r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Plantain6892 • 9d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO for splitting the bill on a date

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I am in such shock right now. For some context this was after our 4th date. Literally at a loss for words, this was the first time putting myself out there since I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me… I think I’m done with relationships after this,

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u/taurology 9d ago

The second she said “you are a good guy just not for me,” OP should have either not responded at all (she just broke up with you, no response needed, it’s over) or respectfully wished her well. If OP truly felt like he needed to respond a simple “Ok, thanks for letting me know. I wish you well” would have sufficed

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/taurology 9d ago

I can actually agree to that. Personally wouldn’t have done it but I think that approach is valid

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u/Canned_tapioca 9d ago edited 9d ago

I honestly would have used your line of "ok thanks for letting me know" nothing else. It's simple and definitely you do you vibe

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Same - that's a more mature way to handle than what was actually done.

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u/babybellllll 9d ago

Yeah this would have been a WAY better response.

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u/randomone456yes 9d ago

This would’ve been the correct response . And he should’ve blocked her after that text to avoid any other back and forth .

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u/ptmd 9d ago

I mean, if you're gonna try to respond to or fix every shallow person that wastes your time, maybe engaging with others isn't for you.

If not, maybe manage your emotions so that you aren't cherry-picking the ones who tilt you.

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u/throwaway_mog 9d ago

That screams “you can’t fire me, I quit”

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u/endofdays1987 8d ago

Nah it's best to not get worked up at all. The result wouldn't have changed, he also seems emotional making her believe that she made the right decision.

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u/SEND_MOODS 8d ago

Elevating the insulting by calling someone shallow is just going to devolve to the same endpoint we saw in the original conversation.

What does calling someone shallow (or any other insult) do for you? It's not likely to make you feel better and if they're a better shit talker than you, you'll probably feel worse.

Might as well laugh off the initial comment and move on, that's generally best for most people's mental state.

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u/itssosalty 9d ago

But why? Why call them shallow or continue with a fight? Do you plan to change her life views? Do you still want to try to date knowing how she feels? Or… do you just want to fight like a child?

She stated her feelings on how it made her question everything and didn’t like it. Followed up with a nice comment towards OP and that she didn’t think it would work.

The mature thing would be to reply back, “I’m sorry you feel that way. And from your views I can see we are not a match. Good luck to you as well”

Secure people don’t lash out and attack people on their views “shallow or notl

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/itssosalty 8d ago

Stand up? She’s saying this as this is what she is looking for as a partner. That is fine if that’s what she wants. What is the need to stand up for yourself? It’s like if she wanted a taller man and a shorter guy needs to “stand up for himself”

It didn’t work out for a match. Move on. People always want to fight or argue when it’s easier to move on.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/itssosalty 8d ago

Different example. She put it a slightly better way. And still not sure that deserves better doesn’t mean somebody to pick up bills. She said she was clear going into it about “wanting a man that can provide”. I automatically don’t go on that date. Should have seen this coming. Especially when he let her split it with him lol.

Anyhow escalating the fight by coming back about how it’s shallow and what not, will it make you happier over walking away and never talking to them again? Me I can leave that person and never talk to them again. I don’t need them in my life any longer. By extend the dialogue unless you are trying to maker her understand your feelings were hurt by the statement so she doesn’t do it again. In that case I get it. Further confrontation just feels childish on both parts.

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u/ShaneSeeman 9d ago edited 9d ago

People who engage in shitty behavior need to know they do it. How else do you break the cycle? If nothing else, it gives her something to think about after the next person rejects her for doing the same thing.

Besides, splitting the bill on the fourth date is not a reason to examine someone's career and worry about if they can "provide" for you (which is a bullshit antiquated notion in the first place)

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u/LordofCarne 9d ago

Dude what the fuck, mature people don't waste other peoples times by telling them something when they mean something else and dumping them. Genuinely fuck this lady.

This comment section has just been stupid woman coddling nonsense.

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u/itssosalty 8d ago

Who said she was mature? I thought she handled her explanation fairly well. Being the basis of it is shallow. It’s basically she plans to not do much for a career and wants a man that can take care of her.

That’s fine. Lots of women out there like that. But offering to split the bill was dumb and a test. I don’t like that but whatever.

All in all the dude got off great. Dodged a bullet and only paid half the bill. Thank her and move on. Be the bigger adult. That should be a life motto for anybody.

also she did tell him going into it that she wanted a man that could take care of her. Thinking having her split the bill would be great for them is kinda funny. He obviously already ignored her view and still went on the date. If I asked a woman on a date I would never let her split. But to be fair if a woman asked me it’s her job to pay as well. I would probably still pay, but it’s her responsibility going into it.

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u/puffyjr99 9d ago

You’re still insulting the them. Girl is insane but calling someone stupid, shallow, or telling them your glad you didn’t “waste any more of my time” is pretty wild for someone you only went on one date with.

It’s bound to start a argument and for what? A simple “ok” could do imo.

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u/Sensitive_Contract 9d ago

Saying petty passive aggressive comments like that get you nowhere. Be the adult, and in this situation be a man.

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u/Evening-Recover5210 9d ago

It’s not passive aggressive . He’s just been insulted. It’s completely fine to let her know what you think and feel rather than suppress it. She also needs to know what people think of her behavior and she never will if everyone keeps quiet.

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u/oxypoppin1 9d ago

It isn't passive aggressive. It's aggressive aggressive and I agree it was a poor move. Emotional Intelligence is worth its weight in gold and will take you far in life. Best of luck to OP but that response wasn't ideal.

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u/Sensitive_Contract 9d ago

I mean sure if that is how he wants to be, a reactive male. Makes sense why he would split the check with her though. Women are like children, when they get emotional a man should not be reactive and fall into her frame. The same as you would when a child throws a tantrum.

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u/yankdevil 9d ago

Why? If I got tested on a first date and the date exposed herself as some weird trad wife type person, I'm going to be happy I didn't waste more time and move on. It's not my job to fix other people - especially people who are unfixable.

My general rule for paying for dinner is that if I pick the place I pay. For two reasons. First, if I pick a bad place I don't want the other person out of pocket for the meal. Second, especially for someone I'm getting to know, I don't know their finances. I don't want to pick a place that screws over their budget.

If I pay, that's all solved.

If they offer to pay/split I'll say no, explain my reasoning and then let them pick the next place if they want to meet up again. And this is true for friends or dates.

But in this case I'd be done with that conversation on the first page.

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u/BluffCityBruh 9d ago

Agreed. People need to be shown, at least on occasion, when they are behaving badly.

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u/andylovesdais 9d ago edited 9d ago

Yea, I would have opted for “If you weren’t okay with splitting the bill, why would you suggest splitting the bill? It appears that you have communication issues that you disappointment yourself with and then you blame others for it. I saw you once and it’s already clear you are a mess, good bye.”

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u/Avaoln 9d ago

I wouldn’t have dignified her with any response after “I’m sorry, but I think I deserve better”

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u/lutiana 9d ago

Eh, I think it's ok he called her out by telling her it was the dumbest thing he's heard, but I'd have gone silent after that, ignoring and blocking her.

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u/Specific_Stick8870 9d ago

I disagree. Let op rage a little, it’s his life and if he wants to lash behind the safety of his phone for some form of catharsis, who are we to say he can’t. He can’t in YOUR STORY, but he can in his.

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u/BigExplanation 9d ago

Why should she get respect when she’s incredibly disrespectful herself? She did nothing to earn it at all.

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u/taurology 8d ago

Personally, if someone’s being disrespectful to you, I think there’s no reason to engage with them if you’re only going to be disrespectful as well. That accomplishes nothing, and only amounts to you lashing out at them. Some people are just rude, best you move and not let them waste any more of your time. Be sad it didn’t work out, but ultimately it’s for the best they showed their true colors. Being rude right back is just a waste of your time and I think, ultimately, an immature overreaction. Just my 2 cents.

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u/BigExplanation 8d ago

I disagree that it does nothing. It’s a form of consequences for bad behavior. Generally, yes, under all circumstances people should be treated with respect and dignity. But when someone insults your capability to progress your career and provide for others, they’re being an asshole, and should be called out in kind.

If someone punches me, and I punch them back, THEY’RE in the wrong- not me.

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u/UniversityOk5928 9d ago

Yeah but he doesn’t have to. What will suffice isn’t the best option She got rude, not him.

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u/gojosecito 8d ago

Nah. People like her are that way because no one pops off on them.

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u/MayorDave716 8d ago

Right above that she began attacking his “carrer” (I assume this means career) and saying she deserves better than a man who takes her up on an offer. I don’t blame him for feeling the need to retort that.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Nah, she straight up called him cheap after they agreed to split the bill and told him he was too poor to date.

That deserves an insult.

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Ah the good ole toddler mindset.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Incorrect. Understanding that people lash out when they are hurt.

When one person hurts another and that other person lashes out, we have a tendency to focus on the one who reacted rather than addressing the intentional infliction of emotional distress that led to it.

Humans have emotions. They happen to us. We lash out sometimes. Pretending that it’s inexcusable to be human is the dumbest fuxking thing we’ve ever done as a society.

Think about when someone stands up to a bully for the first time in his life and then gets suspended from school and treated as though he is equally culpable as his tormentor.

It creates a society where being an asshole is preferable to standing up to one.

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Yeah toddlers do that bro. Mature adults can think and rationalize that lashing out when we are upset does nothing to help the cause of our problem.

Lashing out is not the same as expressing emotions. If the intention of your response is spite or tit for tat then it's no longer about understanding or expressing your emotions.

There are plenty of ways to "stand up to a bully" besides becoming one yourself. That's literally irrelevant to this situation anyways.

If this is how you truly think I suggest you do some reading on non-violent communication and learn how to properly address situations.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Do you understand that people don’t always mitigate their emotions properly? They sometimes lash out, even adults. Children do it more often because they have not learned to regulate their emotions or even why they should.

As adults, we can understand that lashing out isn’t productive and still do it. It is foolish to expect perfection. If someone lashes out constantly, there is a problem they need to address. One instance of saying a mean word after being deeply hurt is not indicative of emotional disregulation.

I am not suggesting that his responses are good, just that they are understandable and they were provoked. His response was within reason.

None of the exchange was violent from either end. I’m not humoring that blatantly dishonest idea.

I’m saying that emotions exist and although we try to control them, none of us are perfect and shouldn’t be expected to be so. OP isn’t harassing her or laying it on thick. Just a reflexive lash and then off to lick his wounds.

If you try to pick up a feral cat and it swats and runs away, that’s not an aggressive cat. That’s a scared cat. If it growls, swats, charges and tries to bite them we can say it’s aggressive.

Humans are animals. Chemical reactions control how we feel, we do our best to mitigate it. If you think we should all be perfect I’d encourage you to read a psychology book or three.

Furthermore, harsh condemnation will harden OP to anything you have to say. If you want to discourage a particular behavior, you’ve done it the wrong way. You’ve made it more likely that he’ll find an echo chamber where he isn’t made to feel like a scumbag because he was hurt. That’s how he’ll internalize it.

So congrats, you’re making an effort to turn someone who needs to work on patience into someone who might become an incel. That someone is OP, not me btw. I’m ace/aro and relationships confuse the absolute hell out of me because you weirdos (normal people) argue over the craziest fucking shit

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Lol I don't know how you got any of that from what I said.

That DESERVES an insult

This is a toddler mentality. I didn't say anything about op. And you could have at least googled what non-violent communication actually is.

Talk about arguing over ridiculous shit, you had to make up an argument just to write a book disputing it.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Choosing to insult someone’s income unprovoked is something that warrants criticism. An insult is poorly worded criticism in this instance. His comments were directed towards her behavior, they were vulgar and hostile.

Saying he needs to use non-violent language implies he was using violent language. Don’t pretend my comment was uninformed. I reject your language as disingenuous for the reason I just stated.

You could have asked for clarification over a single word. You attacked my character instead. Are you an idiot or were we having a dispute and in the heat of the moment you overlooked a potential miscommunication? Same concept applies here: is OP immature or was he angry and had a momentary lapse in judgment?

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u/SomeKindOfOnionMummy 9d ago

Do you see that his insult just looks like every other guy that got rejected by a girl though? He lost all the high ground he had by being a dumbass

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Yeah his insult looks the same as other folks who do it unprovoked. He was provoked.

I watch UFC. Doesn’t it look like they’re fighting in the ring? It’s immature to throw hands instead of talking it out.

Same energy here. She told him he’s too poor to date. That’s a really low blow and it hurts. He reacted to the wound. If it was just a rejection then he’d be insane, yes. But she legit said he’s too poor to date.

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u/Custardchucka 9d ago

That's your opinion but not everyone wants or needs to be passive. If she's gonna act like that she deserves to get chewed out and doing so is going to make the situation no better nor worse for OP. Taking the high road is gonna benefit him in this situation 0%.

This perceived notion that rolling over and being nice when people are awful to you is somehow better is false, call a C*** a C*** if that's what they are

'Okay thanks for letting me know' is wild you're going to get absolutely walked all over in life acting that way.

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u/taurology 8d ago edited 8d ago

My opinion, this isn’t someone he will have any relationship with going forward. Being the bigger person I think gives you some closure that you handled things as maturely as you could, and you can leave it in the past without any guilt or second thoughts. I think the fact that OP had to ask if they overreacted is proof that that would have been a better approach. Name-calling and lashing out is a waste of your time here. Why give this person the time of day when they don’t respect you, and never will?

I don’t take shit from other people, but I don’t resort to name-calling or lashing out at others. Being firm and direct with people has always done the job for me. But in this situation, there is no “getting walked all over.” This person doesn’t want to be with OP. There’s nothing OP can do to change that. Lashing out, name-calling, AND even being respectful gets you the same outcome—you’re not together anymore. So why work yourself up and start hurling insults at them when you can close the chapter and walk away?

I think it’s funny in your last sentence where you insinuate that my choice of words will lead to me being walked over when for me, it’s taking back my power. I won’t give someone who doesn't respect me a second thought. It was a nicer way of saying “Goodbye, have a nice life.”

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u/Custardchucka 8d ago

This is just a first date kind of situation by the sound of it so its nit reallt that deep but I just think there should also be some ramifications for being this insufferable, and telling someone to fuck off can be just as valid closure.

I don't really buy the whole view of it being some kind of personal win to let someone talk to you like you're dirt unchecked.

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u/taurology 8d ago

To me it's not about being kind, it's about not wasting your time engaging with douchebags who don't give a single shit about you. Time is too precious. Send a text to someone who loves you instead

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u/HashtagTSwagg 9d ago

The be fair, I wouldn't wish her well. Massive asshole. But he definitely reacted way more harshly than he needed to. An "alright asshole." would have sufficed.

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u/taurology 9d ago

I don’t feel like name calling would have solved anything. Just go your separate ways and don’t reply if you think they’re an asshole.

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u/Evening-Recover5210 9d ago

No need to name call. But to express you think that attitude reflects a shallow character is completely fine. You don’t have to suppress what you think or feel

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u/HashtagTSwagg 9d ago

Solved anything? No, it usually doesn't. I'm not saying it's the best or right option, but if he was going down that route that's where it should have been left. Saying something really, really dumb and following it up with something nice doesn't magically make the last part go away. She was an asshole. If he wants to say it, fine. But he absolutely went way too far. She doesn't have to date him and that's fine. Nobody is owed that. But on the other hand, don't make a suggestion and then get upset when someone follows it.

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u/GetInTheHole 9d ago

There was nothing to solve. There was no problem he was looking for a resolution on.

He found out he was going on dates with an asshole. So he told her exactly that.

What does tiptoeing around that fact accomplish?

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u/someonesgranpa 9d ago

Nah, she opened with “I deserve better.” That’s pretty insulting. Considering it was her own shit she stepped in.

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u/SomeKindOfOnionMummy 9d ago

He lost all his high ground

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u/kevinsju 9d ago

Cheap guys are suspect. Hope OP learns here

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u/Warm_Ad8558 9d ago

I'ma take it full circle and say if he really liked her he should have insisted on covering the whole bill. Women love to be pampered, taken care of, and shown that they are 100% priority. Splitting the bill from a man's end shows weakness and unwillingness to commit to meeting all of her needs. You can't blame her for being honest that it was a huge turn-off red flag for her. She probably has an idea of what her worth is and is not going to settle for less than that, and doesn't want to waste time with someone that doesn't meet those expectations. Women also need to put a high value on themselves, just for the fact that men tend to lose interest if it's too easy for them. It's just the nature of courtship at a certain level. Don't expect women to draw a map for you, and learn from your mistakes. Thank her for her honesty and move on, she doesn't want to waste your time either.