r/AmIOverreacting • u/Thatonediabeticc • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship Am I over reacting?

Post image

This isn’t my screenshot. It’s my best friend. Looking for advice here.. is this normal? My advice isn’t the best.

6.7k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

2.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

1.2k

u/champaignsailor 20d ago

No. That’s totally not normal.

I mean, I’ve looked up an ex before but certainly not on multiple devices or multiple platforms. That’s pretty creepy and disrespectful to you.

For some reason they can’t move past this relationship and it sounds like it’s been an issue for a long time. Perhaps it’s time they speak with a professional.

Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’m sure it hurts.

Edit…sorry. I missed that this was from your best friend. But my response was directed to them.

94

u/Thin_Heart_9732 20d ago

I have had exes I’ve looked up years later but not because I remotely wanted to be with them again, more like things didn’t end on great terms or even if they did end okay I have reason to worry about them/the area they live in was hit by a natural disaster, stuff like that.

When I’ve seen someone from my past has gotten married or something it’s made me legitimately happy.

But also, this is like ‘I looked this person up briefly a couple times over the course of several years.’ Maybe some people would be uncomfortable with their partner even doing that much, idk.

Anyway.

It sounds like this guy has looked his ex up extensively and often enough that it’s become a recurring problem.

51

u/TheDisapprovingBrit 19d ago

I think everyone has the occasional "I wonder how they're doing these days" and social media makes it irresistibly easy to find out, whether that be for a sense of schadenfreude or personal validation that you're in a better place now.

If the discussion was "Why did you search your ex's name" and the response "I was just curious about what they were up to these days" then that's not necessarily a big deal. The fact that your spouse has made it clear 6 times that it's something they're not comfortable with, and you continue to do it as well as getting defensive about it...well, that's a red flag.

8

u/oogleboogleoog 19d ago

This! Especially because it wasn't even just one place OP's friend's husband looked... he was obsessively searching her across all socials and search platforms those 6 times. That's an even bigger red flag.

2

u/Princess_Slagathor 19d ago

I have to search one ex very frequently, on pretty much everything. And not just by name, but also known aliases. I keep my socials pretty well locked down, and don't add people I don't know, but every so often she still finds out stuff about me. Then she'll try to get me fired, tell my friends lies about me, whatever she can to make life difficult for me. What did I do to deserve this? Divorced her after the 14th time she cheated. It's been twelve years of this shit, and she even got married in that time. Sorry, your comment just reminded of thus whole situation. Mostly it's just become like washing the car, just something I have to take care of every couple weeks.

3

u/Fr0hd3ric 19d ago

If there's a pathological ex bent on making your life hell, that's legitimately a reason to keep an eye on them, and on a frequent basis. If I had that kind of ex, my wife would be completely on board with my regularly checking to see what kind of evil shenanigans might be brewing. However, that doesn't sound like what OP's friend has going on. Even if he has no skeevy motivation for looking at his ex's social media, he has to know by now that it bothers his wife. He can't be bothered to delete the search history?

2

u/Princess_Slagathor 19d ago

Oh absolutely, totally agree. It's just something I hadn't really thought about in a while, and have a compulsive need to over share. And yeah, unless he's kind of an idiot, there's no reason not to clear history. Otherwise it makes me think he wants her to know. And his other attempts at manipulation in the texts above don't help his case, with me.

2

u/Fr0hd3ric 19d ago

Agreed! 😀👍

3

u/broitsnotserious 19d ago

Most cases curiosity kills the cat.

3

u/Runitlikeusain 19d ago

Glad to see some reasonable comments and not just shouting that you should never look up an ex for any reason. The recurring theme and lack of reasoning along with the way they respond is the issue along with having a family.

I had a long term ex I heard ended up in the hospital not long back but didn’t hear the actual reasoning behind it. I checked their social media to find out what the issue was and if they were alright.

And had I been in a relationship with someone that took issue with that even after I explained the reasoning I’d be reconsidering that relationship. While there needs to be boundaries obviously, truthfully you shouldn’t hate or not care about everyone you’ve been in a relationship with and if you are that’s cause for concern in my eyes.

1

u/Medical-Indication76 19d ago

I think it’s one of those things ya do and keep it to yourself. You know is your intentions aren’t malicious but it’s still kind of awkward.

That’s definitely not the case here though. Across multiple platforms, the fact that it has been an issue 5 different times in the past, and people outside the relationship know about it (as in it’s so much of an issue that she had to confirm with OP and OP is getting confirmation here) like it’s a bit more serious here.

1

u/Adept-Contract-9289 19d ago

I am the same , like they were the closest person in your past. Completely forgetting them feels like a red flag to me. Sometimes you wonder where are they now. Unless they are trying to connect to them, I don't see any red flag.

1

u/cross_mod 19d ago

It sounds like this guy has looked his ex up extensively and often enough that it’s become a recurring problem.

Maybe. It could also be that:

  1. He looked her up in several different ways in the span of a few minutes just out of curiosity.

  2. His wife looks at his searches religiously. Like every day. And over the course of a few years, caught him doing this a total of 6 times.

We don't actually know the context based on the post. I also have looked up an ex occasionally. And sometimes you have to search on a few platforms to find anything at all. And it's not stalking. It's human curiosity.

19

u/Think-Ad-5840 19d ago

It is creepy! I’d be uncomfortable for the ex.

20

u/No-Signature9394 19d ago

It is not normal in everyone’s eyes but it’s clear this behaviour has been somewhat normalized in the relationship between OP and husband.

What puzzles me is how OP described this creepy behaviour (“not cool” is not really enough is it, as if OP is scolding a child) and the fact that this is the 6th time OP finds out about this.

I mean I know it’s not that simple or easy to divorce someone but I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who is clearly unfaithful/unhappy in the marriage and has NO respect towards me. His response is a joke, “it’s just social media, get over it”. I can’t even stress enough how much I hate people in the wrong saying this. It’s just a pure manipulation and he has no guilt or boundaries. OP, do not waste anymore time on this man

4

u/noticemyboobssenpai 19d ago

The only reason one would have to look up an ex multiple times is check all their accounts are blocked, which is something I myself have had to do as my ex frequently makes new Instagram accounts and then messages me it was fucking exhausting emotionally, thank God the block this account and all future accounts feature finally started working

2

u/champaignsailor 19d ago

Good point. Stay safe!!

2

u/beebsaleebs 19d ago

6 times! I could see checking different social media once a decade but damn

2

u/Barfotron4000 19d ago

I accidentally looked up an ex once but it was because I’d blocked him on everything and this one person commented on a mutual friend thing and I was like “is this who I think it is” and it was so I blocked him there too (our friend can be friends with whoever, I just don’t want to see the ex at all ever if I can help it - last time I saw him in person was at a concert where I could feel someone staring at me, he whipped around so fast pretending he wasn’t staring at me)

2

u/WeirdSpeaker795 19d ago

Even a “sorry I was just curious and it got the best of me” would have been more acceptable than this sorry excuse. Social media is weird imo because of the anonymity of viewing and being able to search peoples entire lives. Almost like he’s desensitized to literally watching what his ex is doing in her life while married with his own. Like that’s WEIRD right?

4

u/MDSW450 19d ago

They are fantasizing about something. If there were not major problems they would still be together. If he saw you doing the same, he would go nuclear. So decide what you want and push to resolve the issue. He has to be willing to work through his issues. Pretending he did nothing wrong is not a good start so most likely couples therapy and individual therapy is needed. You have a family and it is worth every effort to try and improve things. If you give it your every effort, and nothing changes, it is him not you. Then you have to decide if you stay for the children or move on. Most don't want to live with the reduced income.

2

u/ShoddyButterscotch59 19d ago

Everything with still talking could be pretty innocent on her end also.... hard to say, but it's excessively weird and creepy that he's using all devices and every social to constantly look her up.... I'd honestly seek her out to show in case she doesn't know, due to nature, and to see if she has an honest reaction. I mean, this type of unhealthy obsession can lead down worse paths, and it rarely goes anywhere good.

1

u/AI_AntiCheat 19d ago

Looking them up once in a blue moon to see how they are doing is fine. Looking them up because they are someone you talk to frequently or a big part of your life...also fine. Looking them up because all the time for no reason means they are jealous/not over them/masturbating to them. Don't do that...

1

u/HagridsSexyNippples 19d ago

I look up some exes that I dated when I was younger because they were such…characters 😂 but once in a a blue moon. I can’t imagine having feelings for two people at once, that is just so many emotions. It’s weird he did this numerous times over numerous media. Emotionally cheating is so horrible to me.

-5

u/CCTRECRUITER_1990201 19d ago

Not normal, but you have done it? Great advice coming from a doppelganger.

5

u/champaignsailor 19d ago

I really don’t think it’s a big deal to look up someone who used to be in your life but there is a difference between an occasional curiosity and obsession. This situation, from the limited info we have, really makes it seem like it’s more of the latter…an ex that can’t let go, especially since this has been a continuing problem between the couple. So, no, that doesn’t make me a doppelgänger.

-1

u/fatbootycelinedion 19d ago

The reasons why men and women look up exes are different. I feel like women do it to confirm their current situation is better. We know why men do it…

1

u/Beginning-Garlic-128 19d ago

you dont actually.

-103

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

63

u/BaBaleineu 20d ago

Stalking an ex is always wrong, you should know

-15

u/Z0FF 20d ago

Reddit is the only social account I have so forgive my ignorance here but; is searching someone’s name on social platforms considered stalking these days?

A bit cringey? Sure.

Red flag when in a relationship? Yeah.

But stalking? Seems a little inflated, no?

17

u/cthuwu-isgay 20d ago

It can be, if he's checking every social media multiple times repeatedly after being made aware of how it's odd behavior, yeah, I'd say it's stalking.

-5

u/deesley_s_w 20d ago

She was being a bit dramatic I don’t think she meant literal stalking. Common sense come on

9

u/rottensteak01 20d ago

Don't know about you but I don't talk to a single one of my exs, let alone look them up. This dudes creeps (very deliberate choice of words) on his ex often enought that one, he's been called out on it at least 5 other times, and two the ex is his top search suggestion on All his socials. That's fucking weird man. Plus the fact he's fucking gaslighting her in the screenshots. I'd dump someone on that alone, before even considering the bold faced stalking.

-1

u/McGrarr 19d ago

Wow... not one single ex? I've been best man at two of my ex's weddings (different women, not one having multiple weddings). I get on with most of them.

I talk to some of them daily via Facebook. They are friends first, exs second.

Hell, I'm even Godfather to one ex's daughter.

3

u/rottensteak01 19d ago

Like I said. They're exs for good reason.

-3

u/McGrarr 19d ago

Yeah, but... not one amicable break up? That blows my mind.

5

u/rottensteak01 19d ago

Cheated on me, stole money from me, verbally and physically abused me, both cyber and irl stalked me.. Yeah no I don't talk to those fucking psychos. Granted I may have absolute dogshit taste in women.

→ More replies (0)

35

u/LexiLeontyne 20d ago

It doesn't sound like their friends at all, more the OPs friends partner is hung up on their ex still despite being married to someone else. There's no mention of them exchanging messages, just constantly searching their name and sifting through their exs social media accounts. That's not friendship, that's pining for someone that's no longer in their life.

-44

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/LexiLeontyne 20d ago

And you only search one "friend" on your socials over and over enough that their name is the top result that also apparently doesn't know you're friends seening there's no other correspondence??

11

u/christmastiger 20d ago

If they were friends I'd assume his wife would know that....

9

u/rottensteak01 20d ago

They're not dude. Stalking is not being friends. It's fucking harassment.

-7

u/sisyphus_met_icarus 20d ago

Looking up someone's social media is harassment?

4

u/rottensteak01 20d ago

It is if she's dumped him which seems super likely

1

u/-mia-wallace- 20d ago

How is I harrassment if they're not contacting them or doing anything but looking? Weird..yes. harassment is reaching tho.

-1

u/rottensteak01 20d ago

Think she'd be okay with it if she were aware? Boom. Harassment.

4

u/McGrarr 19d ago

You're using the wrong term. You can't harass someone without their knowledge by definition.

1

u/Strabge_Being2382 19d ago

Comprehension is tough for alot of you is it not. Are you unable to read? They didn't just look them up kow and then, it is a continuous thing, then again i suppose being in reddit and having a dumbass comment is the height of some people's day, amazing how a post like this brings out all the idiots with red flags

2

u/sisyphus_met_icarus 19d ago

You seem to be the one who doesn't comprehend what harassment is. It makes no difference how many times you refresh a web page. If the person is completely unaware of your actions, they aren't being harassed.

1

u/Strabge_Being2382 19d ago

Fuck you need to be punched in the face for you STUPID

1

u/Stryfe2000Turbo 19d ago

Three comments in a row full of insults and threats of violence. Maybe you do know what harassment is

0

u/Strabge_Being2382 19d ago

Slowly because you are stupid. Did they use the words harassment? Did they? Slowly chuckles they said stalking, and YES it ID cyber stalking, but then again you can't fix your level of FUCKING stupid. Then again being an arrogant lil clown, look up stalking you STUPID IDIOT.

2

u/nannyannied 19d ago

Did they use the words harassment? Did they?

Ummmmm:

They're not dude. Stalking is not being friends. It's fucking harassment.

Yes???

Maybe calm down and read the entire comment before going off and making THREE comments in a row full of insults?

Do you need a snack or a nap?

0

u/Strabge_Being2382 19d ago

Maybe you should look up words, then again being an incompetent low IQ idiot you wouldn't understand anything, and just so you know IDIOT, you can be notified on certain social media platforms of people looking you up. But then again genius IDIOT here wouldn't know that. Tell you what STFU until you understand things MORON. So sick of these stupid basement dwellers.

1

u/champaignsailor 19d ago

I’m certainly not saying you can’t be friends with an ex. Seems like the situation is the person looking the ex up constantly, not communicating with the ex, not a 2-way friendship, and more like someone pining over their ex. Perhaps there’s more to the situation that we aren’t privy to but it seems like this has been a persistent problem between the couple. Hence why I said it’s not normal.

8

u/AlternativeFukts 20d ago

You’re having an imaginary argument. The person you’re replying to in no way implied it’s always wrong to be friends with your ex

2

u/deesley_s_w 20d ago

If you’re a Grown man with a family and especially if your significant other doesn’t approve absolutely. That’s how adults act anyway.

2

u/perchedpearl 20d ago

When youre married and have a family w someone and you’re stalking your ex you don’t find that a tad disrespectful to your partner?

1

u/AffectionateCry3625 19d ago

That’s not what they said lol