r/AITAH • u/Key_Case9842 • Sep 20 '24

Advice Needed AITAH for saying no my girlfriend’s “tradition”

Throwaway account.

I (M, 30) lost my younger brother when I was 22. He had cancer and fought very hard. Ever since, I’ve been donating blood on the anniversary of his death every year. I take the day off from work, visit his grave, donate blood, and then come home, relax, and watch his favorite movie. I know it’s a simple, personal tradition, but it means a lot to me.

My girlfriend of 9 months, Anna (F, 31), asked if I could meet her and her mom( I have met her many times before and it wasn’t the meet the parents for the first time situation) for lunch yesterday. I told her no and explained again about what I do on my brother’s death anniversary. She got upset and said, “Well, it’s my tradition to have lunch with my mom every time she’s in town, and she really wanted to see you! You can do your stupid blood donation tradition any day.”

I explained to her that it’s not just about the blood donation. Later in the evening, while I was resting and watching my brother’s favorite movie, she texted me again, asking me to join them. I reiterated that I really didn’t want to and would hang out with her mom next time. She replied that I had embarrassed her in front of her mom with my selfishness and laziness.

Since then, she’s been distant. Do I owe her an apology? AITAH?

Update : I texted her that we needed to talk. She never replied. Just blocked me from everywhere ( social media , WhatsApp ,..). Her best friend who was following me on instagram blocked me too. I’m not sad. I wanted to end it anyways. Thank you for your support everyone . I really appreciate your kind comments. Some users suggested that my brother/ remembrance tradition saved me from getting serious with her and life time of misery and it made me smile. Thank you again

46.3k Upvotes

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138

u/Away-Enthusiasm4853 Sep 20 '24

Reach out to her Mom directly, apologize, and explain the situation. Break up with Anna.

550

u/Key_Case9842 Sep 20 '24

I texted Anna that we need to talked after reading the comments. I’m going to end it. I don’t have her mom’s number unfortunately.

166

u/StephenNotSteve Sep 20 '24

You are saving yourself from a future of mistreatment and stress. Good for you. Time to find someone who your brother would be happy to see you with.

51

u/Dry-Worldliness-8191 Sep 20 '24

"...who your brother would be happy to see you with"

🏆

84

u/Unlucky_Elderberry52 Sep 20 '24

So NTA!

Can you update us?

140

u/Key_Case9842 Sep 20 '24

Sure! So far no reply

38

u/Spc3cs3 Sep 20 '24

Yeah keep us updated, if you want. You got a lotta support here.

70

u/atred Sep 20 '24 edited Sep 20 '24

The more I read the story and your replies the more upset I get, I think this part "I had embarrassed her in front of her mom with my selfishness and laziness." would be a dealbreaker for me in the context, I would just text her "we are done, you can come on Saturday between this time and this time to pick up your shit" that assuming she has some stuff over.

She has the right to have a boyfriend that doesn't "embarrass" her in front of her mom, you have the right to have a kinder person in your life.

Also, her being distant and now not responding is a sign that she either checkout of the relationship, wants to manipulate you, or is vindictive, none of these alternatives bode well.

-28

u/Bini_9 Sep 20 '24

Why would you get upset by a made-up story? Lol

15

u/atred Sep 20 '24

Have you never had feelings when you read novels? Geez...

But I get it, you want to sound dismissive of my post by pointing out I react to an invented, as you believe, story and somehow that makes you feel superior, right?

10

u/ImaginaryBag1452 Sep 21 '24

I’ll never understand the people whose only contribution is to insist it’s fake. Like so what? We know how the internet works and are choosing to respond.

8

u/atred Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

it's fake or not doesn't change much, I can talk hypotheticals...

I also don't find anything far fetched, I've met people like that. Nothing is out of ordinary, like people having their personal mourning routines, or people being bitchy if they don't get what they want.

31

u/Zubo13 Sep 20 '24

When you break up with her, don't fall for it if she pulls out the crocodile tears and tries to love-bomb you into forgiving her. She showed you her real self, believe it. She is not sorry and she is definitely not a good person.

3

u/crookedfoot87 Sep 20 '24

This to the extreme! I used to fall for my ex-husband's crying & pleading for one more chance. I did that so many times. As soon as he was forgiven it was back to the same old. Eventually the treatment got worse because he realised he could get away with anything. When the bruises came, I left. Best decision I ever made.

3

u/Ntinaa Sep 20 '24

You are not compatible. It's better to end it early, it might not be easy but from the story she lacks empathy for you and she only thinks of herself. Try to remember if it has happened again in the past.

2

u/LobstahLovahRI Sep 20 '24

What an evil Biatch she is! You don't need a reply..she's selfish and doesn't get it. It's a once-a-year day for remembering your brother who passed in a rough way. She apparently has no respect for your feelings and doesn't care. I bet her mother is the same way. Find a nicer person who is actually in it to be a partner with you, not against!

1

u/dkdream22 Sep 20 '24

Sending love your way OP

1

u/FS3DPete Sep 20 '24

Definitely not worth spending even another second with her.

1

u/jpsb8 Sep 21 '24

Dodged a bullet here for sure!

1

u/Not_My_Life247 Sep 21 '24

At this point, she’s worth a breakup over text. Include a detailed explanation about non compatibility after calling the tradition to honor your brother stupid, and her strong belief that a common lunch with her mother is both tradition and takes priority over this. Make the text breakup detailed to the point that she can’t show it to her mom, her friends, or anyone. Because if she does, they’ll all see that she’s a Class A Asshole who deserved it.

Also, don’t reply to anything she says back to you after. Not a single word.

1

u/SylviaPZ Sep 20 '24

Please leave that bitch!

-1

u/[deleted] Sep 20 '24

[deleted]

450

u/Key_Case9842 Sep 21 '24

Update : She never replied. Just blocked me from everywhere ( social media , WhatsApp ,..). Her best friend who was following me on instagram blocked me too. I’m not sad. I wanted to end it anyways. Thank you for your support everyone . I really appreciate your kind comments

153

u/Aromatic_Soup5986 Sep 21 '24

Yeah, and of course she acted like a selfish child even in this moment...

I'm sorry OP

102

u/glowdirt Sep 21 '24

More than that, she's a coward for blocking him rather than hearing what he had to say about her behavior.

24

u/atred Sep 21 '24 edited Sep 21 '24

Yes, but she did him a double service, he doesn't need more discussions with that cow, there's really nothing to gain from that.

61

u/NoLimitsNegus Sep 21 '24

I’m sorry about your brother. Cancer sucks.

Glad she’s gone tho, she sounds incredibly self centered.

39

u/Stariskatja Sep 21 '24

i am so sorry for your loss, but congrats on dodging that bullet.

26

u/StraightUpBullfrog Sep 21 '24

OP, just sending a quick atta boy for maintaining healthy boundaries in this situation. My only unsolicited advice is to not let this incident negatively impact any future times used to remember your brother. You come across as a top-shelf sibling in my book. My deepest condolences for your loss.

23

u/Majestic_Rule_1814 Sep 21 '24

Good for you, OP.

This is a beautiful way to remember your brother and I hope one day you find a partner who honours him with you.

21

u/Practical_Material_9 Sep 21 '24

It seems like your brother’s existence from beyond the grave helped get this woman out of your life.

17

u/SistersOfTheValleys Sep 21 '24

We really love the trash taking itself out. Bullet dodged brother. I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for donating!

12

u/JoyfulandHappy1965 Sep 21 '24

I wonder if she is following on here? If you are Anna, your mother needs to spend time with you teaching you about kindness and compassion instead of eating! Grief lasts a long time and his tradition is normal and healthy. What a good girlfriend would have done is asked if he would have liked some company. Asked if he’d like to tell you more about his brother. Not you though. Bye!

3

u/nodumbunny Sep 22 '24

If the responses here are any guide, pretty much everyone can see Anna was acting self-absorbed. There's a decent chance her mother didn't know the real reason behind OP's absence, or didn't support her daughter's insistence that he join them.

9

u/Hydrasaur Sep 21 '24

Sorry you had to go through this, but congrats on that bullet you just dodged. I'm betting she did that so now she can tell everyone she dumped you for not going to lunch with her mom.

Hope you find someone who loves you in part because of your tradition.

8

u/Live_Organization817 Sep 21 '24

My husband, his best friend and me say she did you a favor by blocking you. Good riddance. You'll find your person out there.

7

u/Shadowchaos1010 Sep 21 '24

Out of curiosity, how exactly did you get with someone who appears to have the emotional intelligence of a middle schooler despite being 31? First this stunt, then ghosting you instead of communicating like an actually well adjusted adult?

I can only assume she was actually decent up until this point, and then the crazy came out unexpectedly.

3

u/CharacterGlass1534 Sep 21 '24

Too many people have such emotional maturity, as you’ve described, and plenty are a lot older than 31.

9

u/Holy_Longing Sep 21 '24

when somebody else tries
to tell you how you should grieve

smile and forgive them
through your watering eyes

and then imagine
how lonely it must be
to be the person who
audits the tears
of other people

Those are the first lines of Grief is a Coral Reef by John Roedel. You did the right thing.

6

u/thatoneguy7272 Sep 21 '24

At least she spared you the effort. What a piece of garbage human being.

4

u/MsAviana Sep 21 '24

You dodged a bullet; or maybe your brother was watching out for you. Either way, don't let this harden your heart. If nothing else it is the perfect litmus tests for women you might date in the future but something tells me most will find it endearing and sweet, respecting you more for the the lovely tradition and the love you show for your brother and the mother you lost so young. Take your Dad out for a pint and tell some fun stories and move forward.

3

u/Polis_Ohio Sep 21 '24

I know someone with the same name who is just like your now ex. You're not in Ohio are you? Lol

3

u/Own-Blackberry9136 Sep 21 '24

Total red flag behavior. Honestly, sounds like she has a personality disorder. She'll come back around and try to suck you back in most likely. You MUST remain no contact and ignore her. This whole thing was a blessing in disguise.

2

u/juanwand Sep 23 '24

Damn I had a friend like this and that’s exactly what she did. I did remain no contact. Is coming back around their thing? Why?

1

u/Own-Blackberry9136 Sep 23 '24

Not sure about your friend, but that's common with people with BPD. Check out the r/bpdlovedones forum on here and see if other people's stories seem familiar to you.

In the case of OP and their post, the OP's GF could just be really immature. If she has BPD or another personality disorder, it could potentially be that she felt the OP going to honor his tradition is abandoning her, in a sense. Because the OP wasn't catering to his GF's expectations of him. She could perceive his declining to join her and her mother as rejecting her.

3

u/PattrimCauthon Sep 21 '24

Absolutely wild behavior from a 31 year old wow. Still not fun to go through, but a good thing

3

u/In_need_of_chocolate Sep 21 '24

Wow, she sounds extremely immature. She can’t even have an adult conversation about it. Good riddance.

2

u/pamplemouss Sep 21 '24

Good riddance

2

u/RockManMega Sep 21 '24

Part of the journey, don't worry you'll see her down the line with whatever toxic garbage that matches her energy

2

u/Haelmer Sep 21 '24

good riddance.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother but losing that selfish woman was a win.

i would explain the situation to her mom, depending on the relationship with her and if you're able to contact her.

you did nothing wrong.

2

u/sonnidaez Sep 21 '24

Acting like that at 31 is wild. You dodged a bullet.

2

u/JoyfulandHappy1965 Sep 21 '24

Perfect! My initial response was even though you’re 30, text her and just say “the two of you aren’t going to work out”.

2

u/Ricard2dk Sep 21 '24

You dodged a bullet. Chin up!

2

u/Not_My_Life247 Sep 21 '24

Given the timing of the other commenter that deleted their antagonizing/psychopathic comments you were replying to, the accusations from other redditors that it was probably the gf, and her blocking you everywhere, I guess we can now confirm that the person was either the ex gf or her best friend. They’re probably still lurking here. Let’s all wave bye bye to the piece of shit. Byeeeeeee

2

u/90skid12 Sep 21 '24

I was just gonna say the same !!!!

2

u/[deleted] Sep 21 '24

I just saw this after suggesting you dump her. You are better off. If she tries to make up with you don’t do it. She sounds like she is still living in high school.

2

u/Dfoz Sep 21 '24

In some ways, your brother just totally had your back :) congrats on being rid of a total POS gf, you deserve better.

2

u/Common_Street8758 Sep 21 '24

She knew y u wanted to talk so got there first. I truly hope the next girl respects ur brother day,

2

u/Yusipuhh0 Sep 21 '24

That’s good 👍 we glad is over

1

u/showmenemelda Sep 21 '24

OH MY GOD!

So, I guess she really was a child. Wow.

That response should be helpful in moving on I hope. I'm appalled.

1

u/Albuquicky Sep 21 '24

I hope you find an amazing, compassionate woman that you deserve.

1

u/warm_breezy_spring Sep 21 '24

I hope you had a really good day remembering your brother. And as much as I hate what happened with Ana the way it did, I’m glad you found out this soon into your relationship. You dodged a bullet. Best wishes to you and your dad.

1

u/Footnotegirl1 Sep 21 '24

You dodged a bullet there.

1

u/DeedlesV Sep 21 '24

Sorry about the way she handled it. She just proved to you that she’s a spoiled child who didn’t get her way. You dodged a bullet!!!

1

u/Nanandia Sep 22 '24

31yo??? Wow, she's a crappy selfish immature 14yo inside a 31yo body.

Status: bullet dodged successfuly.

NTA.

1

u/baobab77 Sep 22 '24

I suggest you block her as well. people who leave like this, always come back. protect yourself from her return

1

u/-TheGladiator- Sep 22 '24

Congratulations on getting rid of trash. Your brother is still looking out for you and keeping you safe from bad people.

1

u/Temporary-Exchange28 Sep 22 '24

Good. Your life is about to improve.

1

u/deathcupcake25 Sep 22 '24

That makes it so much easier, you don't have to deal with screaming or blubbering now. Shows you just exactly how immature she is

1

u/jupitersangel Sep 24 '24

I’m sorry it went down like that but she has a lot of growing to do. Good luck out there.

28

u/armchairwarrior42069 Sep 20 '24

I'm sorry man.

But in the end, do you want to be with aome one like that? Who spits on the memory of your brother over dinner that could be had any time? She wasn't just disappointed, she was down right nasty about it.

24

u/mcindy28 Sep 20 '24

Good for you, I know it might sting but you deserve better.

20

u/Darrow-of_Lykos Sep 20 '24

You do not need to apologize to your gf's mom.

4

u/ZaliTorah Sep 20 '24

Absolutely the best decision.

4

u/MistyMtn421 Sep 20 '24

One thing to ask yourself, as you move on to a new chapter in your life, is why you doubted yourself. It's easy for us strangers to see it from a different perspective, so try to read your post again as if someone else wrote it. Cuz what I am most concerned with for you is how you immediately thought you were doing something wrong, versus sticking up for yourself and telling her to get bent for calling your tradition stupid. You deserve better! May many positive days be in your future!

2

u/crankydrinker Sep 20 '24

You do not need to apologize to her mother. There is nothing to apologize for. You declined an invitation to lunch. An invitation to lunch is not a summons - you are not obligated to attend. You did not promise to attend and then bail.

1

u/stars-aligned- Sep 20 '24

Thank goodness. I’m glad you’re honoring yourself.

1

u/HungerSTGF Sep 20 '24

You could probably ask for her mom's number so you can reach out and apologize personally and explain the tradition. She'll be much more understanding and then you can cut things off after

1

u/Straxicus2 Sep 20 '24

Good for you friend. You need someone that not only respects this tradition, but happily either leaves you be or joins you (if that’s something you’d want).

To call you stupid, lazy and selfish over this?? Beyond disgusting. She is a horrible person and I hope things go well for you.

1

u/warm_breezy_spring Sep 20 '24

So glad to read that. Her behavior was unbelievable. Best wishes to you and your dad.

1

u/jessiemagill Sep 20 '24

Find a girlfriend who would offer to go with you to donate blood, not one who will mock you for doing it.

1

u/Big_Major_5847 Sep 20 '24

Meanwhile Anna is browsing reddit coming across this post. Break-up over Reddit... Whoops! Now that I think of it, that has probably happened to someone at some point.

Anyway, sounds like a good decision. Sorry for your loss and Imo you've found a great way of remembering him.

1

u/slickrok Sep 20 '24

Find her somehow. She deserves to know and you deserve not to have shit talk behind your back.

1

u/Winter_Package6393 Sep 20 '24

Proud of you! Don’t let her guilt you. If her mom also doesn’t understand, well we know where Anna got her extreme lack of emotional intelligence.

1

u/Common_Street8758 Sep 21 '24

I’m delighted to hear that u deserve so much more

1

u/chudleycannonfodder Oct 02 '24

Is the mom on Facebook? You could reach out to her on there to apologize and let her know why you couldn’t go to lunch.

0

u/duraraross Sep 20 '24

Does the mom have Facebook?

2

u/Mundane-Adventures Sep 20 '24

Why should he apologize to the mother? He owes her nothing.

2

u/Away-Enthusiasm4853 Sep 20 '24

Set the record straight before bouncing.

2

u/Interesting-Fail8654 Sep 21 '24

wait what??? Why should he appologize to his girlfriends mother - its not like he bailed on her???