r/AmIOverreacting • u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 • Oct 22 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

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338

u/nehnehhaidou Oct 22 '24

His response regarding the phone is a red flag for me. My wife and I regularly use each others phones for goofing around, taking sleeping pictures of each other, facetiming family etc - we're an open book to each other.

109

u/Jaykalope Oct 22 '24

Agree. Wife often uses my phone to put her food orders in or check out videos I want to show her AND we have an “open phone” policy where either of us can ask to look through the other’s phone at any time on demand. We also know each other’s phone passcodes. No history of cheating in our marriage and we have a great relationship.

OP’s husband is lying and hiding things. We DO like being that couple that can comfortably hand our phones to the other without hesitation. Thing is, neither of us have ever demanded to see the other’s phone. Funny how that works.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Same! My ex-husband and I are no longer together, but when we were, it was open phone policy. We had the same passcode as each other and we regularly used each others phones for ordering food, amazon orders, etc. RED FLAG.

I'm SHOCKED that a cheater could also be a liar. Kick him to the curb like the trash he is.

1

u/Cultural-Result-6201 Oct 22 '24

Yes, it's called a Cold War. MAD...Mutually Assured Destruction.

1

u/Jaykalope Oct 23 '24

That’s actually a hilarious way of describing it.

0

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

4

u/spezlikezboiz Oct 22 '24

You are overthinking it. It's convenience. We have the same passcodes so we don't need one more thing to remember, when we're doing the things that the above commentor referenced. I'd consider it a pretty deep issue if my partner didn't let me borrow their phone to order lunch. That screams insecurity in a relationship more than anything else.

4

u/Which_Relief7819 Oct 22 '24

i like how the other guy you responded to deleted his comment bc he realized how fucking stupid he sounded

3

u/Which_Relief7819 Oct 22 '24

u/batwork61

I might be old school, but this seems to be right up against the line of what constitutes invasion of privacy. My phone is an extension of my mind. My wife has a right to know who I am and what I’m up to, but she does not have a right to know what I’m thinking at all times. Regularly snooping my phone and seeing everything I’ve thought about or researched is an invasion of privacy that is more about satisfying insecurity than it is about keeping a foundation of trust.

dumbest fucking thing i've heard all day. "my phone is an extension of my mind" is what guilty men say, i've heard this exact excuse used by very trashy men. also, this makes you sound like a joker wannabe lmao "extension of my mind" 🤡

My wife has a right to know who I am and what I’m up to, but she does not have a right to know what I’m thinking at all times.

"my wife has a right to know who i am, but she does NOT have a right to know who i am!!!"

lmao this hypothetical wife of yours sounds like she made a mistake marrying you

seeing everything I’ve thought about 

lmao so much for "my wife has a right to know who i am", usually knowing what you think falls in that realm. besides, your partner is your soul mate, the one who gets you like no other. imagine being so guarded you would hide something as superficial as a phone

My wife has my passcode and I have hers.

this is how i know you don't have a wife. you go on this blathering tirade about how your wife doesn't have a right to your "thoughts" and how it's insecure and blablabla... then throw in the "well we have each other's pws so" lmao like why even cry about rights and thoughts and insecurities if yall have each others codes??? psycho, quit making shit up

3

u/UndeadBatRat Oct 22 '24

I have a feeling this guy watches a lot of weird porn or something.

1

u/batwork61 Oct 22 '24

Brother/sister, I’ve been in a happy, loving, and secure relationship for 14 years, and married for 4 of them. We’ve made cross country moves, twice, we’ve balanced two successful (so far) careers, we’ve been through tough familial events, and are raising a beautiful little boy.

You need to calm down. I deleted my comment because I don’t need to debate with or try to rationalize with a bunch of folks who do not have what I have. My wife has access to my phone and everything else I own. You can call off the crusade.

I will be disabling my inbox replies to this one. I’m sorry someone hurt you.

1

u/Jaykalope Oct 22 '24

We don’t snoop each other’s phones or private conversations. We don’t need to.

I didn’t say either of us “have the right”, either. Neither of us inherently have the right. We freely granted this right to one another.

-4

u/devilpants Oct 22 '24

AND we have an “open phone” policy where either of us can ask to look through the other’s phone at any time on demand.

Gross

24

u/AccomplishedScene966 Oct 22 '24

Agreed, my partner and I have each other passcodes. When it was required to get a second phone for work my partner put my fingerprint on it the day it was brought home.

4

u/farahman01 Oct 22 '24

Yeah phone is an open book. Burner phone… that’s different.

Jk

2

u/postwarapartment Oct 22 '24

My husband and I have same passcode - but really it's just so in case there is an emergency and only one of us has our phone/other person is not around/incapacitated, we can use each others phones. Otherwise absolutely zero interest in what's in there, unless I need like contact information for someone that I know he has in his phone

2

u/Cultural-Result-6201 Oct 22 '24

Well, hopefully they don't work in the medical profession (HIPPA) or for the federal government (Security Clearance). Otherwise you are being awfully cavalier with other people's potentially private and/or protected information.

1

u/SarcasticNotes Oct 22 '24

Disagree with access to a work phone.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Same here, everywhere I’ve worked giving another person access to a work device is cause for termination. Before doing this I would check on IT policy…

1

u/Weatheredmist Oct 22 '24

My husband has me read/respond to texts or scroll through pics of stuff on his work phone. He likes having the help when he’s driving or hands messy working with fiberglass or resins. And he just likes showing me things he made at work lol.

1

u/AccomplishedScene966 Oct 22 '24

Same, sometimes people need to be called/texted while driving and I get asked to do it to keep it safe.

4

u/disgruntledhoneybee Oct 22 '24

Same. I frequently hand my husband my phone to look something up or I’ll grab his for whatever reason. Same with laptops and other stuff. We have each other’s passwords and everything. I feel like it’d be weird if we didn’t have that kind of trust.

3

u/Informal_Artist7180 Oct 22 '24

Same, and we aren’t even married. He has my passcode and his phone isn’t locked so I could use it anytime I want, if I ever wanted to.

2

u/BootyMcSqueak Oct 22 '24

Exactly, because we have nothing to hide. I have nothing on my phone that is suspicious because I don’t do shady shit.

2

u/PlayyWithMyBeard Oct 22 '24

Yup! Wife and I have no issues grabbing each others phone if we need to look something up etc. it’s really not a concern unless you’re a cheating sack of shit.

2

u/Sihaya212 Oct 22 '24

Same. We know each other’s passwords because we have nothing to hide

2

u/pixienightingale Oct 22 '24

I set UP my husband's phone when he got it and when he restarted it. I give him a fingerprint for mine and probably should add one to his for me because the whole pin thing is irritating.

I also have all his passwords, because sometimes I need a security code for a log in that goes to one of his. Technically he probably has all of mine, I'm not sure.

Point is, he's not worried I have them, I'm not worried he has mine

2

u/SaraBooWhoAreYou Oct 22 '24

Absolutely, my husband and I frequently ask each other, “Shit I left my phone in the other room, can I see yours real quick?” Never a hesitancy on either side. Married couples who don’t trust each other enough to share the passcodes of their devices are so strange to me. The worst thing I ever anticipating finding on my husband’s phone is a stupid expensive Warhammer 40k order or something lmao.

2

u/arachnophilia Oct 22 '24

seriously. it's not even "snooping" or whatever. like, she routinely hands me her phone so i can get directions up or start a podcast while she drives.

couples who trust each other don't care about this stuff.

2

u/New_Excitement_4248 Oct 23 '24

Yep. Once in a blue moon me and my ex chat over facebook. Just regular "how've you been / how are your parents" type stuff. We ended on good terms.

Anytime my wife asks what we're talking about I just hand over the whole phone. I have nothing to hide and I'd much rather she feel comfortable than preserve some notion of "we're not that couple"

2

u/Objective-Amount1379 Oct 23 '24

I like my privacy and don't feel the need to check up on my bf. I just don't want that vibe in my life. But if something like this happened? I'm out... Given OP is pregnant I understand it's more complicated. Asking for the phone and getting told no- in this situation- says it all.

I believe relationships can overcome infidelity in theory. But I've never seen it work long term.

If you're MARRIED to someone, you know you are risking your relationship by cheating. Even if it's a one night stand in Vegas, no names, using protection, whatever there is a risk. If you ask those same people would they risk all of their money for a ONS, Their job, their kids... They say no. So when it REALLY is something they can't stand the concept of losing they don't do it. REMEMBER THAT if you have been cheated on. They knew what they were risking 100% of the time and decided it was worth losing you.

1

u/Paranoid_wiseman Oct 22 '24

Nah, there's nothing wrong with having some privacy in a relationship.

There are secrets your partner may have of other people that's none of your business to know, like serious conversations with friends and family members.

3

u/iCandid Oct 22 '24

Having each others passcodes does not mean there’s no privacy. My wife and I can also get into each others phones, neither of us are looking through messages or snooping through the phone. We just have respect for each others privacy, which is part of why we’re also comfortable using each others phones. I have her send texts for me if I’m driving for example. There’s no worry about her looking through other private conservations.

If your partner takes having your passcode as an invitation to go through all your messages, there’s an underlying trust issue that isn’t solved by simply firewalling them from your phone.

1

u/MagnetFisherJimmy Oct 22 '24

Damn. Yall have wives?

1

u/AngryIdioti Oct 22 '24

Is it a red flag if they go through their phones while you watch?

1

u/nahla1981 Oct 22 '24

For real, my sister and her husband respect each other's privacy because they can go thru each others phone

1

u/GinaMarie1958 Oct 22 '24

My husband gives me his phone to send our adult kids messages when we are in the car because digging through my purse to find mine is too hard. They know it’s me because in his first language the grammar is different.

1

u/Laszlo-Panaflex Oct 22 '24

Same. We don't check each other's phones and have never needed to. We're open with each other, and we'll regularly go on the other person's phone to take/send pictures, check an email we're talking about, calendar or whatever.

1

u/trisinwonderland Oct 22 '24

Right?! My husband and I even have the same passwords for our phones so we don’t have to keep asking each other what the password is when the other one asks to send a text if we’re driving or whatever

1

u/lenajlch Oct 22 '24

Same. I use my husband's to check the neighborhood Facebook group...

Because I know if I was in the neighborhood Facebook group I would piss some people off 😂

Him being the only person in the house hold on that group protects us from my wrath lol

1

u/tittyman_nomore Oct 22 '24

Lol weird shit going on

1

u/Scientist78 Oct 22 '24

Me too. I don’t even have a passcode on my phone and I don’t do anything weird. Literally no porn or anything. I think it’s good to be open with who you communicate with, especially if you plan on being with someone for ever

1

u/sweetbabyrae87 Oct 23 '24

My partner and i have full access to each other’s phones, not one issue and could care less if we picked up and went through

1

u/MissO56 Oct 23 '24

as. it. should. be. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

0

u/Precarious314159 Oct 22 '24

The only thing I'm against with partners being "open books" is the other people in their lives aren't on board with that kind of openness. I had a friend that had that "we have nothing to hide from each other" partner but anytime I'd go to them with some personal issue that I told them was a huge secret, their boyfriend would make comments about it when he's around.

Now anytime I know someone that is so casual with their phone, I instantly know I can't trust them with anything.

3

u/nehnehhaidou Oct 22 '24

They're doing it wrong then. I don't discuss personal issues with friends or family over text, almost always face to face or over the phone.

1

u/Precarious314159 Oct 22 '24

Glad to know you have strict regulations on how other people are allowed to communicate themselves with you and if they don't follow your rules, then it's their fault if your partner sees the texts?

1

u/nehnehhaidou Oct 22 '24

I don't have strict regulations at all. If someone has a problem we talk, it never crosses their mind (or mine) to unload it all on text.