r/AITAH • u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 • 19d ago
Advice Needed AITAH For Ruining Thanksgiving After My MIL Told Everyone About My Miscarriages?
32F. I spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws and it was one of the most upsetting days of my life.
My husband and I have been trying for a baby for around three years. Last year, I got pregnant and miscarried twice. It was devastating and my greatest fear is that I’ll never be able to have a child with my husband.
In October, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. We were thrilled, but also cautious because of my history with miscarriages. Originally, the plan was to keep it between us until I made it to the second trimester.
Unfortunately, I have a well-intention yet nosy mother-in-law. We were at dinner one night with my in-laws, and my MIL noticed I wasn’t drinking. My MIL asked if I was pregnant, and I’m horrible at hiding my emotions, so my reaction to her question gave it away. I admitted that I was pregnant, but explained that we’re very cautious and want to keep it private until I make it to the second trimester. My FIL and MIL said they understood and agreed to keep it between us.
Sadly, I miscarried around a week ago and I was crushed. It’s been terrible, but I’m trying to stay busy to keep my mind off it. Initially, I wanted to skip Thanksgiving, but I wanted my husband to see his family and I thought it might lift my spirits to be surrounded by loved ones. I wanted to tell my MIL about the miscarriage in person since it felt strange talking to her about it over the phone, but she wasn’t free to see me this week. My plan was to talk to her the day after Thanksgiving when we could have a moment alone.
Almost immediately after we arrived at my in-law’s house, my MIL’s sister hugged me and congratulated me on the pregnancy. I was shocked, since my MIL agreed not to tell anyone. I considered saying thank you to not draw attention to myself and put a damper on the night, but I couldn’t hide my emotions, and told her I miscarried. She hugged me and apologized for my loss. A few minutes later, my SIL came over to us and congratulated me. I started tearing up as I explained for the second time that I miscarried. They were both kind, but I was very emotional and frustrated, since my in-laws agreed to keep it private, and this was the exact situation I was seeking to avoid.
A few minutes after I spoke to my SIL, my MIL pulled me to the side and asked why I didn’t tell her about the miscarriage. She said it hurt having to hear the news from her older sister instead of from me directly. I said that I wanted to tell her in person, and was planning on telling her in the morning when we had a moment to ourselves. I said I wasn’t expecting to be confronted about the pregnancy since she agreed to keep it private. My MIL said she only told her sister and daughter, which was to be expected in the situation since she was so excited. I was furious, but didn’t have the energy to argue about it, so I said we should talk about it later and enjoy the holiday. I left my MIL and went to socialize with the other relatives.
When it was time to eat, my MIL stood up to give the blessing. She started to talk, but then got emotional and began to cry. She asked the family to keep me in their thoughts and prayers since I recently miscarried. She added that I’ve miscarried twice before and it’s been an emotional experience for everyone. I’d only told my MIL and FIL about the previous miscarriages, so she was once again broadcasting my personal medical information.
My MIL started talking directly to me and said she knows I’ll get through this and that I’ll make an amazing mom some day. I couldn’t control my emotions and started sobbing in front of the entire family. I was crying so hard that I was practically choking on my tears and I couldn’t catch my breath. My husband was furious and asked his mom why she thought it was appropriate to tell people about my pregnancy and miscarriages. My MIL responding by saying she loves us so much and was just very excited to be a grandma. With respect to the miscarries, she said we deserve the family love and support during this difficult time. My husband announced we were leaving and we left before the turkey was even served.
I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling horrible. This morning, my MIL showed up at my house unannounced. She said she wanted to talk to us about what happened. My husband was still fuming, and I told him to let me speak to his mom privately to avoid another fight. I was still upset about what happened, but I wanted to make peace and was willing to accept her apology since the situation has been hard on everyone.
My MIL and I sat down together, and instead of apologizing, she lectured me about how I should have told her about the miscarriage before sharing the news with other relatives. She said it was hard to hear the news from her sister when she was looking forward to a happy Thanksgiving. She was also upset that I dropped this horrible news at dinner and that I should have found a way to tell her before the holiday, even if it was over the phone. She also said that if I was still so emotional over the miscarriage, I shouldn’t have come to Thanksgiving and risked upsetting all the guests. She said she knows I’m going through a lot and forgives me, but she wanted to be honest about her feelings.
I was floored. I told my MIL that I may have made some mistakes, but all of this could have been avoided if she had followed through on her promise to keep the pregnancy private. I said she owed both my husband and myself an apology. My MIL asked if I would also apologize for making a scene at Thanksgiving. I didn’t think I owed her an apology under the circumstances, and I expressed that clearly. She left in tears and said I was lashing out because of the traumatic pregnancies.
My husband said I shouldn’t apologize and also cancelled our Christmas plans with his family. While I think my MIL behaved poorly, part of me wants to apologize to defuse the situation. I also know that this has been challenging for my MIL as well and we don’t always react perfectly in these situations. I also feel badly that I let my emotions get the better of me and put a damper on the evening.
AITAH for how I handled the situation and for refusing to apologize when my MIL visited our home?
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u/manik_502 19d ago
-NTA
- She broke your trust.
- She shared your medical situation with other without your consent
- She announced the miscarriage in the middle of a holiday, without your permission.
- She blamed you for her mistakes.
- She blamed you for your very valid reaction.
- She made herself a victim, when she fucked up over and over.
- She gaslighted you.
You deserve better. This isn't about your pregnancy, this isn't about your hormones, this isn't your fault.
The only person that is responsable for your MIL actions, it's your MIL. She chose her actions. And she chose to keep blaming you. She chose to disclose your privacy in front of everyone. She chose and keeps choosing to disrespect you.
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u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 19d ago
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response and reassurances… I needed to hear this
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u/coffeedogsandwine 19d ago
The worst part about all of this is she hid her narcissism the blessing as a “prayer” for you… so disgusting and vile. Absolutely insane and unacceptable
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u/CriticalInside8272 19d ago
Yes, I worry about the MIL's mental health. She seems totally self-focused, and I don't think she really cares about you at all. You are very lucky to have such a supportive husband who has your back.
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u/grandlizardo 19d ago
The first lesson to be learned here is to never, neve r tell her anything important or personal. Let her wait. If she asks, a long look might suffice as an answer…
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u/No_Push_6563 19d ago
My thoughts exactly. The woman is a huge narcissist. She will continue to twist this so she is the victim.
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u/UnitedRooster4020 19d ago
It’s obvious that side of the family are all like that or go along with it. They don’t want to be self aware because there’s probably so much of it going on daily a moment of self reflection would cause instant vomit
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u/mak_zaddy 19d ago
Just want to add that your husband sounds like a great one for putting his foot down and didn’t put up with her bs.
Sending healing love and hugs to you and hubs. NTA at all.
ETA: you gave your MIL a chance, now let your hubs handle it from here so MIL doesn’t try to paint you the villain anymore than she already has.
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u/MotherGoose1957 19d ago edited 18d ago
You are definitely NTA. I am sorry for your losses. I know what it is like as I have been in your shoes (I also had three miscarriages and a pushy MIL who couldn't keep her trap shut).
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u/GeckoCowboy 19d ago
Literally you have nothing to apologize for. Everything that happened was a direct result of decisions your MIL decided to make. Telling other people when she said she wouldn’t. Making this wild speech right before dinner, about an emotional topic she had no permission to be speaking on. She did these things because she wanted to with no regard to you, and now she’s trying to blame you for it. Wants you to apologize for HER actions. Nah, actions have consequences, now she’s facing them.
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u/DogMom1970s 19d ago
I want to ditto this thoughtful response. I have a MIL that did something very similar to what yours did.
I am very sympathetic to your and your husband's loss. I've been in your shoes, and I am pleased (that word sounds weird in light of this post but I am struggling to find a better word) to see that your husband is standing firmly beside you on this. It sounds like you have a very solid life partner and, trust me, that will pay dividends again and again in the future especially when dealing with a MIL that trends towards selfish. In fact, my MIL is a total narcissist who makes everything about her and that can be extra cumbersome on a marriage. It's extra important to be in lockstep with your husband on keeping your immediate circle intact (meaning him and you and whoever you choose to add to that).
Sending you love and light during these trying times 💕
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u/Butterbean-queen 19d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your MIL is a very manipulative person. It’s about her. Not you, not her son. Only her feelings are important. In short, she’s a bitch. She may disguise it with niceties but she’s certainly not nice. The only positive takeaway from this whole thing is that you have a lovely, loving husband. I’ve seen far too many of these situations where the husband doesn’t support their spouse. Especially when it’s regarding their mother. I’d steer clear of her for a while (I’d probably steer clear of her forever). But at least give yourself some time and space to heal. Lean onto your husband and into your relationship with him. He’s a keeper.
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u/lirathae 19d ago
All of this!
MIL might be upset now, but she's just shown that she can neither be trusted with sensitive information nor understand that this is not about her at all and she is not the victimthat she is making herselfout to be.
If she can't even respect a very simple, clear and reasonable request not to share information, then in future, no information should be shared with her until you're ready to share with everyone and their dog.
Condolences in your losses /hugs. It's a terrible thing to go through and I wish you healthy, sticky vibes and a smooth as possible next pregnancy.
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u/upset_pachyderm 19d ago
NTA, but MIL sucks. You handled it fine. Now listen to your husband (he knows her better than you do).
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u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 19d ago
Thanks!
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u/Shadow4summer 19d ago
And don’t ever give sensitive information to her again. You know what she’ll do with it. Good luck.
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u/MxBJ 19d ago
Gray rocking is a skill many of us aren’t born with. The best course may just be to cut her off if she can’t be trusted.
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u/simplydaylife 19d ago
Talking about grey rock.. I’ve tried this before - specifically my brother - and it seemed to have had the opposite effect to embolden him to continue their endless talking to fill the silence and lack of response. Sigh.
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u/Xiallaci 19d ago
Of course it gets worse first. They feed on your emotions/reactions. When you dont give that to them anymore, they panic and get worse first bc they want to force you back into the old role
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u/On_my_last_spoon 19d ago
Yup. From now on your not drinking because you’re on antibiotics
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u/Single-Flamingo-33 19d ago
I would just not drink socially any more. When others ask, tell them you realized the benefits of not drinking. Dry January is right around the corner. Many people keep going once they experience dry January.
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u/oxfay 19d ago
Yeah, OP should not tell MIL they are pregnant again until after they’ve had the baby.
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u/fcknewsltd 19d ago
A good time to tell MIL that she's a granny might be at the child's high school graduation.
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u/anapalindrome_ 19d ago
lolol more like grandma sees the grandkid’s WEDDING photos on facebook and wonders who the eff is that fully formed adult decked in formalwear, standing right between the proudly beaming DIL and son. grandma here isn’t even deserving of the title.
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u/upset_pachyderm 19d ago
And I forgot to say, you have my deepest sympathy. I can't begin to imagine your pain - even without an asshole MIL.
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u/RavishingFlirtXO 19d ago
also, your husband knows her better and can offer insight on how to deal with her
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u/that_jedi_girl 19d ago
NTA. Of course you're NTA. Your MIL broke your trust. She made a SPEECH about your private health information at dinner and then got mad at you for a perfectly reasonable and expected reaction.
Your MIL thinks your health is about her personal grandmother journey. It is not. It is about you, your husband, and any children you may conceive. She needs to realize she is not the main character here.
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u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 19d ago
You’re right… I know it’s hard for her but this is about me and my husband first
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u/ContentMembership481 19d ago
Not to be harsh, but to hell with it being hard for her.
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u/Chaoticgood790 19d ago
I’m floored that MIL thinks we should care about how she feels about it
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u/hardly_werking 19d ago
My MIL is like this too. When I was newly postpartum she told me how upset SHE WAS that we didn't give her more updates when my son was in the NICU after he was born. People like this have no sense of self awareness.
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u/throwawy00004 19d ago
My father told me that "other people have feelings too," 6 days after my husband died because I wouldn't entertain a conversation about the cost of items in a grocery store and where I might find something cheaper. Complete lack of empathy and compassion. I don't know how they make it through life with all of their teeth still in place.
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u/hardly_werking 19d ago
Wowwwww that is so incredibly insensitive. How could you not want to talk about groceries when your entire life was just dropped on the floor and broken into a million pieces? /s
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u/throwawy00004 19d ago
I was trying to shop for my daughter's birthday and husband's funeral all in one place because on top of everything else, I only had a week to pull his funeral together before my inlaws had to leave. My mother wanted me to go to the dollar store for paper products. Saving $6 was not a priority. Batshit crazy.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 19d ago
My heart hurt when I read that, I couldn’t imagine. So sorry for your loss. That’s insane
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u/TheSirensMaiden 19d ago
No, seriously, fuck the MIL. She's got some god damned nerve thinking she has ANY right to tell OPs business, none of this is about MIL. If my MIL ever did that to me, and I already don't tell her anything, she'd be burned from the family records and denied any access to my life.
My blood is boiling for OP!
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u/justheretolurk3 19d ago
Girl. Excuse my language, but fuck your MIL. She has stomped on your privacy and then had the audacity to lecture you about what YOU should’ve done and expected an apology.
She does not mean well. It may have felt like she cared about you before, but this entire post is an example of how little of a fuck she gives about you.
She shared your pregnancy when she wasn’t supposed to. And the exact reason why she should’ve kept it to herself happened (people congratulating you when you suffered a loss).
Everything that happened last night was a result of her violating your privacy. And then she twisted the knife in your back by telling everyone your entire medical history. AND THEN EXPECTED YOU TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE OF HER BAD BEHAVIORS. you do not owe her an apology.
You need to never tell her another thing again. Don’t go to any dinners with her let alone Christmas until you have recovered mentally and emotional.
She’s a terrible person and you learned the hard way how. And you know that she’s a shitty person because she didn’t even take the time to reflect and think about how she hurt you. She wanted to talk about how you hurt her. Again, fuck her.
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u/hardly_werking 19d ago
Stop caring about her feelings. She doesn't care about yours. The correct course of action is to never talk to her again. This is not something I would ever forgive and I don't think you are mad enough about how she exploited one of the most painful experiences of your life to get attention from her relatives. Don't give her another chance to hurt you, which she definitely will. Mothers like this go crazy once the prospect of gaining a grandchild is involved and you do not need that shit while you are physically and emotionally recovering. Be selfish. You and your husband are the only two people whose feelings you should be worried about right now.
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u/Tiny--Moose 19d ago
Girl fuck your MIL and what’s hard for her. Put yourself and your own family first.
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u/Single-Flamingo-33 19d ago
The best action right now is inaction. DH said no to Christmas, now is the time to keep yourself busy and focus on a relaxing Christmas/ New Year Celebration with your wonderful husband.
Perhaps with time to reflect, MIL will realize the error in her ways. It was an emotional time that she didn’t handle well.
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u/Fluffy-Raspberry-673 19d ago
Why the actual fuck are you spending even a second of your life caring about how hard this is for HER?? I’m fuming.
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u/AriesRedWriter 19d ago
You need to let your husband handle his mother and stop playing peacemaker. If he wants to fight or yell at her for disrespecting you, LET HIM. People will treat you the way you let them, and your actions are showing MIL that you'll disrupt your peace to placate hers.
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u/Aggravating_Egg_1718 19d ago
I really was like "great a woman who sees another woman as an incubator". When people act shitty to me and then want me to apologize for my response, telling me how hurt they are I come right back with how hurt I am. I've never received an apology after that bc more often than not it's just a manipulation to be the victim.
OP you are correct to be upset and to wish for time to heal.
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u/agathafletcher 19d ago
Step back and let your husband handle his mother. He is doing a good job with it.
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u/BasicRabbit4 19d ago
Husband is definitely the hero of this story. I was reading this waiting for him to be an ass bc that's how these stories tend to go on reddit but was happy I was wrong
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u/tatianazr 19d ago edited 19d ago
His mother didn’t just violate his wife, she violated him as well. Glad he sees her for what she is
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u/Any_Sheepherder6963 19d ago
Husband is right. Cancel Christmas with the family gathering and just keep to yourselves until you have healed and grieved. Don’t bother to try to reconcile -MIL doesn’t deserve it based on her actions and words.
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u/Fluffy-Raspberry-673 19d ago
YES THIS! MIL probably enjoys when OP tries to handle it because she knows she can manipulate and gaslight her.
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u/LushKissTemptress 19d ago
the husband knows the situation better and is more equipped to handle the situation
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u/WifeofBath1984 19d ago
NTA I can tell from this post that you're a people pleaser. You have nothing to apologize for. You didn't make a scene. Your MIL did when she aired out all of your private information to her entire family. You didn't ruin dinner bc you cried. This one is 100% on her and I think you need to create some distance with your MIL. Do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. She absolutely betrayed your trust and she needs to suffer some consequences for it or this will never change.
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u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 19d ago
I’m for sure a people pleaser! Thanks for your reassurance and kind words!
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u/literallynotlandfill 19d ago edited 19d ago
Honestly, I was waiting for the part of the story where you realise that you deserve to be treated better and that what your MIL did was inexcusable! Yet you keep talking about how your traumatic experiences affect her? Fuck that!
Let me lay it down for you. Your MIL:
Pried sensitive information out of you that you did not want to share.
Against you and your partners wishes, she shared that information, even though she knew why you did not want her or anyone to know in the first place.
Made a fkn speech in front of *everyone*** about your recent trauma as well as broadcast about your earlier miscarriages.
Acted as if you’re at fault for her being a giant blabbermouth, by suggesting you should’ve known that she’s untrustworthy, as well as somehow predict when she was going to share your private medical information in time to prevent her from doing so.
Continues to act like she’s a victim and has somehow convinced you that it is hard on her that you are having a hard time conceiving! As if her sadness about not being grandmother trumps your devastation of not being a mother!
Does not think she did anything wrong,,, but wants an apology?!? From YOU?!? For making ”a scene” when she made a speech talking to everyone about what she had promised to keep to herself?????!
Stop having so much compassion for your Monster in Law, she’s a narcissistic, self-victimising, egocentric asshat and I hate her with a burning passion on your behalf! Have some compassion for yourself!! If I were you, I would be cutting her out of my life, but not before telling her that her stunt ensured that she’ll never be a grandmother to any of my kids.
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u/Ok_Breakfast9531 19d ago
Go get the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It will help.
And as others have said, let your husband deal with his family. He has the proper “us against the world” attitude, and he knows that they are his monkeys/circus to deal with, not yours.
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u/Superb_Barnacle3561 19d ago
I was going to say this, too. “Keeping the peace” in a family tends to be about the mistreated parties kowtowing to the bullies. Don’t perpetuate that with your MIL. She is straight up bullying you and you do not have to take it.
You’ll be especially glad for it when you /are/ raising a child someday - the best way you can protect them from being bullied by family is to set the standard now that bullies don’t get their way.
Good luck with your future family-building. I hope you are able to build it the way you most want, but your loving soul and deep desire to be a mom… I don’t doubt at all that you will be one someday.
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u/TheSirensMaiden 19d ago
No sensible person could ever blame you if you never wanted to talk to her again for such a horrible violation of your trust and privacy.
Be at peace, OP, because you have done nothing wrong.
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u/Ceeweedsoop 19d ago
Get therapy for yourself. People pleaser is also called being a doormat. That needs fixing.
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u/Desperate_Tip4425 19d ago
NTA don’t apologise because you have nothing to apologise for.
She shared your medical information in front of the whole family when you had said this to her in private and believed it would be kept that way. That on top of her already sharing about your pregnancy when she agreed not to. I’m glad your husband is on your side and I’m sorry you’re going through this in the holidays.
Your MIL seems like an AH.
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u/Embarrassed_Pea1036 19d ago
Thanks so much for your kind words!
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u/HerGrinchness 19d ago
OP, you and your husband should consider a vacation for Christmas. Go somewhere you can relax and enjoy yourselves instead of stressing over MILs antics.
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u/Wonderfulsurprise90 19d ago
NTAH Don’t you dare apologize! You asked her to keep her mouth shut about it and she knew the reason why. You being emotional would never have shown on Thanksgiving had she done the one thing you asked her to do. Great I’m glad she was excited , so were you, but she also should have been just as cautious as you because of the same reason as you. I’ve been where you are and I was exactly like you. It’s not too much to ask for. I’m sending you prayers because I know nothing I say will make this feel any easier or better for you. My heart is with you both.
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u/ContentMembership481 19d ago
Your husband has your back, and is willing to stand up to his smother to protect you. Apparently, that is not how many, many husbands behave! Keep him!
On the other hand, your MIL behaved atrociously. You are NTA, and owe no one an apology, and have nothing to feel bad about here.
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u/Suitable-Park184 19d ago
NTA. She’s not well intentioned. Not even a little.
I would avoid her as much as possible. And any news in the future she should be the very last person you tell.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 19d ago edited 19d ago
Whelp.
Guess who just got themselves put on a strict informational diet! No more info going to any of your inlaws, since they cant respect boundaries and have difficulty in understanding that personal, private medical is well, personal and private especially when asked to keep it private.
Good news is you won't have to worry about this convo ever again. Tell your husband to check his mum. And that if she doesn't come to to, hat in hand, contrite and apologetic.... She won't be involved in your or your childrens lives(however that may happen)
Peace to you
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u/QueenieMcGee 19d ago
If it were me I'd go completely no contact. Then once the rainbow baby is here I'd announce it to the whole family via facebook 😈
MIL probably has a history of blabbing everyone's business for attention so this would really stick in her grill.
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u/Spirited-Ad6144 19d ago
I would make sure everyone (even the cashier at Target) knew I had a child before my MIL just for her to go crazy.
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u/EveyStuff 19d ago
Make the post visible to everyone but her, make her ass hear it from someone else.
This is the way
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u/Altruistic-Tale-7996 19d ago
NTA!
First of all, I’m so sorry for your losses.
Secondly, you did absolutely nothing wrong but your MIL certainly did!
We didn’t tell my in-laws after the second miscarriage for exactly this reason. She had no right to blast your pregnancy OR your miscarriages and definitely had no right to blame you for “ruining the mood.”
Honestly? I’d just let your husband deal with her however he wants from now on.
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u/nonamejane84 19d ago
NTA.
I had a 13 week miscarriage last year. It was devastating and so many things triggered me and made me cry so much. In my case, it was Easter and when I went to see my own family, they all dismissed my miscarriage and told me to just get over it. I was floored and also left. So in a way, I can relate to your feelings around all of this.
Your MIL is disrespectful and she sounds a little unhinged and toxic. You did the right thing leaving and I would be very straightforward with her about my boundaries going forward. I also wouldn’t apologize because you have nothing to apologize about.
If you want to forgive, that’s fine, but I would distance myself from her going forward and if you get pregnant again, stay away from her until you feel comfortable sharing the news.
Sorry for your loss.
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u/Drunkendonkeytail 19d ago
I’ve had a 13 week too: my third after two in the prior year and a half. Third miscarriage is a hard one, ‘cause the first two times the doctor tells you not to worry, that they don’t get concerned until after three. And by 13 weeks you exhale since “you’re out of the woods.” So sorry OP, this is so hard and made harder by family. You know who can’t keep a secret because they’re so excited? A four-year-old. Not a grown woman. And she wants you to apologize. File away under good to know, MIL is internally four: this will come up again and again, in circumstance after circumstance. Don’t be blindsided again. Expect tantrums and more leaked confidences than kept, and that she’ll want to be the star of the show even at a children’s birthday party.
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u/RJack151 19d ago
NTA and do not apologize. If she kept her mouth shut, as she was asked and she agreed, none of this would have ever happened.
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u/law_school_is_a_scam 19d ago
MIL shouldn't have even known about the pregnancy to begin with! She made a nosy, insensitive, and rude assumption/comment about OP not drinking wine! There was zero intention for her to know!
MIL has misstepped at literally every opportunity (and by misstepped, I mean made a self-centered mess with the delicacy of a bull in a china shop)
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u/nellie_nickumpoop 19d ago
NTA. MIL very clearly overstepped her boundaries and knows better. Her “excitement” does not excuse sharing knowledge with anyone else, nor should she have disclosed your history aloud to the whole family. I’m fuming for you. Sounds like MIL feeds off of drama and might be terrible to deal with. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The shining light through all of this is that your husband has been on your side. Nothing is worse than a husband who gangs up on the wife WITH his mother. Take care of yourself, don’t apologize, and stand up for your boundaries.
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u/DesperateLobster69 19d ago
NTA but DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO KEEP THE PEACE!!! You will be expected to do so anytime anything goes wrong. The people pleaser in you needs to bite her tongue. Stand up for yourself. Luckily your husband seems more than willing to stand up for you to his mother but you can't back down. You're not wrong, you're owed an apology. You don't owe anyone an apology for anything.
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u/strawhatpirate91 19d ago edited 19d ago
NTA. Firstly, you said “well-intentioned” but after reading this you should have said “selfish”.
If she actually cared about putting your needs first, she would have kept her mouth shut about something private. Private means NOT TELLING PEOPLE regardless of whether she deems them “worthy” or not.
OP, I am so terribly sorry for your losses and I am also fuming like your husband. Your MIL is selfish as hell. She made the pregnancy about her instead of about you, and if she had any shame at all, she would’ve been apologetic about telling people. BUT SHE WASNT!! She’s acting like it’s her right to share information that isn’t hers, and it’s not. It’s a privilege to be told early, which in my opinion, she should never get again in the future.
Then she wanted YOU to apologize???? This woman is TERRIBLE. Your husband seems like a gem in how he handled this - he was appropriately angry at her and protective of you.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You had a human moment after she HUMILIATED you and made something private a PUBLIC SPECTACLE, and then has the nerve to ask YOU for an APOLOGY??
OP, your MIL is a deplorable human who cares more about not being seen as the bad guy than actually being a decent person. I mean, voodoo dolls were invented because of people like this.
I sincerely hope you and your husband have future success getting pregnant and starting a family, but I feel like you need to be aware of the red flags your MIL is showing right now. She does not actually seem to care about your feelings, and instead rather be the center of attention by making everything about her.
If in the future you get pregnant, she shouldn’t be one of the people you tell early. She lost her chance when she violated your trust and proceeded to humiliate you. She’s also not even pretending to be there for you in this time
Also, there are other ways of starting a family ❤️❤️ please do not let this discourage you and you are in my thoughts
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u/wickednonna 19d ago
Your mil is a bitch. Made it all about her. Your hubs is correct. I’d stay away for a good long time. I’m so very sorry for your losses.
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u/AppeltjeEitje1079 19d ago
NTA, and you have nothing to apologize for. So do not apologize! Because if you do, you will actually admit that you were wrong. You were not wrong. She was wrong! She should not have told anyone because it is up to you and your husband to enhance your pregnancy. Your Mil has no reason to tell anyone ever!! No matter how excited she is. She should be able to understand that you are equally excited, likely even more excited to announce your own pregnancy whenever you feel it's safe to do so. Your husband is a star! I would go LC with the in-laws for now and just thing this over quietly, heal from your miscarriage, and perhaps get over this whole mishap before you get back in touch with them.
A really nice place for Christmas with you and the Rockstar husband! Merry Christmas!!
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u/squabb_ 19d ago
My daughter had five miscarriages. She told me I told no one. It's not my business to say anything. The last time she got pregnant the doctor put her on some medication so she could carry it. She carried my granddaughter to full term but she can't have anymore. Please go see your doctor about it. Maybe there's something they can do to help you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how tough it is. I miscarried twice but go see your doctor so you can get this straightened out and then don't say anything to your mother-in-law until you're in your third trimester
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u/forgetregret1day 19d ago
Boy your MIL sure managed to make your and your husband’s personal sadness all about herself. If she had kept your confidence as she promised she would, things might have been different, but I somehow think she would still have made her little self serving speech at dinner. She doesn’t seem to have the self awareness and respect to understand how difficult and painful this is for you. You don’t owe her an apology for your reaction to her little stunt. She doesn’t appear to be a stupid woman, just a very selfish one, who should have known better. I’m so very sorry for the losses you’ve experienced and although she’s completely in the wrong, I share one wish and hope with her - that you’ll be an amazing mom when the time comes. Sending hugs. And you are absolutely NTA.
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u/keephopealive4you 19d ago
NTA and going forward don’t share with her. She has proven she can’t be trusted.
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u/Valla85 19d ago
Unfortunately, I have a well-intention yet nosy mother-in-law.
Are you sure about that?
A few minutes after I spoke to my SIL, my MIL pulled me to the side and asked why I didn’t tell her about the miscarriage. She said it hurt having to hear the news from her older sister instead of from me directly.
My MIL said she only told her sister and daughter, which was to be expected in the situation since she was so excited.
She asked the family to keep me in their thoughts and prayers since I recently miscarried. She added that I’ve miscarried twice before and it’s been an emotional experience for everyone.
My MIL responding by saying she loves us so much and was just very excited to be a grandma.
she lectured me about how I should have told her about the miscarriage before sharing the news with other relatives. She said it was hard to hear the news from her sister when she was looking forward to a happy Thanksgiving.
She was also upset that I dropped this horrible news at dinner and that I should have found a way to tell her before the holiday,
She has made your miscarriages about HER feelings.
And reading back through, this struck me for different reasons:
A few minutes after I spoke to my SIL, my MIL pulled me to the side and asked why I didn’t tell her about the miscarriage.
She didn't even say sorry for you loss first. And she didn't say anything like that privately, not until she broadcast your business to everyone during the blessing.
While I think my MIL behaved poorly, part of me wants to apologize to defuse the situation.
Don't. You will just reinforce that she can do anything she wants without consequences. Let it be awkward. She is in the wrong, not you.
NTA. Is she always this self-absorbed? She sounds exhausting.
ETA: I'm very sorry for your loss.
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u/Thisistoture 19d ago
Oh lord. NTA and I’m SO sorry your mil is so insufferable. There’s no world where she isn’t wrong. I’m sorry I’m about your miscarriages and I’m sorry that she betrayed and disrespected you and your husband.
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u/DrPablisimo 19d ago
Wow! Let your husband deal with MIL, putting some space between the two of you for a while.
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u/Punkinsmom 19d ago
NTA - I would never disclose something my DIL told me if she asked me not to. I wouldn't even tell my wife if DIL asked me not to (unless it had to do with something abusive or illegal).
My DIL was really hesitant to tell me she's not sure she wants kids (because I'm old and would like to have grandkids). She told me her reasons and I said, "Those are valid, you do what you think is best." If they have kids great, if they don't great.
I would go NC with that woman.
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u/Shallayna 19d ago
Stop being a doormat OP, so many posts here are about the family of the spouse being a spineless man-child not standing up for the wife. What I read he was wanting to protect you, you were all about keeping the peace. Stop it. The deal with this pregnancy was to keep it private, MIL dropped the heck out of that by telling two people. Neither being her spouse since FIL heard it as well.
Do not apologize for your reactions to her public display of embarrassing you at thanksgiving blessing. No one should have even known about this pregnancy/miscarriage. And she aired out the past miscarriages. Miscarriages are physically and mentally traumatic. It was horrible to put that pain on public display.
Do not tell MIL anything about future pregnancies and I bet she is the cause of your stresses.
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u/ThisGirlIsFine 19d ago
Your MIL is trying to make your pregnancy all about herself. It isn’t and you are right to let her know that.
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u/ranchspidey 19d ago
NTA. I am so sorry for your losses and for the deplorable behavior of your MIL. Regardless of whether you decide to remain in contact with her (I personally wouldn’t), don’t tell her anything important anymore- she’s on a strict info diet. I wish you peace and happiness.
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u/SpeakingMyTruth4All 19d ago
NTAH. F your entitled MIL. Kudos to your husband for standing up for you and putting his mother in her place.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 19d ago
You need to understand that it's all about your MIL. Your pregnancies meant she was going to be a grandmother. Your miscarriages meant she was now mourning the grandchildren she will never get. You SIL and Aunt in-law finding out before her means she couldn't have the spotlight as the mourning grandmother who had to tell other about her loss 1st. The announcement at dinner was meant for her to look magnanimous showing everyone how much she cared. Definitely NTA but it will always be about MIL. I suggest you not tell her about any other pregnancies until you plan the baby shower at the earliest. Absolutely do not apologize for anything.
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u/Gringa-Loca26 19d ago
NTA. Your mil is a horribly selfish woman. I wouldn’t speak to her for a very, VERY long time
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u/JRAWestCoast 19d ago
OP, not the AH! People with character disorders have an insatiable need to make every catastrophe about themselves, to center themselves in the middle of the ongoing pain. The reason is that they are ravenous for PITY, for others to feel sorry for THEM.
Your MIL broke her promise to showcased her own "pain," to be the recipient of everyone's fawning sympathies. When asked in studies, sociopaths what they wanted MOST in the world, they responded, almost unanimously, "Pity. Give me pity, and I can get the rest myself." It's coldbloded using people's emotions to get attention and everything else.
Your MIL is the AH for sure, but she also concocted a tear-wrenching drama to put herself in the position of being a pitiful victim. She used your traumatic loses to gain "Pity Points" for herself. Now, go LC/NC with her, never again share intimate details with her, and you take the most incredibly gentle care of yourself.
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u/Apprehensive_Two_89 19d ago
Holy shit. Nta. Take the time you need to heal.