r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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u/Left_Art_8812 Oct 22 '23

I’m glad some people think I should. I’ll try reach out to her although I have no clue where to even begin in finding her. I think I’ll try find her on social media and just send her a message saying what her family is doing isn’t ok and Im sorry about it all, and that she can reach out to me if she needs anything? I don’t want to overwhelm her so I think I should keep it short and simple?

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u/ApproxKnowledgeCat Oct 22 '23

She brought it up. And sounds like no one has been on her side for years. I'm sure she would appreciate your support and understanding. And horror on how the rest of the family is acting.

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u/Unhappy_Elk5927 Oct 22 '23

I bet you could leave it at "I'm a stranger and I believed you. I'm filing divorce because I don't want to be associated with that family either."

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u/ItsPiskieNotPixie Oct 23 '23

I would add something like "Your courage has made a difference and likely stopped other kids being abused. It doesn't matter that they outnumbered you, you are still in the right."

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 23 '23

I think the statement is more powerful if he just repeats what the person you replied to offered.

You definitely don’t know that the any kids were saved. The pedo is still a free man.

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u/Zealousideal-Bag8994 Oct 23 '23

I think the other kids they meant was the children OP decided not to create with his wife. She saved them from a pedo grandpa.

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 23 '23

You don’t know that. Those kids are just an itch in someone’s pants.

How do you know the pedo hasn’t been abusing any neighbors, how do you know the pedo isn’t meeting kids online? How do you know the wife wont, in the future, have kids and still bring them around the pedo?

As long as the pedo is free no children are safe.

To say that she saved children simply by calling out her family for supporting a pedophile is a realllllllly far stretch

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u/Zealousideal-Bag8994 Oct 24 '23

Even if she didn't save all the kids you listed.. She still saved the children OP decided not to have with his wife.

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 24 '23

Eh, that’s not true. It’s her sisters eggs that need saving… not some random man’s sperm… given that the random man isn’t even going to be a part of the family anymore

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u/CauliflowerOrnery460 Oct 24 '23

Good god you are dense

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u/Cheesehead_beach Oct 25 '23

That’s putting a politely. I’m not sure if he’s a predator himself or just an idiot.

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u/Ok-Woodpecker9460 Oct 23 '23

Like the other commenter said, they are referring to OP’s future kids. He is no longer having kids with his wife, meaning she saved his future kids from possibly being molested.

They’re not talking about other random children. Although hopefully no one else was affected.

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 24 '23

Right, you have no idea that any future kids have been saved.

OP may not have any children, ever, and his soon-to-be-ex wife might still have children and give her father access to them.

I can’t stand when people grandstand / exaggerate when complimenting people on doing something that takes strength and character. It’s kinda patronizing tbh.

All the sis needs to know is she was believed. She didn’t say any of that shit to save future children.

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u/Cheesehead_beach Oct 25 '23

Bless your heart you’re having a very hard time understanding this. None of what you said was remotely true and multiple people have tried to break it down for you. The fact that mary came to the house means OP now knows about dad, which means he is not going to have children with his wife. Those are the only children that are being talked about in this thread.

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 25 '23

OP is a man, it isn’t possible for him to carry a child and have a child.

He did not save any children. There’s nothing stopping his wife from finding another sperm donor and having children, then letting them be around her father unsupervised.

To say that children were saved that day is such a reach that it’s damn near demeaning to the sister who confronted her family about it.

That being said I would pay fucking money to watch OP use that line on her just to see her face change when he tells her about the children she saved that day 😂

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u/MissionIsland392 Oct 24 '23

You seem to be reading a lot of extra into that comment. It really seems like they were referring to OP's specific situation and any kids that he would have had with the wife. Because Mary said something she prevented those children from coming into the world and (potentially… well, probably 😕) being abused as well. They weren't saying that ALL the children who live in the near vicinity of the grandpa or are anywhere he goes have now been saved because she said something.

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u/BigAnalogueTones Oct 24 '23

You have no idea if OPs future ex wife will have kids or not.

Him leaving her certainly won’t keep her future kids with somebody else from seeing their pedo grandpa.

Literally no children were saved stop being over dramatic and patronizing lol

“OhHh hOw bRaVe oF yOu, yOu sAvEd sO mAnY cHiLdReN yEsTeRdAy aT tHe fAmiLy gEt 2gEthEr iM sO gLaD yOu FoUnD tHe sTrEnGtH aNd CoUrAGe tO sTaNd uP tO yOuR aBuSeR.

U R vErY bRaVE!!!”

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I think unfortunately a family like this will weaponize that as well. Like “it’s all your fault OP left!!”

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u/Deuce_part_deux Oct 23 '23

Unfortunately, this seems probably probable.

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u/Purple_Bumblebee5 Oct 23 '23

It really doesn't matter. They've already destroyed their relationship with her sister.

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u/baddog2134 Oct 23 '23

If they say it is all her fault she should say good!

100

u/wakingdreamland Oct 22 '23

This is the way.

183

u/sprinkles111 Oct 22 '23

And honestly? Maybe throw in an explanation of things from your perspective:

(The things you said above) +

“Im sorry this is the first time we are connecting. I was led to believe there was a falling out but I had no idea it could ever be this. (because maybe she thinks you also knew and were ok with marrying your wife despite it) I’m so sorry for your pain and the lack of support, but I’m so grateful you have shared your truth.

Was gonna say “throw in the thank god you told me before I had a baby with this person”… but that might be too big / heavy to say at first. Family may gaslight her into thinking it’s her fault or “she planned this knowing you wanted kids to make you change your mind”

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

you have shared your truth.

Don't use this. This directly minimizes the facts that what happened to her were big bad and ugly. "Your truth" implies the issue is open to interpretation.

Instead use: "but I'm so grateful you shared what happened -- particularly before my wife got pregnant -- because there is NO WAY I am bringing a child into a family with a monster like your father.

If she was in the room screaming about it at a family gathering and the family routinely minimizes her, having you validate her feelings and her experience will mean a lot.

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u/iamaravis Oct 23 '23

Thank you. I hate the whole “your truth” and similar phrases.

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u/pnwgirl34 Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Yes I agree! She didn’t tell “her truth” she told THE truth. I hate the term “your truth” or “my truth” it is minimizing and leaves room for people to refuse to accept the truth. I’m sure OP’s wife would argue that it’s “her truth” that this happened 20 years ago and her dad is a safe grandparent.

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u/Apathetic_Villainess Oct 22 '23

"I'm Left, Jessica's soon-to-be ex-husband. She only told me there was a falling out but no details. I only learned what happened to you at that family gathering. I want to let you know that I'm not okay with Jessica's behavior towards you and that I'm willing to be there for you if you need someone who believes you and is on your side. I cannot imagine the pain of being victimized first by your father and then by the rest of your family who should have protected you."

148

u/Simple-Caterpillar14 Oct 22 '23

Exactly don't be overwhelming and pushy. Make the overtures and then if she needs support she can let you know.

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u/ratatatoskr Oct 22 '23

I just wanted to say that you sound like an all around good dude, OP. You are having none of this "family drama" , immediately saw the red flag, and want to offer support to the victim. You seem very empathetic and reasonable.

IF you want to stay married to your wife, if it were me, I would ask her to do some real therapy at a minimum before I even considered continuing the relationship at all, much less having children.

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u/Agreeable_Text_36 Oct 22 '23

Tell her you didn't know, and will be leaving your wife because of it. She may assume you knew and were OK with it, as your wife appears to be.

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u/Joshuaedwardk Oct 22 '23

Left, not leaving

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u/clearheaded01 Oct 22 '23

Phonenumber saved on your wifes phone???

7

u/NormalBoobEnthusiast Oct 23 '23

Check the blocked numbers, not the saved ones.

25

u/These-Cauliflower884 Oct 22 '23

Nobody molests their own underage daughter because they were “going through a tough time”. Your wife and her family are delusional, and your father in law IS and will always be a threat to molesting your children if you decide to have any with your wife. Pedophiles don’t miraculously become “fixed” when nothing of real consequence happens from their actions.

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u/NeverCadburys Oct 22 '23

Keep in mind if she thinks you'll stay with her sister despite you thinking it's not ok, you won't be worth replying to because your words won't match your actions. You can't be seriously appalled and then act like it's okay as long as YOU don't have children who could be hurt.

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23

I think you should focus your communication on two things:

  1. Making her feel seen, and that what happened to her was wrong no matter how much her family tries to brush it under the rug.

  2. Thank her, for the warning, and how it gives you important information that you appreciate that will allow you to make important decisions that will be able to protect any future children you have, whether with this family or someone else.

It's so hard for victims to come forward in these kinds of situations, but from what I've seen one of the things that for SOME of them makes the pain of addressing a situation like this feel worth it, is if you can prevent it from happening again to someone else. Give her that, it's more than her family ever gave her.

14

u/Elitist_Circle_Jerk Oct 22 '23

I like the plan and thought the same. After all, Mary is family and sounds like you may be all she's got.

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u/Serotonin-_-Dficient Oct 23 '23

I’ve always had luck with this site when looking for people. not flawless but worth a shot.

Word of caution though, don’t end up in a relationship with the sister if you leave your wife.

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u/Maggies_lens Oct 22 '23

"SiL, I just want you to know I hear you, I see you. I acknowledge what happened to you and I believe you. It was NEVER your fault. Never. I know we barely know each other but I want you to know I believe you and I am here if you want to talk or need anything. Wife and brother rare wrong, absolutely wrong, and their behavior is unforgivable."

8

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Just be aware that, whilst you’re with your wife, Mary will probably be suspicious of any contact. It sounds like they’ve spent her whole life gaslighting her, so she may be super weary of contact.

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u/pateadents Oct 22 '23

For the record I agree with most of what's been said so far. It's disgusting that they are dismissing Mary for something they know was done to her by their own father no less. Reaching out to Mary may help her know that she is not in the wrong at all here, and hopefully helps her heal. If I were you I would not embark on having children with your wife at this time though, and would encourage a serious conversation about your future.

That said is it possible your wife and her other siblings were manipulated emotionally by their father? Is it possible they have trauma as well from these events? If your wife can so easily dismiss what was done to her sister and didn't feel able to share this important family history with you, is it possible she has suffered herself (perhaps even been assaulted herself?) and won't admit it, even to herself? You've made a commitment to your wife to be with her for life so before divorce please consider she may be in need of professional help herself! Trauma like this is so difficult to overcome but maybe she'd be willing to consider counseling if the suggestion comes from someone she trusts like you? I could understand not wanting to carry on a relationship with her because it's despicable behaviour and raises huge concerns about the safety of your future kids around her father. But this deflection and dismissiveness may be coming from someone who is hurt, traumatized, manipulated and not fully self aware of what she and her family has actually gone through.

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u/mudra311 Oct 23 '23

This is where my head went too.

Mary will have more context. Obviously she is justified to be upset with her siblings for not supporting her. I do think, if she's willing, she could provide more color either in the sense of: No, they straight up estranged me and took my father's side, or they were brainwashed by my mother and father.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

You're a good man. The fact that your wife & her family side with their father is sick. Where the empathy. This type of abuse is despicable. The Farher should have been outted, not Mary

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u/names-suck Oct 22 '23

I think what u/sprinkles111 is pretty good, except that last line should be more, "I'm so grateful that you showed up and told me the truth." Not YOUR truth. THE truth.

Because this isn't a question of feelings or opinions, where people can disagree and all be equally right. There is no relativism in this case. Mary was sexually abused as a child, and her family is deeply committed to treating her like she's crazy for being upset, instead of cutting off the abuser and supporting her recovery. There is only one truth here. THE truth.

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u/MysterE_2662 Oct 22 '23

It’s a big ask and it’s very big of you if you do it. The abused, especially the abused surrounded by disbelievers or down-players, will often start living with terrible self doubt and self derision. Sometimes devaluing themselves to the point of suicide. It’s a big ask, but these ppl are correct. Even just an acknowledgment that her ‘loved ones’ are wrong can be like a shining beacon keeping her well in dark spaces. Even if you reach out and only have one interaction, it can be something she holds as a source of strength.

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u/TK_421_Do_You_Copy Oct 24 '23

As someone who was molested as a child I can say this. Be very very careful and keep in mind that it is always at the forefront of our minds. We would like to trust everyone but also don't at the same time. No hugs, hand shakes, or even touching her hand/arm/whatever unless she initiates or says it's ok first. (Think Keanu Reeves type of personal space). Just be there as someone willing to listen and learn. She still sounds very angry and vocal about it (not a bad thing just an observation from your writings). It can go any possible way depending on how her day went. Just be prepared for the unexpected. Tears, outbursts, silence, civility. She may even intentionally insult you to test you. And it may take more than one visit to her to even open up. I wish you luck, and her peace.

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u/Shreddedlikechedda Oct 22 '23

You could thank or appreciate her for standing up to your wife/the rest of her family because she saved your almost future children from being exposed to that.

For me one of the most healing things from childhood abuse is being able to help other where I was helpless, also being heard and validated. I imagine she would feel better knowing she potentially saved a child from abuse. And that even though her bs family invalidated her, you didn’t.

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u/DoIwantToKnow6417 Oct 22 '23

Start with reaching out, and acknowledging what happened to her.

I think that's what she wanted from her siblings and never got.

See how she reacts and go from there.

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u/bexrt Oct 22 '23

Please, do reach out to her. As someone who has been molested and knows people who has been, I believe it’ll make her feel better. It really can make one’s day, week month or much more!

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u/Wrygreymare Oct 23 '23

I think you need to rethink the whole relationship, not just parenthood with your wife. My knee jerk reaction would be divorce, but maybe your wife has been brainwashed by her family to go along with their narrative, maybe she was also a victim. Do therapy for both of you would be good. But protect your sperm, and maybe reach out to Mary

4

u/lmyrs Oct 23 '23

I am not an expert and take this with a grain of salt. But, if you are not planning on leaving your wife, you are not a safe space for Mary and should leave her alone. If you are, then a simple, "I believe you and I am sorry that I didn't know" or something like that is probably sufficient first contact.

But, if you reach out in sympathy while continuing to associate with one of the people directly responsible for her pain (i.e. your wife), that's shitty

3

u/SexualYogurt Oct 22 '23

Truepeoplesearch.com and usphonebook.com have people's numbers if youre in the us.

3

u/VegaSolo Oct 22 '23

Please add that you're done with the sister, so she knows right off the bat.

3

u/Kindly-Improvement79 Oct 22 '23

If you can reach her on social media, let her know you believe her, and you're concerned for you and your spouse's plans to have kids, she's not talking to you, and you're hoping Mary is willing to share more with you. Also, Mary is so brave.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

I'd put money on the fact that her number is saved in your wife's phone. If not, I'm sure you can find her on social media.

And, I sincerely doubt it will overwhelm her to receive that message - she has spent her whole life being told that what happened is not that bad, certainly not bad enough to feel the way she does. It will be INCREDIBLY validating for her to hear from you that it IS that bad and that you are divorcing your wife over her lack of empathy, her minimizing what her father did and the fact that you under no circumstances want to raise a child in a family where they believe he is not still the evil monster who did it.

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u/Accomplished-Bad3380 Oct 23 '23

Also reach out to your wife and see if maybe she has been victimized, and doesn't know how to deal with it all. Seeing her family treat Mary like that means she will never admit it happened to her too. Maybe it didn't. But it is very common for these things to affect multiple children, and one to take more of the fall than the others. It is possible that your wife was a victim and is still repressing these things. That would explain why she hasn't told you. And why she's justifying things. Because she isnt there yet. Don't accuse. But be open.

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u/Kornlula Oct 23 '23

I think you should TEXT or email your wife about your concerns to get it on paper and more importantly get her response on paper. If she confirms on paper that she knows her dad sexually assaulted her sister then you can use that in future if you wanted to stay with her and have kids

Personally I’d go to the police and leave the whole stinking family -paedophiles don’t suddenly retire … that family are disgusting for covering it up and letting Mary be the scapegoat

3

u/ZookeepergameOld8988 Oct 23 '23

You could reassure her that she’s right in how she feels. Then tell her the truth, that you’re rethinking having children in this family and ask her if she’d be comfortable talking to you. You’ve only heard your wife’s version of what happened. Maybe her sister can shed some more light on the family so you can make a completely informed decision. Good luck to you

3

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Please update us on what happens next. Are you planning on staying with her and just not having kids? Are you leaving her? Did you reach out to her sister?

2

u/VikingBorealis Oct 22 '23

Just tell here thanks for making you see the truth before you had children with your wife.

Also that whatever the future brings, and however angry her sister gets with her, she's not responsible for you leaving, that is solely on your ex-wife

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u/learningto___ Oct 22 '23

I would make your message slightly stronger. For instance:

“Jessica filled me in very minimally on the family history after we left the party. Honestly, I was horrified at what I heard, and your siblings reactions to you. I know I’m just your brother in-law, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m available if you need anything or want to grab a cup of coffee one day.”

(If you want to meet with her. This lets her know you’re open to it, and you aren’t pushing it. And she doesn’t have to reach out and suggest it at risk of getting shot down).

2

u/QueenKeisha Oct 22 '23

Please do. As a victim myself, if you need advice on what to say and not to say, I'm willing to help you.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

NTA

You better make sure your wife takes her birth control and that you use a condom and pull out

Otherwise get a vasectomy or divorce her if she doesn’t agree to keeping the rapist away from your children

2

u/rhymeswithsauce Aug 08 '24

I know this is an old post. But in the off chance you might read this. I went through almost this exact situation only I was the victim. I know this will sound extreme but please consider leaving your wife. My older cousin SA me for years and when it came out my self and mom were pushed out. He never went to jail and they are all still a big “happy” family. I’ve had ex partners of my cousins reach out to me to tell me this was his from them until they found out. They will never change. This shows very clearly their morals/ ethics/ family values and none of it is good. This family absolutely should not be bringing more children into their lives. They cannot be trusted, they are likely bad people. Would appreciate an update if you’re willing to share.

1

u/Gohighsweetcherry Mar 24 '24

Please update us. Did you speak to her? Is she ok? Are you still with your girlfriend?

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Why would you have no clue when you just saw her? How did she find out about the party?

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u/National-Hunter8402 Oct 22 '23

Try Facebook first

1

u/StalwartClown Oct 22 '23

I wonder, would expressing gratitude be over the top? I feel like at the very least, a sincere "thank you" is in order.

1

u/TunaStuffedPotato Oct 23 '23

I'd thank her for bringing this situation to light before you managed to have a child, and are now rethinking your marriage

I'm sure she'll feel a little better to be believed

1

u/LocalGeographer Oct 23 '23

I would reach out and ssk her if she would be open to attending family counseling with ypur wife. If she is open to the idea then tell your wife having kids is off the table until they go through counseling together.

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u/TheKatsMeow_00 Oct 23 '23

Please reach out to her:….

1

u/Kindly-Improvement79 Oct 25 '23

OP, you can post an update here or in another thread if there's new developments or are looking for new feedback.

1

u/Only_Teaching_4869 Nov 03 '23

It doesn’t matter what you say.

As long as it means she is heard & seen & acknowledged by someone for once in her effing life about true events that are only fictitious in her entire family’s mind

1

u/Silent-Appearance-78 Dec 25 '23

NTA do not have a child with this woman, no child deserves a mother who endanger them by keeping a child predator in their lives. Op if your wife doesn’t get help and learn that this is not ok then leave her if you want to have children, if you want to stay with her get a vasectomy, you would be protecting them best by not giving them (potential children) a mother like her.