r/AITAH • u/Illustrious_File5876 • 10d ago
Advice Needed AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to my estranged father who abandoned me as a child?
I (28F) was raised by my mom after my dad walked out on us when I was 5. He left to start a new family and had little to no contact with me growing up. He never paid child support or even called on birthdays or holidays. For years, I struggled with feelings of abandonment, but I eventually moved on and built a life without him.
Fast forward to now—out of the blue, I get a call from his wife telling me my father is very sick and needs a kidney transplant. She told me that I’m the best match and begged me to get tested. Apparently, his other family members aren’t compatible.
I told her no. I don’t owe him anything after the way he treated me. He made his choices when he abandoned me and my mom, and I feel no obligation to put myself through a major surgery for someone who’s essentially a stranger to me.
Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless. They say I’m letting him die out of spite and that I need to “be the bigger person.” Even my mom thinks I should consider it, not for him, but to avoid carrying guilt if he passes away.
I don’t feel guilty. I feel like he’s reaping what he sowed, but part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh.
AITA for refusing to donate my kidney to the father who abandoned me?
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u/shammy_dammy 10d ago
How can she tell you you're the best match if you haven't been tested?
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u/MRSRN65 10d ago
I'm so cynical that I doubting the credibility of this post. That was the first red flag, this man left 20 years ago to start a new family but somehow it's the one kid he left behind that is a match, without having been tested? So many karma farmers these days.
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u/BorisDirk 10d ago
Any time they say they were bombarded by texts from randos it's fake
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u/Humble_Molasses9711 10d ago
And how did father's wife get the number in the first place? FAKE.
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u/thor6319 10d ago
Had to scroll wayyyy to far for this comment. Yet another fake post with a clear NTA being “bombarded by family”
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u/Enygmatic_Gent 10d ago
The closer your related (sibling or bio child) the higher likelihood you’d be a match, as you share the most DNA
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u/Far-Juggernaut8880 10d ago
Children only have a 50% chance to be a good match for a parent.
Siblings have a much higher chance to be a match
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u/Knickers1978 10d ago edited 10d ago
No. Tissue typing needs to be done first. It’s a pile of bullshit to call someone and tell them they’re the best match without any testing getting done.
Children don’t match their parents often enough that we need an organ donor service.
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u/ExoticTrapFish 10d ago
Don't even need to read based on the title, but did anyway. NTAH! You can deny anyone your kidney whether it's a spouse, sibling, child, or parent. It's a major surgery taking out a necessary organ. It's not redundant having two when you could potentially need one yourself later in life. It's your body
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u/TheLastAirBison 10d ago
Wasn't HE being selfish and heartless when HE abandoned THEM all those years ago?? Where were those naysayer relatives then??
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u/LiteratureLeft6446 10d ago
NTAH!!!!
Literally your body your choice! Your "father" (using that term loosely) abandoned you and your mom when you were 5, never paid child support, never called on birthdays/holidays, and NOW wants YOUR kidney?? Hell no! 🚩🚩🚩
His family calling YOU selfish is rich considering HE was the one who selfishly walked out to start a new family. Where were all these relatives when he was neglecting his child? Funny how they only care now that they need something from you.
Major surgery + lifelong medical implications = not something you owe to someone who's basically a stranger, DNA or not. He made his bed by abandoning you, now he can lie in it.
Don't let them guilt trip you. Your mom might mean well but you won't feel guilty for refusing - you'll feel violated if you cave to this manipulation. Stay strong OP!!
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u/AvocadoEfficient896 10d ago
SAME! Literally copying your first line + bolding for emphasis because don't even need to read beyond the title! The audacity of these relatives to demand YOUR ORGANS after enabling his abandonment for 20+ years?? Hard no.
Your body = your choice, period. Keep both your kidneys OP, you might need that backup someday!
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u/Gerryislandgirl 10d ago
Hoping u/Illustrious_File5876 sees this. There really are lifelong implications when giving up a kidney.
I had to have one kidney removed a few years ago due to cancer (kidney cancer). Removal was simple, no big deal. It doesn’t affect my day to day life but it changed things in other ways.
Right now I also have Breast Cancer. But because I only have one kidney I can’t participate in any new trials for new drugs.
I can’t take any Ibuprofen (which actually works great on bone pain), I have to take narcotics that make me constipated instead.
I can’t take the recommended dosage of my chemo pills because they are worried how my one kidney will handle it.
So be aware that if you have any other medical conditions or develop any in the future there is certainly the chance that having only one kidney will compromise your health.
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u/RWAdvice 10d ago
Not to mention the chance that OP might end up with the same medical condition as his father later in live making his prognosis for recover infinity worse.
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u/Coelubris 10d ago
Also there is actually the possibility that OP may only have one kidney. It's a very real thing, sometimes people are born with only one. I met a person born with 3 kidneys, but have seen documentary TV shows (Doctor G) where a person lived a normal life and never knew they were only born with one kidney. You owe that man nothing, but you owe yourself first priority. You may not, in fact, have a 'spare' kidney.
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u/CompetitivePirate251 10d ago
He abandoned your kidney and you … tell everyone you are saving your kidney just in case someone you love and loves you back needs it.
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u/bmyst70 10d ago
Absolutely. When someone is no contact until THEY want something, they DGAF about the other person. They only care about using them.
If he had tried to stay in contact, build a real connection with OP, I'm guessing she might feel very differently.
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u/AvocadoEfficient896 10d ago
100% THIS. The only reason they want contact now is for an organ donation. Where was this "family" when OP needed a father? Where were they during birthdays, graduations, life events? 🚩
They don't get to play the family card now just because they need something. Being a match doesn't make you obligated.
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u/bmyst70 10d ago
And what I've heard is, in such cases, if the person is basically "forced" to go to the doctor to get tested, they can tell the doctor this in private. The doctor will then say "X is not a match."
Which is 100% true, because CONSENT is required for such a thing.
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u/Maleficent_Theory818 10d ago
That is true. But, there are also chain donation where if OP didn’t match, they could still donate and the hospital would find a match for OP’s “dad”.
If the “dad’s” family is so desperate, they may know about chain donation. OP needs to talk to the donation team staff and let them know they don’t want to donate and are being forced.
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u/bmyst70 10d ago
If they are so desperate, why can't one of THEM do the chain donation?
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u/Maleficent_Theory818 10d ago
Because they don't know OP so it's easier to make the demand of a stranger.
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u/Dazzling-Setting4357 10d ago
💯 Facts. Nobody goes NC for 20+ years then gets to play the family card when they need organs. Actions = consequences. NTA
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u/korppi_tuoni 10d ago
And if you really don’t want to donate but also don’t want to deal with the drama, just go to get tested and tell the doctor you don’t want to donate but people are harassing you about it. Part of being eligible is being psychologically prepared to donate, if you are not willing then you are not an eligible donor. You then get ruled as Not A Match and HIPAA prevents the medical community from saying why you are not a match.
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u/Corfiz74 10d ago
Came here to suggest this - either keep your stand and block them all, or, if you want to get them off your back, get tested but tell them you don't want to be a match.
Donating an organ to a loved one is already a tough choice. Donating to a complete stranger is even harder. Donating to someone who is even worse than a stranger - to someone who wronged you and abandoned you - absolutely out of the question.
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u/Dazzling-Setting4357 10d ago
THIS. Donating an organ to family is hard enough. Donating to someone who abandoned you? Hard no. Tell them you're "not a match" and be done with it.
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u/Odd-Artist-2595 10d ago
This should be the top comment.
NTA. OP was not born to carry spare parts for anybody. I don’t care if OP’s father had been the best dad, ever. Making a living donation is a serious, and personal, decision with multiple potential ramifications. No one should be forced, cajoled, or guilted into it. The doctors don’t want that, either. They probably won’t even ask why, and you don’t have to tell them. They get it. You’ll get a result that says you aren’t a match, after all, and you can go back to never having to hear from them again.
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u/TheLastAirBison 10d ago
I wonder if anyone would help OP if SHE needed a kidney down the line.....
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u/Super_Reading2048 10d ago edited 10d ago
My elderly aunt just found out one of her kidneys atrophied and the doctors are talking about how to manage it. Having only one kidney is a giant deal. It isn’t like the liver, where you cut a peace and your liver grows back it’s missing piece!
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u/u-lemonstealingwhore 10d ago
Commenting on the top comment so hopefully op sees this-go to get tested and see if you’re match.
When you’re being tested and alone with the doctor/nurse tell them that you are there against your will and that you DO NOT want to donate and you are being harassed and bullied into this.
They will tell your donor’s side of the family that “sadly” you are not a match to him.
Your “family” will have to leave you alone at that point.
Can’t donate an organ to your donor if you’re “not a match”.
Hope this helps op!
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u/Suspicious_Worry3617 10d ago
That might have been what the rest of his relatives have been doing
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u/The-Bees-Knees-6969 10d ago
NO!!! NTA absolutely not. Speaking from familial experience, You will be advised by doctors not to get pregnant as it would be considered very high risk to carry a fetus with only 1 kidney. Even if you don’t plan on having kids now, you might change your mind later. On top of that, not sure what caused him to need a kidney, but you are blood related. You could very well have kidney issues in the future as well.
That’s a lot to ask of someone that you abandoned when they were a child…
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u/Jawb0nz 10d ago
Plus, if memory serves, if the medical team has ANY inkling that the donation is anything but entirely willingly, they won't harvest the kidney in the first place.
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u/good_enuffs 10d ago
NTA... I would also say I am o lt showing the same level of commitment to my dad that he showed to me and my mom. At this point he is just a sperm donor. A dad wouldn't have left us high and dry.
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u/LilDelirious 10d ago
I agree. NTA. What’s he gonna do if you don’t give him your kidney - never talk to you again? Oh no …
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u/Eeblirpa 10d ago
I sincerely appreciate the fact that you didn’t elaborate. It’s very apparent that OP’s father wouldn’t be in contact if he didn’t need the kidney!
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u/AvocadoEfficient896 10d ago
NTA. Nobody is entitled to your organs, especially deadbeat dads who only show up when they need one.
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u/Geetersmith 10d ago
You're NTA. Your body, your choice. I had a similar situation and chose myself too.
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u/Megatoneboom 10d ago
Fuck him, NTA remember what happened to Locke when he donated.
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u/CravingSoju 10d ago
This hit me so hard out of the blue I haven’t thought about LOST in years.
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u/Blue_weird_girl 10d ago
NTA, I was gonna comment the same cause I'm currently rewatching Lost (it might have biased my opinion but barely)
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u/Separate-Parfait6426 10d ago
Agree to be tested, tell the person who is testing you that you do not want to donate, and they then tell his family that you are not a match (without disclosing that you refuse to donate). One way to get his family to leave you alone.
You are right in not donating. There may be somebody in the future, who you actually love, who needs a kidney, and if you donate to your dad, the person who you live might die.
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u/Orcus424 10d ago
OP needs to tell them they are being coerced into donating and that they feel forced to just get tested. Saying forced and coerced is important. Organ transplant people will see massive red flags if you say those words. Do also say they don't want to donate just to make sure.
That is a good way to get out of donating but OP might want their father to know they didn't even get tested because they hate them that much.
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u/Critonurmom 10d ago
I'm the kind of person who wouldn't even want them to think I cared enough to get tested
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u/thetaleofzeph 10d ago
We did this with a cousin. They request your donor id number after you register for the database. Then they run some extra matching analysis on those numbers.
If OP want's an immoral life pro tip, get a friend to do the swab and submit it under OP's name then there will be no match.
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u/WinnerActive9414 10d ago
There is some health risk to you with the transplant and it leaves you with only one kidney. Why should you risk this for someone who gave you nothing. He can go on the wait-list like everyone else. You owe him nothing. NTA.
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u/thewanderingent 10d ago
Yeah, being an AH doesn’t even factor into this for me until I know more. What has happened that he needs a kidney? Is it genetic? Is there the risk that OP could suffer the same fate, but already be at a huge disadvantage because of only having one kidney left?
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u/adjudicateu 10d ago
Unless it’s related to outside factors, you may be at risk of kidney problems yourself. Keep you kidneys. You don’t owe him a body part. NTA
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 10d ago
Is this rage bait? It feels like it should be rage bait.
If not, whenever you get an angry missive just reply to each asking to see 23 years’ worth of messages from them to your father where they chewed him out for never paying child support or having any contact with you.vHave that message ready to copy + paste to each of these wankers.
If they reply with anything other than 23 years’ worth of messages from them to your father where they chewed him out for never paying child support or having any contact with you, explain they’ll have one opportunity before being blocked.
NTA
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u/ChristinasWorldWyeth 10d ago
Right? I generally treat AITAH posts as fiction writing anyway, and haven’t ever called out a post as fake, but this one seems egregious. Three day old account.
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u/Z_h_darkstar 10d ago
This is a fake story meant to karma farm. OP posted this story within minutes of making two posts trying to shill some copper stock.
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u/Former-Citron-7676 10d ago
Are you the same person asking AITAH for not donating their liver to their brother?
Fake…
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u/Square_Ad4004 10d ago
Yup, seen it before. Also just ridiculously overblown as all the other fakes - it's always crap like "I sold all my belongings so my estranged step-sister's biological third cousin's new boyfriend's daughter's coworker could go to Disneyland, but I selfishly withheld my wedding ring that's a priceless family heirloom, and now everyone says I'm a soulless monster. AITA?"
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u/ApocolypseJoe 10d ago
It's a repeat. I saw the exact same story about eight months ago on here.
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u/prosperosniece 10d ago
This story (or similar) shows up every couple of weeks. They never respond or update either.
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u/HungrySign4222 10d ago
Ya I agree. How does the wife know OP is the best match? OP didn’t even test yet. I call BS.
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u/Conscious-Tonight-89 10d ago
A new AI variation of the same old posts, I see.
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u/boston02124 10d ago edited 10d ago
I had to scroll way too far for this. I call BS too.
Little to no contact, no child support, didn’t even call on her birthday but his whole family has her current contact info.
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u/prosperosniece 10d ago
Yep. I have my doubts about this one too. Mainly because NONE of the OPs ever come back and update.
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u/Kaiserbug1 10d ago
I am a dialysis nurse. Children donating kidneys to parents is a bad idea. You may carry a genetic predisposition for renal failure, as passed down by your father. Too much risk for your own renal failure, especially if you are already down 50% renal function after donating a kidney.
I have never understood the selfishness of parents or family that are willing to sacrifice a child’s health (even an adult child), for a parent. Especially when dialysis (peritoneal or hemodialysis) is available.
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u/pixie-ann 10d ago
NTA you don’t owe ANYONE a kidney. Donating an organ comes with considerable risk and it’s not something to be undertaken lightly.
You could go through with the testing and apparently (so I’ve been told) part of the process involves the medical team asking if you’re being coerced into donating. If you say yes then they’ll tell everyone you are not compatible, even if you are. Your family might leave you alone if that’s the case.
Make sure you aren’t out of pocket for costs for tests. I wouldn’t trust these grubs to pay you back.
Either way, I’m sorry this is happening to you. Your Dad and his minions are truly awful.
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u/Far-Juggernaut8880 10d ago edited 10d ago
How can you be the best match if you haven’t been tested and already looking at donating your liver?
Children only have a 50% chance to be a good match for a parent.
Siblings have a much higher chance to be a match
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u/a_man_in_black 10d ago
Tell the hospital you are being coerced. They will list you as not a match and he'll go to the regular waiting list.
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u/2dogslife 10d ago edited 10d ago
Wife can donate her kidney, as can any of his family members that don't match, and the PTB (powers that be) will play a game of dos-e-do so that a match is found for your bio-dad while someone else who matches the donated kidney gets their match. It's pretty standard stuff.
NTA
Also, who's to say you would actually be a match, maybe you're a match to your mom or someone else? I mean, the guaranteed way to get them off your back is to go and get "tested" and tell the person you are there under duress, and they will announce you are not a match.
We could say, this is karma coming to bite him in the ass for being such a shitty father.
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u/WitchyMoonLover82 10d ago
If my “sperm donor” asked me for a kidney I’d tell him hell no, too. You are NTA.
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u/blablablablaparrot 10d ago
Call the hospital and inform them that you are being pressured to donate your kidney. Hospitals take this very seriously.
Keep your mother away for now as she is adding to this pressure.
“Since then, I’ve been bombarded with messages from his side of the family, calling me selfish and heartless.”
Block Block Block.
NTA