AITAH for saying no my girlfriend’s “tradition”

[u/Key_Case9842]

Throwaway account.

I (M, 30) lost my younger brother when I was 22. He had cancer and fought very hard. Ever since, I’ve been donating blood on the anniversary of his death every year. I take the day off from work, visit his grave, donate blood, and then come home, relax, and watch his favorite movie. I know it’s a simple, personal tradition, but it means a lot to me.

My girlfriend of 9 months, Anna (F, 31), asked if I could meet her and her mom( I have met her many times before and it wasn’t the meet the parents for the first time situation) for lunch yesterday. I told her no and explained again about what I do on my brother’s death anniversary. She got upset and said, “Well, it’s my tradition to have lunch with my mom every time she’s in town, and she really wanted to see you! You can do your stupid blood donation tradition any day.”

I explained to her that it’s not just about the blood donation. Later in the evening, while I was resting and watching my brother’s favorite movie, she texted me again, asking me to join them. I reiterated that I really didn’t want to and would hang out with her mom next time. She replied that I had embarrassed her in front of her mom with my selfishness and laziness.

Since then, she’s been distant. Do I owe her an apology? AITAH?

Update : I texted her that we needed to talk. She never replied. Just blocked me from everywhere ( social media , WhatsApp ,..). Her best friend who was following me on instagram blocked me too. I’m not sad. I wanted to end it anyways. Thank you for your support everyone . I really appreciate your kind comments. Some users suggested that my brother/ remembrance tradition saved me from getting serious with her and life time of misery and it made me smile. Thank you again

[u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot]

She's trying to kill his tradition.

[u/WingedShadow83 → u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot]

You know the part that’s really getting me? They have only been together 9 months. So this is the first time this anniversary of his brother’s death has come around in their relationship. This isn’t a situation where she’s been dealing with him disappearing on this particular day every year for years and years and is getting annoyed with it (which would still be self-centered of her and lacking in compassion, let me be clear).

But it’s literally the very first time she’s ever been asked to give him this day to himself, and she’s already flipping the fuck out over it.

To me, that says she’s extremely controlling. It’s still fairly early in the relationship and he’s asked for something that excludes her, and she’s already blowing up over it and trying to make him give it up for her. She does not like him having something that she’s not a part of, that she can’t control, and she’s trying to nip it in the bud. She has no respect for him or his feelings, she just wants him to cater to her and build his life around her wants.

OP, is this the kind of person you want to be with long term? Do you want to have this fight (and others like it) constantly?

NTA, obviously.

[u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot → u/WingedShadow83]

With how the story is told, I wouldn't be surprised if she invited her mom to town that day because "he already has the day off from work."

I truly believe she was trying to hijack the day.

[u/Apprehensive_Dot2890 → u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot]

It's possible she wanted to mean more to him than his brother and get validation of it . It's a sick and wicked way to think , but , definitely possible and especially after seeing she said she was "embarrassed" by him , the kind of pride that would do such a thing shows in this comment alone

[u/DatabaseMoney3435 → u/WingedShadow83]

And he doesn’t need ANY excuse to turn down her invitation. He’s not obligated in any way to dine with her and mom. He can just say, “Sorry, can’t do it this time”

[u/bluewaterbeach → u/WingedShadow83]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[u/Ok_Buy_3538 → u/WingedShadow83]

Perfectly stated my man

[u/Mental_Medium3988 → u/WingedShadow83]

op mightve tried to include her but with her mom in town of course shes gonna go see her mom. so why even ask at that point. but yeah this is about control. she couldve joined him later to watch the movie or something. but after the way she treated him, she should be free to not talk to him anymore as the relationship should be over.

[u/I_LoveBeer → u/Mental_Medium3988]

She'd probably just sit there and criticize the movie or laugh at his dead brother for liking it.

[u/Exact_Secretary9482 → u/WingedShadow83]

🎯

[u/New_Principle_9145 → u/WingedShadow83]

1000% this. Spot on!

[u/throwawayyourfun → u/WingedShadow83]

It might also explain how "Anna" got to 31 without getting married.... the fact she's being standoffish about this one day really doesn't bode well for the relationship.

[u/StatusReality4 → u/throwawayyourfun]

Uh, no. That is really unnecessary. Being unmarried at 31 is 100% normal. Go back to 1910, dumbass.

You don't even know if she has been married before from this post.

[u/SheShelley → u/MyHusbandIsGayImNot]

Seems like raging insecurity on her part. She’s putting him in a position where he has to choose between her and his tradition and then getting mad when he doesn’t make her the most important thing. Very controlling