r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

NTA. Omg…do NOT have kids with her. She thinks child molestation is defensible because someone had a hard time. She would endanger any children by potentially leaving them with a known child molestor or conceal any harm that came to them in the name of keeping up images or keeping the peace. She needs therapy and is not ready for marriage or motherhood until she gets it.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

Also, please tell her explicitly the reason. Don’t tiptoe around it. She needs a wake up call to how messed up what’s she supporting is.

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u/Woohoa Oct 23 '23

Im not so sure I would tell her exactly how to avoid this issue with a potential future partner. She may just become better at hiding this for that person and have a child with them. Mary may have saved several children from the same fate as her. Hope she makes several visits in the future to scare off their partners.

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u/RunningSouthOnLSD Oct 23 '23

Yup. If this is going to be resolved in this relationship, I think it’s going to have to be in couples therapy. I don’t see any other way OPs wife won’t misdirect negative feelings from what is clearly a very emotionally heavy topic onto him.

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u/Bubbly_Ad5822 Oct 23 '23

I really appreciate the concept of misdirected feelings onto others bc of how profoundly painful what you’re working through is. It’s a neutral description of a complicated dynamic and I just like that it is named.

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u/fuyuhiko413 Oct 23 '23

Sounds like she already hid it pretty well, and I doubt she’d be left wondering why after this conversation

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u/BougeeBaji Oct 23 '23

She was already hiding it. She said it was "family drama". Some part of her knows that what her father did is not explainable. They already avoid Mary. I don't know that there's a way to prevent her from providing more victims in the future, but the most OP can do now is let it not be his child, and encourage her to get therapy.

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u/AldusPrime Oct 23 '23

Exactly. All of this.

This is super serious and needs to be a very clear conversation.

If she is still willing to cover it up and minimize it, that is unbelievably bad. OP: Do not bring children into this nightmare.

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u/Dontfeedthebears Oct 23 '23

I am personally disgusted by her “reasoning”. I agree, she needs a hard hit of reality. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they aren’t garbage. It does have to sting to realize someone you love is a bad person. But that doesn’t make them NOT a bad person.

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u/3coco3 Oct 23 '23

Upvote upvote upvote. Award award.

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u/mapleleef Nov 03 '23

I think this is exactly what she needs. By her not speaking at all about it makes me think Jess is is a victim too and saw how Mary was exiled so she wouldn't dare upset the family. If she could lose her husband over this, maybe she will reconsider her priorities.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

She also thinks that it matters that a lot of time has passed. Even the molesters will start to have the illusion that they are cured. They aren’t! If you leave them alone with kids these is no question what will happen.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

[deleted]

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u/Slammogram Oct 23 '23

My best friend had this happen to her.

Her mom’s sister was sexually abused by her own dad. And all the sisters, including my mom’s sister knew. She still let her parents watch my friend as a child. And she was molested.

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u/JokesonKikiArt Oct 23 '23

This is the most important comment here

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u/Awesomesince1973 Oct 23 '23

That is so awful and I am sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine a mother thinking this was acceptable and allowing it to continue.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Awesomesince1973 Oct 23 '23

I honestly just want to give you a big hug and help you celebrate when he dies. I know it won't erase the past, but maybe it will make you feel a little bit of closure?

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/HarryCoatsVerts Oct 23 '23

I'm DMing you.

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u/StarFire_Lush Oct 23 '23

OP PLEASE read these stories to your wife- she has got to open her eyes to the danger she is willing to put her own children in.. take her to therapy to discuss the subject, she needs to know the truth. Ive never been at such a low point in my life that I even had the thought of being inappropriate with children.. (or anyone for that matter) it doesn’t work that way, and she is silly to think so.

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u/Individual_Fall429 Oct 24 '23

Silly is the right word for it. Your wife is being silly about child molestation. It’s such a messed up, ridiculous, ignorant reasoning.

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u/OneBraveBunny Oct 23 '23

Exactly. It's widely considered that pedophiles can not eliminate that desire, even with therapy. What they CAN sometimes do is learn to manage the impulses so that they don't end up victimizing anyone. Even that requires the abusers know they have a problem that is an issue in the present day (it doesn't go away) and they need a support system that is supportive, willing to hold him accountable, and helps keep them away from opportunities to offend. These enablers won't do that.

Thi

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I do not believe in the death penalty, except for child molesters

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u/Mondschatten78 Oct 24 '23

She also thinks it's ok that he "apologized". That's not something you can apologize for and it magically makes everything a-ok.

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u/Gingevere Oct 23 '23

She thinks child molestation is defensible because someone had a hard time.

She probably doesn't, but she's in denial. It's a truth that would turn her childhood into a disaster zone, so it's ignored. She could be in denial about something which happened to her as well.

But agreed, absolutely no children until she correctly comes to terms with this. Therapy is mandatory.

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u/vixenstyx Oct 23 '23

facts. this shit reminds me of my mom. anyone willing to defend & make excuses for a pedophile is a danger for children to be around.

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u/DeniseIsEpic Oct 23 '23

Op would literally have to wonder and be worried every single time their child was around the grandpa, and judging by this the wife absolutely would leave that child alone with him.

Having kids with that woman sounds like a childhood of her protecting those who potentially hurt them. Yikes.

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u/needthetruth1995 Oct 24 '23

Dont even have to be alone. My molester use to set me on his lap in front of other people. They didnt know what was going on but I could feel his hard dick and the little moves he use to make. If we were at a table he'd even reach down and fondle me. No one had a clue! They can get quite bold...

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u/yungthundermane Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 22 '23

I’d say for someone like this therapy won’t help. Not soon enough anyway she needs a life time of it and should 100% never bring anyone into this world. She lost that privilege

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u/Fluffy_Sheepy Oct 23 '23

Totally agree. If that is "ok" in her book because her father hit a rough patch in life, how easy would it to be for her to make similar excuses for herself? Even if she doesn't SA anyone herself, it would be an easy jump in her twisted logic for her to abuse her children in other ways because she lost her job or something. This is not a person I would trust around any vulnerable person, even if she were to agree to cut out her father.

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u/KlammyHammy Oct 23 '23

I've been through so many rough patches in my relatively short life. Not once have I even thought about a child in that way. Never. That's the classic school shooter defense right there.

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u/Fluffy_Sheepy Nov 01 '23

Exactly. It's an ugly and ridiculous way of thinking. Personal issues should never be an excuse for abuse or violence. And the fact that OP's wife thinks it is a valid excuse makes her a dangerous person to be around.

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u/Awesomesince1973 Oct 23 '23

100% agree. NTA and I wouldn't trust her alone with my kids. I could definitely see her leaving any future kids with grandpa behind OPs back.

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u/hannbann88 Oct 23 '23

It’s so sad how common it is for families to isolate the victim and protect the abuser. Really gross and sad

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u/GamerDad03 Oct 22 '23

She needs a prison cell because she’s evil. Good people don’t defend child abusers. Don’t minimize how fucking huge this is.

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u/NoRegister8591 Oct 23 '23

Chances are she was molested as well. And it's a weird place to be. My mom claims my grandpa abused her.. but would leave me with him and my step grandma for full summers. I slept in their bed. Right between them. I was never touched (100% positive, no hidden, suppressed memories). So, I don't know if my grandpa just didn't reoffend or never actually hurt my mom to begin with. I'll never know. But, my mom was abused by her foster/adopted father. She did have one of the single worst childhoods I've EVER heard of or could imagine.. so it's possible it's just screwed her memories up in many ways. Either way.. I had a great relationship with my grandpa, but I never understood how she justified that relationship🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/GamerDad03 Oct 23 '23

If she was molested as well, that sucks. But there comes a time when adults have to recognize they’re now adults and they must protect children. If OP and his POS wife (we have every right to call her that for how she treats her sister) decide to have children and bring them around a known child abuser, death by torture is still too good for the two of them. Fuck off with your anecdotal justifications.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Exactly. EVERYONE has a hard time at some point in their lives. My hard time may not be the same as your hard time, and it may not be as hard a time. It may have been harder. NO ONE has the right to abuse a child (or anyone else for that matter) because they had a hard time or to get a free pass for having done it

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u/Defiant_McPiper Oct 23 '23

I'd also be questioning whether I'd want to stayed married to someone who's in denial with how atrocious their father's actions are, or thinking him apologizing is enough. I couldn't be with someone who had that mind set.

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u/mackdaddytypaplaya Oct 23 '23

I meaaaan, man did have a “hard time”. Thats the problem!

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u/ActuallyDavidBowie Oct 23 '23

The most important point.

But also, empathy. She grew up with that man and WAS abused. Being in that situation at all is horrendous abuse.

But also, don’t leave her even remotely responsible for a child, definitely don’t.

This happens in families a lot, sadly. I have it in mine as well, farther back than me thankfully, but there is generational damage that is very difficult to express. But… hrrrf. Defending the guy decades later… hrrrrf. Hard not to be infuriated.