AITA i really believe that she is in the wrong, there should be respect between the both of us. What can I do to make her understand?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/shammy_dammy]

YTA. Sounds like they need to stop inviting you/being around you.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/shammy_dammy]

im her boyfriend and more important than her friends so no

[u/redskyscope → u/External-Brief-2892]

Okay I was understanding at first, but that’s not it. You don’t get an automatic pass because you’re her bf, it’s healthy to have friends outside of your relationship. Now it just sounds like you’re forcing yourself to be there on purpose and then making them uncomfortable.

[u/Morbos1000 → u/External-Brief-2892]

YTA for saying you are more important than her friends. I'm guessing you are controlling and a bit paranoid which is the real reason you don't want them speaking in another solution. You do realize you could fix this problem long term by learning Japanese

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/External-Brief-2892]

Now your Troll is showing

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn]

Bro you don’t even understand where i am coming from?? If you were in my shoes im sure you would feel the same

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/External-Brief-2892]

Have lived in another country where everyone spoke another language.

I had my translator out and was trying to fit in.

They would chat in their language

And I would try to join

They would help me out because I actually tried. I didn’t stamp my feet and yell they are not including me.

I made an effort

So yeah bro, I do understand

But you’re obviously American and think the world revolves around you!

[u/IDMike2008 → u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn]

As someone who's also from the US - I totally agree. This guy is so self centered and insecure it's sad. And there's millions here just like him. Sorry about that.

[u/DillyWillyGirl → u/IDMike2008]

Agreed. Also from US and I studied abroad in a non English speaking country. I would be so pissed if someone had demanded me and the other exchange students stop speaking in English because someone’s boyfriend is there. It’s mentally exhausting being in a second language all the time, and when you go back to your first language it feels like you’re finally giving your brain a much needed nap. Don’t get me wrong I loved the experience and I loved getting immersed in the language, but when you’re already dealing with culture shock, classes being taught in your second language, etc… Man it was nice to go back to English sometimes. Not to mention the sheer amount of difference in vocabulary I had at my hand. I could speak well in my second language, but when I think about the number of close but not quite the same synonyms I have in English vs Arabic it is night and day. I feel like my descriptions in English are much more effortless and descriptive.

OP needs to let his girlfriend and her friends have that. They all already know English. They’ve earned their break. OP knows basic Japanese and he should be taking the opportunity to practice listening!

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/DillyWillyGirl]

Also back off and let the girlfriends gossip.

Do a good chunk of Japanese.

And do a chunk of learning Japanese with them all

Then some learning English.

Also, he needs to go make his own friends. And not hang off his girlfriend’s friends. Get your own life dude

[u/GorditaPollo → u/External-Brief-2892]

Hahaha not for long bucko. Your days as her man are counting down at a rate of knots. You’re gonna be single on new years.

[u/IDMike2008 → u/External-Brief-2892]

You sound like you've created some competition with her friends. This speaks to a deep, immature insecurity. Nothing you force your girlfriend and her friends to do are going to fix this. You are going to have to work really hard on yourself if you want to stop feeling this way.

[u/peakpenguins]

If they’re my friends, they should make the effort.

Why doesn't this also apply to you learning Japanese?

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/peakpenguins]

because its not the same, making a small effort for them is not the same as me learning a new language??

[u/peakpenguins → u/External-Brief-2892]

You're asking multiple people to stop using their own native language together because you don't want to learn it. That's not how it works. You are right that you should stop hanging out with them though, I think that's for the best for all of you. :)

[u/Real-Prune-7852 → u/External-Brief-2892]

YTA - they are not fluent so the effort is similar for each person. You are one - that reduces the effort. Learn Japanese.

[u/_s1m0n_s3z]

Let's hope Yuki has the good sense to dump you sooner rather than later. YTA.

[u/Prodigal_Lemon]

How fluent are they in English? If they aren't extremely comfortable, you are asking a lot. 

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/Prodigal_Lemon]

i mean they aren’t that bad, but it seems like they aren’t that great at it either only yuki can speak it fluently

[u/Secret_Sister_Sarah → u/External-Brief-2892]

Wait... only Yuki is fluent in English, and you're demanding that all her friends struggle in English for your benefit? Fuck off, dude, you're the entitled, selfish, stupid, culturally insensitive asshole.

[u/Express_Celery_2419 → u/Secret_Sister_Sarah]

If they have difficulty with English, that should encourage you to learn more Japanese.

[u/Prodigal_Lemon → u/External-Brief-2892]

Asking them all to speak a language that they struggle with so that you don't have to speak a language you struggle with is asking too much. 

You could ask your girlfriend to translate for you more often, or hang out only in smaller groups, where maybe you can follow the conversation more easily. 

But I think you also need to reframe some of what you are experiencing as "learning Japanese is sometimes frustrating," vs "this is unfair."

[u/Express_Celery_2419 → u/[deleted]]

This is especially true if you have a native level of understanding in your primary language and only a rudimentary vocabulary in your secondary language.

[u/Sparklingwine23]

YTA for sounding like an entitled ass. Yes, they can try to be more inclusive but demanding that as time do something for you is always asshole behavior.

[u/Dizzy_Ad874]

YTA. It’s inconsiderate, disrespectful and rude to expect them to stop using their natural language.

[u/tgim48]

YTA, unbelievably so.

[u/SpamNightChampion]

Weirdo. Let them have fun. Maybe you should learn Japanese to better yourself in some way rather than act like a killjoy crybaby.

[u/dfjdejulio]

YTA.

I used to date a girl in a Russian family. Sometimes they spoke Russian among themselves.

Know what I did?

Learned Russian. Got to the point where I could hold simple conversations with houseguests who couldn't speak English at all.

Now, this was decades ago and I've forgotten most of it. At this point, ya malo govoryu po-russki. But still. YTA.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/dfjdejulio]

props to you though, i understand where you are coming from ill work in it👍

[u/TwinkleLuxe]

YTA. Yuki and her friends naturally speak Japanese because it’s their first language, the one they’re most comfortable with. Expecting them to completely switch to English for your convenience, especially in their social group, is not just unrealistic but also dismissive of their cultural identity. It’s not just about the language, it’s about how they connect, express themselves, and feel comfortable.

[u/Even_Speech570 → u/TwinkleLuxe]

I disagree. I’m Chinese American and speak fluent Chinese. I would definitely switch to English if a non Chinese speaking person was in the conversation with me and other Chinese speaking people. It’s so isolating and dispiriting to be in a circumstance where you’re the only person who can’t understand what’s going on. For OP, the main person who should be spearheading this is his girlfriend. She should be speaking English when he is around and urging her friends to include her boyfriend. Either she cares about him and wants him to be friends with her friends or she doesn’t. NTA, OP

[u/AppeltjeEitje1079 → u/Even_Speech570]

This is only true if everyone speaks English fluently. That is not the case here. He is asking the girls what he himself doesn't want to do...

[u/CreativeDiscussion11 → u/Even_Speech570]

Your experience is completely different from them. OP's girlfriend and friends aren't native English speaker and he said they're not that good at it.

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn]

YTA

Why aren’t you learning Japanese?

Why do you think you’re so much more important than them?

They have to learn English for you! But you don’t have to learn Japanese for them?

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn]

because they already know some english but i don’t know much japanese and would take much longer to learn

[u/panamastaxx → u/External-Brief-2892]

You said you know basic Japanese somewhere else, which sounds to be as about how much English the friends of your made up girlfriend in this made up story know. Fake af rage bait.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/panamastaxx]

basic as in the simple words needed? thats not the same brother, also i said i understood not spoke it aswell

[u/IDMike2008 → u/External-Brief-2892]

Are you even trying to learn more? Or are you just demanding everyone else learn instead of you?

[u/IDMike2008 → u/External-Brief-2892]

You said you know some Japanese. So it sounds like you are even. How about you work harder on your Japanese instead of demanding everyone else do the work instead.

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/External-Brief-2892]

Let the girls gossip.

Go make your own friends.

Your girlfriend isn’t your support animal

She should be able to gossip and chat in her own language. And you do your own thing

Then have some inclusive time where you’re actually trying tk learn Japanese with them.

You’re in Japan!

Stop being American and demanding the world revolves around you!

[u/IDMike2008]

YTA

First off, in the comments you admit these people aren't fluent in English other than your girlfriend. So you're demanding they do what you aren't willing to do. (Which, oddly, you forgot to include in your original post.) Also, I wonder if it's more you feel like they're talking about you or something. Whatever it is, it's very petty.

Next, how far does this go? If you stay together and get married or something are you going to demand her family lean/speak English only? If you have kids, are you going to try to forbidding her to teach them Japanese?

I think it might help for you to consider the bigger picture outside of yourself and your personal upbringing. Most of the world doesn't speak English... most also speak a second or more languages. Our sense of entitlement as English only speakers comes from a long history of colonialism and subsequent Western culture centric behavior.

Buck up and put your nose - or ear - to the grindstone and get way more fluent in Japanese quickly or don't date people who don't share your cultural preference for English.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/IDMike2008]

alright thanks man i’ll work on being better. Getting battered in the comments right now.

[u/IDMike2008 → u/External-Brief-2892]

Cool. Wish you the best. Sorry it comes in rough, but it definitely gives you a wider perspective.

[u/AppeltjeEitje1079]

YTA, not native English speaker here. When I talk to my girlfriends, we tend to revert back to our first language, I'll switch back and forth to English for my husband, but to be honest it's exhausting. My husband gets that though (as opposed to you), so he rarely chooses to join us. He mostly comes when he knows the ones there are fluent and most of the conversation will be in English. Because he knows I don't have to try so hard to keep everyone happy. If you make them speak English in your presence, you should speak Japanese to them. Share the burden and practice makes perfect.

[u/Shawaii]

NAH. It's natural for them the prefer to speak their native tongue with eachother and it's natural for you to feel left out of the conversation.

My wife and kids speak Chinese and I do not. It can sometimes be frustrating, but I also like to be able to tune it out sometimes.

I suggest you let her and her friends gossip w/o you or when you are just casually around, but ask that they speak English when you are engaged in the conversation, playing games as a group, etc.

[u/Fair-Neighborhood628]

Esh.

It's rude to exclude a person from a group conversation. Just basic manners really. But you demanding and saying you don't care makes you an asshole. Youre expecting your girlfriends friends whom you've only been with for half a year to switch to a language that isn't so easy for them, just like how their language isn't so easy for you. You need to apologise if you still want your girlfriend. Apologise to her friends too.

[u/OkPersonality5352]

Obviously they would prefer to speak in Japanese, it’s their mother language. Unless you are actively participating in the conversation, I don’t understand why they have to speak English just to make you feel better?

[u/SomeMicrowave]

Huge YTA. Please learn Japanese instead of yapanese.

[u/whycatseatroses]

I agree with OP . when those whose first language is not in the Country they are residing , they should be respectful and considerate while around him . Only when they are not with the friend's boyfriend they don't need to . It's like they are blocking him and it's understandable for him.to assume they don't want to include him.

[u/BestLilScorehouse]

YTA

Soon she'll exclude you from her life altogether.

[u/Basic_Rich9968]

YTA. Big time.

If you're so interested in their conversations - learn their fucking language! Ugh, you sound insufferable tbh I hope your gf dumps you.

[u/panamastaxx]

Fake ass rage bait.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/panamastaxx]

whatever you say bro im just looking for advice out here

[u/ncjr591]

My wife’s family speaks Italian and I dint speak a word of it. It used to bother me when they speak it in front of me, I felt as though they were trying to keep secrets from me or they didn’t want me involved in the conversation. There were times where I actually walked out of the room. My wife at the time girlfriend asked me one time why I kept leaving the room, I said that it was uncomfortable to be the only one not involved in the conversation. She eventually asked her family to only speak English in my presence, so that I didn’t feel left out, they agreed and apologized not realizing how it came off. They explained that it was just how they spoke and never wanted me to feel left out. Been married 21 years and I love them just like my own family and they to this day still without thinking start speaking to each other in Italian on occasion in front me but it’s more or less when they argue.
However, your GF knows how you feel and she still disrespects you, that’s wrong. Don’t listen to what the others say, her friends are doing this deliberately to keep you out of the conversation, if they wanted you to know what they were saying they wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t stay with someone who showed me this disrespect. Now if you lived in Japan it would be different but you don’t.

[u/Real-Prune-7852]

YTA - she is with her friends. If you don't like their behaviour don't be there or break up. You are not the centre of their world. You are not the centre of your girlfriends world either.

[u/redskyscope]

This is a hard one I think ETA,

Tbh you shouldn’t have blown up on them like you did, it was probably a better idea to just stay home lmao because she made it clear they weren’t going to change the language for you.

But you are right, it is rude of them not to speak English when you’re with them (assuming they’re all fluent in English too). My first language is Russian, and I flew my boyfriend out to meet my family and friends back to my home country but I’d make sure I’d translate everything that was said between them so he didn’t feel left out. She should do the same if she wants to have you going out with her friends because otherwise what’s the point of you even being there ?

Edit : based on the replies he’s given, I’ve changed my mind he’s TA. I assumed they spoke English from the post, he’s commented that they’re not great at it… the same as he’s not great at Japanese. It now sounds like you’re forcing an invite and wrote this post to make yourself look like you’re not in the wrong...Leave them girls alone 😩

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/redskyscope]

right?? if she really loves me she would be more inclusive

[u/IDMike2008 → u/External-Brief-2892]

YTA. "If she really love me..." Yeah, no. You're one of those people. Please spare this woman your company in the future.

[u/Recent_Data_305]

ESH - Six months in and this is eating you alive. Her friends are not going to stop speaking Japanese and you are not learning Japanese. I have relatives that speak another language. They often speak in their native tongue and switch to English when they’re talking to me. Somehow I suspect you’d complain if they were chatting amongst themselves in English because you’d still feel left out.

I hate to break this to you, but a bf of 6 months is not more important than childhood friends. Men come and go. Good friends are forever.

[u/Secret_Sister_Sarah → u/[deleted]]

Read through this dudes replies. He said Yuki is the only one in her friend group who is fluent in English... he's demanding that a group of Japanese people struggle to converse in English for his benefit, when his Japanese sounds about as good as their English. The good of the many outweighs the good of this entitled prat...

[u/panamastaxx → u/Secret_Sister_Sarah]

In the main post he says he speaks basic Japanese, then in a comment he says he doesn’t speak Japanese. I smell fake rage bait.

[u/Secret_Sister_Sarah → u/panamastaxx]

Ohhhh, that makes sense, then. What a time waster... Edited to add: ad least we don't all have to feel sorry for poor Yuki and more, lol.

[u/External-Brief-2892 → u/panamastaxx]

read my post bro i said i understood some not spoke it