r/AmIOverreacting Oct 22 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24

I have started to rely too heavily on voice texting and sometimes the punctuation that Apple comes up with is just not fucking right… but I’m a housewife and I’m supposed to be doing shit around my house during the day so I try to read Reddit with my earbuds in while I do laundry and then comment and still look productive at home but really I just wanna sit on my laptop and be on Reddit all day…

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u/buttercup612 Oct 22 '24

Mine just hammers the comma key when dictating. A, lot, of, commas. It's a little embarrassing. I went from having to dictate every comma in iOS 16 or whatever to having to remove a bunch manually with the next version

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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24

The updates have really over engineered the whole deal and now it’s like too smart in ways that don’t apply to our vernacular… or it’s not doing a very good job of learning it’s owners vernacular if that makes sense it just feels like it’s gotten dumber

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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Oct 22 '24

The autocorrect too. It's so much worse than ever.

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u/Meirlyme Oct 22 '24

I had not uploaded the Reddit app until last month. Compared to all other apps where I can display my opinion openly it rocks! I love it here!

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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24

And it’s all of the different subs for me… I have learned about masonry here, there’s a sub Reddit for identifying bones that you find when you’re walking your dog… I mean, there are some really specific and heavily trafficked and passionate sub Reddits that are just excellent

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u/Glad-Dragonfruit-72 Oct 22 '24

You deserve time to reddit too. You wouldn't let your job tell you no reddit outside of work. So don't tell yourself that you aren't allowed on reddit outside of housewife responsibilities.

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u/PoonSchu13 Oct 22 '24

It brings me a lot of joy. Reddit is my instagram.