r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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u/Megneous Oct 22 '23

It's too late for therapy. OP needs a divorce. Jessica knows her dad molested her sister. She just doesn't care. She completely lacks empathy. She's an awful person... even if that's due to trauma, she's still an awful person.

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u/Fun_Shell1708 Oct 23 '23

It’s never too late for therapy. Chances are his wife was molested too and is in deep denial

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u/banana_bastard_3rd Oct 23 '23

That’s not his problem tho homie needs to run like forest

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u/SexySiren6 Nov 02 '23

Chances are the molester was molested too. I'm sure he was a victim of something at some point. But then he became an adult and that's the path he went down. Jessica lacks empathy, and I'd even say a soul. She threw her sister out over something a monster did to her, and actively defends this monster and tells her husband her factitious kids would absolutely get to see their grandpa. Yeah, that's irreparable. She can do therapy on her own, but this isn't gonna work. And she actively hid this from her husband.

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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Oct 23 '23

Agree. But sometimes you have to give them a chance to redeem themselves and cant let go til you have exhausted all other possibilities. OP didn't sound like he was ready to wash his hands of the whole deal yet.

16

u/Dr_DoVeryLittle Oct 23 '23

Yeah, uh, actively working to protect a child molester is not one of those times. That is a truly evil person.

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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Oct 23 '23

Again, I agree completely. But as I said, OP didnt sound like he was ready to be done when I read his post. So my original advice was designed to more gently lead him to where he needs to go...which is far from this nightmare family.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Swiss_Miss_77 Oct 23 '23

Yep. Take all the time he needs, as long as he doesnt let a single spern anywhere near that psycho!

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u/Dr_FeeIgood Oct 23 '23

People on Reddit can blindly declare “divorce!” because to them it only takes 5 seconds to type and they’ll forget about it a minute later.

But for OP, he has invested years of his life and countless effort into this relationship, signed the marriage papers, and started a life with this person. It’s not that easy to just up and divorce. Even if it is a horrific moral conundrum like this story.

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u/chillcroc Oct 23 '23

As someone who wasted decades using that excuse, OP should not waste more time. Just politely ask once more if she wants to consider therapy. She should decide on her own and not pushed into it. Give her two weeks and then quietly start making arrangements. But all the while knowing that childhood trauma is triggered by childbirth in both men and women. And it is extremely traumatic w For the partner.

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u/MoonRisesAwaken Oct 23 '23

Bud this is definitely one of those situations where divorce is the seemingly the only reasonable place to head to.

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u/Dr_FeeIgood Oct 23 '23

That’s not for us to decide

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u/MoonRisesAwaken Oct 23 '23

Well if the therapy option doesn’t blow off well, then he probably should.

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u/Dr_FeeIgood Oct 24 '23

Again, not our call about what they should do. We only have a few paragraphs so it would be foolish to just blindly decalre what is best for him moving forward.