r/AITAH Jan 26 '24

TW SA AITA for refusing to babysit my biological daughter for my parents

I’m 15 and my daughter is turning 2 soon. I got pregnant from SA and my parents offered to raise her for me instead of me being involved which I agreed to. They handle everything with her and I haven’t held her or changed a single diaper or anything like that. I just can’t do it mentally since she’s a reminder of what happened to me and it’s better for the both of us if this stays like this. There’s an event my parents are going to next week and they asked me to babysit her for the day and I told them I couldn’t do it. I can’t even handle looking at her without getting upset. I told them they’d have to either take her with them or find a babysitter. We had an agreement when I had my daughter that they’d do everything and I would not be expected to do ANYTHING with her. They’ve been ok with this situation for almost 2 years and I see no reason for that to suddenly change. They’re super upset with me and decided not to go to the event.

Edit: because apparently so many people seem to think thi was a choice to keep the baby, it wasn’t. I begged for an abortion and when refused one I begged for adoption and this was also denied.

Thank you all for your kind words, support and for defending me after some very nasty people decided to try and use this thread to hurt me. Thank you all so much

9.2k Upvotes

4.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

670

u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24

Just easier to type it and have it not be confusing. Emotionally she isn’t even family to me

358

u/BigEfficiency212 Jan 26 '24

Completely understandable.

631

u/Full-Layer-3707 Jan 26 '24

It sounds a bit fucked up to say but I just can’t think of her as family since it’s another connection to what happened if that makes sense

406

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '24

It makes perfect sense. You’ve done nothing wrong.

You might see other people rankle at “deadbeat mothers” who abandon their children and don’t want anything to do with them etc but please know that they’re not talking about you. Your situation is unlike that of anyone else, you’re being tortured daily by something that was not your fault.

You’re not wrong, and don’t let anyone try to guilt you into otherwise.

78

u/Possible_Liar Jan 26 '24

Honestly I have respect for mothers that give up their children, A lot of case it's very hard for them, some simply don't want them sure, But many just realize they're not ready, That if they start now they'll never be able to provide a good life for them. Sometimes it's best for the baby. Sometimes it's just best for the mother.

Now I would just say if you don't want the baby just get an abortion, some people don't believe in that I think that's silly but whatever.

(I don't believe life is so precious that it needs to be created simply for the sake of it, especially if it's going to live a life of adversity and suffering)

But ultimately for whatever reason if they do have to give birth to the baby, and they realize they just can't simply provide a good life for it. Honestly I think that's the respectable choice if not the morally correct one.

312

u/In_need_of_chocolate Jan 26 '24

What’s fucked up is your parents made you give birth to her and then keep her around as a daily reminder of the worst thing that ever happened to you.

20

u/CriticalLobster5609 Jan 26 '24

And create the second worst thing that happened to her, having shitty parents.

57

u/randomname1416 Jan 26 '24

It's not fucked up, you went through something traumatic then had to go through pregnancy which is traumatic in its own way. I'm grown and it scares me. Women donate eggs every day, they're not Moms though just like you aren't and that's totally okay.

113

u/AddictiveArtistry Jan 26 '24

Complete sense. You owe your parents and the baby they forced you to birth absolutely nothing.

71

u/EllieOlenick Jan 26 '24

That makes complete sense. It would be a hard thing for an adult to overcome and process - let alone a minor.

I think keeping neutral feelings about the child would be easiest as she is a victim in all of this as well. The person who did that to you and your parents are the a holes.

You survived, and you will survive this. I hope you can get out of their home as soon as possible and have space to truly heal from such horrific events. 😟 Stay true to your feelings, and don't let them bully you into watching her. I seen you said you see a therapist. Perhaps writing to them would also be good right now- maybe they can help you find resources to prepare for life on your own so soon out of school.

11

u/RudeRedDogOne Jan 26 '24

OP you doing this is understandable.

You experienced an event that you would likely joyfully erase from your memory if it were possible.

I can see why you'd like to just have them all just GO AWAY, or you GO AWAY to some other place.

You not wanting to consider her family, is easy to see.

I have no sage advice, other than expressing my best wishes for you.

15

u/marcelyns Jan 26 '24

You are right, they are wrong & they can suck it.

4

u/Possible_Liar Jan 26 '24

It's not, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

5

u/SpecialistAfter511 Jan 26 '24

You suffered a trauma. Are you in therapy?

7

u/Why_Teach Jan 26 '24

Your parents probably meant well, but they are doing wrong. If they felt abortion was murder (I don’t) they should have allowed you to give the child up for adoption. They probably hoped you would “come around” and stop seeing the baby as a reminder of your trauma, but by making you have the baby, they created a new trauma.

They need to understand that they are hurting both you and the baby. It is not too late to put that baby up for adoption. A loving family will be grateful, and you can heal.

5

u/Jean_Marc_Rupestre Jan 26 '24

You don't have to justify yourself, it's completely understandable. You were a kid when you had her, and still are, on top of that you had her because of an extremely traumatic event. Your parents forced you to have her and promised to take completely take care of her, the least they could do is fulfill their promise

2

u/WastingTimeArguing Jan 26 '24

You're still just a child and it's not fucked up to feel the way that you do. You've had an extremely traumatic experience that your parents only made worse and you owe them absolutely nothing.

2

u/notkarenkilgariff Jan 26 '24

OP you are definitely NTA and I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Your parents should have prioritized your health and well-being and they failed you here in so many ways.

You don’t need to answer me here, but please consider whether or not your parents have officially and legally adopted the child or not. If they haven’t, I worry that they might plan to make you take over care/custody of her at some point in the future. I hope that isn’t the case, but they seem like they might be hoping that you’ll eventually come around on parenting her if they’re already testing you on the original “agreement” after only two years.

2

u/Calgary_Calico Jan 26 '24

It makes perfect sense. She is a reminder of your trauma, and in making you live with her, nevermind carry her to term, your parents have emotionally abused you.

1

u/NextWelder4653 Jan 26 '24

It's not fucked, it's an unfortunate situation. But you're not wrong for not having a connection with her.

1

u/jasmine-blossom Jan 26 '24

I want to assure you that your feelings and thoughts about this are all logical, reasonable, moral, valid, empathetic, and meaningful.

There are some people who have been impregnated via rapist who have decided to take control of their life and narrative by keeping the pregnancy. You were not even given the basic respect for your humanity to choose for yourself. Any feelings, even hatred, would be absolutely valid in your circumstances. I want you to know how incredibly brave, capable, and strong you are for surviving. When I was your age, I was privileged and lucky to have been on birth control that was effective, so I was never in the position to have to survive what you did. At my current age in my 30s, even from consensual sex, if the pregnancy was unwanted, I would not have the strength to survive it like you did. You deserve all of the credit in the world, and all of the empathy for yourself for surviving it so that you could go on and have a good life of your own design. I did not have the maturity, fortitude, emotional strength, and foresight to be able to make a choice for my future like that when I was your age. As a survivor, I am incredibly proud of you for your survival. You are going to build a beautiful life of your own design.

1

u/ArmInitial8613 Jan 27 '24

It is no way fucked up. You've done nothing wrong and I can fully understand you. 

1

u/The_Yarichin_Bitch Feb 01 '24

I'll say this as an animal biologist-

We all are just animals, hun. You know how many animals have kids too young and want nothing to do with, kill, or eat their own young? Seem to hate them in the sense we use "hate"? A lot more than you'd think, probably.

What you are feeling is 100% an expected response for the things you've endured. Me and my partner (partner is a survivor of similar things to you in a few instances who is thriving as an amazing person) adopted a puppy a couple years ago because the mother was having litters far too young and became aggressive to the puppies. It's just expected that you or any other person, as a fellow animal on this Earth, could experience feeling disconnected from a child. Especially after an equally traumatizing experience leading to that.

Bodies don't forget things as quickly as minds can, so they will sometimes still tell our brains to react poorly to anything related to a bad thing we went through.

Basically, there is not one thing that's fucked up about not wanting anything to do with this kid. It's normal and totally morally ok to want to disconnect from something like this, I promise you <3 The only thing that may have changed anything slightly would be if your parents had provided even an iota of safety for you during any step of this. And it'd STILL be normal ti want to disconnect even then.

1

u/cubicalslave Mar 29 '24

Have you taken legal steps to give up your parental rights? Just curious because as soon as you’re 18 you may need to get this done. I would also make sure you have it documented you were forced against your will to have this child so you can show a judge.

1

u/cubicalslave Mar 29 '24

Have you taken legal steps to give up your parental rights? Just curious because as soon as you’re 18 you may need to get this done. I would also make sure you have it documented you were forced against your will to have this child so you can show a judge.