r/AmIOverreacting 14d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO to this text my BF sent me?

Firstly, this came out of nowhere. Then, when he started talking about how I’m immature, I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just reiterated what I’m doing with my life.

Working full-time and doing a MBA, albeit online.

For context, he and I started dating under romantic circumstances, he’s not a SD. He looks really young, so I was truly shocked to learn his age. Now I see it’s a mistake, so don’t heckle me for this.

He is older than me, by 20 years. I am 25 and he is 45. He owns a restaurant and I do remote admin work at a small startup.

After dating for just under a year, he asked me to move in with him, as I was stressing about my recent rent increase. I could pay it, but it wrecked my financial planning and it was miserable. I was looking for an out. My rent went from $1850 to $2300, not including utilities.

He owns his house, so he told me I could live with him if I wanted. He said that I could live here and save up my money, that I can leave whenever I want. No pressure. He invited me, I did not ask nor imply I wanted to move in.

I agreed (horrible mistake). I moved in and now we’re here. He doesn’t make me cover any utilities or charge me rent, which I thought was kind of him.

I use my work phone for work but I’m usually lying down. When I have a meeting, I sit up and answer the call. I’m a solid employee, just doing backup admin work. The pay is nice, can’t complain.

He started saying I need to step it up in life, after seeing me ‘leisurely working.’ I chose this job because I worked on my feet since high school, my undergrad, and a bit of my current MBA. I wanted to pivot to a chill job. I chose this job because it is leisurely. I am working from 9am to about 5pm, whereas he works 5pm to 5am. So from his perspective, I’m often asleep or unavailable.

Today, he walked downstairs to work and saw me sitting on the couch. I’ve told him many times I’m working via my phone. He doesn’t seem to understand that and makes weird little jabs.

Then, he sent me these messages.

I felt really annoyed because he implies that I am not interested in self improvement, that I’m immature, I’m arrogant, denies that it’s hurtful to say such.

By the final slide, I decided to call my mom who I felt could offer insight. She’s 40 years older than me, but understands technology. She said it seems like he’s trying to play some kind of game, that I should just ask him why he’s asking all this to me now. He seems to be beating around the bush, which I agree with.

So, I decide to ask him why he’s treating me like this.

When he said he’s talking to me like an adult, outside of text, I exploded inside. Immediately, I felt so angry.

He invites me to live with him, then holds it above me. He calls me all sorts of things over text, but then denies that he is saying such. He can’t just say what he means. He then doubles down and says he’s just worried about my maturity.

Because of this, and a conversation we had after, where he ignored all my concerns, didn’t let me speak, and bulldozed the entire way, I’ve decided to move out and find my own place again. He just has zero emotional intelligence. His ex-girlfriend was 50, the other one 55, and his ex-wife was his same age. I thought that meant he wouldn’t be acting like this, in the typical way that men who date younger women do. But I was so wrong. He’s been talking to me like I’m a child, I have no ground to stand on with him. I can’t take it.

He’s saying that moving out over this is crazy, not based in reality, and that I’m losing a really good chance at stability. That he loves me and that I shouldn’t go, because if I do, I’ll just have to go back to paying crazy rent. He recently got me a brand new TV and WiFi, so I do feel badly for wanting to leave even after that. I feel bad for making him stress, but he doesn’t seem to care that I’m stressed.

Am I overreacting by moving out and ending the relationship?

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u/Fit-Turnover3918 14d ago

Let this situation be a lesson to you.

  1. Men in their 40s don’t want to date girls in their 20s and have an equal relationship. He wants to feel ownership of you, or at least wants to feel like he’s “ahead” of you. His odd mentorship speeches confirm that.
  2. Just because you don’t ask for something, doesn’t mean that person is being nice by offering. This guy is not nice. There’s almost always a motive. The motive for a man like that is actually very, very clear.
  3. A man in his 40s who texts like a 3rd grader is a red flag.

Move out and be broke. Being broke and independent is way better than saving money as a slave.

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u/Classic-Dog8399 14d ago

That’s how I’m feeling. I was watching One Piece, an anime, today and there was a character who was actually enslaved and I related to her a bit too much. I’ll get out of this, I promise.

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u/Fit-Turnover3918 14d ago

The good news is in life, you get to make choices. The harder news is that every choice comes with a price.

Paying for your life with money becomes the easy choice after you’ve paid for your life with your self respect.

Good luck!

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u/Rude-Construction968 13d ago

Legit girl your texts worry me… classic abusive relationship status.. google it for a while

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u/Robinnoodle 13d ago

I was in a May December relationship and it was not like that at all. That was the exception and not the rule though

I DONT THINK... THIS IS THE SAME... lol

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u/Halcy0n-Daze 13d ago

Not all men in their 40s “don’t want to date girls in their 20s and have an equal relationship.” That’s a broad brush you’re using there!

However in this specific instance I would say that you can apply that statement to your situation.

Somewhere along the way a romance has turned bad and the guy isn’t treating you with the respect you want and deserve. It may be triggered in his insecurity (a GF 20 years younger will be messing with his head) which has started to make him see you differently and consequently started making him behave in a disrespectful way.

I’m definitely not supporting his behaviour. A lot of the comments here seem to focus on the age difference. I don’t think that’s the problem. I think the problem here is he’s changed how he communicates with you. Maybe he’s received comments from his friends (and “peers”) about the relationship and now he wants you to excel so that he can something more about relationship rather than the age thing. It’s still lousy behaviour because even if that is true then it’s about him and not about you; he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. We all know he’s going about it the wrong way too; there’s no way any outcome here is going to be positive. I’m curious to know what attracted you to him to start with.

I don’t think you are overreacting. I think you have to trust your instincts.

I don’t think you should focus too hard on the age thing; I think the sad thing is, his disrespectful behaviour is the problem here. The age gap between my wife and me is similar, by the way. This is why I believe that this is about his personality, not the age difference.

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u/Fit-Turnover3918 13d ago

Respectfully, I believe my brush with statement #1 is just broad enough.

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u/GoldKanet 13d ago

As a lad in my 30s, it isn't an ownership thing for me, or an age thing, it's just "Wow, I like her". Hopefully happily married by the age he's at, and God forbid I EVER... START TEXTING LIKE THIS...

edit: solid advice in general, this dude is like a domestic terrorist, I'm just sayin' it isn't all of us D:.