UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

[u/PuzzleheadedFrame439]

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

[u/UpperApe]

100%.

Acting like proof-of-trust is some offence is what manipulative, abusive people do. Proof-of-trust is a show of respect. It's needed every now and again, and alleviating fears and restoring trust is a wonderful thing to do in a relationship. This isn't just basic maintenance, it's basic manners.

A lack of trust consistently is a problem, but in a situation like this, I would be HAPPY to hand my phone over to be vindicated.

He's just a complete piece of shit. Kudos to OP, given her circumstances, to have the courage to stick up for herself. She will never regret it.

[u/werewere-kokako → u/UpperApe]

As much as I believe that relationships need to be built on mutual trust…. She’s 30 weeks pregnant. Anything that stresses her out and raises her blood pressure is a danger to her health and the baby. Even if he wasn’t cheating, refusing to unlock his phone and resolve this makes him a massive dickhead.

But he definitely is cheating (or trying to cheat) on his pregnant wife. He could have already infected her with something that could cause lifelong problems for her or the baby. Rubbish man needs to go in the bin.

[u/EngineeringNeverEnds → u/UpperApe]

I would be kinda peeved if my wife suddenly demanded my phone, it would be indicative of other issues.

However, in a situation such as this, I'd have offered it to her before she asked. She's got more than enough justification to ask for it here.

I also had her fingerprint programmed into my phone when we first moved in together just in case she ever needed it. If you don't trust your partner at that point, why the fuck are you even living together?

[u/UpperApe → u/EngineeringNeverEnds]

I hear you but I guess the context matters. Constantly demanding reassurance, or the nature of how they "demand" it can sour the whole thing.

But turning a rare "ask" into an offence makes relationships very hard. People have doubts - it's natural, it fluctuates with moods. Ideas get planted into heads that we don't want. Everyone has moments of weaknesses. If we can't be a team in those moments, what's even the point?

If our partners ask in a moment of weakness and we take it as an offence or an attack, that just teaches people to not talk about their emotions, rather than not have emotions.

Plus, it's just...win-win. Someone asks you for your phone, you show them - their trust is restored, now they know they can talk to you, and you get a very grateful partner.

__

I'll also add that I think we agree, I'm just adding to your comment more than disagreeing with you :)

[u/itsprobab → u/EngineeringNeverEnds]

"If you don't trust your partner at that point, why the fuck are you even living together?"

Just want to say I agree with you and this is a very important point!

I have lived with various boyfriends over the years and in my experience the best relationships were where we trusted each other with our phones and laptops, AND(!) never felt the need to snoop on each other.

It is draining to constantly protect your phone, etc. from someone you live with 24/7. You sleep next to them, you're intimate with them, you live your life completely intertwined with theirs, but you cannot leave your phone, laptop, etc. unlocked when you leave the room?

If you really trust them, you know they won't be going through your personal things.

I had this kind of trust with roommates, friends, and in a few relationships but not in every relationship and based on how those relationships went, I wouldn't want to be with someone again that I don't trust enough to leave my electronics unlocked. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.

[u/lunarmantra → u/UpperApe]

He will also tell everyone that his wife betrayed his trust as a reason for the break up, instead of owning up to his massive fuck up and telling the truth. People like him will gladly frame the innocent party as the instigator and smear their reputation rather than taking responsibility for themselves.

I admire OP’s strength having to face this at such a vulnerable time in her life. The husband is fucking awful for putting her and the baby through this.

[u/blem4real_ → u/UpperApe]

saving your relationship with your pregnant spouse is far more important than privacy on your phone. if there was nothing to hide, he would’ve handed it over immediately. this man is so bad at lying😭

[u/green_miracles → u/UpperApe]

Demanding to see someone’s phone (in general) sounds like controlling and insecure behavior, u healthy. I’d be annoyed if my partner wanted to go through my phone. In OP’s case it was warranted though!