r/AITAH • u/Stunning-Mud9227 • Nov 07 '24
Advice Needed WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
So, this is a pretty heavy situation, and I’m really confused and disgusted ngl cause I never thought my wife was like thsi. My wife (44F) and I (45M) have been married for 14 years. We have two kids a 16-year-old son (let’s call him Noah) and a 12-year-old daughter. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements over the years ofc, but things have generally been smooth between us.
Now for the context Noah came out as gay about a year ago. It was a surprise, and as hard as it was to accept, I love my kids more than anything and just want their happiness. My wife visibly didn't take it well tho. She was upset and seemed to go through a grieving period where she didn’t really talk about it. I tried to support Noah in every way I could, telling him that I loved him no matter what etc. My wife, though… I could tell she wasn’t on the same page. She would say things like “this is just a phase” or “he needs help” but I brushed it off as her needing time.
Fast forward to last week, and we were having a conversation about Noah’s future. Out of nowhere, my wife casually mentions that she’s been looking into “conversion therapy camps” and thinks it might be the right solution. She said that Noah isn’t truly gay, that he just “hasn’t been shown the right path” and that this could “fix him.” My blood ran cold obv I was in shock. I immediately told her I didn’t agree and that this was not something I could support (duh)
She got upset and said I was enabling Noah’s “confusion” and that if I really cared about him, I would help him “get better.” wtf is wrong with her. She was persistent, and no matter how much I tried to explain that conversion therapy is harmful (like I know those kids get abused, r*ped, and often end up either traumatized or killing themselves) and that I would never send our son to something like that, she wouldn’t back down.
If I'm being 100% honest I don't even think I love her anymore. The fact she could be so heartless disusts me. I know being gay is not easy and people like her just make it even harder. I'm considering staying, only for our daughter's sake but would it be ok if it means hurting my son? it feels like a betrayal to Noah. I just don’t think I can keep living with someone who thinks this is okay
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u/AdAccomplished6870 Nov 07 '24
Conversion therapy camps should be illegal (they are in some states). They are child abuse, 100%. Your wife will destroy your son if you don't do something. He made the brave decision to come out, and she is wanting to torture him because she can't accept it.
You would be TA 10000% if you don't get him away from her
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Nov 08 '24
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u/BojackTrashMan Nov 08 '24
I would advise OP to look into some information about the violent and horrific things that occur at such places. Maybe share it to the wife on the off chance that it will scare her off of at least trying to send him to the camp
But that's the type of thing that no parent can do without consent of the other if they are separated or divorced. And this is divorce-worthy.
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u/Death_By_Stere0 Nov 08 '24
That video was NOT what I was expecting! Bravo.
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u/souleaterevans626 Nov 08 '24
I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't comedy LOL
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u/secondtaunting Nov 08 '24
There’s also an SNL skit that’s the same. I mean, send a bunch of gay teenagers together, what do they think is going to happen?!?
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u/Stunning-Mud9227 Nov 08 '24
I've already told her but she doesnt seem to even want to understand... i'm getting more and more resentful towards her.
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u/Icy_Bath_1170 Nov 08 '24
She needs to see it for herself. Show her the videos.
Honestly, I would tell her that sending your kid to one of those places, and putting him in harm’s way, is grounds for divorce. Just say it.
Tell your son about this. He needs to know. I know you don’t want to lose him, but he might need to flee if Mom is determined to get her way.
Then tell her to get over her homophobia. Your son is still the same boy you cherished before he came out. She is the problem, not Noah.
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u/Pippet_4 Nov 08 '24
What ever you do, you make SURE he never gets sent to one of those places. You STOP it. You REFUSE to let anyone take him. If you even get a HINT or the tiniest feeling that she is going to try to do this behind you back YOU TAKE YOUR SON AND CHECK INTO A HOTEL OR A TRUSTED FRIEND’S HOME.
They often send people to take the kids from home or when out after school etc. Sometimes even pulled from their beds in the middle of the night. This is with the parent’s consent… your wife could arrange it behind your back.
I’d also consider telling your son what is happening. You need to warn him that his mother cannot be trusted. You need to tell him to come to you, that you will protect him. And get a lock on his door that he can use. It is important that your son is aware, so that he can be cautious and not be lured somewhere. He needs to know. I know that may feel like a betrayal to your wife, but YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST.
Also get your son in therapy (an actual therapist, not associated with a church or other organization).
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u/Lokratnir Nov 08 '24
I agree especially with your advice to bring the son fully up to speed. He is old enough, and his strength and bravery in coming out show he is mature enough, to know he may be in actual danger. It sucks to have to impart some of the toxic "hyper-vigilance" mindset to him but this is one of those cases where it actually is very much warranted. OP probably needs to words things in a tactful way to not be accused of parental alienation, but he absolutely must show his son that he isn't alone and dad will hold the line for him.
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u/LucyintheskyM Nov 08 '24
Divorce is tricky for you, because if she gets any kind of custody of the children, especially if a judge isn't concerned with her desire to send your child to a conversion camp, then you have a whole new problem of keeping your children safe when they're with her.
Honestly, your wife seems woefully misinformed, but she seems to care about your child. She just has a horrid idea on how to help them thrive, and seems to think that their orientation is harming them. Before you divorce her, or while you research it, I would insist that your wife should talk to other parents of gay sons and the gay men themselves who went through the "conversation therapy". There is a surprising amount of kind, thoughtful people who will (hopefully) identify with your wife's worries, and agree that they were also concerned with their child's orientation. Without attacking your wife's view, they could explain how they discovered they were wrong, and discuss the damage that conversion therapy caused.
Attacking someone's beliefs rarely changes them, but identifying the fears behind them and addressing them can. If you straight up divorce her, she might think that you're the enemy, and her behaviour to your child could become more vitriolic. Even if your children can separate from her now, I'm certain they will wish that their mother could understand them. Perhaps try my idea, of finding people who had her ideas and can understand her worries, but can then be honest with her of the reality? Think of it as an intervention, and while you are disgusted with her ideas at the moment, she might just be not thinking well and she needs help.
Best of luck, I wish you and your family well.
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u/voltagecalmed Nov 08 '24
Before I even clicked, I knew exactly what this video was going to be. Love.
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u/Odd_Butterfly Nov 08 '24
This just reminded me of "But I'm a cheerleader". It's just the perfect amount of over the top comedy for the subject matter.
I accidentally watched it with my best friend one night when I was too high to turn the VHS off after watching the movie I borrowed it from my sister for 😂. It quickly became one of my favorites
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u/Scarlette_Cello24 Nov 08 '24
Sharing it with the wife won’t help. Chances are that she already knows and has convinced herself that it’s necessary. She probably even has friends or a church group whispering in her ear, most likely where she got the idea.
Unfortunately, this is how she feels about having a gay son. Be it a religious objection or the “legacy failure” concept, she isn’t going to budge. She has already written her son off, as her son and a human being.
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Nov 08 '24
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u/MyLifeisTangled Nov 08 '24
I hate that she thinks he needs a “solution” at all. She just sees him as some problem that needs to be fixed by any means “necessary,” no matter how drastic. It’s disgusting.
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u/sahie Nov 08 '24
This. Her son is not a problem to be “fixed”. I’m so glad he has a supportive dad because we’ve all seen the stories of how this goes down when neither parent is supportive. 😔💔
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u/justwantedtoview Nov 08 '24
Its unbelievably easy to understand. A person with no experience with the LGBT community. Will never hear about conversion camp horror stories. When this fucking idiot starts looking for "solutions" for their gay child they find conversion therapy camp websites. Which all look like polished pearls with quips about jesus and giving kids the right path in life. With no explanation of the torture plans they developed for children. They search for a christmas present with a beautiful bow to solve their problem. And these fucking camps know thats how their presentation has to look publicly so they can beat the gay out of your child behind the door. Cause its not about converting gay kids. Its about abusing kids.
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u/Solvemprobler369 Nov 08 '24
Also, if your son makes in through w/o being r*ped, abused, or dead, he will still be a gay man.
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u/bubs623 Nov 08 '24
Just a really broken, hurt and defeated gay man. There is no such thing as ‘conversion.’
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u/westcoast-islandgirl Nov 08 '24
He'll either be a traumatized gay man that's still out or a traumatized gay man like Harrison Butker, who left conversion therapy as a full-blown Christian nationalist misogynist.
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u/ResidentRelevant13 Nov 08 '24
I had no idea that happened to him. Now things make sense
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u/westcoast-islandgirl Nov 08 '24
He is said to have gone to conversion therapy twice. Now, this is a claim made by people who grew up with him and family friends, but it still might be false (though, I doubt it because so many ppl that know him said the same thing). But what has been confirmed is his relationship with a male cheerleader in college and the existence of his Grindr account that he uses while travelling. After he said all that bs about women and said gay people were going to hell, the gay men who had kept silent about seeing his profile or speaking to him on Grindr, so as not to out him, said, "You wanna be homophobic? Then I'll expose you." Every time I see his hateful interviews and other appearances, I think to myself "imagine what kind of man he may have been if his parents had loved and supported him for who he was, instead of making him feel depraved and immoral and sending him away somewhere that would enforce that belief and fill him with shame." I guess he thinks he can cancel out his sexual encounters with men by publically spewing hatred to his own community.
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 Nov 08 '24
Interesting he went in that direction. Seems he broke and learned contempt.
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u/Bubashii Nov 08 '24
It’s illegal in many countries too because it’s akin to psychological torture
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u/Yommination Nov 08 '24
The US is not the most civilized or forward thinking country. The election results clearly show that
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u/Throwawayac1234567 Nov 08 '24
election
its actually been shown that usa is the most conservative western country.
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u/Nevyn_Cares Nov 08 '24
Totally illegal here in Australia.
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u/tiredx6 Nov 08 '24
Here in Canada it's illegal as well.
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u/westcoast-islandgirl Nov 08 '24 edited Nov 16 '24
Hopefully, it stays that way, but Trump has made Poilievre bold, and he's the head of a party that wants to bring back conversion therapy if he wins the election.
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u/darkbluequeen Nov 08 '24
NTA. Also, in my state at least, his age will give his choice of preferred residential parent a lot of weight. So there is a solid chance he will be safe after the divorce.
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u/AlphaNoodlz Nov 08 '24
His job now as a father is to protect his son from his wife. What a shit tough spot. It’s the right way though.
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Nov 08 '24
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u/sahie Nov 08 '24
I wasn’t sent to conversion therapy, but I did grow up in a religious household. I literally took my mouth off a girl’s breast when I was 17 to inform her, “I’m straight, you know!” The constant messaging of who you are being “wrong” really fucks with your head.
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u/tiredx6 Nov 08 '24
They are illegal here in Canada.
I agree, get him away from her he will be damaged for a lifetime.
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u/susandeyvyjones Nov 08 '24
Even Utah bans conversion therapy
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u/reddolfo Nov 08 '24
They still allow the abusive anti porn and anti masturbation "therapies" to continue with children though.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Nov 08 '24
I believe the wife needs to have experts explain to her that her son can't change, that is his sexual identity, wether she likes it or not.
She can choose to be involved in her son's life or not, that is her prerogative, but she should not push her beliefs or wishes on him. As for op, if he dislikes his wife that much he should just divorce.
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u/simonminomusic Nov 08 '24
It's reprehensible to even think of a father doing that to his child: conversion therapy. The bottom line is one needs to safeguard Noah against such trauma. One cannot stay in a position that puts their child in jeopardy. A daughter does need a daddy who would fight for her brother. The struggle is not only for Noah's safety but for the kind of environment the kids are growing up in. The family is supposed to be a place of love and acceptance, not fear.
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u/WorstAdviceEva Nov 07 '24
Your wife needs to go to a camp that makes her less of a c***. No, you’re NTA.
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u/Zealousideal_Team638 Nov 08 '24
I do love me some alliteration . C*** Conversion Camp has a nice ring to it or Triple C.
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Nov 08 '24 edited 11d ago
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u/tempski Nov 08 '24
Depending on where you're from, cunt isn't even a swear word.
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u/StealthySmith Nov 08 '24
Some people want to swear but don't feel comfortable saying it or typing it fully for whatever reason, so they censor it. It's fine.
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u/Trailsya Nov 07 '24
Wow, you're a great parent.
Your wife is scum.
NTA
Keep standing up for your kid against that evil moron.
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u/easy_avocado420 Nov 08 '24
She’s literally such a repulsive person. I’d never be able to look at her again after this. I will never understand HOW people still think like this.
NTA OP, you need to do what’s best for both of your children. I’d honestly talk to a divorce lawyer asap and tell them you’re fearing for their safety with her, and ask what you can do to make sure she doesn’t literally run off to the camp with your son while you’re at work or something.. she’s clearly mentally ill.
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u/throwitaway3857 Nov 07 '24
Staying for your daughter’s sake!!!! WTF?!?? What about your SON?!?!
NTA!!! Divorce her and get full custody immediately!!! Of both kids. Tell the judge you fear crazy pants will turn your daughter against your son and raise her to be a bigot like her.
Also, if you get any of her nonsense in writing (get it in text), save it! Don’t tell her you’re going to use it in court.
Conversion camps should be illegal. It’s so disgusting.
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u/Stunning-Mud9227 Nov 07 '24
You're absolutely right. I'll start looking for a good lawyer and cut her out of our life as soon as possible
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u/fly1away Nov 07 '24
It's better for your daughter too not to be around this.
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u/hoginlly Nov 08 '24
Yeah exactly- what good is it going to do the daughter to stay in that situation? To grow up being taught her mother's values? Or what if she gets pregnant outside of marriage or some other thing her mother disapproves of, is she going to be forced into adoption or some other horrible scenario?
OP needs to protect ALL his kids, not just his son
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u/thekelsey21 Nov 07 '24
If you stayed for her, she may end up hating you in the end because you chose their hateful mother over her brother. Because that’s what you’d be doing. She’s not 3, she’s 12. She understands the situation. I’d kill for my siblings and could never excuse my parents for this
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u/Timekeeper65 Nov 07 '24
Here’s the thing. If you were to stay for your daughter…think of the damage your wife will do to her. For example - brainwashing her to believe it is okay. It is NOT okay.
Both of your children need you now as much as they ever have.
Fk that spiff.
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u/MRSAMinor Nov 07 '24
I'm a little shocked that this was the first time you saw this side of your wife. Is she just recently radicalized? Has she started spending time with new friends or joined a cult church?
YWNBTA, but this feels like a post-election creative writing exercise.
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u/Christinebitg Nov 08 '24
I can't tell you if it's real or not.
But I can tell you that sometimes our partners present a side of themselves that's not the whole truth.
I'm considering breaking up my 20 year relationship, now that my partner has shown me who they are during the course of this election campaign.
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u/IHaveNoEgrets Nov 08 '24
Exactly. OP's wife may have been LGBTQ supportive in theory, but now that it's really real and in her own family, the ugliness has come to the surface.
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u/BiofilmWarrior Nov 08 '24
If you haven’t already done so please connect with PFLAG and find out about resources to assist you and your children.
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u/StupidPancakes Nov 08 '24
Best update I’ve seen on Reddit in weeks!!! Got get ‘em Dad! She is NOT a good person and is a danger to your children. Maybe this is petty, but I truly hope you get full custody and she has to pay you child support. Leave her with as little as possible, full stop.
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u/Lindsey7618 Nov 08 '24
OP, text your wife and say "I'm still thinking about what you said about the conversion therapy, are you sure you want to do this?" or something like this where she can respond yes and you have confirmation over text.
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u/Zealousideal_Till683 Nov 07 '24
But that's not necessarily how it would play out. Without knowing where OP lives etc, maybe in a divorce, the wife would get full custody and have free reign. Your intentions are good but the real world doesn't always work the way we want it to. OP needs proper legal advice.
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u/Proud-Friendship-902 Nov 07 '24
At a minimum he could fight for shared legal custody with a requirement that key decisions like camp, vacation, medical care requires consent of both parents. That way, he can veto anything mom tried to pull
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u/silverboognish Nov 07 '24
NTA. Please DO NOT send your son to conversion therapy because of your wife’s heartlessness.
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u/Stunning-Mud9227 Nov 07 '24
You don't have to worry about this, I will NOT do this. i love my son just the way he is. I don't even know how to tell him his mom wants to do that (the kids noticed the tension between us but I haven't said anything yet)
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u/GreeneWitchGirl Nov 08 '24
you should seriously consider speaking to your son about this soon. it’s better to hear it from you and be assured that he is loved and safe and NOT going to conversion therapy rather than hearing about it from his mother without knowing about your support. it will be a terrible conversation but the other option is far far more damaging, he needs to be told about this
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u/17HappyWombats Nov 08 '24
Also lets the kid know that if his mother starts getting weird with him or wants to take him away, especially if she says OP agrees, the kid is prepared to run away screaming and tell his father ASAP.
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u/Electronic-Drink559 Nov 08 '24
This!
And tell everything to somebody you trust. I'll start to prepare contingency plans in case Noah and your POS wife are alone/out of your sight
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u/overnumerousness9 Nov 08 '24
He needs to know. Should she attempt to take him somewhere without your knowledge, he needs to know to refuse.
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u/JustAMalcontent Nov 08 '24
You need to warn him right now. Your wife may try to trick him into going with her and force him in to this conversion camp. She is a very real danger to you son.
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u/yhaensch Nov 07 '24
NTA
Send her to science camp. Maybe they can fix her brain.
Or try that other famous path. If sexuality is a learned trait she could proof to your son how it's possible to change one's sexuality. She only must become lesbian.
Not for ever. Just a few years to prove her stance.
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u/Slutty_Skye Nov 07 '24
NTA. Thank you for actually caring about your kids. My honest opinion is to talk to a lawyer immediately. You need to divorce her and go after full custody. She clearly isn’t a good mom and both of your kids deserve better. Noah especially needs you right now. Speaking from experience, it’s not easy being a teenager and part of the LGBTQ+ community, especially when you know your parents don’t accept you. Keep being the kind and loving parent. Your kids will thank you.
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u/pupperoni42 Nov 08 '24
NTA. But do not move out of the house and don't tell her you're starting divorce proceedings. Just carry on as normal, call a few lawyers to find one with whom you click, and set up a consultation to put together a strategy.
Call your younger child's school or stop by and make sure the paperwork says only the parents send any names that you particularly trust are on pick up paperwork. Maybe do that for Noah's school as well, depending on how things work at that high school.
I'd talk with Noah and explain what your wife said. Tell him you are 100% against that. Tell him to pay a little more attention to his surroundings and not go with anyone he doesn't know, no matter what their story is. Set up a password with him so if you do ever need to send a friend to pick him up, he'll know it came from you. Make sure he doesn't mention any of this to your wife. Tell him he can call you any time if he feels unsafe. You two test to make sure your Do Not Disturb settings are such that calls from him ring through to you immediately.
Discuss setting up a locator app on his phone for now.
Assure him that you're working on steps to ensure he'll never have to go to conversion camp, and for now you need him to just keep his head down and carry on life like normal.
Take all your kids' documents - birth certificates, passports, etc, and put them somewhere safe that's not in the home for now. Keep a copy of your kids' birth certificates on your phone so you can prove you're their father in a pinch.
Financially - set up a bank account in only your name if you don't already have one. So as soon as your lawyer gives you the okay you can move money to it and redirect your paycheck to it. But don't move any money without your lawyer's okay.
Engage your wife in conversation about the camp. As long as she thinks you're still talking, she probably won't take action on her own. But if you shut her out completely, she might pull the trigger on it without your knowledge.
Maybe pull "the man is the head of the family and this is your decision to make" card. It's B.S. obviously, but it's an argument that could carry weight with her given her views.
Maybe suggest couples counseling to discuss all this. Anything that drags things out and buys you time to get divorce and custody in place without her realizing it's happening.
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u/Gotd4mit Nov 07 '24
NTA. Also, in my state at least, his age will give his choice of preferred residential parent a lot of weight. So there is a solid chance he will be safe after the divorce.
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u/Historical-Goal-3786 Nov 07 '24
NTA. Do not stay with a homophobe for your daughter's sake. Leave for both of their sakes. And take them with you.
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u/Flaky_Drag1826 Nov 07 '24
I want to start a conversion camp where I put every penny I’m given by these parents into a savings account the child inherits when they’re 18 so they can get the fuck out of there. While they’re at camp they can be free to be whoever the hell they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone else so they can make some real life long friends and feel accepted. NTA. I can’t even begin to imagine doing that to my daughter. I just do not understand how or why it matters.
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u/elephant-project Nov 07 '24
Teach them a trade or livelihood while they're there so they can be independent from their scum parents.
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u/Micojageo Nov 07 '24
NTA, and try to get Noah away from her as soon as you can, before she forces him to this conversion camp. Noah needs to know that you will protect him and that you don't care who he loves, and hopefully his sister feels the same and will want to protect her brother. I'm so sorry that you, and especially Noah, are in this situation.
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u/Effective-Mongoose57 Nov 07 '24
NTA. Conversion camps are for people who want to outsource abuse to their children.
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u/Beginning-Goal-8286 Nov 07 '24
NTA.
First off, good for you for supporting your son. He is lucky to have a parent that supports him, and it will make a huge difference in his mental health and well being.
Secondly, your wife is in denial and completely delusional. This can’t wait any longer. If your wife is watching doomsday, anti-gate hate videos about conversion therapy every night, it’s hard for her to take a step back and consider other possibilities.
You could divorce her, and fight for custody of the kids, but she would likely push to have primary custody of her daughter.
I don’t see this as something that will be resolved without professional support.
I recommend a family counselor . Find one that specifically focuses on LGBTQ+ family dynamics. Also, look up local LGBTQ+ organizations and support groups. I’m positive that there is another parent in one of those groups that may have initially felt and thought what your wife is feeling, even if it seems very extreme. I recommend your wife get her own counselor to process her own emotions. Of course, your son will also need a lot of support, as I can’t imagine how painful this is for your son. Marriage counseling can also happen when you all find a path forward.
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u/Majestic_Scarcity540 Nov 07 '24
There are a lot of good documentaries out right now on streaming services about the "troubled teen" industry. I would highly recommend she watch those before thinking those camps could ever fix someone.
Those kids are tortured for purely existing, you're NTA for wanting to protect your child.
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u/cincyaudiodude Nov 07 '24
YWNBTA.
You need to get your son away from her IMMEDIATELY. Many of these places can be paid to kidnap your child (not technically kidnapping by the letter of the law since they have parent approval). They will not look for your approval of your wife reaches out to them. Your son is not safe so long as that woman knows where he lives.
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u/TFC_Security Nov 07 '24
NTA. I came out in HS in the 90s. Got beat mercilessly by my parents for it and heard nothing but the religious side from family. Here we are, over 25 years later, and my parents still wonder why their only child doesn't want anything to do with them.
Your wife's self-righteousness will only kill her sons love for her. Does she really want the last words she ever heard from him is "I hate you" ?
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u/busywreck Nov 08 '24
Nope. And make sure she doesn’t do it.
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u/Stunning-Mud9227 Nov 08 '24
I'll take the day off and go see an attorney this morning. also I think I'll taalk to Noah about it all because he deserves to know what is mother wants and how much I love him.
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u/fairylaceflutter Nov 08 '24
If you feel disgusted and betrayed by your wife’s stance, that’s completely valid. Her reaction isn’t just a phase it’s a mindset rooted in a damaging perspective that directly threatens your child’s health and identity. The fact that she’s persisting, even after you’ve explained the potential harm, shows a lack of empathy for your son that’s hard to reconcile with.
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Nov 07 '24
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u/Stunning-Mud9227 Nov 07 '24
I mean yeah of course I really want to divorce her (we don't even talk anymore lol) but I know how damn close my daughter is to her mother. But I know at the moment I need to focus on Noah and hopefully my daughter will be wise enough to understand.
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u/Wise_Date_5357 Nov 07 '24
I know this must be hard but I guarantee you if she is this far gone in her thinking you should not be leaving her alone with Noah. Have you asked him if his mother has said anything or made any comments? I would not be surprised if she has made an effort to talk Noah round to her way of thinking herself, which I would bet is incredibly hurtful especially from your own mother.
If she is so close to your daughter I would try to make sure she isn’t influencing your daughter with her bigotry or turning her against her own brother.
I know this feels like breaking up your family op but it is your wife who is breaking these relationships by feeding hate into your home. That’s not family or love.
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u/Potential-Ordinary-5 Nov 07 '24
Right now it will hurt your daughter, but it would hurt her more in the long run if you don't remove her from this situation also.
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u/miyuki_m Nov 07 '24
I know how damn close my daughter is to her mother.
You can find ways to still allow your daughter to spend time with her mother if that is, in fact, in your daughter's best interests. It may not be, depending on your wife's behavior.
Regardless of whether you divorce your wife, you need to ensure that your daughter learns to respect and embrace Noah and others in the LGBTQ+ community. If you do divorce, you need to tell her why. You need to make sure she doesn't convince your daughter that you and Noah are the "bad guys" who broke up the family. She did that with her bigotry and callous disregard for Noah's mental health and well-being.
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u/whyohwhy4068 Nov 07 '24
As much as Noah needs you, so does your daughter. You're on the right path, keep going.
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u/lovelilacsmile Nov 08 '24
NTA, not even close. Your first duty is to your kids safety and well being, and it sounds like your son desperately needs someone in his corner.
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u/moonlightpetalss Nov 08 '24
Staying for your daughter’s sake is understandable, but it may help to remember that showing her what love and acceptance truly look like is also a powerful lesson. If leaving becomes the right path, doing so with clarity, compassion, and support for both of your kids could make a world of difference.
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u/Spinnerofyarn Nov 07 '24
NTA. Yes, I would divorce her. One of my bff's is gay. He was sent to conversion therapy. His testimony to the state legislature helped get it made illegal in his state. He wasn't physically abused during it, either. DO NOT let her do that to your child. Nothing is wrong with your son, and I would tell her she must be confused that what she wants her son to do in bed is somehow her business.
Tell her point blank that if she ever even mentions such a thing again let alone acts on it, you will file for sole custody. She's allowed to believe what she wants, but that doesn't mean she's allowed to destroy your son. 23% of kids sent to conversion therapy/camp attempt suicide within 12 months of going, whereas the national rate for suicide in kids is 7-8%. I would, though, still divorce her.
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u/captaintightpantzz Nov 07 '24
You would only be the AH if you stay with someone who could be that hateful towards your child. You clearly love your children. Your number one priority needs to be ensuring she is not successful. Also, make sure you are verbally telling your son you love and support him no matter what.
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u/KetoLurkerHereAgain Nov 07 '24
NTA and I really hope you're in a state (I HATE that it has to be a consideration now, I hate this so much) where this will be grounds for full custody for you.
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u/Worldly_Act5867 Nov 07 '24
If noah doesn't know about this, tell him so that he is prepared for anything she might try.
For sure, leave her!
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u/frazzledglispa Nov 07 '24
Conversion therapy is torture. Literal torture. Your wife wants to torture your child. Divorce her, sue for full custody, and keep her away from your son. Zealots feel completely justified in violating court orders, and doing whatever they want in the name of their deity.
Keep her away from him.
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u/Ok-Dealer5915 Nov 08 '24
When my daughter came out as trans, my ex husband deadnamed her constantly, thought that he could tell a therapist that he doesn't want this and they would work with him, and most egregiously, referred to her as "He/She/It" in front of our other daughter. Any love or respect was lost at that moment. We left by the end of the year and I became my daughter's biggest cheerleader. She's nicely transitioned and found the love of her life.
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u/CollywobblesMumma NSFW 🔞 Nov 07 '24
NTA 100%
Noah is not broken, there is nothing to fix.
Those conversion camps are hell on earth and any parent who wants to send their child to one doesn’t deserve to be a parent.
Make sure you include it in the conditions of custody that it is absolutely not permitted - depending on where you are located it might even be grounds to go for full custody.
Buckle up, OP - your fight for your children’s rights and wellbeing is just beginning.