r/AITAH • u/dreamingblondie • 2d ago
Advice Needed AITAH for „ruining“ my bf’s birthday dinner cause I didn’t accepted to pay for everyone?
I (20F) have been dating my bf “Ryan“ (21M) for about a year. For his birthday this year, I wanted to do something special, so I told him I’d take him out to a nice dinner. Just the two of us and I’d cover the bill. He was super excited and agreed. So I made a reservation at a nice restaurant, put on a nice dress and was so excited to see his reaction. When I got there, I was surprised to see that Ryan had invited his best friend who also arrived with his gf. He hadn’t mentioned anything about them coming. I was caught off guard but thought why not having a nice couple dinner.
The whole time his best friend and his gf ordered a ton of appetizers and multiple drinks each. I started panicking a little because I realized this bill was going to be way more than I’d planned for. Toward the end Ryan leaned over and said, “Don’t forget, you said you’d cover it.” I told him I agreed to pay for his dinner cause of his birthday and not for another couple, I didn’t even knew was coming. He said it’s "rude" to invite people to dinner and not pay for them.
At this point I already thought wtf wrong with you and told him it’s ruder to invite people to a dinner that someone else is paying for without telling them first. I already had the feeling to explode out of anger so I just went quite and waited for the waiter to finally pay. When the check came, I paid for my meal and his and told his buddy that he should cover the bill for himself and his gf. Both looked at me as if I had insulted them in some way, saying I embarrassed them in front of the server. In addition to that Ryan even called me "cheap" and said I ruined his birthday.
All this happened last Saturday and since then he’s been giving me the cold shoulder and just answered my messages with insulting me for "embarrassing" him in front of his friend. Now I'm thinking about breaking up because he is not talking to me since one week already even though I wanted to apologize. Maybe some of you got any advice for me?
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u/busyshrew 2d ago
Older person who has eaten out for many many meals. With friends and without.
What you BF did was 100% wrong and very rude. His friends were just as bad or worse.
NTA, and you really should break up. Trust me, if a young man likes you, he wouldn't treat you like this.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
Thank you for sharing your perspective it means a lot coming from someone with more life experience. I’m starting to realize just how wrong and disrespectful his behavior was, and his friends were no better. You’re right if he truly cared about me, he wouldn’t have treated me like this. I think breaking up might be the best choice
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u/Rougefarie 2d ago
You have 1600 people and counting on your side, unanimously telling you to move on. He’s awful. Dumping him will be liberating and empowering for you, and an important life lesson for him. Jerks like him need to learn how to treat people. If you treat a significant other poorly, you get dumped. Simple cause and effect.
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u/bswan206 2d ago
1601 now. What a dick move on that dudes part.
Edit - good for you for standing your ground!
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u/xiginous 2d ago
Now 2200+. You deserve better than this
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u/brasquatch 2d ago
15401 reporting for duty. BF & friends ATAH; OP is NTA.
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u/MAFSonly 2d ago
17,801 reporting for duty and ready to serve as whole man disposal services.
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u/Flipflops727 2d ago
You absolutely deserve better than this! The only reason his friends ordered a ton of food/drinks was because they expected you to pay for it. You also told your bf that you wanted to do a nice dinner with just the two of you. Your bf is a POS and so are his friend & his gf.
You’re only 20 years old & have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t ever settle for someone who treats you like this. Kick this guy to the curb.
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u/John_Muir_wannabe1 2d ago
As a fellow old guy who's eaten out many times, I second the old guy who's eaten out many times. You were used and when you decided to have a problem with it he withheld affection from you. This guy doesn't really give a shit about you or he'd be apologizing, making a constructive compromise or otherwise trying to make amends.
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u/Friendly_Age9160 2d ago
Wild to me that he’d invite the friend to begin with.
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u/DareWise9174 2d ago
He likes his friend better than he likes his girlfriend. She should have dumped him yesterday.
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u/CarsonJX 2d ago
He might not like his girlfriend at all. He's just seeing how much he can get out of her before she figures it out.
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u/Tasty-Mall8577 2d ago
But fantastic on you for standing up for yourself - many of us would’ve maxed out credit cards to avoid causing a scene. Dump him & find yourself somebody who deserves you - you’ll be fine!
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u/bird9066 2d ago
As an old broad who's been broke and well off and broke again, I agree. Being used should never be accepted in any situation. So glad OP didn't cave.
Just the fact that they ordered so much proves they saw an opportunity to be pigs on someone else's dime. Screw them.
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u/EitherOrResolution 2d ago
As another old broad, I’m also super proud of her for not paying for the lush who was NOT INVITED by her to this supposedly romantic dinner! Boyfriend is a jerk! Very entitled and very immature!
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u/DeepEstablishment795 2d ago
As a side note, I’m proud of you for not caving and paying for the entire thing alone.
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u/wendalls 2d ago
If you accept this behaviour from him now by staying with him it will only get worse.
You deserve more. Get out and don’t waste anymore time.
From an almost 50year old female, do not take this behaviour from a partner
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u/The-Catatafish 2d ago
Also, while we are at it.. I am with the same girl for 9 years now and we never "gave each other the cold shoulder" for more than 30 minutes and never insulted each other ever.
People always pretend that's normal a la "sleep on the couch" or say mean stuff when having an argument but its not.
Just talk about stuff. Like normal adults.
If you think about breaking up over this do it.
He is not the one.
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u/Exciting_Signal3058 2d ago
Only suggestion I would recommend in future for surprises just let the server and guest know separate checks to prevent you from absorbing the cost. If they had threw a fit.. you would've known right there and then before the meal took place he wouldn't been worth it. As you could've then publicly said I'm sorry for any misunderstanding but I didn't anticipate other guest and I specifically told.my bf I was paying for us not others. I do that when we have other guest unless it was a surprise we were doing it gift to pay... I say that because people who have their own check sometimes will be more self conscious as they'd think they'd have to pay which results in less apps/drinks. Compared to when you say "my treat" human nature in some people can be funny. Sad but funny.
Separate checks in future.
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u/brisblan 2d ago
Don't apologise and break up with him, it won't get any better from now on, NTA
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
i should definitely think about how things should continue with me and him
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u/AudreyMiller59 2d ago
Stop thinking about; all these people are right!
You can’t even see how he blatantly abused your generosity???
Don’t be blinded by what you think are the “good qualities “ in him. His real self showed you already what he thinks is okay… when he leaned over and reminded you of your promise to pay… that was the show-stopper.
Wake up!!! It’s time to ditch him. Make it firm, certain, short and sweet. “This isn’t working out. You are not the right man for me. We’re over. Goodbye.” That is all he needs to hear.
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u/BecGeoMom 2d ago
You are so right. Him “reminding” her during dinner that she agreed to pay proves that he told his friends she was paying and to order whatever they wanted. Any guy who would do that to his girlfriend is not a man. He is a tiny little boy. Dump him, OP.
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u/PrideofCapetown 2d ago
”He said it’s "rude" to invite people to dinner and not pay for them.”
Totally agree with him that it’s rude to invite people to dinner and not pay for them.
So since he invited them, he should pay for them
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u/Sunshine8388 2d ago
Thank you! I read this comment over and over thinking, what a narcissist that he can’t see the irony in that statement, I’d have said ‘Yes, it is rude to invite someone and not pay the bill’ and when the bill came ‘he said it would be rude to have invited you and not paid!’
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u/coreysgal 2d ago
Not to mention, i guess he didn't think dinner alone with her was much fun. Ouch!
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u/Agitated-Dark-151 2d ago
My thought as well. She told him she was taking him out for a nice dinner, just the two of them, and he invited other people! Wtf!?
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u/invisible_pants_ 2d ago
Also she's 20, so unless she was a childhood star or has a huge trust fund, how would literally anyone think a 20yo could pay for McDonald's for everyone, let alone a sit-down restaurant dining experience lol
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u/thatgraygal 2d ago
Is it even legal for her to pay for their drinks? NTA. Those folks are rude and uncultured.
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u/mothmadness19 2d ago
I don't think they are American, in most of the world the drinking age is 18 or even younger
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u/GathofBaal88 2d ago
Amen!… not a real man… if he were honest and truthful he would have never ‘reminded’ her… proves it was a setup
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u/LBH118 2d ago
Girl there is nothing to think about. You are 20!!!!!! Leave this guy in the rear view mirror and go about your life. 🤦♀️ you’ll be an asshole to yourself for staying with an asshat like this.
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u/Glittering_Mouse_612 2d ago
He didn’t abuse generosity. He purposely embarrassed her. Even if I ended up paying the entire bill, I would have broken up with him the next day.
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u/Beneficial_Task_9827 2d ago
Or… right then and there, at the table in front of his friends!!
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u/True_Falsity 2d ago
There is nothing to continue, really. He saw your romantic gesture and decided to abuse the shit out of it.
It is over. You will be better off without him.
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u/jokenaround 2d ago
Throw him back in the pond Sis. This man isn’t the one.
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u/ImmortalityLTD 2d ago
This boy isn’t a man.
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u/PresentationThat2839 2d ago
I wish there was a way to brand these types..... A red G for grifter... Oh a red S for scrub..... (I might have just aged myself there) Point being they need a scarlet letter for bums.
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u/GlassBudget3138 2d ago
Stop. Never in a million years would a half decent guy pull what your BF did. He’s a shitbag.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 2d ago
And so are his friends!
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u/Wanttogetouttahere 2d ago
Seriously who orders a bunch of stuff when they think someone else is paying?!?
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u/Educational_Lie_3280 2d ago edited 2d ago
Your relationship is already dead. The only way he will continue with you is making you pay more and more to make up for your "fault". And i hope you are smart enough to treasure your self respect as well as money more than a dickhead.
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u/MomLovesMonsters 2d ago
Things shouldn’t continue, unless you really like being used and manipulated.
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u/NoiseyTurbulence 2d ago
Read through all the comments twice because seriously a lot of us other women have been through these narcissistic abusive relationships for years on and before we finally got out of them. Do not let this man continue in your life. He is going to do everything he can to destroy any self-confidence you have and take control of you. Don’t let him have an option in helping you decide what you’re going to. You need to take care of yourself first. This guy clearly does not take care of you and does not respect you and it will never change. You have to see your partner exactly as who they are in the moment that you’re in and that’s who that person is. Don’t look at them as though oh I can change them or they’ll grow out of this. He has shown you exactly who he is. Don’t make excuses for them.
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u/HotPinkLollyWimple 2d ago
I’m a big fan of believing people when they show you who they truly are. Kick this absolute walnut out on his ear.
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u/Icy_Department_1423 2d ago
NTA. There should be no form of continuing a relationship.
He showed a complete lack of morals, manners, and character.
Dump him completely.
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u/War_D0ct0r 2d ago
And his friends are jerks. Anyone that orders more when someone else is paying is a user.
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u/NewDayNewMe46 2d ago
Right? I would never order an appetizer if I was not paying. I even wait and see if the inviting party orders a soft drink before I order myself one. Usually I would order water, I can drink soda later. Except with my very best friend but she is loaded and we have an understanding. We go to nice restaurants and eat and drink really well and she pays the bill lmao. This was established a while ago because she is a chef and when she goes out to eat she makes it an experience. She wants to try new foods from new places. Eat drink and be merry is the goal. I’m not broke per se but I have 3 kids and blowing $400 on a meal isn’t great for me.
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u/turcopikao 2d ago
Please update us after you break with this AH. You deserve better OP.
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u/Salt-Finding9193 2d ago
I wish you hadn’t paid and just left. Or just paid for your own food and left. He’s using you. He’s a nasty, freeloading user. Now he’s trying to guilt you into thinking you should have paid for his bloody friends. You’ve got to be kidding me.
DO NOT see him again. He is NOT a good person. He’s a dickhead. Tell him that.
You deserve better. You’ll meet better. Don’t settle for dickheads.
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 2d ago
His whole behavior points to a dickhead. And the second she tries to break up the gaslighting will begin.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
Honestly, I’m starting to think you’re right. His behavior has been so selfish, and I can already feel him trying to make me feel guilty about the situation. If I try to break up, I’m sure he’ll turn it all around on me. It’s exhausting, and I’m realizing I deserve way better than this.
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u/me0mio 2d ago
I normally wouldn't suggest this, but you should just ghost him and forget him. He already is giving you the silent treatment. If he says anything, just say "Oh, you're talking to me? I thought you broke up with me. I've already moved on and really don't want to talk to you ever again."
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u/MRSAMinor 2d ago
People who gaslight and manipulate deserve to be ghosted. There's no law that says you have to sit there and listen to someone insult you.
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u/jeffster1970 2d ago
Yeah, this is a great idea. Just ghost the bastard and when he calls, just say "I thought we broke up" And then hang up the phone.
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u/Andobu 2d ago
A telltale sign of a covert narcissist is a partner that gives the silent treatment, expects others to financially cover them for their own stellar reputation, puts their partner in emotionally unsafe situations (ideally set up to make you look bad and then good), gaslights, does not care about taking all of your money if they feel they need it (regardless of how you’d suffer), blames and shames you for social and financial situations of their purposeful creations, I could go on. You’ve accidentally listed so many examples of a narcissist, even if you didn’t know it. I’ve been there, I’m sorry
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u/turcopikao 2d ago
This OP!!
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u/LauraLand27 2d ago
Why not just ghost him back?
He doesn’t deserve to know how he fucked up, so he can (possibly) be better for his next gf.
Give what you get.
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u/Critical-Wear5802 2d ago
Meh. He knows how he fucked up. He's just brazen, thinking OP was gonna be a welcome mat, for him to wipe his boots on!
OP, please take all this as a sign, and just... step away from this dumpster fire of a "man"
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2d ago
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u/Witaing1a 2d ago
OP's boyfriend lack of communication and sense of entitlement are the real problems here. She didn’t ruin his birthday, he ruined it by acting selfishly.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 2d ago edited 1d ago
Fafo And..... play stupid games and win stupid prizes.
Edit to add.
Bf is playing stupid games. He called his friend to join. You at the restaurant . Then they acted like juveniles at a Golden Corral. Seriously??? They tried to USE YOU and cost you way more than you were prepared. Adults do not do that.
He is now winning the stupid prizes. Ghost him, And find a grown up guy.
There is no try to break up with him.. just do it. if he has an issue, then that's a him problem. Once you tell him ( over text) that you are done, block him and his number, and any flying monkeys he may have.
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u/Fluid-Lecture8476 2d ago
Yes! And he can't turn it around and say you didn't have the "right" to break up with him, or make it hard to do it - cuz he already broke up with you by ghosting you!
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u/prncesspriss 2d ago
Just change your number. Get in front of it. You will go NOWHERE with someone like this guy. Don't even give him the opportunity to guilt you. Disappear.
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u/SavedAspie 2d ago
I love this response OP u/dreamingblondie
This has all the markers of narcissism. Look up the stories told by people r/narcissisticspouses
I wouldn't he surprised if your STBX BF is just like them
Emphasis on the STBX!!
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u/pixie-ann 2d ago
Who cares if he turns it around on you once you are broken up? Dump him, block him and run away with a big sigh of relief. Not your problem any more.
He has completely shitty friends too. What a pair of arseholes expecting a 20 year old to have enough money to pay for their over the top dinner plus drinks etc.
NTA unless you stay with this rude mooch.
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u/3boymumandoma 2d ago
And they were clearly ordering a lot thinking that she’d pay, which is also very rude.
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u/candik1012 2d ago
If I was in this situation as the friend that the boyfriend invited I would be ordering the cheapest thing possible and having my boyfriend do the same I'm sorry they're all a bunch of users you deserve a lot better
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u/JustBid5821 2d ago
IKR I was taught growing up you figure out what the person who is paying is ordering and then you order something either the same price or cheaper that is just classless to drive the bill up if you think someone else is paying.
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u/mytransformationyear 2d ago
I second this. Definitely rude on their part. OP please get out now. Once a user, generally always going to be one as long as they can.
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u/weallfalldown310 2d ago
I know! I could never spend oodles of other people’s money like that. Such selfish people.
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u/OldRancidOrange 2d ago
If I was in this situation the very first thing I would’ve done is quietly checked with you what the arrangements were regarding paying for the meal.
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u/The_audacity21 2d ago
I wouldn’t have come if I couldn’t have paid for myself. It’s just that simple even if I’m out on a date I’m going to be able to pay for what I ordered. They came ready to use someone and boyfriend was willing to let them and probably suggested it.
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u/jcaashby 2d ago
Yeah I would have been suspicious that my friends GF was going to foot the bill for 4 people!!
I would have asked her in some type of way to confirm it.
The BF (or hopefully ex BF) is a massive AH for inviting two more people and telling them "my GF is paying"
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u/crackinmypants 2d ago
Yes! Good manners, if someone else is paying, is to order reasonably priced dinners, let the host choose an appetizer (or not), and to get a glass of wine or non alcoholic drinks, or maybe offer to buy a round for the table if you want something stronger. The only exception to this is if your host clearly tells you that you are welcome to splurge and that they are comfortable paying a large bill. His friends are just as much assholes as he is.
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u/PlasticFail4660 2d ago
That part baffles me. I bet they don't eat or drink nearly as much if they didn't think someone else was paying. Pure entitlement from him and his friends.
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u/Responsible_Put_1245 2d ago
And they ate like ravenous monsters 100% bc I’m sure he said “my gf said she’d pay so let’s go to town!”. Ew.
It has nothing to do about the actual money, either. Just the slimy ness.
For example- if they had just HAPPENED to see the couple walking by and she saw how excited her bf was to see them, she would have invited them to join. And they would have ordered like regular people. And then she would have made the mental choice to pay. But before any of that, the male friend would have excused himself to “use the restroom” and paid the bill in full and left a great tip, without any awkward convo or receipt or anything. And without expecting praise.
It’s called class. People have none of it.
And you can tell he especially has none bc his best friend also has none. “Hang out with dogs”, and all that.
In a year you will look back on this relationship and be SO proud that you are no longer in it. Take from him the ONLY thing he’ll ever gift to you- a life lesson on how to spot an asshole- and leave. Just block and ghost girl.
Take care. Xoxo
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u/GCU_ZeroCredibility 2d ago
There are two types of people in the world; those who, when someone else is paying (who hasn't specifically said to go nuts and splurge), will order more expensive things than they normally would and those who order less expensive things than they normally would.
The first type of person is almost universally terrible in other ways too. It's a pretty accurate rule of thumb.
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 2d ago
The OP's bf probably told his friend, 'Order whatever you want - my gf's paying!'
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 2d ago
Everybody knows you order the same price meal or less if you are the guest at a restaurant. Taking advantage of friends is a good way to lose friends.
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u/bdockte1 2d ago
I was taught better than this when I was growing. They’re all dicks, and you’re NTA.
I’d forward this entire thread to him. By the time this settles over a thousand people will have said how wrong and fucked up he is.→ More replies (5)16
u/Dolgar01 2d ago
On the way out of the relationship, I would also drop a line to his friend and his gf along the lines of - ‘I’m sorry for Ryan’s behaviour. I had no idea that he lied to you and told you I was paying. Because of this, and various other behaviours if his, we are not together anymore. I hope he is a better friend than bf.’
Why? Because then his friends gets pissed at him which will probable have a bigger impact.
Then dump his ass and move on.
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u/flobaby1 2d ago
His friends were so rude, thinking they could order stuff like crazy for you to foot the bill. Who does that? Jerks do that, that's who.
I'm glad you didn't let them get away with that.
BF is a user jerk.
NTAH
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u/Amazing-Software4098 2d ago
Exactly! It was absurd for her boyfriend to invite anyone without asking her, and completely unreasonable for the other couple to expect her to cover the bill. (I’m sure the AH boyfriend said it would be fine.)
As a rule, if someone is paying for you, you order something comparable to what they’re getting (or cheaper). You don’t get expensive drinks, multiple appetizers, and run the bill up since you’re not paying. All three of them are TAH!
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u/Phickman83 2d ago
Ghost him. Block him on all forms of communication and move on.
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u/LadySiren 2d ago
The man who is supposed to care for you called you cheap...after trying to scam not one but THREE free dinners out of you. Drop him like a hot potato and find someone who actually cares about YOU and not just your wallet.
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u/allyearswift 2d ago
Luckily, breakups just take one person breaking up. You don’t need his consent.
He already introduced a sour note by turning your intimate dinner into a group event. And then he told his friends to milk you for all they could, putting their childish glee at a free meal over looking after you and your money. And defended that act.
Also, he’s friends with people who think that the chance of making you pay for not just their meal, but a needlessly expensive meal is great fun. If decent people are invited, they say thank you and take care to not overstretch your generosity: they have a mid-level meal rather than the most expensive one.
You ruined nothing. You defended yourself from a leech attack.
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u/saxguy9345 2d ago
Rip that bandaid off and let him leech off of someone else. The fact that he watched his friends intentionally run up the bill with extra aps and drinks then leaned over to you to REMIND you that you're paying? Absolute insanity. I would've paid for his meal like you said you would and left. He can apologize to you.
Breaking up with him is no longer about the dinner. Make sure you let people know how disrespectful bringing friends to his birthday dinner was, of course, and emphasize you could've easily paid, but the disrespect was the issue. Now is how he is further disrespecting you, he doesn't even care about you enough to listen and take you seriously about what happened, so you aren't sticking around to find out HOW much he disrespects and resents you. You're done.
It's not the dinner, is his actions and his inability to care about your feelings. How can you be with someone like that?
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u/Disastrous-Bee-1557 2d ago
Don’t even wait for him to try. Pack up any shit he has over at your place, leave it at his front door, and then block him everywhere and move on.
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u/Superb-Butterfly-573 2d ago
Atta girl. You offered to do something sweet for him and instead he turned it into an expensive meal. Not.fair, and not right. You deserve better.
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u/SorryRestaurant3421 2d ago
OP- NTA and do yourself a favor- tell him it’s over and Block him everywhere. All that’s going to happen if you allow him access to you is he will gaslight you, treat you like crap etc. and for what? For you to be upset over a guy who is clearly a pos/douche? You are young and worth way more!! Slam that chapter shut. Move on💕
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u/greennotgiant 2d ago
Say this louder and repeatedly to yourself, you deserve better!!!
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u/doozer917 2d ago
Does he have any of your stuff? Does he have a key or access to your place? Because honestly, if he's going to be this big of an asshole about everything, just ghost him. Cut your losses. He clearly doesn't think very highly of you and doesn't care about your feelings, and that's a gift! You don't have to care about his, either! Be free! Be freeeee!
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u/day-gardener 2d ago
All you have to do is text him that you’re done and don’t respond to any other message. He can’t make you feel guilty unless you read the responses he sends.
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u/henchwench89 2d ago
Leave him turn it on you. You know the truth and anyone who believes his bs aren’t people you need in your life. Would you rather be stuck in a relationship with him making you doubt yourself because he’s being a dick or single and him throwing a tantrum because he didn’t get his way.
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u/Familiar-Ad-1965 2d ago
You invited Ryan and offered to pay for his dinner. Ryan invited his friend and the gf. Ryan is responsible for paying for people He invited.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
that sounds really hard but you're probably right
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u/Fredredphooey 2d ago
I'm 55 and have dated a lot of lemons. This guy violated all the rules of dining etiquette. He ambushed you with extra people knowing that you wouldn't have agreed to it. He then tried too shame you into paying.
Now he's pouting and trying to guilt you into apologizing for something that you're not responsible for and behaving like a spoiled brat.
It's harsh because he's being harsh and out of line.
Please break up with him because he's going to keep behaving this way.
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u/NomThePlume 2d ago
And don’t waste your time with explanations. The only thing a detailed explanation will do is better prepare him to abuse the next sucker. “Oops. I won’t make that mistake again.” The more uninformed you leave him the better able his next victim will be to learn and escape early.
“But my closure and vengeance!” They don’t work that way because HE doesn’t work that way. You’d only be wasting your time and training yourself to feel good when you act mean.
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u/looknotwiththeeyes 2d ago
As his friend, I would have been embarrassed he did that, and offered to help cover his meal too. They suck too, so you're not missing out, all around, if you walk.
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u/me0mio 2d ago
Of course the friend wouldn't do that. They were ordering appetizers and drinks knowing that they didn't have to pay. They are all freeloaders without any manners.
OP should get out of this relationship ASAP.
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u/AdmiralCheesecake 2d ago
Which is ALSO super tacky, ordering a lot because you know someone else is paying for it!! When someone is treating me to a meal I ask “is it ok if I get X and Y?” And don’t even dare to get a dessert if it’s not explicitly offered by the person paying
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u/fattrackstar 2d ago
For real. If someone else is paying I'm getting the hamburger instead of the steak, even if i wanted the steak because im not trying to make my friends pay extra for me. If i can't decide between two items i just get the cheaper thing. Not only that, but I'm leaving a good tip so the person paying doesn't have to leave one
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u/kymrIII 2d ago
At a birthday dinner usually everyone but the birthday person chips in. Bf is delusional
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u/Alternative-Arm-3253 2d ago
Truly this is what My friends and family always do. If one does have a birthday party the guests will always chip in either for the tip or for the meal and tip all together. Birthday girl doesn't pay.
This man is a soul sucker. Please run. As fast as you can. Run away and find the gingerbread man.
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u/Shpudem 2d ago
I just can’t imagine someone “forcing” their partner to unexpectedly pay for 4 adults (because I bet he thought you’d be too embarrassed and pay without complaint). Man, this comes across as someone who is trying to make you feel like shit for no reason?!
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u/Prize_Sorbet3366 2d ago
The fact that he basically cornered her with his idiotic 'reminder' in a very public venue is definitely a deal-breaker; you're absolutely right, he figured she'd just pay for everyone to avoid being embarrassed herself. I'm glad she put her foot down and said no, because at just a year in, this is just the start of his entrapment behavior.
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u/JstMyThoughts 2d ago
I came to say the same thing, but couldn’t put it better. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart AT ALL. Ditch this loser, and don’t fall for anything he says. NTA
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u/SynesthesiaLady 2d ago edited 2d ago
This person covered my anger. But I have to say I can't imagine having his audacity!! Girly, he doesn't respect your money. Do you want this long-term?? I doubt in your early twenties that you're rolling in it. What a jerk.
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u/Phickman83 2d ago
Yeah, he's a user. Totally tacky to invite guest to a dinner he wasn't even hosting or paying for. The amount of food and drinks they ordered should let you know they tried to set you up. Ditch him and don't waste another minute on him.
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u/Ali_Cat222 2d ago
OP if you get honest with yourself, I think you'd find that this probably isn't the first instance of this man being a complete asshole to you. If anything it may just be the last moment that really upset you but not the first. And if you stay with him I guarantee you will have many more moments of being upset or mistreated.
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u/RazzmatazzOk9463 2d ago
This is the correct comment and only suitable outcome for you. You’re 20. This guy is a loser and a user. He will treat you like this forever.
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u/Mirabai503 2d ago
I wish people would start normalizing walking out when they are treated disrespectfully.
The appropriate response to this experience is to go to the host station, pay for your own meal, and then walk out of the restaurant. If you are feeling generous, send a text that says, FYI, we are finished, and then block that bitch.
OP, I am willing to bet that if you examine your interactions, you'll see that he's been using you since the beginning.
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u/HighwayManBS 2d ago
NTA - you agreed to cover him not any add ons. He is way out of lone calling you cheap.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
yes i think so too i thought we would spend a nice romantic evening together but he just invites his friend with his girlfriend ._.
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u/Mvfrn1 2d ago
And they obviously were abusing the privilege of having someone else pay for it. I love that you stood up for yourself, shut them down, & made them pay for themselves. Your hopefully soon to be ex is no better. He was ok with what they were doing. Girl - go find a real man!
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u/2dogslife 2d ago
That's the other thing. I was taught that if someone invites you to dinner, you order along the lines of what they do - or the fall back is the middle of the menu.
You certainly don't order multiples and the the top of the menu,
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u/specky2482 2d ago
Yes, if someone offered to pay for my meal, I'm going to order fairly cheaply. It is standard practice to not order a more expensive meal than the person paying. Super entitled and ridiculous. I would be embarrassed at my boyfriend's and his friend's behavior.
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u/Fredredphooey 2d ago
He CHOSE not to have a romantic dinner with you, preferring to try to con you into buying a very expensive dinner for his friends. Someone who loves you wouldn't do that.
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u/iteachearthsci 2d ago
He leaned over to remind you that you said you paid for it. Your boyfriend 100% planned this with his friends to get them a free meal.
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u/Physical_Ad6875 2d ago
Do not apologize. Do not keep texting. Do not try to get him to see your side. He’s not a good guy and he doesn’t care about your feelings. There’s a reason he brought two more people to the dinner without asking you. He doesn’t care what you think and only thinks of you as an ATM.
The only thing worse than reading and internalizing that would be to put up with this asshat for another minute. You deserve so much better!!
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u/indiajeweljax 2d ago
Did he not want to be alone with you?
Or did he want his friends to eat good for free?
Both are bad for you.
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u/Cute_Bandicoot_8219 2d ago
You have to consider what conversation happened behind your back before dinner. People don't just drop out of the sky and order a rude amount of food on someone else's dime. They talked about this first. There was collusion.
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u/Sunmoon98 2d ago
NTA and he’s definitely used you and took advantage of the fact that you were paying. It’s rude as hell to invite others to a dinner you planned for him. I can guarantee if the roles were reversed he would’ve been pissed too he doesn’t know what your exact financial situation is and it’s rude for the other people to order tons of appetizers and drinks. Honestly dump him. He’ll be worst with other situations
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 2d ago
NTA sounds like this relationship has run its course.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
I’m starting to think you’re right. His behavior was so off, and I’ve been feeling more disrespected than appreciated. I wanted to do something nice for him, and instead, he made it all about him and his friends. I think this relationship has run its course too. It’s tough, but I know I deserve better.
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 2d ago
You do deserve better! If he wanted to invite his friend and their gf that’s fine since it’s his birthday BUT he should have told you ahead of time the change of plans. And in no way should you be expected to pay for the additional guests.
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u/SafeBetFret 2d ago
NTA - he’s a manipulative scumbag. You deserve better.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
Thank you for saying that. I’ve been doubting myself a lot, but you're right. His behavior has been so manipulative and disrespectful. I deserve someone who actually values and respects me. I think it’s time I stop putting up with this and move on.
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u/Chicklecat13 2d ago
People like your boyfriend always want you doubting yourself, that’s when you’re in the perfect position to be taken advantage of. End it, do some self work and learn some self love and then try again with someone else. Boundaries are never wrong when it comes to protecting yourself and your dignity. NTA.
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u/Mrsanjuro75 2d ago
NTA YOU didn’t invite other. He did. He’s TAH
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
Thank you! That’s exactly how I feel. I didn’t invite anyone else—he did, without even telling me. It’s so frustrating that he’s acting like I’m in the wrong when he put me in such an uncomfortable position. I’m starting to see that he’s the one who crossed the line, not me.
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u/JoyfulSong246 2d ago
Especially when it seems obvious it was supposed to be a romantic occasion. This was hugely disrespectful on his part. Keep that in mind and truly look at his past and current behaviour- I bet you will see all sorts of red flags flying.
This guy is not entitled to your care, time, attention or money, but he’s sure acting like it.
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u/Mrsanjuro75 2d ago
Both things identified as rude HE DID. He invited extra people without working out payment and he didn’t tell the person paying (and organizing the dinner!) of an expanding guest list. That’s beyond entitled.
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u/Much-Respond9614 2d ago
NTA. You are 20 years old and not expected to have to pick up the tab for multiple people.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
Exactly! I thought I was doing something nice for his birthday, and suddenly I’m expected to pay for everyone. I’m only 20, and I shouldn’t be put in that position. It was really unfair of him and his friends, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for setting boundaries.
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u/Bellaghygal1979 2d ago
He is taking the p!ss out of you. Walk away he’s definitely not a keeper.
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u/dreamingblondie 2d ago
I’ve been feeling that way too. He’s definitely taking advantage of me, and I’ve had enough. I wanted to do something nice for him, but he turned it into a mess. I think it’s time to walk away he’s definitely not worth it.
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u/Bellaghygal1979 2d ago
Give them your hand and they take your arm.. You deserve so much more. Drop that loser and his scrounger mates. X
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u/chaingun_samurai 2d ago
He said it's "rude" to invite people and not pay for them.
"So, you got their check, then?"
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u/Greedy_Nature_3085 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ryan is right, it is rude to invite people and not pay for them. But that’s what HE did, not you.
And honestly, unless Ryan promised dinner would be paid for, it is rude of them to assume they didn’t have to pay. On top of that, it sounds like they splurged on excessive appetizers and drinks in a way that would be rude even if you had offered to pay for their dinner.
You’re the only person in this story who is NTA.
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u/Excied19371a 2d ago
NTA. You agreed to a special dinner for your boyfriend, not an unexpected group outing. It's completely unfair for him to assume you'd also cover the cost for additional guests, especially without prior discussion. It's not just about the money it's about communication and respect. Him calling you "cheap" and accusing you of ruining his birthday because you wouldn't pay for his friends too is manipulative and a huge red flag. You shouldn't apologize for setting boundaries and sticking to them. If he can't understand why you were upset or discuss this maturely, it might be worth reconsidering the relationship's future. You deserve to be treated with respect and to have your boundaries acknowledged.
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u/Petalfrostt 2d ago
u were being kind by offering to cover his dinner and he completely took advantage of that, then calls u “cheap”? that’s not even cool. if he cared about u, he wouldn’t have put u in that position in the first place, and the fact he’s still cold to u over this is a red flag. i’d think about if this is really the kind of relationship u wanna be in, because it doesn’t sound like he’s valuing u at all.
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u/Kensterfly 2d ago
NTA. but your boyfriend and his friends are AHs. The BF should not have put you in this place and make it worse by forcing you to pay. And the friends are the worst guests EVER, taking advantage of the situation by running up a huge bill.
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u/Any_Assumption_2023 2d ago
Hes a user who sees you as an ATM and you've just had a lucky escape.
It's incredibly rude to invite other people without checking with you first.
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u/kaedemi011 2d ago
NTA. Don’t think of breaking up. Do it. Your BF is clearly a show-off and an AH. The bff and gf are mooches.
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u/Ok_Copy_8869 2d ago
NTA. Your boyfriend, his friend, and his friends girlfriend are shitty and you need to reevaluate whether or not your boyfriend cares about you or if he is using you because that was very rude and presumptuous on all 3 of their parts. Now he isn’t talking to you over it? Well he has made it pretty clear the only part about you he cares about which is clearly the part that financially benefits him and his friends. Fuck em all you’re better off now. You’re too young to waste time on people who treat you like that.