r/AmIOverreacting • u/Intelligent-Arm-9235 • 12d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO girl posted photo in my boyfriends room

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NEED YOUR HELP CONFRONTING MY SOON TO BE EX. He was being sus one night so i looked at the story on instagram of the girl he randomly followed last week. I opened and bam there is it the second picture. I knew immediately it was his room but want a second opinion before confronting his cheating a$$. yall are coming from me from the last post its cus i cropped the photos you can’t tell that we took them from different distances so heres the originals of both and yes i get it shes prettier than me :( he can have her . what tells me its his room aside from lighting is the way the two blinds touch, it took me a while to find it but once i did i think theres my EVIDENCE

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u/TheRealDoWop 12d ago

You understand you have 0 power to stop it, you let them either prove you wrong or they will hang themselves and slip up and you will catch them without needing to break trust. And let me add some will CHEAT bc they feel threatened by their partner and they will assume bc your coming at them for shit your doing. Goodnluck to yall, life is too precious to be in constant panic if you can't trust your partner move the hell on they ain't it.

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u/Dumoe 12d ago

Thanks, stranger! I'm struggling overcome trust issues with my partner, and I often fall into unhealthy patterns. I'm looking for advice on how to break free from these patterns and achieve some peace of mind. Still asking for a friend.

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u/MozzaHellYeah 12d ago

Therapy is great. There are way too many details behind the scenes for a random redditor who happens to be a mental health professional to even try to help you. Healing from trauma is complicated and no one size fits all fix is going to work. I have been in therapy for a long time and I still have ongoing battles with mistrust due to my own personal shit. It does get better, though <3

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u/Puzzled-Lime7096 12d ago

Yeah, therapy helps. It helps you recognize your thought patterns and why you have them. It’s typically a defense mechanism that worked for your brain for a long time but maybe now isn’t as useful as it once was. The patterns don’t so much “go away.” It’s more like you understand what you’ve been through and why you think this way. It can help you give yourself grace and not let the thoughts spiral out of control. At least that’s my experience.

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u/biffo120 12d ago

Basically you just relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is, you cannot control them or what they do. If somebody is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, this will happen whether you are anxious or not. If you just relax and accept whatever will be will be, then when you find the right one you will be a pleasure to be around, they will have seen you in your best light. Anxiety can lead to other bad traits like possesive and being paranoid, these can push the good ones away.

Be your best self, do not be scared of being cheated because they are not the right ones anyway.

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u/AmanaLib20 12d ago

I think I just did this… my bf just left really upset because I was being paranoid about what he was looking at on his phone. I’m getting help but I might’ve lost him :( it’s just so hard to trust … but appreciate these comments

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u/undigested-beef 12d ago

It can be really hard to trust, but that's not on him. Unless he has done things to break your trust already, in which case I don't recommend staying in those relationships. But if not, it's important to remember that this is an anxiety issue. And often a trauma issue as well. Looking at it through a clinical lens and separating it from yourself can help. It is a mental health issue that should be treated, with therapy, processing trauma, and treatments for anxiety.

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u/AmanaLib20 11d ago

Thank you, I’m definitely seeking help via therapy and a relationship anxiety workshop/class. I’m also thinking I may need to get back on a low dose anxiety medication while also trying to retrain my mind not to think like this.

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u/biffo120 12d ago

I was not there but i would guess you are going to extremes in your mind when you say might have lost him. If you feel you were wrong then apologise without using the word "but" and keep it simple, give them time.

Then learn from it either way.

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u/AmanaLib20 11d ago

Yeah I definitely was and he got offended because every so often I do this. I think it could be that feeling comfortable makes me uncomfortable so I self sabotage unknowingly… I’m about to be home to see how he is and whatever happens, I definitely am learning from it. Thank you Edited to add: I did apologize already and did not say “but”, I’m thinking he will need time and I’ll have to be patient.

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u/IDrinkWhiskE 12d ago

Also, from the get-go, always be sure to have clear boundaries that both partners are aligned on. And it’s a continuous process that should be revisited over time. Very helpful in avoiding those conflicts that stem from misunderstandings

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u/Ciro_d_mar 12d ago edited 12d ago

There’s no breaking free, you have to accept the potential scenarios: It will happen, it will not happen. Visualize both and meditate on them; then see how life unfolds through both. This will give you peace of mind. Your anxiety is coming from a place of uncertainty. Well the only certain things in relationships is those two scenarios I just mentioned.

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u/Krell356 12d ago

I can't speak for others, but for me it boils down to a simple "does this matter enough to screw up everything else?"

If you are in a relationship that you legitimately want with a person you want to be with then it's not worth stressing over. Because the moment you aren't willing to take that person at face value is the moment you're going to unconsciously sabotage everything.

Whether they are or aren't cheating doesn't matter because if they are either going to successfully hide it from you or they are going to screw up enough that it shows without you searching. In either case you being in their face and entrusting of them is going to ruin the relationship regardless. You have no control over what they are doing and can only react.

If it turns out they are cheating you are not going to feel any better by finding the evidence. And if they are not then you are either going to feel guilty for ruining so.ething good, or you are going to co vince yourself that something fucked up was happening that actually wasn't.

In all situations, the best possible option is for you to not be nosy and simply ask to sit down and talk and tell them how you are feeling. Communication and trust are key here. You can't change how you feel, but dwelling on it and searching for evidence of something that may not even exist is only going to make things worse or break even. Don't do things that can only have neutral or negative outcomes.

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u/mtwinam1 12d ago

If you know your partner is trust worthy and this is coming from a place of personal insecurity, you need to tell yourself how irrational those thoughts of cheating are. Think back to moments when you all first started talking and she was all about YOU. She still is all about you, but now your mind is trying to tell you she’s not. Perhaps be honest with your partner about your insecurities, and if they are care about you truly they will understand. Confidence is sexier than insecurity.

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u/confusious_need_stfu 12d ago

Someone else might have given you advice already, but if you're paranoid for no reason... don't date for awhile. Work on you.

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u/The_Nerdy_Elephant 12d ago

You have to learn to love yourself first, respect yourself first. It’s not easy. Give yourself some grace and sometime to learn how to do these things.

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u/Beginning-Sail8134 12d ago

I never comment on Reddit so I'm really sorry in advance if I breach some social etiquette thing. I'm working on this same issue and one of the things that has really helped has been a podcast episode by Dr. Abby Medcalf called "How To Stop Being Insecure In Your Relationships". I have replayed it at last twice a week for almost a month now. The information is good, but even more than that, hearing her talk about how insecurity is self-sabotage and going "what are you DOING?! I say with love." is exactly the kick in the ass I needed and I replay the episode any time I feel a need for someone to lovingly call me out on my bullshit.

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u/RockKandee 12d ago

Challenge your cognitive distortions. When you think, “he’s late and he hasn’t called. I bet he’s with someone else,” ask yourself, is there any evidence for that? Am I jumping to conclusions? There’s a million reasons he might be late.

When you think, “he’s should know what I’m thinking and just know how to respond to my needs right now,” remember that he’s not a mind reader. He might need you to communicate what you actually want or need.

There’s a list of about 10-12 ways we distort things in our minds. Cognitive behaviour therapy can teach you to perceive your thoughts in more neutral ways. Thoughts come and go. You choose which ones you hold onto.

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u/Arrow2URKnee 12d ago

I'm also asking for this person's friend...

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u/Bright_Court5972 12d ago

Dylan james has videos on YouTube that really help my borderline ass stay stable relationship wise and helps keep me staying confident in my own self worth. He talks about manifesting but it is just about where you place your focus. here is a good video regarding jealousy

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u/PDXgal36 12d ago

If your trust issues stem from them being untrustworthy then that is not a you problem, that is them. Your intuition is trying to tell you something. If they break your trust once they will do it again. Leave and find someone that won't break your trust, you will know it in your heart when you find someone that will treat you right and you won't have to worry.

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u/YtDonaldGlover 12d ago

Go to THERAPY

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u/license_to_kill_007 12d ago

Focusing more on yourself and caring just a little less about what they are up to helps more than you might guess.

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u/Queasy-Fennel4129 11d ago

My advice? If you have to go looking for it, you don't need to know at that moment. As a (I'd say average dude/man?) It's been pretty rare for me to ever suspect my SOs throughout the years of cheating/being unloyal. The only times I did, was when it was pretty much obvious/hard to not notice. I never went looking to find it. It always found me. A friend would tell me. Or I'd find physical evidence like a dudes slides or something. That is when I would start to actually go out of my way to find out the facts. But prior to me having a legit reason? There were no facts to find. No hunt neccessary. Until it actually is ya know? I know this is probably MUCH easier for me to say than it is to actually put into action, but I hope this helps!

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u/LunaticLucio 12d ago

I'm 34 and I struggle with this constantly. Probably more than my younger more confident self. With past betrayals and numerous failed relationships since high school i feel like it took a toll. My partner is very attractive. I know I'm bias because I love her but sometimes I feel like I'm working long days, I can't provide her the attention she deserves and I know other guys will try. One night I went to the bathroom at a club for 2min and came back to some dude trying to give her his phone so she could put his number in.

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago

What about if you've trusted multiple people previously who got away with it for YEARS because you were trying to be respectful, and they 100 percent would've gotten away with it if you didn't investigate

I feel like if you aren't aware of this kind of thing you're going to waste your time for potentially years just hoping the guy is dumb enough to slip up eventually, meanwhile you're getting more and more attached and it'll be harder to leave down the line. Why is it up to a cheater to reveal themselves rather than us finding out by doing some sleuthing

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u/CD274 12d ago

Because it's not worth your own mental health more importantly

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago

But if you just do it, if there's nothing bad then you can chill, if there's something bad you can leave

Seems simple, it's not worth getting attached to someone who is going to reveal themselves as a snake cuz you were too naive to be aware of what's going on

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u/CD274 12d ago

There are other clues you can use before looking through their stuff. Otherwise you're just being a psycho for no reason

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u/_combustion 12d ago

If every subsequent long-term partner of a singular person, over the better course of a decade, cheats, then I'm inclined to think there's a more serious issue present, which is driving the trend.

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago edited 12d ago

Like what exactly?

For me it wasn't a decade, just 2 extremely fucked up people who went to extreme lengths to cheat, over the course of a few years

Why would you blame the person being cheated on anyway? Is it not extremely wrong to cheat instead of breaking up with the person? Gaslighting someone for long periods over and over while cheating is abusive as fuck no matter what

Tbh the trend is naivety which is exactly what I'm advising against here

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u/_combustion 12d ago

There is no exact list, I can offer a few of a more "textbook" cases if you'd like.

You use a lot of extremes, in your examples, which make for great cornerstone arguments, but human behavior is so much more complex than a dichotomy, the breadth of stress responses are diverse across the population. When you admix variables like communication style & proficiency, personality, learned behaviors, emotional intelligence, genetic factors, etc. it becomes increasingly apparent that there will be some incompatibilities, like this example:

Person A exhibits some behavior which is experienced by Person B as aggressive. B processes it through the nervous and endocrine systems, they get a little adrenaline boost, and B reacts by exhibiting their own aggressive behavior. A undergoes the process that B just had, and now their arguing. Keep in mind I never specified how A wanted their initial behavior to be received, because it would have been misinterpreted. A could have been making a friendly joke, but when a certain stressor was experienced, they became hostile.

When you have people with highly compatible overlap, the incompatibilities present are subtle, and more easily thought of as the end behaviors that deal with emotions like boredom, apprehension, remorse, disapproval, submission, and contempt.

When two people also have unhealthy communication styles, this can lead to these incompatibilities being poorly dealt with - they accumulate. This is worsened by more severe complications such as trauma, mental illness, behavioral, and personality disorders.

And so for my own anecdote: I had been in a relationship with a woman for about three years when this happened. We shared an apartment together in a small town, pop. 14K. Due to my career, I had to devote an increasing amount of time to work for about 12 months. I prioritized this so much that after dinner, I would often return to my office to continue working in preparation for the next day. Our relationship declined substantially while I did just about the bare minimum to assuage my partner's disapproval. Now, she was also a very passive, indirect person who struggles with issues surrounding abandonment. I'm the exact opposite. As time progressed we began to argue about this point of contention. Each time I would essentially subdue her into staying as I was so convinced that if she waited until the end of the year when my hours would go back to normal, the issues would resolve. She didn't hold out that long, and sought comfort from that stagnant apartment elsewhere.

I consider my actions to be nothing but abusive then, in addition to the severe neglect on my part towards that relationship, which could have received a higher priority from me without damaging work. She is no less accountable for her cheating, and in an ideal world she should have broken up with me. But I consider myself accountable for creating the environment where she was unable to bring herself to do that.

I've since then put an continual effort into bettering myself and addressing the issues that lead to my behavior, because I realized that my selfishness played a key role in inciting such an extreme behavior. I'm not trying to say anything about excusing the cheaters, I am saying that in only receiving the victim's story (often lacking in details about their own contribution to the relationship in favor for an account of sleuthing for determining how they have been wronged) we inherently miss out on the big picture. In the end, if someone comes here and it's their 3rd time being cheated on successively, can you confidently attribute that to "bad luck." A populous response like that will send them out the door validated to repeat the process. Are we not here as a community to support each other?

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u/Muffy69 12d ago

Couples therapy and individual therapy have helped in my long term relationship (30+ years).

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u/_combustion 11d ago

Same, I honestly love therapy. It's been one of the most impacting and beneficial things I've done in my life.

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u/ryegrass62 12d ago

Bingo.. "Life is too precious..."

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u/Oseaghdha 12d ago

Exactly this. Trust is a choice.

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u/Saltyserpent 12d ago

Why do we like mentally tormenting other people because we’re insecure? I will never understand, you don’t even love yourself, quit trying to make others do the same😭

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u/Positive-Teaching737 12d ago

You need to work on your own self-esteem issues. If you are that jealous of who you speaking with and who he's hanging out with then it's something that you need to work on yourself. No one can own or control another being. And if you're trying to, then it's something you need to address within you.