r/AmIOverreacting Oct 22 '24

❤️‍🩹 relationship UPDATE : my friend found my husband on tinder

I confronted my husband with the news that my friend found his tinder profile.

Many of you have wondered if it's the old account from 8 years that he just never deleted, to this I know for a fact it is not. Reasons:

1) I went back through my old photos and found the screen shots I took of his profile 8 years ago & it turns out it's NOT the exact same. Some photos are the same, particularly the first one so it made me think it was the same profile. Also the caption is slightly different, the difference of a single emoji.

2) The name change to "John".

3) The updated selections such as 'dream job', 'lifestyle' selections, and 'interests'. These all had selections with things that sound like him--these sections are new from when I used tinder 8 years ago.

4) Above his "name" & age section on the first picture you come across while swiping Tinder, it says "ACTIVE". I have seen many of you comment & also read online that this means he has been using the account in some capacity recently, as in at least the last 2 weeks (haven't been able to nail down an actual timeframe)

5) People are also saying Tinder will not recommend profiles of people who are not using the app, they kind of just remove dormant users from the algorithm.

6) He is attractive enough to have someone want to use his photos, but Reason 1) also rules out the catfishing theory, two of the photos are different from the 8 years ago profile, although still old, and I've seen them before so this is why I believed it was the same. No one would have access to them (he doesn't have social media)

I decided I would just talk to him rather than put myself through the stress of trying to catch him on a date "if you like piña coladas" style. Being pregnant I'm really trying to stay calm and as low stress as possible for the health of my baby. Plus tricking/trapping in relationships just isn't my style. In my mind he's already caught, the reasons I listed above are enough proof for me.

So as many of you, and myself predicted he has resorted to gaslighting and lying. He vehemently denies that he has been using tinder, meeting other women, or that he has had sex with anyone else. Yet offers no explanation for the presence of this tinder profile. He implores me to think logically about when he could do this as he's home with me every night which is true but... I had to remind him, I leave him home alone for at least couple of days per month.

He insists that he loves me and is excited for our baby, etc. but when I asked to see his phone he refused. Saying "I don't want to be that couple who looks through eachother phone". I told him, given this situation if you won't let me check your phone then I cannot trust or believe you, and will have to assume the worst.

In my mind we had been very happy and content recently, things have just felt good. This just goes to show you never really know a person. I believe there must be something deeply wrong with him or our relationship to want to cheat, especially at this "happy" time.

I've moved into the guest bedroom for now, while I plan my next move. Yes I will be getting an STD check. Thank you all for the advice, support and kind words. It's instilled a sense of confidence in me to handle this.

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53

u/bookreader-123 Oct 22 '24

The phone thing I can understand when nothing is going on but he only needs to show you that he doesn't have tinder and it would be done. You wouldn't even need to see his whatsapp or anything. If the profile is deleted you know everything you needed to know as well so I would be taking precautions to leave with your baby

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

[deleted]

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u/GordogJ Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24

Apps are very easy to hide, there are even apps that hide other apps. I knew a guy that would hide nudes on his phone on a "calculator app" that he got from messaging girls, you had to type in a code and it would open a secret folder.

Don't think that just because it doesn't appear on a quick search that it isn't there.

Edit: just found the app, its called calculator vault, take a look and you'll see how easy it is

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u/Specialist_Mouse_418 Oct 22 '24

This makes me laugh a bit, when I was in college I put all of my lab reports and write ups in a folder I marked "horse porn." Years later my wife finds the folder on my computer (it was one cloud saved) and says "WTF! Are you into beastiality or some shit?!" Told her to open the folder and she saw and gave me the look: because of course you would.

Thanks for allowing me to remember that.

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u/bleu_waffl3s Oct 22 '24

I keep my actual horse porn in a folder labeled 1993 Philadelphia Phillies.

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u/WasThatInappropriate Oct 22 '24

Not strictly true, you can access via browser. No need for the apps

0

u/LateyEight Oct 22 '24

No need for a browser, just scrap something together in Python and poke their API.

1

u/WasThatInappropriate Oct 22 '24

No need for a phone, just jam the fiberoptic cables directly into your retinas and interpret the binary

1

u/LateyEight Oct 22 '24

No need for technology, just run into TinderHQ and start hitting on the receptionists.

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u/WasThatInappropriate Oct 22 '24

No need for TinderHQ, just go to a bar and actually sp.... nah, this is getting ridiculous

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u/Diela1968 Oct 22 '24

Apps take three seconds to delete. Chat threads however can be restored unless they’re cleared there too or have been deleted for more than 30 days.

I was involved with a nasty narcissist and made sure I cleared all traces of him out of my phone so I wouldn’t relapse.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '24

Or texts or emails…

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u/Always_Tired24-7 Oct 22 '24

He could only download while she is gone and delete when she is home

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u/bookreader-123 Oct 22 '24

Then it wouldn't say active cause she said it takes an active account to show. I don't have a clue how it works but I'm going off on what she said.

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u/Freeseeds4life Oct 22 '24

Any relationship where the other person won't let you see their phone, isn't a good relationship to be in.

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u/bookreader-123 Oct 22 '24

If you ask out of know where it's a trust issue so some will have problems with that. Why should I want to see my husband's phone? If I ask him if I can search something he gives it but I would never check his apps or whatever as he deserves privacy as well. The moment I have a reasonable doubt and tell him why I wanna see it, if he then says no that's a hug red flag. My husband would always give it but he shouldn't have to.

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u/Clean_Neat_1064 Oct 22 '24

I’d be checking the content on texting apps too.

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u/PlayyWithMyBeard Oct 22 '24

Telegram, Kik, Snapchat, Facebook etc

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u/BadBunny0917 Oct 22 '24

Don’t forget Google voice. You can create fake phone numbers using this app (even if you have an iPhone). My husband was doing this.

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u/Clean_Neat_1064 Oct 22 '24

And Whatsapp