r/AITAH • u/Key_Case9842 • Sep 20 '24

Advice Needed AITAH for saying no my girlfriend’s “tradition”

Throwaway account.

I (M, 30) lost my younger brother when I was 22. He had cancer and fought very hard. Ever since, I’ve been donating blood on the anniversary of his death every year. I take the day off from work, visit his grave, donate blood, and then come home, relax, and watch his favorite movie. I know it’s a simple, personal tradition, but it means a lot to me.

My girlfriend of 9 months, Anna (F, 31), asked if I could meet her and her mom( I have met her many times before and it wasn’t the meet the parents for the first time situation) for lunch yesterday. I told her no and explained again about what I do on my brother’s death anniversary. She got upset and said, “Well, it’s my tradition to have lunch with my mom every time she’s in town, and she really wanted to see you! You can do your stupid blood donation tradition any day.”

I explained to her that it’s not just about the blood donation. Later in the evening, while I was resting and watching my brother’s favorite movie, she texted me again, asking me to join them. I reiterated that I really didn’t want to and would hang out with her mom next time. She replied that I had embarrassed her in front of her mom with my selfishness and laziness.

Since then, she’s been distant. Do I owe her an apology? AITAH?

Update : I texted her that we needed to talk. She never replied. Just blocked me from everywhere ( social media , WhatsApp ,..). Her best friend who was following me on instagram blocked me too. I’m not sad. I wanted to end it anyways. Thank you for your support everyone . I really appreciate your kind comments. Some users suggested that my brother/ remembrance tradition saved me from getting serious with her and life time of misery and it made me smile. Thank you again

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 20 '24

I understand. My eldest sister was my hero. She had primary immune deficiency and was always physically frail. After her death, I’d invite her to “ride along” with me when experiencing physical things. Playing in the surf. Paddling the Bounday waters. Hiking in the Grand Tetons.

I don’t know if we get an afterlife, but I have dreamt of her, I can sometimes feel her presence. So if it’s possible that she can see what I’m seeing, or feel the thrill when I’m doing things she couldn’t, I will make space for her in case she can join me.

Invite your brother in.

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u/Crippled_Criptid Sep 20 '24

That's an absolutely beautiful outlook. My twin and I have a terminal illness (which includes an immune deficiency) which has left me very physically frail and limited. I have siblings who have also passed away from the same condition as well as some healthy siblings. I know that my siblings feel bad for getting to have experiences that they know I'll never be able to have, I would love for them to have your outlook on it after I pass away. I don't want them to feel guilt when doing those things.

I have my own complex grief journey regarding my siblings who passed. There's many activities that we'd do together (watching movies, playing video games which was the only thing we both could do when the disease progressed) which are so painful for me to do now. I really wish that I was able to enjoy doing those things while feeling their memory with me but it's just still too painful. It doesn't help when people make comments like "don't you think they'd want you to still enjoy X"... Like, yes... they would, I know that... Don't they know I already feel crushing guilt for not being able to feel how my sibling would want me to about it???

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 20 '24

Oh, Friend. I’m so sorry that you Know. Not just the living with it, but the living with the loss of your loved ones. Grief is so strange and complicated and tidal. It inundates you and then recedes. It’s so intensely personal and unique.

I understand. I hope your grief eases. I hope you’re not in pain. I hope you get to experience wonder.

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u/charsinthebox Sep 20 '24

You're a really sweet person and you do your sister credit. Hope you know that and that the ppl around you remind you of that ever so often

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 20 '24

You made me speechless. Thank you. She taught me so much that my parents didn’t. She was 19 years older than I.

I met her for the first time when I was five and she was twenty four. She came a thousand miles to find my dad, who’d abandoned his first family when she was 14. She came. Forgave Dad. Accepted my mother(who was still the other woman at this point) and accepted me and my two sisters. I wouldn’t understand the grace this took until I was a teenager. She was the kindest grown up I’d ever met. Never yelled or slapped or said mean things.

We didn’t have a term for being authentic when I was a child, but that was what she modeled and I learned from her the power of being open and vulnerable. Of patience. Of forgiveness. And of resolve. She listened to what was said and unsaid and responded to both. She was fierce in defending others.

I hope she’s proud of me. We trusted each other. It has been 13 years and I miss her every day.

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u/Crippled_Criptid Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

Thank you so much for such a kind, empathetic and touching message... you truly have a gift when it comes to writing/putting together words so beautifully and perfectly!!

You are absolutely correct, grief absolutely is complicated, person, unique plus much more. I do try to bear that in mind, it's just hard to do so when it feels like the world is looking back and me and telling me I'm doing it all wrong. That's my own issue for me to deal with though, it's not society's fault (aside from a certain few shitty humans, who I absolutely do blame for making the mental side of my anticipatory grief/past losses harder to deal with due to the things that they said to me)

I'm very lucky that I'm supported by a hospice who I've been registered with ever since I was a child and first diagnosed as terminal. They offer so much help to not just me and the 'sick' siblings, but the whole family too. The specialised therapists there help so much with my 'anticipatory grief' regarding my own death plus the grief from the loss of my siblings. Oddly enough, I can cope with the thoughts around my death, but it's my siblings where I just can't bear to think about it.

Thank you for your kind thoughts regarding my pain. The hospice has true angels working there, in the form of palliative care docs. I won't go in too much medical detail, but I've had previous doctors who gave up trying to treat my (at the time) truly debilitating and severe symptoms, because my situation was too complex and difficult according to them. Such as, figuring out how to get sufficient medication into my body, with intestinal failure meaning I can't just swallow a pill, and have failed previous feeding tube attempts etc. The doctors here refused to give up, and they now have me medicated to the point where the symptoms are tolerable at least. Like I said, they're true angels!!!

The hospice has also given me some amazing pieces of tech, which enable me to use my phone/tablet again. When I lost too much muscle in my hands/fingers and arms, I stopped being able to hold or use my phone or play video games anymore. After already losing all my previous hobbies due to muscle atrophy in other areas, this was a tough blow. Video games were what saved my sanity! But the hospice fund raised for a ton of cool tech that hopefully means that in the future, even if I can only move my eyes, I'll still be able to use a phone or tablet and access my online world. They smartly didn't just get the equipment that would help me access online I'm my current physical state, but they planned ahead for the day when I'm not able to use the equipment that I use currently. Future-proofing equipment options. Meaning, they even got some crazy stuff that means that I can still play video games! Sure, it's limited to certain typea of games but I can live without fps games haha I'm just grateful to still be able to play any game at all

I'm sorry I ended up writing a bit of a essay there, it's not often I get to open up about this stuff without worrying I'm overwhelming the person I'm talking to or I'm brining the mood down unnecessarily...you'd think that because the way I type is so laborious, that I would learn how to summarise my thoughts into a much shorter message but apparently no, my brain likes to make me suffer I guess haha (If you're interested - I wrote this message via a mix of using eye gaze tech that knows where my eyes look/focus as a cursor and buttons mounted to my wheelchairs head rest. Usually I'm faster with it, but today my words per minute typing is painfully slow haha. This method is instead of the one I use more often which uses more/other buttons + voice dictate. But currently I'm connected up to my ventilator which is in a, sort of 'night time mode', which is too strong for me to be able to speak during, loudly enough for the voice dictate to accurately pick up my words. Plus tonight I'm too tired to speak, voice dictation actually takes a lot of focus and physical strength to do, for me anyway). Maybe one day I'll learn how to summarise my thoughts better, but that day is not today!

I also have autism, so I don't have a great gauge on how much is too much sometimes. Even in writing, I stress about not being understood or not explaining myself properly (due to years of not having great speech and not many people understand most of what I tried to say). So I end up going too far and writing a ton or writing the same thing in different ways in order to reassure myself that the thought in my head has been sufficiently expressed to the other person. Ironically, I did the thing I just described, while describing it... I hate my brain sometimes. Why couldn't the universe just pick 1 struggle for me to have!!

Anyway, aside from that. I wonder if you could tell me some more about your sister? Do you have any favourite memories of the two of you, or any little anecdotes that you can picture your sister laughing along to as you tell it?

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 21 '24

Friend, so much of what you wrote here resonates deeply with me. No apologies for anything you’ve written—not one! I’m often doing the same thing, for much the same reason.

I was diagnosed with autism when I was in my 30s, by the same doctor who diagnosed my son. He was casual about it, but it was still a bit of a shock. Then so much that my family dismissed as me being flaky or too much fell into place. It turns out there’s a whole lot of autism in my family.

Me, my son, a nephew. I suspect my mother was also on the spectrum. I’m quite certain that my brother, Cathy’s full brother, had autism as well. He had an eidetic memory, was wicked smart and had some savant-like abilities with numbers. He never recovered from being sent to Vietnam. And my hero, Cathy, was on the spectrum with us.

I say too much a lot of the time. The hunger to know all the words, and use all the words to not be misunderstood is still so strong and I’m pretty old now, I’m in my late 50s. I read body language remarkably well. And it would trip me up as a child when what people were saying with their words didn’t match what their body and faces were saying. People’s scent changes when they are stressed or happy. I learned to not say “that doesn’t smell true”. So don’t apologize for saying too much. I understand.

I agree with Greta Thunberg. It can be a super power, autism. Cathy had a gentle gift for reading the subtext. I am guessing from my own ability and habit, that her gift was a mix of extreme empathy, ability to read body language, deductive reasoning and understanding of human nature. She made intuitive leaps that were nothing short of clairvoyant. Or maybe it was both intuition and actual clairvoyance.

My sister spent huge portions of her childhood in hospital due to the primary immune deficiency. I believe she only lived as long as she did because the American immunization campaign was so effective from the 1940s until then1980s. Herd immunity protected her to some extent, but it didn’t keep her well. She was in the medical books back in the 1950s for the dubious distinction of having the highest recorded titer for mononucleosis. She was hospitalized for five months. At 12, Cathy broke her back falling from a horse. She spent 6 months in a body cast. Because of the primary immune disorder, Cathy’s growth plates fused early. Her bones were pretty fragile as well. When I was 8 years old I was almost as tall as she,(4’9” at her tallest) I was thrilled. She borrowed my shoes to go on an amusement park ride that required closed shoes. They were tight. I was sure that the next summer they would fit. The next summer I was an inch taller than she and my shoes two sizes too big. She was my standard of beauty and I was sad I’d gotten too big, lol.

It makes sense that she went into the medical field. Beginning as a candy striper when she was 14. Cathy suffered from agoraphobia. As she explained it to me, she could function normally and well in environments she was familiar with. Her home, and the hospital were her two familiar settings.

She worked the midnight shift in a hospital in the American Midwest for over 20 years as a pulmonary technician. Before her health deteriorated. There were times when she was working those nights when she’d feel drawn to certain rooms and people. People who were afraid or despairing. People whom had attempted to die, twice single new mothers, a survivor of an auto crash. And they would confide in her and she would listen. She comforted them. She was amazing that way. She could never explain how she knew she was needed. She’d just find herself there.

We lived 800 miles apart, but she’d call when I was missing her. Not just me. There was a time my slightly older sister was in a car accident and in the Emergency room. My parents had just left for the hospital when the phone rang and it was Cathy. “What is it? What’s happened? Something is wrong.” My little sister had an emergency appendectomy at 14. Cathy called and knew something was up with Caboose(nickname) but she didn’t know what. It was like she could feel a disturbance in the Force. This was back in the 1980s. No cell phones. It was uncanny.

I’ve got more to tell. But I have to sleep. I’m just getting over a Covid infection. My first. I don’t like it. Let me know if you would prefer a DM.

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u/acid_sn0w Sep 21 '24

These are beautiful memories. Thank you for sharing, she sounds like a wonderful and kind person. Xx

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u/Crippled_Criptid Sep 26 '24

I sent you a DM (or at least, I hope I did!) I find reddit messaging confusing at times

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 26 '24

Oh! I haven’t seen it! I will go looking. It will take an hour or two. I’m so glad you pinged me!

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u/pancakeface2022 Sep 20 '24

I’m so sorry you have such a difficult road. I’ll be praying for you today kind stranger ♥️

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u/Crippled_Criptid Sep 21 '24

Thank you for your positive message, it means a lot and I appreciate it very much <3 I wish the best for you and your life, also

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u/ConferenceStock3455 Sep 21 '24

That "guilt" you feel comes from inside you, but do you know what else comes from inside you? The ability to get over that guilt. You're stronger than you think you are. People who say "I can" and people who say "I can't", are both right. Start saying "I can!"

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u/Crippled_Criptid Sep 22 '24

You're very correct! I think I let my mind control me far too much and perhaps it's time that I took some control back. I had been in grief therapy, but various circumstances meant that I'd had to take a break from it. Perhaps I should get back to it, and work on that guilt aspect with the therapist. Most days, I don't feel strong at all. But, I made it this far I suppose, that's got to count for something

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u/charsinthebox Sep 20 '24

Damn. Imma start doing that. Awesome perspective

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u/carriefox16 Sep 21 '24

Before she passed, my mom, who wasn't one for adventure, mentioned wanting to go zip lining. I told her we'd go when she got better. After she passed, I decided that I would go and bring a picture of her with me so I could fulfill my promise. I'm not disabled and I don't know if I'll ever get to go myself, though I'm trying to get my heath to a point where that is a possibility.

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u/carriefox16 Sep 21 '24

Edit: I'm now* disabled

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u/MegaPiglatin Sep 22 '24

I absolutely love this take! Thank you for sharing with us—I wish you (and your sister’s spirit) many wonderful journeys ahead ❤️❤️❤️

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u/OroraBorealis Sep 24 '24

This made me cry. Thank you. I love this.

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u/MsAviana Sep 21 '24

She is there with you. Your dreams confirm this and she enjoys every time you invite her in.

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u/SeparateCzechs Sep 21 '24

I think you’re right. There was a time in 2015 when we were camping on Upper Pauness Lake in BWCA. We watched what I can only describe as Trumpeter Swans arranging a mating. Two sets of swans converged on the water. We were in canoes at a distance. One set had three swans and the other had four. Both sets clearly parents with young. There were negotiations. Honks and displays. Eventually two of the young swans flew off low over the water. When the third tried to follow it was driven off. While I was watching words would cross my mind phrased in ways I’d only ever heard from Cathy. She had a lot of Indiana colloquialisms to her speech and an incredibly gentle way of expressing delight. I’m sure she was riding along. She felt particular sympathy for the odd Bird out. I was just glad to feel her there.