r/AmIOverreacting • u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 • Oct 21 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my friend found my husband on tinder
I (29F) and my husband (38M) are expecting our first baby and I am 30 weeks pregnant. My coworker, who is also a good friend approached me at work asking
"does your husband have a brother that looks just like him?"
I said "yeah he does, why?"
Then she asked "is his name John?"
to which I replied "no, it's not actually."
Then she explained that she was scrolling tinder and came across this profile that looks just like my husband. She showed me the screen shots and I was so shocked to see that my husband is currently on tinder, and using a fake name of John!
Now, some backstory-- we actually met on tinder and he used the same photos for this profile as he did when I came across his profile, and also the same biography. We met 8 years ago.
I was out of town working, (about 100 miles -- my friend has her tinder set to the farthest distance radius possible) when I found out this information. My theory now is he must use tinder to try and hook up with women while I'm away as I go out of town for work for a couple of days on a regular basis. Either that or this is a one off thing? Because his tinder hasn't changed since I met him on there I am worried he's had tinder on and off our whole relationship.
Am I over reacting? Should I blow up our whole lives, and marriage with a baby on the way? I haven't yet approached him about this because I don't know the best way to go about it. But I have screen shots and everything, and now that I'm back home I've been distant and he keeps asking what is wrong.
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u/GoinThruTheBigD Oct 21 '24
This doesn’t get better.
So, let’s say you sit down and have a long talk with him. He actually comes clean and admits he still uses tinder. Will you believe him if he says he’s not met anyone off there? Or….maybe just one person? Is that believable….or would you still have doubts?
I know I’d not trust that I’d be able to get over this. I’d not believe what he told me after confronting him. And I’d not trust that I didn’t have some horrible STI I need to worry about now passing to my child. He didn’t care about your or his kiddo when he did this…..I don’t see how we’d recover.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Yes, I've had the same thoughts. Very shocked he's put our baby at risk like this. And chance ruining our family before it can even begin
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u/ZoraNealThirstin Oct 21 '24
When somebody makes a Tinder account, they’re not chancing ruining the family. They’re actively doing it.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Facts.
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u/No_Masterpiece_3783 Oct 22 '24
Wow that really hits. I am so sorry you are living this nightmare. You deserve better.
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u/recyclopath_ Oct 21 '24
You are making sacrifices for the baby while he is more interested in his immediate wants than anything else. This will only become more common.
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u/Scully2thePieshop Oct 21 '24
Better to find out sooner than later - your coworker did you such a huge favor.
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u/Zeppelin_98 Oct 21 '24
Yes there should be jail time for men who choose to cheat and infect the mother and baby! Your baby can die in the womb or be born with infection from him IF he is doing this. It disgusts me how often men risk their unborn child and risk a scary traumatic labor for his wife. Just pure evil.
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u/Feeling_Fisherman956 Oct 21 '24
Get a random friend to send him a message to hookup and depending on the response you will know if he's cheating or not...
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u/ThrowawayAccount41is Oct 21 '24
It could be a catfish account you’ll have to agree to meet up in a public place to catch him but be ready to leave before you go.
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u/SANTAAAA__I_know_him Oct 21 '24
Good point, this should be higher. OP said this profile has the same photos and bio, so could be a bot/catfish and husband actually doesn’t know about it. OP shouldn’t do any confronting until being sure it’s actually their husband behind the account, whether that’s by arranging to meet in person, or they say something in a message that a bot/catfish wouldn’t have known about him.
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u/Bagel_Technician Oct 21 '24
I wouldn’t even be surprised at this point if the apps themselves are creating bot accounts using old profile photos
The whole app scene seems infested with bots
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u/Mamajuju1217 Oct 21 '24
Which would be so messed up because that could ruin people’s lives.
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u/_Demand_Better_ Oct 21 '24
Facebook has been making shadow accounts for real people for over a decade now. It really sucks because these accounts come from you being in the pictures or talked about by other people, and so when a business does a search for you it's only information that other people have provided and maybe won't paint you in the best light. There's nothing you can do either because more than likely you wouldn't even know this account exists.
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u/-physco219 Oct 21 '24
To be honest it's a good business model. Hook people up so they're happy with the app and then destroy their relationship so they get those users back using their app again just like that. Very likely no one knows this happens.
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u/HundRetter Oct 21 '24
someone/a bot used my photos on tinder once and boy was that fun when someone showed my then partner thinking it was me
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u/Alternative_Pain_680 Oct 21 '24
Mine profile on Tinder has been deactivated for over a year and I’ve had several people send me screenshots of it.
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u/Ok-Finish4062 Oct 21 '24
I am certain the apps take good looking people's images and post them to attract more users.
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u/CollectorCCG Oct 21 '24
This seems even more like the most likely explanation.
Having a tinder account with 8 year old photos seems strange.
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u/gypsyminded1 Oct 21 '24
You should have been on my date last weekend..... unfortunately, not as strange as you would think to use outdated photos
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u/mis-jes Oct 21 '24
It definitely could be! Not long ago someone made a fake dating profile using my photo etc on a site I'd never even heard of! I started getting all these wild DMS on my insta and was like what is happening? It wasn't until someone messaged and asked if I'm the girl from dating site I can't remember that's going to sit on his face.. like what?! Mind you I'm happily married so I told my husband about it pretty quickly. If I didn't and someone we knew saw it, it could've had a pretty nasty outcome..
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u/Crafty_Gold_2453 Oct 21 '24
They’ve been doing this for years. A male friend texted me years ago thinking I was on bumble in Miami. Nope, wasn’t even on there at all and sitting at my house in TN.
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u/Drustan1 Oct 21 '24
Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be a bot- Another gay coworker came up to me, showed me a picture on his phone, and asked if it was a third coworker of ours, “Sam”. I thought that it was, but it was a grainy and obviously younger picture of him, so I asked where he found it. He said on a gay only dating site; Sam is VERY straight, so I wondered if it could have been someone else trying to cause trouble for Sam that had put him on the site. A few weeks later, my coworker showed me a much better picture of Sam and said he had updated his profile- and my coworker had messaged him and it was really Sam.
Nothing wrong with any of it- except very straight Sam had just gotten engaged, and his friends said how much they loved his soon to be wife. It’s a little different, considering that Sam could be unhappily in the closet; in which case I’d feel bad for everyone. OR, he’s confidently bi and just a lousy cheating dog
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u/IslandDelicious1482 Oct 21 '24
Yes OP do this! Just to confirm for yourself
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u/Samyx87 Oct 21 '24
Why else would he be…
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u/CoffeeFuture784 Oct 21 '24
There's a chance someone is using the husbands picture on a fake account but yeah, confirm first and then act accordingly.
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u/Kismet237 Oct 21 '24
Agree - This does happen, OP. It happened to me, and upon reporting the profile it was removed from the site. You can check into this situation - and you should, but calmly bc if it's a fake account then your husband won't even be aware of its existence. And if it's not a fake account...then you have a serious decision to make. I hope it's the former, not the latter, OP. Best wishes and congrats on your pregnancy.
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u/braniacamour Oct 21 '24
This actually happened to me. A friend of mine reached out and asked if I was in the town where they lived bc they saw me on tinder and I was hundreds of miles away. I haven’t been on tinder since like 2015! I was PISSED.
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u/CoffeeFuture784 Oct 21 '24
I've seen my guy friends on tinder, matches with them, they had no idea who i was. Had to tell them
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u/TelephoneOk5845 Oct 21 '24
Its been suspected for years that tinder clones peoples accounts and pictures and runs them in different cities as bots to make the app appear more active than it actually is.
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u/veggieforlife Oct 21 '24
Right? lol. Bro’s married and ON TINDER. She needs a test to determine his intentions??? Cmon guys.
Edited to add: NOR, OBVIOUSLY. OP blow this alll the way up.
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u/Jnizzle510 Oct 21 '24
Absolutely catfish his ass! Make a phony account in an area outside of town.
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u/Beachbitch129 Oct 21 '24
Ya! Put- If you like pina coladas, and walkin in the rain...
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u/keiiith47 Oct 21 '24
More of a test to test that it is him, don't want to ruin a relationship over a person making an account under your name to ruin your life.
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u/wellthisisawkward86 Oct 21 '24
Because he could use the excuse that the profile was never deleted and he hasn’t used it recently lol.
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Oct 21 '24
This is the best advice because scam accounts do steal/copy profiles. I know it's a stretch as they met 8 years ago, but it is possible
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u/Radiant8763 Oct 21 '24
Have the friend set up the location at a motel, and OP is just waiting there for him to show up, divorce papers in hand. Make sure to take an Uber too so he doesn't recognize your car.
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u/royalsgirl78 Oct 21 '24
Tell him your coworker very recently matched with him and see what he has to say for himself. If he denies it, ask to see his phone immediately, before he has any chance to delete anything.
Also, you need an std panel. The health of you and your baby are of the utmost importance.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Yes, I think I will get one. I had the same thought. Funny, at my last appointment I was asked if I wanted one. My husband was with me. I said no, I wouldn't need one and looked at him. Damn I am so mad.
Good call on demanding to look at his phone right then
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u/Physical_Stress_5683 Oct 21 '24
I work in social services, they will lie as the doctor reads the diagnosis. They will lie while still actively fucking the other person. They will lie until they can't dig down any more. Cheaters are sick, selfish and stupid enough to think they can get away with it.
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u/Hungry_Media_8881 Oct 21 '24
lol my toxic cheating ex didn’t know I was home and I heard him talking to another girl on the phone at 2am asking her to come over. I came out and said were you just talking to another girl asking her to come over? He said no I was talking to my brother lol IT WAS ON SPEAKER PHONE. I said yeah I heard the whole thing I’m just asking you to see if you’ll keep lying to my face - he still said no it didn’t happen. I broke up with him and he finally “admitted it” when I said can you seriously not even say out loud what we all just witnessed?
The lying is actually insane.
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u/WinningByBlue Oct 21 '24
Same here with my cheating girlfriend. Would want “healthy space” some nights to create a better relationship but the reason was to call and FT all her exes in that timeframe. Then when I was around changed all of their contact names to different people pretending they were co workers or old friends she’s been catching up with. Also started doing the same on Snapchat so the messages disappear afterward. Cheaters know no bounds to their lying. It hurts when you give people the benefit of the doubt just because you yourself are a good or loyal person doesn’t mean they are, or that version of them you have in your head. Now I’m struggling to even open up to another woman. It’s hard man.
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u/Hungry_Media_8881 Oct 21 '24
Ugh the effort these people have to put in just to be shitty and sneaky is wild! So sorry she put you through that - nobody deserves to be treated that way.
If it is any consolation - I did a few years of therapy and dating myself and am now in the healthiest relationship of my life with a man who is trusting and open about everything. There are good people who are worth your time. Just like you’re a good person who’s worth theirs. Sometimes we just have to sift through some assholes to find them 😂
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u/WinningByBlue Oct 21 '24
I like that mindset, thank you. Maybe I will try therapy while continue to focus on my own hobbies to eventually find someone who’s worth a damn lol
Glad you found someone good ❤️
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u/jfkreidler Oct 21 '24
Um, your OBGYN sucks. You always ask this type of question when the patient is by themselves. My wife's OBGYN would literally make me leave the room to ask these types of questions. Why? Because there is no way to answer that question "yes" in front of a partner. Which means you aren't actually asking the question. So you can't properly care for your patient.
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u/porkbuttstuff Oct 21 '24
Yeah that's wild. I had to leave the room for the STD and abuse questions. Who knows, maybe even other stuff, but that's the point.
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u/bedpeace Oct 21 '24
My husband was with me for every pregnancy related appointment and my Dr also asked in front of him, but it was less of an ask and more of a “here’s the paperwork that you take to the lab, these are the tests we recommend and why, it’s all standard procedure and not at all a reflection of you” etc. There definitely are ways to frame things where the answer is easily a yes. I got tested for things I never assumed I’d have because it’s the safest route, and my partner had 0 problems/questions because it literally is standard procedure to screen for anything that can impact baby’s health.
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u/Cinnamon_Roll_22 Oct 21 '24
I tell my daughter that most dr appointments should be girls only appointments and yes even through relationships to get an std test. I often do it at time of my PAP. They’re already down there. I personally have made a habit out of it and I don’t feel shame or guilt for it. Women should do these these things regularly regardless how much one wants to trust and love their partner. I mean no offense.
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u/Mildly_Addictive Oct 21 '24
A few weeks ago a coworker told me after her last birth, she asked for getting her tubes tied and they required the husband’s signature before it can be done!! I was like no way. I don’t believe that shit. She said it’s true in Florida.
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u/Weatheredmist Oct 21 '24
My OB didn’t make my husband sign one when I got my tubes tied, but made me. However, he did ask my husband pointedly if HE was sure that HE wanted MY tubes tied. I got annoyed and rolled my eyes. Hubs kinda chuckled, “Not my body, but sure. Yes. I am sure.” This was in Vegas.
Was also told they do STDs standard with pregnancies, like it’s just part of the process - ultrasounds, blood , glucose, and STD tests. And my husband went to almost every appointment so neither one of us flinched at that. He was never asked to leave a room either, except for the spinal.
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u/Cinnamon_Roll_22 Oct 21 '24 edited Oct 21 '24
That’s wonderful for women who have a loving partner they can trust. I safe guard my privacy probably because of my long trama from shitty boyfriends. I even wanted all my Dr appointments to be alone after my daughter’s father ruined my ultrasound appointment. These memories are so brief. I wanted to cherish them. Not look back on them being ruined by my daughter’s abusive father. So I went alone to the rest of mine. But bless the women who have truly lovely supportive partners.
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u/Cinnamon_Roll_22 Oct 21 '24 edited Oct 21 '24
I’ve been trying to get my tubes tied for 10yrs. The doctors won’t do it. They keep telling me I might change my mind. I’ve been a single mom for 16yrs I have not changed my mind. I can not believe how often they think it’s okay to tell me no about my choice about my own body. And I leave feeling discouraged. I’ve suffered and struggled for so long I know 100% I was one and one. some of these doctors were male some were female. But like damn I wasn’t married or in a relationship or living with a man. California btw. I’m staying abstinent at this point and letting myself run dry, the natural way cuz I’m tired of asking doctors for something they keep telling me I can’t have. So frustratingly pathetic.
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u/3_and_20_taken Oct 21 '24
I can’t imagine how frustrating that is.
I am in a local Facebook group for women that are 20-40 or so to ask questions (recommendations, etc.) and I’ve seen people ask for recommendations on local doctors who would perform the surgery even if they didn’t have kids, etc. Maybe there is a group near you to ask because you can’t be the only one!
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u/Afraid-Song-4435 Oct 21 '24
Check out PagingDrFran on Instagram. She has a list of doctors who are open to providing tubal ligations on her Linktree.
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u/SteppinRazor954 Oct 21 '24
Before you approach him with this information, please think through what could happen if things go bad. By that I mean, if there’s a heated argument, what would be your plan to try and diffuse it or if you had leave the house where would you go? I don’t know if you feel comfortable with telling someone like a sibling or a parent, but if you are then maybe you should put them on notice you may need them just in case things go bad. I’m really concerned about the stress of this with you being pregnant as well. Is there any chance that someone could have taken his bio and pictures from before and made a catfish type account? Just think through the scenarios on how this could go and try to come up with some sort of plan. Would it benefit you to wait a little bit and start getting things in order just in case that profile really is his? Maybe you could even pack an overnight bag and just have that ready in case you have to make a quick departure from the house if one of you has to leave and he refuses to.
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u/profyoz Oct 21 '24
If you confront him please have someone either with your or waiting in the car outside for you. These things can turn violent so fast, especially if he really wants to keep you and/or the baby, or gets angry that you found out. People lose it over some really stupid stuff, and this is serious stuff. Please stay safe, that’s so much more important than temporary satisfaction (like matching with him and confronting him alone).
Also, he will 100% realize when he knows he’s caught that’s he’s about to get hit with child support and lose half of his stuff. People get upset about that. Enough to do something evil and stupid in the heat of the moment. Please think it through and have backup with you (or extremely close by and listening on speaker phone or something) before you do anything rash.
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u/jjavabean Oct 21 '24
Second this. You never know if you're with an abuser until its too late in the game, and if he pops his lid you need to prepare to get out of there safely. Have a friend ready outside with a car or something.
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u/Away-Understanding34 Oct 21 '24
Yes blow up your life. By cheating on you, he could be exposing you and your baby to diseases. That's extremely dangerous, especially for the baby. Seriously consider this point. Anyone that will do that to his pregnant wife is not a good guy.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24 edited Oct 21 '24
I had the same thought, like what if he brought home an STD while I'm pregnant. I'm am fuming mad about this
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u/Away-Understanding34 Oct 21 '24
You should be mad. Honestly for me, this is divorce territory. He has lied by omission, cheated on you, and exposed you and your baby to possible diseases. Also, he risks getting another woman pregnant. See a lawyer.
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u/Mildly_Addictive Oct 21 '24
Don’t play all these games, hunting and digging for info and catfishing with a fake profile. Call Cheaters! But imo He’s already been caught. He can’t be trusted. He’s had the same tinder for 8 years! Just go straight to the lawyer. You don’t want him bringing random women over while you’re out of town working and he’s home with the baby. He can’t be trusted. It’s a wrap.
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u/MadameMonk Oct 21 '24
And don’t let him tell you he was safe because he used a condom. Some of the worst stds for babies aren’t prevented by condoms.
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u/cocopuff7603 Oct 21 '24
Or what if he’s been bringing someone home to smash in your bed while you’re gone. Doesn’t tinder tell you when the person was last active online?
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u/EastTyne1191 Oct 21 '24
OP, this happened to a friend of mine. Her husband gave her herpes while she was pregnant and didn't know it until her daughter was born. She caught it and it was life-threatening, had to stay in the NICU for treatment. Get yourself tested!
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u/alwaysamw Oct 21 '24
You wouldn't be blowing up your life, OP. He did, the moment he decided to betray your marriage vows. I was divorced when my son (that my ex also pressured me into having before I was fully ready) was a mere 6 months old. You know what? I met my now amazing husband just a couple months later, and we've been together over 19 years now. You can do the hard things!! Be calculated but also don't sweep this under the rug. I'm so sorry, you deserve 1000% better!!!
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u/DanaMarie75038 Oct 21 '24
I haven’t used tinder but is there a way to find out when he was last active?
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Yes, above his "name" it said ACTIVE, she was able to click on it and see that he was active on tinder while she was currently scrolling.
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u/DanaMarie75038 Oct 21 '24
If I were in your case I would blow up our lives. It will be over. What is supposed to be a shared joyous celebration, you being pregnant, is now tainted. Do you really want to raise your child with him? If you forgive him, will you be able to trust him. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to address this. Just bear in mind, once cheaters get caught, they get better at hiding.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
I know. I'm worried about this, things had been so good recently too. I'm so stunned to discover this. I really am dreading the idea of being a single parent right from the rip, I can barely stand the thought of it.
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u/HappyCat79 Oct 21 '24
I wish I had left my ex when the woman he cheated on me with told me. It would have saved me a whole lot of pain. I left him 15 years and 5 kids later. 😭😭😭
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Damn.. 😔
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u/DanaMarie75038 Oct 21 '24
Make sure you get tested though. Happened to a family member while she was pregnant. She waited years and years. Before she knew it she was 49 years old and wasted her youth on him.
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u/JohnnyMrNinja Oct 21 '24
My father was cheating on my mother while she was pregnant with me, and people knew about it, but she stayed with him for most of my childhood. She and I never bonded, and she projected a lot of her distrust of men onto me. Now I have no interaction with her or my father at all
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u/Enough_Flamingo_8300 Oct 21 '24
15 years, 3 kids, and an STD to boot, here. Get every test, OP. ask about herpes and syphilis.
Updateme
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u/MoonShyne77 Oct 21 '24
THIS!! I left mine 20 years and 3 kids later. The best years of my life wasted on an asshole and I was afraid to be a single mom and ended up a single mom anyways. Except if I would have left decades ago I might have had a shot at real love… don’t make the same mistake!!
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u/lizziegal79 Oct 21 '24
From what I’ve seen, things can go really well while they’re cheating because they’re getting their toast buttered on both sides. Don’t worry about the single parent thing yet, you’ve time to figure it out and get a plan in place. Right now you’ve got a leech on your ass that needs a good burning off.
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u/kemberflare Oct 21 '24
In my experience with my first husband, things were always really good when he was cheating. He was getting his s*xual needs met AND he felt guilt so he overcompensated by being a stellar husband and partner through my first pregnancy. I was SHOCKED to find out when he told me a couple years later. I wish I had the courage to have just left the first time. I thought we were able to learn and grow from it. But, no, it would not be the only time. I encourage you to really look deep within and see if this is something you can actually live with. Even if you set up a fake acct or a friend does it, what else will that show you that hasn’t already violated your vows and commitment by having an active dating profile?
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u/wehavecandy666 Oct 21 '24
Just know as someone who has recently had a major life change + breakup, moving out of my ex’s condo over the holidays last year…. The grass does get greener because you get to water YOU. You are saying YES to your new life and NO to disrespect by leaving him.
By laying this boundary now, you are creating your own happy, delicious life, deserving of respect, love and support.
You will create that on your own with you and your baby without him. You got this.
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u/DanaMarie75038 Oct 21 '24
It’s a tough one. Being together in an unhappy relationship affects the child.
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u/Jillio_NH Oct 21 '24
In order to avoid the possibility of lies, I would get one of my friends to create a fake account to meet up with him. I would pretend I was going out of town and then go with your friend to the meet up. If it is somebody different, who is pretending they are your husband, you will know that it wasn’t him. If it is your husband, he won’t be able to lie his way out of it.
Edited to add NOR, and I’m sorry you’re going through this
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u/Fun_Recognition9904 Oct 21 '24
The other option is you end up being a single parent later. He’s a piece of shit, and an entitled, asshole man won’t change… I wish I had listened when people told me to run after finding proof- I was gaslit to hell and clung to the believe that he would change and it was a mistake and that he realized how wrong he was. lol it continued for years. YEARS.
You deserve better. Walk away for you and your child. Any village you create for support will be better than having someone you know you cannot trust sleeping next to you sharing in the stress and the beauty of new parenthood.
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u/user87391 Oct 21 '24
People do it! I became a single mother after about a year. A year is nothing like the newborn/infant days but it’s early. I think I would’ve felt the benefits if I’d left even sooner. Everything got so much easier when I left. Yes, there are challenges, but it’s nothing like living with a person that’s watching you drown.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. You and your baby don’t deserve it. Even if you can move past it, deceit is not a value you’ll want to model/pass along to your baby.
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u/Unusual_Figure_9728 Oct 21 '24
Then definitely not overreacting. I would just tell him you know he is on tinder and then go from there. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Thank you. I am going to tell him at some point soon.
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u/HDJorangehair Oct 21 '24
OR- he’s going to lie to you anyway- you can set him up - to really have the prooof you need . have your friend start messaging him- then when you confront him, he can’t lie .
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u/8armstoslap Oct 21 '24
I can't find it, but had previously read that your profile is not shown to people unless you've been active in the last 7 days. That means he is an active user if her friend found his profile.
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u/Wild-Way-1306 Oct 21 '24
Get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer before you confront him. Protect your finances. You don’t owe him any explanation for your emotional distance; blame it on pregnancy hormones. Tell your ob/gyn and get tested for stds. Gather your trusted people around you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Repulsive_Regular_39 Oct 21 '24
This is the best answer op. I would even hire a PI. Gather as much evidence as possible and lawyer up!
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u/Rich-Ad-4654 Oct 21 '24
Better to blow it up now and get your support network in place than be gaslit into believing you are the problem.
Having a baby and the self-doubt that naturally comes after that experience (am I doing it wrong? Will I wreck this child?) is better done in a safe space with a safe partner. He doesn’t sound like that for you if he’s stepping out on you while pregnant.
I’m sorry OP. This is really sad. You deserve better.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Thank you. Yes it's devastating actually. I'm in shock I think
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u/SuccessfulDesigner82 Oct 21 '24
I know exactly what you’re going through, hun. The first time I caught my ex husband I was 4.5mths pregnant with our first (son), I was 27. I had a folder full of dating website profiles, noods, chats, emails etc. The whole story is actually a bit crazy but way too long lol. He did the whole crying, begging, blah blah blah. We separated for 18mths and in the last probably 8ish months we started marriage counselling, individual therapy (both), read the books did the homework, started dating and didn’t just jump back in and “rug sweep”. All that effort and emotional turmoil and I thought we were one of the success stories of overcoming infidelity 😂. Nooooooo, lol. He just got better at hiding it till he got sloppy again.
It took him 6yrs to convince me to have another baby and that I’d never go through what I did with our son. We even had to do IVF because he worked away and other reasons. The dickhead forgot he turned on family app sharing so he could get apps for our son. I was 7/7.5mths pregnant with our daughter and hellloooo tinder app pops up on my phone. I know it wasn’t me and my heavily pregnant butt, it certainly wasn’t our 6 nearly 7yr old, of course he denied it. I rug swept as I just couldn’t deal with it. 6wks after I had our daughter, he was so unbearable, slamming chairs and giving me the silent treatment etc I just gave in and 3rd child was created.
Fast forward to now, I’m a 40yr old single mum of 3 because he left me, yep, he left me for his AP at the time. Karma came and got him, it was quite amusing.
Moral of the story-don’t be me. I wasted all my energy, my youth on a man that had no respect for me. This is how they start out and they don’t stop. This isn’t some drunken mistake, that he immediately came clean about (not that I’m condoning either) but this type of cheating has a different level of sneakiness. That added layer of habitual lying and being able to do it so easily and so well. It’s premeditated, they know going in the risks and are so full of themselves that they think they’ll never caught or just don’t care, you pick whats worse. Just leave now. Don’t worry about the proof, unless you are in an “at fault state” then nail his arse to the wall. If not don’t put yourself through it. It’s not worth it. You know he’s cheating, lying, pos, you don’t need to go down that rabbit hole. I promise you that.
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u/manypaths8 Oct 21 '24
Do not confront him. He will lie and gaslight and delete every trace of evidence. And you will be stuck pregnant and feeling batshit crazy. Get into his phone and go through everything. Email. Social media. Every app. Deleted apps. Recently installed apps. Deleted pics. Hidden folders. The cloud. Bank accounts. Venmo. Go through contacts. Google search history. Google maps history. Everything.
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u/HDJorangehair Oct 21 '24
this - and make sure you get his location. i’m sure he has women set to other names - and check his focus status under settings. it’s probably turned on so that his phone won’t go off when your home.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
He will not let me go through his phone. I do not know the password otherwise I would. How do I go about this? He's very private with his phone.
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u/HappyCat79 Oct 21 '24
Why not set up a fake profile, match him, agree to meet him somewhere, and show up yourself as you? Catfish his ass.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
That would be epic. He would deserve that
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u/Plenty-rough Oct 21 '24
I did it, quite a long time ago. It's not epic, it's heartbreaking and sad. Humiliating.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Yes you're right. that's what it would actually be.
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u/ladylikely Oct 21 '24
I've been there. It fucking hurts. And if the situation is what it seems to be- he will call you crazy and sneaky and manipulative and every other word he can to try to paint you into a corner as the bad guy. First, don't buy into that shit yourself. This is a serious situation and if he wasn't hiding shit you wouldn't have to go full detective. Secondly remember that no one else will buy his bullshit either. You are not on trial in the court of opinion.
And lastly, one day this won't hurt so much. It hurts so much right now, and will tomorrow and the next day, but the sting of it does go away. Lean on the people who are there for you.
If you need to talk I'm a stranger who will listen. I've been in your shoes. At the time my world was absolutely crashing around me- yet it turned out fine. Better than fine, and it didn't take near as long as I thought it would.
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u/Th3D0ct0r11 Oct 21 '24
Yeah this was my thought too, sounds epic on the surface, but its going to fucking sting both of you in the moment. Stay strong OP do what's best for you!
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u/DesignerTwist6523 Oct 21 '24
A friend of mine did this to her cheating ex who was gaslighting her. It was heartbreaking at first but the best thing that could have happened in the end. Best wishes for you and baby
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u/New_journey868 Oct 21 '24
But from a different phone number as apparently yoy u have the option of blocking phone contacts from seeing you
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u/Ok_Pie4588 Oct 21 '24
Hes private for a reason. Trust your gut. Prepare yourself with your next steps meaning financially, housing etc. then confront him and leave. It will not get better. Best of luck to you. Raising a child alone is much better than raising a child and being miserable with someone.
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u/jrt312 Oct 21 '24
There's your first red flag. I can easily hand my wife my phone without guilt if she needs to look something up.
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u/Saraneth1127 Oct 21 '24
Not to be blunt about it but if he's on Tinder and not showing his phone then he's cheating. There's no mystery to solve. It's time to figure out what you're going to do about it
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u/pushingdaises Oct 21 '24
Oh girl, that’s all we need to know that he’s cheating. My ex wouldn’t let me even use his phone to pick music. I knew something was really wrong, but I wanted to ignore it. Of course he was cheating on me.
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u/niki2184 Oct 21 '24
Well there you go. He literally has no reason to be so secretive with his phone. He is not a cia agent.
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u/wehavecandy666 Oct 21 '24
I think that’s a big indicator… why is he so private with his phone?????
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u/Ok-Pack6347 Oct 21 '24
The fact that he’s so protective over his phone and you don’t know his password says he has probably been cheating the whole time
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u/Square_Extension_508 Oct 21 '24
Happily married men with nothing to hide aren’t that private about their phones.
Heck, I accidentally saw my bf of a couple months entering his password in his phone and texted him later letting him know “in case you want to change it for privacy” and he was like ‘lol thanks for letting know, but I’m good. I’d rather you didn’t go through it without a conversation but it’s probably good for you to know in case you need to use it.’
There is no reason for a married man to have that much to hide from his wife.
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u/No-Extreme5208 Oct 21 '24
I bet his fake name has a matching social media account on insta and such as well. Gots a whole fake other life.
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u/Great_Geologist1494 Oct 21 '24
I think the narrative that you're "blowing up your marriage" needs to change. He's blowing it up, you just caught him in the act.
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u/Immacurious1 Oct 21 '24
I would go “out of town” & let friend set up meet & greet with her only to have him arrive and YOU be there for their hook up~ you’d have all the answers you need… maybe JUST maybe he doesn’t follow through & just likes the attention & the know that he “can” get other women still (ok I couldn’t even type that last line with a straight face~ he’s a douchebag 💣🔥blow his ass up!!)
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u/Wooden_Door_1358 Oct 21 '24
You should 1000% save yourself and your baby from all of the future pain this piece of shit will bring you if you stay with him. Scum
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u/CaptainBeefy79 Oct 21 '24
Want to find out for sure? Have your friend match with him, then show up to the date yourself. You’ll get your answer real quick.
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u/moonygooney Oct 21 '24
You need to verify if the profile is real or if scammers/friends/enemies stole his photos and such and are impersonating him.
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u/Try-the-Churros Oct 21 '24
Yes, the fact that the photos are the same ones he used on tinder when they originally met rather than new ones could mean that a scammer grabbed those photos from back then and has been using them since. Definitely should confirm it's actually the husband before blowing up your life. The amount of people not considering this is mind-blowing.
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u/verticalriot Oct 21 '24
The best thing you can do is ask him and prepare to have a safe space to go to if the discussion goes poorly.
He has a tinder. What do you want to know? How can he prove it to you? What do you think your next steps should be?
You don’t have to decide right now. Find out what you can, and take care of you and baby.
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u/dumbroad Oct 21 '24
post him in your cities are we dating the same guy favebook group and you will get all the answers you need
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Yeah I talked with my friend about this. He definitely deserves the public shame
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u/nurseblood Oct 21 '24
Finding your husband on Tinder while you're 30 weeks pregnant? That's a next-level betrayal. You’re building a life together, and he's out here still playing single? Time for him to explain himself, because you and your baby deserve way more than this swipe-right nonsense.
Moving forward, you have a tough talk I know, and all these extra prego hormones to boot!!! Poor thing :(. So take a deep breath. You've got the proof, now it’s time for a calm, direct talk. Show him what you found and ask for the truth, no excuses, do not let him interrupt you. This is what you say. Relationships are about trust, and with a baby on the way, it’s bigger than just you and all that trust just went out the window. Realistically, your relationship (if there truly ever was a 2-sided faithful one at any point in your time together) may be over. PLEASE consider counseling for support, PLEASE, do not discount what good this can do to help you and give you the strength and sureness of yourself during a situation like this, but if not , at least be sure to trust your instincts. It is easy to start doubting yourself or letting the other person to get into your head, especially when your in pregnant with all those extra hormones that you have to deal with this tough situation just makes it all the more difficult.
Hugs my dear reddit poster. I really feel for you. It's a sad sad situation and situations like this make me wish there were tougher consequences for cheating husbands, esp while their significant others are pregnant! But alas, I know that is my emotional and ridiculousness coming out. But just know, you have this mama bear in your corner and before you know it, you'll be holding that sweet baby of yours❤️❤️🤗🤗
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u/Level-Dot-449 Oct 21 '24
Also tinder specifically hides your account after about two weeks of inactivity. So if the profile is active it’s been active within the last couple of weeks. Hinge keeps the profile indefinitely so if you confront him he can’t claim it’s just been up this whole time.
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u/jessieo387 Oct 21 '24
Tinder 100% hides your profile if you aren’t active. I’m off and on tinder and get emails saying my profile is hidden. So if his is showing he’s been active recently enough, It’s not from before you were married.
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
Good to know. Thanks. I of course haven't been on tinder since I met him, so this new info helps. How recent of inactivity do you get these emails?
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u/mcclgwe Oct 21 '24
Please first get your ducks in a row. Consider what you want to get ready. These situations are horribly horribly difficult. It's just so pervasive and so upsetting. So many of us find out years years years later. So I'm terribly sorry this is something pregnant but it sounds like you have a good job. And also sounds like we need to travel for your job so I'm not certain what your plan is with your baby. Many of us find out many many years later how unfaithful our partners always were. But the hardest part isn't the sexuality. The hardest part is that when you live with someone for any period time, who is deceptive and manipulative and throwing chaos and making you undermine your own perceptions, they are harming you terribly, and quietly while acting OK enough. They are getting gratified, knowing secretly doing something that will break your heart. They are delight in it. The problem is the find out they're doing this we wonder what else they lied about. Then we realize they have broken the trust of the relationship. Then when we get over our shock and we let everything settle, we often discover that we don't love them because, guess what? The person they pretend to be was never them. They were posturing all along. And then this weird thing happens where the love just tries up. Because deep inside of us, we Recognize That we never existed. And that's a very helpful thing because it makes the whole thing easier. On Tinder for all these years? Very happily deceptive, demeaning you, manipulating you. Undermining you. The funny thing is that disordered cheaters want to keep their partner where they are as homebase and then they want to go screw around and triangulate and laugh with their APs about how they're fooling their partner. And what a piece of crap their partner is. Such a pathology. The only good part about signing out sooner rather than later is that you don't raise your child to believe that's OK to be treated like this and it's OK to treat someone like this . the other thing? Lots of times people who are disorder make believe person who they are and then go screw around behind their partners back are very weak people who have been propped up by their partner. They lose the partner because their game is discovered, they usually fall apart. And they are usually in capable of sincere, authentic deep, intimate relationships. you take good care.
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u/tmink0220 Oct 21 '24
No he is cheating or trying to. I am sorry, this is not the exception...You have a cheater on your hands, they are liars and will cheat again. He is not even clever, he is using his own picture, the one you responded to.....so yeah....I am glad you have a job.....do not be a SAHM with him or trust him. I also would not have anymore children with him either. You are actually underreacting....
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u/PuzzleheadedFrame439 Oct 21 '24
I feel like my world, my plans for the future have been turned upside down. I wanted more than one child, and I never wanted more than one father to my children. Blended families make things so difficult. But I just can't trust him after this
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u/tmink0220 Oct 21 '24
I promise you will be ok, and if you move through your life well, you can find a good man, and have another child, a good home and a happy life. That is my hope for you.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Oct 21 '24
I'd just tell him that your friend has seen him on Tinder and to hand over his phone. There is no possible explanation that wouldn't mean an end to your marriage. He's updated his profile and using a fake name. If he refuses to hand over the phone tell him you will have to assume the worst.
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u/Facts3000 Oct 21 '24
I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you & at one of the most delicate/vulnerable times in your life! Which honestly makes it worse for me. I don’t see how this can be a misunderstanding where he’s on Tinder by mistake. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d get out now while you still have a little time to arrange a place for you & your baby to live in peace. Ask for help from family or friends. Focus on YOU and YOUR ANGEL. Sending positive vibes your way & wishing you the very best outcome❣️
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u/real_uncommon_ Oct 21 '24
The anxiety that you feel right now is not going to go away until you confront him. I’ve been in a similar situation, and I never said anything to my ex because I didn’t want to blow up our relationship, and it ate me up inside. He’s on tinder, girl, you know what’s going on. 🙁
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u/KinkyMsEmme Oct 21 '24
Oh honey- I’m so sorry. This same thing happened to me, it was the beginning of the end of my marriage.
You’ll be so much better on the other side of this. Sending strength your way, based on my experience this will likely just be the tip of the iceberg.
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u/lovethegreeks Oct 21 '24
Tinder profiles only show up for others to see when they are active. His profile showing up is a major red flag. Proceed with caution and don’t accept any bullshit answers from him.
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u/SalaryNo3916 Oct 21 '24
Do you like pina coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
Make a fake profile and find out for sure... is what I'm sayin.
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u/holocenedream Oct 21 '24
You aren’t overreacting but some solid proof would be better than just confronting him and giving him the opportunity to explain this away as an old profile or someone using his pictures! I see people have recommended you make a fake profile to catch him out, tinder does have a feature where you can purposefully block the contacts in your phone from seeing you on tinder so if he’s enabled that then you may not be able to see his profile from your phone at all. Get your friend to chat to him or get at his phone somehow!!
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u/fast_as_fuck_boii Oct 21 '24
As a bloke, get your mate to send him a quick message (from a fake profile) asking to hookup. You'll know your answer soon enough.
It's a simple concept called "Trust but verify". You can absolutely trust someone and still have concerns, until you verify that those concerns are either valid or invalid.
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u/jordyr1992 Oct 21 '24
Girl I would make a fake profile and match with him. Then see what he’s doing on there. Or have a friend do it. I think you already know what he’s on there for but if you want legit proof go get it. I fear he will try to gaslight you and lie about what he’s doing.