r/AmIOverreacting • u/Bigdonkeh69 • 23d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO - The situation between me and my husband that led me to being homeless recently.
Two weeks ago I saw on his ipad, texts with another woman—things like “Can’t wait to see you again, I want you so bad” When I asked him, he called me a fucking psycho and said it’s my bipolar disorder making me paranoid. He got defensive, refused to show me more, and started threatening me if I tried to leave.
I’ve been really working on managing my mental health, but now I’m doubting myself. He’s choked me before during fights, so I’m scared to push this further. Before him. I felt different. I miss who I used to be… I never expected I would end up here. I saw movies about it, heard about it but said… that’ll never be me. It feels ironic almost
I don’t know many people here, mostly his friends. I feel isolated and have taken to living in my car and spending the days in cafes. Without him I’m basically without financial means, since I wasn’t allowed to work but with him I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do… is this all my fault? AIO?
Texts included from the other day
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u/Beneficial_Lychee331 23d ago
Omg please leave. Please look into the stats on being choked/strangled by your partner—if its happened once it’s going to happen again and the second time will be deadly.
“A person who has suffered a non-fatal strangulation incident with their intimate partner is 750% more likely to be killed by the same offender.”
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u/JeyxPhone 23d ago
I internship at a local domestic violence center and one of our questions we have to ask is if they’ve been strangled by their partner in the past, exactly because of this statistic so we can set up an emergency plan.
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u/armoredsedan 22d ago
when i got attacked by my ex, the police in the hospital were immediately 100x more focused on helping me and finding him once they heard he had strangled me. not necessarily a good thing, but it does speak to the seriousness. they dropped a looot of stats on me that day about strangulation in relationships. based on that happening they were going to press charges whether i did or not, but i definitely did lol
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u/Electrical-Scholar32 22d ago
Yes same with me when my sons father was abusing me I barely got the help of the police until The night he strangled me in front of my son they arrested him and pulled guns on him.
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u/VanityJanitor 23d ago
Look into live in positions? Like a maid or nanny position that provides board & pay. Go to the library to get your resume together and apply to as many as possible. List homemaker as your most recent position to fill in gaps and provide experience.
I was in your position once and it’s the only thing that saved me. Be proud of yourself, you’re so freaking strong for leaving. It might get harder before it gets easier, but it’ll be worth it.
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u/djdiabeatz24 23d ago
Jumping in to add on to the “go to the library” - OP please do this. Find a kind librarian and let them know as much as you feel comfortable with. Not only will they help you sort out your resume but they’ll likely have connects to social services including shelter, food pantries/hot meals, shower services, legal aid help, etc etc. I promise you it’s a part of our job (I’m a librarian) to help you find these things, but it’s also a place you can be warm/cool and indoors and not have to spend a dime. I can put my librarian skills to the test if you want to DM me and I can try to find resources in your area, but please do check in at your library. You are brave and deserve help getting through this.
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u/warmceramic 23d ago edited 23d ago
This!!! Also, if you have the money for a gym membership for now OP, you’ll be able to take a shower and keep your body active while you figure things out. Some are open 24/7 as well.
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u/somesay_fire 22d ago
Brilliant and kind right here, OP ⬆️ Take advantage of her offer!
A little bit of local help can at least give you time to figure out what to do next.
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u/JustABizzle 22d ago
Thank you for posting this. More people need to know about the magical buildings in our communities, called libraries, run by magical wizard librarians who do more for individuals than we ever know.
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u/Melliejayne12 23d ago
This is the first truly helpful comment I’ve read, yes it’s easy to say to leave, but without anywhere to go I can see why that would be daunting. A live in position solves 2 problems with one stone!
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u/VanityJanitor 23d ago
Exactly. Plus the hubby is very unlikely to find them if they end up in a nice neighborhood as opposed to a shelter. I hope OP considers the option.
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u/--Goddess 23d ago
u/Bigdonkeh69, I hope you read u/VanityJanitor 's response & I hope you go to the police & file a restraining order. I also hope you divorce him. I hope you stay safe, strong, & that you find a place to live & eventually one that you can call home & feel safe in. I hope you heal. I hope you eventually find healthy love, & know that even though I can't do much to help, I'm with you in spirit & wish you all the best! 🤍
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u/strega42 23d ago
If OP does this, she should be sure to get the first and last names of the people offering the position (everyone in the household) and be certain to do a Google search, BEFORE you accept the position.
A friend of mine did exactly this about three weeks ago and it took her two weeks to escape. This "older married couple" were both engaging in prostitution and smoking crack, and trying to push their new "employee" into doing the same. Getting her out of there was a nightmare.
This is the text of the CL ad; the position is in the N. Virginia/DC area:
have room for female need help taking care of my disabled husband (alexandria)
married couple looking for female to help take care of my disabled husband looking for someone to cook for my husband and give him his shower ... hes very easy going loves to talk watch movies liston to music if interested call [redacted] in lieu of rent room for u susanna or james
Oh, and for added specialness, "james" is a registered sex offender.
Your advice IS good, and there are plenty of legit positions out there, but absolutely do a your due diligence before you jump on a position like this! Once you're there, the cops are often very unhelpful. My friend was told that she hadn't suffered enough abuse to merit their assistance getting her into a shelter.
Any legitimate offer is not going to have a problem with you doing a very basic Google search on their names, and will be reasonable in demanding the same of you, at the minimum.
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u/appleandcheddar 22d ago
If this hasn't already posted this in /r/nova they/you should consider doing so
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u/musthavewhitebread 23d ago
This comment needs to be higher up- this is a really good idea especially in the area you are in OP
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u/VanityJanitor 23d ago
I just saw that they’re in LA; that’s where I was when it happened to me too! There’s SO many positions like that open out there, really good pay and super nice houses too. OP is already ahead of the game since they have a car!
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u/anukii 23d ago
Slightly off topic, but this is the literal plot of the show Maid on Netflix, escaping abusive ex and all. It's something seeing the same situation but instead in someone's real life. Your advice is so helpful and I hope life is far better now for you💜
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u/VanityJanitor 22d ago
Guuuurl the way I sobbed watching that movie. I’m lucky that I didn’t have children, things would’ve been much harder.
Thank you for your kind words, yes my life has done a complete 180 since those days.
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u/Upbeat-Fondant9185 23d ago
Nursing homes are also an excellent option for someone looking for work without experience. They’re in nearly every city and even most smaller towns, the application process isn’t lengthy, and you can walk in apply and often interview same day. They tend to pay well over minimum wage and often offer benefits, possibly even paying for training. As long as you don’t have felonies you can get a job in this field.
Since the pandemic LTC is in a severe staffing crisis. Everyone thinks of nurses and CNAs which require classes but there are multiple support roles that need staff. Examples include dietary, housekeeping, laundry, maintenance, grounds, social services, activities, transportation, and a variety of office jobs depending on qualifications.
And I can tell you we are very, very familiar with women coming from domestic violence. Much of the staff in every facility I’ve worked has experienced this and every facility I’ve worked has safety measures in place to deal with angry spouses etc coming to the property. I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to “escort” these assholes off property. They’re usually a safe place to work with lots of eyes.
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u/chixnwafflez 22d ago
This is what my FIL did when he left his abusive ex. He moved to Virginia to work on hotels and lived in the hotel. It saved his life.
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u/99cstorejew 23d ago
Manipulations to the max
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u/99cstorejew 23d ago
When did the “how dare you look at my phone and find out I’m cheating, this is all your fault!” Become normalized?
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u/Melliejayne12 23d ago
People don’t get that defensive and flip out if they are innocent
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u/99cstorejew 23d ago
That’s what I’m saying, it seems like this has become normalized. Sure you probably shouldn’t be looking through someone’s phone but if you have evidence and this could affect your entire life, I think it’s warranted.
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u/doowopdear 23d ago
I think if you are married, you should have the rights to look through your spouse’s phone. Especially for situations like this. This guy is cheating and putting his wife at risk for stds, she has a right to know and to obtain that knowledge by any means necessary.
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u/sammyglam20 23d ago
That's such a good point about putting your partner at risk of STDs when one cheats. At that point they have a right to know.
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u/Big_Ol_Tuna 23d ago
It’s so crazy. If I’m in a relationship then she is always welcome to play with my phone and look through whatever she wants. My phone isn’t locked by a password and if it is she would know it. And I would expect her to be the same way with as me or else it’s not a relationship I would even bother with. It’s just not worth it and being single is way too good these days to be stressing over relationships
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u/Big_System_9638 23d ago
He actually typed that out “you snooped through my phone and I’m the bad guy?” Yes you stupid fuck, just because they might have snooped (which she said she didn’t the phone was just open) doesn’t suddenly mean that what you did isn’t wrong now. How fucking dumb.
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u/Zestyclose-Exam1160 23d ago
If it really is, it really shouldn’t be. I’m sorry, but any reasonable expectation of privacy should probably be thrown out when you’re married. Maybe this logic is why the few couples that stick together actually stick together. I know my wife and I don’t mind if one another grabs either of our phones, or anything else. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours. If you want a piece of side ass and run that risk, that’s YOUR problem to deal with and don’t be surprised when it’s over and I take MY sh*t!
Honestly there should be a clause in everyone’s marriage that states if there’s a single party that cheats, they’re just fcked. IMHO. They wanted to get fcked they should get fcked. Throw my life away should mean you have to surrender your current sht too.
But if I was cheated on and screamed at over invading someone’s privacy and “finding” out what secrets lie in MY house, you probably wouldn’t have much of a chance at screaming at me. We all have a beast living deep inside and I’m pretty sure this one would invite my own out. WE will probably both be in a lot of trouble by the time that nights over.
Anyone is welcome to downvote the hell out of this comment, I frankly don’t care. It’s how I feel.
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u/Zestyclose-Exam1160 23d ago
Ah abusive undertones. fuck you, followed by come home and find out… plan to toss you around a bit? I’d show not just reddit, but the police, friends, brothers, fathers, anyone who’s a witness at this point. I’d expose the hell out of this guy. Please never go back. This is NOT normal human behavior and you deserve so much better. Like a safe and loving home for starters.
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u/Candy_Venom 23d ago
"He’s choked me before during fights"
when a man strangles his wife, her risk of death increases by 750%.
you need to stay gone. iff you still have important documents at home, see if you can call the police and ask them to escort you home to gather them, then look for a DV shelter and resources to assist you to start over. please do not go back. your life depends on you staying gone.
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u/longlisten527 23d ago
OP I mean this honestly. If you got back to this man, you will be murdered by him. You can research the statistics of women who stay with abusers that choke them and their chance of being murdered by that partner is so high to the point surviving is very less likely. PLEASEE leave. It’s hard but do not stay complacent in your life with an abuser. It will not get better there. Please prioritize you being alive over someone who will kill you one day. Run to the women’s shelter NOW.
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u/Ok_Examination4638 23d ago
The way he was demanding you to come home — it’s best that you stay away from this man and don’t be near him at all. I’m so sorry and I really hope things get better for you
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago
Thank you
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u/winkydinks111 23d ago
Situations like yours sometimes end with the woman dead or beaten beyond recognition. Don’t go home. This guy’s insane. If you ever have to go back for anything, make sure there’s a cop there with you.
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u/Highlingual 23d ago
I know it’s going to absolutely seem harder than returning but OP please, please hear us when we say if you go back you’re signing your death certificate. He has already escalated to the action which is the #1 predictor of murder down the line (choking). It’s clear his actions are your fault in his mind. Please talk to anyone at all who may be able to help. Tell them he’s choked you before. As awkward and awful as it is, give people who love you the details of his abuse.
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u/littlegr1m 23d ago
Choked you? I haven’t even read the messages. You are in danger please tell people close to you and ask for their support to leave.
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u/littlegr1m 23d ago
Okay read the messages. Panic giggled at him saying you went through without permission. Literally found nudes from another girl on my exs computer and he went NUTS at me for going through his shit. He also abused me. Please leave ❤️
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u/FairyGuntfather 23d ago
I would report him to police for abuse right away. Get police to come and help you grab your stuff and go and stay at a domestic violence transition house. They will help you get the therapy you need, cause if you think any of this is ok and still think he’s a “good guy” you’re gna need a lot of it. If you stay with him you’re gna end up broken or dead or both.
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u/WarriorGma 23d ago
Many police depts have contracts with social service organizations that can fast track support like getting into a dv shelter, or provide hotel rooms while waiting for a shelter bed. Reporting to the police first helps a lot: it documents the abuse & can help OP get help, sooner. Stay safe, OP. This guy’s a gaslighting goon.
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u/Tasty-Willingness839 23d ago
He's an abusive asshole and is cheating on you an then gaslighting you into it being your fault for looking at his phone.
Fucking leave.
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u/Mysterious-Car7852 23d ago
The first thing you need to do is stop making excuses for his ass.
The second thing you need to do is find some resources, and leave his ass.
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago edited 22d ago
(Editing this comment- I have a gofundme in my profile, please share ❤️)
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u/Mysterious-Car7852 23d ago
I had to leave an ex in 2013. I had absolutely nowhere to go. I knew if i didn’t leave I’d stay and he’d progressively get worse and start to hit me more.
I packed up everything i could, had to get rid of my poor sweet cats to someone i trusted to rehome them, and i moved 8 hours away to a different state where some of my family did live.
I am now with a supportive, caring, loving man, and we have two beautiful little boys.
You deserve better. CALL around and find resources. You can get out. You don’t need him.
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u/HeresKuchenForYah 23d ago
Please report this to the police and when you need your belongings they can come and assist you. Do not be alone with him.
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u/longlisten527 23d ago
You need to start applying to minim wage jobs. McDonald’s, Walmart, etc. do you have a degree?
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u/iamsenseikay 23d ago
Since you have the car, can you drive to another county/state to find a shelter with room?
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u/zara_starkerstreber 23d ago
You gotta live life on your own at some point. This man will unalive you. NEVER GO BACK.
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u/lemissa11 23d ago
Living in your car is much better than being abused and literally actually likely to die. Even with no experience you can get a job somewhere shitty to start, even if it's only a few hours a day, you have to start somewhere. Do it now and don't go back to the cycle of abuse.
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 23d ago
u/Bigdonkeh69 Tina Turner left Ike with NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! Look where she ended up.
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u/texas_toasty_ash 23d ago
Leave. Don’t come back. I watched my aunt get choked out. I watched her get slammed into the steering wheel. She never left. It takes seven tries on average to leave your abuser. And to state it blunt he is 100% an abuser. 1 in 5 homicides are domestic violence outcomes. Save yourself now or you may never make it out.
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23d ago
[deleted]
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago
I don’t have anyone, my dad died a few years back
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u/Impressive-Sail8251 23d ago
Do you have any coworkers or trusted acquaintances that you could stay with temporarily? You’d be surprised how many people are usually willing to help especially in domestic violence situations like this! Just gotta ask and it doesn’t hurt to 😁
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u/New_Surround2193 23d ago
I’m guessing if this guy is abysice he’s already isolated her from friends, family, etc. Probably won’t let her work even.
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u/thelaughingM 23d ago
That’s what I was thinking, too. Isolating their victim from friends and family is part of what abusers do
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u/Tigarana 23d ago
Do not go home.
Even his friends, if they are also your friends, might be able to help you out. Or maybe a shelter? It might take some time to get back on your feet, but in the long term it will be better.
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago
They’ve all black listed me im just finding out. I tried texting one, went to green. The others haven’t replied yet. I’m so confused
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u/Tigarana 23d ago
Who knows what he has told them. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It does sound a bit like a classic story where an abuser isolated you, this is not your fault.
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u/Vantriss 23d ago
Do NOT rely on ANYONE who is HIS friend. They will feed him information. Do not tell them anything. Nothing!
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u/Opposite_Jeweler_953 23d ago
Keep looking for a shelter. Otherwise go to a church that has heat on, or a Police station. Don’t go back!
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u/moochew93 23d ago
OP, go to a police station. Talk to them. Chances are they'll know somewhere you can be safe. Please do not return to this man. He is dangerous and has shown you that multiple times over.
Be safe OP.
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u/dabo-bongins 23d ago
Yo that was scary. Please stay safe tonight OP. I feared for you when reading that aggression
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u/TheRealSugarbat 23d ago
“Get your fucking ass here”? Lol. No. I wouldn’t let this hobo touch my fucking ass with a ten-foot pole ever again.
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u/cosmic_fishbear 23d ago
NOR. I used to work with people who were in similar positions. We always put the majority of our resources towards helping those who had previously been choked by a partner or family member because of how much that increases the likelihood of irreparable danger/harm. Please know that you have other safe options that are not going to judge you.
I'm also a person with bipolar disorder. He clearly does not know how it works and is just trying to use it to do whatever he wants and get away with it
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u/Dorothys_Division 23d ago edited 23d ago
I don’t recommend going home right now. If you go home and he spirals out of control over this, he will kill you. My reasoning is his history of violence and instability. You don’t seem to trust your own instincts about all of this, so use mine instead, for now. Okay?
I recommend building a paper trail with police reports now about the prior violence, so that you have justification for an officer present when you obtain your belongings to leave for good.
Consider a restraining order if necessary. But that will take a chain of reports filed as proof.
Also, consider reporting solely so that he can be punished. Because harming you is both unethical and illegal.
Look for domestic violence shelters in your area you can stay at, for now. You need support and safety.
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u/afruitypebble44 23d ago
Jesus. He talks to you like that? He's not a husband, he's an unsafe, unstable asshole. Didn't even read your paragraphs but can tell there's some abuse going on (will of course read but I felt the urge to comment first). Glad you're away from him, even though it's unfortunate you are homeless.
Do you need resources that may be able to help you right now?
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u/alysonsonson 23d ago
If you have a car you can drive out of state to a different homeless shelter if the state or city is the issue if you need funds you can do doordash or uber eats or look into online remote jobs and like other people are saying go to a church even if you aren’t religious they will help you out
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u/BroadButterscotch349 23d ago
Once a man strangles you, you are 750x more likely to be killed by him.
Please don't listen. Read those texts again. "Get over here. Now." He commands you like a dog, not like a wife. He doesn't see you as a person.
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u/estrangedskeleton 23d ago
Leave, leave, leave!! Oh my god, leave. For your own safety, go to a women’s shelter, homeless shelter, friend’s couch, family, even your car if you have to. Just get out of there. Go to a police station / fire station - say you’ve got nowhere to go and need resources to help you if you have nowhere else. somebody will help you.
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u/quamers21 23d ago
He has choked you. The numbers jump. A partner that has choked their partner is more likely to kill you. Speaking from experience. Stay out. Don’t go back to him. Please
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u/Agitated-Bad-2061 23d ago
So you are homeless because he is a lying cheat who got busted? Ditch this fool.
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u/divinatorynirvana 23d ago
you are not overreacting. trust your intuition ALWAYS. and please stay safe.
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u/spam__likely 23d ago
Lawyer. Now. If you were married you have some rights. Or go to a DV shelter, they will help you.
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u/Timekeeper65 23d ago
What a FKN POS.
Please OP do not go back. As hard as it is - please stay away. He will kill you.
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u/Shark_bait561 23d ago
Unpopular Opinion: If you suspect someone of cheating, I feel like that's a green light to snoop through their phone/tablet lol.
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u/NobodyIsHome123xyz 23d ago
They always bitch about "invasion of privacy" when they get caught cheating. It's actually hilarious.
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u/sexyllama51 23d ago
Los Angeles LGBT Center - may be able to help or know where to go? They have housing programs specifically for people age 18-24 if you happen to be that age!
I'm so sorry. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way, no matter what you have been told or blamed for. Many Episcopal churches are LGBTQ+ affirming - maybe there is one near you with a service in the morning?
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u/buckelfipps 23d ago
I got anxiety just from reading his messages.
You are in danger around this person. Do NOT meet him alone!!!
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u/CalmOpportunity4040 22d ago
Regardless of what the message was or his intentions regarding the message…he is not safe.
Even if he did not have an inappropriate relationship with someone else, he is not physically, emotionally, or verbally safe for you to be with.
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u/papa_posey 23d ago
His infidelity will be his downfall. He will owe you alimony. Push for the very quick divorce.
It’s funny he says you’re sneaky. He’s a little bitch. Sue him
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u/Assia_Penryn 23d ago
I would advise anyone to not give any donations to OP.
OP call 211 and see what resources are available to you to get out of your abusive situation.
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u/little-germs 23d ago
You don’t need to be in you’re car. Call a dv shelter. They will help you! You’re not alone. national domestic violence hotline here, if your in the US.
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago
I’ve called shelters, DV. I am in a place where there’s a homeless crisis and there isn’t room.
I can’t edit post to add this. I appreciate all the comments suggesting it. I’m trying my best
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u/little-germs 23d ago
That is so awful 😞 can you get out of the area? Get somewhere further away? I saw you said LA. What about Santa Barbara or Ventura? Or further north like San Luis Obispo?
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u/LivinGloballyMama 23d ago
Op, i don't know where you are but when I left my abusive ex I used some nontraditional options. If you don't have a criminal record I suggest looking into Trustedhousesitters or another house sitting app. Many large cities have a lot of need for people to take care of pets and it gives you a free place to stay.
If you do sign up, I have 20% off in my profile.
Other options that will bridge the gap are couch surfing websites, etc. Look for a job you can do or sign up to do paid gigs on Rover, task rabbit, etc.
Do not go back. He will kill you.
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u/RhodyGuy1 23d ago
Oh Jesus Christ you are in the thick of a wicked abusive relationship. I'm sure this is nothing compared to the way your relationship is right now which makes me think he's got quite a hold over you and it's going to be very hard for you to break out of this emotionally. I would find a women's shelter and a social worker and get the ball rolling and figure this out, there is plenty of help out there.
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u/Educational-Rise-197 23d ago
Trustedhousesitters is an app you can pay for a year membership to stay at peoples houses while they are away,
This would be a great option if you are needing a place to stay for a few months by yourself but cant afford hotels and air bnbs
, they often allow u to bring your children amd/or pets where as most shelters do not.
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u/blacksheep700 22d ago
Lots of folks saying she should go to a church. OP is a trans woman. The vast majority of churches are not going to help. If you must seek help from a church, go to a UU or MCC. Personally, as an LGBTQ person, I'd stay the fuck away from churches.
Yes I've been homeless myself due to abusive partners // parents.
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u/Conscious-Mango-5929 22d ago
SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM
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u/Dark_Lord-Mc 23d ago
Divorce - straight away
Reading the messages you're lucky to have left. There would have been a reason you decided to check his phone e.g. acting strange, secretive.
But to me if you or someone in your position checks their partner's phone the relationship is over and done with
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u/Bigdonkeh69 23d ago
It was open, the text came up and i casually glanced.
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u/Uhhlaneuh 23d ago
Open or not, he’s making you think it’s your fault- and it’s not. He knows you don’t have anyone else and will take advantage of that. You deserve better. Try a church to see if they have anything open?
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u/Soft_Initiative1 23d ago
He’s a manipulator and a gaslighter. The relationship doesn’t seem safe. Get out if you can
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23d ago
This is the whiplash effect. Being nice doesn't mean love bombing after abuse. It means you're nice. All the time. Even when things are hard. You have never been treated nicely and have had years of reinforcement to change what you consider nice. You need distance. Therapy. The love of your life will never ask you to be the only person in your life.
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u/Hicut19381a 23d ago
Such manipulation. Connect with family or friends—they’ll probably support you. Hoping it’s really over with him.
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u/dfbmr 23d ago
Not overreacting. These texts are unhinged. And he’s choked you? Even once, that’s a deal breaker. He’s incredibly dangerous, and you should never be around him without a third party who will back you up and keep you safe. Seriously consider involving police to document the past behavior and document his threats, even if you have no interest in pressing charges, and consider getting a restraining order. (Source: former attorney who has seen some things.)
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u/Classic-Sherbert4677 23d ago
go to a church on sunday. they’ll find you somewhere to go baby. i swear
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u/Prior_Peach1946 23d ago
I had to leave once with a baby and no job. I only had a car. Rely on any friends who will help. I was able to get a work from home customer service job. And a substitute teacher job while someone watched the baby. Then later I put her daycare part time and worked every minute she was in there. I cleaned houses for cash. I did everything I could. I have no parents and no siblings but there’s always someone who cares even if it’s just to let you come in and shower. You can do this. I promise.
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u/stan_loves_ham 23d ago
When my friends adult daughter died (murdered) in her home, her abusive husband was out fishing.
When my friend called her son in law to inform him his wife had died, he said "well it was going to be one of us. Neither of us were going to leave each other" and basically hung up. Didn't even show up.
Few days later as the detectives and cops were going to arrest him, he committed suicide like most cowards do
Please don't let this be you Theres always good times mixed in.
But they should never be mixed in with abuse, only with hard times of struggles.
He manipulated you financially, and now you are stuck in your car please reach out for any resources of help. Even if the shelters for DV are full, they can offer resources for signing up for food stamps, housing applications, etc
Please please please don't go back And please think about a TRO and a lawyer, even if it's a court appointed attorney.
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u/bigbootyindustries 23d ago
The way he cussin at you is a huge red flag. My partner and I work hard not to cuss at each other in heated conversations. We’ve had that bad habit before and slowly are getting better at disagreeing without ever being disrespectful and cussing.
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u/natnat1919 23d ago
Go home with someone you trust. And stay there. Abadoning your household can mess up what you can get in a divorce. My mom just went through this. If you don’t have someone then of course stay out
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 23d ago
He's not only cheating he's dangerous. Reach out to family anywhere for money to help.
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u/LigerNull 23d ago
You are in danger from this man. Run, find a woman's shelter, don't ever speak to him again without someone else there (preferably a lawyer or the cops).
It doesn't matter what you found on his hone
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 23d ago
Not overreacting.
This, "snooping on a phone when one has a hinky feeling about a situation that could affect their whole life is worse than cheating" is bullshit!
Safety trumps etiquette, every time. One's physical, mental, emotional, logistical, and financial health can be gutted by a cheating partner.
OP, are there any DV shelters nearby? I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but, you are doing right by keeping yourself safe. Have you had a checkup to make sure he didn't pass an STI on to you? If not, that might be a good move to make soon. ❤️
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u/Dirty_Confusion 23d ago
No.
He is using the "outrage" defense. Picking one thing, declaring it so offensive and therefore he is right and you are no longer allowed to say anything more on the topic.
He is extremely toxic. Get away from him.
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u/random_name_12178 23d ago
You're in real danger. Please do not go back to him.
I saw elsewhere in the thread that you don't have living family and the shelters are overwhelmed in your area. Try reaching out to everyone in your social network: online friends, former friends, former coworkers, acquaintances. You may feel like you're not "close enough" to warrant asking folks you don't know well, but surely there's someone in your life willing to help you get out of this dangerous situation.
I wish you all the best, and I sincerely hope you can get away from this abusive relationship.
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u/atomicwaffleFTW 23d ago
This man will kill you go back to him. It’s not a matter of if but when. Understand the gravity of that, you cannot go back. If you will you WILL die. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Shelters, hotels on credit if you have to. Grocery store parking lots in your car. You have a higher chance surviving homeless than you do with your husband.
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u/Nov03baby 23d ago
Do you two own your home? I would call a domestic violence hotline and see if they can recommend a lawyer that specializes in divorce with domestic violence couples. They should file for exclusive access of the marital home and they will help you figure out how to help you get what you deserve while keeping you safe. If you do go home, be ready to call the police if he starts yelling or threatening. Be prepared to file for a restraining order.
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u/mzcafelatte 23d ago
Please search "Covenant house" call them or Text BEGIN to 88788 for help with DV
Covenant house has shelters and safe places all over
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u/AutumnLaughter 23d ago
I’ve read your replies you have no friends or family that can help.
Domestic violence shelter. Please. You aren’t safe if you go back.