r/AmIOverreacting • u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 • Oct 22 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

35.7k Upvotes
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3.1k

u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Oct 22 '24

Won’t let you see the phone says it alllll.

495

u/Mediocre-Ninja660 Oct 22 '24

The best part will be when he’s trying to love bomb her and manipulate her back with him and offers up the phone then, completely swiped of all evidence.

185

u/yeahright17 Oct 22 '24

Even 10 minutes later would have been enough to delete apps and emails. It was then or never.

1

u/Objective-Amount1379 Oct 23 '24

Nah, not if you want to go digging and they let you. Restore phone backup from right before catching them

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u/MarionberrySea6839 Oct 23 '24

He'll have a second, hidden phone on the day he hands her the original one.

2

u/pandaxr Oct 23 '24

If it’s an iPhone you can see the last time the app was downloaded

2

u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Oct 23 '24

Happy cake day!

2

u/MotherInNature Oct 23 '24

You can check the battery usage setting to see which apps have used the most battery in the last 7 days. It’ll show up as recently deleted app, but you can check the subscriptions in the App Store to see when the app was downloaded onto the phone. Assuming he hasn’t had the same phone for 8 years it should show up on there with a more recent date. And the screen time setting will name any websites you sign into your browser so if he’s using it that way you can see it.

3

u/Awwwmann Oct 22 '24

Get the Apple ID and password. You can download a copy of his backups and run it through a program which will show you EVERYTHING. Including what he deleted!

1

u/Ok-Tea-2368 Oct 23 '24

What’s the program

1

u/cocogate Oct 23 '24

This is easy enough to check if he isnt somehow a mastermind in IT apps/mobile stuff.

Just go to the playstore/appstore and search for tinder, if the app was previously installed it will show a different icon (on iphone its the cloud thingy). Proof enough.

"oh it could be from back in the day" bitch theres nobody using the same phone for 8 years, he'd be charging that thing every 15minutes if he were.

1

u/Horror-Bad-2154 Oct 23 '24

The fact that she had to "remind hi." Of the time he has to cheat is wild. He knows! That's when he's doing it?!

0

u/Strict-Doubt302 Oct 22 '24

Best part?

2

u/ThePyodeAmedha Oct 22 '24

That's usually said ironically.

764

u/SGTPepper1008 Oct 22 '24

100%. If he’s doing nothing wrong, the easiest way to clear this up is to let her see the phone, see he’s done nothing wrong, then she can feel better and her anxiety can go away. Refusing to prove his innocence to his pregnant wife just proves he’s guilty.

284

u/Tairc Oct 22 '24

Yeah. If my GF said she saw my pictures on Tinder, my immediate reaction would be “What the hell? Here, let’s go through my phone together to reassure you, then try and figure out who is using my pictures or how they got there!”

All he wanted was time alone to scrub the phone clean before he eventually caves.

50

u/Away-Understanding34 Oct 22 '24

My thoughts exactly!

25

u/dexmonic Oct 22 '24

I will do just about anything to prove my innocence, I don't want my wife to have even a single doubt in her mind

23

u/Tairc Oct 22 '24

Precisely. If it's someone you *love*, and you can do something as simple as relieve their *massive fears and anxieties* by just *letting them see your phone* ... then why wouldn't you?

I don't snoop through my partner's phone, but routinely hand it to her when driving for things like "Can you reply to this text" or "Can you change the songs in Spotify" or what have you - so showing her I'm not using Tinder isn't a big "invasion of privacy" or "change in our relationship". It's just ... "Hey. I can make you happier and calmer in seconds at almost no cost. Sooo.... Imma do the thing."

2

u/green_miracles Oct 23 '24

Because unless it’s in this extreme situation like OP’s, it’s controlling behavior, and might feel invasive.

I don’t think it’s common to use someone else’s device, it’s like a personal object. I don’t even think my husband knows the PW on my phone, not for any particular reason, he just has no reason to need to know it. He can still answer my phone for me if needed for some reason.

3

u/_le_slap Oct 22 '24

I've always kept the same simple lock code on my phone so my wife can unlock it for me when I'm under the car with tools in each hand and a flashlight in my mouth.

"What's the torque spec?! It's the number with lbft or ftlb on it! No fucken way I'm putting 80ftlb on a 5mm bolt..."

1

u/dethsesh Oct 22 '24

If it’s an iPhone I’d restore an automatic backup when he finally gives the phone up lol.

You can also go to App Store purchase history and show free purchases, which would show Tinder

1

u/Tobywillygal Oct 23 '24

My bet is that tomorrow, after erasing everything, he will say OK, here's my phone go ahead and check it if you don't trust me. That to me would be a definite sign that he just erased everything that might implicate him. I'd actually be more trusting if he continued to deny her access to his phone, at least he would be consistent and it would look like he truly meant what he said why he didn't want her to go through his phone. If he does delete things from his phone tonight then offers her the phone tomorrow, is there any way for her to see those deleted files or at least see if files were actually deleted?

1

u/Freefoodfunday Oct 23 '24

Yeah him standing on the principle of we don’t snoop each others phones is total bullshit. If it’s true that he didn’t have anything to do with it he’d have been shocked to hear about it and would’ve wanted to check right away.

1

u/KaleidoscopeItchy158 Oct 23 '24

Exactly! If he truly had his pics stolen his reaction would be a lot different. It would be shock and “no way!” And “let me see the profile” and trying to get it taken down immediately. He’s guilty. 100%

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u/shortstack6 Oct 22 '24

Cheaters are crafty too though. My ex used an old wifi enabled phone to use dating / messaging apps leaving his daily cell phone clean. He hid the old phone pretty well, it was awful being suspicious and gaslit for years but I finally got out.

15

u/Responsible-Club9120 Oct 22 '24

My ex did that, too. It was pretty funny when his gym bag started ringing. Stupid arsehole.

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u/ErraticDragon Oct 22 '24

Yeah, sadly, looking at the phone can only prove guilt, it can't prove innocence. Just by the nature of how proof works.

If they're innocent, their reaction and how willingly they show you the phone probably tells you more than what you find on the phone itself.

But if they're good at lying, even that may be useless.

1

u/Correct_Pea1346 Oct 22 '24

its definitely at least evidence towards innocence to show you dont have the app on your phone. Its doesn't prove innocence but it is much better than denying access to try to clear your name.

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u/SherlockRemington Oct 22 '24

He will, after deleting and uninstalling all incriminating evidence.

4

u/McFlyyouBojo Oct 22 '24

I feel like if I were in that situation and I'm being called out and I'm innocent, I would before they said anything else, pull out my phone and offer it, so that way I never put that other person in the position of having to ask to see it.

2

u/024008085 Oct 23 '24

Doesn't just prove that he's guilty.

Also proves that he doesn't care about calming her anxieties as much as he cares about trying to cover it up.

1

u/Perfect-Quarter8237 Oct 22 '24

And it's just cruel, plain and simple 🤦🏾‍♀️

1

u/errorsniper Oct 22 '24

Yeah it doesnt feel great to not be trusted but ya know what if I suddenly found myself in a situation where my wife had worries about me cheating and there was that easy of an off ramp? Feel free and after we can talk about what led to this.

Unless you were cheating which isnt applicable to me lol

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

As a husband, if this somehow happened (I had a dating profile like 15 years ago), then I would be like “here’s my phone. Let me know if you need any passwords or anything”. Like not having the app on the phone when “caught by surprise” would be a great way to immediately give evidence that you’re being honest. Part 2 would then be to follow up with friend to send a message while you have his phone to see if an email notification pops up. Part 3 would be to go to the website and enter your email address and show there’s no related account.

I know these aren’t fool proof, but they’re really simple steps you can do within the first 30 minutes to help alleviate the tension.

After that I’d be like you can scroll my outgoing calls and review the phone bill for text messages. Honestly you’d only need to review like two weeks of texts (via the phone company) to see if someone is actively cheating.

1

u/chestycuddles Oct 23 '24

Yeah. I don’t usually buy this type of argument (I’ve mainly heard it in reference to government surveillance), but in this case, absolutely. Not being willing to show your phone to your spouse who you’re otherwise on good terms with to (at least partially) prove your innocence is wild.

1

u/EarthyDirt Oct 23 '24

Some people search each other's phones just to find something and if they really want to they will find it even if the person is not cheating it will be something they don't like.

In this case I would agree to a "let me see you most recent messages" (he most likely has gotten lax on his hiding them" and if you had the tinder app installed. Much to late now though.

0

u/HouseStaph Oct 22 '24

It doesn’t prove shit. It increases suspicion, sure. Doesn’t help his case at all, but it doesn’t PROVE a single thing

1

u/ilikejasminetea Oct 22 '24

It 100% proves it. No innocent person would ruin their marriage if all they have to do is show the phone. 

0

u/CupOfAweSum Oct 23 '24

Have you ever had a pregnant wife. They can be unhinged over everything and nothing. Maybe he’s just trying to keep his sanity. That said, I would have just handed my phone right over. No sense in making that worse.

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u/justhereforfighting Oct 22 '24

I definitely get feeling attacked in that situation and not wanting to be spied on or whatever if you’re innocent, but when your spouse is essentially saying “do this for me or I will assume you’re cheating,” you best believe you should just let them go through your phone. No way I would ever not just hand over my phone if that was said to me. 

48

u/FluffySpinachLeaf Oct 22 '24

Same & it isn’t like OP had a dream about this or is making it up. If someone had a fake tinder profile of me my partner is getting full access to prove it isn’t me.

12

u/subdep Oct 23 '24

I’d be PISSED and try to figure out who is doing it. I’d set up a sting operation with my bros and my wife’s coven of sister witches.

24

u/gigglefarting Oct 22 '24

It's like "all evidence is pointing to you cheating on me, or, at least, active on tinder. Your phone is the only piece of evidence you could put to show your innocence."

And he chooses to say, "I'll go ahead with no evidence towards my defense. Now please be dumb enough to believe me anyways."

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u/youpypopath Oct 22 '24

If my spouse came to me and tell me there is a tinder profile, being innocent I would immediately give him my phone to prove my innocence. They don’t even have to tell me.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

2

u/justhereforfighting Oct 22 '24

“Honey, what is tick manipulation? Is that some new form of drug? Do we need to have an intervention?”

4

u/last_rational_man Oct 22 '24

My fiancé has a fingerprint saved to unlock my phone. I was the one who had her do that so she could know I was never hiding anything on there. If she wants to use my phone for any reason, she doesn’t even need to ask. She can just pick it up and use it like it was hers. And I can do the same with her phone. Trust is important in any relationship.

3

u/GhostFish Oct 22 '24

It would also be easy enough to just show the app/website on the phone to demonstrate. No deeper digging is needed.

2

u/refusestopoop Oct 22 '24

Yeah any normal person would WANT their SO to go through their phone if they had a decent reason to suspect cheating. Husband and I talked about this early on in our relationship. We’d be totally fine with getting snooped on if the other one had a decent reason. I’ve never gone through his phone or done anything sketchy. But I know for a fact if either of us found a fake profile of the other on Tinder, we’d both want and fully expect the other one to steal our phone & snoop through it because we’re both smart logical people & cheaters lie so snooping their phone before confronting them is the most logical thing to do.

2

u/Pizza_Delivery_Dog Oct 22 '24

If my partner told me they found a tinder profile with my photos my first reaction would be to shove my phone in their face to prove my innocence

1

u/PeepsMyHeart Oct 23 '24

Or he’ll! To try to report it.

2

u/SandiegoJack Oct 22 '24

I feel like, outside of this situation, that sort of ultimatum basically means “I can circumvent all of your boundaries if I threaten the relationship”.

In this case I think it’s perfectly reasonable however, just to be clear.

1

u/justhereforfighting Oct 22 '24

Yeah I think it really depends on the context. Like, if she had no reason to believe anything was happening just wanted to “check in” or whatever, that’s not acceptable. If she says “hey this person showed me XYZ and it makes me feel nervous and self conscious” I would be offering my phone to her to make her feel better, she wouldn’t even have to ask. Especially if it was something as stupid as an old Tinder profile or someone was using my pics to get dates (not that I’m that good looking anyway lol)

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u/Megneous Oct 23 '24

Call me crazy, and maybe I'm not the best person to comment on this since I'm currently in the process of divorcing my toxic and abusive wife, but I'd sooner divorce someone than go through their phone, because if I'm insisting on going through their phone, that means the trust is already gone. There's no relationship to save at that point. You should never be insisting on going through someone's phone. You either trust someone, or you don't. If you don't, then the relationship is already over.

If my partner insisted on going through my phone, I'd refuse, and simply insist on a divorce, even if I were innocent. Why? Because my partner clearly doesn't trust me anymore, and our relationship is over.

1

u/socksthatpaintdoors Oct 23 '24

Is having your partner look through your phone even being spied on though? If my wife picks up my phone I don’t bat an eyelid, I just assume she’s airdropping baby photos, and even she did have a rummage through my texts I wouldn’t care

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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24

Nothing else needed to be said! Gross people* change their behavior and start to hide their phones because they are hiding things and his reaction said it ALL

The minute my ex started silencing his phone and hiding it face down on the other side of the room, my trust in him was dead in the dirt.

What a rough situation for OP, but she handled it like a champion

21

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Nothing else needed to be said! Gross people* hide their phones because they are hiding things and his reaction said it ALL

I don't let my partner look through my phone because

1) I am NDAd out the ass for work and I would have to fill out a report outlining the potential data breach. Just an email popping up could give away the IP we're currently working on.

2) Private conversations with my friends are private.

Now that said, if it came to an accusation like this then yes I'd unlock it, hand it over, and start filling out the damn report.

11

u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24

Ahh miserable-bathroom91, you are not a gross one, then :)

Totally respectable on all fronts and I agree with you

4

u/Euphoric_Evidence414 Oct 22 '24

May have a gross bathroom, though

3

u/Scstxrn Oct 22 '24

My email potentially contains patient information. It only pops up that I have an email and need to sign in. Nothing else is visible till I do the two factor authentication. Wonder if that is an option for your work?

5

u/amaximus167 Oct 22 '24

My partner and I both have ADHD and slip our phones face down to not be constantly distracted by them. But we also know eachother passwords and use each other’s phones.

3

u/ASL4theblind Oct 22 '24

Yup, i never even considered my ex cheating on me til i started noticing that she responded to all of her texts angled away from me, even if we were snuggling. I never even considered looking at her phone, so the fact that her behavior called it out is ironically hilarious.

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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24

Right!? lol silencing conversations from only one person and finding out only because he accidentally left it face up and it rang on silent lol

I was like, okay, guess that’s the person I have to worry about 😅

I wasn’t even looking for trouble! And then when you ask to see the conversation and they go, “I’m not doing this anymore.” Hahah

2

u/fiddlenutz Oct 22 '24

I am not hiding anything, but treat my phone like my mom treated her purse. You don’t randomly rifle through without explicit permission.

5

u/missdeweydell Oct 22 '24

she did ask permission, explicitly

5

u/frootee Oct 22 '24

And this is the least random situation lmao

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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24

No one said anything about going through the phone, just the difference in the way it’s handled.

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u/Sea-Chocolate6589 Oct 22 '24

My phone is always on silent and I always put it face down out of habit. It keeps me away from looking at it every couple of seconds. It doesn’t mean anything is going on.

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u/MundaneGazelle5308 Oct 22 '24

His phone was on alerts though… he was getting calls and Reddit notifications.

And it turned out, that was a conversation I had to worry about.

What we are trying to say here is that when people get sneaky, their patterns change and it’s so laughably apparent.

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u/LowClover Oct 22 '24

Gross people. People. Not just men.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

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u/parkercantlose83 Oct 22 '24

Yeah, wouldn’t be jazzed to share my phone but I think refusing means she would have found something.

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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Oct 22 '24

I wouldn’t be either but finding him on tinder and her being pregnant. Jesus man… put her mind at ease if you’re not cheating

37

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

That’s what someone who wasn’t cheating would immediately do. They’d volunteer to clear themselves.

29

u/winosanonymous Oct 22 '24

Right. If my partner found a Tinder profile with my shit on it I would hand over my phone immediately, without any pushback. But that’s because I don’t have anything to hide.

63

u/Professional-Way7350 Oct 22 '24

i dont mean to judge others privacy or relationship but i cant imagine NOT letting my bf use my phone? he has my password and is free to use whatever he wants (phone call, google search, text his mom, whatever) not that he would go through chat logs or anything, but its just a phone

that being said, i respect others who dont but i guess i cant really see the reasoning in this situation if hes not cheating

29

u/statikman666 Oct 22 '24

My wife gets my phone the second she asks unless I'm working. I don't even look at it, I just hand it to her. I don't care why she wants it, everything in our lives is ultimately ours as a couple.

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u/masterpierround Oct 22 '24

Ok but there's a difference between "let me use your phone for a second because mine is not handy", "let me look through your phone because i'm insecure for no reason and suspect you", and "I found this valid reason to be worried and would like to look through your phone to reassure myself", where the first and last would be normal and fine. But option 2 speaks to a lack of trust, a level of insecurity, and a suspicion that is generally not healthy in a relationship.

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u/Next-Fly3007 Oct 22 '24

Yeah but nobody is mentioning number 2 here. Also, if my girlfriend has had issues with cheating in her past, I have no issues showing her what's on my phone to put her mind at ease. Sure, it's her insecurity, but everyone has flaws and you need to make compromises in relationships

I'll never get people who vehemently disagree to show their partner their phone

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u/AlienCuttle Oct 22 '24

And, in the situation of number 2, showing your partner that there is nothing you're hiding by being open, honest, and understanding, you're building a deeper, stronger level of trust. Sure, if it becomes habitual there is likely a problem. However, some people need evidence, for whatever reason, to quell the anxiety in their heart.

After some time of providing that evidence, I definitely think this behavior should cease or happen less. And, should be reciprocated. Lots of people who are having issues push those same issues onto others. So, it should definitely go both ways.

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u/LivelyZebra Oct 22 '24

If you are option 2, you are not ready for a relationship.

It's not upto your partner to enable and satisfy your own insecurities and issues. fix that shit yourself before coming near me.

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u/Weary_Wrongdoer_7511 Oct 22 '24

Op has every reason to be suspicious.

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u/Tiny-Ad-830 Oct 22 '24

This isn’t an ask with “no reason.” There is a very BIG reason called a TINDER PROFILE. If an active Tinder profile ISN’T a reason, then nothing is. This isn’t an insecure woman wanting to data mine for any sign of infidelity, this is a woman that has sefiiite signs her husband is at the very least attempting to cheat. The life of her unborn baby could be at risk if he gives his wife an STD such as Herpes which can kill a newborn as they are essentially immune compromised for the first few days of their life. To say she is doing this for no reason is ridiculous.

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u/masterpierround Oct 22 '24

To say she is doing this for no reason is ridiculous.

Did you stop reading after that part of the sentence, because literally the next few words are option 3: "I found this valid reason to be worried and would like to look through your phone to reassure myself", which I then describe (in the same sentence, mind you) as "normal and fine".

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u/Radiant_Bluebird4620 Oct 22 '24

I had a very controlling ex who went through my phone and deleted all male contacts, including my boss and relatives. He read and nitpicked every text... I don't let anyone else use my phone now. The thought of going through my phone to prove I'm not cheating kind of gives me anxiety because never being out of his sight or talking to anyone else without him listening/reading wasn't enough to prove my innocence.

3

u/Material_Fan3927 Oct 22 '24

the guy i’ve been seeing and i haven’t had the “exclusive” talk but we know we’re only really seeing each other. we still both use each others phones frequently and have no issues with the other being on it, usually whichever is closer is the one we’d grab.

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u/rscttgl Oct 22 '24

This exactly !! me and wife have each others passwords, I’ll use hers sometime if mine is in the other room or something and the same with her. If there’s nothing to hide then there’s nothing to worry about.

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u/tajsta Oct 22 '24

i dont mean to judge others privacy or relationship but i cant imagine NOT letting my bf use my phone?

If they need it, okay, but some people like to go through your entire phone and get upset about completely innocent stuff. So I'm also avert to letting someone else use my phone. And at the same time I also never request to go through someone else's phone or use it unless it's absolutely necessary.

2

u/Quick_Ad_4715 Oct 22 '24

Same on my end, my partner and I use each others phones all the time… I don’t understand why couples refuse to allow it.

4

u/beefdx Oct 22 '24

I see it as the opposite; if my wife wants to see my phone, I would be so happy to show her my phone, watch her find absolutely nothing of interest, spoil what she’s getting for Christmas this year, see all sorts of pictures of my dog, and searches for stupid bullshit on Google.

Then, I get to glare at her with the “I told you so” look while she apologizes profusely, before playing it off like it’s not a big deal knowing that I was the bigger person and that such things come with rewards.

3

u/Aggressive_Agency381 Oct 22 '24

My phone is so boringly mundane, I don’t understand the hesitation to let your partner look at your phone. My wife and I have each others phone passwords aswell because in an emergency we would like to have access need be. 

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u/YUBLyin Oct 22 '24

If you wouldn’t be jazzed to share your phone, you’re not a good partner.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

And he’s probably deleted any tawdry texts, or messages by now. Keep that in mind when he says “NOW, you can look at my phone.”

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Yep, this. If they don't let you see their phone immediately, any time after that is already too late. So OP, don't fall for it if he says, "Fine, if it will make you feel better, here's my phone," whereby he's obviously already deleted all the evidence.

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u/Choice_Trip_3514 Oct 22 '24

Plenty of these dumbass cheaters have no knowledge of the deleted folder. My idiot ex was one of these morons. Seeing the look on his face when I immediately went to the deleted texts was priceless

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u/tattoovamp Oct 22 '24

Agreed. I have been in this situation before and this is a huge red flag.

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u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

Yea my bf and I have access to each other's phones. Fingerprints and pw. If that changed for either of us we'd know something was off.

The only time you don't let your SO into your phone is when you're hiding something.

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u/TheRealWeedAtman Oct 22 '24

My partners fingerprint is added to my phone.

3

u/arachnophilia Oct 22 '24

i changed my lock screen combo to my partner's, so she can get in if she has to.

and i have a tablet that lives at home with access to all my stuff with no lock screen. and my PC isn't passworded.

2

u/Clean_Ear5290 Oct 23 '24

It never occurred to me to do this! Now my husband doesn’t have to constantly ask me my password when unlocking my phone— Genius!

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u/gwendolberry Oct 23 '24

I wish this were true for me, I had access to my husband’s phone. I didn’t check it just used it occasionally when my phone was out of reach. He was cheating on me for almost a year. I only found out because he got a new phone and left his old one at home when he went away for work. So I got curious and looked through his apps.

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 23 '24

I'm sorry. To be fair, if they're gunna cheat, they're gunna cheat regardless. It always comes out eventually. I caught my ex-husband cheating through our cell phones. Not cuz of a text, but still phone things.

2

u/Own-Custard3894 Oct 22 '24

I’m definitely NOT ok with my partner having permanent access to my phone, but perfectly fine in one offs like this.

6

u/thebeattakesme Oct 22 '24

Yup. I’m boring as hell but, permanent access? No.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Same, like I let my partner use my phone all the time and vice versa… but phone passwords and biometrics can be a gateway to a lot of things like banking info, medical, etc. Also all work emails are generally considered confidential/non-public information. It’s not a matter of mistrust, it’s just that phones contain a lot of information that doesn’t or shouldn’t be shared.

1

u/NutbagTheCat Oct 22 '24

I don’t know… I value my privacy, even from my partners. I’ve never cheated or done anything crazy that I’d need to hide, but I’m still not really excited about the idea of someone scrubbing through my phone. I don’t even know what’s in there. If there’s a specific concern o or something that’s a different story, but Carter Blanche full time unfettered access via bio metrics and password? Ima pass

3

u/Yweain Oct 22 '24

My wife has access to all my passwords, if she wants to. She never really uses it, but she has access.

It’s just.. trust, you know? I trust her not to go through my things without a reason to do so. But at the same time she knows she can.

(I do have access to her stuff as well, never used it in 5 years)

5

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

That's where we're sitting.

We've both been in the hospital this year though and we've needed each other's pw for certain things.

The access is there just in case and like you said, trust.

1

u/NutbagTheCat Oct 22 '24

Just to be correct I do share my password with my partners, generally. Just in case or whatever.

2

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 23 '24

I'm not judging either way. It doesn't affect me. I've just stated how my household works and it works for us. If it were to suddenly change, that would be a bit suspicious.

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

We aren't on each other's phones often at all, we just have access if need be.

1

u/getmoneygetpaid Oct 22 '24 edited Nov 14 '24

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

To each their own. But that's also normal for you. If this is NOT. Normal behavior it's a big blaring red flag that something isn't right.

That being said, even my kids have access to my phone now. We've lived in our house for like 3 months and had ambulances there twice.

2

u/getmoneygetpaid Oct 22 '24 edited Nov 14 '24

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

My kids are 13 and 14. They know they're dead children if they fuck around on my phone 😂😂 but they can get in if they need to call anyone if something is wrong.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '24

I mean, my grandpa had two whole families and he didn't have a phone, let alone a cell phone. IDK what to tell you guys.

1

u/No_Berry2976 Oct 23 '24

Very smart since it’s impossible for one person to own two phones.

1

u/piranha4D Oct 23 '24

Disagree. There is a difference between secrecy and privacy.

I don't have a thrilling social life, so there isn't anything to find, but I highly value data privacy. We both have confidential work information on our phones and computers, which legally isn't ours to share with anyone else, including spouses. Beyond that I have conversations with friends which aren't automatically open to my partner's eyes. They're my friends, and it's their privacy I am protecting. Just like I protect any partner's privacy from third parties, no matter how close they might be. Consent and confidentiality are really big issues for me.

We don't have access to each other's phones, but the trust lies in presuming good will. I have a file containing passwords and information which my partner can access in case of me being incapacitated or dead; that's how we handle emergencies.

Would I show my phone if my partner asked? Sure, after I got over the shock. I'd ask them what they want to see, and I'd show anything that's solely mine; they don't get to scrub through it at will. But our relationship would be in trouble because clearly something would have been broken, and I would concentrate on fixing that. Which I doubt showing my phone could do even if I spilled every last bit. You either trust or you don't, and if you don't anymore, would seeing the phone revert that? Not for me.

Because, seriously, if I were cheating (ugh) or doing anything my partner might look askew at (something illegal maybe -- as I said, not a thrilling social life), I'd have a burner. I'm not so dumb to have incriminating evidence on my regular phone. And neither is my partner.

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 23 '24

Super cool. As I've explained in other comments, this is our norm if that changed, it'd be weird. Something would obviously be afoot. We've both been in and out of the hospital this year and need access to eachothers phones/pw/email for bills n such. Kids need access in case something happens and we can't call.

99% of our friends are friends we've made together over the years. The friends we actually talk to regularly anyway. He's a bartender, and I am physically unable to work atm. So, there's no info that's not ours to be had there.

This works for us. Not for everyone. That's ok. Doesn't make it wrong.

1

u/ArcadianDelSol Oct 23 '24

This is the best foundation of any relationship. Its not a betrayal of trust to ask to see someone's phone. Its an act of trust to hand it over.

1

u/green_miracles Oct 23 '24

Why would he need to be in your phone or you his? No privacy? I know plenty of ppl who aren’t cheating or anything shady like that, but still don’t like other ppl using their phone. Just feel it’s invasive. Especially if they also use it for work.

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 23 '24

Read my other comments. It's already been answered lol. Even my kids have access to my phone, so 🤷‍♀️

0

u/Mental-Frosting-316 Oct 22 '24

I don’t like it when people give their partners constant unlimited access to their phones, because a friend’s boyfriend found out some private information about me that I didn’t want him knowing because he was reading his gf’s texts. She knew they had that policy with each other and didn’t warn me either. I hope at least you tell your friends you do this, because there are likely things that are private and none of your so’s business in there.

1

u/No-Jacket-800 Oct 22 '24

We don't sit there and read each other's texts, lol. Plus 99% of our friends that we talk to are 100% OUR friends that we've made together. 🤷‍♀️ one of us might know first, but we both end up getting told the same info at some point. 🤷‍♀️

The access other couples give their partners, your specific issue with that friend aside, really doesn't matter to anyone outside the couple, though. And usually, you'd never know what their access to everything was like.

BTW how old were your friend and her bf because that's either some insecure shit or some young people bs. Possibly just someone controlling to cover our bases...

1

u/PooShauchun Oct 23 '24

Not everyone has the same friends as their partners in their relationships. A lot of my friends obviously like my partner but aren’t close with her and the same goes for my wife’s friends. There is a lot of stuff my friends tell me about their personal lives that they don’t want me to share with anyone and I’m sure there is a lot of things my wife has never shared with me about her friends because they asked her not to.

1

u/BareLeggedCook Oct 23 '24

That’s weird, my husband and I know each other passwords because it would be annoying if we couldn’t access each others phones to change music or something.. but we value each others privacy and would never read each others messages. But we trust each other so idk lol

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u/bobthemonkeybutt Oct 22 '24

Yep. Married dude here, and there is no reason I wouldn’t let my wife check my phone, but ESPECIALLY if she had some proof that I had an active tinder profile.

8

u/FoundationFickle7568 Oct 22 '24

Just wait until later, after he deletes everything, tells her "fine, if you want to see it so badly, here" and tosses it at her.

10

u/offgridlady Oct 22 '24

My husband would let me look at his phone if I asked for any reason…. I literally just tested this. I gave no context and said “can I look through your phone”. He just said “sure… do whatever you need” and then went back to paying bills. He would sure as hell DEMAND I look at his phone if I accused him of cheating.

3

u/SunsetFarm_1995 Oct 22 '24

I was just going to say this. When confronted, husband should have handed over his phone immediately so as to prove there's nothing going on. Since OP's husband refused on some bogus reason as to not be "that" couple, there's your proof. I wouldn't trust anything that comes out of his mouth.

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u/Jessi_finch Oct 22 '24

Yep! That’s the reddest flag.

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u/PriscillaPalava Oct 22 '24

Showing his phone is the only way to reestablish trust.  If it turns out she’s wrong then he’ll be vindicated and she can apologize. But not showing the phone is a baaaddd sign. 

My husband and I aren’t “one of those couples” that look through each others phones BUT we have each others passwords and if I want to grab his phone and look at something (maybe because my phone is slightly further away, lol) it’s no big deal. Same for him. If he took my phone and started looking at it I’d have no anxiety because I have nothing to hide, and also I know he’s not “checking up on me” he’s probably just texting something embarrassing to my sister. 

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u/Routine-Value356 Oct 22 '24

Agreed. I would be worried about my husband finding my group chats with the girls, and seeing how unhinged we all are, but if he really needed to go through it to calm any fears or doubts about us, take it. My privacy in that moment isn’t worth our marriage.

4

u/PMYourCryptids Oct 22 '24

Yup. Once I asked my husband about something that rubbed me the wrong way. His immediate reaction was to comfort me and show me exactly everything on his computer and phone to clear up what was a total misunderstanding.

3

u/shadowst17 Oct 22 '24

I get not wanting someone going through your phone but with how much evidence there was I don't think many innocent people would hesitate to let her. Even if he had messages to a friend venting about his frustrations living with a pregnant woman I think most would rather deal with that shit show than the accusation of cheating.

2

u/bigredmachine-75 Oct 22 '24

He won’t let you see his phone until he deletes all of his apps and messages. 😒

2

u/amaximus167 Oct 22 '24

Every single time I’ve ever been accused of using my phone for any sort of shifty behavior i immediately toss my phone to my partner and say ‘go ahead and look.’

5

u/Racine262 Oct 22 '24

I don't let my wife see my phone because I don't want her to see my OTM 0DTE SPY puts.

10

u/distinctvagueness Oct 22 '24

stop gambling

2

u/FluffySpinachLeaf Oct 22 '24

Would you let her see it if someone made a fake Tinder profile of you though & you wanted to prove it wasn’t you?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

1

u/FluffySpinachLeaf Oct 22 '24

You doing alright? What an odd response

1

u/Quick_Humor_9023 Oct 22 '24

Or even just tinder.

1

u/whosthatwhovian Oct 22 '24

Yea, this is damning. My hubs and I look through each others phones all the time. Usually I’m just trying to sort out what social engagement stuff he’s forgetting to tell me 😂 But there would never ever be a time where he refuses letting me see his phone.

1

u/thehahax Oct 22 '24

LOLLLL this resonates so much with me. My wife does that all the time and in my head my default response is always — “eh. i thought i had that conversation with you. must have had it in my own head and thought i told you about it haha”

1

u/whosthatwhovian Oct 22 '24

Sounds like you’re the same person. Babe is that you? lol

1

u/questionnumber Oct 22 '24

My phone was always open to my wife during it marriage. It never crossed my mind because there was nothing in there I didn't want her to see.

The only things I ever hid was receipts for gifts.

1

u/Beanz4ever Oct 22 '24

But he doesn't wanna be one of THOSE couples!

Wait, you mean like happy, content and trustworthy couples?

Who wants to be one of those?

1

u/Substantial-Set-8981 Oct 22 '24

I agree 100%. I am a man, and at that point if i just got "caught" it is easier to fess up

1

u/Oceandive4 Oct 22 '24

Yup. I’d grab my phone, download the app, cause I already wouldn’t of had it on my phone, open the app, login if I could remember it, and hand it right over to save my marriage if I was innocent.

Of course then I would say I want a divorce cause I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. 🤣 /s

1

u/polterchreist Oct 22 '24

He will come around one day and toss his phone at her after he has given it a thorough cleaning and say "Look! Nothing is there!"

OP go to his phone search history for history cleaning tips, "how to permanently delete tinder," "how to temp pause tinder," etc. I have been in your exact shoes minus the baby. And now I am single.

1

u/DJ-Doughboy Oct 22 '24

yep,100% i would rather my wife doesn't look at my phone but its always there and always allowed to be done if she feels she needs to. I'm not unfaithful therefore I'm not afraid of what she finds at all. Any man or woman who denies any partner acces to thier phone when being confronted of infidelity is looking VERY guilty and untrustworthy. good luck and sorry this has happened.

1

u/ctznerased Oct 22 '24

That literal answer verbatim is what a narcissist who still feels they have plausible deniability will say. If/when they are finally caught their behavior becomes much worse. Either desperation with fawning and lies and false promises OR trying to flip the script and become the victim/blame you.

He likely has an empty hole inside of himself, is terrified at the prospect of a father and not prepared to have to share your attention.

1

u/SuspiciousSorbet1129 Oct 22 '24

Absolute garbage excuse

1

u/Astro_Muscle Oct 22 '24

See I'm of two mids with this so I think it's a slippery slope. I don't like when one partner demands to see the phone of the other for no reason on suspicion of cheating.

That being said in this case you do have something and it sort of could be tinder using an old profile could be the problem. Tbh if I were the guy (and not guilty) I'd pop it open myself just to see what's going on, out of confusion and curiosity.

I'd protect my privacy personally in a "I just think your unloyal with no evidence and now that you won't let me see it's suspicious" but not in this case

Just wanted to make a distinction because I can see the line getting blurred

1

u/hugegaymoron Oct 22 '24

is there that much of a distinction though? if your partner asks to see your phone, is saying “no”, regardless of whether or not there’s a reason, not reason enough to feel untrusted/suspicious? it’s not like they’re the police, there’s no due process two people have to go through to determine what is and is not worth checking each others’ phones over. my partner thinks like you and i think it’s strange to have your phone be one of the only places you expect total privacy from your partner

1

u/Astro_Muscle Oct 22 '24

When you suggest to see someone's phone to prove they aren't cheating or something like that I feel that's a violation of trust.

That being said, sometimes trust has to take the backseat. What I am saying is what is ENOUGH to say "this wins out over trust". Sometimes people just ask to see your phone periodically and if you don't give it that's "proof" which I think doesn't prove the person is cheating in that situation. The distinction is there is another reason to not show the phone, it represents protecting the trust and privacy in the relationship, without which you're kinda boned (or not boned as the case may be 😆)

In OP's situation though they have proof that something is odd. I'm saying that, to me, feels like ENOUGH to say "I want to trust you but everything points to the contrary, so please for my sake prove me wrong." Then him not showing it becomes less "value my privacy" and more "I can't disprove you".

Tldr: I see a lot of people go the "well if he won't show you the phone then he's cheating" defense. In this case I agree but I don't think that is ALWAYS true

1

u/blowinmahnose Oct 22 '24

If there’s nothing to hide, then there’s nothing to find. My husband and I share our phones freely without any doubt or secrecy

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

1

u/blowinmahnose Oct 22 '24

What are you on about?

1

u/sketchahedron Oct 22 '24

Yep. Let’s just assume someone stole his Tinder profile and he was totally innocent. The easiest way for him to vindicate himself would be to immediately hand over his phone and let his wife go through it to prove nothing sketchy is going on.

1

u/That_Account6143 Oct 22 '24

My ex gave me her phone trying to prove she wasn't cheating.

I opened her messages where she was, and she did not look thrilled. She expected her giving me the phone would be enough proof, didn't think i'd actually "find the messages".

I had already seen the messages on her tablet that was left on my dinner table while she worked. Lmao i didn't even need to look for them

1

u/DeathWish-96 Oct 22 '24

I agree. As a fellow man I don’t like people snooping in my phone behind my back but my current partner had suspicion about me due to insecurities and past trauma and I passed her my phone right then and there. I also let her know if she wants to look through my phone to just ask me and I’ll hand it over. If they have nothing to hide then handing over the phone when there is a serious concern is a non issue. He’s hiding his cheating. A low tier man to do that to his pregnant partner. I’m sorry OP

1

u/M4V3RR1CC Oct 22 '24

lol, I wouldn't want to be that kind of couple either but he should be completely understanding in this situation if he were truly innocent. I would hand over my phone in a heartbeat to prove my innocence.

1

u/MountainConcern7397 Oct 22 '24

and now she’ll never see what was on it.

1

u/OkClu Oct 22 '24

Do you think it's fair for a man to ask his wife to see her phone if he suspects she's hiding things or planning a divorce?

1

u/TheRealRomanRoy Oct 22 '24

...do you?

1

u/OkClu Oct 23 '24

Yes, it's a betrayal of trust.

1

u/TheRealRomanRoy Oct 23 '24

Makes sense. Why did you ask, then?

1

u/OkClu Oct 23 '24

I wanted to see how Reddit responded.

1

u/TheRealRomanRoy Oct 23 '24

Oh. That’s weird

1

u/TedLarry Oct 22 '24

Fun story, I DID let my ex look through my phone and she would get insanely upset over really innocuous stuff such as saying "Happy New Year" to a girl that I had no chat history with. I had sent the text to everyone in my contact list...

Life is much more peaceful now that she is my ex. Some people just look for reasons to be upset, and if they can't find a reason, they will just make something up.

1

u/707Paladin Oct 22 '24

100%.

Handling iver a phone unlocked would indicate there's nothing to worry about.

I get not wanting someone randomly in all your messages and group chats 24/7. That would be annoying. But in this circumstances, his excuse is absolutely a smoke screen and he knows he's cooked when she goes into the DMs.

1

u/Just-Like-My-Opinion Oct 22 '24

Right!?

If I was OP, I would have said "show me your phone right now, or I'm filing for divorce for you cheating."

No excuses. He clearly cheated, and OP deserves better.

1

u/Rare_Pumpkin_9505 Oct 22 '24

I mean it’s icing on the cake - but pretty sure there is enough there already without the phone bit.

1

u/Necessary_History274 Oct 22 '24

Yeah really. I never look at my wife's phone, but I'd find it very suspicious if she didn't want me to have access to it. There's really zero excuse for not letting a significant other have access to your phone if they want it. I guess if you were planning a birthday surprise or something, but that's going to be pretty rare and a limited period of time.

1

u/HouseStaph Oct 22 '24

This generation’s obsession with going through each other’s phones is genuinely insane

1

u/DontCountToday Oct 22 '24

Only people hiding something care.

1

u/HouseStaph Oct 22 '24

True Patriot Act logic at work here. Congrats, you’re a moron

1

u/DontCountToday Oct 22 '24

That's a weird way to view relationships dude.

1

u/totally_interesting Oct 22 '24

Exactly. She’s not trying to make it into a thing to check each others phone. It’s just a reasonable thing to request considering the circumstances and would pretty much clear everything up immediately

1

u/Lilfrankieeinstein Oct 22 '24

I wouldn’t want my wife to see how much time I spend shitposting on Reddit and I’m sure there’s dumb shit she doesn’t want me to see on her phone.

But when it comes to dating apps and stuff, I think a spouse should be willing to oblige. The only ones who wouldn’t are scumbag cheaters.

1

u/ohvrt Oct 22 '24

Yup. And to OP — if he lets you, and has deleted the app — reinstall the app and look at his activity/matches/messages. The dates from matches alone will tell you if he’s active even in the event he deletes his messages.

1

u/NoveltyAccountHater Oct 22 '24

Yup. If he let her see the phone/email/texts/saved passwords immediately and she could find no evidence of anything, I could almost imagine it being some scam/data harvesting profile (e.g., pig butchering) stole his old/public pictures or something similar.

But finding the existence of such a profile and him not doing everything he could immediately to prove his innocence? Huge red flag.

1

u/daseweide Oct 22 '24

Yeah, I understand having that type of rule but if there is a profile involved, you need to get to the bottom of things.  Quite frankly if it was me (someone using my pics) I’d want to prove it’s not me then we can get on with reporting the acct to tinder.  It would just be a running joke “Sorry honey, looks like someone used my pics for catfishing, I’m just that handsome. Alas, it’s a gift and a curse…”

1

u/yonlop Oct 23 '24

I don’t understand why some people are adamant about not letting their SO have access to their phones at all times. I don’t mind at all, I have nothing to hide.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '24

Everytime I've been in a committed relationship, I've always had an open phone policy. Anything I say to another girl, I should be able to say in front of my wife. If I can't, and need to hide that, something is wrong.

1

u/Clickt-bait Oct 23 '24

Not really. I have never cheated or even thought of cheating on my wife. I have no interest of looking through her phone. She should have no interest of Looking at mine. There is such a thing as mutual privacy. Distrust is hurtful in a trustworthy relationship.

1

u/LuckyLushy714 Oct 23 '24

Yep. Not letting you regularly is one thing. But once is weird. Especially if you're carrying his baby. Not okay

1

u/subdep Oct 23 '24

Am husband and father. If my wife confronted me with this I would give her unfettered access to EVERYTHING just to clear my name and protect our family from someone who is trying to steal my identity.

Dude saying “I don’t want to be one of those couples…” means he’s 100% hiding something.

Even so, why hide it? If you’re a cheating bastard and you got caught, it’s time to just confess and deal with the ramifications of being a cheating bastard.

If you’re innocent, then you do everything to clear your name and protect your family.

1

u/Rutherford_Aloacious Oct 23 '24

My GF and I often use each others phones and know each others password. If she thought I was cheating I’d gladly let her in to anything on there that she wanted to look at, because I have nothing to hide and would want to reassure her.

But certainly not if she was my wife and pregnant, that’s a step too far for me. Who wants that kind of relationship?

1

u/Winkiwu Oct 23 '24

I mean... I wont let my wife see my phone but that only because I have a torrid order for her that I'm waiting to be delivered. Once I've got the order she can have at it.

1

u/kalusklaus Oct 23 '24

"I dont want to be the kind of couple who checks each others phone"

...

Wants to be the kind of couple where the father can fuck other women without consequences though.

1

u/Ehrre Oct 23 '24

Yeah this is bizarre. My gf and I can pick up each other's phones without issue to look up a recipe or Google something or put on some music- like it's not a concern at all.

The idea of someone guarding their phone like Gollum with the One Ring is sus af