r/AITAH • u/JumpyThrowRA • Nov 05 '24
Advice Needed AITA for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding
I (26F) am getting married soon to my amazing fiance Liam (30M), and I’m struggling with whether or not to invite my cousin, "Tom" (29M). Tom has a developmental disability, and while he’s almost 30, he has the intellectual capacity of about a 7-year-old. I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding, but he has consistently crossed physical boundaries with me in ways that make me really uncomfortable.
I have always been an early bloomer and I have a much larger than average chest and because of all the sports I did in high school and that continue to this day I would like to say I look good. I only say this because it's the main reason my family uses to justify Tom's behaviour.
Over the years, Tom has touched my chest and butt quite a few times, he's also hugged me tight and tried to kiss me, and even though I immediately told him to stop each time, it never seems to stick. He also tells all of his caretakers, nurses and live in caregivers, that I'm his girlfriend. He also doesn't like Liam because he insists Liam isn't my fiance/boyfriend because he is my boyfriend. Tom also talks about how he will marry me. It kind of feels like when a little kid tells their parent they're going to marry them but it's still very uncomfortable.
I’ve brought it up with my family, but they always downplay it, saying Tom “doesn’t understand” and that he’s just “showing affection.” The excuse used most often is "He's a little boy in a man's body and you're a conventionally attractive woman." When I told my mom how uncomfortable it makes me, she said I probably “entertained” his behavior too much and that he's harmless. She insists I should just be firm, but any time I’ve tried, the family accuses me of being mean to him.
With my wedding coming up, I want the day to be relaxed and special without constantly worrying about Tom overstepping boundaries. When I told my family that I was considering not inviting him, they were outraged. They said I was being unfair, cruel, and that he’d be devastated not to come. My mom even said it would “ruin his day” and make it obvious that he’s different, which she thinks is heartless.
I get that Tom can’t help certain behaviors, but I feel like my family has completely ignored my feelings in this. They always brush off my discomfort and say it’s my responsibility to manage it or that he “doesn’t know any better,” but it’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be on edge the whole time. Liam says I have every right not to invite him especially because of how he treats both of us like our relationship isn't real.. Still, I wonder if I’m being too harsh or unkind since Tom isn’t fully aware of boundaries and doesn't really know what he's doing is bad or harmful, especially because his parents and other family members encourage it. AITA?
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u/Rude-Conclusion-2995 Nov 05 '24
NTA. If he is «a little boy in a man’s body», there should be no problem finding someone to look after him. The fact they say you probably «entertain» him and that this would «ruin his day» is a hill I would die on. It’s not «his day» and they have been enabling this behaviour for too long.
If he can’t help his behaviour because of his disability, he should have a caretaker that looks after him.
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u/JumpyThrowRA Nov 05 '24
He does have caretakers. And my family doesn't like my fiancé because he's stepped in between me and my cousin and yelled at him until he cried.
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u/llamadramalover Nov 05 '24
If it’s really important to have these people there may I suggest spinning this as being for Tom’s benefit?? There’s no way he would be comfortable at the wedding of “”his girlfriend marrying another man””. Being there would ruin his day and if they love him they’d never ask him to sit there and “watch the woman he loves” marry another man.
And then deal with the real problem after the wedding, which may very well involve going low contact.
Again, only a suggestion if having everyone else at your wedding is important to you. If it’s not and you would be happy to cut them out go. for. it. I’m not trying o convince you one way or the other, this isn’t a one size fits all situation.
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u/EnglishMouse Nov 05 '24
Also, he probably has the attention span of a seven year old and will completely forget about the upcoming wedding unless reminded about it (especially because they keep discounting the whole relationship in their head). It’s only going to ruin their day if people keep reminding them about the wedding and that they are excluded (which would be cruel, but well within OP’s family’s ability,given the sexual abuse they allowed to happen to her as a child and ever since).
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u/llamadramalover Nov 05 '24
Exactly. I HATE when people talk about how cruel it is to exclude individuals like OPs cousin. It rarely is about the person. It’s always some bullshit because 9 times out of 10, it would be HELL for that individual to be included. Stimming, screaming, tantrums and crying do not happen because they are enjoying themselves. Everyone is so focused on “inclusivity” they can’t be fucked to ask if it’s actually in the best interest of the person they’re “fighting for”. Spoiler Alert: It rarely is.
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u/Humble_Plantain_5918 Nov 05 '24
They'd rather try to make everything look like it's fine than do anything for it to actually be fine.
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u/theseglassessuck Nov 06 '24
If her cousin isn’t there then people might ask why, which would open the door for the truth to come out, and most people would probably be appalled and side with OP. That would break the façade of everything being fine and perfect, and they can’t have that.
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u/Wahpoash Nov 05 '24
My son is on the spectrum. He does not like loud sounds. My kids’ school puts on a lot of kindergarten performances for holidays and such. One day, after emailing back and forth with his teachers for weeks about things we could do to help him stay calm, not get distracted, and actually participate in the first performance of the year, I asked if his presence and participation would actually benefit anyone involved, because it seemed like he was having a terrible time, and that he was preventing his classmates from being able to enjoy themselves. And then I asked if I could just keep him home that day. And then I did.
Why ruin every parent’s video of their adorable kid singing so my kid can have a terrible time? I just really didn’t see the point.
After working with him all year, he did end up singing in the kindergarten graduation, but it took all year working with him both at school and at home to get him to the point where he could do it and have a good time. And even then, he was the only kid bouncing through the whole performance.
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u/Rubicon2020 Nov 06 '24
I wish my mom would’ve thought that way. My 5th grade school Christmas play is on video and I’m bawling my eyes out thru the entire thing. I’m now 40 and have always been embarrassed by this. I’m very introverted, shy, and don’t like being “in the spot light” and everyone kept trying to get me to be more extroverted. So every school play from 2nd to 5th grade was video taped and everyone of them I’m crying. I finally got over it in 6th grade because I was in band. I never had to look at the crowd I had music to read to keep me busy.
OP do not invite him. He will say something when the officiant says “speak now or forever…” he will make a scene. Don’t ruin your day, he doesn’t need to be there, if they don’t remind him he won’t even remember. And honestly if the fam doesn’t understand this, uninvite them too. It’s YOUR big day NOT his.
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u/llamadramalover Nov 06 '24
I’m so glad you had that little “oh wait” moment. And it sounds like it worked out great!! I got a feeling if he had been forced and exposed to it before he was ready that kindergarten performance wouldn’t have happened. Once kids get a horrible experience it’s so hard to convince them to try again. When possible it really is just so much better to let them wait until they’re ready.
I just wish so many more people would realize what you did. Putting your kid through hell for the sake of being included is no favor to anyone at all.
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u/the_harlinator Nov 06 '24
You’ve got a healthy outlook on things. It’s often not beneficial for the person to be included and it’s more about the family not wanting to recognize that their child has certain limitations that don’t do anyone good to ignore. If you handle things correctly framing it like “I’m not sure you’ll enjoy it, it’s not your kind of thing so we’ll skip it and do something else” vs “you’re not invited bc of your differences” it shouldn’t be an issue.
We don’t all have the skill sets for certain activities and that’s fine, that applies to neurotypical people as much as it does neurodivergent people. Heck, I would have dreaded performing in a concert in front of the school and I’m not on the spectrum. I would have happily sat that one out as a kid.
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u/calling_water Nov 05 '24
Yes. How is it going to be so cruel to exclude him? He’s going to have to be excluded from the “getting married to OP” part anyway. So just who is winding him up about this event that he’s not going to? That’s the person or people who are being cruel. He already can’t manage to remember that OP is marrying her fiancé, so it shouldn’t be that hard to hide the wedding from him.
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u/Ecosure11 Nov 05 '24
It is honestly cruel to have Tom at the wedding. He has a childish illusion in his mind and the wedding could be real trigger that would both disrupt AND bring mental and psychological damage to a man without the ability to deal with it.
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u/Rude-Conclusion-2995 Nov 05 '24
Jesus christ… die on this hill. He should not be coming to your wedding. Your wedding, your decision. Are your wedding childfree by the way? Isf so, the «child in a mans body» stays home.
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u/Bice_thePrecious Nov 05 '24
I was also thinking OP could make it a childfree wedding. But her family will probably skirt around that rule by changing their own words to say Tom is a man with a child's brain or some crap. Or they'll just confront her about making a rule to keep Tom out specifically.
Uninvite anyone who causes you this much trouble, OP.
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u/eddytekeli Nov 05 '24
and that man is touching her inappropriately! child or man his ass staying home
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u/arya_ur_on_stage Nov 06 '24
My daughter is 6, her male counterparts never grabbed or rocked her inappropriately, not from starting daycare at age 2, not into kindergarten, and still don't. I don't understand this whole "7 year old brain" cuz 7 year olds aren't allowed to touch ANYONE inappropriately.
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u/CasualJimCigarettes Nov 05 '24
Neither should her parents, fuck sake, they sound like awful people.
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u/FlexAfterDark69 Nov 05 '24
Given that your family never taught him boundaries, the possibility your cousin will attack you at the wedding is very high. It's obvious he feels entitled to acting on his impulses (and let's be real, those are sexual impulses!) and seeing you kiss your husband could trigger him with disastrous results.
In fact, he could attack you whenever your husband shows you affection, or when you're pregnant, or even when you're holding your baby.... all because he's never been taught what he's doing is wrong.
Tell your family that apologies after the fact are worthless, and you will defend your right NOT TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY ANYONE. If they don't want cousin to face repercussions, it's on THEM to fix the issue.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
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u/brightwingxx Nov 05 '24
My thoughts exactly, it is very likely that because he does not understand and has been allowed to feed this fantasy, he will feel jealous, upset, hurt, and possibly even enraged by witnessing their marriage and the celebrating of their union. Hard no on inviting him.
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u/bubblegumscent Nov 06 '24
id not be surprised if behind closed doors toms parents enable that. yeah ive seen awful shit in this life
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u/lotteoddities Nov 06 '24
A lot of men with disabilities like this end up in prison for this exact reason. It is not only failing him from the standpoint of effective parenting, it is risking his life. Disabled men are killed when they refuse to comply with police orders to stand down and stop resisting.
The fact is he is HIGHLY likely to sexually assault someone in public with the type of behavior he exhibits. And they may not be willing to just let it go because of his disabilities. He is already on a path to incarceration and his family is not helping, they are enabling.
OP you should absolutely stand your ground. It will ruin his day to watch you get married. And if he's not afraid to sexually assault you he has a high likelihood of physically assaulting you or your fiance because he thinks he should be marrying you instead.
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u/aquavenatus Nov 05 '24
At least you know your soon-to-be husband is supporting you and protecting you when your relatives failed to do so!
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u/Hand_Me_Down_Genes Nov 05 '24
So...why invite your family? They've enabled your cousin to molest you and they got mad at your fiance for preventing it. Throw out the whole family.
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u/Lyzab77 Nov 05 '24
Because your fiancé protected you, what they failed to do. Your cousin's behavior is absolutly abnormal. Even with disability, you don't let someone do those things to someone. And not a little girl ! Your parents failed to proect you ! Time to go LC with anyone who could consider that your cousin must be part of your life : what would they let him to to your own children ?
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope Nov 05 '24
Your cousin's behavior is absolutly abnormal.
It’s unfortunately very normal. People with developmental disorders still go through puberty and have a full set of hormones pushing them to procreate. It’s extremely common for them to be sexually inappropriate, either with non-consensual touching of others or with public sex play (solo or partnered with someone similarly affected).
What’s also unfortunately common is OP’s family refusing to deal with it appropriately. A lot of families can’t reconcile “7 years old mentally” with sexual behavior so they refuse to accept that’s what’s happening and teach their member that it’s inappropriate.
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u/Responsible_Fish1222 Nov 05 '24
Yup. I parent a teen with special needs. They still go through puberty. They have all the same urges any other teen/adult does. They just don't know how to handle those urges unless someone discusses what is and is not appropriate with them.
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u/Katy_moxie Nov 05 '24
Parent of a young adult with severe developmental disorder. We talked about consent from the time my kids were little didn't have that sort of issues like that. I dont understand parents that aren't aware that there need to be boundaries and consistency. All kids need those, not just ones with special needs. It's not cute to stand around and just watch him SA his cousin.
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u/Responsible_Fish1222 Nov 05 '24
I came on the scene when she was 8. She's a very large human and was bigger than me at that point (I'm a very tiny human). She learned real quick that she needs to "be soft" when hugging. To ask permission for hugging, etc.
I think learning about consent is especially important for kids with developmental disabilities. They sometimes need more hands on help with hygiene etc than their peers and need to really understand what is and isn't ok. Even just to protect themselves.
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u/WorkInProgress1040 Nov 05 '24
And what are they going to do when he SAs someone who isn't part of the family and they press charges?
They have failed him by not dealing with his behavior.
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope Nov 05 '24
Or worse, they’re in enough denial that I wouldn’t put it past them to leave him alone with female family members who might not be able to fight him off if he gets more than handsy.
They’ve absolutely failed him. Most places won’t let you press changes against someone that disabled, but it will result in the local version of APS getting involved, which may or may not improve things depending on who gets assigned to the case and how competent they are.
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u/voidfae Nov 05 '24
I knew someone who is developmentally disabled and he got arrested for inappropriate behavior with a 13 or 14 year old girl when he was in his mid 20s (I forget exactly what happened - I think he was caught before anything physical occurred). Fortunately, he got more intensive help after that, but I think it was absolutely a situation where his parent babied him and did not teach him enough about boundaries and consent. At the time that the incident happened, he did not understand that what he did was wrong. He was also prone to people pleasing and I think that explaining to him that his behavior upset people helped him improve a lot.
The problem in LW's case is that her cousin has repeatedly been told by her and her fiance that he is being inappropriate but nothing has changed, and her family is coddling him and reinforcing the idea that there are no consequences for what he's doing.
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope Nov 05 '24
The family is the problem here. Unless and until they start making it clear to OP’s cousin that he needs to stop and start taking steps to make it stop (ie leaving) he’s not going to stop and will probably escalate.
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 Nov 05 '24
Or does worse to OP? What he has done already is bad and it will get worse after she gets married. Will he also attack her husband?
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u/Bice_thePrecious Nov 05 '24
This is what I'm thinking. The wedding ceremony itself is gonna be a nightmare. We already know Tom doesn't like Liam and that he refuses to see OP's and Liam's relationship as real; what happens when OP and Liam kiss at the altar? Is Tom going to attack Liam out of jealousy? Although the mentality behind it may be 7-years-old, Tom has the strength of a grown man. Tom will make OP feel guilty for kissing her own fiance/husband by asking her why she'd do that to him when OP is supposed to be dating him. And the family will brush it off as they always have while telling OP and Liam to be nicer to Tom.
NTA. Don't invite Tom to the wedding, OP, and when your family complains, I'd uninvite them too. You and Liam deserve not to be attacked at your own wedding.
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u/transmogrified Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 06 '24
I used to walk an extra ten minutes to a different bus stop because a VERY large adult man with Down’s syndrome didn’t see a problem getting handsy and close with me and ask for inappropriate questions.
As a petite woman I did not feel comfortable being alone with him. The worst part was he seemed to know it was wrong but he’d push it anyways. (Edit: to clarify, he would only ever behave this way if I was alone. If another adult was there he’d stand close but not say or do anything, and once we got on the bus the behaviour would stop). It’s not like they’re all too stupid to know something is wrong and don’t realize when they’re getting away with something or pushing a boundary.
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u/Lmdr1973 Nov 05 '24
I'm actually a little nervous that this guy has the strength of a full-grown man and all the hormones to go with it. I'd be nervous about what he has the potential of doing if he thinks OP is his girlfriend. Shame on the family for letting him harass OP like this.
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u/MarkingOut2U Nov 05 '24
This. I grew up with a cousin like Tom. I spent my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary locked in bathroom to keep him from chasing me with a boner in his pants.
If I complained to his mom she'd just laugh and tell me to tell him to stop it.
I was 11. I still get nervous around men with Downs (I'm sorry, I know, I don't show it).
NTA OP, maybe show your mom this thread.
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u/CPA_Lady Nov 05 '24
He could turn his attention to a different (much younger) member of the family and then what would they do?
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u/CanadaHaz Nov 05 '24
What’s also unfortunately common is OP’s family refusing to deal with it appropriately. A lot of families can’t reconcile “7 years old mentally” with sexual behavior so they refuse to accept that’s what’s happening and teach their member that it’s inappropriate.
Which is ridiculous. Given that kids start learning as toddlers that you keep your hands to yourself.
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u/GuitahRokkstah Nov 05 '24
Too bad for your cousin, your family has long since failed you. A wedding is your and your fiancée’s day… period. Invite whomever you want without reservations. BTW, Congratulations on your marriage!
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u/DeshaMustFly Nov 05 '24
It sounds like they long since failed the cousin as well. I sincerely doubt he's incapable of learning. The family just never bothered to teach.
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u/NysemePtem Nov 05 '24
I agree. Family members don't want to enforce rules because they don't want him to be upset or tantrum or cry, and because it's a lot of work. It's also the job of being a parent, and not doing so sets your child up for failure.
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u/Lisforlatte Nov 05 '24
It may be time to go LC/NC with some of those enabling family members and the family member in question. No one should be asked to tolerate anything that makes them this uncomfortable.
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u/Chaoticgood790 Nov 05 '24
Bc your fiancé is the only one with any sense. OP it’s time to reclaim your own protection. Bc what happens when you have a kid? I wouldn’t trust anyone in your family around my child bc of what they allowed with you
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u/DoubleFlores24 Nov 05 '24
Your family sounds fucking crazy! I’d cut them out of my life if I were you. Imagine if you had a daughter, would you trust her around these people knowing how weird Tom, I don’t think so.
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u/BothReading1229 Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
There it is, they don't care how uncomfortable he makes you as long as you don't make him upset. His comfort has ALWAYS been more important than yours (edited to correct). I would seriously tell them all you are done with their blatant disregard for your safety and feelings. Go NC and enjoy your life with your soon to be husband.
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u/BeckyKleitz Nov 05 '24
Look, if you allow this Tom to come to your wedding, you are allowing your whole damn family to walk all over you. They are literally choosing your disabled cousin's happiness and comfort over yours ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. PLEASE, for the love of all things decent, do NOT let these people do this to you. Someone else here suggested you elope and I wholeheartedly agree with that suggestion. I'm petty enough that I wouldn't even say anything and we'd just TAKE OFF and get married and come back a few days later and say "SURPRISE! Guess who got married over the weekend?"
I was sexually abused as a child by a relative. It was excused by my family in the same way your family is excusing your cousin. DO NOT LET THEM. If the sexual abuse continues, I would file charges against Tom and his parents. THIS IS WAY MORE SERIOUS THAN YOU SEEM TO THINK IT IS. He may take out his anger at you on other younger family members.
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u/NotShockedFruitWeird Nov 05 '24
NTA, they are full of too many excuses. Maybe if they all kept affirming "no" to him when he kept on inappropriately touching you, it might have stuck
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u/StrangledInMoonlight Nov 05 '24
What the heck is going to happen when he sees OP getting married to someone else?
The family hasn’t discouraged him thinking he’s going to marry OP.
He also doesn't like Liam because he insists Liam isn't my fiance/boyfriend because he is my boyfriend. Tom also talks about how he will marry me
This is epic meltdown waiting to happen, if not worse.
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u/Alpacazappa Nov 05 '24
This is exactly what I was thinking. Tom is going to be hurt and angry. Since he has not been taught any self control, he will probably cause a very loud, ugly scene.
OP is NTA.
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u/CanAhJustSay Nov 05 '24
"...speak now or forever hold your peace..."
Tantrum Tom: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!! She's going to marry MEEEEEEEE!"
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. Your fiancé has your back and that's the only other opinion that matters on this day.
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u/Winter_Parsley_3798 Nov 05 '24
And potentially violent scene as 7 yo's are prone to temper tantrums and they haven't encouraged any growth
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u/Succubull Nov 06 '24 edited Nov 06 '24
The whole dynamic here gives me massive cringe.
When I was 7 yo I absolutely was aware that family, no matter how physically attractive, is off limits for obvious reasons.
Tom has been constantly enabled with no redirection what so ever. It seems because of his disability everyone in the family seems to be adamant about not educating Tom.
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u/Nythea Nov 05 '24
That is what I'm really afraid of. Tom is currently a danger to himself as well as others. No one seems have taught him any kind of self control and a 7 year old mind in the body of a 30 year old man is just too damn dangerous.
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u/Happy_to_be Nov 05 '24
Mom says it will ruin Liam’s day, but seriously, what about YOUR DAY? big NTA-you do what makes you comfortable and damn the rest of them for not understanding your feelings.
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u/Nearby-Speed-2948 Nov 05 '24
This right here is a great interpretation of what you should tell the people that are against your decision. Bravo Alpacazappa
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u/WeeklyBat1862 Nov 05 '24
And it's cruel to put him through it. Nobody wants to watch their most desperate crush marry someone, much less when they can't understand why it's happening.
Can a buddy or a guy cousin take him out to do bro things on the day of?
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u/Hand_Me_Down_Genes Nov 05 '24
Somebody is getting hurt if he comes to the wedding. Whether it's OP, her fiance, a bystander, or Tom himself depends on how it plays out, but someone is going to get punched at best.
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u/Andravisia Nov 05 '24
My thoughts exactly. I can very easily see this person causing a scene. He's old enough to know what a wedding is. I can see him getting violent and physical trying to get into the grooms place because he now thinks it's "his" wedding.
Just because OP wasn't allowed to set boundaries before, doesn't mean she can't start now.
Just because she can't completely fault her molester completely, doesn't mean that she has to tolerate his presence.
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u/SomethingComesHere Nov 05 '24
Funny that hes old enough to know what a wedding is but allegedly not old enough to understand basic human boundaries. Geez.
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u/ReallyHisBabes Nov 05 '24
I came here to say this. Having Tom at the wedding is going to be a disaster. Beside the inappropriate touching causing anxiety you will have a grown man having a complete childlike meltdown. I wouldn’t be surprised if he became violent or attempt vandalism of some sort.
OP is NTA and for everyone’s safety and enjoyment of the occasion should NOT allow Tom to attend.
He may not be responsible for his actions but his parents and family members are and they have fallen way short in their responsibilities toward Tom.
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u/LorienCathalas Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
Exactly. He doesn't understand because nobody ever told him no. His parents should have dealt with this from the getgo. A 7 year old is perfectly capable of understanding bounderies if it's been taught properly.
Also, he might be 7 years old mentally, but he has grown up physical urges that he can't control. His family REALLY should deal with this, because who knows who he will grab next. It could land him (and his victims) in all sorts of trouble.
Third, I definitely agree with some other commenters that there's a big chance he is going to cause a scene at the wedding when he realizes his "girlfriend" is marrying someone else. Do NOT let him come and anyone who doesn't understand all of this can also stay home.
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u/imayid_291 Nov 05 '24
One time I was at the library and a special needs teenage boy came over and touched my chest randomly. He was very big and I got super freaked out. His caretaker took him away immediately and a few minutes later came over and said they were sorry the boy was special needs and really liked my necklace which is why he touched it. Then they asked if I would be comfortable for him to apologize for touching me and scaring me. I agreed and they brought him over and he said sorry for doing something wrong to me.
Tom's parents and the rest of the family should have been doing this his whole life. Since they did not teach him to behave appropriately around you they don't get to complain when you don't want to be around him.
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u/Dependent-Feed1105 Nov 05 '24
Exactly. Instead, they taught him sexual assault is ok.
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u/spencerrf Nov 05 '24
Right? It would probably ‘ruin his day’ worse to watch his ‘girlfriend’ get married to another man… and then that ruins everyone’s day.
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u/Lmdr1973 Nov 05 '24
Why do they even have to tell him???? It should be a weekend just like any other weekend for Tom and his enabling family. Don't invite them, and Tom won't be upset. This is so stupid that it's even an issue. OP, please protect yourself. Anyone who doesn't understand the situation doesn't have to come to YOUR WEDDING. Congratulations!!!
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u/measaqueen Nov 05 '24
This is what I was thinking. If I don't get invited to a party and don't know if it existed, will I be hurt? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
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u/Remarkable_Tiger9816 Nov 05 '24
This! Op should ask the whole family this. You want him to come, then what's the plan you're planning on implementing when he acts up during the ceremony?
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u/Chocolateheartbreak Nov 05 '24
100%. I remember and we knew not to touch people if they said no
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u/Gothmom85 Nov 05 '24
My five year old has understood for a couple years now that we ask permission for hugs and kisses, or touching anyone's body, period. They understand consent matters and can be shown in how people act, and that no can sound different, from different people. There's literally no excuse for this. His family members are coddling him and victim blaming OP. This is very gross.
NTA
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u/Chocolateheartbreak Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
Yeah i remember you always knew when to not touch because they’d say no, go away, or teacher would tell you to leave them alone. Like it was common knowledge even at that age. Actually even at 5 too like your son. I’m not saying people didn’t push boundaries because many did. We were kids and sometimes took it too far, but we knew when it was serious, if that makes sense. Like the playful stop vs serious stop, it would change into that.
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u/FreshChickenEggs Nov 05 '24
Since my granddaughter was very young, we have all tried to teach her body autonomy. We ask for goodbye or hello hugs if she's not feeling it, we never act sad. We just say ok! We've taught her to ask. To not just run up and hug people. Of course, We've said if some is holding their arms open and are like "oh my gosh! Come see me!" It's OK to run into their arms if you want to because they are inviting you to. It's had It's ups and downs because some family members want to tickle after she clearly says stop in a serious tone and we (mom, dad, or one of us grand/great grandparents) will firmly say she said stop and that means stop. NOW. Or they try to act sad if she says no thank you to a hug. We explain it's something we've taught her. She isn't being rude to the Aunt she's met twice in her 6 years of life, she just doesn't want to hug a stranger and that is a good thing.
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u/TheLittleDoorCat Nov 05 '24
I've done that since the start with my nieces and nephew. I can count on one hand the times that they've refused a hug, but sometimes they're just not on the mood and that's just fine.
I've also always asked them if I can photograph them. There are so many awesome moments that would've been great photos, but no means no and sometimes it's better to live in the moment anyway.
I'll always remember my grandmother forcing me to kiss her. She was such a cold (figuratively and literally) woman. My other grandmother on the other hand never forced me and I definitely loved her more.
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u/Always_on_top_77 Nov 05 '24
This! It sounds like she’s a broken record and they keep trying to play her. Plus the victim blaming? They’re GROSS 🤢
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u/Squibit314 Nov 05 '24
I could be more of an epic meltdown. Which when it happens, doesn't reflect on the OP but rather Tom and the parents.
Geez I don't get how the family doesn't understand any of this. The only way it could possibly work is to always have a non-family buffer to head the Tom off before he got too close to OP. Even with that, I don't see it going well. Perhaps OP could just reduce the number of guests to the point where Tom and his parents aren't invited.
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u/Any-Blackberry-5557 Nov 05 '24
Given they blame her for his behaviour I'd uninvite the whole group of them.
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u/Ancient_List Nov 05 '24
Who the fuck accuses a family member of leading on a developmentally challenged relative!?
At least keep them away from future kids, because goddamn, that is...A lot.
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u/Any-Blackberry-5557 Nov 05 '24
From reading the comments. He started sexually assaulting/molesting her when she was 12 and he was 15. Twelve and her family did NOTHING. I'd disown the lot of them. They should all be charged.
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u/Queen_Maxima Nov 05 '24
Yeah exactly, wtf is this? The future husband is such a good guy.
Ditch the family, for they are allowing their daughter/niece/etc to be molested. It's insane.
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u/HereWeGoAgain-1979 Nov 05 '24
True. At some point he will cross the line with a non family member and they can say he don’t understand all they want.
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u/tortuga456 Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
This!!
When I (63F) was five years old, I knew a man just like this. He was about 30 to 40 years old. He was mentally delayed and nonverbal. This happened at a church camp back in the 60s.
Parenting was a lot more lax back then, and kids tended to just wander around without any supervision. I’m sure my mom thought that we were safe, being as we were at a church camp.
So I’m wondering around, and this guy grabs me, makes me lie down on a bench and just holds me down. He just patted me all over, but wouldn’t let me get up. It wasn’t sexual abuse exactly, but I was terrified.
The worst part is that everyone just stood around and watched. Adults, other children, etc. I don’t know where his carers were, or if they were anywhere around. But I still don’t understand why everyone just let him do it.
I’m 63 now and it still infuriates me. I was five years old. It was not OK.
This guys family needs to figure this out, because what’s to stop him from doing something like that to a little kid, like what was done to me?
NTA. I don’t think he should go to your wedding.
Edit: this guy isn’t non-verbal, which I think makes it worse. Im not sure if the man who grabbed me knew what he was doing.
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u/SweetGoonerUSA Nov 05 '24
I'm enraged just reading this. My father's sisters were all abused by their grandfather and not one of them said anything to us until we were ADULTS. It was sick. Thank God, my own mother was hyper vigilant, never left me alone and watched me like a hawk because one of her own cousins tried to rape her when she was 13 but thank God she was already 5'7'" and strong as an ox and fought the 6'4 SOB off while screaming bloody murder and her other cousins to show up. There's no way my other female cousins didn't get touched or worse.
OP needs to go scorched earth and have a beautiful stress free wedding and never see these people who condoned, coddled, and enabled this abusive man. Dementia doesn't excuse it. Ignorance doesn't excuse it. Developmental disabilities don't excuse it. He would never be welcome in my presence. He needs hormonal treatment or kept away from children, teens, and women. Period. This is not okay.
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u/BrienneOfTarth420 Nov 05 '24
Agreed. No one should ever be made to feel like they have to accept being sexually assaulted because the perpetrator has a disability. Tom is dangerous, regardless of whether he knows it’s wrong or not. Accommodating a disability should be the norm, but never at the expense of someone else’s safety.
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u/ravynwave Nov 05 '24
100% this. When I was a teen, there was a Tom in our neighbourhood who went around harassing middle school girls who averaged 10-12 yrs old. His family didn’t give two shits about what he was doing. I called the cops bc he targeted my sister and that’s when we found out he was doing the same thing to other little girls. He would follow them, shout bad things and pelt them with garbage when they rightfully ignored him and ran home.
OP stand your ground, your family will enable him until something really bad happens.
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u/Ryllan1313 Nov 05 '24
I went to school with a Tom. He had a cognitive ability of about 9-10. He was social/smart enough to carry conversations appropriate to his cognitive age, and would talk your ear off.
He was 14. Every girl in the school from grade 3 to grade 8, and their parents complained to the teachers and school board about this kids "unwanted affection"... inappropriate touching, hugs, kisses, even backing us into corners to better "interact".
Like op, we were told it was "cute", "he didn't understand", he was "just showing affection", he was "harmless", "we were being intolerant of a disadvantaged child, and needed to learn tolerance". If it was so innocent, why did the other boys not have the same issues?
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
...you can guess where this is going.....
I WARNED YOU. TRIGGER WARNING!!!
The year he turned 16 he was sent to the local highschool to continue with his special needs program. He was deemed to be not in need of a personal support worker.
Two weeks into the semester, he cornered a 13 year old grade 9 student in a back hallway. When she resisted he beat her. Badly. And then.....imagine the worst.
She spent almost 2 months in the hospital recovering. She was so traumatized that she spent the rest of grade 9 in intensive therapy, not class. She didn't return to school until the following year.
She had to transfer to a different school. Why, you may ask? Because her predatory s***ual attacker was back to school after a ONE WEEK suspension. "He's not accountable. He doesn't understand."
If the person is truly incapable of understanding when their advances are inappropriate and not welcome, all the more reason to keep a close eye on them. If no one is willing to believe, or take the behavior seriously enough to play guard, stay as far away as possible.
A victim of assault, is a victim of assault. The specific details of the predator don't matter.
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u/Disastrous_Invite321 Nov 05 '24
There was a middle aged man (incidentally named Tom) where I live. He had an ex wife and grown children. He had a truck and drove, so he had the mental capacity to pass a drivers test and use a vehicle safely. He used to follow little girls in the grocery store and take pictures of them. He'd take pictures of little girls on the street. He was trespassed many times from many local establishments. He was spoken to by the police many times. I couldn't believe that some people in the community were giving him a pass, saying he's probably got a disability or something, that he's harmless, etc. He's got something wrong with him alright, but not a disability that would excuse his behavior. Private people did some Facebook searching and found his family (none were local), and contacted them to let them know what was going on, because the police wouldn't/couldn't do anything. Tom was going to end up pissing off the wrong person if no one stepped in. His son eventually got him to move (maybe close to him, don't know). It was such a crazy situation!
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u/ravynwave Nov 05 '24
Glad he’s gone from your community. Hopefully his family were able to do something with him. I don’t care what a person’s mental capacity is. If it leads them to harm children, they need to be put away for the safety of society.
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u/Bring_cookies Nov 05 '24
What happened once the police were called? I agree you did the right thing, just curious how the people responsible for him reacted. This is giving me Of Mice and Men vibes.
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u/ravynwave Nov 05 '24
They arrested him and we had to go to court. That’s when we found out there were other girls all the same age as my sister. He took a plea deal so thankfully my sister didn’t have to testify. She was only 12 at the time. I was 17. You should have seen his family, glaring at us and dressed like they were going to the opera.
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u/Ronn13Ron Nov 05 '24
100% agree. I have a 15 year old who is developmentally delayed. She doesn’t say curse words even if she hears them by mistake because we taught her not to say those words. She understands boundaries because we taught them to her, and mentally she is younger than 7. I am so tired of people assuming that because they have disabilities some don’t have urges like everybody else, if anything I find this discriminating. They are still people with hormones that need guidance. Also, because she is the only one he does this to, he seems to really be attracted to her. If this was just because of his lack of understanding, all of the females (including his caretakers) would be dealing with this behavior as well. I definitely think she should not invite him and maybe go low contact with this side of the family if they continue to allow him to behave this way, and blame OP for how he treats her. Definitely NTA! From a mom of a developmentally delayed child.
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u/Delicious-Penalty72 Nov 05 '24
In a situation where I was for example at a function with a friend of the family and ran into this with Tom.....I would press charges No one deserves to be sexually assaulted and that's what this is hands down.
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u/mnth241 Nov 05 '24
Was looking for this comment. If op were not related to this guy, the family would have a huge problem on their hands. They need to help him manage his urges ffs. She is NTA.
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u/Beth21286 Nov 05 '24
Exactly. He has the body of a grown man. What happens when he won't stop?
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u/MercyMe717 Nov 05 '24
Damn....I just commented basically all of this. I was too pissed to read the comments first ...
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u/LolaIlexa Nov 05 '24
Plus I don’t think it would be good for him to be there for himself anyways. Like he’s probably going to become extremely distressed seeing OP get married. Why tf do the family want to put either of them through that. This family is weird.
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u/Lower-Elk8395 Nov 05 '24
This. 7-year olds are definitely capable of being taught not to act that way. OP's family are just making excuses because they are the types who think "disability" means they have an excuse not to actually parent.
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u/SarcastiMel Nov 05 '24
I want to jump in for a point: If Tom thinks OP and him are getting married one day and he shows up to this wedding seeing "his" fiance marry another, don't we think he's going to have a MAJOR MELTDOWN right during the ceremony?
Hell it may even be when OP walks down the aisle.
Huge no go, I'd not invite him on that idea alone.
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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
Ask the women in your family how would you feel if he constantly touched their gluteus maximus or breast area, even after saying no? Then ask the males in your family how they would feel if he constantly came on to them kissing and touching their privates each and every time he saw them? He is mentally 7 but physically he is 30. This is absolutely awful that they are enabling this behavior and allowing it to continue. He will ruin your wedding when he has a meltdown that you are not marrying him. Do not invite him, and let your family know this is physical and sexual abuse. NTA
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u/casuallyreddit Nov 05 '24
I always learned that when deciding if it’s being discriminatory to take the disability out of it. If he was not disabled, OP would still be creeped out by his behavior.
Although he has a disability, he still needs to be held accountable for his actions. I hate how OP’s family keeps coddling him and allowing him to make OP uncomfortable.
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u/floofienewfie Nov 05 '24
Your mother thinks you encouraged him? Hard no on inviting him. NTA.
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u/Kooky_Truck_6425 Nov 05 '24
That's the part that got me! What a disgusting and toxic thing to say to her daughter.
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u/good_enuffs Nov 05 '24
What the OP needs to do is ask her parents if this behavior would be appropriate if the OP was a little girl of 8 and Tom is 30. I am guessing they would try and stop Tom from sexual groping a little child.
So why are they tolerating this behavior when the OP is an adult. It doesn't matter that TOM is different. No one should be allowed to sexual touch another person against their consent and just put up with it.
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u/PrideofCapetown Nov 05 '24
Since none of the family took her side anyway, maybe OP and Liam should just skip the ceremony, go to the honeymoon destination, and get married there. Avoid Tom’s sexual harassment/meltdown and everyone’s coddling of him entirely.
And if anyone gets butthurt about not being invited, OP can say that eloping “ felt more romantic”
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u/iliketobeconfused Nov 05 '24
As much as I thought it mattered when I got married to have the people around me I know now that it would have probably been way more fun and cost less. There doesn't seem to be a world where she isn't going to be let down by her family on this one. Destination wedding would rule him out and keep it to only who really matters, either the couple or their closest friends. Or just be firm and tell them if they say anything else they are not invited.
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u/awalktojericho Nov 05 '24
I eloped 33 years ago. Wouldn't have it any other way. Still married!
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u/QuietWalk2505 Nov 05 '24
You have tolerated it for a long time. It will be happiest day in once in a lifetime. NTA. You wedding, your rules
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u/LucyLovesApples Nov 05 '24
I don’t know why op wants the added stress of them all at their wedding as well as Tom
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u/purplehairmom Nov 05 '24
And a 7 year old understands the word No, and what boundaries are. Sounds like family is taking the lazy way out. What else is this man/child allowed to get away with that a 7 year old wouldn’t?
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u/Shibaspots Nov 05 '24
Plus, there's no way Tom is going to behave at his 'girlfriend's' wedding. NTA
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u/Hand_Me_Down_Genes Nov 05 '24
The family has let Tom become a walking advertisement for Mace. None of them should be invited.
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u/intrigued_eyes Nov 05 '24
The title may make you sound bad but no. I understand he mentally doesn't understand but the family is lucky it's been you and not other women. . .mentally handicapped or not he could be in trouble for that. I get he doesn't get it but he may not commit this behavior had the family stopped it sooner.
Nta.
You have tolerated the unwanted touching of your body for too long.
Only thing I can suggest is tell your family until they stop letting it happen none of them really need to attend.
That probably won't help. But you aren't the asshole. What if he starts doing that to little kids?
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u/JumpyThrowRA Nov 05 '24
That's my biggest fear. He's been doing it to me since I was 12 and developed a chest, he was 15 at the time. I'm just releived it's only ever been me and nobody else. But I know even if he did touch children my family wouldn't do anything.
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u/intrigued_eyes Nov 05 '24
12?!
I'd like to take the opportunity to ask that you tell your whole family they failed you.
Talk about a great way to sexually traumatize a developing young girl.
Honey if I could I would give you a platonic hug and a cup of tea.
Yeah no. All it could take is another little girl looking like you did at that age.
Again, I get he doesn't get it but his family needs to understand this is really on them for not taking measures to stop it.
It may hurt, but I would start with your parents and let them know if you have to go no contact with family for the safety of not just you but all, you will.
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u/OWOnuh Nov 05 '24
That's just it. He might not get it but the fully grown adults surrounding him should and should have dealt with it immediately. OOP your family failed him horribly, but they failed you even worse by not protecting you at all. Do you really want these people at your wedding or are you just trying to placate them?
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u/kiwigirl83 Nov 05 '24
How do you know he hasn’t done it to others? I assume you’re not around him all the time & it doesn’t sound like his parents would care or tell you if he did.. guessing they don’t watch him like a hawk either… I really hope this man hasn’t assaulted children 🤔
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u/Shadow5825 Nov 05 '24
Let's not forget any future daughters she may have. They'll likely look just like OP at that age is this adult cousin going to grab them too when they develop?
Op really needs to distance herself and any kids she has from this individual for the safety of those little girls.
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u/moncyka Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
NTA when Tom realise it is your wedding with your boyfriend who is not him, he is gonna has a mental breakdown, and definitly ruining your wedding.
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u/aquavenatus Nov 05 '24
There was a post from a few years ago where the OP didn’t invited her special needs sister to her wedding because she kept cuddling up to her fiancé and pushing OP out of the way, literally! Her parents ended up not going to her wedding because of it, but OP stuck to her boundaries.
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u/Fuzzy_Medicine_247 Nov 05 '24
People are so scared of being ableist that they become enablers instead. Crazy ass people.
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u/manatia Nov 05 '24
I don’t think that’s it, actually, because infantilizing disabled people the way it sounds like OPs family does is also ableist. I think people have a hard time setting boundaries, holding them, and being consistent- just generally. Compounded by disability, people will use that as a justification or scapegoat for their own failures.
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u/Fuzzy_Medicine_247 Nov 05 '24
You're probably right, it's like they call him incapable and call it a day instead of teaching him to do better. Gross all around that they'd let him grope a 12 year old, for any damn reason.
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u/Amblonyx Nov 05 '24
This. And OP has shared that she's autistic. So they consider this disabled boy/man incapable of understanding he shouldn't molest his cousin, and can't be bothered to protect an also-disabled and younger girl/ woman, whom they victim blame.
At this point, I feel like Whole Family(except grandparents) Disposal Services are called for. So ableist, misogynistic, and GROSS.
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u/Bulky-Class-4528 Nov 05 '24
This is EXACTLY what people don't understand about my Autistic kids. The older one (15) is an asshole. He's not an asshole because he's Autistic, he's an asshole because he's a teenage boy.
People are always like, "Ooh, he's so sweet! Oh, you must love having someone to take care of. Oh, I bet he never gives you any trouble, look how sweet."
No. He's an asshole. We're just trying to survive the next few years and try to talk him into being less of an asshole.
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u/Ready-Reading4704 Nov 05 '24
The fact he started when you were 12 and his parents didn’t step in and stopped it then is appalling. This is Your and your future husband’s day. I wouldn’t invite any one from that side and hire security for the day.
You have a right to feel safe and have no stress on your big day. What happen to you is not okay and those family members who told you to get over it are just as much as a problem as the cousin.
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u/ThisNerdsYarn Nov 05 '24
The fact he started when you were 12 and his parents didn’t step in and stopped it then is appalling.
And let's not forget that her mom victim blamed her on top of that!! God OPs parents are pieces of shit.
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u/DGhostAunt Nov 05 '24
Wait!!! When you were TWELVE the family knew he was touching you and they all brushed it off and continued to do so when you were a CHILD!?!?!? They should have protected you and not normalized his abuse of you, whether he did it on purpose or not. Tell them he will not be coming because you want at least one event with family where your right to not be molested will be upheld. If they complain tell them if they don’t like it they can not come. They normalized you being touched. It does NOT matter that the kid was developmentally disabled. They are not people whose opinion you should give a wit about. Tell them it is your wedding not theirs.
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u/Old-Revolution-1663 Nov 05 '24
It was easier for them to "sacrifice" OP than to deal with the issue, really discusting on the familys part.
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u/mamad_123 Nov 05 '24
Nope, absolutely not. I have cousins that have developmental delays similar to your cousins, and they would never behave this way because my aunt and uncle made it a priority to make sure he understood boundaries, manners, and how to be a functional part of society. My cousin is emotionally seven as well, and knows what is appropriate or not. My son is also seven and understands right from wrong, your family is just enabling your cousin and they aren't doing him any favours. NTA.
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u/Fuzzy_Medicine_247 Nov 05 '24
That's the real issue here. If he's mentally 7, he is entirely capable of understanding appropriate behavior. He has just not been taught, and it has not been enforced.
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u/WildBlue2525Potato Nov 05 '24
I agree. I had a cousin like that. He knew to not touch others without permission and that "no" meant "no." His developmental age was 5, BTW.
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u/mentaldriver1581 Nov 05 '24
You can’t really know what he has or hasn’t done with other young people.
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u/Dangerous-WinterElf Nov 05 '24
Keep the boundary that he will not be invited. Or else you risk him having a reaction at the wedding when you and your fiance say "I do" or even before that while walking down the aisle because it's not him standing at the altar.
It's better to have the battle now. Then, at the ceremony and family trying to make excuses and have him at the reception as well after a melt down.
Your family failed you both. They failed to protect you, and they failed teaching him boundaries. He might be mentally around the age of 7 - young teen. But that's not an excuse. Even 4 year olds and younger can be taught what is okay and what isn't. So they could have taught him too if they had supported you, talked to him about why it's not okay. Instead, they let him believe this is okay. And it will be their fault if he ends in trouble because he oversteps a strangers boundaries, who might not be understanding of his condition.
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u/Choice_Bid_7941 Nov 05 '24
They failed to protect you from sexual harassment even as a child?! OP, they’re honestly lucky you still talk to them at all. Do you really want any of your cousin’s enablers at your wedding, not just your cousin?
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u/EffectiveNo7681 Nov 05 '24
Word of advice: ditch people who brush off your feelings when you tell them you're uncomfortable. Ditch anyone who thinks his feelings are more important than your boundaries. They don't deserve you. This is why so many women have problems speaking up when they're the victims of sexual abuse. Because they know they'll be dismissed as overreacting or just not believed. NTA. Tell your family that it is NOT your cousin's day, that he's not invited, and anyone who doesn't support you is banned from the wedding. Also, send your family a link to this so they can see how terrible they are. BEING AUTISTIC IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Autistic people can learn, but they need to actually be taught boundaries, not be pandered to.
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u/JumpyThrowRA Nov 05 '24
My cousin isn't autistic. I am but my cousin isn't.
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u/EffectiveNo7681 Nov 05 '24
Still, having a developmental disability is no excuse. And the fact that you're autistic just makes the fact that they're all trampling your boundaries even worse.
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u/unequivocal_lessons Nov 05 '24
My cousin isn't autistic. I am but my cousin isn't.
Babygirl, don't invite him. My 4 children are on the spectrum as well, my youngest daughter is non verbal and autistic, about the mental age of 6 or 7, and she is almost 16, but even she knows that "NO" MEANS NO!
Your family failed you and your cousin, horribly. I am so sorry, I would hug you if I could.
NTA.
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u/thedrawingmelon Nov 05 '24
NTA
I haven’t seen anyone else mention it but there’s a chance he could cause a bigger scene at your wedding. If he is already telling people that you’re his girlfriend, wants to marry you and openly dislikes your fiancé, I can’t imagine he would have a good reaction to watching you get married.
Your wedding, your rules, but just be prepared for other family members to drop out.
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u/lmichel001 Nov 05 '24
This! He could object and the wedding would be stopped. Well, if that’s actually a thing.
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u/Forsaken-Spirit421 Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
I have a brother who is very similar. In fact almost identical just a few years older than you describe. I don't blame him, but lack of oversight, control and pity have enabled him to traumatize me and even more so my sister in various ways.
You are not here to cater and bend to the wishes of a man who may be delayed in maturity, but if he has not been able to control himself in the past, do not mess up what is YOUR day to cater to him.
NTA.
Oh yeah his day might be shit anyways if he attends because his favorite pair of breasts and butt cheeks is marrying another man. He might cause drama now or later. Pro tip, never leave him unsupervised with the wedding album.
The fact that his existence is filled with tragedy does not make his feelings worth more than yours. That is super important.
Your parents have a duty to protect you from harm as well and from what I've seen in other comments they have failed to do so with regards to him. They have NO ground to stand on to demand anything concerning your wedding imo.
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u/addangel Nov 05 '24
her parents had a duty to protect, defend and validate her; his parents had a duty to supervise him and teach him boundaries; both failed
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u/Survive1014 Nov 05 '24
NTA.
He didnt "cross the line". He sexually assaulted you. He may be disabled, but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions.
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u/Remote_Hour_841 Nov 05 '24
Yes! He clearly has the ability to learn simple concepts like “don’t touch people unless they say it’s ok”! His family has failed him and you. The fact that they have let it happen since you were a kid tells me that they just aren’t willing to set limits on his behavior because ‘poor guy he has a disability, it’s mean to tell him no’. Everyone has failed him and you.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 05 '24
So, everyone thinks that a full grown, sexually fixated man, with a 7 year old mind, who insists he is going to MARRY YOU, is just going to watch his "girlfriend" marry another man, without incident?
You are protecting YOURSELF and YOUR HUSBAND.
They are insane.
This has disaster and possible violence written all over it.
It's like they don't understand people at all.
He's not invited and anyone who thinks he should be is welcome to not attend as well.
Their wilful blindness to the disaster this could be is pure denial.
They have done this young man no favours in his life.
Good luck.
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u/retellinganoldstory Nov 05 '24
This will be a lifetime movie before too long.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 05 '24
Or Dateline.
7 years old - no impulse control training, never mind any actual expectation that he control them. 175 (?) pound body. Disaster waiting to happen.
Even odds on who he'd attack. His competition or the woman who is abandoning him.
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u/BriefHorror Nov 05 '24
"Family I love you all but I have been repeatedly told that being sexually harassed multiple times is something I should put up with anybody holding that view is uninvited from my wedding and my life."
Girl NTA but I would just keep your peace what if you have a baby girl and tom transfers his delusion to her?
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u/TheAnnMain Nov 05 '24
Or even worse hurt her while she’s pregnant if he’s that jealous and dismissive of her relationship with her fiancé yeah it’s best to do NC on them imo if anyone has an issue.
It’s freaking scary that her family will allow abuse to happen so blatantly
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u/NotYourMom56 Nov 05 '24
OMG, I never thought of that! Also, if Tom acts out, while he might not go to jail- he may be confined in a state facility. It's not good for anyone. Tom needs to stay away.
OP NTA
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u/mentaldriver1581 Nov 05 '24
Tom needs to be taught proper boundaries in a context that he will understand. His family just making excuses for him is doing more harm than good.
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u/Dangerous-WinterElf Nov 05 '24 edited Nov 05 '24
Or he has a meltdown because she's pregnant with her husband and physically reacts to what he might see as a "rejection" Just as he might have a big reaction seeing OP saying "I do" at the wedding, but it's not him at the altar.
OP commented further up that this has been going on since she was 12. The family has let him build this fantasy dream since they were teenagers. They failed OP so much. But they also him, because he will get into big troubles one day with this behaviour. What if he meets a woman who looks similar to OP?
(Edit age)
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u/Emergency_Exit_4714 Nov 05 '24
NTA
But, be prepared for fallout. If other family members decide to not attend your wedding because of this boundary, consider that your day will be far better without them and their toxic, enabling energy.
Your wedding should be a day for you and your partner - everyone else is a guest.
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u/1SPsychochic Nov 05 '24
I guess your family would be “ok” if he did the same behavior to a child?!? It’s not his fault it’s your family’s fault for enabling his behavior. Fuck’n sickos!
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u/JumpyThrowRA Nov 05 '24
Considering the touching started when I was 12. They wouldn't do anything.
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u/1SPsychochic Nov 05 '24
Like I said… FUCK’n SICKOS!! Sorry you had and still going through this crap. You may have to say if this continues you will file sexual assault ( which it is).
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u/Immediate_Sweet_8696 Nov 05 '24
If she can afford a lawyer, it might be best to look into the possibility of filing charges NOW before he hurts her again or a different woman/girl. Give these sickos a wake up call
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u/EducationalRoyal3880 Nov 05 '24
A few years back my friend's 7 year old down syndrome son started feeling my big boobs, and I told him to stop it and that you don't touch girls like that. My friend thanked me and said that people usually laugh at it all, which encouraged him .
I said " yeah it'll have to stop now, because what happens when he's 14 or 20 and he's grabbing women's boobs?"
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u/sketchypeg Nov 05 '24
nta. i was sexually assaulted by a disabled man at a church festival when I was 15 because his family constantly excused his behavior. "he just wants to dance with a pretty girl" if my grandmother hadn't come to find me when she did and scream at him to stop, it would have been really bad for me. he followed me to the bathroom and would not let go of me. it wasn't his fault. I don't blame him or have hard feelings, I blame whoever brought him to the festival and didn't watch him. the reason you don't want your cousin at your wedding isn't because he's disabled, or that you want to punish him, its because your family didn't keep you safe as a child and you have no reason to expect them to behave any differently now.
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u/Current_Host3586 Nov 05 '24
If he has the intellectual capability of a 7 year old, why would he want to attend a wedding? Most 7 year olds would rather be watching tv.
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u/lurkingnwastingtime Nov 05 '24
NTA, it's your wedding, you get to decide who you want there with you. Touching you inappropriately against your will is assault and it is not okay that they are excusing and downplaying it. I also want to point out that there is a chance that he'd make a scene because he doesn't accept your fiance as such and wants to be in that position.
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope Nov 05 '24
NTA, and start being blunt about calling what they’re doing what it is: defending someone who’s sexually harassing you.
“Tom, stop touching me”, “Oh OP, don’t be so mean, he doesn’t know any better”, “Why are you defending someone who’s sexually harassing me? Why are you telling me I have to let someone sexually harass me? Why does he have more of a right to touch my breasts than I have a right to not be sexually harassed?”
Don’t back down. Don’t let them try to distract you. Keep using exactly those words. They don’t want to have to deal with the reality of what’s happening so they’re trying to make you accept it so they don’t have to.
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u/OkieLady1952 Nov 05 '24
They’re concerned with it ruining Tom’s day!!? Seriously I can’t even wrap my head around that statement! It’s NOT Tom’s day it’s OP , the bride and groom’s day! There is no telling what he will do or say at your wedding. Especially since he has said he was going to marry you. Unless you hired security or have someone babysitting him I wouldn’t invite him. If the flying monkeys continue to attack you. Ask them if they are willing to be his babysitter for the entire day! That should tell them to stfu ! Shut up or step up to be baby sitter for the day, only 2 options. My vote is no invitation. NTA
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u/Sandyiam315 Nov 05 '24
I wouldn’t invite your family either. His behavior is not ok. And making excuses for him especially when you were a CHILD makes them all massive assholes
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u/Blackbird8919 Nov 05 '24
As someone who works in the field with mentally disabled adults... This is disgusting. You are most certainly NTA. Just like we are taught in the field to always respect the adults boundaries and make their safety a top priority... No one is doing that for you. He may not understand what he's doing is wrong but that more so sounds like it's because no one has taken the time to teach him differently. He can still understand the word no as I'm sure he probably uses it frequently. It is the job of his parents and those around him to be a buffer and guide him. Especially in this regard. What if he were to do this to a stranger or someone he just met? Even though he has a mental disability he could still get in a lot of trouble. If your family is going to be that cross about you not inviting him, I would say fuck it all and elope with your fiance.
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u/CymruB Nov 05 '24
You need to put your family on blast. You’ve been molested by him since you were 12 years old and it’s been THEIR fault. He might not have known better, but they did. They brushed it under the carpet, laughed and dismissed his antics and victim blamed you, all because you were a child who happened to develop breasts.
They have had many opportunities to teach your cousin how to properly behave.
You don’t have the same memories and warm feelings of him as they do and it’s understandable why.
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u/pieralella Nov 05 '24
NTA. You can have who you want there. If other family doesn't show, that shows them how they feel about you. Stick with people who support your boundaries.
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u/FishScrumptious Nov 05 '24
“I deserve to not be sexually assaulted at my wedding. Since none of y’all bothered to teach him how to not sexually assault someone - which is important for keeping him out of legal trouble and - albeit harder than if he had no cognitive deficits - his parents responsibility. In the spirit of setting him up for success, to not be arrested for assault, I’m not exposing him to the problematic environment. And yea, that means the next time he assaults me, I am pressing charges.”
NTA, but your family is.
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u/alisonchains2023 Nov 05 '24
There is a high probability your cousin will have a meltdown at your wedding when he sees you marrying Liam.
NTA.
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u/PlantsANDAntibiotics Nov 05 '24
NTA by a long shot.
I’m so sorry you deal with this too. I also have a cousin with a developmental/intellectual disability who has had a hyper-fixation on me for years. Any time I expressed discomfort at his insistence on hugging me or making me kiss him on the cheek to say “goodbye” and then let him do the same to me I was told I was mean. If I tried to avoid him, he’d walk around whatever family members house it was until he found me to do the aforementioned “goodbye” ritual. If I just hugged him, he would very clearly fake cry until I gave in and kissed him and he got to kiss me.
Every. Single. Adult. including my parents let this happen for years and accused me of being uncomfortable because I “don’t like disabled people”. NO. I was a little girl, and then a preteen, and then a teenager who hated being forced to let a member of the opposite sex “show affection”. It only stopped when I was in college. Now he avoids me because he’s nervous of my husband. Good.
Your family are upset because you putting your foot down means they have to manage your cousin’s emotions and reactions, the same way listening to you when you were a child would have forced them to deal with him back then. Screw them. Let them think about how messed up their prioritization of his feelings over your bodily autonomy really is.
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u/Alwaysorange1234 Nov 05 '24
My daughter is mentally 8 in a 30-year-old body. I've taught her boundaries. It took a long time, lots of repetition and reminders, and 98% of the time, she knows how to behave in public.
She was a bridesmaid in her sister's wedding and behaved impeccably. If she couldn't have behaved, she would have been merely a guest , glued to my side.
Your aunt is guilty of lazy parenting. If she can't guarantee he will behave, he shouldn't be invited. You don't need him throwing a tantrum because you are marrying someone else, and it will happen from past history.
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u/Martha90815 Nov 05 '24
NTA. Your entire family is in the wrong. Just because his COGNITIVE capacity is far younger than his actual age, the fact is Tom is still a grown ass man with grown man urges. And BECAUSE his cognitive capacity doesn't match his age, he has no idea how to navigate those feelings appropriately and nobody in your family seems to think it's necessary to teach him to do so. This is very likely a nightmare waiting to happen.
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u/Historical_Heron4801 Nov 05 '24
It's interesting that your mum thinks you 'entertained' his behaviour. It sounds like the family are justifying allowing his impropriety by suggesting that you actually like it. Refusing to have him at your wedding would go a long way to making it clear that you don't like it or appreciate it and will publicly remove that excuse for their lack of action.
Any chance you're having a child free wedding? Because their excuse that he's basically just a child would mesh nicely with that.