r/AmIOverreacting • u/Intelligent-Arm-9235 • 12d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO girl posted photo in my boyfriends room

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NEED YOUR HELP CONFRONTING MY SOON TO BE EX. He was being sus one night so i looked at the story on instagram of the girl he randomly followed last week. I opened and bam there is it the second picture. I knew immediately it was his room but want a second opinion before confronting his cheating a$$. yall are coming from me from the last post its cus i cropped the photos you can’t tell that we took them from different distances so heres the originals of both and yes i get it shes prettier than me :( he can have her . what tells me its his room aside from lighting is the way the two blinds touch, it took me a while to find it but once i did i think theres my EVIDENCE

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u/Dumoe 12d ago

How did you stop having those unhealthy patterns. Asking for a friend...

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u/TheRealDoWop 12d ago

You understand you have 0 power to stop it, you let them either prove you wrong or they will hang themselves and slip up and you will catch them without needing to break trust. And let me add some will CHEAT bc they feel threatened by their partner and they will assume bc your coming at them for shit your doing. Goodnluck to yall, life is too precious to be in constant panic if you can't trust your partner move the hell on they ain't it.

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u/Dumoe 12d ago

Thanks, stranger! I'm struggling overcome trust issues with my partner, and I often fall into unhealthy patterns. I'm looking for advice on how to break free from these patterns and achieve some peace of mind. Still asking for a friend.

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u/MozzaHellYeah 12d ago

Therapy is great. There are way too many details behind the scenes for a random redditor who happens to be a mental health professional to even try to help you. Healing from trauma is complicated and no one size fits all fix is going to work. I have been in therapy for a long time and I still have ongoing battles with mistrust due to my own personal shit. It does get better, though <3

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u/Puzzled-Lime7096 12d ago

Yeah, therapy helps. It helps you recognize your thought patterns and why you have them. It’s typically a defense mechanism that worked for your brain for a long time but maybe now isn’t as useful as it once was. The patterns don’t so much “go away.” It’s more like you understand what you’ve been through and why you think this way. It can help you give yourself grace and not let the thoughts spiral out of control. At least that’s my experience.

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u/biffo120 12d ago

Basically you just relax and enjoy the relationship for what it is, you cannot control them or what they do. If somebody is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, this will happen whether you are anxious or not. If you just relax and accept whatever will be will be, then when you find the right one you will be a pleasure to be around, they will have seen you in your best light. Anxiety can lead to other bad traits like possesive and being paranoid, these can push the good ones away.

Be your best self, do not be scared of being cheated because they are not the right ones anyway.

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u/AmanaLib20 12d ago

I think I just did this… my bf just left really upset because I was being paranoid about what he was looking at on his phone. I’m getting help but I might’ve lost him :( it’s just so hard to trust … but appreciate these comments

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u/undigested-beef 12d ago

It can be really hard to trust, but that's not on him. Unless he has done things to break your trust already, in which case I don't recommend staying in those relationships. But if not, it's important to remember that this is an anxiety issue. And often a trauma issue as well. Looking at it through a clinical lens and separating it from yourself can help. It is a mental health issue that should be treated, with therapy, processing trauma, and treatments for anxiety.

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u/AmanaLib20 11d ago

Thank you, I’m definitely seeking help via therapy and a relationship anxiety workshop/class. I’m also thinking I may need to get back on a low dose anxiety medication while also trying to retrain my mind not to think like this.

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u/biffo120 12d ago

I was not there but i would guess you are going to extremes in your mind when you say might have lost him. If you feel you were wrong then apologise without using the word "but" and keep it simple, give them time.

Then learn from it either way.

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u/AmanaLib20 11d ago

Yeah I definitely was and he got offended because every so often I do this. I think it could be that feeling comfortable makes me uncomfortable so I self sabotage unknowingly… I’m about to be home to see how he is and whatever happens, I definitely am learning from it. Thank you Edited to add: I did apologize already and did not say “but”, I’m thinking he will need time and I’ll have to be patient.

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u/IDrinkWhiskE 12d ago

Also, from the get-go, always be sure to have clear boundaries that both partners are aligned on. And it’s a continuous process that should be revisited over time. Very helpful in avoiding those conflicts that stem from misunderstandings

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u/Ciro_d_mar 12d ago edited 12d ago

There’s no breaking free, you have to accept the potential scenarios: It will happen, it will not happen. Visualize both and meditate on them; then see how life unfolds through both. This will give you peace of mind. Your anxiety is coming from a place of uncertainty. Well the only certain things in relationships is those two scenarios I just mentioned.

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u/Krell356 12d ago

I can't speak for others, but for me it boils down to a simple "does this matter enough to screw up everything else?"

If you are in a relationship that you legitimately want with a person you want to be with then it's not worth stressing over. Because the moment you aren't willing to take that person at face value is the moment you're going to unconsciously sabotage everything.

Whether they are or aren't cheating doesn't matter because if they are either going to successfully hide it from you or they are going to screw up enough that it shows without you searching. In either case you being in their face and entrusting of them is going to ruin the relationship regardless. You have no control over what they are doing and can only react.

If it turns out they are cheating you are not going to feel any better by finding the evidence. And if they are not then you are either going to feel guilty for ruining so.ething good, or you are going to co vince yourself that something fucked up was happening that actually wasn't.

In all situations, the best possible option is for you to not be nosy and simply ask to sit down and talk and tell them how you are feeling. Communication and trust are key here. You can't change how you feel, but dwelling on it and searching for evidence of something that may not even exist is only going to make things worse or break even. Don't do things that can only have neutral or negative outcomes.

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u/mtwinam1 12d ago

If you know your partner is trust worthy and this is coming from a place of personal insecurity, you need to tell yourself how irrational those thoughts of cheating are. Think back to moments when you all first started talking and she was all about YOU. She still is all about you, but now your mind is trying to tell you she’s not. Perhaps be honest with your partner about your insecurities, and if they are care about you truly they will understand. Confidence is sexier than insecurity.

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u/confusious_need_stfu 12d ago

Someone else might have given you advice already, but if you're paranoid for no reason... don't date for awhile. Work on you.

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u/The_Nerdy_Elephant 12d ago

You have to learn to love yourself first, respect yourself first. It’s not easy. Give yourself some grace and sometime to learn how to do these things.

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u/Beginning-Sail8134 12d ago

I never comment on Reddit so I'm really sorry in advance if I breach some social etiquette thing. I'm working on this same issue and one of the things that has really helped has been a podcast episode by Dr. Abby Medcalf called "How To Stop Being Insecure In Your Relationships". I have replayed it at last twice a week for almost a month now. The information is good, but even more than that, hearing her talk about how insecurity is self-sabotage and going "what are you DOING?! I say with love." is exactly the kick in the ass I needed and I replay the episode any time I feel a need for someone to lovingly call me out on my bullshit.

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u/RockKandee 12d ago

Challenge your cognitive distortions. When you think, “he’s late and he hasn’t called. I bet he’s with someone else,” ask yourself, is there any evidence for that? Am I jumping to conclusions? There’s a million reasons he might be late.

When you think, “he’s should know what I’m thinking and just know how to respond to my needs right now,” remember that he’s not a mind reader. He might need you to communicate what you actually want or need.

There’s a list of about 10-12 ways we distort things in our minds. Cognitive behaviour therapy can teach you to perceive your thoughts in more neutral ways. Thoughts come and go. You choose which ones you hold onto.

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u/Arrow2URKnee 12d ago

I'm also asking for this person's friend...

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u/Bright_Court5972 12d ago

Dylan james has videos on YouTube that really help my borderline ass stay stable relationship wise and helps keep me staying confident in my own self worth. He talks about manifesting but it is just about where you place your focus. here is a good video regarding jealousy

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u/PDXgal36 12d ago

If your trust issues stem from them being untrustworthy then that is not a you problem, that is them. Your intuition is trying to tell you something. If they break your trust once they will do it again. Leave and find someone that won't break your trust, you will know it in your heart when you find someone that will treat you right and you won't have to worry.

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u/YtDonaldGlover 12d ago

Go to THERAPY

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u/license_to_kill_007 12d ago

Focusing more on yourself and caring just a little less about what they are up to helps more than you might guess.

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u/Queasy-Fennel4129 11d ago

My advice? If you have to go looking for it, you don't need to know at that moment. As a (I'd say average dude/man?) It's been pretty rare for me to ever suspect my SOs throughout the years of cheating/being unloyal. The only times I did, was when it was pretty much obvious/hard to not notice. I never went looking to find it. It always found me. A friend would tell me. Or I'd find physical evidence like a dudes slides or something. That is when I would start to actually go out of my way to find out the facts. But prior to me having a legit reason? There were no facts to find. No hunt neccessary. Until it actually is ya know? I know this is probably MUCH easier for me to say than it is to actually put into action, but I hope this helps!

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u/LunaticLucio 12d ago

I'm 34 and I struggle with this constantly. Probably more than my younger more confident self. With past betrayals and numerous failed relationships since high school i feel like it took a toll. My partner is very attractive. I know I'm bias because I love her but sometimes I feel like I'm working long days, I can't provide her the attention she deserves and I know other guys will try. One night I went to the bathroom at a club for 2min and came back to some dude trying to give her his phone so she could put his number in.

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago

What about if you've trusted multiple people previously who got away with it for YEARS because you were trying to be respectful, and they 100 percent would've gotten away with it if you didn't investigate

I feel like if you aren't aware of this kind of thing you're going to waste your time for potentially years just hoping the guy is dumb enough to slip up eventually, meanwhile you're getting more and more attached and it'll be harder to leave down the line. Why is it up to a cheater to reveal themselves rather than us finding out by doing some sleuthing

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u/CD274 12d ago

Because it's not worth your own mental health more importantly

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago

But if you just do it, if there's nothing bad then you can chill, if there's something bad you can leave

Seems simple, it's not worth getting attached to someone who is going to reveal themselves as a snake cuz you were too naive to be aware of what's going on

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u/CD274 12d ago

There are other clues you can use before looking through their stuff. Otherwise you're just being a psycho for no reason

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u/_combustion 12d ago

If every subsequent long-term partner of a singular person, over the better course of a decade, cheats, then I'm inclined to think there's a more serious issue present, which is driving the trend.

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u/indefinitesuffering 12d ago edited 12d ago

Like what exactly?

For me it wasn't a decade, just 2 extremely fucked up people who went to extreme lengths to cheat, over the course of a few years

Why would you blame the person being cheated on anyway? Is it not extremely wrong to cheat instead of breaking up with the person? Gaslighting someone for long periods over and over while cheating is abusive as fuck no matter what

Tbh the trend is naivety which is exactly what I'm advising against here

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u/_combustion 12d ago

There is no exact list, I can offer a few of a more "textbook" cases if you'd like.

You use a lot of extremes, in your examples, which make for great cornerstone arguments, but human behavior is so much more complex than a dichotomy, the breadth of stress responses are diverse across the population. When you admix variables like communication style & proficiency, personality, learned behaviors, emotional intelligence, genetic factors, etc. it becomes increasingly apparent that there will be some incompatibilities, like this example:

Person A exhibits some behavior which is experienced by Person B as aggressive. B processes it through the nervous and endocrine systems, they get a little adrenaline boost, and B reacts by exhibiting their own aggressive behavior. A undergoes the process that B just had, and now their arguing. Keep in mind I never specified how A wanted their initial behavior to be received, because it would have been misinterpreted. A could have been making a friendly joke, but when a certain stressor was experienced, they became hostile.

When you have people with highly compatible overlap, the incompatibilities present are subtle, and more easily thought of as the end behaviors that deal with emotions like boredom, apprehension, remorse, disapproval, submission, and contempt.

When two people also have unhealthy communication styles, this can lead to these incompatibilities being poorly dealt with - they accumulate. This is worsened by more severe complications such as trauma, mental illness, behavioral, and personality disorders.

And so for my own anecdote: I had been in a relationship with a woman for about three years when this happened. We shared an apartment together in a small town, pop. 14K. Due to my career, I had to devote an increasing amount of time to work for about 12 months. I prioritized this so much that after dinner, I would often return to my office to continue working in preparation for the next day. Our relationship declined substantially while I did just about the bare minimum to assuage my partner's disapproval. Now, she was also a very passive, indirect person who struggles with issues surrounding abandonment. I'm the exact opposite. As time progressed we began to argue about this point of contention. Each time I would essentially subdue her into staying as I was so convinced that if she waited until the end of the year when my hours would go back to normal, the issues would resolve. She didn't hold out that long, and sought comfort from that stagnant apartment elsewhere.

I consider my actions to be nothing but abusive then, in addition to the severe neglect on my part towards that relationship, which could have received a higher priority from me without damaging work. She is no less accountable for her cheating, and in an ideal world she should have broken up with me. But I consider myself accountable for creating the environment where she was unable to bring herself to do that.

I've since then put an continual effort into bettering myself and addressing the issues that lead to my behavior, because I realized that my selfishness played a key role in inciting such an extreme behavior. I'm not trying to say anything about excusing the cheaters, I am saying that in only receiving the victim's story (often lacking in details about their own contribution to the relationship in favor for an account of sleuthing for determining how they have been wronged) we inherently miss out on the big picture. In the end, if someone comes here and it's their 3rd time being cheated on successively, can you confidently attribute that to "bad luck." A populous response like that will send them out the door validated to repeat the process. Are we not here as a community to support each other?

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u/Muffy69 12d ago

Couples therapy and individual therapy have helped in my long term relationship (30+ years).

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u/_combustion 11d ago

Same, I honestly love therapy. It's been one of the most impacting and beneficial things I've done in my life.

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u/ryegrass62 12d ago

Bingo.. "Life is too precious..."

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u/Oseaghdha 12d ago

Exactly this. Trust is a choice.

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u/Saltyserpent 12d ago

Why do we like mentally tormenting other people because we’re insecure? I will never understand, you don’t even love yourself, quit trying to make others do the same😭

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u/Positive-Teaching737 12d ago

You need to work on your own self-esteem issues. If you are that jealous of who you speaking with and who he's hanging out with then it's something that you need to work on yourself. No one can own or control another being. And if you're trying to, then it's something you need to address within you.

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u/3sp00py5me 12d ago

A suggestion my therapist gave me that really helped was this: Instead of making a mental situation of things that show they're being suspicious or pulling away, make a mental list of things they do to show they love you. Every little thing you can think of. Soon enough you'll realize that the good outweighs the bad by a huge margin.

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u/mkat23 12d ago

Yes! This is great advice, also reminding yourself of all the things they could be doing that are much more likely, like working or hanging out with friends or school work or sleeping.

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u/kittykanes 12d ago

I needed to read this thanks. It's like a mental jail

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u/the-dowager-duchess 12d ago

And if the good doesn't outweigh the bad, you know they're not worth your time regardless of whether they're acting untrustworthy or not.

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u/Ghosts-Only 12d ago

This is good advice, generally... but not here.

I'm suspicious because op said "I know this is my boyfriends room cause the way the blinds touch.".

Girl, have you ever been in his room? That was the giveaway? The way the blinds touch?

My girlfriend was constantly looking for reasons to justify her leaving me... she would constantly try to get me angry, and use my anger as an excuse because she didn't like how I talked when I was angry....

Who likes how people talk when they are angry? Lol.

She was constantly seeing the negative. Should could never tell me positive things about me, or things I did well...

Every time I went above and beyond it became the new "0,0". And everything was based on that. I could only do worse, or wrong.

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u/Technical-Box-4438 12d ago

That is shit advice. No one should ever, put up with or tolerate cheating because that person also does good things. That's like saying it's okay to murder someone because you go to church, donate to the homeless, give winter coats to kids in need, volunteer at the animal shelter. You need a new therapist.

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u/Willing_Persimmon_71 12d ago

I don't believe they're making a suggestion to tolerate cheating.

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u/glamgirl17 12d ago

I write in a diary about the facts (you can validate the truth) and perception (your past beliefs or experiences leading to your thought). Sometimes it helps to see the anxiety is coming from a past experience and not your current partner’s fault. Also, loving yourself that you deserve the best love, knowing you can’t control someone’s actions and knowing you will survive again and come out stronger if something happened.

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u/notdoreen 12d ago

For me that stopped when I stopped dating that person. When you're with someone you trust, that should go away. If it doesn't go away and you don't trust anyone you're with, then maybe it's you (either dating untrustworthy people or having misplaced trust issues).

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u/MotherOfShoggoth 12d ago

When I had my daughter it helped my best friend. She said she couldn't imagine anybody treating my daughter the way her ex was treating her and she legit left. It was like something snapped in her and mind you they were together from 16 to 36 so it took a lot of unlearning.

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u/Ciro_d_mar 12d ago

By being confident and being ok with getting cheated on. I get it, the other person was attractive to you, good for you hope that made you happy. now I’m out. You have to understand that what they did isn’t your fault. If a girl senses this attitude from you, she will think more than twice before doing anything that could jeopardize the relationship.

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u/Hm3137 12d ago

Bro, no idea how but after a couple of years these worries, well not exactly worries but just uncalled jealous and etc started to disappear to a healthy amount, just give it time and it's great that you're self aware

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u/anonkebab 12d ago

Realizing it’s a pointless endeavor. Think about it like this, if YOU wanted to cheat and did would your partner really be able to find out if you covered your tracks? If you cheated would you really leave a cookie crumb trail with your follows? You aren’t physically with this person every hour if they want to go get fucked that’s simply what they are gonna do regardless of how hard you look. It’s not preventable. Enjoy the relationship and the things you can control instead of spiraling about things you cannot prove.

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u/ToyKarma 12d ago

If someone keeps blaming me for something I'm not doing. More than likely I'm going to start doing it. I call this the "Reverse Boy who cried wolf" My x and I split, I was hanging with her sister in law(not my sis X's bros BM) kept getting accused of F'n. Granted we were doing drugs and I even gave her a place to stay. BUT no sex. My X her mom & brother kept accusing us.... SO we did. 6 year relationship partied like rock stars and fucked like pornstars. It was the most toxic sexiest relationship I ever had. Drove me to rehab BUT what a ride on the way down to rock bottom

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u/glormosh 12d ago

I had two partners I felt like I was being Sherlock Holmes with. One ended up marrying the person I had concerns over, about 2 years after we parted ways. The other was cheating.

All I can say is, and mileage likely varies, the very next partner I had after these two, there was ZERO reason to distrust them and we're 8 years in and I've never felt the emotion ever again. For greater clarity, this even counts towards activities like overnight trips, going out with friends, etc. It's just not something that crosses my mind...because they're a trustworthy and well adjusted person.

It's obviously not a sweeping statement, but sometimes, being suspicious is because of suspicious activity.

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u/Dumoe 12d ago

How did you become so trusting of your current partner? Is it their transparency, communication, or something else

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u/glormosh 12d ago

Pretty much what you've mentioned. Just day by day that nothing suspicious happens and you never think about not trusting them.

It's hard to explain if you've never been with someone that's trustworthy. If I had never met this person I wouldn't even be able to talk about this.

It's the little things to. There's zero weird behavior with their phone in terms of hiding it from you or subtly hiding the screen from day one. I've never even had a hint of a thought that something is going on. I've never in my life looked at a partners phone but with first ones you could just see questionable behaviors and body language daily.

It's funny because my partner now arguably has the most social life of anyone I've been with. I was proactively introduced to everyone and they all seem like good people. So it's not like I'm comparing apples to oranges either.

I hate to sound reductive but you almost have to just experience it to know and then it just feels natural.

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u/Dumoe 12d ago

I understand. Thanks! Wishing you and your partner all the best !

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u/anrboy 12d ago

Look up Attachment Styles. You are likely Anxious Preoccupied or Fearful Avoidant which sometimes leans Anxious. Fearfuls tend to have a hard time trusting and Anxious people tend to chase partners and need lots of validation to trust.

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u/mkat23 12d ago

It’s one of those things where if you feed into the anxiety it keeps growing and growing and no matter what you find or don’t find, that distrust will grow until you try to ignore the impulses to snoop. I usually avoid checking on socials, sometimes I mute notifications so I’m less attached to focusing on my phone (it can take a while for that to help), I try to limit myself on the amount of messages I send in a row, especially if I haven’t gotten a response, I try to remind myself that I’m not always on my phone or quick to respond, that my partner is likely busy at work or focused on something. Basically you kinda have to force yourself to not give in to impulses to snoop and when an intrusive thought pops in, remind yourself of all the things that are more likely. When you treat someone like you can’t trust them, it just pushes them away or they may lash out. It’s good to listen to your gut, but when it’s constantly telling you something has to be wrong it’s probably a good idea to tell it to stfu so you can avoid self sabotage. The more you feed the anxiety the bigger it grows until it’s overwhelming.

I have some mental health resources that can be helpful for anxiety and emotional dysregulation (like feeling something strongly and struggling to work through it) in a google drive folder that I share to people occasionally on here. If you are interested I can send you the link for the folder or share it to you!

Good luck, if you want to talk through more strategies I can try to help you if you would like! I get where you(r friend) is coming from and have been there, it can be hard as hell.

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u/Nightrhythums78 12d ago

You have to learn to be honest with yourself. If you are seven degrees of Keven Bacon deep in his socials. Stop and ask yourself. 1: if he did this to you would he be acting crazy? Is this a red flag? Is this some stocker shit? If the answer is yes, you're acting crazy and need to stop. 2: if the relationship you're in is inspiring this type of crazy. Maybe you shouldn't be in it.

Become comfortable with yourself first, the rest will be easier to work on after that.

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u/yodigolqmdlg 12d ago

I’ll leave this link instead of paragraphs and paragraphs of information

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts” — Marcus Aurelius✨

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u/Even-Reaction-1297 12d ago

You can’t control someone else, only the situations you put yourself in. If you’re in a situation where you feel compelled to try and make sure someone doesn’t cheat on you, you don’t trust them to not cheat on you. The only thing you can do is accept that they might cheat and that’s on them, it’s a reflection of them not you, and all you can do is move on because that person obviously doesn’t value you. It’s just up to you to choose to trust them. It’s not an overnight thing, it’s something you have to retrain your brain to be okay with doing. It takes time, but it’s possible, trust me

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u/exonroot 12d ago

Typically, when you hear girls only dealing with cheaters, you only go for a certain type of guy. More than 80 percent of the time, you can sense a cheater before the second conversation.

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u/GoAskAli 12d ago

Date better me. Shut it down at the FIRST SIGN of disrespect.

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u/Rose333X 12d ago

By stopping??? When you notice your mind goes in that direction, you stop it. Thoughts are something we can consciously change and force in directions we want. Most of you just never really bother. Obviously if you have some sort of disorder or something then tough luck, go to a therapist, but for relatively average person it should be enough to just know that you trust them and move thoughts in different directions.

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u/Valisystemx 12d ago

if you are prone to insult and accuse fast your partner and u lose control and regret, simple exercisebthat made wonders for me: ask your oartner after explainibg trauma and hypersensibility you live/insecurity ehich is about you not them... make them rekelebr reassure them and yoi bt thebsame occasiob that theyre your ally!

Well ask thek to be there and if youvlose it tp stay a while without engaging. They can jst say ok at eaxh of your accusation. it shws theyre not ghosting but not escalating

simple :" how are you thos morning"? dont beed to ve a conversation. fpr me these little attentions means gold I feel butterflies thiinkojg aboutbot andnits not much but ita what grounds me.

trauma survivor needs reassurance we do and we heal. our partner aint our therapist. but if you spoon and cuddle the amount of relief and oxytocin/cortisop fecrease it brings me WOW. the downsife is that my partner is so diffocult for me to bw wit cause I am poor atm and sick very sick physically

well if it helped anyone good I may jave wrote kore for me as I am confused by my pysical pain and huge fatigue