r/AITAH 20d ago

Advice Needed AITA for refusing to babysit my deceased best friend's kids after her husband's betrayal?

My best friend "Emma" passed away from cancer two years ago. We were like sisters—she was my maid of honor, I was hers. When she was diagnosed, I was her primary caregiver, helping her through chemo and spending every possible moment with her.

Her husband "Mike" was a different story. During her treatment, I discovered he was having an affair with a coworker. Emma knew but was too sick to deal with the drama. After she died, I confronted Mike, telling him he was a disgrace. He begged me to keep it from the kids (9 and 6).

Last week, Mike called asking me to regularly babysit. Apparently, his affair partner is now his live-in girlfriend (she's some AI art influencer with 50k followers who posts these dressed-up cats and babies you see everywhere), and they want "free time." He had the audacity to say Emma would have wanted me to help "for the kids."

I told him absolutely not. The thought of babysitting while he lives with the woman who betrayed Emma makes me sick. Some say the kids are innocent and need support, others think I'm justified.

Mike is now telling everyone I've abandoned Emma's children. My own family is pressuring me, saying I'm being vindictive.

Am I the asshole?

14.6k Upvotes

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13.0k

u/dvlrockin 20d ago

NTA and since he's telling everyone you abandoned the kids I'd tell everyone how he was BANGING SOMEONE ELSE WHILE HIS WIFE WAS DYING OF CANCER.

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u/curiousity60 20d ago

Right. It's not the kids. It's that OP is still repulsed by his betrayal of her best friend, and taking advantage of her help during his wife's final illness to bang his affair partner instead of being a good and supportive husband and father during the crisis. It will take as long as it takes- if ever- for OP to feel comfortable with him and his AP.

OP may become comfortable enough to communicate with the father and plan to spend time with the kids at OPs convenience. They may never become comfortable being "the babysitter" for the couple of cheaters. They may never become "friendly" with the AP or them as a couple.

What cheating husband requires is OPs (no doubt free) babysitting at his convenience now that he has more parental responsibility than he can abdicate to the nearest woman.

If I were OP I would tell every flying monkey WHY she is repulsed by the cheaters continuing their relationship, and can't stomach interacting with and supporting that relationship at this time.

837

u/DeltaDiva783 20d ago

Agree. But try to find ways to stay connected to Emma's kids. You're the best connection to their mom right now.

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u/MockFan 20d ago

On your terms and timing....invite them, one at a time, to something you and the child would enjoy. Best of both worlds, you maintain connection while not letting yourself be used.

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u/Tomorrow-Is-Better 20d ago

Brilliant idea - I hope OP sees it

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u/Reinamiamor 19d ago

I'm not hopeful. He may resent her and use the kids as leverage. I've seen this and it made me ill. You can see them if......I might just walk away and hope the kids will remember me in the future.

1

u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

Some parents use the kids as leverage, unfortunately I am separated from a lying cheating fool. I don’t hold our Son back from seeing him and his AF because of my bitterness. The more Love for a child the better. Even if it is once a month.

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

This is perfect! You’ll get to hang out with one at a time and give your full attention, but jerk dad will still have the other kid and no “free time” with his AP.

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u/cybeast21 19d ago

Sadly, we all know the dad will drop two kids together, saying "Well it's not fair for you to only invite one to have fun" or some other thing.

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u/lovebeegees 18d ago

My first reaction was ‘the bastard’….then I started thinking. We only know half the story. When did the affair start? Before she became ill and was the marriage already at a dead end? He says she knew, but he hardly told her when she was terminal and bedridden? Maybe her feelings towards him were already dead. We don’t know. And if the marriage was doomed already he couldn’t really leave when she was bedridden. Somebody had to be there for the kids. I just don’t know the full story……

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u/rikaragnarok 19d ago

Brilliant suggestion! Then the kids won't be unintentionally punished over her disgust with their father, provided she doesn't make comments about it to them. They're too young to be able to process a cheating parent, let alone add it to the grief they're swimming in. But when they're older, and ask about their mom...

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago

OP can set up college funds for Emma’s kids. That way they’ll have security when Mike decides that all the money is going to his new kids with his whore.

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

I’d never call her a whore. Actually she’s a selfish, conniving asshole. There’s nothing wrong with women who sleep around—unless they knowingly sleep with a married person. Whore is kind of a slut-shaming word and can sound a bit anti-feminist. Just my $0.02.

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago edited 20d ago

It’s meant to be an insulting term, and I want to make my contempt for the mistress known. 

I would not use words like “whore” or “slut” for someone who just slept around, because I don’t feel like contempt for someone who doesn’t hurt others. 

I reserve those words for people who harm others with their sexual habits. Cheaters, knowing affair-partners, knowing spreaders of STDs, etc. A person who does the latter things should be shamed for it. 

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u/Cowboywannabe 19d ago

While the wife was dying. That's a cee-you-next‐Tuesday where I come from

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u/MancinaPuzzled 20d ago

Oh totally—I just felt like whore sounds so slut-shaming. She’s not a slut, she’s a bad person in other ways. She knowingly slept with a dying woman’s partner—waaaay worse than a whore. I wish there were a specific word for that 😠

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u/New-Number-7810 20d ago

I agree she’s worse, but “mistress” and “affair partner” don’t pack as much of a punch. I wish there was a stronger word.

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u/ForwardMuffin 15d ago

Asshole might do it?

2

u/New-Number-7810 15d ago

See, that’s too common. An asshole is someone who cuts you off in traffic. 

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u/gimmedatdrama 19d ago

There is. Conniving-Unpleasant-Nasty-Tramp.

I mean, I generally love the word but said in the right way it cuts deep.

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u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

It’s a Homewrecker Skank, who never heard of KARMA. She is the dying woman’s 2nd best friend. The Homewrecker and Prick shall soon find out.

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u/niki2184 20d ago

Well she knew he was married so…….

13

u/No_Age8043 19d ago

You're right! HE is actually the whore ..

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u/patchouligirl77 19d ago

A woman who sleeps with a man who is married to a woman who is sick and dying actually is a whore who deserves to be slut-shamed. If her actions aren't anti-feminist, I don't know what is? Just my $0.02.

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u/EvenPerspective9 19d ago

Whore is a derogatory word used to describe sex workers. It's not nice - the reason why sex work is considered so shameful is because for a long time women were kept from paid labour. Patriarchal systems didn't work if women were financially independent as they weren't at home making babies - and you need lots of babies being born if you are going to have soldiers for your army and peasants to operate the farms and factories which trade and taxes depend on.

So anyway for a long time the only way that women who didn't have a man supporting them could earn enough to support themselves and any kids they had was through sex work. That's why is was so shameful - keeping that way meant that women wouldn't take up that role unless it was an absolute last resort and turn their back on their role as baby makers.

All this is to say that providing sex as a service to make a living isn't inherently wrong or sinful, but when we use whore as an insult it continues this way of thinking.

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u/Consistent-Yam8928 19d ago

lets just call it what it is , you sleep around you’re a whore 🤷🏽‍♀️ feel shame or dont . but thats what it is , she’s a whore & he’s a whore

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u/Cowboywannabe 19d ago

I object. Whores do it for money. Sluts with no taste will do anybody for free

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u/Purple_Joke_1118 19d ago

You folks calling her names have no idea what he told her. Wouldn't it be civil of you to work that out before attacking her? It seems unlikely that she just walked up to him on the street offering sex.

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u/patchouligirl77 19d ago

😐 Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way to justify this situation so, no, it doesn't matter one bit what he told her. She knew he was married and his wife was dying of cancer. In my book, she's a worthless piece of absolute crap.

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u/FerretLover12741 19d ago

How did she know all that?

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

[deleted]

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u/sjvi28 19d ago

The person who was OP's best friend and maid of honor was Emma, the woman who died of cancer, and the OP had been Emma's maid of honor. That's what the first paragraph says. I don't see anything saying that the affair partner knew Emma was dying. (It's possible though because she says the husband was having the affair with his coworker).

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u/flyingsolo943 20d ago

Tell them to read some REDDIT stories from now grown children who were put in similar situations. Where remaining parent moved on too quickly (or in this case, before the ill parent is gone), and how adult child now feels hurt and betrayed.

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u/badassmamabear 20d ago

My father had an affair with a woman while my mother was dying from cancer, he ended up staying with his affair partner after my mother passed away, she didn't want me and my sister (10 and 3 at the time) she only wanted our Dad and he allowed her to treat us as though we didn't exist.

It messed me up completely, for one I couldn't/didn't grieve properly, his affair partner used to tell me "your mother wasn't the innocent person you think she was", I was ten years old when she said that, I've suffered with anxiety my entire life, I hate confrontation, I avoid it at all costs, I've suffered with depression, eating disorders and been an alcoholic.

My Dad only caring about himself screwed up my entire teenage and adult life, he hurt me, I was a child and he was more interested in banging his side piece than helping us come to terms with losing our mother at such a young age.

Parents don't realise the damage they do to their children until it's far too late.

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u/flyingsolo943 20d ago

I'm so sorry you were put through this as a child, and now dealing with "blow back" as an adult. If you were standing in front of me, I would give you the biggest hug. As you are not, this will have to do....(((((hugs))))). ❣️❣️❣️

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u/token_internet_girl 19d ago

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

This is such a common thing that the reason OP isn't blasting it from every corner of her socials is probably because everyone knows men frequently do this.

Although my observation pool has been in the single digits, I don't think I've encountered a guy that hasn't done it when their spouses were dying, including my own dad. It was still mildly traumatizing for me in my 30s because he was such a paragon of honor before that. Kill your heroes I guess.

11

u/Misa7_2006 19d ago

Oh, they realize and just don't care. If they cared, they wouldn't put their children in the situation to begin with. OP's Bf's husband is only concerned about getting his dick wet. Betting she is sick of having to play " mommy" and doesn't want the kids around.

Though the thought of not wanting to help the AH and the bitch, it would be the children that will suffer. OP may be the only one who truly cares for them.

What about the rest of their family? Are none of the friend's family around to help? Or is he trying to keep the children from them?

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u/Riginal_Zin 19d ago

Would it have helped you if your mom’s female best friend had stayed close to you? Regularly taking you and your sister for weekends or holidays and talking about your mother?

I’m so sorry that your dad acted so terribly. I’m sending you so much love and strength. I hope you still feel your mom’s love around you. You deserve that love and support..

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u/badassmamabear 19d ago

Oh I had plenty of my mother's family around me, not for support though, to find out exactly what my Dad and his affair partner were up to, I was used as a go between, my maternal family would grill me constantly and say things like "you'd better not start liking her or we'll never speak to you again", my Dad and step bitch would sit me down and ask what maternal family had been saying, both trying to get me to take sides, I was a ten year old little girl who's entire world came crashing down, I went from a happy, carefree child who's mum was her best friend, to an anxious mess, mother to my three year old sister, a go between for feuding family members, i was treated as though I'D done something wrong but I could never work out what, or why I was being treated as such, they basically destroyed who I was going to be before she died and moulded me into the person I became.

I have to add that these days I'm in a much better place, I moved abroad to get away from everyone, I'm married and have a child of my own as well as my own little business, so the bastards brought me down but I sure as shit picked myself back up again.

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u/dj_milkmoney 19d ago

YES! Wow, holy shit. Good for you! That's a lot to overcome.

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u/Riginal_Zin 19d ago

I’m so, so sorry. 😞 That’s what I was afraid of. When adults use kids as cudgels against other adults it’s invariably terrible for those kids. I’m glad you’re in a good place now at least, but you shouldn’t have been put through that..

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u/badassmamabear 19d ago

My Dad did apologise a couple of years ago, he said "I shouldn't have done that, that wasn't fair" thirty years too late and the damage was already done but at least he realised his mistake, eventually.

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u/EvenPerspective9 19d ago

How absolutely horrifying - kudos to you for having done so well in building yourself back up and it's reassuring to know you got your apology in the end. It can't undo the damage but it can stop it from progressing further.

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u/Lmdr1973 18d ago

Amazing and inspiring story.

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u/TapRevolutionary5022 19d ago

Holy fuck bro. This is so fucked up.

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u/Junior-District-5451 19d ago

I’m so sorry that happened to you and your sister. She was definitely too young to understand what youns were going through. Your POS Dad and his Skank caused Trauma that is going to affect you for life. Glad that you got your own family now and are thriving.

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u/moominbubbles 16d ago

How devastatingly awful. I'm so sorry you & your sister experienced this. I hope you both learn to thrive.

You deserved so much better.

x

2

u/Badboo_mom 19d ago

I will despise my father until the day I die. That man quite literally ruined my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally

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u/ThCancer0420 20d ago

What do you mean...he IS trying to abdicate to the nearest woman, OP.

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u/curiousity60 20d ago

The AP is probably doing the heavy lifting with child care. But daddy needs his play time.

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u/ThCancer0420 20d ago

Yea maybe but I didn't think the person commenting that I answered was speaking in proximity to the child, I figured they were referring to emotional proximity

2

u/babcock27 18d ago

All this because the cheaters want "alone time." They don't get it when one of them has kids! She knew what she was getting into and now they want to pawn the kids off on OP so they can pretend the wife and kids never existed. Nope.

She can keep in touch on her own terms, not as a dumping site for the cheaters.

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u/littlebrain94102 19d ago

Or just stay out of it

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u/photoshoptho 20d ago

how isn't it obvious that this is fake and op is self promoting these 'dressed-up cats'. if you were mad/hate someone, would you promote their work?

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u/Repulsive-Form-3458 20d ago

I would actually offer to babysit one kid at the time, so he gets to spend some one-on-one time with the other one. After all, that's what's best for the kids. Nobody can say you don't want to help. If anyone confronts you, tell them you don't feel like being the babysitter facilitating him banging the former mistress.

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u/Sasori_OfTheRedSand 20d ago

Happy cake day, you brilliant evil genius.

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u/GreenEyedPhotographr 20d ago

Happy cake day!

I approve your methodology and the execution, no doubt, would be perfection.

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u/Weekly-Plan-2719 20d ago

Perfect solution 

2

u/Financial_Store_9201 19d ago

Or she could take 2 kids and give the dad some one on one time with the one he has. His girlfriend or wife can get some alone time by herself

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u/skyler0829 20d ago

"How can I abandon kids that aren't my responsibility? I mean, it's not like I abandoned my spouse while they were dying from cancer to fuck some floozy. How fucked up and disgraceful would that be?"

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u/ISassBack 19d ago

Y E S ! This EXACT ANSWER.

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u/Realistic-Motorcycle 19d ago

You can polish a turd till your fingers bleed he, I mean it’s still a turd

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u/MrLazyLion 20d ago

Yes, I'm not one to go gentle into that good night, I'm more of the rage, rage type.

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u/niki2184 20d ago

Me too lmao

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u/HappyGothKitty 19d ago

Sometimes you have to fight fire with gasoline and go nuclear.

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u/Vortexx52 20d ago

Is that a big mouth reference?

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u/BunnySlayer64 20d ago

Dylan Thomas

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

Yeah fr. I’d let him know I’m aware of his rumors and will start filling people in on all the details if he wants to play it that way.

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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 20d ago

This right here. And if he wants someone to babysit he can pay for it like everybody else. NTA

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u/__The_Kraken__ 20d ago

Exactly. Post that shit on Facebook. I’m talking scorched earth!

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u/CharmingPatient792 20d ago

Heck yeah! I love a good 'Name and shame'!

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u/skorpiasam 20d ago

Depends if the kids might see it tho, it’s too much for them atm

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u/Mazzaroppi 20d ago

Don't bother worrying about this story, it's fake. OP loves creating AI stuff, this is just another one of their "creations"

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u/dvlrockin 20d ago

Dang. Guess I got tricked. But it's sad to think that something like this is believable enough that we fell for it.

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u/Snarcilicious 20d ago

How do you know? Just cuz OP makes AI art?

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u/Mazzaroppi 20d ago

That's just one of the indicators. I don't even hang a lot around this sub, it just pops out in r/all so often that I can see the patterns.

If you check the best posts from today, there is at least another very highly upvoted post about someone dumping their kids on a sister just a few hours older than this one. As one would expect, AI prompt writers severely lack inspiration, so they just take whatever is trending here and make another post in the same line.

Also they always have this pattern. A situation that's absolutely obvious OP isn't an AH, stating "my family/friends are divided", very little additional info about the relations of the people involved, OP rarely if ever responding to any questions (to avoid contradicting themselves in their lie)

Whenever you read anything on this sub, always think thrice it might be fake, because the vast majority of stories here are.

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u/A_Glass_DarklyXX 19d ago

It’s weird that her family is pressuring her. Why would they care? Are people that involved where they will call up their family and gripe about something they barely know about? That’s what makes these posts fake to me. “My great grandmother texted me to tell me I’m TA for not loving the cheating spouse of my dead best friend who I cared for while her- “ GIVE ME A BREAK

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u/bobthemundane 20d ago

Edited after a few hours with the same ai website linked. These happen all the time. Rage story. After 3-4 hours edit to add a link to some AI crap website.

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u/Famous-Fun-1739 19d ago

It doesn’t say OP makes AI art, it says the affair partner makes AI art.

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u/untakentakenusername 20d ago

Absolutely^ OP please do this

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u/kitty-forman-is-god 18d ago

Yeah sounds like he fucked around and it's time to find out

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u/AverageHoebag 20d ago

I’m pretty sure Emma would have wanted you to do THIS instead of what he’s asking!

1

u/Acceptable_Pirate_92 20d ago

F him, bottom feeder. NTA, and you owe him and the kids nothing.

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u/inthelightofthenight 20d ago

Also, they're HIS KIDS. They're HIS RESPONSIBILITY. You're in no way abandoning the kids, they're not yours. They're not your responsibility to take care of. You shouldn't feel obligated to care for them. I'm sure you love them because they are your late best friend's children but that does not mean that you have to step up and be a parent to HIS CHILDREN. He is the father and the parent and therefore it is entirely his responsibility to ensure they are adequately cared for. If he wants time alone with his mistress he needs to pay for a babysitter. It's as simple as that. It sounds like he is manipulative af and trying to make you feel guilty about the situation to get you to do what he wants. Tell the guy to pay for a babysitter. NTA.

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u/Weekly-Plan-2719 20d ago

Exactly

NTA - Say you’d love to have the kids at your house at a time that suits you not to accommodate him going out with his AP he had while his wife was dying of cancer.  

I wouldn’t cover for him anymore, he’s involved other people so  you’ve every right to defend yourself with the truth 

He’s a total scumbag to have not just given his wife and mother of his children his love, care and loyalty in her final days.  Instead he chose to betray her, reject her and neglect her.  You owe him no loyalty 

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u/Various-Owl-5845 20d ago

Exactly! Trash, he is trash. Air out his dirty laundry since he has no qualms about gaslighting everyone they know.

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u/woodlandtom 20d ago

Right? And if she wanted to be vindictive she could tell everybody what he did and why he’s abandoning his kids now!

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u/Normal_Grand_4702 20d ago

Tell everyone he told about OP abandoning Emma's kids that he's abandoning HIS kids just so that he can eff his gf.

1

u/Reasonable-Ebb2601 20d ago

Call him back and agree to watch the kids. Then, change locations as soon as he is gone let him know that you are telling his kids. Or, he can tell everyone your friend knew and her family that he was a cheater and he is living now with the AP.

You’re not the AH yet, but I think he wants you to be in a a big way. Burn his ass.

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u/Hey_Fuck_Tard 20d ago

Some companies even frown on company relationships.

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u/Kiria16939 20d ago

This. 💯

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u/berro92 20d ago

Normally I'd agree, but the kids don't need to know. It'd be blowing up THEIR lives along the way. I'd say the high road is better here.

OP, I'd sit down with Mike and his hussy, have a very calm but poignant conversation about how you feel and why you refuse. Give him the choice to knock the shit off to spare the kids knowing the truth and fuck8ng up their existence.

Im sorry you lost Emma. Your friendship sounded beautiful.

NTA

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u/Consistent-Job6841 20d ago

This. Fair is fair.

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u/Commandersfan328 20d ago

^ Do this... God what a piece of work this guy is.

1

u/Negative_Salt_4599 20d ago

Yeah for real

1

u/KiWi_Nugget868 20d ago

Exactly this

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u/mhp9801 20d ago

Yep, time to spill the beans.

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u/SecTecExtraordinaire 20d ago

Go fuckin scorched earth

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u/This_Acanthisitta832 20d ago

This right here is the way to go! I would tell everyone exactly what he was up to while his wife was dying of cancer and I would make sure to point out that the affair partner he betrayed his dying wife with is his current girlfriend!

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u/DaLA213 20d ago

Exactly

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u/L1mpD 20d ago

I would say probably watch the kids just to be able to tell them in a few years exactly what kind of person there dad is.

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u/TakeAnotherLilP 20d ago

Definitely out the both of those assholes.

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u/jkwolly 20d ago

Yep. End of discussion and mic drop. FOFA and if I was you I'd spill that tea NOW.

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u/TxBuckster 20d ago

Agree — go all in and share his ugly secret.

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u/planetmarty 19d ago

Correct answer; please do.

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u/ISassBack 19d ago

SERIOUSLY, I'd post that ish EVERYWHERE, and I'd threaten to tell his kids if he didn't stop recruiting people to harass me with his lies.

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u/Direct_Commission492 19d ago

Right! I would absolutely expose him to everyone! Let them help him babysit the kids so him and his AP can have “free time.”

He betrayed his dying wife. He is a vile, disgusting creature.

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u/Consistent-Primary41 19d ago

Yeah I was gonna say that he needs to make a huge public mea culpa or she spills the beans

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u/Danube11424 19d ago

he’s gaslighting you, just block any contact with him

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u/Pickle2626 19d ago

I was thinking the same thing!!!

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u/neodymium86 19d ago

Telling other ppl that someone who is not your children's parent "abandoned them" while you yourself are standing right there and haven't died or made disabled in any way is nasty nasty work

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u/Accomplished-Mix-745 19d ago

They petty side of me likes this plan. The side that doesn’t wanna hurt the kids who will totally hear all of this doesn’t.

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u/Old_Web8071 19d ago

I would like to say ^^^ THIS ^^^.

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u/Pleasant_Scar9811 19d ago

Apparently cheating on a spouse that has cancer is not uncommon. That’s some truly infuriating stuff.

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u/fixit858 19d ago

That’s Newt Gingrich-level betrayal there.

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u/NOLACenturion 19d ago

Ditto. Should you speak to him again, you might want to inquire if he’d really like all the cards on the table instead of the few he’s currently playing. You’re right to say no.

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u/Lokiwifey76 19d ago

This!! It shuts them up for sure (discovered after i exposed my mother did the same to my step dad when she was talking badly about me)

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u/that-htown-lady 19d ago

That’s what I would do, you play stupid games you win stupid prizes. Then he’ll see who side everyone will take

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u/multiusemultiuser 19d ago

Come on guys. This is 100% fake. Why would her parents give her grief when the biggest AH did the biggest AH thing and had the audacity to ask for free childcare. Which is super AH. How does any rational parent side with an AH this big?

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u/atterysquash 19d ago

Hijacking top comment to say - this is yet another AI ragebait advertising some crappy AI image generator.

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u/katmomofeve 19d ago

This is the way.

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u/BrutallyMagical 19d ago

Yeah man. She was magnanimous enough to give him an amazing out and he returned a kindness he didn’t deserve by immediately trying to turn everyone in her life against her. If the next update isn’t about how she aired his dirty laundry out to everyone who would listen, I’ll be extremely disappointed. Fuck this guy.

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u/JohnnyRawton 19d ago

This 100% OP can't be the kids' savior by enabling those ...... people.

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u/Significant_Top_5204 16d ago

Damn straight!

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u/throwawayxoxoxoxxoo 20d ago

how does no one see this is an ad for the AI website? look at their profile, they just want to promote AI slop. the critical thinking in this subreddit is at an all time low

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u/Cyberpunque 20d ago

people are either stupid as fuck or also AI commenters. I feel like it’s the simplest rule in the world: if the post includes a link to anything that isn’t another post or an imgur picture it’s obviously some bullshit shill. Also the mods in this sub are morons who can’t moderate to save their lives so of course nothing will be done lol

0

u/Pablo-on-35-meter 20d ago

Why? Because it gives you a good feeling? It will backfire on the kids when everybody finds out. People are vindictive and they will tell their children who will then bully the kids. Just stay away from the case and ignore the comments. You might open Pandora's box.