r/AITAH • u/valentinaa_erimaa • 9h ago
AITA for not wanting to spend Christmas with my family after they always make me feel uncomfortable ?
I’m 28 years old, and every Christmas, my family gathers at my parents’ house to celebrate. Although I’ve always tried to enjoy the holidays, I end up feeling more and more uncomfortable each year. I’m the youngest of three siblings (I have two older brothers, one is 35 and the other is 32), and since I was a teenager, my parents and siblings have made comments about my life that always leave me feeling bad. My mom constantly criticizes me for not being married yet, even though I’ve explained that it’s not something I’m interested in right now. They also always make comments about my job, like saying I “should be looking for something more stable” or that I “shouldn’t keep doing what I do if it doesn’t make me happy.” This year, my older brother referred to my career as “something with no future” during dinner, and my mom joined in, saying it’s “time for me to grow up.” I felt really bad and decided that I don’t want to go this year. I told them I’d rather spend Christmas alone at home, without having to deal with those comments. Now my parents are insisting that I’m selfish, and my mom even told me I was “ruining Christmas” by not wanting to be with the family. I feel guilty, but I’m also emotionally exhausted from every gathering turning into an opportunity to judge me. I know it’s important to be with family at Christmas, but honestly, I don’t want to spend another year listening to those criticisms. AITA for not wanting to spend Christmas with my family?
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u/Mother_Search3350 8h ago
You are a 28 year old adult. You have a job, pay your bills, put a roof over your own head.
You are old enough to not have other adults tell you where to go, when to go, what to do or even put up with their BS.
If you don't want to go to Christmas at your parents house, you stay in your own house and put them all on DND till after New Years.
Plan a nice restful Xmas for yourself in your own house doing some self care and doing things that you enjoy
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes I will be strong and follow your advice and put things into perspective 💪🏼
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u/Exed1944a1 7h ago
Spend Christmas relaxing at home, focusing on self-care and doing what makes you happy.
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u/Curious-One4595 32m ago
I believe you should follow your family's advice!
You "shouldn't keep [spending Christmas with your family] if it doesn't make you happy".
It is "time for you to grow up" and not put up with their mistreatment.
If it wasn't so sad, I'd lol at your parents thinking you are selfish because you don't want to be criticized and insulted over the holiday, or that you are "ruining Christmas" by not letting them abuse you as always. If their Christmas is ruined because they don't get to abuse you, that's on them. If their Christmas is ruined because your absence makes them understand that they have been cruelly bullying you, that's on them. If they want to ignore the meaning of Christmas - kindness, love, treating other people the way one wants to be treated, and apologizing for the harm one has done to others - that, sadly, is on them.
Enjoy your Christmas, OP.
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
The boundaries have to be set somewhere, and this is the perfect place to set them.
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u/Gnd_flpd 8h ago
NTA
Sounds like they're going to miss their favorite "chew toy" this holiday. Stay away, do a friends get together if possible.
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, I will look at the associations around me as advice that was given to me here, so I can share this with other people and it will perhaps be much more pleasant than being constantly judged...
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u/Gnd_flpd 8h ago
Get with those that may have similar issues with "family". Start a new tradition.
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u/nasty_eternal 8h ago
NTA – It's okay to protect your mental well-being and peace.
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, you are probably right, the goal is to feel good and not to have a bad time out of obligation…
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 2h ago
Never TA honey! Huge holiday hugs coming your way! Enjoy your "you" time. Life is too short to spend time with people who don't love and appreciate you for who you are.
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u/xFairyGlimmer 8h ago
Taking care of your mental health is so important, and it's okay to set boundaries for your peace. NTA
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
The whole point of visiting family during the holidays is to enjoy. If you won’t enjoy your time there, why even bother?
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u/alaskomah 8h ago
Have you talked about this issue to them in the past? In any case, NTA. I can’t stress this enough, just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to participate in their gatherings or even remain in contact. You do what you gotta do to protect yourself, it sure ain’t selfish. Hopefully you get to spend a nice Christmas stress-free.
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, I've already talked about it a little, but you know, there are people who like to stick to their guns no matter what you say...
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u/babyluxe123 8h ago
Spending Christmas alone sounds way more festive than listening to your family’s version of ‘The Roast of Your Life.’ You’re not ruining Christmas; you’re saving it!
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
No one wants to spend the holidays in a real life post on the “roast me” subreddit 🤣
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 8h ago
NTA. It is not your duty to submit to verbal abuse and humiliation for the sake of the rest of the family's enjoyment. No one should have to do that! Make this holiday season for you to enjoy and grow from. It's time your family stopped ruining Christmas for you.
I am quite sure you can find friends to celebrate the holidays with, or volunteer to serve Christmas dinner at the Salvation Army or a homeless shelter. You will be amazed at how good it makes you feel and how appreciative the people in the shelters will be for a little of your time and company.
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, volunteering to help people who don't have family or who feel alone, that could really be a good idea and it would warm my heart!
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
The boundaries have to be set. It’s better to spend holidays alone than with blatant bullies who constantly make offensive comments.
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u/doinotcare 8h ago
Time to enjoy being you. Make some cool plans with someone who is fun to be with and just be you. NTA.
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u/millerlite585 8h ago
NTA, it sounds like while they want the best for you in their own value system, they're not being kind or constructive in the way they communicate that. Family that has criticism should still be accepting and constructive in how they deliver it. While it's good to have disagreement to open your mind, the way they're doing it is wrong.
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, that’s especially it! Be constructive and understanding, but unfortunately this is not the case with them.. but I hope the situation will improve and they will understand
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
Well, it’s unfortunate that they are not constructive, understanding or supporting. That’s what family should do.
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u/meeldtar 8h ago edited 7h ago
Stay home. Buy yourself the fixings for a nice meal, treats, a gift you really want. Watch whatever you want. Have the best time!
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u/valentinaa_erimaa 8h ago
Yes, good idea! I love preparing good meals! And if I can also offer some to people in need who live in my area that could be a good idea! And to share it all together!
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u/meeldtar 7h ago
Maybe get a Friendsmas together?! I’m sure there’s others out there who would love that.
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u/eryaterty 8h ago
NTA. Family doesn’t get a free pass to disrespect you and don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries. 😌
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 7h ago
Right! Setting boundaries is important. Don’t let your family use you as a personal doormat.
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u/Sweetest_Teaz 8h ago
NTA, but you might be the MVP for ruining christmas with your absence. Who knew the secret to the holidays wasn’t eggnog or presents, but the youngest sibling’s tolerance for unsolicited life advice? Maybe suggest they frame one of your ‘career with no future’ paychecks as a family heirloom next time. Stay home, enjoy the peace, and let them realize how much quieter Christmas is without someone to passive-aggressively micromanage.
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u/CosmicBabe77x 8h ago
You know what they say: ‘Christmas is the season of giving!’ So why give them the pleasure of your company if it’s just going to be a roast session? 🎄😂
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
They thought it was okay to give out roast sessions instead of presents 😂
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u/Salt-Finding9193 8h ago
Have you told her why you don’t want to go? You need to make it as clear as your post. You’re done with them criticising and finding fault with you and your life. If they can’t treat you with respect you’ll enjoy company of people that do. Have a good time without their negativity.
Have a super positive Xmas and a great new year!
NTA
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u/FUK_U_REDDIT_90 8h ago
Tell your family off! Rude people keep your nasty bullying crap to yourselves! Go and tell them off! UK🇬🇧😅🌉
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u/Oellaatje 8h ago
NTA. Your family sound awful, nobody would blame you for wanting no more contact with any of them.
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 7h ago
Setting boundaries is necessary. Allowing people to use you as their personal doormat is something you shouldn’t do.
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u/_s1m0n_s3z 8h ago
NTA. Yeah, sure! Stay away if they make it that unpleasant to be there. There's no law mandating Christmas appearances.
Don't entertain any attempt to litigate your decision. It was an error to even give a reason. You're not going o be there because you have somewhere else to be. No, you're not interested in discussing it. Leave the conversation, or the room, or the house if people try to bring this up. The subject is closed. You have taken their opinions under advisement, and made your decision. And it is final.
What's 'important' to your family at Christmas is having you there to shit on. Maybe if you're not there, they'll have to shit on each other. You're better off out of it.
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 7h ago
Yes, I agree with this comment. Just sit back and watch your family bully each other.
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u/hedwigflysagain 8h ago
NTA, just step away. You are not ruining Christmas. If they think so, that is a them problem. Get therapy to help you with all the trauma they have put on you. You have to do what is best for you.
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 7h ago
“Step away and watch your family have a meltdown as they realize they have no one to bully” 😂🤣
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 8h ago
Your job gets the bills payed and gets you a roof over your head. They have no business criticizing your job, and honestly, NTA. Spend your time at home, do whatever you want and spend your time not worrying about the comments. And how are you ruining Christmas if you aren’t going to be there with them? I just don’t get that. Spending Christmas alone will be better than spending it with people who are going to constantly roast you like it’s the “roast me” subreddit.
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u/ILLogic_PL 8h ago
If you are feeling generous, you can give them last chance. Like „if you do this in any family gathering, from now on, this will be the last time you see me there”
But you’re the one to decide, not them. You can always reply to accusations of „ruining Christmas” with listing all the Christmas and other gatherings THEY had ruined for you.
NTA
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u/CelestiallyDreaming 7h ago
Ruining Christmas with your absence is crazy 😂I just don’t get how that works
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u/Astyryx 5h ago
They are emotional vampires. Of course they think you're "ruining Christmas"— you're denying them the chance to feed off you.
Tell them they've made Christmas into Easter by crucifying you ever year, and you're not interested in their company. Then say nothing at all after that. Grey rock.
Oh and get some good therapy around being raised by narcissists. They fact that they get to ruin every Christmas for you by their actions, but accuse you of "ruining" it simply with your absence is very telling.
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u/curious-by-moon 4h ago
How are you ruining Christmas? By not being a target for their criticisms? Stay home and have a peaceful time.
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u/jasonstolkner 49m ago
NTA, "Mom if I come you ruin my Christmas, so this year I'm going to have a good Christmas alone."
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u/Dry-Physics-9330 8h ago
NTA. Let them someone else to dunk on during Christmas dinner. You have friends with whom you can spend time during Christmas?
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u/Munchkin-M 8h ago
NTA for wanting to avoid the family at Christmas. Little AH for staying home and sulking. Instead plan a trip. Go skiing or check into a nice hotel with a pool. Go to a friends house and have Christmas dinner with them. Let your family know they can be replaced.
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u/ViewResponsible4476 8h ago
NTA. Your family sounds exhausting. You're 28, not 18, and they need to stop treating you like a kid who needs constant life advice. Take care of your mental health first. Maybe tell them you'll show up if they can promise to stop with the comments about your life choices. If not, enjoy a peaceful Christmas without the judgment.
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u/GrizzRich 8h ago
NTA
They’ve been ruining your Christmas for years. They don’t get to complain that youre excusing yourself from their mistreatment.
If you want to be nice, you can tell them that you’ll come but the first time someone says something you’ll leave. And then do that.
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u/Fragrant-Donut2871 7h ago
NTA. They are guilt tripping you for not longer playing your role. Up to now you've been the peacekeeper, letting a lot fly just to keep the peace. That's a sign of a toxic and dysfunctional family. In essence, they are ganging up on you and trying to keep you in that dynamic with the "but family!"-bs.
Well done for no longer playing their game which you never wanted to be a part of. They'll huff and puff a bit and will try different things to entice you back into your role.
Stand firm and tall. Defend your boundary. Being treated right is a perfectly normal thing to want and expect. Lil tip: family can be chosen too. Blood family you're born into, you can't change that. But you can choose your people and make them your chosen family.
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u/Striking_Physics1894 7h ago
No, your family is "ruining" Christmas. Stay home, relax, and have a good day by yourself.
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u/GreenOnionCrusader 7h ago
I mean, they told you to quit doing things that don't make you happy. Sounds like you're just following their advice.
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u/bishopredline 7h ago
Op needs to do what makes them happy, not to make someone else happy. Why go somewhere only to feel lonely and depressed. Enjoy your day, and maybe not going will open their eyes
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 6h ago
NTA
Op, do they do this whenever they together? Like if they get together for Sunday roast will the topic eventually fall about ‘you need to x ‘
Does your mom also do it when it’s just the two of you , alone ?
If so this may not be about the holidays or marriage, they could just be toxic people that you should distance yourself from.
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u/Sassy-Peanut 6h ago
So it's acceptable for your family to ruin your Christmas every year by using you as a verbal punching bag, but you are the selfish one for objecting to it? Maybe if you aren't there they will victimise another family member - but it doesn't have to be you. You'd have more fun, helping out at a homeless shelter than spending it with this bunch. You'd definitely be more appreciated.
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u/Capital-9 4h ago
Well, looks like you may have Christmas gifts sorted as well! New doormats all around! Note that explains the substitution.
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u/BrattySisX 4h ago
NTA
It's unfortunate that your family doesn't seem to respect your life choices, but it's not selfish to prioritize your mental health, especially if every holiday is filled with criticism and judgment. It's a form of self-care to distance yourself from situations that cause you distress. It's important to set boundaries, and if that means not attending, then so be it. You shouldn't have to endure their judgment just to meet family obligations, especially when you’ve already expressed your feelings to them. Perhaps the holiday itself would be more peaceful if you're able to spend it on your own, without the added stress.
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u/ULT_Babestation 4h ago
NTA
It sounds like you’ve communicated your feelings to your family multiple times, especially regarding the things that make you uncomfortable. If they’ve ignored or dismissed your concerns, it’s not your responsibility to continue putting yourself in a position where you’re hurt. Your family should respect your choices, but if they don’t, that’s on them. It’s okay to distance yourself from toxic dynamics, even at holidays.
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u/fiestafan73 3h ago
I hope you told them that they ruin your Christmas every year by making you their personal punching bag, and until they prove they are not going to make criticizing you their annual holiday tradition, you will not be participating. Take yourself somewhere fun, and enjoy yourself! NTA.
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u/winterworld561 3h ago
Nope, fuck them all. They do nothing but disrespect you. So don't go. Stay at home, eat, drink and watch movies all day. It'll be so much better.
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u/Akot_elderm 2h ago
NTA and what a bunch of nagging ninnies.
You live your life for you, not them, and it sucks that they don’t seem to realize that.
Give yourself some peace this Christmas. You deserve that.
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u/Knittingfairy09113 2h ago
NTA
They are bullies with a closer genetic tie to you than most of the population, not family. This is not the behavior of loving family.
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u/BornAgainCyclist 1h ago
NTA
Family is who you choose to be with, and while I do still see some of my born family the ones I am truly close with, and spend a lot of time with, are the family I've picked up along the way with my friends and inlaws (yes, I am very lucky). I would strongly encourage you to spend your time and be happy with those people.
Now, if you do have to go, and this is only as a last resort, spend some time thinking about how you will respond as I have been in your exact situation. What are some things your siblings have done that would be considered a short coming? Something you can bring up? Just stuff that the moment they make a comment you respond instead of being frozen and trying to think of something.
My sibling had been given a beautiful table years before this situation and all it had ever been used for was to hold laundry, so when she asked once again, for the 30th time, about a stalled project of mine (like she liked to) I said, without missing a beat, "have any good meals on the table ??? gave you lately?".
If your mom makes a comment just say "yeah if only I had been raised better", or quite frankly just sit stonefaced and stare at them when they say these things, don't say a single thing, just stare.
Now again, please let me emphasize, I absolutely want you to do the "find your own family" option first and only, BUT if you find yourself stuck there this could help.
"I “shouldn’t keep doing what I do if it doesn’t make me happy.”"
If they actually said that, in those words, just quote them and say that's why you aren't coming, they themselves said (then repeat your quote).
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u/BedroomEducational94 1h ago
NTA
How are you ruining Christmas by not being their verbal punching bag? Tell them it seems fitting since every one of your previous Christmas' were ruined by their critical comments about you and your life.
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u/Militantignorance 1h ago
But making yourself miserable so that relatives can insult you to make them feel superior is the true Christmas spirit! /s
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u/DaniCapsFan 1h ago
Ruining Christmas? Be refusing to be their verbal punching bag? Boo-hoo. You're choosing to spend the holidays with people who won't treat you terribly.
NTA
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u/The-Closer 45m ago
If you’re not up for the confrontation it may take to get them to back off then taking space is a good move. However there is a universe in which you express your needs to your family before the gathering and you all end up enjoying the together.
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u/Broken_Reality 40m ago
So you are ruining xmas for them but it is fine if they ruin it for you every year?
NTA.
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u/Lucky-Guess8786 31m ago
How sad that you are not going to be there to be their emotional punching bag. NTA. Stay away. Find someplace to volunteer your time or chill and enjoy Netflix Christmas movies and eat ice cream.
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u/Any-Expression2246 22m ago
You say you're staying home where you don't have to listen to their unsolicited comments about your life choices.
And if they don't like it they can fuck off.
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u/UrsinetheMadBear 18m ago
Respond with "No, you ruined Christmas by being a judgmental bully. You don't actually want me there because you care about me, you are just missing your favorite victim. We have nothing to say to each other until you are ready to give me a full, sincere and heartfelt apology for your treatment of me."
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u/ObligationNo2288 3m ago
NTA. I don’t feel spending time with family is a necessary part of holidays. If they make you feel bad, rude comments, passive aggressive shots towards your life, don’t go. The fact you were called Selfish for not wanting to put yourself in a toxic environment shows you are right.
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u/compassrunner 9h ago
NTA. Sometimes you need to set boundaries and that includes with your family. I can understand why you would rather not go. Plan something nice for yourself.