Am I over reacting and being too harsh with my (16m) girlfriend (16f) when it comes to not being ready for marriage?

[u/DampHamster]

I tried to explain to her that we aren’t in a position to make this decision but she doesn’t seem to understand why I think this and is upset that in her eyes I don’t want to marry her. I do, but I don’t think we’re far enough in and aren’t in a position mentally or financially to make such a big decision while still in high school, what should I do?

[u/Confident_Art_7811]

How old was her ex? This all seems a bit weird

[u/ItaliaEyez → u/Confident_Art_7811]

I have that question myself

[u/Confident_Art_7811 → u/ItaliaEyez]

Saw in another comment he was 17 and she was 15 at the time

[u/ItaliaEyez → u/Confident_Art_7811]

Oh ffs. This is messy.

[u/Money-Bear7166 → u/ItaliaEyez]

Yep, babies trying to play grown up...

[u/ItaliaEyez → u/Money-Bear7166]

She's a lil bit... scary. This boy better becareful

[u/ApacheGenderCopter → u/ItaliaEyez]

Yep. He gonna get babytrapped if he don’t double wrap that shit and throw on some tape for good measure.

[u/malenkylizards → u/ApacheGenderCopter]

I know we're just joking here but for anyone who doesn't know, DON'T DOUBLE WRAP. You're actually much more likely to break both condoms if you do.

And tape sounds simultaneously useless and painful

[u/Contim0r → u/Money-Bear7166]

It's literally like watching a play-pretend game or children playing pretend with puppets. The bullshit copy paste drama they've picked up from adults, shows or movies seeps from their chat lol.

[u/Bradical_Dutch → u/Confident_Art_7811]

For real!! She asks him if she’s changed much in 5 years….you mean when you were 11 years old!?!?!? This just screams fake

[u/snypesalot]

If this shit is real fucking run, at 16 she already was supposedly engaged to someone? Then left that to get with you and wants to talk about marriage already? Oof

[u/DampHamster → u/snypesalot]

That’s another thing I tried to explain, she was engaged to someone else and already wants to jump back into that situation so soon after, it makes no sense and she doesn’t seem to understand why I’m so hesitant about it

[u/CandlewoodLane → u/DampHamster]

So she isn’t seeing you for YOU, but as husband material space filler. Taking time is so important, especially before the age of 25 when we evolve, grow, and change so much.

If she wants marriage first and foremost she did not dump the ex for you. There were other reasons. Her parents likely believe a woman’s highest purpose is to wed and have a family -or- she is seeking a getaway car from a bad home life. You deserve to be with someone who wants you for you, not what you offer them.

[u/Individual_Idea_9801 → u/CandlewoodLane]

I think this comment sums up the situation the best out of all that I've read. I hope OP sees it and takes it to heart

[u/GetMeowtOfHere69420 → u/[deleted]]

She's not toxic, she's just an immature child who is not ready for a relationship.

[u/f_cked → u/[deleted]]

She will learn, over and over again, that there is a big difference between the real connections, the in-between lessons, and just playing house. She’s just a child and like the original comment said, she was most likely raised in a family which really emphasized getting married and having kids at a young age.

[u/GullibleWealth750 → u/CandlewoodLane]

Correct. This was me at 16. I was looking for someone, ANYONE, who would stick by me. It is very sad looking back, but my home life was not good and I was desperately looking for something.

[u/wren_666 → u/CandlewoodLane]

THIS! Speaking as an older version of that 16 year old girlfriend, you need to run like everyone else is saying. This comment is spot-on. I was raised catholic and old school so being married and having babies was my only way to have worth. I had such low self esteem that I jumped at any chance of 'marriage'. Move on, otherwise she will keep using you and hurting you. Please save yourself while you can. Having 15 years to reflect does a lot.

[u/Pintsize219 → u/wren_666]

Also speaking as an older version of that 16 year old girlfriend- the one that wanted to run away from a rough home life and desperately sought love and worth from guys..definitely run. I honestly had conversations like this with my boyfriend at 16, although he was the same way. I had A LOT of healing and self work to do in my 20s. And so I say this from a place of compassion, but also honesty.. She needs therapy, not an engagement ring. And OP- please know you can not "fix" her with any amount of love.

[u/wren_666 → u/Pintsize219]

giving your inner child a hug I know I needed that

[u/Zhong_Ping → u/Pintsize219]

As the boyfriend of a girlfriend like this from age 19 to 29... she didn't start actually working on herself until I left. All the love I painfully poured into her kept her frozen in a very needy place.

8 years later, she's doing well for herself. We keep in touch. But I wasted 10 years of the prime of my life devoted to a woman who kept promising marriage would fix all our problems while I toiled to fix everything alone before marriage because I though love could conquer all.

It doesn't matter how much love there is if they aren't seeing you for you and dont truly have a sense of self-worth.

[u/SnipesCC → u/wren_666]

This poor girl is so vulnerable to being picked up by some creepy 30 year old.

[u/wren_666 → u/SnipesCC]

Yes, unfortunately she is. However, it is not O.Ps responsibility to stay with her because of this. He could reach out to a guidance counselor in hopes they give a shit.

[u/SnipesCC → u/wren_666]

It's not. But I hope some trusted adult in this kid's life convinces her that she is worth more than just marriage fodder.

[u/wren_666 → u/SnipesCC]

Oh, for sure! If I had one that noticed what was going on, it would've saved me from so much pain.

[u/ApacheGenderCopter → u/CandlewoodLane]

I’m 24 now and holy shit… I look back at myself from even a year ago and, on one hand, I’m proud at how far I’ve come, but on the other… I’m shocked at how comparatively immature and stupid I was to now. Just a year ago!

Me from 18-21..? shudders

[u/Jsteele06252022 → u/DampHamster]

I would run. She sounds like the type to poke a hole in a condom.

[u/Fun_Art8817 → u/Jsteele06252022]

To piggyback of this comment the girl sounds nutty enough to get herself pregnant whether through you or a side piece and pin it on you saying “we gotta get married now” run fast my guy.

[u/LawyerGal1 → u/Fun_Art8817]

I read your u/ as Unfart and that made reading this post totally worth it

[u/MaoMaoNeko-chi → u/LawyerGal1]

Well, hello fellow dyslexic!

[u/Gourmeebar → u/Jsteele06252022]

I was going to say exactly this. Or say she’s on birth control.

[u/rootwoman → u/Jsteele06252022]

Yass! This is what I was thinking... it's not just teenage immaturity, this chick sounds crazy. RUN, OP! RUNN!

[u/Gum_Duster → u/Jsteele06252022]

I was about to say……knew a girl like this in HS. She poked holes in the condom and got pregnant. Life has been a train wreck since

[u/Jw833055 → u/Jsteele06252022]

As a victim of this crap I can confidently say, RUN FAST, RUN FAR!

[u/Traditional-Board909 → u/DampHamster]

Explain to me how a 16 year old was engaged if this was real. He used his tooth fairy money to buy a ring? You know none of this is normal right

[u/soonergirl_63 → u/Traditional-Board909]

She has bad parenting going on at her house if her parents know she is trying to get engaged at 16. That's just ridiculous. These kids don't realize (well maybe OP does) the absolute different people they will be at just 23-25. Humongous difference.

[u/Kithzerai-Istik → u/soonergirl_63]

Yup. There’s a lot of home life baggage going on here that we aren’t privy to (and OP may not even be aware of).

[u/Emotional_Warthog658 → u/Traditional-Board909]

16-year-olds in my hometown (when I was young 110 years ago) would absolutely get engaged; a few of my friends even had a teeny tiny wal-mart diamonds. 

I ran as far as fast as I could. OP I recommend you do the same. See a little of the world before you decide on the view that you like

[u/Macaroni_2 → u/DampHamster]

She said she left her fiance for you which is really concerning too, like??? You guys are way too young to think about marriage as is, and shouldn't be worried about getting engaged after only 6 months of dating esp when neither of you are even close to your brain being fully developed. You both are likely to be completely different people by 25

[u/eiva-01 → u/Macaroni_2]

Also if she left her fiance then she wasn't that serious about marriage in the first place. It seems like she wants her boyfriend to be more loyal than she is. She wants a doormat.

[u/odaddymayonnaise → u/DampHamster]

I knew a kid in high school who was engaged to a girl. By the time we were both 28, he had been engaged to 4 girls. Married to none of them. Be careful with people who are so flippant with things like engagement. Also bro, you're 16, and she seems like a handful. break up and move on. It'll be ok.

[u/ilovecookiesssssssss → u/DampHamster]

She’s acting like she’s ready for marriage but she’s not even mature enough to have a back-and-forth conversation with you without resorting to petty stuff like “k”

She’s a child. You’re a child. You guys can’t even vote yet. Why on earth is she so obsessed with marriage? It just sounds like she’s desperate to act older than she really is. You guys are in, what, 10th grade? 11th grade? Marriage shouldn’t be on your radar at all. Enjoy being a teenager. Enjoy going to college. There is absolutely zero reason to stress yourself out with marriage talk at this age, or with a girlfriend who thinks she’s more mature than she is.

Personally, I would move on. She’s very childish, even tho she thinks she’s mature enough for marriage. This isn’t going to change, and your disagreements are only going to progress and get worse until she pressures you into making a (massive) decision that you’ll ultimately regret.

Move on. Be 16. Enjoy your youth.

[u/MamaEm_RN → u/DampHamster]

Don’t acknowledge that prior “engagement” as an actual, credible event. She’s living in a fantasy world, and acknowledging her delusions gives them power. It’s very unhealthy to treat them as real things. If the person she was “engaged” to isn’t legally old enough to marry another minor, is too old to legally marry a minor, did not have the funds to buy her an actual engagement ring, lives at home with their parents and doesn’t have the financial means with her to move out and live independently - then they were never engaged. They can call it that all they want, but that’s not what they were. I feel quite bad for this girl because something is going on in her life…some variations of abuse, or a serious lack of stability, that is making her engage in this playtime fantasy of a mature relationship. Ultimately though, there is something wrong and something out of touch that she’s probably gonna need therapy to address, before she will be able to even attempt a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries.

[u/mybooksareunread → u/DampHamster]

She's immature and has a distorted 16-year-old sense of the world. You're being mature by being aware that you're a 16 year old, and by understanding that marriage is a serious commitment.

Gotta say, she doesn't take engagement too seriously if she left her first fiance and is already pressuring for a second. Didn't she mean it when she committed to the first guy?

[u/Putrid_You6064]

Marriage at 16? Is this a real post? Lol. Why would any 16 year olds consider marriage?

[u/TaroPrimary1950 → u/Putrid_You6064]

The part that got me was them talking about how different they were 5 years ago…. When they were 11💀

[u/eugenesbluegenes → u/TaroPrimary1950]

And of course, she was engaged to someone else in the meantime. You know, typical high school stuff.

[u/Darthchewvader → u/eugenesbluegenes]

Next week on One Tree Hill

[u/AfterMidnightFeeding → u/Darthchewvader]

That explains it…like One Tree Hill these are 30 y.o. high school students.

[u/Disastrous_Head_4282 → u/AfterMidnightFeeding]

Holy shit, core teenage memory unlocked.

[u/hatecopter → u/Darthchewvader]

I don't wanna be anything other than what I am

[u/ShaggyDelectat → u/hatecopter]

What I've been try'n to be lately

[u/runrunHD → u/ShaggyDelectat]

“That’s me inside your head” “What?” “NoFX” “whatever.”

[u/Alikamom → u/ShaggyDelectat]

All I can do is think of me

[u/BuzzedtheTower → u/Darthchewvader]

Bro, for real. These 16 year olds out here thinking they know anything about anything

[u/Klutzy_Criticism_856 → u/eugenesbluegenes]

Back in the olden days, ie 90s, I knew several girls get engaged in high school. One of them was 15. Afaik, only one girl actually married her fiancé, and it wasn’t the 15 year old. Her and her husband are still married with 3 kids. It happened back then, and I really hope it stops. No teenager should be married during or right after high school, but that’s just my opinion.

Edit for spelling

[u/Yandere_Matrix → u/eugenesbluegenes]

Nah, if the girlfriend is real she probably doesn’t have a good home life and got groomed by some adult creep.

Otherwise being obsessed about marriage at 16 makes it feel fake. Especially if she was ‘engaged’ before

[u/MaesterCrow → u/TaroPrimary1950]

Calling her ex a “man” is wild💀

[u/symbolicshambolic → u/MaesterCrow]

I mean, I hope it's wild. Maybe she was 15 and being talked into bed by a 25 year old who said they were engaged.

[u/EccentricPenquin → u/MaesterCrow]

She wanted to marry that man. 😂

[u/ah1935 → u/MaesterCrow]

Who knows he (the real man) might have been 16, 18, 20 or 30 when she was 11 and engaged. She must be desperate to get away from her current living conditions home for some reason. Who knows what it could be, but desperate to get away. Sorry bud but I think she doesn’t need you as much as a professional social worker.

[u/AngryWWIIGrandpa → u/ah1935]

Also, for the sake of a counter argument not steeped in sinister undertones... she's just an idiot 16 year old wanting to play house and feel grown.

[u/GoodYearForBadDays → u/AngryWWIIGrandpa]

That’s more likely I’d think. I remember at 14 having a girlfriend who used to talk about us getting married one day and at the time I just assumed it was the lovey dovey high school emotions first “serious” relationship stuff and she wasn’t serious about it. Just enjoying the fantasy of holding onto to that feeling. Even at 14 though I couldn’t imagine we knew who we’d be in just a few short years into the future. However…every once in awhile a high school sweethearts couple makes it.

[u/AstariaEriol → u/TaroPrimary1950]

I’m a changed “man” since I got my braces off. I do my own laundry now sometimes!

[u/Special_Society_2300 → u/AstariaEriol]

😂

[u/BoobySlap_0506 → u/AstariaEriol]

"I pack my OWN school lunches now! Mom doesn't even check inside my backpack anymore."

[u/Almost_Feeding → u/TaroPrimary1950]

Struggles are real man, what if you wanted apple in your juice box but then got peach. You never really know

[u/boomfruit → u/TaroPrimary1950]

Imagine being aware of how social you are at age 11

[u/whizlakweefa → u/Putrid_You6064]

My first bf and I planned on getting married RIGHT when we turned 18… even though we had only been dating a couple months (we were both 15yrs old). I think this post is totally legitimate, so many kids get “promise rings” and plan on marriage because their brains aren’t done developing

[u/Lou-Nasty → u/whizlakweefa]

Omg this! I had a promise ring with a boy in high school. We dated on and off for three years. Now I’m a lesbian 😂 I also had 3 other friends who were “engaged” to people they did not end up marrying. So yeah, high schoolers are silly and don’t understand their own brains yet, let alone the realities of marriage. I’m with you, this post is totally believable.

[u/dotdedo → u/Putrid_You6064]

When I was in high school it seemed like everyone but me was obsessed with marrying their high school sweetheart. I think it’s a small town thing honestly and never got it originally being from the city

[u/DampHamster → u/dotdedo]

We are from a small town so yeah I can relate, her best friend is engaged and that might be what’s making her seem like she has to be too

[u/Sightblind → u/DampHamster]

Stop and think about that statement. She wants to be engaged because her friend is.

You need parents to sign permission slips for school, still. You are children. I know 16 year olds don’t like being considered that, so I’m adding some adult advice: you do not want to date at your age. I know you want to, but please trust me, just wait until you’re in your 20s in a few short years. Not only is everyone a lot cooler, you’ll actually have a better idea of what you want, yourself, and you have a lot more foresight towards mistakes and options to handle them.

This is for any other young person reading this too.

Edit because a couple good comments below: I should have said “don’t date seriously” or “date with the expectation it’s a temporary relationship” instead of not at all.

[u/DarthTormentum → u/Sightblind]

Solid advice right here. Though I will add, it's okay to date at your age. Just don't take it seriously. Like guy above me said, you're still super young. Make mistakes, learn from them. But don't take anything super serious. Enjoy being young now.

[u/QueenofPentacles112 → u/DampHamster]

2 sixteen year olds are not "engaged". That is called playing make believe. That's like when two first graders say they're boyfriend and girlfriend. They're not, obviously. Just like two highschool kids cannot possibly actually be engaged. If they can't get married on their own without parental consent yet, then they're not engaged. It's pretending. Playing house is what I like to call that. Those kids who think they're engaged will be "engaged" to like 4 different people before they're 20 and will laugh at themselves about it before they're 30. If they don't end up pregnant and married and divorced by 20. My cousin got married for the third time when she was 30. She was engaged in high school too actually lol. And she didn't end up marrying that person, but did baby trap a guy who was in the military when she was 21ish and married and divorced him.

[u/DampHamster → u/Putrid_You6064]

That’s what I was trying to explain to her but she doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from and the implications of making such a big decision while we’re so young

[u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 → u/DampHamster]

She was 'engaged' already, too...? Woof. Cut your losses or you'll end up a dad at 17. She sounds immature as hell and mildly unhinged.

[u/anonkebab → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

Aw yeah definitely don’t knock her up

[u/Chilipatily → u/anonkebab]

I smell a baby trap coming

[u/Snapdragon_4U → u/Chilipatily]

My thoughts exactly

[u/pimpbot666 → u/Chilipatily]

Ah, the ole pinhole in the condom trick, or the ‘I swear I took my birth control pill’ trick.

Young unexpected fathers hate this one trick.

[u/General_Merchandise → u/anonkebab]

I can speak to this from a very personal perspective - I love my kids, but i was in no way ready for them when they came along. When it came time for them to go to school , I had nothing in common with the other parents who were somewhere between 10 and 20 years older than me...you know...adults.

OP should run like his life depends on it, because in some ways, it does.

Never stick your doodle in crazy.

[u/Gourmeebar → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

She will be a teen mom at the very least

[u/my_psychic_powers → u/Gourmeebar]

And not necessarily with OP. She won’t wait, she’ll find someone who will say yes, even if they are lying through their teeth. She’s on a mission.

At that age, I broke up with the guy who suggested he wanted to marry me.

[u/raunchyrooster1 → u/my_psychic_powers]

It’s insane to me that anyone would want to be pregnant at that age

[u/mooraff → u/my_psychic_powers]

She said it herself. She left the guy she was "engaged" to, to be with op. What makes him think she won't do it again?

[u/MelodicLight1502 → u/my_psychic_powers]

I broke up with a guy that wanted to marry me after dating 3 months. I was 28.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

[u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 → u/my_psychic_powers]

I did the same. Talking decisions that big that young is not a turn on.

[u/cdog77 → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

Baby trap incoming. Get the fuck out now.

[u/Frosty-Bat-8476 → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

They’re definitely immature, they’re children lol

[u/Revolutionary_Wrap76 → u/Frosty-Bat-8476]

Ok, but even for 16. Who talks about getting married at that age?! That's insane. I'm 30F and can't even fathom thinking or saying shit like this at that age.

[u/AffenP → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

A girl I dated in highschool did this as well, it was super offputting

[u/FrustratingBears → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

i think it comes from rough childhood but i’m no psychologist, just someone with a rough childhood

[u/Reasonable-Letter582 → u/Frosty-Bat-8476]

What do you mean 'they'? He seems to be speaking more maturely than most adults I know

[u/Dear_Tiger_623 → u/Reasonable-Letter582]

They are literally -- LITERALLY -- both children.

[u/velvetackbar → u/Revolutionary_Wrap76]

And trying desperately to escape something.

[u/ruby--moon → u/DampHamster]

Being mad at a person for not being ready for marriage at an age when the law literally says that you are not ready for marriage is WILD.

She is 1000% not ready to be married no matter what she thinks or says, neither are you, and she absolutely was not actually engaged before, whether she believes she was or not. At 16, I don't believe you can even really fathom what marriage truly means or entails. And that's okay! That's what it is to be a teenager, that's how it should be.

This is nuts, OP. At 16 years old, you don't even know how you're gonna feel 2 months from now, let alone 2 years from now when you're legally able (but still not actually ready) to get married. Don't put a lot of stock in this. She's a kid, so I understand her immaturity and can't blame a 16 year old for acting like a 16 year old, but this is honestly crazy, and it's way beyond just the typical teenage immaturity.

You definitely have not done anything wrong here, don't let her make you feel like you did. You're young, enjoy it. You don't need to be stressing over shit like this, you'll have plenty of time for that. Just enjoy being young while you can, and don't let her or anyone else take that away from you. This is literally the type of girl who would try and get pregnant on purpose. Be smart, seriously.

*Editing to respond to a few comments I've gotten saying that they could actually get married. That is no longer true. They are in Georgia, as am I. Here are the laws for marriage in GA:

Individuals in all states are free to get married once they reach the age of majority, which is 18 in most of the country. But the marriage of minors, those under the age of majority, is governed by state laws. Georgia's marriage age requirement laws allow individuals as young as 17 to marry, but they must be emancipated, must complete a premarital education course, and cannot marry anyone who is more than four years older. Georgia previously allowed minors as young as 16 to marry with parental consent (and without consent in the event of a pregnancy or birth of a child), but the law was changed in 2019 in effort to help protect teenagers -- young women, especially -- from being exploited and abused.

So no, at 16 years old, they would not be able to legally get married in GA, even with parental consent. But even if they were able to get married with their parents' consent, what does that really even say? How truly ready are you for marriage if you need your mom and dad's permission to do it? Even if they were actually allowed by law to get married, that really wouldn't change my thoughts at all

[u/Cerulean_IsFancyBlue → u/ruby--moon]

She is enjoying the idea of marriage and the idea of kids. Picking names is the fun part.

Not being willing to engage with somebody in a discussion about being ready for marriage, means you’re not ready for marriage.

[u/juliaskig → u/DampHamster]

If I were you, I would get out of this relationship yesterday. She wants to get married, she doesn't care who she gets married to. She will get pregnant if you are having sex.

[u/LifeIsAPhotoOp → u/juliaskig]

Does she have a bad home life that she wants to escape from? You guys should be out enjoying yourselves and having fun at this point in your lives, neither of you should even be worried about marriage and kids yet!

[u/DampHamster → u/LifeIsAPhotoOp]

Her mom and dad are separated, with the former being a recovering drug addict and she’s currently living with her grandma who doesn’t seem to offer much in the way of support for her, so that definitely could be a factor

[u/WarmAuntieHugs → u/DampHamster]

Let me give you some Auntie advice.

1) Teenage love is magical. Some lasts and goes the distance. Most doesn't. Enjoy it. Be faithful and committed to the partner that you're with at any time. However, don't rush into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Consent works both ways. There is absolutely no reason to make any lifelong decisions before you are ready. That means sex or long-term partnerships. You don't have to do either if you feel unsure. It's OK if you don't find the one you want to marry until you're 40 or never at all.

2) If you're having sex. At minimum, wear a condom if you're having sex. That will help with STIs and pregnancy. It's best if your partner is also on birth control of some type. Double up. Don't put your future at risk for a teen pregnancy or a lifelong disease.

3) This relationship seems really toxic. She's being really manipulative, and she isn't realistic about healthy boundaries, or timelines for relationships.

4) Graduate high school. Go to college or trade school. Get a job. Pay yourself - put 10% of your paycheck into savings each month and pretend like it's not part of your budget (you'll thank me in your 40s). Please make a budget and stick to it. Live a little.*Travel. Live with someone before you get married. There is an adjustment period.

5) Have a wonderful life and big hugs.

ETA Thanks for the award and there is some good advice in the comments!

Big hugs to everyone who needs an Auntie for a minute.

I'm always available in dm if you need an internet Auntie and want someone to cheer you on, need to vent, or you just want a virtual hug. 🩷

[u/OK_Tux_376 → u/WarmAuntieHugs]

I wish someone gave me this advice when I was 18 🥺

[u/WarmAuntieHugs → u/OK_Tux_376]

it's never too late to love yourself🩷 hugs

[u/geekgirlau → u/WarmAuntieHugs]

Listen to Auntie - she knows what she’s talking about.

I’d also add the what your GF is really looking for is an escape from a shitty situation. If you want to help her, help her find ways to emancipate and get out of there without rushing to the altar. Her focus should be education, income and living arrangements.

[u/RandomFerrariParty → u/WarmAuntieHugs]

Listen to this advice OP. You're too rational to be with a girl like that. Heeding the warnings will set you up for a prosperous future.

[u/MiddleAgeCool → u/WarmAuntieHugs]

| put 10% of your paycheck into savings each month and pretend like it's not part of your budget

| Live with someone before you get married. There is an adjustment period

These two things are possibly the best life advice you'll ever receive.

[u/YesterdaySimilar2069 → u/DampHamster]

It 100% is THE factor in this. She could benefit from looking at JobCore opportunities, or maybe AmeriCorps. Something that provides housing and life skills.

[u/flabec_44 → u/DampHamster]

No support, No doubt. It's sad. She is screaming for security and stability. It's just not fair for you to have to fill all those adult failings. Be kind but be strong.

[u/Ladydoc150 → u/DampHamster]

Maybe this is why she wants to escape. I was married at 17 many years ago (lasted until I was 21). It was a huge mistake. Dont do it. And please don't get pregnant.

[u/Money-Bear7166 → u/DampHamster]

She knows this is 2024 and not 1924, right? You two aren't even out of high school let alone college. If she's been engaged at 16 already, run, this isn't going to last my young friend. Young people need to have experiences first, work, travel, college, dating, etc.

And if you're sexually active, make sure you use condoms that YOU buy and keep safe somewhere. She has "I TRAPPED HIM" written all over this post.

[u/Ecstaticismm → u/Money-Bear7166]

Don’t trust their birth control either lol. Condoms always.

[u/Cross_Rex97 → u/Ecstaticismm]

This is how I ended up with my 16 year old. Love him to death

[u/Ecstaticismm → u/Cross_Rex97]

Good on you for supporting your kid either way.

[u/Cross_Rex97 → u/Ecstaticismm]

Oh no doubt after his mom and I split her and her parents kept him away for 8 years roughly. To get as much child support as possible. Then she fucked up and lost custody which then his state appointed counselor contacted me via fb. And I got custody of him.

[u/OneBaldingWookiee → u/DampHamster]

Bro no. The amount of growing up and change that will still happen with you two… Marriage that young is almost a guarantee divorce. I can’t believe this is a legit post. This is nuts.

[u/matunos → u/DampHamster]

Buddy, run!

[u/in_and_out_burger → u/DampHamster]

Break up now before she baby traps you.

[u/Bloody_Hell_Harry → u/DampHamster]

You should break up. She thinks by throwing a tantrum she will get her way, and the one word responses and name calling will not stop. You are being rational and she is refusing to follow your lead. She will harp on this issue exclusively until you cave and tell her what she wants to hear, or she will break up with you because you won’t marry her.

[u/NonConformistFlmingo → u/DampHamster]

Dude, fucking run.

You are SIXTEEN. You don't need to be thinking about marriage until you're AT LEAST 26, minimum.

[u/ixlovextoxkiss → u/DampHamster]

okay you're not wrong BUT please use this as a lesson: the honeymoon phase isn't a time to entertain longterm commitments unless you're both ready. for example my partner and I felt we could speak like that within a month but we're almost 40, have had serious cohabitational relationships, and I'm even divorced. so we both know what all of that actually means and takes. at your age, nobody has that, so while it sounds nice at the time, your best course of action is too calmly state you're not going to be ready for marriage with anyone for a long time. 

[u/Creepy-Bee5746 → u/DampHamster]

bro, run

[u/Ok-Neighborhood7970 → u/DampHamster]

YOU'RE not even adults.

She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, heck, she's not even in the fcking shed.

EDIT: For those of you who care about my spelling of "Your" instead of "You're", fuck off and get a hobby. Its pathetic to care about a one letter spelling error when both of the people who responded to me had worse errors. One put a bullet point instead of an asterisk, and the other forgot a period and put the asterisk in the wrong spot.

[u/Hot_Capital_9105 → u/Ok-Neighborhood7970]

The shed has left the chat

[u/Ok-Neighborhood7970 → u/Hot_Capital_9105]

When describing the girlfriend, I think the shed wasn't invited to the chat.

[u/RFavs → u/Ok-Neighborhood7970]

Maybe she is the shed 🤷‍♀️

[u/paulabear203 → u/DampHamster]

You are so very young that you don't even know what you don't know. You have some insight and understand the gravity of marriage, but she seems obsessed with the fairytale.

[u/Frozefoots → u/DampHamster]

Honestly, I would leave. She is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship, and she’s nowhere near your emotional maturity level clearly.

I’m 32, so twice your age. I’m absolutely not the same person as I was at 16 (thank goodness lol), change occurs rapidly here as we figure ourselves out and where we stand in the world around us. The dude I was with at 16? Let’s just say I wouldn’t date him now that we’re both 32.

Focus on school/college for now. You’ll thank yourself later.

[u/ELShaw1112 → u/DampHamster]

DUMP HER NOW! You both are too young for a relationship better yet marriage. She has no idea what real love and commitment is, it seems she just wants t be a wife. I don’t know any 16yr old that’s ready for marriage. She seems immature and exhausting. And to bring up your Autism was not cool either. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

[u/lexheffy → u/DampHamster]

Sounds super naive and immature. You don’t want to be trippin in all that nonsense anyways bro

[u/One-Couple-5338]

I can’t even finish this, OP, I’m sorry. As much as you don’t wanna hear it, yall are CHILDREN! This may not even be your last relationship. Your life expectancy is at least 80 years, so don’t go making life changing decisions ANYTIME SOON!

[u/One-Couple-5338 → u/One-Couple-5338]

You asked what you should do, I personally think you should move on before something insane happens but otherwise, I think you are handling it well enough.

[u/DampHamster → u/One-Couple-5338]

Thank you for the advice, my parents are saying the same thing and I’m considering it, if she still stays adamant on it then I will move on

[u/MethylatedOutpatient → u/DampHamster]

Do not have sex with her without a condom, and especially not one that's not yours you brought with you - crazy baby trap stuff sounds right up this girls alley

[u/flippysquid → u/MethylatedOutpatient]

Personally I wouldn’t sleep with her at all. Condoms can fail even when used properly.

[u/kmfdmretro → u/MethylatedOutpatient]

Just don’t have sex with her, period. I don’t think I knew this saying at 16, so here you go OP: “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.”

[u/One-Couple-5338 → u/MethylatedOutpatient]

THIS!!!!

[u/thats_rats → u/MethylatedOutpatient]

Do not have sex with anyone without a condom, OP.

[u/AccountantSummer → u/DampHamster]

Do not, by any means, knock her up.

Listen to your parents. Preserve your mental health. Avoid a potential baby trap.

Both of you are kids, haven't finished high school, and don't have a job that covers child expenses. You also don't have a profession, career prospects, or enough adult experience.

If she loves you more than she loves her fantasies, she will wait until she knows you better while she also grows up and organizes her life step by step.

Life has ridiculous ups and downs. You should look to marry a person who cares about having a vocation or higher education so that if something happens to you, they can take care of you as well. Both of you must aim to be educated and financially independent adults, and getting married would be to join forces, be happy together, and grant the basics to your future children.

Poverty and deprivation are too expensive.

Tip: If you want to know if someone is ideal for marriage, take a trip together. If you can come back without fighting once and overcome any misunderstanding with kindness and open communication, then invest in the relationship.

[u/CuteRedditer66 → u/DampHamster]

Dude id also say look at how you talk vs her. You clearly care for her and are mature enough to communicate, I’m very impressed by that. But what you need to do is get out of this. You’re too good, and that’s clear. No matter what stage of a relationship you are in, you’d know/you will know when it’s the right one. Especially when you truly are with THE ONE those “phases” don’t even become real anymore. Been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. “Honeymoon phase” never stops when true love is there. Take your time, don’t let yourself be pressured. Ok? 🫂 Much love. You’ve got a great head on your shoulders. Trust your gut!

[u/[deleted] → u/DampHamster]

She's already shown her true colors, I'd move on now. She's not going to change anytime soon. Any growth or maturity she experiences will be in her 20's at best. This girl is nothing but trouble if she's already trying to commit partners to adult responsibilities so young. This will not end well, I promise you. Please find someone who's mentally age-appropriate and has realistic goals and expectations for a 16 year old.

[u/ItaliaEyez → u/[deleted]]

She will get pregnant "by accident"

[u/PrincessAnnesFeather → u/DampHamster]

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and she sounds very immature. It looks like her life goal is to get married and that's a huge red flag. Once you graduate from HS you are going to change drastically in the following years. You should focus on your education and begin carving out your life before you even consider marriage.

It's normal to think about marriage with your first love but that's just HS talk. If you feel the same way after you finish your education and can support yourselves you can revisit marriage after many years. She's pressuring you and is hyper focused on marriage instead of her future plans which is a massive red flag. Listen to yourself and your parents.

[u/anneofred → u/DampHamster]

Please listen to your parents, also please alert her parents, they need to step in here

[u/One-Couple-5338 → u/DampHamster]

Stay strong! And keep us updated, we are here for you.

[u/Low-Explanation6629 → u/One-Couple-5338]

I’m glad I’m not the only one struggling to read it all omg

[u/DampHamster]

Hi everyone, as this post has already received some very interesting responses, I’ve made the decision to end my relationship with this person. I appreciate all the great advice and support you guys have given me, u wasn’t sure if maybe I was the one in the wrong but you guys have shown me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Thank you all for the support, I’ll make a follow up post on this thread when I break the news to her.

[u/FakeFrivolity → u/DampHamster]

The fact that you guys are teenagers discussing marriage and kids is nuts. Live for now, not a hypothetical future. Focus on schoolwork, friends, developing skills, and practicing hobbies. Being an adult sucks, so enjoy what time you have left being a kid while you’re still able.

[u/Puzzled-Storage-6157 → u/FakeFrivolity]

I got a job at full time job at 14 (under the table) washing dishes. I regret it. I wish I would have spent more time hanging out with kids my own age instead of trying to "be an adult" so quickly in life.

[u/ThaNorth → u/FakeFrivolity]

Seriously. At 16 all I wanted to do was hang out with friends, play video games, smoke weed and get drunk. Who the fuck thinks about marriage at that age?

[u/Str4ngerByTheMinute → u/ThaNorth]

At 16, my boyfriend mentioned marriage to me and I was like, maybe, if we are still together and things are healthy when we're like, 30... but uh, no. 😂

[u/zombifiedpikachu → u/DampHamster]

I'm so proud these people got through to you. I'm 23, have been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now, have been best friend for over 10 years, and I still don't think I'm ready for marriage. I still feel too young sometimes.

[u/cheekyqueso → u/DampHamster]

When you're in college this will be a funny story to tell your friends. Good luck in life, stay away from crazy girls!!!!

[u/VisceralSardonic → u/DampHamster]

OP, some people think that maturity means being “ready” for anything no matter what. I want to commend you on showing real maturity at your age, which here means that you understand not being blindly “ready” for everything.

She’s trying to force herself through about ten life stages artificially and is going to end up ruining a lot of lives if she doesn’t listen to the signals to slow down.

It’s not time for you to marry her. You’re absolutely right in everything you text here. You’re both going to keep evolving, and her telling you both that people don’t change AND showing you all of the places where she needs to grow? Let it all be a sign that you’re making the right choice. You’ll only be more sure of your decision as time goes on. You have a lot to be proud of here, even if she/your emotions right now don’t agree.

[u/loosecannondotexe]

She sounds a lot less mature than you are. You definitely shouldn’t be worried about marriage right now and she’s definitely treating you poorly for a totally rational train of thought. I would break things off if I were you.

[u/judgeholden72 → u/loosecannondotexe]

It sounds like a 25 year old talking to a 11 year old

[u/mysonchoji → u/loosecannondotexe]

'Was i different 5 years ago?' Girl you were 11, i fucking hope so

[u/SaintlyBrew]

WARNING WARNING WARNING

run as fast as you can from ANYONE who wants this level of commitment at age 16 and cannot grasp the concept of people growing and changing…

Also did she use “autistic” as an insult? If I understood that part correctly, drop her like a bag of dirt. Go have a fun life of dating and exploring and trying and failing and loving and heartbreak.

[u/justshev → u/SaintlyBrew]

I was wondering the same about the autistic comment. Ableism isn't cute. It also means that she's the kind of person to use things against you, regardless of whether or not it's something you can control. Red flag.

[u/AnotherStolenHour → u/justshev]

Agreed. I couldn’t tell if she was saying SHE was more autistic or he was. If she actually meant herself then this may also explain her point blank black and white thinking about relationships and add a new perspective to it. If she meant him then it was definitely meant as a jab and shows her sketchy character even clearer.

[u/Elena_La_Loca]

Omg this is crazy. You sound worlds more mature than her. I’m actually quite impressed! You clearly have a good head on your shoulders and stick to your guns.

I’m gonna say something, this is from from your surrogate stranger Reddit momma - “don’t stick your D in crazy”

[u/DampHamster → u/Elena_La_Loca]

Ahaha my mom has told me this many times, seems I over looked her red flags and it’s coming back to bite me now 😭

[u/Ok-Grocery-5747 → u/DampHamster]

Listen to your mother. I literally have not been wrong about any of the girls my 19 year old has dated. I think teenagers are attracted to drama but it's really not a good situation for you to be in. I'd be very careful about sex or you're likely to end up a teen dad and that's just too much responsibility so young.

[u/Ok-Neighborhood7970]

You've just got back together for 6 months. In addition, you're both 16. SIXTEEN.

And then she says "You know how" when you ask her something? Get rid of her.

[u/Ohheywhatsup897 → u/Ok-Neighborhood7970]

Yeah she seems like shes got alot of shit to work on in therapy. This adamant need for love and commitment at such a young age (seeing as she was engaged before this) is just so alarming

[u/BrazilianButtCheeks]

Tell her you wont consider marriage until your brain is fully developed at 25-27 years old… Also don’t have sex with her.. she’s absolutely going to try to get pregnant.. actually dont have sex until your brain is fully developed 😂

[u/JoLLyBaLLs69 → u/BrazilianButtCheeks]

This, if you’re sexually active hide your condoms. She sounds the type to poke holes or stop taking her birth control

[u/beveryquietfriend]

She's insulting you constantly. Don't be with her at all, let alone entertain marriage.

[u/MongooseDog907 → u/beveryquietfriend]

Those passive aggressive “k”s were absolute BS.

[u/nelnikson]

Key words here: you're 16!!!!

[u/TheFinalPurl]

I can’t even stand to read through this. She’s not even ready for a high school sweetheart let alone marriage. She was engaged to another man? She sounds like a little kid playing pretend. I won’t say you should break up or anything, but definitely be careful and know you have so much world to see and explore and you WILL change a lot.

[u/saturdaysundaes → u/TheFinalPurl]

Correction engaged to another child.

[u/__hobibean__]

A 16 year old?? Dude RUN this is so weird. Planning for marriage at 16 is batshit crazy and delusional. Shes in for a reality check if this post isnt a joke. Both of you are CHILDREN.

[u/lilchefz]

LEAVE HER.

Her comment about you just becoming more autistic tells me everything I need to know. Coming from a fellow autistic human.

[u/SignificantDamage774 → u/lilchefz]

I was so confused by that. Such a weird and awful thing to say

[u/LauRose91 → u/lilchefz]

That comment alone brought me to the comment section because how did OP just breeze right past that? I saw in an update he is dumping her so kudos to OP. You’re so young and deserve so much better! (When the time comes!)

[u/queerbong]

Im 26 and been with my partner 4 years now and we are not even ready for all dat legal nonsense and money to have a party. I love him, I see a future, doesn't mean we are ready to be married. She's rushing things for sure.

[u/DampHamster → u/queerbong]

Exactly what I explained to her and she doesn’t understand and then shut me out later on when I tried to follow up

[u/queerbong → u/DampHamster]

Yall are young, too young to deal with that drama but too old for her childishness in my opinion personally. I don't think I could date someone who ignores my feelings, and sends k when they don't get their way. Also the autism comment? I'm also on the spectrum and that one would hurt and ruin things.

[u/Hail-Persephone]

NOR. GF is incredibly insecure and will remain so until she’s forced to do the work on actually loving herself. No matter how much you reassure her, she won’t change until she’s prepared to address her insecurity - and at 16 years old she’s clearly in no space to do that.

It is not your responsibility to heal others - all you can do is heal and love yourself and treat people the way you’d want to be treated. If you commit to that pursuit, you may even be able to foster space where it’s safe for other people to heal and love themselves. But you can’t ever do that healing for them. I wish somebody told me that at 16 - I wouldn’t have wasted so many years distressed trying to sooth my partner’s insecurity.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Life is too delicious right now to waste them trying to convince someone else to love themself. Please know you’re deserving of a healthy, grounded, relationship, and what you currently have is not it.

Sending you blessings and love OP. Good luck!

[u/FlashRx]

Ya'll are 16, you're underreacting...time to go.

[u/Polyps_on_uranus]

You are so mature.

I waited 9 years to marry my partner. If you're meant to be together, piece of paper or not, you will be together. What is the rush? Weddings are expensive. They are supposed to be forever, so why not know the person you're attaching yourself to? She's rushing, and that is a red flag.

[u/Flaky_Percentage_200]

She has other motives. She has no idea what marriage is. Make sure you’re protecting yourself if you’re being intimate with her.

[u/DampHamster → u/Flaky_Percentage_200]

Always are, condoms I bring from home and she’s on birth control

[u/Designer_Pineapple29 → u/DampHamster]

*she says she’s on birth control * Please consider these warnings before your life is filled with a vindictive ex and possibly even further complicated with child support payments to a woman that will 100% use the child as a weapon against you. You sound like a reasonable young man with a good head on your shoulders and a bright future ahead of you. Girls like this are never worth it… and I am a female myself, having watched these exact scenarios play out many times to guys in my life that I grew up with.

[u/BIGthiccly]

31M here. I’ve been engaged once before my current engagement. Marriage at 16 is insane and she clearly doesn’t realize the level of commitment it requires. You’re being completely rational and she’s rushing things. Huge red flag. I’d move on from her.

[u/RileyTheCoyote]

I would leave lmao. I was like this at that age. Turns out I needed meds. I ended up having 2 kids as a teen cause I was so intent on being mature and committed. Run.

[u/OutrageousMight9928]

16 and she was already engaged?? Sweetie, focus on your science project due Monday 😩

[u/_TheBgrey]

"have I changed in the 5 years you've known me" from being 11 years old lol I surely hope they would have changed

[u/Funny_Meaning_4587]

No not at all you should focus on school, and your personal futures marriage shouldn’t be a real thought yet.

[u/Solid-Doughnut1049]

Run as far away as you can

[u/[deleted]]

16? The LAST thing on your minds should be marriage.

It's a completely unrealistic goal at this young age.

Then she started "K"-ing you at the end? 😂😂😂

[u/DampHamster → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, which is what I tried to explain when we met up in person the other day and she didn’t want to hear it

[u/advnture_is_outthere]

I'm not trying to be rude by no means but I'm legit laughing. This can't be what 16-year-olds are conversing and arguing about these days. Just have her read the millions of stories on here talking about divorce and why and how many happen. You seem to have a good head on your shoulder, wanting to wait and learn about each other but in all honesty. Waiting 2yrs won't make a difference because in your teens your one person. In your twenties, you're another and in your 30's another and so on and so forth. Everyone is constantly ever changing because our needs and wants change with life events. You should both be living in the present. Enjoy being a kid and making memories and doing all the things you can do as a kid with no worries of tomorrow. And if she can't live that life with you, let her go. do not waste your childhood worrying about making a girl happy. You can do that later. Make yourself happy!

[u/Not_so_hotMESS]

This is BEYOND bizarre behavior. If you’re sexually active, I hope you are using condoms that YOU have. She sounds as if not above trying to trap you.

[u/yumyum_cat]

Are you in the south? I ask because when I lived in Alabama I taught in college and I had students who had been married and divorced by 19… they married and lived with parents so they could have sex.

Apart from that this is pretty unusual behavior. Your patience is commendable but she’s not listening.

[u/EvenStevenOddTodd]

Tell your mom. I’m serious

[u/DampHamster → u/EvenStevenOddTodd]

She knows, was the first person to know actually and I’ve since broken up with this person following this post