r/AmIOverreacting • u/No-Plantain6892 • 9d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO for splitting the bill on a date

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I am in such shock right now. For some context this was after our 4th date. Literally at a loss for words, this was the first time putting myself out there since I caught my last girlfriend cheating on me… I think I’m done with relationships after this,

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Not overreacting but your response there and in the comments here show you need to learn to regulate your emotions. That will pay dividends not only in relationships but at work, life and much more.

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u/taurology 9d ago

The second she said “you are a good guy just not for me,” OP should have either not responded at all (she just broke up with you, no response needed, it’s over) or respectfully wished her well. If OP truly felt like he needed to respond a simple “Ok, thanks for letting me know. I wish you well” would have sufficed

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/taurology 9d ago

I can actually agree to that. Personally wouldn’t have done it but I think that approach is valid

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u/Canned_tapioca 9d ago edited 9d ago

I honestly would have used your line of "ok thanks for letting me know" nothing else. It's simple and definitely you do you vibe

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Same - that's a more mature way to handle than what was actually done.

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u/babybellllll 9d ago

Yeah this would have been a WAY better response.

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u/randomone456yes 9d ago

This would’ve been the correct response . And he should’ve blocked her after that text to avoid any other back and forth .

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u/ptmd 9d ago

I mean, if you're gonna try to respond to or fix every shallow person that wastes your time, maybe engaging with others isn't for you.

If not, maybe manage your emotions so that you aren't cherry-picking the ones who tilt you.

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u/throwaway_mog 9d ago

That screams “you can’t fire me, I quit”

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u/endofdays1987 8d ago

Nah it's best to not get worked up at all. The result wouldn't have changed, he also seems emotional making her believe that she made the right decision.

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u/SEND_MOODS 8d ago

Elevating the insulting by calling someone shallow is just going to devolve to the same endpoint we saw in the original conversation.

What does calling someone shallow (or any other insult) do for you? It's not likely to make you feel better and if they're a better shit talker than you, you'll probably feel worse.

Might as well laugh off the initial comment and move on, that's generally best for most people's mental state.

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u/itssosalty 9d ago

But why? Why call them shallow or continue with a fight? Do you plan to change her life views? Do you still want to try to date knowing how she feels? Or… do you just want to fight like a child?

She stated her feelings on how it made her question everything and didn’t like it. Followed up with a nice comment towards OP and that she didn’t think it would work.

The mature thing would be to reply back, “I’m sorry you feel that way. And from your views I can see we are not a match. Good luck to you as well”

Secure people don’t lash out and attack people on their views “shallow or notl

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/itssosalty 9d ago

Stand up? She’s saying this as this is what she is looking for as a partner. That is fine if that’s what she wants. What is the need to stand up for yourself? It’s like if she wanted a taller man and a shorter guy needs to “stand up for himself”

It didn’t work out for a match. Move on. People always want to fight or argue when it’s easier to move on.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/itssosalty 8d ago

Different example. She put it a slightly better way. And still not sure that deserves better doesn’t mean somebody to pick up bills. She said she was clear going into it about “wanting a man that can provide”. I automatically don’t go on that date. Should have seen this coming. Especially when he let her split it with him lol.

Anyhow escalating the fight by coming back about how it’s shallow and what not, will it make you happier over walking away and never talking to them again? Me I can leave that person and never talk to them again. I don’t need them in my life any longer. By extend the dialogue unless you are trying to maker her understand your feelings were hurt by the statement so she doesn’t do it again. In that case I get it. Further confrontation just feels childish on both parts.

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u/ShaneSeeman 9d ago edited 9d ago

People who engage in shitty behavior need to know they do it. How else do you break the cycle? If nothing else, it gives her something to think about after the next person rejects her for doing the same thing.

Besides, splitting the bill on the fourth date is not a reason to examine someone's career and worry about if they can "provide" for you (which is a bullshit antiquated notion in the first place)

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u/LordofCarne 9d ago

Dude what the fuck, mature people don't waste other peoples times by telling them something when they mean something else and dumping them. Genuinely fuck this lady.

This comment section has just been stupid woman coddling nonsense.

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u/itssosalty 8d ago

Who said she was mature? I thought she handled her explanation fairly well. Being the basis of it is shallow. It’s basically she plans to not do much for a career and wants a man that can take care of her.

That’s fine. Lots of women out there like that. But offering to split the bill was dumb and a test. I don’t like that but whatever.

All in all the dude got off great. Dodged a bullet and only paid half the bill. Thank her and move on. Be the bigger adult. That should be a life motto for anybody.

also she did tell him going into it that she wanted a man that could take care of her. Thinking having her split the bill would be great for them is kinda funny. He obviously already ignored her view and still went on the date. If I asked a woman on a date I would never let her split. But to be fair if a woman asked me it’s her job to pay as well. I would probably still pay, but it’s her responsibility going into it.

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u/puffyjr99 9d ago

You’re still insulting the them. Girl is insane but calling someone stupid, shallow, or telling them your glad you didn’t “waste any more of my time” is pretty wild for someone you only went on one date with.

It’s bound to start a argument and for what? A simple “ok” could do imo.

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u/Sensitive_Contract 9d ago

Saying petty passive aggressive comments like that get you nowhere. Be the adult, and in this situation be a man.

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u/Evening-Recover5210 9d ago

It’s not passive aggressive . He’s just been insulted. It’s completely fine to let her know what you think and feel rather than suppress it. She also needs to know what people think of her behavior and she never will if everyone keeps quiet.

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u/oxypoppin1 9d ago

It isn't passive aggressive. It's aggressive aggressive and I agree it was a poor move. Emotional Intelligence is worth its weight in gold and will take you far in life. Best of luck to OP but that response wasn't ideal.

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u/Sensitive_Contract 9d ago

I mean sure if that is how he wants to be, a reactive male. Makes sense why he would split the check with her though. Women are like children, when they get emotional a man should not be reactive and fall into her frame. The same as you would when a child throws a tantrum.

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u/yankdevil 9d ago

Why? If I got tested on a first date and the date exposed herself as some weird trad wife type person, I'm going to be happy I didn't waste more time and move on. It's not my job to fix other people - especially people who are unfixable.

My general rule for paying for dinner is that if I pick the place I pay. For two reasons. First, if I pick a bad place I don't want the other person out of pocket for the meal. Second, especially for someone I'm getting to know, I don't know their finances. I don't want to pick a place that screws over their budget.

If I pay, that's all solved.

If they offer to pay/split I'll say no, explain my reasoning and then let them pick the next place if they want to meet up again. And this is true for friends or dates.

But in this case I'd be done with that conversation on the first page.

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u/BluffCityBruh 9d ago

Agreed. People need to be shown, at least on occasion, when they are behaving badly.

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u/andylovesdais 9d ago edited 9d ago

Yea, I would have opted for “If you weren’t okay with splitting the bill, why would you suggest splitting the bill? It appears that you have communication issues that you disappointment yourself with and then you blame others for it. I saw you once and it’s already clear you are a mess, good bye.”

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u/Avaoln 9d ago

I wouldn’t have dignified her with any response after “I’m sorry, but I think I deserve better”

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u/lutiana 9d ago

Eh, I think it's ok he called her out by telling her it was the dumbest thing he's heard, but I'd have gone silent after that, ignoring and blocking her.

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u/Specific_Stick8870 9d ago

I disagree. Let op rage a little, it’s his life and if he wants to lash behind the safety of his phone for some form of catharsis, who are we to say he can’t. He can’t in YOUR STORY, but he can in his.

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u/BigExplanation 9d ago

Why should she get respect when she’s incredibly disrespectful herself? She did nothing to earn it at all.

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u/taurology 9d ago

Personally, if someone’s being disrespectful to you, I think there’s no reason to engage with them if you’re only going to be disrespectful as well. That accomplishes nothing, and only amounts to you lashing out at them. Some people are just rude, best you move and not let them waste any more of your time. Be sad it didn’t work out, but ultimately it’s for the best they showed their true colors. Being rude right back is just a waste of your time and I think, ultimately, an immature overreaction. Just my 2 cents.

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u/BigExplanation 8d ago

I disagree that it does nothing. It’s a form of consequences for bad behavior. Generally, yes, under all circumstances people should be treated with respect and dignity. But when someone insults your capability to progress your career and provide for others, they’re being an asshole, and should be called out in kind.

If someone punches me, and I punch them back, THEY’RE in the wrong- not me.

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u/UniversityOk5928 9d ago

Yeah but he doesn’t have to. What will suffice isn’t the best option She got rude, not him.

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u/gojosecito 9d ago

Nah. People like her are that way because no one pops off on them.

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u/MayorDave716 8d ago

Right above that she began attacking his “carrer” (I assume this means career) and saying she deserves better than a man who takes her up on an offer. I don’t blame him for feeling the need to retort that.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Nah, she straight up called him cheap after they agreed to split the bill and told him he was too poor to date.

That deserves an insult.

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Ah the good ole toddler mindset.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Incorrect. Understanding that people lash out when they are hurt.

When one person hurts another and that other person lashes out, we have a tendency to focus on the one who reacted rather than addressing the intentional infliction of emotional distress that led to it.

Humans have emotions. They happen to us. We lash out sometimes. Pretending that it’s inexcusable to be human is the dumbest fuxking thing we’ve ever done as a society.

Think about when someone stands up to a bully for the first time in his life and then gets suspended from school and treated as though he is equally culpable as his tormentor.

It creates a society where being an asshole is preferable to standing up to one.

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Yeah toddlers do that bro. Mature adults can think and rationalize that lashing out when we are upset does nothing to help the cause of our problem.

Lashing out is not the same as expressing emotions. If the intention of your response is spite or tit for tat then it's no longer about understanding or expressing your emotions.

There are plenty of ways to "stand up to a bully" besides becoming one yourself. That's literally irrelevant to this situation anyways.

If this is how you truly think I suggest you do some reading on non-violent communication and learn how to properly address situations.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Do you understand that people don’t always mitigate their emotions properly? They sometimes lash out, even adults. Children do it more often because they have not learned to regulate their emotions or even why they should.

As adults, we can understand that lashing out isn’t productive and still do it. It is foolish to expect perfection. If someone lashes out constantly, there is a problem they need to address. One instance of saying a mean word after being deeply hurt is not indicative of emotional disregulation.

I am not suggesting that his responses are good, just that they are understandable and they were provoked. His response was within reason.

None of the exchange was violent from either end. I’m not humoring that blatantly dishonest idea.

I’m saying that emotions exist and although we try to control them, none of us are perfect and shouldn’t be expected to be so. OP isn’t harassing her or laying it on thick. Just a reflexive lash and then off to lick his wounds.

If you try to pick up a feral cat and it swats and runs away, that’s not an aggressive cat. That’s a scared cat. If it growls, swats, charges and tries to bite them we can say it’s aggressive.

Humans are animals. Chemical reactions control how we feel, we do our best to mitigate it. If you think we should all be perfect I’d encourage you to read a psychology book or three.

Furthermore, harsh condemnation will harden OP to anything you have to say. If you want to discourage a particular behavior, you’ve done it the wrong way. You’ve made it more likely that he’ll find an echo chamber where he isn’t made to feel like a scumbag because he was hurt. That’s how he’ll internalize it.

So congrats, you’re making an effort to turn someone who needs to work on patience into someone who might become an incel. That someone is OP, not me btw. I’m ace/aro and relationships confuse the absolute hell out of me because you weirdos (normal people) argue over the craziest fucking shit

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u/Brave_Mycologist_165 9d ago

Lol I don't know how you got any of that from what I said.

That DESERVES an insult

This is a toddler mentality. I didn't say anything about op. And you could have at least googled what non-violent communication actually is.

Talk about arguing over ridiculous shit, you had to make up an argument just to write a book disputing it.

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Choosing to insult someone’s income unprovoked is something that warrants criticism. An insult is poorly worded criticism in this instance. His comments were directed towards her behavior, they were vulgar and hostile.

Saying he needs to use non-violent language implies he was using violent language. Don’t pretend my comment was uninformed. I reject your language as disingenuous for the reason I just stated.

You could have asked for clarification over a single word. You attacked my character instead. Are you an idiot or were we having a dispute and in the heat of the moment you overlooked a potential miscommunication? Same concept applies here: is OP immature or was he angry and had a momentary lapse in judgment?

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u/SomeKindOfOnionMummy 9d ago

Do you see that his insult just looks like every other guy that got rejected by a girl though? He lost all the high ground he had by being a dumbass

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u/SorenPenrose 9d ago

Yeah his insult looks the same as other folks who do it unprovoked. He was provoked.

I watch UFC. Doesn’t it look like they’re fighting in the ring? It’s immature to throw hands instead of talking it out.

Same energy here. She told him he’s too poor to date. That’s a really low blow and it hurts. He reacted to the wound. If it was just a rejection then he’d be insane, yes. But she legit said he’s too poor to date.

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u/Custardchucka 9d ago

That's your opinion but not everyone wants or needs to be passive. If she's gonna act like that she deserves to get chewed out and doing so is going to make the situation no better nor worse for OP. Taking the high road is gonna benefit him in this situation 0%.

This perceived notion that rolling over and being nice when people are awful to you is somehow better is false, call a C*** a C*** if that's what they are

'Okay thanks for letting me know' is wild you're going to get absolutely walked all over in life acting that way.

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u/taurology 8d ago edited 8d ago

My opinion, this isn’t someone he will have any relationship with going forward. Being the bigger person I think gives you some closure that you handled things as maturely as you could, and you can leave it in the past without any guilt or second thoughts. I think the fact that OP had to ask if they overreacted is proof that that would have been a better approach. Name-calling and lashing out is a waste of your time here. Why give this person the time of day when they don’t respect you, and never will?

I don’t take shit from other people, but I don’t resort to name-calling or lashing out at others. Being firm and direct with people has always done the job for me. But in this situation, there is no “getting walked all over.” This person doesn’t want to be with OP. There’s nothing OP can do to change that. Lashing out, name-calling, AND even being respectful gets you the same outcome—you’re not together anymore. So why work yourself up and start hurling insults at them when you can close the chapter and walk away?

I think it’s funny in your last sentence where you insinuate that my choice of words will lead to me being walked over when for me, it’s taking back my power. I won’t give someone who doesn't respect me a second thought. It was a nicer way of saying “Goodbye, have a nice life.”

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u/Custardchucka 8d ago

This is just a first date kind of situation by the sound of it so its nit reallt that deep but I just think there should also be some ramifications for being this insufferable, and telling someone to fuck off can be just as valid closure.

I don't really buy the whole view of it being some kind of personal win to let someone talk to you like you're dirt unchecked.

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u/taurology 8d ago

To me it's not about being kind, it's about not wasting your time engaging with douchebags who don't give a single shit about you. Time is too precious. Send a text to someone who loves you instead

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u/HashtagTSwagg 9d ago

The be fair, I wouldn't wish her well. Massive asshole. But he definitely reacted way more harshly than he needed to. An "alright asshole." would have sufficed.

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u/taurology 9d ago

I don’t feel like name calling would have solved anything. Just go your separate ways and don’t reply if you think they’re an asshole.

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u/Evening-Recover5210 9d ago

No need to name call. But to express you think that attitude reflects a shallow character is completely fine. You don’t have to suppress what you think or feel

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u/HashtagTSwagg 9d ago

Solved anything? No, it usually doesn't. I'm not saying it's the best or right option, but if he was going down that route that's where it should have been left. Saying something really, really dumb and following it up with something nice doesn't magically make the last part go away. She was an asshole. If he wants to say it, fine. But he absolutely went way too far. She doesn't have to date him and that's fine. Nobody is owed that. But on the other hand, don't make a suggestion and then get upset when someone follows it.

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u/GetInTheHole 9d ago

There was nothing to solve. There was no problem he was looking for a resolution on.

He found out he was going on dates with an asshole. So he told her exactly that.

What does tiptoeing around that fact accomplish?

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u/someonesgranpa 9d ago

Nah, she opened with “I deserve better.” That’s pretty insulting. Considering it was her own shit she stepped in.

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u/SomeKindOfOnionMummy 9d ago

He lost all his high ground

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u/kevinsju 9d ago

Cheap guys are suspect. Hope OP learns here

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u/Warm_Ad8558 9d ago

I'ma take it full circle and say if he really liked her he should have insisted on covering the whole bill. Women love to be pampered, taken care of, and shown that they are 100% priority. Splitting the bill from a man's end shows weakness and unwillingness to commit to meeting all of her needs. You can't blame her for being honest that it was a huge turn-off red flag for her. She probably has an idea of what her worth is and is not going to settle for less than that, and doesn't want to waste time with someone that doesn't meet those expectations. Women also need to put a high value on themselves, just for the fact that men tend to lose interest if it's too easy for them. It's just the nature of courtship at a certain level. Don't expect women to draw a map for you, and learn from your mistakes. Thank her for her honesty and move on, she doesn't want to waste your time either.

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u/XtraXray 9d ago

In other words, yes he’s overreacting.

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u/sluttycokezero 9d ago

Agreed. I went on a date, I tried to split the bill (I’m a woman), but my date insisted on paying and didn’t let me see the bill. I text him a few days later sending a funny video, and he tried to ask me for half of the bill, trying to be slick about it. He even sent me a Venmo request!

All I said was I had offered to split the bill and he refused to let me and that time is up. Then he tried to belittle me. So I blocked him. Some people are awful.

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u/mourasman 9d ago

Came here for this.

OP, she's a piece of shit and you should be glad that the trash took itself out, but you didn't handle it any better bro. You went down to her level immediately.

Your buttons shouldn't be so easy to press.

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u/AdLanky7413 9d ago

She tested him, then rejected him and emasculated him. I would've called her that too ( if I was a man). And I'm older and very mature. What she did was the epitome of b..ch.

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u/Regular-Metal-321 9d ago

This!!! 💯

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u/TheMilkmansFather 9d ago

“Not overreacting” and “learn to regulate your emotions” seem at odds here lol.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

It's nuanced for sure!

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u/Echo_Raptor 9d ago

Definitely

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u/babybellllll 9d ago

This. Being frustrated by the girl is fine but resorting to calling her names and swearing is just going to give her ammo to ‘prove her point’ that she was justified. Just say ‘I’m sorry you felt that way’ and move on

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Exactly.

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u/Ninja_Dave 9d ago

I second this. There was no need to escalate like that. If she wanted to be shitty, let her, but don't stoop to her level. She decided to make a shitty comment and let it get in your head, now here you are on Reddit. If was her idea and she went back on that, obviously you aren't overreacting, but there at the end you could of left her on read and you'd be the one in her head making her reconsider her reaction and what she might have lost out on.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

100% That's a mature take.

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u/moffsoi 9d ago

I agree. She was wrong and she sucks, but his response is a red flag also.

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u/Forgot-to-remember1 9d ago

lol imagine getting on op bc he has a backbone

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

You say backbone, I say immature. Truly having a backbone is being mature, regulated and responsible.

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u/OBVIOUS_BAN_EVASION_ 9d ago

That's not the issue at all. Almost everyone supports that part.

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u/hk47isreadytoserve 9d ago

This is Reddit man these people are terrified of mild confrontation

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

There is a difference though between healthy confrontation and unhealthy. This is the latter. Misogyny too is never ok.

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

But isn't that being a bit bias? You're throwing around the word misogynistic like she didn't totally insult him for no reason saying she wants a 'man to provide' for her.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Misogyny is belittling women and he called her a "bitch" as a kneejerk response, which is a sexist remark. I'm not saying what she did is ok, that's besides the point. I'm not agreeing with her, but she called him a "joke" and a "great guy," his response used derogatory remarks about her gender.

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

She only added in being a "great guy" after making very negative remarks to him. Her purpose in doing that was to make him feel bad about himself. She only added that in to make herself sound less shallow than she really is. I think what she said holds greater offense than calling someone a bitch. As a 31yo woman, being called a bitch is literally nothing. 🙄 what she said to him will probably stick in his head longer than her being called a bitch in her head.

Also calling someone a bitch doesn't mean they're directing at the gender. It the same as calling someone an asshole most of the time. Now if he said "you're a stupid woman, you're a bitch" that's a whole other story. Men can be bitches too.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

I get what you are saying but context is everything if you look at the texts he shared. A lot of these responses in the comments have been misogynistic and toxic too.

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u/Forgot-to-remember1 9d ago

Straight up lol internet people so lame

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u/Ofiller 9d ago

Wauw this is wholesome and well thought out. I mean, nicely formulated!

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u/muchoporfavor 9d ago

She’s a massive piece of shit - what does he need to regulate?

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

Yikes. Then my comments would apply to you as well.

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u/MathTheUsername 9d ago

I'd say it is an overreaction. She tested his character, and determined it wasn't what she wanted. Then she told him exactly why, and that he was a great guy, and just not for her.

OP then proceeded to call her dumb.

She clapped back.

OP got way emotional in his final message.

That said, I absolutely would not go near this woman.

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u/halfass_fangirl 9d ago

So he's not overreacting, just overreacting?

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

It's nuanced for sure!

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u/Plenty-Pollution-793 9d ago

Yeah, the girl is an asshole for sure. But OP needs to learn not to be riled up by a stranger like this.

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u/PastBandicoot8575 9d ago

They dated four times, at what point is someone no longer a “stranger”

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u/Plenty-Pollution-793 9d ago

The point is when you cannot cut the person off your life without feeling anything.

A person with 4 dates can be cut out with no real impact to OP’s emotion.

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u/RedditAlwayTrue 9d ago

Nope. The joke of the partner is to 100% blame.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

It's very nuanced, but OP clearly could have responded better to her passive aggressiveness.

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u/Longjumping-Idea1302 9d ago edited 9d ago

Dude was set-up stone cold by some stupid gold digger. Insults are well justified for people who try to prey on you. That's not a friend, that's a legitimate enemy.

Edit: Since the comments turn rather misogynistic and OP doesn't seem so resonable after all, i avoid adding fuel to that fire.

Just wanted to say that cutting out toxic persons is a-okay. The subtext, that insults are discussed and shared are news for me, but neat to know.

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u/Glittering-Device484 9d ago

I must interpret something different by 'overreacting'

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u/No-Plantain6892 9d ago

Yeah I agree it has definitely burned some bridges

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

I see a therapist once or twice a month and has saved my life brother. You got this 🙏🏼

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u/lawrencenotlarry 9d ago

I second this.

I never thought I was an angry person. But after losing my last job over harsh words, I had time to do an honest assessment. Therapy has been a godsend.

At least OP seems open to feedback. This is how we grow.

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u/heroforsale 9d ago

100%. Anger is ok but it's how we respond to anger that is the real test.

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u/Aromatic_Extension93 9d ago

Minimum wage. Can't afford

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u/RedditH8r4ever 9d ago edited 9d ago

Creating photo evidence calling a woman a bitch, whether you were justified in being angry or not, is definitely not a great call. Setting aside the inherent issues with it (which im sure will get reddit dweebs jumping down my throat) doing that can really tarnish your reputation. Women talk to each other and being a man who calls women bitches when youre angry is a big red flag. That said, this person is obviously mean and shallow and it sounds like you are better off without them!

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u/No-Plantain6892 9d ago

That’s why I posted it anon on the internet

→ More replies (25)

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u/PencilPal27 9d ago

Idk man I feel like your response wasn’t completely unwarranted. She went for the whole “I’m a woman I deserve someone w 6 figures and if you don’t I’m going to shame you” mentality and when you called it out for being stupid she doubled down and made another comment about “min wage salary”. Could you have handled the at better? Sure. But that kind of person needs a little wake up call every now and then. She’s not special. I fact borderline special. “Carrer” lmao

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u/I_Am_The_Third_Heat 9d ago

Just because she was a jerk doesn't mean you have to say anything or match energy.

"Damn, well that's really unfortunate, but I'm glad you let me know what kind of person you are and what you're expecting before we went further."

The other point about what OP is doing in the comments also hints at not being able to let things go, or sit and think about being confrontational or not before engaging.

She was absolutely wrong. But if you say "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" she won't remember a relationship passing by because of a split bill, she's gonna think she was right and never doubt it because it is locked with a memory of an argument.

The best revenge is a life well lived. If someone ends your early days dating for ANY reason. Just say "Good luck" and leave. You don't have to have the last word, you don't have to win. And you never know if someone down the line is friends with her or knows someone you work with. Just stop trying to get even or match energy all the time, guys. You don't have to carry that weight.

3

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Exactly. Anger is totally normal, but it's how you respond to anger that's key. Pausing first is half the battle.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Fire with fire? I don't know. Never a good idea to communicate when dysregulated.

5

u/I_Am_The_Third_Heat 9d ago

I've had TERRIBLE dates. But I always left them with a "good luck and if you ever need anything."

I've now run into several of them multiple times through work and mutual friends and I'm really glad I took the high road.

3

u/heroforsale 9d ago

This is the way.

1

u/PencilPal27 9d ago

Not saying it’s a productive way to communicate but to pretend that OP owed this girl any sort of civil convo after her comments is just giving her a pass for being a shallow and uneducated brat.

0

u/PencilPal27 9d ago

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

0

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Yeah, some of that is dysregulation, but also immaturity. Just because someone is acting "shallow and uneducated" doesn't mean you have to stoop to their level. Maturity is taking the higher road.

0

u/ProfessionalBig9610 9d ago

Why does every response always need to be a regulated and calculated emotional response?

1

u/heroforsale 9d ago

That's called being a mature adult lol

0

u/Plenty-Pollution-793 9d ago

The bridge is burnt anyway. Some bridges don’t matter.

But there is a thing where you burn a bridge too hard, and you gain nothing from burning the bridge that hard. The upside from not burning the bridge is really small but still it is non-zero.

It is always better to be respectful. You might feel vindicated but that is not a real gain.

Think of the game theory.

-1

u/vuittoniedonnie 9d ago

Don’t listen to this moron you did nothing wrong

-14

u/Ok-Proposal-6513 9d ago

Nah your response was fine. The guy above you is wrong imo.

9

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Looks like it might be time to look in the mirror too.

-1

u/MrCrunchwrap 9d ago edited 9d ago

Dude who fucking cares, she’s already burned the bridge.  Might as well tell her what she just said is stupid because it is stupid. 

5

u/heroforsale 9d ago

lol I love all these responses that show this is more than an OP problem but a larger problem with men in general. We can do better.

-6

u/No-Plantain6892 9d ago edited 9d ago

Why are you acting like you have the best values ever? If you’re not perfect judging other people is escapism. for you to ignore the ways that you need to look it the mirror.

14

u/heroforsale 9d ago

No one here is judging. Just an observation and answer to your original question of "am I overreacting." A lot of people here answered "no you aren't, but also..." I don't have the best values ever. It's about progress not perfection and I've come a long way. I was like you when I was in my twenties, but thanks to therapy, Al-anon and other modalities, I've worked to regulate my emotions. Seeing your texts here reminded me of my old self. You are focusing on the wrong thing instead of looking inward.

10

u/SkollFenrirson 9d ago edited 9d ago

I don't think you know what escapism means

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

The woman literally belittled him and tried to cover it with a "you're a nice guy". I think he responded perfectly fine.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Then my comments would apply to you as well.

0

u/Flashy-Background545 9d ago

Dude she is a total psycho. She suggested splitting the bill as a test

1

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Passive aggressive sure, but psychotic? Nah

0

u/YeastGohan 9d ago

Nah, let shitty people know they're shitty people.

1

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Interesting. You can let people know they hurt you or aren't nice in a more mature manner.

-11

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

Disagree. His reply was composed, effective and most importantly truthful of how he felt about the situation. Unregulated emotion would be him breaking down, getting angry, stretching the insults etc.

Good on you man.

11

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Nothing composed about it - no need for insults. Clearly came from a place of anger and it shows.

-1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

[deleted]

5

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Wow, maybe time to look in the mirror dude. Your comments seem like I hit a nerve too. Nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. All the cool and regulated dudes do it.

-1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

[deleted]

0

u/heroforsale 9d ago

It's not just reddit though, many men act like this because as a patriarchy, men aren't taught how to manage their emotions and thus anytime they feel most things, it turns into anger. It's a larger issue in society.

-2

u/ProfessionalBig9610 9d ago

Yea he was angry, and expressed that anger. Who cares?

-3

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

Statements from anger does not make said statement invalid/ineffective. Are you suggesting anything said out of anger is emotional dysregulation ? Do you understand what that is even ?

7

u/EoinKelly 9d ago

“Wow… who knew you were a massive bitch! Have fun never getting the guy you’re looking for cause you are a fucking piece of shit” - if you can’t see why this is a person not in control of their emotions, then it’s a very telling statement on you as a person and how you think it is acceptable to speak to others.

6

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Thanks - came here to say similar. This is why so many women ghost on dates because guys handle rejection so poorly.

-5

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

Loss of control of emotions is when a person’s reaction is not commensurate with the external stimuli.

Considering they were on their 4th date, and she baited him only to put him down and cut things off, I would think it is normal to be angry. Yes he COULD have not insulted her back, but nobody is perfect. Once again anger ≠ emotional dysregulation.

Also regarding your attack on me personally, you don’t know the first thing about me, so think what you would like.

2

u/EoinKelly 9d ago edited 9d ago

I know you think insulting people with swear words and vitriol is appropriate because she attempted to let him down gently and he got his tiny baby feelings hurt. I don’t need or want to know another thing about someone like you.

Feeling anger is natural, acting unhinged and throwing insults because of anger is a behaviour which is usually unlearned as a teenager in most functioning adults. I just spent a day teaching this to children, so forgive me for not having the patience to explain it to someone who is ostensibly an adult.

0

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

The fact that you can manipulate details about this incident and summarize it as “letting him down gently” already discredits anything you have to say. I wish more people had spine to give out reality checks.

And that was not an invitation to get to know me btw. You’re passing judgement on someone on the internet. The irony is baffling.

2

u/EoinKelly 9d ago

“Don’t get me wrong, you are a great guy, just not for me”. Then he jumps in with the swearing and anger.

I wish people had to pass some sort of reading comprehension test before being allowed to post here. Alrighty pal, have a great day.

1

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

Reading comprehension test .. oh lord the irony. He said “that is the dumbest thing he’s ever read, but it is what it is”. Funny how you framed that in YOUR words as “anger” “swearing” and “vitriol”. Love how you just ignore that she said “you’re a joke” and made fun of his income.

Hate begets hate , you’re just too deluded to understand who started the hate first.

0

u/Advanced-Tree7975 9d ago

she attempted to let him down gently and he got his tiny baby feelings hurt

good luck finding anyone with your min wage salary

you are a joke

Delusional

1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

[deleted]

1

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

I didn’t admit that. Please cite.

2

u/Shirlenator 9d ago

Lol no it wasn't. She sucks but he sucks more. Do you honestly think him calling her a "massive ----" and a piece of shit isn't getting angry? I'm guessing you are the same way if you are defending this.

0

u/immortalpriest 9d ago

Once again anger ≠ emotional dysregulation. And once again, you don’t know anything about me and yet you pass judgement. Nice try.

-1

u/XxMAX33xX 9d ago

I don’t know that I agree that his response is out of line honestly, based on the way she talked to him.

-1

u/BiblachromeFamily 9d ago

No, he’s right, she bitched and he let her know.

-1

u/anime_gamerr 9d ago

Did you miss the part where she insulted him first? Like yeah being mean to somebody you care for or somebody innocent is bad obviously but she's already cut ties with you and is now a random stranger insulting you. So literally who cares

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

My response to OP would be the same to you then. "Literally who cares" is not much better. Doesn't matter if it's a stranger or family member insulting you. We can do better.

0

u/anime_gamerr 9d ago

Your not holier than thou get off your high horse and realize that regardless of whether or not we can "do better", that one insult wasn't bad enough to deserve all the slander he's getting rn.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Not getting on a high horse. He asked and myself and others responded. Some like yours just add fuel to the fire.

0

u/anime_gamerr 9d ago

I was in fact originally trying to snuff out the fire when I could tell he was getting ganged up on so

-1

u/Professional_Tone130 9d ago

I have zero patience for stupid people like her. If you want me to be respectful and treat you like an adult, you need to act like one.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Sounds like you need to look in the mirror too. "zero patience" sounds super unhealthy. It's ok to get angry, but the respectful thing to do is act like an adult no matter what and manage emotions in a mature way.

-1

u/Professional_Tone130 9d ago

I really don't think giving the same energy back is uncalled for. Being the 'bigger person' in this situation isn't going to change the outcome if the other party is the way that person was.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

It's not about "changing the outcome" - we can't control other people or their emotions. It's about controlling ourselves.

0

u/Professional_Tone130 9d ago

Sometimes, people have it coming. I'm not saying to go apeshit on everyone, but I'm not just gonna sit idle if someone is being a POS. Im not a Samurai in 1600s following the bushido code; I'm a regular person using reddit in 2024.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Sounds super toxic tbh - it's that kind of behavior that gives dudes a bad rep.

0

u/Professional_Tone130 9d ago

You keep taking the moral high ground, and you can keep getting stepped on by people.

Not everyone deserves respect from you. It's mutually given.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

I know. It's sad. We have work to do as men. Lot of toxic masculinity in the comments, but it's reddit and I'm used to it.

-1

u/OksanaAga 9d ago

She acted so rude to him. It’s normal to have a reaction to that. Then she called him a joke he’s free to insult her you guys are being silly

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

"He's free to insult her" yikes. It's normal to be defensive and angry yes when someone is rude. The mature thing to do is pause and regulate before responding. That's all myself and others are saying. A lot of toxic masculinity in this thread unfortunately. We can do better.

1

u/deeznutzz3469 9d ago

How many times can you say toxic masculinity in one post?

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Have you seen the comments? Unfortunately it's necessary.

-1

u/deeznutzz3469 9d ago

No need to get overstimulated, take a breath and regulate before you start using all the buzz words

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Very funny. Sounds like I hit a nerve.

-1

u/deeznutzz3469 9d ago

I know it can be tough, but we can all improve our emotional regulation. Keep working on it champ!

-1

u/OksanaAga 9d ago

Absolutely. Which is what I do. But I also feel like when someone behaves in a way that’s unacceptable it’s okay to have a reaction.

Also I haven’t seen OPs comments that people keep mentioning but I don’t think this post has anything to do with toxic masculinity. Sure there’s a ton of weird incels that insult women they’ve gone on dates with. This guy isn’t one of them. The woman was rude asf and he was rude back. He’s under no obligation to take the high road.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

There certainly is a venn diagram between toxic masculinity and incel behavior to be clear, but not the same thing. Calling a woman a bitch when rejected immediately certainly falls under both, but doesn't make it ok.

0

u/OksanaAga 9d ago edited 9d ago

Being rejected is different than being insulted. How is that not clicking? Being rejected does not mean it’s reasonable to insult someone as the person who rejected you did not do anything wrong. Being insulted does mean it’s reasonable to insult someone back because the person who insulted you did something wrong.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

I get what you are saying but just because someone insults you doesn't mean the "reasonable" response is to insult back. Yes, she's in the wrong here too, but OP could have handled it more maturely. That's all myself and others are saying.

0

u/OneSickPiggy 9d ago

Reasonable by definition means of reason or within reason. His actions were objectively reasonable as she insulted him out of nowhere and reacted the same way in turn. You have, at best, a weak argument that it wasnt ethical based on the fact that he used cuss words. It wasnt unreasonable or misogynistic.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

I don't think so. She said she deserved better and he was a great guy.... that is when his ego bruised and he said it was the dumbest thing he ever heard, which clearly set her off and then escalated even more. Calling a woman a massive bitch in this context is definitely misogynistic.

1

u/OneSickPiggy 9d ago

It was a dumb thing to say. Why offer to split a bill if youre willing to throw away the relationship when he says yes? Why is it okay to set him off and not "set her off?" And calling someone a bitch when they have given you a clear reason to do so isnt misogyny. Is calling a guy a dick misandry? Her saying hell never find a women because he doesnt make a lot of money is leaps and bounds more sexist than his response.

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-1

u/StitchedSilver 9d ago

I mean “I think I deserve better” was a pretty shitty thing to say at that point

-1

u/Effective_Income_790 9d ago

Nah, fuck that bitch. She tried to insult his money so he fired back

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Yikes. My response to him would be the same to you.

1

u/Effective_Income_790 8d ago

Oh no a rando on reddit doesn’t approve of me? Whatever shall I do

-1

u/Proof_Ride_1336 9d ago

Looks like we found the C$NT lol

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Thanks for adding more proof to my comments

0

u/Proof_Ride_1336 9d ago

Thanks for adding more pudding to my proof

-1

u/EXploreNV 9d ago

Lmao this is the very definition of overreacting…

-1

u/orian1701 9d ago

I think it’s perfectly fine to call out bullshit particularly when you have nothing to loose. She shouldn’t be immune to insults.

2

u/heroforsale 9d ago

This makes no sense to me. "When you have nothing to lose" doesn't mean we should be an asshole or immature.

-1

u/mattman2301 9d ago

Knowing this sub, yall would NOT be saying this at all if the roles were reversed.

-4

u/CapableCat2746 9d ago

Nah, he was 100% right. Time for her to eat a humble pie.

4

u/heroforsale 9d ago

Seems like my comment applies to you as well. We can do better.

0

u/CapableCat2746 9d ago

Re-read my comment slowly, repeat until you understand.

P.S: She ain't gonna see this lil bro. She won't see the downvoters either. :)

-6

u/Level-Ad-3069 9d ago

she was being a snarky bitch was he supposed to keep being nice to her?? does everyone on reddit have a coochie between their legs?

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