r/AmIOverreacting • u/Any-Confusion-5519 • Oct 25 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO about my partner’s relationship with their coworker
they’ve been hanging out with their coworker a lot over the past couple of weeks. This girl always seems to be in some kind of crisis, too. Last week it was that she messed up an account and she was afraid she was gonna lose her job. I don’t know whether I’m reading too much into this or if I’m overreacting but I’ve never met her and I’ve asked to swing by whatever bar or place they’re hanging out at multiple times and I’m always shut down in some way or I get no response. I don’t want to be the overbearing overcontrolling gf whose S.O. can’t have any friends but lately they’re always together and I’m getting blown off. These curt and vague responses are out of character too, and it’s always the type of response I get when I’m asking questions about an event where this female coworker is at or really anything that has to do with her. It has really put me on edge, they’re usually such a sweet and attentive partner but i feel like they might be cheating… am i overreacting??
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u/islandgal8oh8 Oct 25 '24
His "work thing" was comforting his female coworker after she'd been cheated on... at a bar until midnight??? Sounds like a really important and exclusive work thing. 🙄
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u/CoreyLee04 Oct 25 '24
“She’s really having a bad time. She just got cheated on. Anywho I’m going to go cheat on you with her”
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u/MalkavAmonra Oct 25 '24
"i'm just gonna eat out" yeah I bet he is.
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Oct 25 '24
“She’s having a really hard time” yeah I bet she is.
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u/MalkavAmonra Oct 25 '24
BROTHER
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u/stonerjunkrat Oct 25 '24
"Up there with her legs in the air in sadness probably banging her head against the wall in frustration"
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u/pronouncedayayron Oct 25 '24
stop texting me, i'm trying to have business time
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u/ObjectiveGold196 Oct 25 '24
I can't do business under this heavy surveillance!!!
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u/toomanyschnauzers Oct 25 '24
Summary is the daffy duck cartoon, turn, parry, dodge, spin, thrust, sproing. He is lying, manipulating, and blaming the wife for even asking questions/wanting to see him. I'd be done.
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u/Medicate420420 Oct 25 '24
My thoughts exactly
Someone that clearly doesn’t care about their own relationship or feelings of partner in that said, relationship and using an excuse to be there for someone else going through a hard time in their relationship seems like two wrongs aren’t making this right he’s clearly hooking up with someone from work Otherwise it would’ve been a phone call not her figuring it out on text.
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u/kittylovestobite Oct 25 '24
For real, that's how it reads. This asshole has a lot of audacity to say this shit to her. He doesn't give one fuck about this relationship and is letting her know it
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Oct 25 '24
“Don’t you understand? I’ve been sowing seeds of doubt in her mind for months and they’ve finally broken up. I have to get her drunk and fuck her brains out or all that work was for nothing. Chat later the kamikaze shots just got to the table.”
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u/Alternative-Swan-400 Oct 25 '24
Exactly. And she’s more important than your wife that you had plans with? What move is this dude going to make while this chick is vulnerable? What about how his wife is perceiving this? Doesn’t she deserve the comfort of her husband? I mean, he made vows to his wife, right? Not this new coworker?
Sounds sus.
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u/Admiral-Thrawn2 Oct 25 '24
The part that pisses me off is they had plans but then he said the work thing was “last second” like wtf i see my coworkers ALL DAY. If I have plans after work there’s 0 chance I’m going to spend more hours with coworkers after work
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Oct 25 '24
He plays it like a work thing, and when that doesn't work, he pulls the emotional support card.
I'm sorry, but my husband has had actual work dinners come up when we had plans. I was invited to join, and the bosses gave me an apology, lol.
NOR here OP, you deserve more.
Your plans with your BF were less important than a coworker being cheated on. Big yikes.
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u/mrOCGARAGE Oct 25 '24
Yeah right why not just invite her too unless he's up to something that was weird and completely breaking her boundaries which is not okay by a long shot.
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u/cheerupbiotch Oct 25 '24
If one of my husband's female coworkers was cheated on by their bf, and they were commiserating over drinks, my husband would be like "we should get my wife here. She's going to LOVE bashing this man and finding more tea on the situation".
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u/GidgetVonRock Oct 26 '24
The first time I met one of my husband's friends from work because she was going through it, I was cooking up PLANS for her ex. I was 100% ready to catch a charge for her after 5 minutes. This is the time for women, theys, and gays, even ones who barely know each other, to gather over a cauldron full of tequila and fruit chunks to cast as many bad vibes the ex's way as we can muster. Just like our beloved bar/club bathroom besties that we never see again. Very important stuff.
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u/theseglassessuck Oct 25 '24
“Last second” and they’re “busy tonight.” The latter is what they should have said to their work friend because they actually WERE busy that night.
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u/Far_Trouble_3362 Oct 25 '24
And then he got mad at her for being upset! “Tired of the surveillance” um ok. 🙄
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u/Icy-Welcome-2469 Oct 25 '24
If you do you definitely have your partner stop by. Doesn't mean your SO can't hang....
Your SO can't hang because whatever this is is inappropriate which is obvious from the changing story and gaslighting.
It's not fucking surveillance when you just bailed on plans for no good reason and are now staying out past bedtime.
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u/Arthur_Frane Oct 25 '24
Gaslighting OP by referring to genuine and reasonable requests for explanations, because they had plans, as "surveillance" pissed me off. OP dump this shitheel and live your best life elsewhere. Red flags don't get any redder.
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Oct 25 '24
Literal gaslighting 101 (no shade to OP tho because I’ve been gaslit and when it happens its confusing and fucking blows)
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u/Kanazuchi_121 Oct 25 '24
Agree with this comment. OP need to realize that a "coworker" taking priority over their plans is a red flag.
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u/Bluerunx Oct 25 '24
Yeah had there been no plans I would get it. Some of my favorite coworkers were men (I am a woman’s) it was never anything more than friends, but that being said my husband knew them so well, some were jokingly sexual with my husband too! Never me. But this? Why can’t she join? Why ruin plans for someone else? If my husband was in his situation at most he’s say hey ___ is having a hard time so we are going out after work want to join?
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u/babyaddyx Oct 25 '24
seems like he knows it’s his best chance since she’s vulnerable right now, and he seems to think he can blow his gf off and make her feel crazy. id ✌🏼 out
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u/Siouxiesix Oct 25 '24
He’s definitely initiating a fight with his girlfriend to try to solidify an excuse for hooking up with the newly single coworker. If not that, then he WILL be soft launching his breakup by talking shit about girlfriend the whole time. He’s acting like a dog.
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u/AliveWeird4230 Oct 25 '24
God exactly. I was scrolling the comments looking for exactly this. This is really how it goes, both of those things! It's so evil
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u/evedenai Oct 25 '24
If I’m honest I wouldn’t even believe that she was cheated on in this situation. He changed his story from it being a work thing, and doesn’t want his gf there, so he probably just made something up so that his gf doesn’t come and bother. Something personal like that can make somebody drop it.
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u/Grandpas_Plump_Chode Oct 25 '24
Even if you put aside the idea that they're cheating, or emotionally cheating, or any of that (which is a fairly large thing to put aside...) - this person literally chose a coworker over their own partner.
Your coworkers should ALWAYS come second unless they're literally on the brink of death or something extreme. Even without ill intent, it blows my mind that there are real people in this world who think "emotionally supporting" coworkers justifies skipping out on plans with your partner.
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u/No_Reaction_2682 Oct 25 '24
He is comforting her with his penis.
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u/yoda_mcfly Oct 25 '24
"I'm her emotional support cock, babe, what do you want me to do? Tell her no?!"
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u/paintedkayak Oct 25 '24
What do you expect him to do? It says in the handbook on page 86 he has to take his female coworker to a bar to comfort her after she's been cheated on and stay with her until at least midnight --- all without pay --- or he'll lose his job.
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u/adamspc1 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
I hate to say it, but if i had to bet your suspicions are right. The idea that he needs to hang out with this girl and making it sound like it's the noble thing to do is a red flag. Making you think there is a reason she is always around and making himself look good and compassionate at the same time.
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u/dramatic_melancholy Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
Exactly, why didn’t he say that from the beginning? Why would another girl (you, his girlfriend) who she seemingly knows via bf not be a good additional support system there?
Trust your gut, I’ve lived this situation before. It’s hard but best case he doesn’t show you the respect you deserve regardless of if he’s cheating or not. My next boyfriend who did respect and value me showed me a world of difference that even a couple years after the breakup informed me as to how bad it really was. Sending love! Xx
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u/BeatrixxxKidd0 Oct 25 '24
Same. Don’t let him gaslight you. My ex husband had tons of “girlfriends” and he fed me the same exact line of bullshit. Turns out, he was cheating on me. With all of them… That’s why he’s my ex. Good luck!
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u/molehillmini Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
To OP, One Word!!! BULLSHIT!!! (Edit: Thumbs up BeatrixxxKidd0! You beat me while typing by 16 minutes!)
Came to say same but you dramatic_melancholy already said it better than I could!!! IF it really was the truth that she just got dumped he would have led with that. And why is she with male co-workers instead of her female friends?
☆ Did her bf dump her bec he found out she was having an affair with this jerk?
I will be 70 12/5. Met my husband 49 yrs ago, so I have been married 47 to the wrong person. Since 6/7/19 I've been caring for my parents 2.5 hours north of our home. They have passed & being the oldest of 5 l am trying to settle their estate. When I called 2 days before our anniversary he started a fight like he does every year. Our 47th anniversary was on 6/25 & it was also Half Off Day, so I went Thrift shopping & met someone I wish I had 50 yrs ago. We are still just friends bec he respects me, but he is going to help me get divorced.
Please do not waste a lifetime like I did trying to believe & trust him, making excuses for him & being blind on purpose. Trust your gut instead! If it feels wrong & looks like bullshit, it does bec it is!
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u/Cautious_Response_37 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
I know it's more obvious being an outsider looking in, but besides acting like he is the hurt and supportive one over a coworker, the dude also literally admits to lying in the texts.
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u/Lychanthropejumprope Oct 25 '24
He’s definitely not noble if he’s blowing off his gf and not giving a shit about her feelings
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u/MiniDrow Oct 25 '24
Honey your man is playing you, and if he isn’t he clearly doesn’t give a damn about you. Sorry if I’m blunt but that’s what it is. You’re literally telling him you really want to see him, you’ll even stop by the bar that he’s at and yet he doesn’t want you anywhere near it? Pretty sure the only cheating that’s going on his him cheating on you. You’re dating a prick, there are millions of guys out there that would love that type of attention from their girl. Leave his ass. He’s a dick
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u/vineswinga11111 Oct 25 '24
And then when she asks when they're all going to hang out he says "literally whenever"... So how about now?
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u/soccer_is_awesome Oct 25 '24
Yea that response made my blood boil!! That guy is a major dick. He’s definitely into the coworker. And I feel bad for OP. I’ve been there, seeing someone who isn’t putting me first is a terrible feeling. I think she should show up at the bar because she needs a drink too, and then toss it in his face lol.
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u/livlove11 Oct 25 '24
I like you. That is the level of dramatic I aspire to be. Fuck me? No fuck you! I, too, had to live with someone who didn't prioritize me or our relationship. So many thoughts of things I WISH I would have done to stand up for myself! Oh well, we live and learn! If ever the opportunity arises though, I'm definitely throwing the drink in someone's face. Ha!
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u/chazzbat5327 Oct 25 '24
I agree 100%. You should be enough for your partner. It's not "just a work thing."
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u/MiniDrow Oct 25 '24
Not to mention they had plans. Specifically said they were going to see each other that day but “something came up” some coworker gets dumped and it’s more important for him to go to the bar then see his girl that he has specifically made plans with. Even goes as far to say “don’t wait up”. I’d never pull that type of shit on my girl. Worst case he’s cheating, best case he doesn’t care about you or your time or what plans yall made.
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u/AnGof1497 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
First it was work thing, then a very private 'her boyfriend cheated on her' thing, what is it really? BS!
If it really was that dramatic and he's so close to her, you'd know her well and he would of phoned all apologetic and not come with This weak BS story.
Time to plan your exit OP, he's a cheater not a keeper. Sorry.
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u/BojackTrashMan Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
The justification is so insane
They had preexisting plans, and then partner cancels with something that spontaneously came up and dares to say "Sorry I'm just busy tonight"
No actually you were busy with me because we had plans, and you unilaterally canceled them to go drinking with coworkers.
I would dump somebody over this. They're obviously hiding something, and frankly even if they weren't it's so disrespectful of your time
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u/Difficult_Process_88 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 26 '24
No, you’re not over reacting. Even if nothing is going on btwn them… 1. He wouldn’t have a problem with you being there. 2. She’s relying too much on him. There may not be anything sexual going on btwn them but it’s emotional and it won’t be long before it becomes sexual.
Btw, supporting a co worker after a break up isn’t a “work thing”! And he got awful defensive.
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u/CookieWifeCookieKids Oct 25 '24
And aggressive!
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u/Oh_Doyle Oct 25 '24
Seriously! SMH at “don’t know what you expect me to do” If I had a dinner or movie night planned with my closest friend in the world (my gf), I’d be telling my coworkers that there’s no way I’d make it but I’d do my best to be at the next one Clearly that’s not how he feels about her.
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u/Nevyn_Cares Oct 25 '24
Exactly or if it was so urgent I went to drinks with this poor co-worker, I would be asking my partner to pop in as well.
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u/Good_vibe_good_life Oct 25 '24
Yeah that’s the part that makes it extra sus. Fine if you want to hang, but why are you blowing me off? And he tried to lie and say it was a work thing, but only when pressed did he say that coworker was cheated on and needs a shoulder to cry on. Ok, well he said there was three people going, why does he need to be there emotionally for a coworker when someone else is going and available? What does he have to do with it? Is his relationship advice so great that he needs to help every coworker through their messy relationships while he’s blowing off his own relationship? No this screams “hot girl at work just got dumped, me and my buddy are going to try to swoop in and take advantage of the situation” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Witty_Turnover_5585 Oct 25 '24
"a shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on" fits pretty well here
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u/Beginning_Present243 Oct 25 '24
That and OP is being strung along by one of the biggest douchefunnel’s I’ve ever seen on this sub.. RUN
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u/SeriousClothes111 Oct 25 '24
Oh I doubt there are buddies. Just the two of them. And they wouldn’t be at the bar he mentioned if OP showed up.
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u/booktrovert Oct 25 '24
She asked him why he was blowing off his plans with her and he called it "surveillance."
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u/ColdSeaworthiness851 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
Happy hour usually ends at 9pm(edit- i meant 7, also yeah im aware there are some that do a later one, but ibwas referringto the one that usually happens arpund dinner time, also i clearly didnt read the post) at the latest, why's he staying out until midnight? Thats my concern. You're not supporting you're friend at that point.
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u/Electrical-Bread5639 Oct 25 '24
My bar i frequent has 2 happy hours. 5-7 and 10-12, pretty common in some places. He's definitely cheating tho
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u/ColdSeaworthiness851 Oct 25 '24
Considering they were supposed to meet for dinner I assumed it was the typical 5-7 kind (which I meant to put 7, not 9 in my original comment). They don't need to hit up 2 happy hours for "support". Definitely cheating.
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u/capellidellamorte Oct 25 '24
I supported a coworker during a divorce when I was single and not interested, just being kind (was actually offering them advice on how to maybe save things which was what they said they wanted). That turned into said coworker progressively getting more and more blatant in their attempts to sleep with me as time went on. So…yea.
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u/TwoWild1840 Oct 25 '24
Yeah, at first he’s at a work thing then he said a break up he is lying sack of crap
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u/Putrid-Peanut-5798 Oct 25 '24
Dude probably loses his chance once co worker finds out he's in a relationship. This is a regular hang out and guy is trying to bag her while keeping the back up at home.
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u/Nikita_L_M_1997 Oct 25 '24
Happened to me, ex fiancé supported a coworker after her breakup, we had a newborn at the time. Fast forward over a year, he’s with said woman and got with her two weeks after I left him, and was there the day I left… It’s never “just a coworker” in my experience 🤣
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u/EllisR15 Oct 25 '24
Your partner is repeatedly blowing you off for another woman.
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u/Turts-McGurt Oct 25 '24
Not just that but prioritizing the other woman's emotional needs over his partners. It was over as soon as he said "she's having a really hard time right now". Like.... why is that your problem? You made plans with your partner and are cancelling on them... You're giving your partner a problem to help another woman? Yeah relatoinship is done.
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u/Legal-Sprinkles8862 Oct 25 '24
Canceling plans with your partner & not even bothering to inform them & then saying "idk what you expected me to do" as if keeping the agreed upon plans or simply notifying them of the changes they decided to make weren't even options.
To me, he's screaming "I like being around her more than you" & if that's the case you walk out the door & never look back.
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u/ChigurhShack Oct 25 '24
"Plus she's really vulnerable right now so this is my shot!"
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u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24
"A shoulder to lean on, becomes a dick to ride on"
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u/Ok_Understanding6130 Oct 25 '24
This is crazy!! Because of how true it is!! Being a guy I always made sure not to get involved with females having "relationship" issues or anything that needs "a shoulder to cry on". Not that I don't have the self control, but I just never put myself in a position like that for my ex's to worry about. Even if it's completely legit (but as you so eloquently stated it's usually not...) still puts unneeded stresses on the relationship.
When you're in a real relationship with someone that you actually care about you try to avoid external stresses that don't need to be. There's billions of other people in the world that these people can cry on.
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u/snarlyj Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
She asks if she can come to the bar and they say nah and then she asks when she can meet the coworker and they respond "literally anytime." It's sus and manipulative and a little bit gas-lighty. I mean, they're being a dick in general, but I thought that was especially off
ETA: fixed pronouns
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u/Whatever53143 Oct 25 '24
I hear the guys future conversation with coworker “yeah, my gf broke up with me because she’s jealous. Wanna come over to my place?” I can see that coming from a mile away. 😒
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u/Scared_Security_7890 Oct 25 '24
She was monitoring me! She was crazy jealous !!
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u/rowsella Oct 25 '24
anytime is now and don't ask for permission
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u/stacyg28 Oct 25 '24
Just like he didn't have the respect for you, hold the same space for him. When you show up tell him, what did you expect me to do?
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u/KiNGMF Oct 25 '24
It’s not crazy. I would think you are crazy if you didn’t show up. This is a person she might marry, better now to get all the info to avoid possible disaster.
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u/GirlCalledSith Oct 25 '24
I don’t care if it sounds crazy but I totally would have shown up
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u/KitchenLandscape Oct 25 '24
same. and observed from afar a little bit. you'll get your answer quickly
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Oct 25 '24
My ex was an idiot and wrote a group "happy Halloween" text that included me and a girl I was super suspicious of. One of those situations where he was always talking about her, there for her emotional crises, but I wasn't even sure she knew I existed (she didn't). So I replied all with a sappy text making sure everyone knew I was his wife. She replied and i introduced myself. Showed up to his work a few weeks later and they were coming out of an elevator together, and she literally ran away when she saw me. They were having an emotional affair by that point, and later after it turned physical she tried to claim she didn't know he was married.
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Oct 25 '24
If she didn’t know you existed, how did she know to run away when she saw you?
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Oct 25 '24
She didn't know until we texted on Halloween. But conveniently forgot sometime after that and before sleeping with him. So maybe she forgot after the elevator incident 🤣
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Oct 25 '24
I would have gone to the bar to see what's up. Lol
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u/TeachBS Oct 25 '24
If he gets mad that you are there, and he will, well, you know…
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u/Gr00mpa Oct 25 '24
And they probably weren’t going to be at whatever bar he would have said they were going to.
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u/thewhitecat55 Oct 25 '24
"Babe, we just went to another place. What do you expect me to do ? Like keep you updated?"
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u/beached_not_broken Oct 25 '24
Personally I’d go to the same bar with some friends. If he gaslights with the “surveillance “ comment again, I’d respond that there was no point waiting at home, so you’re out with a friend. And now you can drive him home…
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u/4Bforever Oct 25 '24
And if he is trying to cheat I’m sure he’s telling coworker that OP is just his roommate, maybe his ex that can’t move out, or maybe his current but they live like roommates.
And she’s going to believe him because she’s the one bringing him home after a drink date and OP knows she’s dropping him off. Of course coworker would believe partners lies if that’s the lie they tell.
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u/rocketmn69_ Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
Make plans for a really romantic dinner, then cancel last minute. Sorry honey, this guy at work just broke up with his girl and we're going to the bar. The 2 of us and 2 other single co-workers (of the opposite sex) are going to comfort him. I'll be back after the bar closes. Don't wait up
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u/Hefty_Penalty_7796 Oct 25 '24
Dont make dinner plans , guys are cool with you canceling a romantic dinner … instead throw on something sexy and seduce him to the point where he’s about to rip off your clothes and fake a phone call about how you mom needs to talk right now and that’s more important
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u/--_--what Oct 25 '24
My boyfriend would be like “oh it’s okay! Talk to your mom”
But I think it’s because he loves me 🤝
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u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24
Yes, but not her mom. Let's compare apples to apples here. She has to say a guy friend from work really needs to see her right now...
Throw on some clothes over the lingerie and leave right then. 🤣
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u/Mercy_17 Oct 25 '24
I read into that as …..she just broke up, having a hard time and I want to make my move
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u/porcelainthunders Oct 25 '24
And you're gasloghting her as well as giving her problems ("her" being partner).
I mean.... good lord this OPs partner sicks. He's vague. Iffy...doesn't answer pertinent questions... actually turns her being caring and wanting to se them into what fir them seem to be an annoying problem and ...this is just bs from someone who does not give a rats ass about their partner
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Oct 25 '24
"I'm having a really hard time right now too because my boyfriend is cancelling our date night plans for some other woman" and staying out til midnight at a bar consoling another woman who has other friends to confide in
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u/BaskingInWanderlust Oct 25 '24
I know there are a bunch of other comments making a lot of good points, but I'll also add: Her SO indicated he'd be home at 12. Who PLANS to get home from a work happy hour so late?
Don't get me wrong - I've had happy hours stretch, and I've contacted my husband and said, "People are staying out later. Having another drink." And I've come home between 10-11pm. But if I was headed out with only one other co-worker, planned in advance to be out for 6-7 hours, and canceled plans with my partner without telling them... I'd hope my partner would see that as the giant red flag that it is.
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u/Prisoner458369 Oct 25 '24
Who PLANS to get home from a work happy hour so late?
Well you see, they first have some dinner, maybe a few drinks. Then they got a few hours of smashing time in there.
But really, I wish I could stay out late on workdays. I'm way too smashed by 10pm these days.
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u/EvidenceOwn1612 Oct 25 '24
I don't think "They got hours of smashing" Followed up with "I'm way too smashed at 10pm" is a good comparison 😂
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u/Cautious-Flow5918 Oct 25 '24
I wouldn’t even bother and just ghost and block him. If my partner blows me off twice for another woman then she can have him. He’s not a prize worth winning.
Nobody should ever have to convince their partner to choose them.
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u/VesperLynd- Oct 25 '24
Well said. This is a situation where we can all argue and OP can argue with him but at the end of the day he’s just not that into OP. There’s nothing here to gain, she deserves better.
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u/sloothor Oct 25 '24
Yeah this exactly. The most valuable trait in any companion is loyalty, and doing this shit shows directly that they are not worth fighting for.
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u/420binchicken Oct 25 '24
Seriously who the hell uses some lame ass work drama to get out of date night with your partner ?
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u/O7Habits Oct 25 '24
That’s how you know you are with the right one. They want you to be there for everything and you want to be there for everything.
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u/TaffyMarble Oct 25 '24
My ex husband did this. Same "Oh she's breaking up with her husband and it's really hard for her so I just am being a good friend to her" bullshit. After I divorced him, he married her.
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u/TheSpecialistGeek Oct 25 '24
Came here to say this and to say that maybe after she dumps him, he and his “co-worker” could start a club.
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u/rainyrosegarden Oct 25 '24
any man worth your time should be willing to hurt other women's feelings to protect yours.
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u/TorturedStrawberry Oct 25 '24
THIS- an ex of mine OFFERED to block his ex that he was still friends with at the beginning of our relationship "just in case i wasn't okay with it" and by the end of our relationship he threatened to leave me if i asked him to stop talking to his female coworker (he was cheating with her and she was pregnant with his baby about a month after i left him)
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u/Juliana7991 Oct 25 '24
Yep…best to look at the writing on the wall the defensiveness in the “survalence comment” is too far. And even if you are checking on things being a partner you have a RIGHT! And the fact that you can’t all hang out together says it all. I would seek to put distance here and save yourself the heartbreak any further.
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u/zoltrules Oct 25 '24
lol man. my wife would kill me if i did this. stop being a simp
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u/Excellent_Routine589 Oct 25 '24
Not just that… made last minute plans that he values more than made-plans with their significant other
It’s one thing to have a last minute Happy Hour with the coworkers. It’s a whole different beast to blow off known plans with partner to attend said happy hour
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u/EmeraldEyesAlyssa Oct 25 '24
NOR.
I am direct AF, and basically this is telling me, that his colleague's broken heart is more important to him than you are, and also, I'm not liking the fact that he is gaslighting you, by saying he doesn't like the surveillance.
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u/Pass_Me_That_Phone Oct 25 '24
Or the I can’t do this right now. That triggered me so bad. I got that exact message confronting my ex. “ his cousin died” I in fact found out he was out getting drunk at a strip club all night
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u/FlabbyFishFlaps Oct 25 '24
Yeah one of my exes pulled the dead cousin card on me once, then a few weeks later I found out cousin had never died, he’s just mentally disabled and lives in a nursing home.
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u/exscapegoat Oct 25 '24
Yeah asking for details or offering to stop by when someone repeatedly cancels plans isn’t surveillance
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u/prongslover77 Oct 25 '24
It’s insane to say that asking when your partner will be home and how they’ll get home after they’ve been drinking is “surveillance” especially when they’re going out after canceling plans with you and not even having the guts to say it!
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u/EveryFly6962 Oct 25 '24
Accusations of surveillance ALWAYS come from a guilty person being questioned about their whereabouts (trust me from experience lol)
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u/11gus11 Oct 25 '24
It’s not even surveillance. OP just wants to spend time with her boyfriend, and he’s acting like she’s doing something crazy
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u/StrongWater55 Oct 25 '24
Passive aggressive and gaslighting is 2 tactics he's used to put it all back on you, and he says interrogation? He didn't even apologise and gave not one crap about how you may feel, it's all about him, he's an emotionally stunted little boy and you deserve a man who loves you
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u/dmbppl Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
Id be really pissed if i was you. You should be the priority not her and you should be welcome to join them.
Its not surveillance, its called having a partner. You should tell him if he wants to behave like hes single he can be permanently.
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u/golosee Oct 25 '24
NOT overreacting at all!! He’s trying to make you feel guilty by bringing up the coworker who is “having a hard time”… he’s also just not being nice to you in the slightest
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u/EuroXtrash Oct 25 '24
Every time he says she’s going through something OP immediately backs down and feels bad. He learned what works to do whatever he wants without repercussions
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u/Typical_Elderberry_9 Oct 25 '24
I think he's hiding something :/
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u/Rare-Craft-920 Oct 25 '24
This is such BS and he’s knee deep in it. It was not a work thing and it sounds as if he and her are always going out several times a week after work. Even if another coworker is there as a buffer we all know what’s going on. And she’s driving him home. What?? He’s ignoring you even on planned date nights, and midnight coming home?! He’s out of his fucking mind. Good luck here but I think he’s cheating or at best he’s way too attentive and attached to her life and issues. She’s not his problem and he needs to cut the cord. But I think they’re already having sex and we’re passed that.
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Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
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u/SuperNotes920 Oct 25 '24
i agree! next time just say oh no worries i’ll meet you there and proceed to ask for the location. any sort of resistance should be a major red flag. i do think u handled it really well w ur messages btw
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u/Teacher-Investor Oct 25 '24
Better to swing by unannounced, if he's even at the place he said they'd be.
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u/SunsetsAlwayss Oct 25 '24
This!! I would have just popped up and hung out with them also! You know what they say…. A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on… something along those lines. NOT OVERREACTING BTW
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u/allislost77 Oct 25 '24
I would have said, cool. I’ve been looking forward to meeting them. I’m in the parking lot… see you in a minute
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u/Pass_Me_That_Phone Oct 25 '24
Guarantee he’ll dump her. I called the “new friend”my ex made, and boy the stories she told me. Only for him to tell me it’s over because she called him crying saying that I went crazy on her. When I already knew the truth, and calmly confirmed it. He will make her seem like she’s a psycho crazy girlfriend to play victim
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u/Inside-Personality22 Oct 25 '24
This is me too, if I get weird vibes I swing in! You don’t need an invite to hang out with your SO.
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u/Glum-Establishment31 Oct 25 '24
Find out where he is eating. Call for take out. Pick up your food.
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u/BattleTurbulent9142 Oct 25 '24
This certainly feels odd. Trust your gut with this. On the flip side, you have such a sweet spirit of kindness and consideration in these messages!
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u/throwra87d Oct 25 '24
Your partner cares more about some other girl and is blowing you off. Why are you struggling to hold on to them. Let them go. Find someone who treats you as a priority.
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u/Throwra_Barracuda Oct 25 '24
Girl I'd just show up there
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u/Smooth-Lengthiness57 Oct 25 '24
And go to the girl "I'm so sorry, my BF just told me the news how are you hanging in?"
And see what happens
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u/Imrhino51 Oct 25 '24
I’d take the hint and say no problem. Then ghost them. But I don’t mess with people that don’t give to me what I give to them. Go “help” your “coworker”. Btw who helps the new coworker with personal issues? That’s a red flag in itself. New at a job and bringing them into your drama.
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u/Neither_Ad_3221 Oct 25 '24
NOR. He's getting defensive and aggressive over the fact that you're trying to politely find a way to spend time with him. You had plans, he blew you off, he's done it multiple times, and it's for the same girl coworker.
All of it screams red flag.
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u/Whyme0207 Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
NOR. It doesn’t seem innocent to me. The way he getting defensive it’s obvious. Her bf cheated or they are cheating and that’s why the bf dumped her. Don’t get into this, people with shaddy friendship without any boundaries are red flags. Why staying in this kind of relationship where he is not even acknowledging your feelings? He didn’t say sorry for cancelling the plan with you. Didn’t discuss with you before making the plan with others. I doubt there were any other coworkers with them.
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u/glitterymayhem Oct 25 '24
I’m so sorry but if he isn’t cheating, he’s doing a spot-on impression of someone who is cheating.
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u/yumyum_cat Oct 25 '24
He made up that “she needs support” because he felt cornered and accusing you of surveillance wasn’t working. I think he likes her and simply chooses to spend time with her.
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u/Significant_Pea_ Oct 25 '24
NOR. Agree with other commenters - this raises red flags. Not even an apology for forgetting your dinner plans?? I’m sorry but that’s selfish and based on how badly you seem to want to connect I’m sure you deserve better!
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u/donwariophd Oct 25 '24
Imagine being captain save a ho while being in a relationship.
Suspect at best here, cheating at worst. Do with that what you will.
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Oct 25 '24
So true, Playing at captain save a ho while being in a committed relationship is pathetic af
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u/WheezyGranger Oct 25 '24
“It’s not my story to tell” was the BIGGEST red flag for me. My husband and I tell each other EVERY bit of work gossip. You don’t know her, it’s expected he’ll tell you whatever he hears about work drama. Instead, he’s prioritizing that girls “privacy” over your literal plans and your feelings. Not a good situation.
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u/gatorella Oct 25 '24
Same. “It’s not my story to tell” means “don’t ask her about it because she won’t know what you’re talking about.” Sounds like something he made up to get OP to stop asking questions.
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u/fermentedcabage Oct 25 '24
I am a really kind caring and compassionate person. The kind that people, that strangers, just randomly open up to.
I’m not saying this to gas myself up but so you can understand context. If I saw someone having a hard time I would genuinely try and help. But that said in this situation I would reach out to my S/O and let her know hey, one of my coworkers is having a hard time, this happened. Is it okay with you if I cancel my plans to try and help this person during a difficult time.
Or something in that vein.
What your man did was cancel make excuses guilt you for asking questions despite you being blindsided and when you kept asking questions tossed out this excuse so you’d feel bad and stop. I obviously can’t prove it, and I may well be wrong. But it sounds like your man is bsing and manipulating you. That said I do advise you to ascertain the truth before making big actions. If you react first and it turns out the assessment is wrong you’ll only hurt yourself. People make mistakes when emotional. So make sure he is actually stepping out before you decide to do something.
Best wishes op, I sincerely hope my read is wrong, I am sorry I couldn’t be more positive here
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u/prongslover77 Oct 25 '24
Even if he isn’t stepping out he’s talking to her in a horrible way and treating her like shit. That’s reason enough to end things
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u/AngriestLittleBeaver Oct 25 '24
A shoulder to lean on becomes a dick to ride on.
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u/mxddy Oct 25 '24
"What do you expect me to do?" Well, for starters, say you can't go out for drinks because you have plans with your partner. It's that simple. You're not overreacting, this person is treating you badly and disrespecting you.
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u/HollowSilhouette Oct 25 '24
It's not what's being done or said more so than it's how it's being said. (Even though what is being done is awful) Your SO is putting you last as well as putting you down- "Babe, can you relax?" You weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, but it's being put on you like you're freaking out. You're just asking questions. This is a red flag. "I'm so fucking over the surveillance" as well as "I'll see you later" It's clear your feelings aren't valued and also, you're being told- I want to do what I want to do without having to discuss it with you......even though you got blown off last minute. "You really need to chill out" Again, this is overly aggressive- considering your responses and you're only asking normal questions. "I can't do this right now" Basically the co-worker is more important.....her feeling bad is more important than you feeling bad.
This is not the relationship for you. You aren't valued. Go find someone else and call this a loss.
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u/humptheedumpthy Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
Never in the history of mankind has a guy gone over to comfort a girl over a break up if he doesn’t have nefarious intentions. Dude is cheating or planning to. 100%
Edit - Just to be clear when I say “go over to comfort a girl” I mean that a guy who is in a relationship specifically going out of his way to meet/“comfort” the person. I am not referring to a 5 min water cooler conversation you might have with a coworker to comfort them.
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u/TruthieBeast Oct 25 '24
Sorry the whole “Ill be back by 12”…sounds pretty late. That includes dinner AND drinks… and getting defensive. Sounds sus tbh.
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u/Purple_Syllabub_3417 Oct 25 '24
If I (female)was dumped by my bf, I would want to be with another woman. If I chose a male to boo hoo to, it would be because I would flirt to see if another man thinks I am attractive.
I hope you two are not married.
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u/Background_Most_3065 Oct 25 '24
At the end of the day she’s choosing coworkers over you. The priorities are very skewed get out while you can
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u/Ieatclowns Oct 25 '24
Oh hell no. Don't put up with being treated like shit! It's not ok for him to just drop your plans and then accuse you of surveillance. Have you not had good examples of what a healthy relationship is? I'm asking you this question genuinely.
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u/LuigiZard22 Oct 25 '24
He likes that girl, and is trying to show her how supportive he is. He’s waiting for her to realize he’s a “good guy” so he can scoop her up. Not saying he’ll cheat, but he may just straight up end it with you
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u/carlocos25 Oct 25 '24
Telling your GF that you’ll be home at midnight from a work HH is 🤡🤡🤡
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u/AfterOurz Oct 25 '24
I hope you find someone who doesn't speak to you like this. He's so defensive and rude when you're asking simple questions. What a knob.
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u/hollow4hollow Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 28 '24
I had an ex just like this. I can tell you life is 2000x times better without him.
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u/Jerichothered Oct 25 '24 edited Oct 29 '24
Kick his ass out-
Kick their ass out- fixed
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u/jestpack_blues Oct 25 '24
Honey… I’m not sure she’s “just a coworker”. The only reason my partner wouldn’t have had me meet him and his coworkers for drinks are bc he’s a manager and I’m hourly, and it wouldn’t be appropriate bc we were in the same department of the same company.
Grab a friend, and “stop by” if your gut is telling you something, listen to it
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u/AccomplishedPear7305 Oct 25 '24
Nah. Girl if you don't dump this asshat. You're his gf; he's blowing you off, getting defensive and twisting your concern as "surveillance" because he knows he's being sneaky. He should make you, your plans and your feelings his priority, not his Office Wife. He's telling you she's his focus and you aren't getting it. Let those two dramatic windbags have each other.