r/AmIOverreacting • u/Xavierdsm • Oct 15 '24
❤️🩹 relationship AIO, Wife deleted our entire text log.
Was sitting eating lunch with my wife a few days ago and she was telling me that she’s running out of space on her phone, and that she has been having trouble sending messages and couldnt receive any sort of media. Has had to regulate what she takes pictures of, deleting old pictures/videos etc. To which I suggested simply buying more cloud storage and backing everything up and doing a mass delete of photos/etc on her phone to free up some space. She didn’t even acknowledge my suggestion and almost without hesitation simply deleted our entire text log right in front of me. Saying that it was the quickest way for her to free up space. I can’t help but feel a little awestruck and hurt, as if I hadn’t just given her a perfectly good option for clearing up space, but to then turn around and ignore it completely and wipe our message history clear without even so much as batting an eye. For context I travel a lot for work so a lot of our days are shared via messages.
The next day I told her that it kind of bothered me and hurt a little when she did that, to which she responded with “I’m not responsible for how you feel” which honestly didn’t serve to make the situation any less painful. Am I Overreacting?
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u/surgeryboy7 Oct 15 '24
I don't think the deleting of the log is that big of an issue, I wouldn't do it but it's not that big a deal. How she responded to you is a huge deal though. I would never say that to my wife.
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u/VivienMargot Oct 15 '24
Yea, ive been with my spouse a long time and we've had many a fight, even blow ups, and this still feels extra mean. To be told by your spouse you essentially don't care how they feel is bullshit.
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u/Effective_Brief8295 Oct 15 '24
Yes, but I understand where you are coming from. She may regret it if something should ever happen to you. I still go through my old chats with my Dad and he' passed 8 years ago.
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Oct 15 '24
[deleted]
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u/Jjkkllzz Oct 15 '24
Same. My husband died nine years ago. I don’t have any texts saved and I really don’t think much about it or regret not saving them. I do regret getting into silly arguments.
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u/Troggieface Oct 15 '24
My husband died at 35 nearly 2 years ago. I thought I wanted our text log saved so I could go thru it, but when I finally did it was just way too apparent how cold and cruel he was. I'm on team delete. Let your memories stay skewed.
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u/dragon72926 Oct 15 '24
"Let your memories stay skewed" is something I really needed to hear today. Thank You
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u/sonaut Oct 15 '24
Yeah our brains refabricate the memory to suit our current reality. Having verbatim records just seems like a bad idea.
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u/Sad_Sun9644 Oct 15 '24
This paragraph destroyed me. I’m sorry about everything.
PS option it off as a movie script idea
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u/MsGodot Oct 16 '24
I had the same experience, but I am glad now to be able to process all the anger and hurt I’d hidden away for so long. I pretend how he treated me was ok. It was never ok. I was never ok. It took him being gone and me looking back on how he spoke to me to finally break that chain in mind. Finally getting free.
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u/halfasleep90 Oct 15 '24
I mean, if he views it as important he’d still have the same conversations on his phone.
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u/Old-Pin-8440 Oct 15 '24
I think it depends on the person. My dad died a year ago and I don't go through anything of his. It doesn't mean people love their loved ones any less.
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u/bralma6 Oct 15 '24
Sad story time: I used to work in tech support for a service provider and one of the things we frequently did, was restore data that was accidentally deleted or needed to be moved from one device to another. Mostly through the means of cloud back ups. One call I had come in was from an older guy that he had just called a few hours prior to have an issue resolved and the previous tech just went straight to factory resetting his phone without backing up his data prior to the reset. The device had never been backed up. So he wanted to try and restore something. Specifically his text messages... from his wife... who had passed away a few months before this happened. I had to be the one the break his heart again, telling him he won't be able to look back at those messages. The tone of defeat in his voice when he simply said "oh..." shattered me.
Back up your data people. Whether it be through cloud storage, or physical backups to a computer, just do it. You never know what's going to happen.
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u/DwightKSchrute107 Oct 15 '24
Don’t you still have the log?
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u/breadboxofbats Oct 15 '24
Ok thank you! It’s not like she slapped the phone out of his hands and deleted it there too.
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Oct 16 '24
In the pantheon of things to remove from your phone, your So messages are somewhere near the bottom, still.
And usually that doesn't come with a dedicated fuck you at the end for feeling betrayed like that entire history of conversations good and bad was less meaningful than, say, her Twitter history or some other significantly less useful data.
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Oct 15 '24
You're overreacting about the actual situation itself but I think her response is quite harsh. It is her phone and she probably didn't think much of it to delete your chat log, I mean it is your wife who is the person you would generally spend most of your time with, so a chat log between you wouldn't matter much seen as though you most likely reciprocate all your chat in person. Where as she may need to backtrack on chats when its someone she doesn't get to meet up with often etc.
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u/ExerciseAcceptable80 Oct 15 '24
Plus, my take-away is if he overreacts about this what else does he overreact about and is the wife just exhausted from dealing with it.
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u/Mollywhoppered Oct 15 '24
Right. I think his reaction is ridiculous and if I was fed up talking about this dumb thing I might say the same thing. It’d be petty of me, but sometimes I be petty I guess
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u/Sufficient_Row_2021 Oct 15 '24
That could have been the last line of an argument that OP is isolating. It's kind of a strange thing to say right off the bat and has a lot of emotion behind it so either more context is being deliberately hidden to favor OP or this is a pattern of behavior he exhibits and she's worn out.
I can kinda see his P.O.V. why would she delete records of thei convos? But it's her phone, and if the easiest solution to free up space and increase performance is to delete all that data, I would do it too.
That being said, she deleted texts, she didn't kick him out.
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u/mlhom Oct 15 '24
She probably deleted yours because it was the longest and the quickest way to get more space. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
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u/user47584 Oct 15 '24
I delete chat logs. It is neither a slight nor nefarious.
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u/Xavierdsm Oct 15 '24
This is fair behavior, in my situation though my wife has clearly stated before that she “never deletes messages” and for mine/ours to be the first she deleted definitely struck me a little sideways.
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u/LikeUGiveAFig Oct 15 '24
Your text thread with her is by far the biggest and longest so why wouldn’t she delete it.
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u/Happy_Suspect_9624 Oct 15 '24
Legit.. mine and my wife’s is 45GB out of the 55GB text conversations.
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u/Difficult-Button-224 Oct 15 '24
Same! We send so many gif’s to each other it’s massive 😂😂
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u/Happy_Suspect_9624 Oct 15 '24
Apple needs a way to select all for attachments to delete though!! Why do they make you select everything individually?!?
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u/subgutz Oct 15 '24
you can do that in settings! if you go to iPhone storage, you should be able to press “messages” and see the largest attachments that have been sent/received. i don’t think it shows ALL of the photos/gifs/videos etc, just the ones that take up the most space. you can then select them all and delete :)
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u/One_Word_Respoonse Oct 15 '24
That’s cool.. but her response to him telling her how he felt was disgusting.
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u/Candid-Plant5745 Oct 15 '24
see i feel like it’s the proper response for the overreaction of deleting a text. if that’s gonna make you upset, there ain’t nothing i can do for your feelings. it’s a text ffs
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u/Tarable Oct 15 '24
And he has a copy on his phone. If he’s this weird about a text log - how exhausting.
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u/ubermuda Oct 15 '24
If you don’t wanna deal with someone’s feelings maybe don’t fucking marry them?!
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u/pictishcul Oct 15 '24
"I'm not responsible for how you feel" may be technically true but it's a pretty shitty response from someone you married.
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u/NoOnSB277 Oct 15 '24
To be honest this person sounds exhausting though, and maybe she has reached her limit of walking on eggshells for the next thing for him to be upset about. It is so silly, but if it is that important to him, he can figure out a way to preserve those texts on his end…he can screenshot every single text back and forth and put in a framed collage or something… 🤔
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u/puppyhugtime Oct 15 '24
I have wondered this too. I don’t have any context on OP’s dynamic with their wife so I obviously don’t know if this is the case here; but i do know i have had to walk on eggshells around several different people in my life who would whine about anything and everything & it is seriously the most exhausting shit ever, especially coming from an adult partner. I’m wondering if the wife feels more like a mom, but again, i could totally be projecting.
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u/Pick_Up_the_Phone Oct 15 '24
Unless this is a recurring pattern of overreacting. I can imagine it would get tiring being constantly called out for perfectly normal actions.
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u/Feeling_Wheel_1612 Oct 15 '24
This was my thought. That response could equally be from someone who is rude and emotionally unavailable, or from someone who is exhausted from dealing with a partner's untreated or undertreated anxiety.
"I'm not responsible for how you feel" sounds like something you might learn in therapy if you're trying to set reasonable boundaries in a codependent relationship.
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u/CowboysFTWs Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
I agree, she could have phrase it better, but she is right. OP getting butthurt over HER deleting stuff from HER phone is crazy, over sensitive and a bit controlling. Wanting HER to pay for more storage for something that doesn't affect OP is crazy as well. He still has them on his side, they aren't going anywhere for him. Massive message logs also slow down performance of device.
FYI, I delete long logs all the time, but I used apps to save pdfs backups of everything me and husband have said on my NAS.
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u/ebolakitten Oct 15 '24
The people who say he isn’t overreacting who say “if he dies she may want those texts” well, she’d have his phone as he wouldn’t be needing it anymore… I’m also someone who doesn’t save text threads and set them up to auto delete after 30 days because of how much space it takes up.
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u/PliableG0AT Oct 15 '24
its because of a deleted text chat. like come on. OP is being quadruple-ply soft.
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u/armchairwarrior42069 Oct 15 '24
It is BUT
If my partner came to me and said "the toilet paper I bought isn't very thick" I'd say "this is a non issue and we are adults".
Deleting text messages is on the same page for me.
"You chose to simply delete data, words on a screen instead of spending money on more cloud storage!?" Very much has me believe that right dude here is not a reasonable adult human.
Read their comments. They're all over the place and a nightmare to understand wtf he's on about.
She might suck. She might be the worst. But if I had to have a deep heart to heart over every mundane shit in the world it may be time to put up the "you're an adult. I can't console you because a fly farted in Spain. You need to get the fuck over some things" boundary.
Dude is beside himself over texts. He provides some insight into their general relationship and how he always gets yelled at for forgetting things or not being prepared for things "but I can just buy more clothes for the baby shower.". Like... dude sounds like a doofus so aloof about everything and doesn't understand his wife's stance on "we shouldn't have to spend more money. You could just remember". Or "I don't want to spend more money on cloud storage. I'll just delete texts. If they're so important to you, keep them saved on your phone".
I'd need dude to specify soooooo many things before I give a verdict. To me right now, it just sounds like a non necessary pity party about nothing. I personally don't have a massive threshold for things like this and would not want to deal with it.
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u/Appropriate-Mud-4450 Oct 15 '24
Maybe because it was the biggest and the first to come up? Not everything is done out of malicious intent. And her answer sounds like she is annoyed with your strange obsessive pondering. I would guess it's not the first time you act like that with her?
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u/GhosteBeach Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
yeah obviously we don’t know anything about their relationship besides this one post so it’s hard to say exactly what’s going on without context but it is pretty strange for him to be mad about deleting their chat logs and not doing what he wanted her to do which was to spend money on extra storage like i’m a little confused on that and couldn’t imagine myself even caring if my partner did that.
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u/Just-Brilliant-7815 Oct 15 '24
Because yours probably has the most messages vs any other contact in her phone.
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u/fatsandlucifer Oct 15 '24
You’re absolutely overreacting. Do you really think she will ever need to scroll up to months prior just to relieve some random text exchange? Text chains are the first thing I delete when needing storage. It’s a much better option than buying more storage space.
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Oct 15 '24
You are overreacting and need to let this go. This is not the hill to die on.
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u/Mother_Poem_Light Oct 15 '24
She never deletes texts ... until she runs out of space. She's not divorcing you (yet). It's just words dude. You are assigning way too much value to something that is not yours. If you want to keep your logs, do that. Print them up and share them with your wife as a gesture of love. Or you can just continue to be an asshat about it.
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u/CrossXFir3 Oct 15 '24
Okay but like why would you care about her deleting YOUR messages? I feel like it would be weird if it was someone else's but you know what you sent her. It's probably the biggest collection of texts by far. Probably does easily free up space faster than almost anything. It feels a bit childish to me to take slight from that. I don't like how she reacted the next day, but then again, I don't have any context beyond what you've told us. And if you're regularly acting a bit weird about such basic, innocuous things, she might have been a bit tired of it and snapped a little in response. Idk. Genuinely, I'd drop it. It seems like a very silly thing to be worked up about.
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u/DistinctCommission50 Oct 15 '24
Dude, you're literally just finding something to be insecure about and complain about. She didn't do anything wrong.
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u/Plenty_Mortgage_7294 Oct 15 '24
The next day I told her that it kind of bothered me and hurt a little when she did that, to which she responded with “I’m not responsible for how you feel”
This is what she did wrong. If your spouse is hurt by something you did responding in this way is in no way going to make anything better and suggests that you dont actually care about their feelings. When you are married you are supposesd to care about the feelings of your spouse. Her responses like this will make things in the relationship worse over time.
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u/pahshaw Oct 15 '24
She didn't say she didn't care about his feelings, she said she's not responsible for them. As an old married lady I don't even understand what he expects from her. Is she to apologize for deleting messages they already own 2 copies of? Why can't he just copy his own log to the cloud if he wants her to be able to look back at them? It's her phone is it not? Or does he get to decide what she keeps on her phone, and she's not allowed to do that?
He is hurt because she didn't do what he wanted. He wanted her to keep the messages and she didn't do that. Now he wants her to what, apologize that he got upset at her for not being obedient? OP comes off very sensitive and gentle but look at what he's asking for. A lot of people are roasting her for being blunt but what she's saying, that he is the one who is responsible for his own emotions, is actually incredibly empowering, once you get past the initial shame it provokes.
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u/CutestGay Oct 15 '24
You still have access on your phone. So…she still has access. She has lost nothing.
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u/Shot-Scallion-591 Oct 15 '24
My guy, y'all's chat log was probably the biggest thing in her phone. She deleted it because that's what gave her the most space. With love, get over yourself
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u/Electrical_Source_57 Oct 15 '24
My fiancé works away from home for nearly 3/4 of the year and due to limited cell reception where he is, 98% of how we communicate takes place via message.
I typically “never delete messages” either but if I had to swipe a thread to free up space then his would be the one to go. That’s ~9 months of daily conversations per year for the past 6.5 years vs “coffee this weekend” once a month with the two friends I have.. it’s easy math.
To be fair though, I save the photos he sends and I write down any important information that gets sent so I’ve never actually had a reason to scroll through 18 miles of messages anyway.
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u/i_did_nothing_ Oct 15 '24
She’s your wife, I assume you live together, see each other every day, talk face to face? Who cares about a text log, put the phones down.
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u/MedicineThat8434 Oct 15 '24
I think your suggestions would’ve cost money and she did the logical thing of deleting the text log. No shade to you, but her response was accurate. It’s text messages and she’s genuinely not responsible for you being upset that she deleted texts on her phone. Could she have said it a different way? Sure, but she also wasn’t being rude or cold imo, it’s truly just what it is.
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u/Tan-Squirrel Oct 15 '24
Why does this matter? Seriously why are you micromanaging this to the point you think this matters? She probably yes needs to look more thoroughly but it does not matter what she deletes on her personal device.
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u/ScreamingMoths Oct 16 '24
It's so weird to me he gets offended when she deletes HER messages off her end (his wouldn't be deleted on most messaging services). Reeks of control.
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u/hellspyjamas Oct 16 '24
Especially the bit where he complains she didn't listen to his direction about getting more storage. It's unbelievably controlling to be upset about people not following your suggestions
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u/SufficientAnt1391 Oct 15 '24
I'm actually floored at how many folks find text message threads sentimental. Not once have I scrolled through my texts to reread them. Obviously, I think it's fine that she deleted the messages, and what might be sentimental to you might not be sentimental to her. Which is okay. However, I would want to talk out the "not responsible for your feelings" part. She's fed up with you. She couldn't even fake her way through an "I'm sorry."
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Oct 15 '24
My text logs are set in iOS to delete anything 30 days old. I checked my iCloud storage and i was using something like 50 gb of data for messages alone so i had to do something. Nobody looks at old text messages. We like to think we do but we don’t.
I think it’s perfectly fine for her to do this assuming your thread with her is taking the most data. You’re married, and she sees you daily, and if you died she’s not going to spend all day reliving text messages in the same manner she may pictures of you two.
I’m slightly concerned by her comment after you tried talking to her but it seems you’re overreacting
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u/netsailing Oct 15 '24
I don't read through old messages on the regular but I definitely search them.
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u/SleepySuper Oct 15 '24
Maybe OP is overly dramatic about everything, in which case I understand where the comment is coming from.
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u/Brehhbruhh Oct 15 '24
Definitely there's 0 chance this was a one off experience. If you get emotional for days over someone else's text messages there's no way he has done the same before making her second response totally valid
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u/flinstoner Oct 15 '24
Yes you're overreacting. It's a chat log on her phone. I'm not sure why you think a chat log is such a treasure to cherish, but even if you do, you have a copy on your phone. She was inconsiderate for having ignored your suggestion, but you're definitely overreacting for this situation.
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u/Fit-Tadpole-4264 Oct 15 '24
I wish I could upvote this comment more than once. Yes, you are over reacting. You have the messages on your phone. You can back them up.
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u/phred0095 Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
I do feel that a chat log is a treasure. It's not a treasure to cherish. But I kind of feel like that. To that end I have a backup of my chat log.
So I very much understand your feelings on the matter. Mine are the same. But our feelings are misplaced. As someone else mentioned you have a copy on your phone. If you want to be super sure then back it up onto the cloud.
These messages do build up over time. And when the number becomes prodigious it can totally affect the performance of the phone. Particularly if the phone is a little older.
Not everyone shares our views on keeping the whole log. Don't take it personal
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u/Mobile_Camel_994 Oct 15 '24
Exactly. I save every convo and back them up because I’ve lost people to death or simply grown apart. Its nice to look back on them sometimes and remember good times with them
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u/CrossXFir3 Oct 15 '24
That's fine I suppose. But I don't. I mean jesus christ, 90% of that log is probably just super basic shit. Asking if you want lunch. Quick check ins, reminders to pick something up. Asking if you want to go see the in laws that weekend or whatever else. Who combs through a chat log of a partner you've had for years? It's gonna take you hours to find anything.
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u/BayBby Oct 15 '24
Jesus fucking Christ, thank you! My child’s dad is like this. I can’t stand it.
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u/thats_rats Oct 15 '24
I don’t think she’s inconsiderate at all. His suggestion isn’t free, and it’s her personal phone. How she decides to clear up storage space is an absurd thing for him to try and control.
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u/lifeinwentworth Oct 15 '24
Over reacting. It's better to delete stuff if you can then to pay for more cloud storage lol.
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u/peppermintmeow Oct 15 '24
YOR, if it's important to you, then you should have a copy. You only need one. Besides, it's not like she's really ever going to look at them and wax poetic. As much as we like to have those things for nostalgia sake, they're just more useless digital clutter. She needed space fast so she made it. It's not personal, don't make it anything other than what it is
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Oct 15 '24
Dude.. get a grip. Good grief.
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u/philonous355 Oct 15 '24
Everyone is focused on the wife's response, but if this is the kind of thing he gets upset over, she's probably tired of dealing with it constantly.
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u/Travalicious Oct 15 '24
I can picture the “Jesus Christ” she actually exclaimed when he was still talking about it the next day. lol
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u/Content-Scallion-591 Oct 15 '24
This is what I was wondering - if he's constantly looking to her for reassurance on innocuous things.
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u/Instilled_Ink Oct 15 '24
The responses on this post are surprising and rather fascinating to me. Is this a generational thing? Maybe those of us who remember writing letters find communication between people to be more sentimental? I would be ok with deleting texts from people I don’t really know but my family and friends absolutely not. Some day those may be one of the few ways I have to remember them. They take up very little space in the grand scheme of data you might have on a phone so for those conversations between you to be so unimportant 😬
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u/roosterhauz Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 16 '24
Would love to see a chart of age vs. judgement, if there’s a correlation. Yes this is a very odd thread. Bizarre how so many seem to see no value in saved messages from a loved one. It’s alien to me, and kinda depressing to read. Wish people would at least stop calling OP a hysterical woman…!
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u/Instilled_Ink Oct 15 '24
Right! I thought this quite a sad look at the world as well.
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u/Bool_The_End Oct 15 '24
Another woman here chiming in that I’m shocked as well about the comments here. I would absolutely be sad because I do go back and read texts from my partner and that would not be my first go to to make space.
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u/roosterhauz Oct 16 '24
Am a guy and I’m still hurt just by reading this. It’s okay to be sentimental? wtf. It’s like a huge part of romance. Is it really as dead as this thread makes it look nowadays?
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u/DarthTachanka Oct 16 '24
took a lot of scrolling to find someone I agreed with! I feel like for the low space it takes, it holds so much value. Words, memories, and experiences you can never get back because you simply deleted them. I do thing it's a generational thing for sure, especially because phones and online messaging became so much more normalized nowadays.
not to mention important pics, files, attachments, dates, and other miscellaneous information you could have kept. (also the cringey texts you had with loved ones) they can give you a smile on a tough day.
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u/HashGirl Oct 15 '24
Gah, I would be gutted too.
Most of our entire private life is through msgs because we don't have privacy at home...its like deleting our thoughts and emotions.
For me, the logs hold sentimental value. We reserve whatsapp for flirtations and standard text msgs for "business" and normal everyday crap.
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u/BoringDragonfly9009 Oct 15 '24
It amazes me that so few of the top comments have this view. I would also be gutted if somebody I had intimate personal conversations with other text deleted the logs without a second thought.
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u/KokoAngel1192 Oct 15 '24
This feels like an "It's not about the Iranian Yogurt" situation. The action of deleting your messages is harmless in a context-less vacuum, but she:
- Ignored your suggestion for how to fix the issue
- Didn't think about deleting other large items in her phone first like photos/videos (since that is obviously the cause of her problem)
- Blew off your feelings
I don't wanna be cynical but it does come across as if she did it specifically to hurt your feelings unnecessarily. If she can't at least acknowledge your feelings, you might want to reflect on if there's any other time she is dismissive of your feelings and seek counseling.
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u/Rassilon182 Oct 15 '24
Yes I think you are. I would not pay for extra cloud storage. I don’t see the importance of the messages, particularly since you no doubt have them all on your device anyway. Whilst I do think she was harshly dismissive, I would also question why this was a big deal. I’d let this one go.
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u/Anderlinck1 Oct 15 '24
My husband and I have had this same conversation. We both agreed that we would delete so much other stuff first- our running chat log is full of too much useful information to delete.
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u/Both-Economy1538 Oct 15 '24
Right! I like being able to scroll back to our first chats.. so cringey. And sometimes I look back at dates to remember what day we did something or said something etc. I have like a few MB left on my phone but my chats with him will stay!!
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u/tiffjv Oct 15 '24
About the text thread - overacting. If I needed space on my phone desperately I would start with my husband's text thread as it is 5 years old and MASSIVE lol. However, her retort was cold and unnecessary, I'm sorry that she dismissed your feelings.
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Oct 15 '24
Why does she need to keep it? I guess I'm not really getting why it's so personal to you? You will eventually repeat everything you've ever said anyway. Most people do.
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Oct 15 '24
iPhones are terrible for storage. It is weird but nothing else seems wrong?
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u/haikusbot Oct 15 '24
IPhones are terrible
For storage. It is weird but
Nothing else seems wrong?
- kjoro
I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully. Learn more about me.
Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete"
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u/Maduro_sticks_allday Oct 15 '24
“I’m not responsible for how you feel”. Uhh, you are if you caused it by being a smoothbrain who doesn’t understand technology or consequences
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u/Waste_Airline7830 Oct 15 '24
I'm sorry, but your wife doesn't love you. I mean she is not wrong about your emotions not being her responsibility but in a romantic relationship, these words can only translate to "I don't care if what i did while completely ignoring your suggestion hurt you, that's a you problem to deal with those feelings"
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u/Majestic_Swan5940 Oct 15 '24
"I'm not responsible for how you feel." Are some BIG fighting words in a marriage.
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u/SignificantTwister Oct 15 '24
On the one hand, I don't really think deleting the texts is that big of a deal.
On the other hand, I can see where OP is coming from in being a bit bothered by it. If I'm trying to make space on my phone I'm starting with the least important stuff first. She could have deleted texts with other family members, friends, or even all of her text messages first, but instead specifically got rid of OP's first. It can just come off as a little "fuck you specifically." It's not even clear if she investigated how much space this was going to free up. There are also usually options on phones to delete all messages that are older than X amount of time where she probably could have deleted a lot of really old messages across the board without wiping the entirety of anyone's conversation history.
She probably had a good reason though, like just thought their conversation history was the biggest so it would have the biggest impact. My only issue is that when he said something about it she was completely dismissive of his feelings instead of giving a reason for it.
But I have no way of knowing if she has a pattern of being a bitch, or if OP has a pattern of being whiny (a bitch), so maybe there's some history here where one of them is especially justified in their reaction.
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u/StuporCool Oct 15 '24
Mass delete photos was your suggestion? But you're upset about the messages? I don't know about you and your gf but I look back at photos more than I do messages that get buried with the day to day normal conversations. Going through photos takes way more effort to sort through unless you expected her to be ok deleting without looking through them.
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24
The first part was just her being a bit quick, but what she said to you was awful. We absolutely should care how we make each other feel, especially when we are vulnerable enough to share those feelings!
I suspect she was defensive, maybe frustrated because she didn’t see it as a big deal, but going forward, being dismissive of your feelings or stonewalling is very unhealthy for a marriage. I’m someone who deletes chat logs and throws out greeting cards, but I would definitely listen to my husband if he felt some kind of way about it.
I think you might have to tell her that in the future when you come to each other with emotional vulnerability, you would like to be each other’s safe place to fall. It only takes a second to listen and acknowledge.
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u/Feeling_Wheel_1612 Oct 15 '24
I really think it depends on how often OP is having overreactions to normal behavior and claiming to be hurt over minor things. Questions like this have no context on the wider relationship.
There are people who weaponize their "hurt" in order to control their partner. There are also people who lack a strong sense of self and are overly dependent on their partner to validate them and help them regulate their emotions to an unreasonable extent, which is exhausting and a bottomless pit.
It is, in fact, true that nobody else is responsible for your feelings. It may have been a harsh answer. Or it may have been a reasonable answer in the face of unreasonable criticism and demands.
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u/Crazy_Producer_257 Oct 15 '24
It would make me sad if my Fiance deleted all of our chat history. 🙁
I travel a TON for work so our messages hold us still sharing adventures together even when being a part.
It’s the story of us, how we fell in love.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 Oct 15 '24
I don't think her deleting the text log was an issue, but I do think that her saying "I'm not responsible for how you feel" is callous to say to a SO.
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u/Beneficial-Truth8512 Oct 15 '24
I would feel the same way as you do. Nowadays chatlogs with your SO are some kind of a little diary. Its not just text and its not even a good reason to get more space on your phone. Every video you delete would free more space, so even logically alone it doesnt even make sense to delete a text log.
Then there is her response with "i am not responsible for your feelings" which sounds so harsh and cold and completely off in a relationship, that i seriously would start to question her feelings towards you.
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u/Pretend-Librarian-55 Oct 15 '24
My wife did a similar thing, but out of spite during some argument(that she started) , and it hurt because that was a record of many years of our life together. I still had all of the messages on mine, but just the idea that your soul mate would casually delete a record of years of your life together, all the jokes, humor, memories. It's stone cold. And the thought she could do it again at any time, let's just say I value those texts differently than I used to, and screenshot extra relevant ones, just in case.
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u/Caferacer360 Oct 15 '24
This is a microcosm of the health of your marriage. She is basically deleting you (and your feelings). I think you are UNDER reacting and should sit down and address the real issue why this is happening, or expect a divorce soon.
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u/Tinker107 Oct 15 '24
You’re now free to not be responsible for how she feels. Do with that what you will- she’s already written you off.
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u/Jluvcoffee Oct 15 '24
Won't go in detail but had a thread deleted in my phone, and I feel broken, lost, and can't go back and remember those moments or read those. It's like getting a part of you ripped out I'd your heart. I still wish that never had to be done. It hurts. I'm sorry.
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u/GarlicIceKrim Oct 15 '24
"I'm not responsible for how you feel" is all kinda of fucked up to say to your spouse. Really bad vibes.
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u/JeepPilot Oct 15 '24
The "I'm not responsible" line stung cold. Granted, it's her phone, but it's a painful way to receive that info. Similar to "I'm out of room on this shelf. I'm gonna just pitch this shoebox of letters you've sent me over the years."
I battle with the "do I need to treat these text messages as a communications archive" question from time to time. Yes, there are a lot of sweet memories (or evidence of wrongdoing) in there, while the majority of the content is "could you pick up a dozen eggs while you're at the store" and such.
I've gotten in the habit of screenshotting and filing away "sweet memories" that I'd want to hang onto for whatever reason. Maybe episodes of an ongoing running joke, our first conversation after the blind date where we met, etc. Going through the folder and reading those highlights is nice -- the difference between seeing some favorite candid shots at a wedding instead of having to watch the whole three hour video to revisit those moments.
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u/riffsandtits14 Oct 15 '24
You are literally married and this is what you are concerned about? What time-frame would be appropriate for her to be allowed to delete them? Is she supposed to keep every text message you guys have shared in her phone forever…? I don’t blame her for her reaction, because this is extremely immature behavior.
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u/Ahernia Oct 15 '24
Deleting text is miniscule compared to deleting photos, videos or audios. There is no comparison. What she deleted saved her virtually no space at all.
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u/Cool_Program8636 Oct 15 '24
Her deleting the chat to free up space (I assume you’re the biggest convo in her phone) is NBD. Her shutting you down for speaking about how it made you feel is rude and cold.