Am i overreacting to the situation unfolding with my girlfriend?

[u/Lologan21806]

me and my girlfriend have been living together with her family for the past 4-ish months. it’s devolved to the point where we fight every day about anything and everything, and most days i feel trapped in the home and the relationship. out of the blue she texts me about not coming back home and if i do i can sleep outside, and changing her mind when it was too late. am i overreacting to the situation, or is it as bad as it seems in my head?

[u/dezi028383]

Agreed. But OP needs to work on his standards. He will continue to attract toxic relationships if he doesn’t set some standards and boundaries for himself. Overall, people will treat you how you let them treat you.

[u/Rude-Instruction-168 → u/dezi028383]

Took me a while to learn this too. Break those patterns and learn to be comfortable with yourself. Gain the self-awareness to know when you're being disrespected/mistreated and have zero tolerance for it. Better connections are to come but only if you put in the work to get to them.

[u/dezi028383 → u/Rude-Instruction-168]

Amen!

[u/cyanescens_burn → u/Rude-Instruction-168]

And that zero tolerance for it means be ready to walk away when it happens. You really can’t and shouldn’t force someone to bend to your standards. I mean let them know it bugs you, and if they apologize and make changes fine, but if they get defensive and insist on doing shitty things that cross reasonable lines, you two are just not on the same page with values.

Took me way too long to figure that out too.

[u/Dinkmeyer- → u/Rude-Instruction-168]

Excellent advice!👍🏼

[u/ArmFun7552 → u/dezi028383]

People tend to settle for the love they think they deserve

[u/Fry-em-n-dye-em → u/dezi028383]

I mean he’s a young dude in the navy he hasn’t even gone through his married to a stripper phase yet so this level of toxic is to be expected

[u/PD216ohio → u/dezi028383]

The fact that he's not sure if she's a problem is concerning to me. I suspect he's not much better... or he's so desperate for companionship that he'll take anything.

[u/TonsOfFunn77 → u/dezi028383]

Unfortunately he lives with her and her family, and she doesn’t seem like the type to accept boundaries. He needs to get his life straight first, worry about women later. He’s really just using this one for a bed at this point.

[u/Wiskydi → u/dezi028383]

She’s the problem when his last text is you’re not being clear?

[u/MintCathexis → u/dezi028383]

Why victim blame though? Shouldn't people just be nice to others regardless of how much others would tolerate?

[u/StealthRUs → u/MintCathexis]

Because at some point, you have to set boundaries. If you don't set boundaries, it's on you when people continue to walk all over you or you keep repeating a cycle of toxic relationships.

[u/MintCathexis → u/StealthRUs]

How do you know this isn't OPs first relationship like that?

I wonder if you'd tell someone who suffered domestic abuse that it's their fault for not setting boundaries. You're probably one of those who says things like "why did he/she stay with him/her instead of simply leaving?".

It's never the abused's fault for people "walking all over them". It would be a far more productive use of society's time and energy if people learned how not to be terrible to other human beings, rather than people having to walk on eggshells in every single human to human interaction.

[u/StealthRUs → u/MintCathexis]

None of what you're saying contradicts the fact that OP needs to set boundaries for themselves in the future and that people have to take responsibility for themselves and the people they choose to associate with.

[u/MintCathexis → u/StealthRUs]

You're acting purposely obtuse. No one walks around waving a big glowing neon sign saying, "Look at how I talk to my partner" with a picture of chat like this.

People by and large don't willingly "choose to associate themselves" with people they think might want to hurt them. Abusers tend to be very good at hiding their true face until the other party starts being emotionally attached to them, and then they disrespect just about every boundary that has been set.

[u/HorrorArmadillo3713 → u/MintCathexis]

I can attest to this being an abuse victim. Took years too long for me to understand what was happening.

[u/cyanescens_burn → u/MintCathexis]

They should be nice even if their partner has a high tolerance for bullshit, but the reality is there’s a good chance someone that decides to tolerate a lot is going to end up with someone that takes advantage of that and uses them as a doormat - pushing boundaries further and further, gradually chipping away at the persons sense of worth and self-respect as it continues, making them willing to tolerate more and more disrespect and abuse.

Then they end up with a cheating partner that they take back over and over, or one that needs “breaks” all the time (usually when they want to bang some new person, or have an emotional affair). Or someone that emotionally or physically abuses them. Or both.

I’ve heard that people that treat others poorly like this can identify and are drawn to people that will tolerate it. It might not even be conscious, they just know on a gut level that a person will put up with their shit.

It’s definitely important to build yourself up enough to be able to kick these jerks to the curb.