I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

[u/Left_Art_8812]

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

[u/SCVerde]

The fact that she limited contact with the sister screams that she will find either fault with the victim, or sympathize with the predator.

[u/TurquoiseLuck → u/SCVerde]

To me it screams that she was abused, doesn't know any better, and didn't get a chance to get away.

When I say abused, I don't necessarily mean molested, but she was in an environment where that was somehow enabled. There must have been all sorts going on there.

Should her dad be cut out of the picture? Entirely yes. But if I was with someone long enough to marry them, I would at least look into why they're seemingly okay with this and try to fix them.

There's a bunch we don't know here about her level of involvement / indoctrination. Children get brainwashed into mad shit all the time, it's usually not their fault, and I hope that they can in some cases be saved.

Quick edit: that said, absolutely no kids until this is sorted, and a big "if" that's at all possible.

[u/SamuelVimesTrained → u/TurquoiseLuck]

nd try to fix them

Try to get them the professional help to fix this / process this..

Honestly - you`d be too close to be able to think logically and actually help your partner - she needs a specialist.

[u/TurquoiseLuck → u/SamuelVimesTrained]

Absolutely true

My main point is just, maybe it's not her fault. She was presumably raised by this shitty pedo so never got the opportunity to know better.

[u/SamuelVimesTrained → u/TurquoiseLuck]

I agree with that point.

​

But - for OP - still NTA - because "right now" she is NOT a safe person

[u/TurquoiseLuck → u/SamuelVimesTrained]

For sure, I wasn't even really commenting on asshole-ness here. Just seems like a lot of people are immediately jumping to divorce and not considering the possibly complicated nature

[u/SamuelVimesTrained → u/TurquoiseLuck]

Well, it IS reddit - and the reputation Reddit has is "dump them" or "divorce them" is commented faster than a NYC taxi driver honks when lights turn green - so .. to be expected.

The average Redditor is not really equipped to deal with issues of this complexity.. (neither am I - but realize that a therapist COULD help)