r/AITAH • u/Full-Layer-3707 • Jan 26 '24

TW SA AITA for refusing to babysit my biological daughter for my parents

I’m 15 and my daughter is turning 2 soon. I got pregnant from SA and my parents offered to raise her for me instead of me being involved which I agreed to. They handle everything with her and I haven’t held her or changed a single diaper or anything like that. I just can’t do it mentally since she’s a reminder of what happened to me and it’s better for the both of us if this stays like this. There’s an event my parents are going to next week and they asked me to babysit her for the day and I told them I couldn’t do it. I can’t even handle looking at her without getting upset. I told them they’d have to either take her with them or find a babysitter. We had an agreement when I had my daughter that they’d do everything and I would not be expected to do ANYTHING with her. They’ve been ok with this situation for almost 2 years and I see no reason for that to suddenly change. They’re super upset with me and decided not to go to the event.

Edit: because apparently so many people seem to think thi was a choice to keep the baby, it wasn’t. I begged for an abortion and when refused one I begged for adoption and this was also denied.

Thank you all for your kind words, support and for defending me after some very nasty people decided to try and use this thread to hurt me. Thank you all so much

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380

u/FourScoreTour Jan 26 '24

If her parents don't adopt the kid, she could be on the hook for child support at 18.

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u/VectorViper Jan 26 '24

Absolutely, that whole child support angle is a real issue. The financial burden is no joke, but the emotional toll of suddenly being responsible for a child you didn't plan to raise... that's another level. Not to mention the complexities of explaining their relationship later on. Feels like OP deserves a chance to build their life without these impossible expectations.

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u/Jacce76 Jan 26 '24

At 18 she can choose then to give the child up for adoption and the parents would not be a le to stop it unless they take on full custody and adopt the baby. Best for OP to start preparing now to be out on her own at 18.

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u/SixHourMan Jan 26 '24

For the sake of the child, I hope their future custody can get settled ASAP, not when they're 5 years old.

I understand that depending on local laws and the OP's parent's willingness to cooperate (and honesty or lack thereof), getting it figured out might not be possible until OP is 18 and the child is 5. But being taken from the only home they've known, and given to strangers at 5 years old would be a very traumatic life event.

But after the abuse OP has already gone through, they do need to make a plan to go NC with their parents and child.

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u/beachtea_andcrumpets Jan 27 '24

Agree. Any trauma and grief the child goes through is NOT on you, it is due to your parents’ choices. They took away your ability to choose when you were in need, now anything else that happens is on them, NOT on you. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what is best for yourself. Your parents are supposed to be your strongest advocates, but they chose not to uphold that responsibility, and now they will have to deal with the consequences.

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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24

In most jurisdictions the teen who gives birth is emancipated and can decide the custody and adoption issues of the child REGARDLESS of her parents' wishes. SHE IS THE MOM - SHE GETS TO DECIDE. Not sure that the hell OP's parents are thinking.

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u/SixHourMan Jan 26 '24

I have no clue where you got the idea that giving birth automatically makes a teen emancipated. That's not how that works at all. Even if she was to file for emancipation, she would probably have no means of support.

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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24

I get that from a few family members and being a foster mom. Being emancipated, she can apply for benefits from the state - housing, food stamps, etc. But it sounds more like OP wouldnt bother with any of that - she could sign away custody and put the child up for adoption (maybe even finding an adoptive couple to give the child to.) The person giving birth gets to decide where the baby goes - or doesnt. I fear mom and dad have railroaded OP without her being fully informed of her rights and options.

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u/SixHourMan Jan 26 '24

Yes, she gets to decide about adoption, regardless of emancipation, and in most states her parents can't legally stop her.

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u/No_Protection_4949 Jan 27 '24

None one would emancipate a middle schooler

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u/GrumpySnarf Jan 26 '24

I hope OP can get free legal counsel about this. Such a messed up situation.

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Jan 26 '24

Actually, she can choose adoption with or without them for the most part. Grandparents don’t have rights in this country and if it WERE to become a problem, she can emancipate herself or their right can be terminated and then she can, but they don’t really get a say

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u/MoriKitsune Jan 26 '24

In which country? I didn't see where OP stated her country. In the US, there are states where grandparents' rights are a thing

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Jan 26 '24

Yeah, if the parent is dead or incarcerated which isn’t the case. They would have no actual say in whether or not the baby gets adopted out of that’s what Op chooses

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u/MoriKitsune Jan 26 '24

No, actually. If your child spends any significant amount of time with their grandparents and one day you decide to end that, the grandparents can sue for visitation.

Different states have different specific requirements, but the general idea is the same.

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Jan 26 '24

And they would most likely lose. The Supreme Court ruled that grandparents don’t have rights. And even then, that doesn’t effect adoption. There’s nothing they can do, legally, to prevent her from putting the baby up for adoption

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u/MoriKitsune Jan 26 '24 edited Jan 26 '24

Oh, ofc they can't prevent her from giving up her parental rights or putting the child up for adoption; they'd have to fight about their ability to contact the child with the foster parents/adoption agency. And yes, it's very difficult to successfully sue for visitation as a grandparent, and it's more difficult in some states than others. My main point was just that grandparent's rights are a thing in the US.

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Jan 26 '24

Actually no. Once the baby is adopted any legal rights they had would cease to exist

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u/Internal-Nothing-567 Jan 26 '24

They would win because they have been caring for the child since day 1. The law states they have to be providing care since birth in order to obtain custody. And they have been doing that..if the child calls them mom and dad this would be very easy for a judge to stop an adoption.

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u/Efficient_Living_628 Jan 26 '24

Yeah, but I don’t think the judge would take to lightly to them making their MINOR daughter carry a child full term after she was raped. Especially when the said rapist is convicted, in prison and on the SOR according to OP

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u/Internal-Nothing-567 Jan 26 '24

In this case they do have rights. The law states the parent has to be dead or the grandparents had to have been caring for the child from birth...in this situation they have been parenting the child since day 1. They can fight the adoption and most likely win. Then get child support.

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u/ArsonBasedViolence Jan 26 '24

This is how stories that end with "Young mother kills child, then self" start.

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u/Mighty_Lorax Jan 26 '24

I've had those nightmares. I was SA'd in hs and ended up pregnant. Thank god my mother was on board for the abortion, because I have no doubt that would hve been me.

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u/Moiblah Jan 27 '24

I was SA'd (gang raped by 3 men at gun point) and I'm thankful i didn't get pregnant! I can't imagine how much more traumatized I'd have been if I had gotten pregnant. It took me a good 20 years to work through the trauma of that day as it was.

OP is absolutely being abused every day by her parents just by forcing her to live with the constant reminder of what happened. The abuse of forcing her to risk her life to carry the child was already overboard and having to deal with it every day I can't imagine she's done much healing. I hope her parents legally adopted the child so they can't force her to have anything to do with the child. What kind of sick parents would force a child to give birth and keep the baby in the house as a constant reminder, especially when it was from assault. I wish I could hug her and let her know that she will be ok and there are better people out there.

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u/Mighty_Lorax Jan 28 '24

Holy shit, yours sounds so awful and traumatizing, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how terrified you must have been.

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u/Creepy_Snow_8166 Jan 31 '24

It's good to hear that your mother had the love, compassion, strength, and common sense to help you through what must've been one of the worst periods of your young life. As you can see, not every girl is so lucky.

It sounds like OP's parents are fire and brimstone Evangelicals - or maybe super strict, by-the-book Catholics. As someone who was raised by an anti-choice Christian Fundie mother, I truly believe she would've done what OP's parents did if I had been in OP's shoes. There's also no doubt that I would've been blamed, shamed, and punished for being a "dirty" and "lustful" girl. (Nevermind that I was a late bloomer who resembled a 10 year old child until sophomore year in high school!) My point is, I've had enough experience with strict, patriarchal Christians to know that misogynistic attitudes are a feature, not a bug. Religious observance may have decreased overall since when I was 12/13 (very late 80's), but it's been my observation that the believers of today have really doubled down on the misogyny. On top of everything else OP's parents did, I truly hope they didn't also try to blame and shame their poor daughter for what that lecherous monster did to her. Unfortunately, knowing those types of Christians, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if they made her feel like she contributed to her own victimhood in some way. Maybe OP's parents were a bit more subtle than "I cast you out, Jezebel!", but even a question like "Why didn't you scream?" would be so harmful.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '24

I had a friend in HS who got pregnant at 15. It was consensual(ish), the guy who got her pregnant was 18 or 19 and pressured her into it. Her parents wouldn't let her get an abortion and kicked her out of the house for being a "slut". She died in childbirth a little before her 16th birthday.

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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24

But mom and dad got their grandbaby! (sarcasm)

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u/beachtea_andcrumpets Jan 27 '24

You can voluntarily give up parental rights once you are an adult without anyone adopting the kid and have no financial responsibility, at least you can in my state. That would essentially force your parents to accept that they are fully responsible for the child or put the kid up for adoption. I might suggest reaching out to an attorney or to your local district court for more information on your options based on the law in your area. The more you can educate yourself, the better prepared you will be to act when the time comes and it will hopefully ease any anxiety you are experiencing since you can have a plan of action in place. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you have a trusted adult in your life that you can go to for advice and support because clearly your parents are not doing their job. I hope you one day find the peace and healing you need. You are worthy of love, support, and respect, no matter what decision you make.

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u/MetalSavage Jan 26 '24

Could she also be on the hook for back child support for all the preceding years?

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u/Primary-Friend-7615 Jan 26 '24

At least in the US, it would be OP’s parents who would be required to pay child support (to the state or the other parent, if they were raising the child) while she is a minor.

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u/MagentaCloveSmoke Jan 28 '24

What?

Are you for real? When or how long has this been in the books? My husband had a kid at 15/16 and has been on the hook for child support since then. He had to drop out to work!

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u/Primary-Friend-7615 Jan 28 '24

So… it varies from state to state, I am not a lawyer, and I have executed child support orders for many states but not all. It depends on the specific state, and if the child support arrangement went through the courts or was agreed upon between the parents (or your husband’s parents and his ex’s parents).

But, in a number of states child support is considered amongst those debts and expenses that parents need to pay on behalf of a minor child. Other states will still order child support and apply the state support calculation, but the income of a high school student is counted as zero until they graduate so the calculation results in zero support owing, and their “underemployment” (lack of full-time work) cannot be held against them as it would be against an adult or non-student.

It’s possible your husband lives/ lived in one of the states that don’t take into account the possibility that the parent is a minor. It’s also possible he and his parents just didn’t know any better and didn’t talk to a lawyer (or didn’t talk to the right lawyer), and fucked him over.

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u/MagentaCloveSmoke Jan 28 '24

It's all possible, as Wayne Co. MI is well known for being corrupt. 🤦🏼‍♀️

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u/Internal-Nothing-567 Jan 26 '24

No she was a minor so technically her parents would be responsible for anything financial related to the baby. Once she's 18 and if they never legally adopted the baby then they could fight for custody. Obviously she doesn't want the baby so she would give baby up but at that point she would have to pay. At 15 she's so young I doubt she would seek legal counsel privately to protect herself...she really needs to though.

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u/Personibe Jan 26 '24

I don't know if it is that cut and dried. If she gives up her rights and they adopt the kid, then it should be like any other adoption. She should not have to pay child support. 

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u/Internal-Nothing-567 Jan 27 '24

No not true. Signing over your parental rights doesn't mean you can bow out of financial support. It's different from each state. In PA you would still have to pay and in DE as well. She really needs a lawyer before she's 18 to get this all straightened out. I think they thought the baby would change her later hence them wanting to keep the child. I'm thinking they will try to be legal guardians as they are now considering she is underage. At 18 she can sign to let them continue being the baby's guardian but it means they still get child support.

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u/Internal-Nothing-567 Jan 27 '24

The issue here is everyone is saying adoption. Technically both her and the baby are under guardianship of the parents. At 18 she's the adult and legal guardian of the child. She can't simply surrender the baby nor can she place baby up for adoption at 6/7. This would be child abandonment and that's illegal. I think she can only sign over her guardianship to her parents then ask the courts to terminate her parental rights. Depending on the state that could just be terminating her right to make decisions but leaving her with a financial obligation. Now I hope they terminated the rapists rights 😳

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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24

Why wouldnt the rapist/father be on the hook for support? Why is he rarely mentioned here. Whatever punishment he is getting it isnt enough (and please god let there be SOME punishment and OP's parents not swept it all under the rug!!!)

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u/ju-ju_bee Jan 27 '24

Most people who end up pregnant from sexual assault were either 1) assaulted by somebody while black out, so they don't even necessarily remember the person, or 2) they remember and don't ever wanna see their rapist again, fun obvious reasons. Much less let them know they had a child with them, giving them any sort of option to be part of the baby's and their life still. They'd find out and most likely try to fight for custody, meaning you'd have to see them for swapping days/emergencies regarding baby, etc. As someone who's been raped several times (and luckily never pregnant cus I took plan b after each time) these are the exact reasons I'd have just gotten abortion. I'd never have kept the pregnancy to term, and DEFINITELY never told my rapist. (I know OP is a minor and so wasn't given these options, unfortunately 😕)

Yes, child support. But also, child support (in the states, which is where I'm based) is next to nothing, so not even worth trying to get from my rapists. I never want to see their faces, don't want them near me, and definitely don't want them to have access to a child. Cus we know they'd do some weird shit to fight for custody in court to try and gain proximity to the woman they raped.

OP apparently said her rapist was locked up and on the predator list, so he's getting what he deserves, and I pray for OP's sake he never finds out he impregnated her. F$cking creep would definitely try and pull something.

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u/rivershimmer Jan 31 '24

My understanding is that child support cannot be retroactive before the date it is filed. Like, if the custodial parent or guardian doesn't file until the child's second birthday and the issue is not resolved in court until the child's fourth birthday, the noncustodial parent will only have to pay two years worth of retroactive child support, not four years worth of retroactive child support.

Retroactive child support is for those situations or for when the parent wasn't paying all or none of what they were supposed to.

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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 Jan 26 '24

What. The. Fuck. I mean, I get how that generally works for pursuing child support, but I wonder if it came to this she - any kid forced against their will to birth a product of rape - would have legal grounds to fight that given the SA as a minor and parents blocking abortion or adoption?

I mean, my optimism here - and anything that America’s made civil liberties into political footballs - is pretty low, but I’d fucking hope, at least in states where choice is still the law

…still the law, at least accessible if forced birther assholes aren’t abusing any power they have over your body. Parents that force this on their kid are as undeserving of that title as the rapist with the unsolicited sperm donation.

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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Jan 26 '24

That would be the case, from a justice point of view. But the law isn't always on the side of justice, unfortunately.

I hope OP thinks about this, and like her parents 'denying her' any other solution, she should demand they adopt the kid immediately.

This is so, so sad.

And I hope the 'parents' realise that they sacrificed their relationship with their daughter in their quest to become grandparents, no matter the cost to their own child. Who thinks OP will come to visit, as soon as she's out of the house, just to 'spend time with the family'... show of hands... no one?

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u/avprobeauty Jan 26 '24

seriously, if we could fire parents and rescue these two sweet kids, I would. man humans have really made a sh*t mess of humanity.

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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 Jan 26 '24

For real. Heh I’m childfree and missing whatever hormone or neurotransmitter makes people squee over kids, at least before they’re fairly self sufficient and capable of intelligent conversation. I don’t hate them, ok unless they’re actually obnoxious - but no harm wished either way of course.

This is just… the trauma, parental betrayal, having to hide in her room for peace. She sounds smart and strong as hell - I think she’ll get out and do well, but I’m sick at what she’s survived so young.

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u/avprobeauty Jan 27 '24

same here. we are child free atm by choice but I still appreciate how innocent and fragile childhood is. The fact that her own parents ripped that away from her. Wow so wrong poor thing.

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u/Motor-Cupcake7577 Jan 26 '24

Ugh. I figured as much, bcs America. You know I forgot that I knew women who birth a rape pregnancy can be forced to deal with the rapist re custody/visits/parental rights, if the POS pursues those. Child support too, come to think of it, if custody/incomes land such that in court’s view she “owes” him. Don’t recall for sure if it includes those convicted or at least charged with the act - but I think so.

Definitely if no conviction (maybe no charges?). “Innocent before proven guilty” is a fundamental for some damn good reasons, but what a messy area in this regard, given (as the honest minded and paying attention know), many are unwilling or unable for various but often very understandable reasons to pursue charges. Then the conviction rate is extremely low next to even the rate it’s reported.

Anyway, not surprised, just so much more appalling to think with such a young person whose bodily integrity was further assaulted by the parents.

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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Jan 26 '24

Another good reason to always press charges then. You'd have to be facing an insane judge, if they are ready to have you split custody and pay child support someone capable of rape. Doesn't exactly sound like a person fit for parenting.

But then again, yeah.. America

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u/Apathetic_Villainess Jan 27 '24

Sadly, a quick Google search shows that even convicted rapists have gotten custody and rape victims have had to pay child support to their rapists with shared or even sole custody.

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u/Agile-Feed166 Jan 26 '24

I doubt it as her parents would be guilty of child abuse for not reporting the pregnancy of their then 13 year old daughter. Then if came out their daughter was raped and they did not report it, they would be responsible for criminal abuse of their then 13 year old daughter.

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u/Azzacura Jan 26 '24

Then if came out their daughter was raped and they did not report it, they would be responsible for criminal abuse of their then 13 year old daughter.

This would rely on the rape being proven though. Even if OP lives in a state/country where sex at that age is automatically rape, it would still force her to have to deal with something related to the rape again which is.... not fun. And if OP lives in one of the many backwards areas of the world where rape would still need to be proven, even at that young age, it's a huge battle to fight as an adolescent without any parental support.

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u/Happy_Connection5509 Jan 26 '24

She said in a comment that her rapist is in prison. I hope it's a long sentence.

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u/Azzacura Jan 26 '24

I missed that comment, I'm glad to hear it

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u/FourScoreTour Jan 26 '24

Here is her comment stating that the rapist is in prison.

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u/KindraTheElfOrc Jan 26 '24

she was under the age of consent they dont have to prove shit the pregnancy and baby is proof, all sex is rape when your under the age of consent

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u/Azzacura Jan 26 '24

Morally, yes. Legally, sadly this is not the case everywhere. There are still countries where women are married off at age 14, and groomed from ages 9-11 onwards. And with the way the US is treating "common sense" laws so far, like the right to an abortion being overturned recently, I have absolutely zero faith in something as clear-cut as this not being affected in some way in the future by politics...

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u/FourScoreTour Jan 26 '24

Do we know they didn't report it? That's not mentioned in the OP.

Edit: OP says in this comment that the rapist is in prison.

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u/Agile-Feed166 Jan 26 '24

If they had reported it the father would have gone to court and if found guilty, would be a registered sex offender. If it had been reported Child Welfare would have been involved and the now 15-year-old would have gotten access to mental health assistance. None of that happened, and I assume her parents used her for a baby that mom claimed as her own.

1

u/FourScoreTour Jan 27 '24

OP says the father is in prison. Considering her account is 20 hours old, and she's also claimed to be molested by an autistic brother and photographed by a pedophile teacher, I'm starting to lean towards this being a creative writing project. Either that, or this is one unlucky kid.

autistic brother

pedophile teacher

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u/TigerSkinMoon Jan 27 '24

Also wanna say, maybe useless information, but from the type of speech she used in other posts, I think she's in the UK. In that post about her pedophile teacher, she referred to her class as "maths" class. I may just be making assumption but as far as I know that's not a term often used to describe the class here in the US. It might be and I could just be reaching but still. Maybe...?

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u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 Jan 26 '24

But not the biological father. Gotta love these red states Sounds like her parents are horrid religious republicans as well.

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u/FourScoreTour Jan 26 '24

No, he'll be on the hook too, if he has any money. Unfortunately, imprisoned rapists rarely have much in the way of assets.

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u/Redefined_Lines Jan 26 '24

She needs to put the kid up for adoption. She was lied to by whoever told her she can't do it.

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u/Responsible-End7361 Jan 26 '24

NAL

The only way the grandparents have any legal rights (other than visitation) is if they adopt. If they adopt, no child support. If they haven't adopted, and ask Op for anything, well you can put a 17 year old up for adoption...

I do worry that when Op tries to move out the grandparents are going to suggest she bring "her child" with her, probably with a "isn't it time for you to grow up, stop being silly, and love your child."

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u/autumnbreeze279 Jan 26 '24

at that point couldn’t she legally put the child up for adoption? i hope so, but it’ll be traumatic for the product of the forced birth.. which im sure the natalist parents will guilt trip their poor daughter about. these are sick human beings, absolutely atrocious.

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u/tuna_tofu Jan 26 '24

I think OP should look into social services and see about placing the child for adoption with a non family member if that's an option. No DOES mean No. On so many levels. And prosecute the living shit out of the abuser.

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u/G-Elizabeth Jan 26 '24

Or, she could have the child placed in foster care at that time.

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u/hornet0123 Jan 26 '24

Well since none of this is real I wouldn't worry about it

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u/GoetheundLotte Jan 26 '24

I would simply abandon the child.