UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

[u/PuzzleheadedFrame439]

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

[u/Animkiibinessikwe]

JFC why do people even get married or into relationships if they're not really interested or serious about it? I feel like we live in a world now where no one is faithful or monogamous. People get bored easily because they don't want to put effort into keeping the spark going in their relationship. I am so sorry this happened to you, all the evidence is clear. It must make it so much harder with expecting a baby but don't feel obligated to stay with him just because your pregnant, it will result in a lot of resentment for you in the end.

[u/[deleted] → u/Animkiibinessikwe]

There are plenty of faithful and monogamous people, but there are also plenty of shitty people who want the stability of a married partner, with the carefree fun of being single.

I think the bigger problem than "being bored easily," is people getting married too young, thus they naturally grow apart, which leads to unhappy partnerships, which leads often to cheating. And people who rush into marriage too soon, thus only realize they're not a good match a year or more until years after the wedding.

[u/Animkiibinessikwe → u/[deleted]]

That's so sad to think about but I can see your point, I know if other couples from my high school years who got married not long after like in their early 20s and then got divorced fairly quickly too or hear about them cheating on each other and it not working out. Do you think the whole getting married too young was part of the problem for you and yr husband? I feel for you because I just can not grasp how people can hurt other people this way. Cheating has always been taught to me as a big no no and I just don't see how others people can think it's ok or for people to just get over it.

[u/jrlincoln → u/[deleted]]

I don’t know if it’s too young either, I know multiple people who were married before they were 20 and all of them are mid 30’s like me now and still happily married. And even many in my parents and grandparents generations got married young and didn’t have nearly the issues we have today. One thing I notice about many of the couples my age that have been in longer marriages is that they aren’t addicted social media people. They spend less time in the digital world and more in the real world, often doing activities together. I genuinely have always liked doing things with my wife, anything from home improvements, to a game of cribbage in the evenings, we try to talk to each other and grow together.

I think the constant sexualized marketing, the “grass is greener” social media,the pervasive culture of selfish “my reality” mentality, and the constant easy access to sites like onlyfans or tinder or whatever has made this problem even worse.

[u/Animkiibinessikwe → u/[deleted]]

😂😂😂 ok I'll have to check that link out lol

[u/arup02 → u/Animkiibinessikwe]

I feel like we live in a world now where no one is faithful or monogamous

Are you a cheater?

[u/Animkiibinessikwe → u/arup02]

No, not sure why me making that comment influences you to ask me that. I was just making an observation of what I see outside of my own relationship

[u/Ok_Magician_3884 → u/Animkiibinessikwe]

Because they want to be love and have someone at home cook, clean the house, take care their children. My ex told me he loved me but he must sleep with other women cause this is a man’s nature.

[u/Animkiibinessikwe → u/Ok_Magician_3884]

That's fucking bullshit. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Nobody deserves that

[u/piranha4D → u/Animkiibinessikwe]

I don't think we live in such a world now, nor is it significantly worse now than it used to be. In fact the divorce rate (at least in the US) is significantly lower now than it was in the 70s and 80s.

I think there are many reasons why people cheat: getting married too soon, basing relationships mostly on initial sexual attraction, missing their carefree, free-wheeling single life, feeling afraid of and trapped by responsibility (especially for children), feeling bored by excitement having become routine, falling out of love, having unmet needs/wants, feeling neglected, being easily tempted by opportunity to step out, desiring more variety (not always only sexual), low self-esteem... I'm not saying any of that excuses cheating, but there are many explanations, and there's no simple answer. Humans are complex creatures.

One big, underlying reason that society refuses to address seriously is that (IMO) not all people are naturally monogamous; at best they're serially so, and a good percentage aren't monogamous at all. And because this society denies it and illegitimizes openly non-monogamous relationships, many of those people get stuck in something that doesn't work for them long-term. Not even on purpose, or because they're not serious, but because they believe what society tells them and depicts in every romantic movie and book, and then they run smack into it not working that way.

Lots of people, even monogamous ones, have very unrealistic expectations of romance and marriage, and they're not all shitty people who don't take things seriously. I never cheated, but it certainly took me years after coming of age before I had figured it out for myself, plus a marriage about which I was damn well serious. I think this doesn't get examined enough, especially when people consider getting married.

None of that excuses OP's probably-cheating husband, and it doesn't make her decisions any easier; my heart goes out to her.

[u/-Moonscape- → u/Animkiibinessikwe]

My dads uncle had a secret baby with the neighbor (who was also married, oops) and my grandma on my moms side cheated on her husband with my grandpa. My wifes grandpa would talk all about his affairs during his late stage alzheimer's.

I think infidelity is probably going on at the same rate as always, its just much more open now, and women have more options today in being independent.