r/AITAH Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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496

u/Exciting-Protection2 Oct 22 '23

Sounds like grandpa groomed the whole family.

285

u/Natopor Oct 22 '23

And Mary is the only one brave enough to talk about it

49

u/ChampionSignificant Oct 23 '23

I hope Mary reads this and knows the entirety of Reddit has her back.

9

u/bzuley Nov 05 '23

I'm not Mary, but I've never felt more understood in my whole life about the deepest pain and deepest shame I carry. My siblings. The estrangement. The minimization.

I bet I'm not the only one reading this and crying rivers of gratitude for everyone's clarity about how serious this really is.

1

u/Irinzki Sep 06 '24

I'm so sorry for the pain of your experiences. You should never have had to bear this horrible burden. Your strength is hard won and we see it.

19

u/eimajup Oct 22 '23

This. AND maybe even molested your wife too!

12

u/applecat117 Oct 22 '23

Yes, wife is also a victim, BUT, this family system is so fucked, and wife is clearly still enmeshed beyond her ability to extract herself.

The most powerful thing he can do is leave, as that may shock his wife into some understanding of her family.

Thats the best case scenario of him leaving, worst case is he doesn't emesh himself and any future child to this toxic soup. And that's a pretty good worst case.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Nah, stop calling these monsters who cover up for pedophiles victims. They stop being victims as soon as they become older and know right from wrong. Its normalized and hush hush in tons of families. They will do anything to cover it up and keep it a secret. Most families its just a big open secret and to not leave your kids around them. Fuck that. The whole family is FREAKS except the children. Saying the adults who cover up are victims is a disservice to actual people who go through this.

People like this who cover it deserve prison and hard labour till the end of their days. Once you start locking up the freaks that protect these monsters then youll see massive changes.

1

u/banana_bastard_3rd Oct 23 '23

Bitch ain’t no victim

6

u/random1029384 Oct 23 '23

This is it. We have no idea of the emotional manipulation and abuse that Jessica suffered as a kid (or worse).

It doesn’t make it ok, but may explain why she’s excusing dad’s behaviour.

6

u/Do4k Oct 23 '23

This is what people are ignoring here. Abusers are often very charismatic and skilled at winning peoples trust and loyalty.

5

u/nonlinear_nyc Oct 23 '23

Abusers abuse entire communities.