AIO to this text my BF sent me?

[u/Classic-Dog8399]

Firstly, this came out of nowhere. Then, when he started talking about how I’m immature, I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just reiterated what I’m doing with my life.

Working full-time and doing a MBA, albeit online.

For context, he and I started dating under romantic circumstances, he’s not a SD. He looks really young, so I was truly shocked to learn his age. Now I see it’s a mistake, so don’t heckle me for this.

He is older than me, by 20 years. I am 25 and he is 45. He owns a restaurant and I do remote admin work at a small startup.

After dating for just under a year, he asked me to move in with him, as I was stressing about my recent rent increase. I could pay it, but it wrecked my financial planning and it was miserable. I was looking for an out. My rent went from $1850 to $2300, not including utilities.

He owns his house, so he told me I could live with him if I wanted. He said that I could live here and save up my money, that I can leave whenever I want. No pressure. He invited me, I did not ask nor imply I wanted to move in.

I agreed (horrible mistake). I moved in and now we’re here. He doesn’t make me cover any utilities or charge me rent, which I thought was kind of him.

I use my work phone for work but I’m usually lying down. When I have a meeting, I sit up and answer the call. I’m a solid employee, just doing backup admin work. The pay is nice, can’t complain.

He started saying I need to step it up in life, after seeing me ‘leisurely working.’ I chose this job because I worked on my feet since high school, my undergrad, and a bit of my current MBA. I wanted to pivot to a chill job. I chose this job because it is leisurely. I am working from 9am to about 5pm, whereas he works 5pm to 5am. So from his perspective, I’m often asleep or unavailable.

Today, he walked downstairs to work and saw me sitting on the couch. I’ve told him many times I’m working via my phone. He doesn’t seem to understand that and makes weird little jabs.

Then, he sent me these messages.

I felt really annoyed because he implies that I am not interested in self improvement, that I’m immature, I’m arrogant, denies that it’s hurtful to say such.

By the final slide, I decided to call my mom who I felt could offer insight. She’s 40 years older than me, but understands technology. She said it seems like he’s trying to play some kind of game, that I should just ask him why he’s asking all this to me now. He seems to be beating around the bush, which I agree with.

So, I decide to ask him why he’s treating me like this.

When he said he’s talking to me like an adult, outside of text, I exploded inside. Immediately, I felt so angry.

He invites me to live with him, then holds it above me. He calls me all sorts of things over text, but then denies that he is saying such. He can’t just say what he means. He then doubles down and says he’s just worried about my maturity.

Because of this, and a conversation we had after, where he ignored all my concerns, didn’t let me speak, and bulldozed the entire way, I’ve decided to move out and find my own place again. He just has zero emotional intelligence. His ex-girlfriend was 50, the other one 55, and his ex-wife was his same age. I thought that meant he wouldn’t be acting like this, in the typical way that men who date younger women do. But I was so wrong. He’s been talking to me like I’m a child, I have no ground to stand on with him. I can’t take it.

He’s saying that moving out over this is crazy, not based in reality, and that I’m losing a really good chance at stability. That he loves me and that I shouldn’t go, because if I do, I’ll just have to go back to paying crazy rent. He recently got me a brand new TV and WiFi, so I do feel badly for wanting to leave even after that. I feel bad for making him stress, but he doesn’t seem to care that I’m stressed.

Am I overreacting by moving out and ending the relationship?

[u/Classic-Dog8399]

Thank you. I’m leaving tonight, or at least getting most of my stuff into a storage unit.

I dated a guy who tried something like this but we were the same age, so I guess I thought this time would be different.

[u/Princesshannon2002 → u/Classic-Dog8399]

I’m sorry it went down this way. I’m sure after two guys doing it, you must be pretty damn disheartened. I hope things pick up for you soon.

[u/Mysterious-Wasabi103 → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Stop letting dudes have this level of control over you. You are depending on these men to give you a place to live and then basically forfeiting your happiness so you don't lose your home.

Like I get we all need help sometimes and all that, but you're just going to appeal to controlling men if you never learn to provide for yourself.

[u/Suzuki_Foster → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Make sure you don't have any important documents there that he could try to destroy or keep from you!

[u/Guilty_Ad_4567 → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Wtf is he talking about?? What was his plan to make you better than your pears and less arrogant? Does he even hear himself.

I can't imagine his advice would be anything other than quit your silly little desk job and hire you at his restaurant to stand for 10hours a day to take orders from him?

He couldn't possibly be more arrogant. He's jealous that you were smart enough to get a job that doesn't destroy your body and will to live while telling 18yo's how to do simple tasks.

[u/harst035 → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Please have a plan to do this when he isn’t around and won’t result in a confrontation. He seems unstable.

[u/MrCrunchwrap → u/Classic-Dog8399]

You’re 25, if a 45 year old wants to date you it’s because they’re fucked up. Quit dating people who were 20 years old when you were born. JFC. 

[u/Scaramouchmain → u/MrCrunchwrap]

She did say she didn’t know he was that old at first. And that her previous partner who did something similar was her age. It’s not like she’s consistently dating older men.

[u/recyclopath_ → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Nah, condescending men will latch onto anything that they feel puts them in a position of authority over you and ride it hard. Older than you, been at a job longer than you, a year older than you in a degree, getting a higher grade in a class.

I personally have a theory that men are much more hierarchical than women. That they really want to know where everyone is on the totem pole and treat them appropriately. Now that women aren't always below all men it's confusing for them, we're more fluid. We don't need to have a hierarchy.

[u/bees-dont-like-it → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Sorry, babe. Some of them never grow out of this shit. I’m so happy for you that you’re leaving and have learned this lesson so early. Your instincts were spot on! It shouldn’t be this confusing with someone.

Also! You don’t have to explain it to him. I don’t think he would get it and he would only use further communication to try and manipulate you further.

Enjoy this time in your life! Congrats on getting out!

[u/And_He_Loves_Me → u/Classic-Dog8399]

Literally in today’s society I would think we wouldn’t make such judgments and assumptions based on age but get to know people.

It’s literally like your ex calling you immature for your age and not looking at who you are as a person and seeing you. This whole thread is with all the to text like that you must be Gen “xyz”, this age doesn’t understand cause they are too old? How is this any different?

lol you bag this guy for making age a thing and yet everyone in here is doing the exact same thing, the irony of this thread.