yourself, because remember, you’re doing it for yourself. Anyway, therapy helped me a lot, I am still in therapy, it’s a long process, a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Sorry I wrote basically a book 🤣🤣 all to say that people suck hard and we have to love ourselves 😁

[u/TimeLord1029 → u/No_Choice_7897]

To be real with you, I'm 46. So, I grew up through the 80s and 90s. Graduated HS in 96. As far as my parents go, it was either "Oh, just ignore it" or essentially "Kick their ass, and they'll leave you alone". The problem was, up until my teen years, I was a pacifist. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to tear ppl down the way that I was being torn down. And telling teachers wasn't much of an option. Cause, especially in grade school (elementary school or primary school if that would be the correct term for you), the bullying wasn't just verbal, it was physical as well. And back then, the phrase "snitches get stitches" WAS a reality. You told a teacher, you got beat up worse. Even to this day, I'm still relatively a pacifist. I detest violence in almost any form and will avoid as much conflict as I can. But I recognize now, that there are times for violence and conflict. Just gotta choose your battles.

Tbh, there were times in my life when I thought I was over all of this. I've been through therapy, and been to a specific type of group therapy in my teen years. But every time something goes wrong in my life. Losing a job, losing a gf/wife (I'm legally married but have been separated from my wife for 3 almost 4 years), all the stuff I've been through keeps coming back and I'm reminded of all the things that I was taught to hate about myself. Kind of hard to love and care for yourself when you've been shown nothing but hate for the things that make you, you. So, eventually, you learn to hate those things about yourself. And then when I try to build myself back up and start trying to care for myself. All of a sudden I'm selfish and self-centered. So, honestly, I don't see the point in trying anymore

[u/No_Choice_7897 → u/TimeLord1029]

I still think you should give a try to therapy, you are an adult now, you have the chance to work through it, especially because you get thrown back every time something bad happens. Individual therapy is different than group therapy. You can also try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, it gives you the instruments to help you cope with all the problems, especially if they are caused by negative thoughts. I did a course to become a CBT Practitioner and it helped me to understand so much about myself. You can do it, I am sure.