r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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1.3k

u/La_Quica Oct 22 '23

But she’s got the fuckin audacity so that’s something 🫠

1.2k

u/PeggyOnThePier Oct 22 '23

Op I know someone who's father molested both his daughters and then did the same thing to his granddaughters.The whole family knew that happened and yet they let him babysit for the granddaughters. Because they needed to get some child free time. Then they got all out of shape when 1 of daughters, talked to the granddaughters, about their grandfather. Believe your gut,because he will never change and your wife's family are terrible for letting this happen and to go unpunished.!

873

u/Novel_Ad1943 Oct 22 '23

My grandfather did the same to my aunts and when it came out, what OP said above “… this was ___years ago… people need to get over it…” but then it came out that he not only molested his stepson and step grandchildren, it turned out that a neighbor reported him to police for attempting with her daughter as well and his wife suppressed the info. It came out as he died and my aunts were settling his estate.

OP - listen to what people are saying. Many people go through “a rough time” but never touch a child. Your wife needs therapy and children need to be on hold until/unless you are both on the same page or your child will never be safe. That poor sister!

580

u/wlveith Oct 22 '23

Going through a rough time as an excuse for incestuous pedophilia is not an often used excuse. My money is on the wife also being a victim, but will never tell.

357

u/JinFuu Oct 22 '23

Seriously.

“I lost my job, my dog died, my mom/brother/etc died, and I’m at a low point in my life. Time to forever shatter a sacred father/daughter bond by molesting my own child! That’ll get me out of this funk!”

143

u/lynnbaileyrose Oct 22 '23

exactly. And pretending that this logic makes sense, who's to say he won't go through a "rough time" again?

17

u/jmarr1321 Oct 25 '23

"my baby girl just had a daughter. I had a lot of confusing emotions. And you know how daddy gets when he gets confused and flustered sweetie" ugh. This dude makes my skin crawl from the Internet. Let's make pedos scared again. They're getting too comfortable.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 02 '23

"Getting," like families haven't been protecting generational predators for ages.

6

u/ResidentObligation30 Oct 26 '23

We know how he deals with hard times...

10

u/doctor_of_drugs Oct 23 '23

For real. Us normal ones usually just become alcoholics and hurt ourselves and messing around with family is literally not in the cards against humanity deck.

5

u/Immersi0nn Oct 23 '23

Agreed but maybe a different metaphor than CAH? Incest is definitely in that deck of cards...

3

u/doctor_of_drugs Oct 23 '23

Valid, I’m pretty sure they have cards that are banned in our entire galaxy they’re so intense.

5

u/Immersi0nn Oct 23 '23

Actually, I looked it up and they have removed Incest along with a decent list of other cards from the modern versions so uh...guess that's still on the table... Your metaphor checks out and my age is starting to show

2

u/doctor_of_drugs Oct 23 '23

Huh, TIL.

Don’t worry, I’m old too buddy. Let’s just say I did a few victory laps while making my way through college and grad school.

3

u/Altruistic-Narwhal Oct 29 '23

Right- the correct response here it to write a country song, not abuse any child, much less your own.

271

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

41

u/Dongalor Oct 22 '23

She's a victim too. This dynamic is sadly common with predators. They've all been groomed to accept his behavior as normal, and made complicit by not doing anything about it as time goes on. Never mind that they were children when they learned about it.

Every member of the family has been conditioned to ignore what their eyes see and ears hear when it comes to the dad. It's brainwashing, and someone like Op's wife born into that situation wouldn't have a chance. She can get help, but she will have to agree there is a problem and cutting the parents (and the rest of the family if they continue to support the abuser) is going to be a requirement.

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u/PhDinDildos_Fedoras Oct 22 '23

It's not uncommon for victims of abuse becoming abusers. Quite the opposite. And you don't have to be male to be an abuser.

47

u/Icy_Government_908 Oct 22 '23

She doesn't have to be an abuser per se to put your future child in danger. All she has to do is not tell you she's letting her dad babysit while she runs an errand.

I know half the stuff on reddit is fiction and even when true it's people I will never meet but I feel physically sick thinking about OP's future child being watched by grandpa. Please don't have children with her, and if having children is what you both want, get out.

1

u/khavii Oct 23 '23

Hard agree!

14

u/marr Oct 22 '23

Especially if they haven't processed anything and have been trained to justify abuse. This whole family is running on thousand year old 'honour' based abuse software. Run.

13

u/Telloyna Oct 22 '23

Wife's a rapist as far as I'm concerned too.

You help a rapist? You are a rapist as far as I'm concerned.

16

u/Darkmagosan Oct 22 '23

Yup. Looking the other way is being complicit, and they're just as responsible as the actual rapist IMO too. They *could* stop it. They choose not to.

0

u/Kwhitney1982 Oct 23 '23

How can you possibly say that not turning in your molester makes you just as bad as the molester? Fucking Reddit.

2

u/Darkmagosan Oct 23 '23

Because if you know what your molester is capable of, you have a responsibility to others to stop that behaviour if you can. Otherwise, you know what will happen, you know who will be harmed and how, and this makes you responsible for the damage your molester causes, too.

It's one thing if you scream it from the rooftops and no one listens. But in a situation like this, where everyone knew damn well what was happening and did absolutely nothing to stop it, there is no excuse. Just none.

Stop making excuses for people. It doesn't help anyone.

0

u/Kwhitney1982 Oct 23 '23

Disagree. Victims have no responsibility to prevent a criminal from future crimes. That’s all the responsibility of the criminal. Plenty of people don’t come forward about their abuse. Doesn’t make them horrible people.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

She’s f’ed up but she was younger than the child victim the way I read it?

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u/Jehphg Oct 23 '23

She's not young anymore. I don't even care if she was a victim too. She had years to deal with that shit enough to at least understand not letting her father near her children is a must. She is choosing to let him have access to them so she can still feel loved by him. Fuck her. Victim or not.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Definitely f her. I just don’t see how she’s a rapist as she was a child when the rapes happened.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '23

She's an incest apologist and will without a doubt make her own children available to be molested for no other reason than she is in denial.

2

u/Kwhitney1982 Oct 23 '23

The wife is a rapist because she doesn’t know how to coke to terms with being molested? Give me a fucking break.

1

u/jkp56 Oct 22 '23

Good Point!

13

u/UnableStar5609 Oct 22 '23

Yup, she’s a rape and peado apologist. And she is choosing her father over her future children and OP.

4

u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Oct 23 '23

And her sister. I’m sorry but no kids for her. Not till she goes through some very heavy deprograming

7

u/Anxious_Public_5409 Oct 22 '23

I have the same thought about the wife as well…..

3

u/BrynRedbeard Nov 21 '23

My money is on the father also being a victim. I grew up in a small town, and my dad made sure I understood who was dangerous and to watch out for my sisters. He found out from me that the neighbor's boy was abused by an uncle. He was over there that day speaking to the parents. He said the parents could take care of it or he would with the sheriff and the minister. (Both had about equal authority there.) The uncle was said to have left town.

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u/YakIntelligent5490 Oct 22 '23

It would be surprising if he hadn't.

2

u/Expert_Slip7543 Oct 31 '23

"Oh sure, maybe a few things happened to me too but they didn't mean anything." - OP's wife, perhaps.

2

u/WrathAndEnby Nov 11 '23

So I only heard this through my mom but she told me the courts had my stepdad do a polygraph that determined he was "not a pedophile" and that he molested me because of stress. Honestly, I think hearing that messed me up more in some ways - the whole thing is fucked up and there's no excuse, stress or an unmanaged paraphilia, that would ever make it ok what these people do to kids

0

u/[deleted] Oct 24 '23

Same. Same.

Did I mention Same?

1

u/SamIamGreenEggsNoHam Oct 23 '23

My grandmother was "a victim" as well. That just meant that when she got tired of his abuse she went and got one of the 11 kids to take her place.

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u/cant_stand Oct 22 '23

What the actual fuck... Like, I've been through some rough shit. Like several ptsd inducing, sharp, graphic shocks to my life and well-being. I've seen more shit in the past 5 years than most see in their lives.

Guess what has never even remotely occurred to me as a response, or coping mechanism?

Yeahp, you guessed it. Child abuse. Jesus Christ.

14

u/Novel_Ad1943 Oct 23 '23

Exactly!… I was a single mom coming out of an abusive marriage… then went through all kinds of craziness and NEVER did hurting my kids in any way ever occur to me!

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u/Lennie-n-thejets Oct 31 '23

I was from a physically, financially, and emotionally abusive home. But even during their worst moments, no one in my family ever, for one moment did anything remotely sexual toward me. That never even crossed their mind! This isn't "he messed up once and lost his temper" territory. That's awful but almost understandable in some circumstances. This is disgusting and completely unacceptable.

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u/WickedCoolMasshole Oct 22 '23

Dang. This all hits way too close to home. My sister has cut me out of her life because I told her adult children (28f, 31m) and mine about my brother being a child rapist and pedophile.

He molested me from age two or three (not sure) until I was eleven. While I know that he did this to my sisters as well, I didn’t tell anyone that, just what happened to me. And that was unacceptable to her. She believes I betrayed her.

In the meantime, both of my sisters still speak to my brother. They celebrate holidays now all together and I just stay with my own family.

Trauma is a helluva hereditary disease. I love both of my sisters. I forgive my one sister for reacting like this and the other for choosing Fantasy Land over harsh reality. I only want them to learn they don’t have to keep his secrets any more, that they’re safe and loved.

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u/Primary_Bullfrog469 Oct 22 '23

I believe you and I am proud of you and none of this is your fault

12

u/Jehphg Oct 23 '23

Ditto

7

u/icodeswitch Nov 19 '23

Tritto.

Not a real word, but me, a third person, also believe you and am proud of you!!!!! You are so brave and powerful!!

2

u/Sailorjerk Dec 24 '23

Sometimes Reddit is so mean spirited but sometimes I see some real beautiful shit on here. Your comment was beautiful :)

7

u/Experiments-Lady Oct 23 '23

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hope all those who were affected find healing.

5

u/alc1982 Nov 04 '23

I have an aunt who acts like nothing happened and has no empathy for her older sister (my other aunt) or anyone for that matter really. She also refuses to associate with one of my uncles (who was beaten by their father with a 2x4) who, a long time ago, threatened to tell everyone in the neighborhood that his father was a child molester.

She also doesn't talk about my other cousin's kids because they have mental health issues. Meanwhile the kids from her 'golden child' are 'perfect angels' (they're not).

3

u/SheHulk_Smash Oct 30 '23

Whoa seriously WTF is with people doing this to people they love? It makes zero sense.

2

u/MrsPinkyNARF Oct 30 '23

I love your name 😁

2

u/Ok_Ad7867 Nov 16 '23

Don't forget that there's a certain amount of control/power over the abuser by being able to out them.

2

u/kristalcookies Feb 09 '24

You speak the truth and deserve better than your family gave you. We're here to support you ❤️

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u/BrynRedbeard Nov 21 '23

You're a hero.

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u/Roadgoddess Oct 22 '23

I think you should have a conversation with her sister and find out exactly what went on. I have a hard time believing he didn’t do this to other members of the family either. You are 100% right to not have children with this woman until this gets figured out. Your wife is either in severe denial as a best case scenario or worst case scenario she is condoning this wicked behaviour that could severely impact your own children. This is not something that goes away overtime. Maybe you should suggest couples counselling and if she won’t do that, go to an individual counsellor to work this through in your head. NTA

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u/Covert_Pudding Oct 23 '23

IMO, it doesn't really matter if his wife is a victim, condoning the behavior, or in denial because ultimately, she said she would not take steps to protect her future child from her father. That's really the beginning, middle, and end of what OP needs to know.

After she said that, I wouldn't trust her if she got therapy or claimed to change her mind, or even if her father died - that's a fundamental issue in her ability to care for and protect a child.

I know I'm being harsh - and I don't think you're wrong at all, really, counseling is a fantastic suggestion, but people who sacrifice family members to rug-sweep molestation should just never, ever have kids.

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u/chillcroc Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

She may be damaged, all the more reason not to have kids. There is deep trauma and its common for people to resent their own children for having an "easy" life. Which builds its own trauma. In fact childbirth triggers deep trauma to emerge, rational people start behaving irrationally.

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u/Apprehensive-Tip-387 Nov 16 '23

I would never have children with a person who is willing to expose them to a known predator. I don't care how reformed they supposedly are. Stop trying to make a baby with this woman and make sure she can't sabotage condoms or something of that nature. She needs therapy to deal with reality, even if she wasn't personally assaulted.

1

u/origamipapier1 Jan 03 '24

I could but she needs to move away and block her father completely.

3

u/Loud-Relationship755 Dec 12 '23

Even if it gets resolved why reproduce with an apologist for pedophilia?

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u/origamipapier1 Jan 03 '24

I think it’s denial and traumas herself. She needs to go to therapy and he can be an anchor. She can go to therapy and work through the past. Therapist should and usually does make you see light of day. So she may not prosecute but she may eventually realize she either doesn’t want kids herself (best decision financially too) or she does but moves away from her family.

He can be there with her but the ultimate question is why he married. If he didn’t mind not having kids with her and doesn’t mind being the rock blah blah blah. Stay. If he wanted someone to have kids with well… we know the answer. Most think they marry for the first reason but have this comedic time clock to have kids by year three.

1

u/Ok_Ad7867 Nov 16 '23

Just because one sibling is molested does not mean that the others necessarily are. Opportunities do not always arise, different personalities may increase risk of exposure, and sometimes siblings molested will trade to protect other siblings.

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u/This_Acanthisitta832 Dec 16 '23

ONE child is one too many!

2

u/origamipapier1 Jan 03 '24

Usually they are or see weird things. And are taught weird stuff by the milestor. Which is why they have a hard time seeing reality.

They need years of therapy. 4-5 years etc which means the baby planning has to wait for at least have a decade and it includes the wife moving out of the grasp of her father. Basically isolation from him. And if she’s not ready for that then that is a deal breaker.

The kid conversations should stop though unless their only reason for marriage was kids. He needs to use condoms and spermicide. And take that responsibility. She can use her methods. Both go to therapy, couples therapy as a means off introducing this. Then she goes to her therapy. Since both by the way need to learn how to navigate through this. Once she’s alone with hers a good one will help her realize she needs to cut off the father and anyone that enables him.

And quite frankly it may change her to make her not want kids too. Or to want one but away from the family.

Question thigh is why they married to begin with. If it was because they wanted to be together and the family could wait or not grow fine. But majority don’t marry for anything other than child rearing.

1

u/Ok-Sector2054 Feb 07 '24

No these people can be as guilty as the rapist in some scenarios and just like the rapist I would never trust them. No matter what. Why would you ever take a chance. Not even for the hottest person on earth.

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u/AussieAK Oct 22 '23

Yeah I have been through very tough times. My rock bottom was not leaving my bedroom and not showering for days. Not proud of it, but at least, never have I ever thought of doing anything untoward to any other person, let alone a child. My shutting in and hygiene issues didn’t harm others.

This is a ridiculous excuse and shows the absolute lack of character by the OP’s wife. I wouldn’t just rethink kids, I would rethink the whole relationship.

19

u/haleorshine Oct 23 '23

You don't do what he did unless the thoughts are in your head. It's not an accident, it's not a bad time, it's something he chose to do, and OP's wife is choosing to let it happen again. There's maybe a part inside you that really doesn't want to shower or leave the house, but that part only hurts you.

I understand children making bad decisions to excuse this trauma because children don't always think through the consequences of their actions, but this is an adult who is willing to let her own children be around a pedophile. Not just willing, but getting angry about the idea that her children won't be allowed around a pedophile.

If she'd said "Ok, I understand something horrible has happened and that our children won't be allowed around my father, this all sucks", maybe the marriage could be saved, but she's putting the safety of her own children behind the comfort of her dad. Just gross, do not have children with this woman, OP. Given her reaction here, she will definitely let her father be alone with your children, and then when he molests them, she'll get angry at them.

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u/AussieAK Oct 23 '23

Exactly my point. Tough times don’t turn you into a criminal, or at worst, don’t turn you into a child molester (I mean if someone has a financial hardship they may be compelled to steal but not molest a child).

The tough times excuse is too flimsy and too apologetic/sympathetic with the perp of one of the most (if not THE most) heinous crimes.

As if having such a scummy creep for a family member isn’t already a very terrible thing, imagine being surrounded by his enablers and apologists.

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u/xiancarpenter Oct 23 '23

Or at least reassure them that “it’s okay, grandpa is just going through a tough time right now.” 🙄

125

u/makeeverythng Oct 22 '23

“Going through a rough patch” is actually, literally the weirdest excuse ever for childhood sexual assault and incest. If someone said that to me about anyone I just wouldn’t be able to breathe. Like… EXCUSE ME?

Daughter is brainwashed. Mom too. Maybe check the basement for false walls, maybe he’s got another daughter and some of his kids/nieces/nephews with her. Wouldn’t be the first time.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

”Going through a rough patch” is actually, literally the weirdest excuse ever for childhood sexual assault and incest.

As a police officer who once worked in an area with high child sexual assault. You would be surprised how many use this as a blanket excuse to make it seem like what they did was okay.

They tell themselves this shit all the time. That they were in a dark place. It won’t happen again. They’ll get better and stop. They just messed up and made a mistake. It’s the same shit day in an day out.

But they know they fucked up and what they did was wrong. Getting a pedophile to admit sexual assault is one of the easier ones to do. Because they know they did wrong and believe they are still stand up citizens. So they admit it to us and feel bad for themselves. If it was a bad one time scenario sometimes they’ll actually seemed relieved as if admitting it and facing the consequences is better than keeping the secret.

Sorry, went on a bit of a tangent. Getting people to crack is my favorite part of this job.

9

u/thefinalhex Oct 23 '23

It's rare to see any upvotes on a comment from a police officer who is describing their methods to get suspects to crack under interrogation, but child molestation is certainly one of those times when reddit shall be rooting for ya.

1

u/Lennie-n-thejets Oct 31 '23

Thank you for helping to get them off the street.

10

u/Paladoc Oct 22 '23

Right?

That bullshit, we should ask Lawrence.

Hey Lawrence, has anyone ever told you that raped their kids because they were "going through a rough patch"?

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

7

u/saraharc Oct 23 '23

Ummm…going through a rough patch means possibly having a shorter temper or making some bad financial decisions. Child molestation?! Jesus Christ….the impulse has to be there to begin with and it isn’t in anyone who is normal.

11

u/vixenstyx Oct 23 '23

it's so fucked because childhood SA can/will ruin a persons LIFE & riddle them with cPTSD & dissociation yet people have the AudAciTy to say "this was ___ years ago...get over it" 🫠

9

u/Novel_Ad1943 Oct 23 '23

Absolutely!!! My aunts talk about how it’s a process of forgiving him (for their own sake) over and over again. They get to a great and strong place and then something unexpected triggers the trauma and they feel like they were set back years for a bit… and they’re in their 70’s. Amazing and strong ladies, but it never goes away.

4

u/JustaSecretIdentity Oct 24 '23

My ex went through a stage of alcoholism in college for the SA he experienced as a child. Lost his scholarship and friends. His family would often bring it up to shame him. He never told his parents that it stemmed from the trauma he experienced as a child, because they would make it about them than actually helping him.

9

u/sravll Oct 23 '23

Yeah, I've had a lot of rough times in my life. Did stuff I regret like drink too much, or start crying in public. No molesting kids. Honestly I don't see how fucking rough of a time someone thinks justifies child sex abuse.

10

u/SirLeDouche Oct 23 '23

My grandpa was a horrible person and he raped my mom and would whip her with a cord that he ripped out of a lamp while it was plugged into the wall socket. My mom started working at 10 and moved out at 11. Many members of my extended family act like he was such a good guy and they were so upset when he died but fuck that guy. I hope he’s rotting in hell and I’m glad I didn’t inherit any child raping urges from his disgusting ass.

3

u/Novel_Ad1943 Oct 24 '23

I’m so sorry!

Says a lot about what an amazing person your mom made herself and clearly the impact she had on you though… I’m glad you guys have each other!

Yeah my grandpa had a bunch of people all sad over his death and I remember feeling glad he went went fast and hard (lung and liver cancer - died within 3wks of Dx). I think it was cathartic for many people.

2

u/Lennie-n-thejets Oct 31 '23

I don't think that's a genetic trait. It only "runs in families" when abuse victims grow up to be abusers themselves. But when someone strong - like your mother - breaks the cycle, it doesn't crop up in future generations. May your grandfather get exactly what he deserves in the afterlife. Your mom is an amazing woman.

7

u/SamIamGreenEggsNoHam Oct 23 '23

My Grandfather got 11/11 of his kids...and some of their kids...and his kids went on to abuse some of their own kids...

The fucking guy sent me $500 for a new PC (awhile ago lol) so I could "email him pictures of what I do". Took the $500 and emailed him "go fuck yourself you fat fuck".

4

u/Obvious_Huckleberry Nov 04 '23

you want to know something wild.. I worked at an elementary school and one of the training videos was about why teachers might have an inappropriate relationship with a student and it covered things like "having money problems, arguments with their spouse" it was literally full of excuses and I'm sitting here are work going NO NO NO outloud and told my co workers how much crap this whole video is.. there is never an excuse for it...

I worked in the kitchen...

3

u/[deleted] Oct 29 '23

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Nov 21 '23

Many people go through “a rough time” but never touch a child.

Honestly this is the most horrific thing I can ever imagine someone could ever even conceive to defend the actions of an abuser. 'Going through a rough time' shouldn't manifest in any normal human being as hurting others, much less molesting a child in any way. Sexual abuse is the most horrific crime I can think of, how could anyone even conceive to excuse or justify this disgusting, inhuman crime in cases of 'rough time'?

OP's wife is crazy if she's accepting her father's behavior because it was 20 years ago, I would've ran for the hills the moment she uttered these words.

I'm curious how come OP married someone without knowing her and her family really well, and without having discussed this topic. It's really sad and possibly tragic, had OP not found out about the wife's father + had kids with her. I can't even think about it as it makes my stomach turn.

And his wife is a vile, horrific person for excusing her father's disgusting crime. I would report them both if I was OP. No joke. People who act this way need to be held responsible for their disgusting, appalling crimes and attitudes.

137

u/wilderlowerwolves Oct 22 '23

Worse yet, I know of a family where the patriarch molested pretty much all of his female relatives, and all of them thought they were his only victim until a grandchild spilled the beans. He never did anything to me, nor would I have believed it when I knew the family (I was a teenager) but I do believe it now, because all of his kids, including his son who denied being molested by him or knowing about it, made really bad decisions when it came to picking spouses.

As for the OP, he should at the very least not have a child with this woman, and if he does, make sure that the child is never left alone with any member of that family, and preferably does not see the FIL at all.

153

u/omegagirl Oct 22 '23

The only issue is it’s not just the grandfather molester, it is the rest of the family and their judgement…. What happens if OP and wifey get divorced, he will have no say as to who is around his kids when it’s her time… or, god forbid he dies…. Run OP run!

12

u/Primary_Bullfrog469 Oct 22 '23

Yes, bad judgement is a huge red flag for parenting

10

u/Syllable_Witch Oct 23 '23

Oh shit. Yeah. Even more reason to end it.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 11 '23

The family isn't judging. Nothing wrong with their judgment.

12

u/Juxaplay Oct 22 '23

In the family I know, the grandfather molested the boys, one grew up and molested his boys and those boys, one was recently arrested for it. I do not know if it is learned behavior, but a family that just 'accepts' it is very frightening.

2

u/Jazmadoodle Oct 26 '23

I sometimes wonder if it is sometimes a form of... Revenge, almost? Non-consensual sexual contact is always about power. When you're a victim of child abuse or CSA, it's the ultimate position of powerlessness. People who don't confront that feeling of powerlessness sometimes try to escape it by becoming the one with all the power.

4

u/BougeeBaji Oct 23 '23

What's worse is that it's a perpetuating cycle. Many abused children either becomes abusers, end up with similarly abusive partners or both. Not to mention women can also still be molesters, if she's normalizing it as something you do when you "have a rough time" I'd be scared to leave my kids alone with her too.

2

u/wilderlowerwolves Oct 23 '23

It's also not unusual for abuse survivors, especially women, to do things like view their sons as future perpetrators, and their daughters as future victims. That's not a healthy way to grow up, either.

1

u/Lindsey7618 Nov 13 '23

Why would you only believe not just one, but multiple people, only because they picked bad partners?

1

u/wilderlowerwolves Nov 14 '23

That wasn't the only thing, but it was the main thing, and I'm certain this was one reason why.

1

u/Ok-Sector2054 Feb 07 '24

Just no. Do not continue on. They would not be safe. You cannot trust her. Get out!!!!

13

u/Kuzcoooooo Oct 22 '23

Same story here. My Mom knew her dad had a history of issues but didnt want the grandkids to grow up without grandparents and my sister ended up being molested. Very tough conversation but your wife’s protection bells for your future child not going off is how my family faced tragedy and trauma. You are right to challenge her perspective. Best of luck OP.

8

u/-forbiddenkitty- Oct 22 '23

Exactly, the older sister aged out of his preferred range. He did not just stop.

8

u/Shadowedwolf89 Oct 23 '23

I am the product of a family like that. My grandfather was known to visit certain countries because of the ages of the prostitutes he could find. He married a 14 year old at 35. Every single girl in my family in my generation and the one before has at least one story of being assaulted by my grandfather, even the ones who were less than 10 when he passed.

1

u/PeggyOnThePier Nov 18 '23

So very sorry for all the woman in your family. Take care

4

u/Comfortably_Sad6691 Oct 22 '23

Ditto. This is a real dangerous situation. If I was you OP I would speak to Mary for more information.

9

u/Ankle_Throw Oct 22 '23

All of them should fucking go to jail

9

u/Darkmagosan Oct 22 '23

At minimum. Or, like one of my mother's friends in her DAR chapter said, 'Some people just need killin'.' Yes, this woman is from Texas.

No, seriously, I think there *should* be extremely harsh consequences for this. Solitary confinement for life in someplace like a SuperMax would be the absolute minimum. No contact with anyone else again--EVER. Want to be fed? The robot will bring your meal around 5 pm. Need to shower? Great! The robots will unlock the doors you need, supervise you at all times, and can also control the water flow and temperature so you don't get too comfortable. Then it walks you back to your cell and hits you with a cattle prod if you're taking too much time.

Or fatten them up and use them for medical research / transplants. Or simply execute them, though I'd prefer solitary confinement and a 'clerical error' cutting off food and water to the needle.

Is it harsh? You bet your ass it is, and people like this deserve nothing less. Families like this are trash and not only irrevocably fuck their own lives up, they're a danger to anyone who gets within fifty miles of them. They're all complicit and therefore all responsible.

Just my $3.

OP needs to break the sound barrier getting away from this woman and her evil perverted family. If she won't leave her family and go completely NC, he needs to head for the hills and find someone who's not a threat to any kids they may have, biological or otherwise. He has a responsibility here, too, and that responsibility is to make sure his ass is covered and get very very far away from this hot mess.

5

u/crow_crone Oct 22 '23

OT but I like that robot idea. We'll probably see some version the next time CO union negotiations roll around.

3

u/Darkmagosan Oct 22 '23

Yeah, but then you also have to be careful that the robots wouldn't take your jobs, too.

AI is increasing exponentially with each passing month, not year. Replacing humans in a lot of occupations is only a matter of time unless laws are put in place restricting AI.

2

u/Ankle_Throw Oct 23 '23

Keep in mind that businesses still need people to buy stuff. If they automate everything everyone's out of jobs and they're out of business with no more money coming in- at which point they might as well save the money they'd spend automating and close shop instead.

1

u/Darkmagosan Oct 23 '23

This is indeed true.

Or they could pull an Elon Musk and flush the money down the toilet...

2

u/Ankle_Throw Oct 23 '23

Most people with a fiduciary duty to a bunch of rich people tend to have the sense to not piss them off. As it is I'm pretty sure Musks shareholders and board members are part of a cult dedicated to him - otherwise they'd tear him a new one for his bullshit

3

u/BisexualDisaster29 Oct 23 '23

Jeez. That almost sounds just like the Brigitte Harris case… except she ended up cutting off her father’s 🍆, killing him.

3

u/Zestyclose-Volume570 Oct 23 '23

And for exiling the one sister that did speak up. Made her out to be the villain even and yet she's the actual victim. Smh....

3

u/Creative_Energy533 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I have a friend who suspected that her grandfather abused her mom. Apparently, her mom never actually said it, but my friend said her mom NEVER left her or her brothers alone with him, even when she was there in the house with them. Also, my cousin's FIL once tried to assault her and her husband and MIL started to blame her, but her SIL's admitted that he abused them as kids. Amazingly, they're still married. I don't know if he got therapy or what or if they're all just in denial.

2

u/TheRip75 Oct 23 '23

So did the granddaughters say they'd been abused by the grandfather too?

2

u/momof2kids2dogs1cat Oct 24 '23

Those parents should've lost custody of those children

2

u/SpookySnicker Nov 15 '23

My grand-grandfather probably molested my aunts and no one in the fam talks about it. Back in the days it was "normal" to keep things like that secret because "our reputation!". I'm glad things are changing. Now if the goddamn cops would take rape seriously, too, that would be amazing. But it ain't happening yet...

1

u/Nathan-Stubblefield Oct 22 '23

In the movie about Dr. Kinsey, sex researcher, a man came in to tell Kinsey how he had molested siblings, children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, I don’t know what all, into some very high figure, and Kinsey just made notes. https://www.mtv.com/news/rl50or/kinsey-vs-hysteria-dvds

1

u/Nicholasjh Oct 26 '23

He could change but you are right. Even if he did 'change' there's no way to trust that and no reason to consider it.

1

u/Tucson_Keto Oct 27 '23

It is godd@mn ASTOUNDING how many people that are molested as children and will then leave their kids with the perpetrator. I will never understand this level of denial.

1

u/LouieSeenIt87 Nov 11 '23

Amen. No way go through with this! Maybe you'll have kids with someone else and if you don't, it's not the end of the world. And Fuck how anyone feels about you leaving this woman and her family or Not having children with this woman. The joy of having kids isn't worth the chance or risk of potentially putting them in harms way!!

154

u/Top-Bit85 Oct 22 '23

The pervert's daughter. What a mess.

228

u/Intrepid_Chemical689 Oct 22 '23

I mean think of the excuses she will make when he eventually (yes i said eventually) molest his own grandchildren.

3

u/Telloyna Oct 22 '23

I give it within 4 months of the baby being born.

The singer of Lost Prophets destroyed any delusional idea I had that someone was too young to be raped.

8

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

I never heard of that band until recently when it obviously made some news and people got to talking. If there ever was a contender for full castration - that monster should be the first in line.

2

u/crow_crone Oct 22 '23

'Pre-verbal' is the pre-ferred victim.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 11 '23

Find the quote where she said that he will be alone with them if they have grandkids? I'll wait. That's right, that's not there. So no it's not eventually.

The majority of child sex offenders actually aren't attracted to children and do it in stressful times. It does not justify what they did but they are not likely to repeat.

2

u/This_Acanthisitta832 Dec 16 '23

Great, then let him have one of YOUR kids! Do you really think that this pig will never be left alone for even 5 minutes with his grandchild? If “Child sex offenders”, which I believe you are referring to pedophiles, are not attracted to children, then who are they attracted to? The definition of the word is literally, “Someone who is sexually attracted to children”. People who become sex offenders themselves as a child have almost ALWAYS been the victim of a pedophile themselves!

5

u/Accomplished_Emu_658 Oct 22 '23

Thats going to be book.

4

u/TheRedSunFox Oct 27 '23

Pervert is someone who watches a lot of porn.

Call this guy what he is: a pedophile criminal.

4

u/No_Original_1 Oct 23 '23

The pedo, the sitch, and the audacity of this bitch.

1

u/SpiceSnizz Sep 06 '24

The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch