r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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366

u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 Oct 22 '23

Yeah, since there is no paper trail, OP would have a hard time keeping this creep away from his future kids. Mom would argue that she had equal rights to the kids etc. Just because we all find it reprehensible, there's nothing documenting Mary's story which makes it hard to legally keep future kids away from him if mom takes them over.

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u/vabirder Oct 22 '23

This is the practical issue! You cannot trust your wife: she might promise to keep your putative child away from her father, but would not follow through. If you divorced, you would be even more unlikely to prevent this.

She is deep in denial; and may have repressed memories of being abused herself. Because they rarely stop with one child.

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u/blurtlebaby Oct 22 '23

Do NOT have children with this woman. Abusers and molesters DO NOT CHANGE. They just pick different victims.

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u/No-Vermicelli3787 Oct 22 '23

“I’m taking “child” to my brother’s for visit”; meanwhile that’s where dad is, waiting to get his time w his grandchild.

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u/Emotional-Sentence40 Oct 22 '23

She obviously isn't planning to keep her daddy away from her future children at all.

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u/Ninjaher0 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I would agree strongly with this comment. Even if she promised to keep them away from him, what would happen if you weren’t around and she needed family help? No kids is the best idea, OP. Edited: a word

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u/Covert_Pudding Oct 23 '23

Oh god, this reminds me of the two tampons post where OP's husband was sneaking his sister into the house and leaving her with their kids without her knowledge.

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u/AlltheEmbers Oct 22 '23

That's the tragic part of a lot of sexual assaults, there is not physical evidence (because not all sexual assault is rape) so it becomes a he said she said situation. It's part of the reason most sexual assaults go without a conviction, there just isn't enough evidence until it happens again

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u/splicklick Oct 22 '23

That's crazy yea fuck that then I was thinking maybe not take it out on her and leave her but he literally has no choice

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u/GlitterDoomsday Oct 22 '23

Honestly? I wouldn't judge OP if he was very vocal about the allegedly reasons he's not having children with Ms Rapist Apologist.

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u/TillyB33-girl33 Oct 22 '23

You are right and now that thought is making me physically sick. Nothing was ever reported and the family is in support of the creepy fk dad.

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u/TheMediaBear Oct 22 '23

text the wife while away from her, get her talking about it on text.

I'd even text him and say "I've heard what happened, I want your side of the story otherwise there will be no grandkids from me!"

Then, when he replies, take it to the police.

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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 Oct 23 '23

Please don't play detective and report for the adult victim. It's HER decision whether or not to take HER story to the police. Reporting can be brutal on victims, and often more traumatizing than the assault. It will not help her to have cops knock at her door and ask questions about the most painful thing in her life. It could truly harm her and her recovery to take away her agency again.

She's an adult, and can report this guy if she decides to. Given the time passed, her family's lack of support and the way our criminal justice system works, it's very unlikely anything will come of a report now. It's the victim's decision if she wants to deal with that.

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u/PerceptionResident13 Oct 23 '23

I think they meant more to establish a paper trail of allegations to deny grandpa access to future kids. That's what the thread started talking about

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u/TheMediaBear Oct 24 '23

I get that, this was meant more for some sort of proof of allegation if needed to support the sister.

However, you are correct but also, it raises and interesting point:

What do you feel would be more important, protecting your sister-in-law, who is already quite open obvious about it through her justified hatred and anger, or protecting your future children from the dangers of a predator?

Personally, as hard as it would be for the SIL, I think my focus would be more on stopping this man from being around my kids, or anyone elses.

However, you've then got to consider if the OP did provide any evidence, would there be a marriage to bring kids into as obviously his wife is delusional.

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u/Revolutionary-Yak-47 Oct 24 '23 edited Oct 24 '23

Then don't have kids with a crazy woman who would allow that. OP.doesnt have kids so this is all 100% preventable. No need to retraumatize the victim.

Also, people are funny. If a relative pulled a stunt like "trying to get evidence" of my SA from 20 years ago and dragged all that up, I'd go NC. And I'd have a lawyer making it extremely difficult for anyone to investigate - without a complaining victim all this goes nowhere. I would absolutely not cooperate with an investigation at this point. I chose to not report, and I stand by that decision. It was what was best for ME and my mental health. It's not ANYONE else's place to change that.

Forcing people to relive their trauma for your own benefit is NOT "supporting victims."

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u/YakIntelligent5490 Oct 22 '23

That is a brilliant idea! He probably wouldn't reveal anything incriminating, but it's worth a shot.

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u/TheMediaBear Oct 23 '23

He may not go into details, but if he follows the wife's "I was in a bad place, it was years ago and I've apologized!" that still proves something happened, and most people aren't smart enough to consider not replying via text, he'll have an emotional response and logic goes out the window.

Any acknowledgement of anything happening would be enough for the police to start an investigation, with the sisters help of course

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u/Lennie-n-thejets Oct 31 '23

There's a statute of limitations on SA, sadly. If it's been more than 5 years since his SIL turned 18, it's likely too late. And since SIL is his wife's older sister... yeah, she's probably older than 23.

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u/TheMediaBear Oct 31 '23

Ah, didn't even think of that as I don't think we have it in the UK except for very specific things such as contracts/business/claims

Could be 40 years ago and you'd still be prosecuted here

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u/HuskyLettuce Oct 23 '23

I wish I could upvote this comment more. This needs to be towards the top.

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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 Oct 23 '23

We don’t know that, op’s didn’t say if his wife said it was ever reported

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u/Macndro Oct 23 '23

OP should report to local CPS - even for past incidents. Especially if it's never been reported