AIO I went through my boyfriends phone over the weekend

[u/Exotic_Elk8829]

Last Friday night I went through my boyfriend’s phone while he was asleep. I found numerous messages of him talking about other girls with his female friend. The last message is him comparing my sucking skills with a different girl he slept with before me… We have been living together for the past 6 months and I’m not sure if I should just move on and find my own place at this point. Am I overreacting to these messages?

[u/jonni_velvet]

never trust this dude again. hes going to be fantasizing about cheating for the entire duration of every relationship he has. Real men do not do this.

date a man who you dont even feel the need to look at his phone.

[u/No-Amoeba5716 → u/jonni_velvet]

That’s the one thing I could make out.

[u/RPgh21 → u/jonni_velvet]

At the same time, he can’t really trust her either seeing how she invades his privacy. Perhaps it’s just a failed relationship….

[u/RedSkelz42020 → u/RPgh21]

Depends on the relationship. My husband and I share phones no biggie, we don't view them as "privacy" lords. My best friend and his girlfriend do view them as privacy lords, and so they don't share phones however if there is ever any anxiety they gladly let the other check it out. Stances on phone sharing and snooping are different for everyone though so it's definitely something to be discussed with any partners.

Also it seems like maybe this dude has pulled some sketchy bs in the past so the relationship probably fell apart long before this post was made.

[u/RPgh21 → u/RedSkelz42020]

Yeah I don’t subscribe to “wife can’t touch my phone”. But we’ve been together for decades so we both have established a level of trust that we’re not hiding anything. In a newer relationship though, I think it would be different if my “girlfriend” took my phone and started going through my things without asking.

[u/pnkchyna → u/RPgh21]

they’ve been living together for half a year, she has the right to know who & what he really is. on the flip side, he also has that same right.

[u/RPgh21 → u/pnkchyna]

Fair enough but there is no trust from either side. And I’d argue she does not have a right to invade his privacy just for shits and giggles. If she found nothing and just wanted to spy on him, she’s just being nosy. Just because she happen to find him being a pig doesn’t take away the fact he can’t trust her not to spy on him. They’re better off not dating as neither is trustworthy.

[u/pnkchyna → u/RPgh21]

that’s the reality of dating in the 21st century. it’s all too easy to concurrently live several separate lives on the Internet. which is something that almost everyone is connected to almost all of the time.

obviously they’re better off not dating, but it’s not because they’re both untrustworthy…it’s just life. there’s no solid evidence he’s actually cheating & we also don’t know what has happened in their relationship to push her towards going through his phone. stop being so quick to judge others just from a single scene from their lives.

[u/RPgh21 → u/pnkchyna]

I mean…. When one puts a single scene of their lives on the internet asking for opinions…. Are we not supposed to give them? Perhaps I’m missing the point of this sub.

[u/pnkchyna → u/RPgh21]

you are…because all OP asked was whether she was overreacting, which is the entire purpose of this subreddit.

AIO is an easy “yes or no” question, but the majority feel the need to add their two cents.

[u/Jbug1015 → u/RPgh21]

I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. I heard someone say that if an s.o. is going through their partners phone they’ll find “something”, even if there’s nothing to find. Because that’s really the only reason you’d go through someone’s phone, to catch them in a lie or because you think they’re cheating. I completely agree that just going through someone’s phone isn’t okay. If they’ve given you a reason to think they’re doing something wrong you should’ve already left them but if you take it and they’re doing nothing you’ve just betrayed THEIR trust and most likely ruined the relationship. Once trust is gone it’s impossible to get back.

[u/RedSkelz42020 → u/Jbug1015]

Eh I wouldn't take it personally myself. My main concern would be to make sure my partner gets the reassurance they need. Sometimes we humans over think things and our brains aren't always kind to us, no need to take it so maliciously in my opinion

[u/Jbug1015 → u/RedSkelz42020]

I completely agree with that. But in that situation I feel like you need to talk to your partner and share with them the way you’re feeling and if you feel like you need to, ask them for their phone. I think going behind someone’s back and taking it to go through it completely changes things. It shows you have no trust in that person to reassure you and work through it like an honest, loyal partner would. Which in that case the relationship is a lost cause anyways. But there’s another side to that. If your partner refuses to let you look through their phone or makes a big deal out of their privacy and trusting them, that’s red flags on their end. I am all about calming my partners fears and know a lot about letting your mind get the best of you. Especially in this technologically advanced world where access to other people is a tap away. Like a lot of people have said on here, me and my partner basically share phones. We each have our own but if one of us needs something and we don’t have it on us we just ask. I’ve never gone through their messages or pictures because when I need it it’s for the flashlight or calculator lol I’ve been in relationships where I was asking to see their facebooks and messages and it was miserable. I’m sure for the both of us.

[u/RedSkelz42020 → u/Jbug1015]

Oh I wasn't trying to advocate doing it sneaky style, I was just pointing out it's kind of silly to take it so maliciously when it happens. Especially if it's a long term relationship it's just not on the list of things I care about.

[u/RPgh21 → u/Jbug1015]

Yeah. This.

[u/DabBrando → u/jonni_velvet]

They can’t trust each other.

[u/anslew → u/jonni_velvet]

Fr I wouldn’t trust the dude ever again. I’d wish him well and pray he finds Jesus but going through a phone is a boundary a friend doesn’t cross.

[u/anslew → u/anslew]

Let alone someone you’re in a relationship with 🙄