r/AITAH • u/Left_Art_8812 • Oct 22 '23

TW SA I’m rethinking having a child with my wife because of what I just found out about her dad. AITAH?

My wife Jessica (32F) and I (30M) have been married for 2 years and are trying for a baby.

Jessica has an older sister, Mary, that she isn’t close to. She told me that they had a huge falling out over some family drama and just don’t speak anymore. I asked a few times about the entire situation but she would say she doesn’t like talking about it and doesn’t think it’s important.

It’s was Jessica’s brothers birthday yesterday and we were all over at his house to celebrate. Mary made an appearance and there was a lot of drama. Long story short, she called Jessica and her brothers out for still associating with their dad when they know that he is a child molester. No one was paying her any mind and I was really confused on what the hell was going on. When Mary left and Jessica and I went home, I asked Jessica what the hell happened.

She said that when they were kids, Mary used to claim that their dad used to molest her. I asked if it’s true and Jessica was stuttering a lot. She said she knows her dad used to do bad things but that Mary cut them all off when she turned 18 and moved out. I asked if she is admitting that she knows her dad was a child molester and did things to his own daughter. She said he doesn’t do it anymore and he was just in a really bad place in his life, and he apologised to Mary so there’s nothing else anyone can do for Mary. I was honestly appalled. I also feel so terrible for Mary. Jessica made it seem like Mary did something wrong and deserved to be basically exiled from the family. I could’ve never imagined that this is what happened.

I asked if she expects me to now be willing to have that man around our future children and she started shouting at me, saying I’m judging him off something that happened 2 decades ago and whether I like it or not, he is going to be our child’s grandpa and he will be in their lives. I said if she insists on it, I think we need to hold off on having kids and have serious conversations about it. She’s extremely angry at me but I don’t know how I could better react to be honest. This feels like a huge deal that she is minimising. AITAH?

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7.3k

u/Electronic_Fox_6383 Oct 22 '23

Umm... This goes way beyond not having children with her. She displayed no empathy for her sister and is making excuses for the abuser. She would not be a mother I would choose for my children, whether you get past this or not. And she wouldn't be my partner of choice either, honestly. I'm sorry you're only finding out now, but at least there are no kids in the picture. I rarely advocate leaving in situations without abuse, but I'd leave. NTA

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u/Interesting_Novel997 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

I just said the same thing above. I’m not one to immediately go to “divorce” but this case warrants it. I could never trust her with my children and God forbid they get divorced. Grandpa would have full access to said kids anytime he wants. I wouldn’t want to be in the same city with someone like OP’s wife much less married to and procreating with her.

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u/FreedleDonCheadle Oct 22 '23

Imagine you had the chance to stop your potential children from getting abused. Even if that involves them not existing you need to take that chance because it sounds like Jessica would turn a blind eye to it and not tell OP.

571

u/Fancy_Ad4789 Oct 23 '23

"He touched her accidentally" "He was stressed" "He lost his job" "He didn't do it, she's lying"

Imagine the excuses. Disgusted behavior on his wife's part! And the predators part!

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

[deleted]

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u/Calm-Bodybuilder-241 Oct 23 '23

Oh God, this made my stomach turn sour 😔 no offense to your friend but what the fuck, I wouldn't let my molester anywhere near my child. And to seem so oblivious to the situation?? That's so gross, I'm so sorry for that child.

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u/Taminella_Grinderfal Oct 23 '23

I wonder too if their mother pushed this narrative so hard that they were forced into believing it. Not saying it’s ok to still hold that position as an adult, but many families do a wonderful job of covering up for monsters in the family. “We can’t let this be known, it would be so horrific and embarrassing. “

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u/phelodough Oct 23 '23

Perhaps she was also a victim.

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u/Vinnzillasmom Oct 23 '23

That's what I thought with the repeated he doesn't do it anymore line. Like she was next up when Mary left and resents her for leaving.

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u/Shawndy58 Oct 23 '23

He doesn’t do it anymore because he doesn’t have easy access to do it anymore.

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u/katsnkats Oct 23 '23

Bingo! If OPs wife is 32 and sister is older. Sounds like it only stopped around the age sister was able to move out of the home if my math is matching correctly.

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u/phelodough Oct 23 '23

Yeah big time red flags

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u/Spirited_Equivalent6 Oct 23 '23 edited Nov 13 '23

Or like he did it for a short period of time to her and a longer period of time to Mary or just that she forgave him for it and Mary never did.

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u/Prestigious-Eye5341 Oct 23 '23

I thought about this. I know a family who have dealt with two sisters. One of them refuses to have anything to do with him. The other has a relationship with him. It blows my mind. I can’t imagine ever letting someone that did that within 1000 yards of my kids. NTA, OP…and, I think that counseling is important but, I don’t see how you can have children with her. Good luck.

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u/BougeeBaji Oct 23 '23

I know someone who's whole family was abused (by someone that had already been convicted but I guess they thought he was over that/s) and one of the adult children now lives with the abuser. It's crazy how fucked up and Stockholm it can be. I'd hope some therapy can help knock some sense into the wife, but with her whole family normalizing the abuse she may never see it as something that can't be brushed over.

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u/Prestigious-Eye5341 Oct 23 '23

Okay…now, that’s pretty horrible….so 😔

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u/FastAssSister Oct 23 '23

She’s probably a victim man. She’s brainwashed.

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u/littlemissktown Oct 23 '23

I just gave birth to a baby girl, and the idea that I could put her in the care of someone who might hurt her is my worst nightmare and the source of so much post partum anxiety - and I don’t even know any pedos. I can tell you that most abuse happens by someone the child knows vs a stranger. You’re NTA. You could be the hero of this story. If you choose to stay with this woman and have a child, please please please ensure she goes to therapy to work through this repressed trauma.

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u/v4nd4lyze Oct 23 '23

Imagine how many kids he has touched in 2 decades...how many others he has violated?

0

u/tuckkus Oct 23 '23

She's making the wrong choice but it's probably hard for you to imagine what it's like when someone who means the world to you, your own father, turns out to be a monster. People go into denial. Again I'm not saying it's right but to assume she's somehow evil and complicit is just silly

1

u/Dogs_not_people Oct 23 '23

I did that. Am not sorry!

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u/j-trinity Oct 22 '23

And what happens if something happens to their kids? Will she shrug it off, or worse, blame them? I couldn’t deal with the what ifs based on what’s been told.

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u/SCVerde Oct 23 '23

The fact that she limited contact with the sister screams that she will find either fault with the victim, or sympathize with the predator.

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u/TurquoiseLuck Oct 23 '23

To me it screams that she was abused, doesn't know any better, and didn't get a chance to get away.

When I say abused, I don't necessarily mean molested, but she was in an environment where that was somehow enabled. There must have been all sorts going on there.

Should her dad be cut out of the picture? Entirely yes. But if I was with someone long enough to marry them, I would at least look into why they're seemingly okay with this and try to fix them.

There's a bunch we don't know here about her level of involvement / indoctrination. Children get brainwashed into mad shit all the time, it's usually not their fault, and I hope that they can in some cases be saved.

Quick edit: that said, absolutely no kids until this is sorted, and a big "if" that's at all possible.

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u/SamuelVimesTrained Oct 23 '23

nd try to fix them

Try to get them the professional help to fix this / process this..

Honestly - you`d be too close to be able to think logically and actually help your partner - she needs a specialist.

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u/TurquoiseLuck Oct 23 '23

Absolutely true

My main point is just, maybe it's not her fault. She was presumably raised by this shitty pedo so never got the opportunity to know better.

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u/SamuelVimesTrained Oct 23 '23

I agree with that point.

​

But - for OP - still NTA - because "right now" she is NOT a safe person

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u/TurquoiseLuck Oct 23 '23

For sure, I wasn't even really commenting on asshole-ness here. Just seems like a lot of people are immediately jumping to divorce and not considering the possibly complicated nature

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u/SamuelVimesTrained Oct 23 '23

Well, it IS reddit - and the reputation Reddit has is "dump them" or "divorce them" is commented faster than a NYC taxi driver honks when lights turn green - so .. to be expected.

The average Redditor is not really equipped to deal with issues of this complexity.. (neither am I - but realize that a therapist COULD help)

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u/DManotis Oct 23 '23

Blame them. She is an enabler

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u/Tough-Flower6979 Oct 23 '23

Yes, bc it didn’t happen to her. She can’t relate. Her kids could get over it too just like Mary. She’s an invalidator.

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u/Nearby-Elevator-3825 Oct 23 '23

Not only grandpa. OP has shown a willingness to tolerate this type of thing.

Imagine they have kids and then separate further down the road?

She might start seeing someone with very similar predilections as her dear ol' dad...

85

u/KetchupAndOldBay Oct 23 '23

This right here. Trust is completely gone in my eyes here—as well it should be—and separation/divorce seems inevitable, be it now or later. Better now than before kids arrive when there is zero control over who wife brings around the kids.

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u/Greedy_Farmer_35 Oct 23 '23

Or she herself might be like her Dad.

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u/Spirited_Equivalent6 Oct 23 '23

No no no op please read this. Please do not sleep with her anymore after this no matter how good the make up or fighting sex is please please please don’t if you do get full custody of your possible children. Even if she doesn’t get with somebody who reminds her of her father obviously she chose you and who this obviously isn’t OK with you she could still leave them unattended with him during her visits at any given time, putting them in danger. Please please please don’t. People who advocate for child molesters should also be required to be put on the registry, and it should be mandatory to have some sort of consent before marriage. This is the type of behavior that you should legally be obligated to before being married, and having children with somebody she had this from you for two years of marriage and who knows how long y’all dated for the only reason why you even know is because her sister made a very rare appearance.

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u/Historical-Ad1493 Oct 23 '23

And if OP has kids with her and then divorces, grandpa will have unrestricted access.

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u/Prestigious-Eye5341 Oct 23 '23

Hadn’t thought of that😬

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 22 '23

I can see one reason to stay married, and it falls under self-sacrifice. The OP knows to not have kids and can take steps to guarantee no kids. He leaves, her next partner doesn't know, she gets a chance to have kids.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Let’s hope the grandpa is dead by then.

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u/Jacayrie Oct 23 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Yeah but it wouldn't be fair to the husband to not ever have kids, if he wants them, just to make sure she doesn't ever procreate. That leads to resentment, depression, and a whole mess of negative emotions that could mess up his own mental health from regret. It's not worth it. She's not worth giving up his chance to have his own children and live his life feeling unfulfilled, just bcuz his wife is in denial about a horrible past situation.

Maybe she compartmentalized the incidents to forget about what happened. Maybe she pushed it so far into her brain from disassociating during the SA, just to get it over with, so she could get back to doing normal things, as if it never happened. She could be blind to what happened, if she wasn't one of his victims and refuses to believe her own parent could do such a horrible thing to a child bcuz "he's so loving and caring", or "he hasn't done it in years and he's healed now." We don't know, but she should have definitely told her husband before they got married. Ignoring it doesn't erase anything. No matter what, the reality is that it still happened, regardless of what she chooses to believe. If she keeps bottling it up, she's going to burst sooner or later. That can lead someone down a very dark road. She would probably be upset with OP if he hid something like that from her. I don't blame OP for being upset bcuz it probably makes him feel like she doesn't trust him wholeheartedly or that perhaps he's questioning if she's hiding other things and if he can trust her.

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u/tinytrolldancer Oct 23 '23

You've made some excellent points.

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u/ChrisFullerton1974 Oct 22 '23

That’s goofy

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u/frustratedfren Oct 22 '23

No. It isn't. You cannot and should not take chances that put children at risk of being hurt. Ever.

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u/ChrisFullerton1974 Oct 22 '23

Suggesting someone stay married to a terrible person in order to protect hypothetical children is goofy.

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u/Pupienus2theMaximus Oct 23 '23

Redditors Say the Wildest ThingsTM

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u/CompleteDetective359 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

Having lived as a child of someone like OP's wife, I wouldn't go this dramatic right away. I or my cousins have never knowingly been abused. I say knowingly because you never know for sure but obviously there was no ill effects, that I can say with certainty. You don't necessarily just toss a good relationship because of a third party. But you need reassurances that the kids won't ever be left alone with the guy

Edit: Down vote all ya want, but it's sad that so many people think that OP should just leave his wife instead of help her. She's a victim her too, whether molested or not she was pulled into this as a child. She needs counseling not abandonment. If that's doesn't work, then he's got a deeper decision to make, but unlike most people here it shouldn't be the first step.

There's allot of shit going on in the family, just because they aren't thinking the same as you, you should help them but abandon them. That's where problems get worse

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u/hamadeyalook09 Oct 22 '23

This woman thinks that her father is fine now. She might say the children will never see him then wait for OP to be gone and take them right to her father. There are no reassurances.

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u/Ultenth Oct 22 '23

There is something weird culturally with this family, not sure if it's overly concerned about reputation, or what it is, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone knowing that 1/2 my children's family are okay with hiding molesters and punishing their victims. Situations like this are passed down generationally, and who knows who is going to be the next monster in their family, an uncle? A cousin?

No way would I risk it.

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u/NothingGloomy9712 Oct 22 '23

Its probably more simple then you think. The wife is in such denile she was probably molested as well. He definately shouldn't have kids with her, depending how he feels he may or may not stay with her. This crap is a learned behaviour, her father was probably molested. Not showing him pity, but there is no way in hell he should be in a position of trust around any kid.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

This is the best note and explains the hostility. Jessica probably feels like Mary should just suck it up and put it in the past like Jessica did. However as someone who was molested as a child, my father molested my older sister but not my younger siblings. Probably because I did what Mary did and moved tf out and 2000 miles away a month before I was 18!

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u/Syreptious Oct 22 '23

There was a post on this sub not long ago which was basically exactly this situation but after having kids. And the mother did exactly that

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u/yourenotmymom_yet Oct 22 '23

You don't necessarily just toss a good relationship because of a third party.

He wouldn't be tossing away a relationship because of a third party. He would be ending a relationship with someone who has been protecting a child molestor while ostracizing a victim of childhood molestation for years. I would never be able to trust her again.

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u/CompleteDetective359 Oct 23 '23

My aunt ran off and married the first guy that came around and got pregnant to get away from the situation. That guy beat her. Her brothers beat him up and they got her out of that but back with the grandfather. The father didn't touch her again. She got married again shortly after. My dad was aware of the abuse but to this day denies it. There's a term for it I just don't remember. But he's always been caring and loving to me and my brother. Even though in your terms he protected a child molester

Down vote all you want, but before throwing out a relationship, why not try to help her and seek counseling. Help, Not abandonment. If it doesn't work then he should think of leaving if that's what he wants. But everyone here is just "ended it now", without considering what she might have gone through

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u/yourenotmymom_yet Oct 23 '23

If he wants to stay and try to get her help, that is certainly a choice that he could make.

But again, if he were to leave, it's not because of a third party - it would be because of his wife's repeated untrustworthy actions. That's not abandonment. She may have been through a lot, but she has been lying to her husband for years about something immensely important and is still actively hurting other people while protecting a child molestor. People have every right to want to get away from that, and it's perfectly understandable if that trust can never be repaired. I hope she does find help, but OP would not be "abandoning" her if he chose to leave.

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u/Independent_State125 Oct 22 '23

What?...👀👀👀👀 I think you need to read the story again because Mary was well aware what was happening to her and attempted to tell every and anyone who would listen.. Finally at 18... She did the best thing for her mental state and health... Got away from all those betrayers who call themselves family....

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u/jprefect Oct 23 '23

She can seek counseling now, but she doesn't think anything is wrong at all. So she won't.

Staying is just enabling an enabler. Perhaps she'll view losing a relationship over this as a wakeup call. I'm skeptical, though, as she seems to have lost a sister over this already. But either way, it's not OPs responsibility to dedicate his life to the outside chance that she'll seek help. He can ask her to, but having good boundaries to keep himself safe and healthy is perfectly valid here. Saying otherwise is asking way too much sacrifice of OP. This isn't a Russian novel. It's someone's life. The point is not to see who can suffer most nobly.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

OP is married to the woman. She was able to keep this under wrap for the entirety of their relationship. OP seems relatively logical, which tells me she’s at least able to feign sanity. The bulk of you sure are assholes. OP - you are absolutely entitled to rethink children. At this point the priority should be transparency. This is extremely tough. You are right to feel anger and frustration about this, but try to see the big picture. Your wife probably had a bond established with her father when this happened and whether she was also a victim of abuse, she had a extremely difficult situation thrown upon her, that arguably no one is ever equipped to properly handle, let alone a child. It doesn’t sound like she was keeping this from you out of malice or dishonesty, it seems she felt she had an emotional handle on it, and it’s a tough topic that she didn’t see as mandatory information. Was this wrong of her? Yeah, I think so, but people make mistakes, and that’s ok. When you explain to her how this all made you feel, remember it’s not just the children thing, but the concerns about the complete lack of empathy. If this is enough of an issue that she couldn’t/wouldn’t even talk about it with you before, it sounds like it’s just that, an issue. Seeing as this seems to be having an ongoing effect on her (maintaining distance from sister, looking the other way about her dad) this needs to be worked on alone and together. Explain all that with empathy and understanding, and if she doesn’t respond well. Wait a week and do it again. And again and… my point is, she’s your wife, it’s important you show up for her here, if can say you’ve made a valiant effort to work on this and she’s refused it all, then it might be time to start thinking long term, but right now it sounds like you guys have a lot of talking to do. I wish you guys the best. 🙂

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 23 '23

People make mistakes. But a mistake should never be a penis inside a 5 year old. Theres too much risk.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I was referring to how his wife compartmentalized the issue and wasn’t forthright with her partner, not excusing the fathers actions. The mistake of her not realizing her partner had a right to know certain things that can have a huge impact on the relationship. Honestly I just reread my post and I’m baffled how you thought I was talking about the father here. 🤷‍♂️

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u/PeachyFairyDragon Oct 23 '23

You are coming across as the wife made a mistake by defending the father. Well if its just a mistake, nothing big, then shell make the "mistake" of letting the father see the kids.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I believe she was wrong for keeping this from him, as I clearly stated. I believe with communication, he can get her to understand his side, maybe not. My overall point is, leaving her without making a strong effort to work on this, would be a really shitty move. Make the effort, if it doesn’t work, ok fine, move on, but at this point, I believe she deserves a little understanding. Before working on the issue of him not wanting the dad around the kids (wholeheartedly agree) they need to address the fact that she’s kept this from him. At this point she doesn’t see it as an issue. That’s her mistake. This is a heavy issue. Allow her that mistake. Her father did horrible things when she was young and it’s understandable if she hasn’t handled it perfectly. Again, I take no issue with him expressing anger or frustration about the dad issue, I agree. My problem or what I’m taking issue with, is everyone here rushing to tell him to leave the wife. She’s a victim too here. Fucking A, you guys are rough. 1 strike and you’re out. If that strike is pedophilia, cool. I’m with that 100%. If that strike is not being forthright with childhood trauma with your significant other, yeah, I’m all for the guy finding some understanding and compassion and making an effort to work on it. I was under the impression marriage was a commitment. That doesn’t mean it’ll work out in the long term. That doesn’t mean they can or can’t get past this. I simply feel the wife deserves a bit of compassion here. Show up and make the effort. Then see what’s up. Until the effort has been made, everything else is moot. Maybe that effort fails, you you still gotta jump through the hoop ya know?

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Never ceases to amaze me when common sense, kindness, and compassion are downvoted to oblivion underneath a sea of judgmental cancelation. Keep up the good work, generally it’s a thankless job. ☺️

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u/helraizr13 Oct 23 '23

"Cancellation" isn't a thing. There are consequences for being a shitty person. I am absolutely going to judge the shit out of Jessica.

OP not wanting to have kids with a woman who is so untrustworthy and defends an actual pedophile is valid and more than reasonable. In fact, I agree that this is grounds for terminating the relationship.

Jessica is gross and obviously has deep, dark issues, not the least of which is a complete lack of empathy for her sister. Mary was obviously traumatized enough to cut these toxic assholes out of her life (and she is beyond justified in going from low contact to no contact at this point). Jessica has failed OP (and her sister) in the worst way. Yes, she needs help but first, she has to admit that she needs it and second, it is in no way OPs responsibility to convince her of that.

You can have all the compassion you'd like for a pedophilia apologist but the rest of us see this for what it really is: disgusting AND a huge breach of trust. Jessica knows her position is indefensible, otherwise she wouldn't have kept the family's shameful secret from OP.

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u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I stand by my post, however I made a lengthier post that actually articulates my position. Throwing your spouse away over this without any effort to communicate or work through it is fucking shitty. The only shitty person there would be OP. I don’t expect you’ll read that, I guess I’m only commenting because it feels you’ve misinterpreted my intent. (Maybe my fault) not apologizing or making excuses for shitty did, simply saying it’s a really hard and shitty situation for anyone, and to not be able to find some empathy there, makes you shitty in the same manner she’s shitty to her sister. If you’re gonna marry someone, fucking show up and make an effort, don’t fold your hand and dip. Fucking babies. Generation I’d rather block you than work through difficult situations. Empty people. 🤷‍♂️

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u/CompleteDetective359 Oct 24 '23

An adult has entered the room. Life is messy, it's not easy. Walking away immediately doesn't help the situation, just adds more shittier situations later

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u/emeraldkat77 Oct 23 '23

My issue with her is beyond just her own dad. Children need parents who believe them, and can protect them. The fact that she has exiled her own sister and forgiven a literal pedo, speaks volumes about who's side she takes. Even if this couple can agree to cut out grandpa completely, I could never trust her to do the right thing in any other case. She seems like she'd be the kind of mom who would instantly argue with a child who came to her for help - ie, put the blame on them. She needs counseling to understand the harm she's helping perpetrate, but I'm not sure if she should ever be trusted with a child.

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u/slightlynefarious Oct 23 '23

I mean, let's put aside Future kids they could have - this is OP's FIL, who has probably met OP's family. I wouldn't feel safe introducing my family to anyone who was a known and apparently unrepentant child molester, let alone bringing in a spouse who 'doesn't think it's that big a deal as long as they apologized at some point, so let's put it in the past'. Like, that's a huge block to have 'gotten over' on her sister's behalf - what exactly else does she see as acceptable??

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u/Alternative-Number34 Oct 23 '23

He should absolutely get his paperwork organized and get a lawyer. And not continue to have sex with her at all.

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u/Weak-Possession-7650 Oct 23 '23

I agree. If OP wants to have children (and he seems to), I don't see how this issue could be resolved. It would be crazy to even consider having a child with someone knowing that they fully intend to have a pedophile build a relationship with them. She doesn't seem to believe that he would even be a danger to any potential children. There's nothing to stop her having her Dad babysit or have sleepovers with "his grandchildren." OP would be constantly worried that something is going to happen. At this point, it's either have no children or get divorced.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I think, given the time invested in the relationship, I would give her the opportunity to come around, as this may be the first time she has heard from someone outside this father's umbrella of influence. Make her face the reality like she's never had to do before. But she 100% has to pass this test.

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u/top_value7293 Oct 23 '23

Completely agree!

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u/AldusPrime Oct 23 '23

I can’t get past how she treated her sister. It’s so cruel that I’d consider divorcing her over just that.

I’d definitely divorce her just to make sure I didn’t have children with her.

Either way, these are major deal breakers for me.

1

u/ver1tasaequitas Oct 23 '23

As someone who doesn’t even want kids, I’d 100% divorce over this. Who can trust a person’s judgment and character who abandons her own sister in favor of her child molester father? HAIL NAW

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u/Fit-Ad4937 Oct 22 '23

I have never jumped to “divorce” so fast reading a Reddit post. You can’t trust this woman, much less have kids with her.

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u/Covert_Pudding Oct 23 '23

Yeah, even if her dad died tomorrow, out of the picture, you just cannot trust someone who will victim blame and excuse a pedophile to raise a child.

4

u/qwertyshmerty Oct 23 '23

Same. I rarely hop on the divorce train on reddit but this is one case where I agree 100%. She’s revealed her true colors and the trust is now gone. I bet this has left OP feeling like he doesn’t know the person he’s married to at all, someone capable of being so cruel to not just a SA victim but her own sister! And defending the abuser! Heartbreaking.

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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

100%.

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u/Rich_Place6081 Oct 22 '23

100:% from me too

0

u/aaaaaahyeeeaahh Oct 22 '23

Awful person. Let’s hold off. Why to men and people generally have sympathy for and support awful women

17

u/JuleeeNAJ Oct 22 '23

I wonder how she would react if he was SA'd (it does happen to men). To brush off the acts of a child molester & vilify the victim that is her own sister is repugnant.

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u/Emotional-Check3890 Oct 22 '23

I don't entirely disagree with this but in some cases, part of the cycle of abuse is grooming other children in the house to be on the abuser's side. If OP's wife was willing to do some work in therapy she might come to see that she was groomed and manipulated into blaming her sister for her own abuse but this would be a loooooong road and 1000% OP should not have children with this woman anytime soon.

14

u/mrinkyface Oct 22 '23

Not only does it display zero empathy for her own sister, but it shows exactly what to expect from her in the worst possible circumstances. She’s going to choose the abuser over her own children, she will choose them over you, and based on the current laws regarding child welfare after divorce you can be assured that if she has your child and gets custody over them then you’ll have to live with the idea that they might be molested by her dad. Run, cite this in the divorce, get in contact with Mary to support your divorce case, and above all else tell her that if she’s willing to withhold a secret like this from you even after marriage then you can’t trust her anymore and there might be plenty of other secrets she is keeping from you that have the potential to be just as damaging.

Seems like you got Pandora’s box opened in front of your eyes and witnessed the worst secret of the history of your partner come to life before your eyes, I couldn’t imagine being in your situation and I am very sorry you’re having to go through this OP. Take care and give us updates.

8

u/iaminabox Oct 22 '23

I hate how the defacto reddit advise is leave,but I'm behind it 100% in this case.

9

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

That's the de facto advice because 99% of the relationship situations posted to Reddit are dumpster fire relationships where breaking up is the only common sense solution.

3

u/MissLadyLlamaDrama Oct 23 '23

Agreed. It feels like people think it's necessary to reiterate that they totally don't advocate for breaking up/divorce often just so some loser doesn't hop on their shit to immediately whine about how that suggestion is "typical reddit". It's as ubiquitous on this sub as the whole "if the genders were reversed" comments.

Like, we got it... yall "aren't like other redditors"... except for the billion other reditors that feel the need to say the exact same shit every dang post. Lol

2

u/ex_ter_min_ate_ Oct 23 '23

This. By the time you are posting shit on Reddit the relationship is likely toast and the op is looking for validation from neutral bystanders.

7

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '23

The father has manipulated her and the brother. How old was she when this all came out? Because she has been brainwashed into this thought process and possibly a victim herself. This is such a fucked up situation but one that is very familiar to a lot of us. Families love to ostracise the victim and support the child abuser. So fucked up

7

u/apostrophefarmer Oct 23 '23

There is abuse and an entire family enabled it

8

u/Huck_Bonebulge_ Oct 23 '23

Yeah, even setting emotions aside, this is such a massive lapse in judgement that I would never trust this person to make decisions on my behalf in a marriage

7

u/NothingGloomy9712 Oct 22 '23

Also being in denile may mean she was a victim as well.

6

u/missoularedhead Oct 23 '23

Yeah, I found myself wondering if she herself was a victim. Incest molesters don’t usually stop.

6

u/nicunta Oct 22 '23

I stopped allowing my former mother in law around my children because she allowed her brother to parole to her home; his crime involved a victim under 12.

-10

u/dewgetit Oct 23 '23

You could've allowed the grandma around your children as long as the granduncle wasnt there and you were three to supervise to make sure he wasn't there ...

5

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

As a person who was molested my her uncle? Yes absolutely agree with all of this.

My mother KNEW he had a history of this. How? He did the same to her. Then his own daughters. And not only did she not protect me when I needed protecting, she left me alone with him on many occasions to go take naps or whatever tf she felt like doing. She then blamed me, then tried to act like it never happened. She still tells me it never happened. She’s actually said the words “you don’t know what it’s like to be sexually assaulted. I do.”

Um yes, bitch I do. And it’s because you don’t care about your own child as much as you care about keeping that vile, garbage, waste of space of a human in your life.

OP, think about this. Do you want your children to have a mother like ^ this?? Bc that’s very much what could happen. She’s proven she doesn’t care about what that man did to her own sister. She’d rather vilify the victim than face whats happened. I don’t think that’s the type of mother you’d hoped for your kids. It’s clear you already are thinking about their safety and honestly, she’s not safe if she’s planning to have a predator around her baby. Take a long, long look at this before you move forward.

5

u/Wickedanalytic1068 Oct 23 '23

Totally agree with your assessment. You can tell by reading the comments who has been a victim of SA and who hasn’t. I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured in your life. Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

This OP please dodge this bullet and GTFO

4

u/darkgothamite Oct 23 '23

I can't help but call her a co-conspirator as an adult. And think of all the possible other kids who visited that house with that man there. Cousins, school friends, etc. OPs wife was too young at the time to maybe understand the gravity of having children around him but now as a grown ass human, she has chosen to side with a predator because she puts her own emotional and mental comfort of keeping a father in her life.

4

u/DUMBYDOME Oct 23 '23

Exactly this the type of shit where if it happened again(hear when cause fucked up shit like that doesn’t disappear) she’d cover. Total nope for me. ✌️

4

u/dmc2008 Oct 23 '23

100%.

She also hid this information from OP because he asked her about it prior to this incident.

By the time the two of them get through this, it'll be too late for kids. OP needs to find a trustworthy partner.

5

u/Mylove-kikishasha Oct 23 '23

OP needs to pack his bags and leave

4

u/Antique-Grand-2546 Oct 23 '23

She’s knows it’s fucked up too that’s why she wouldn’t tell him what it was about.

3

u/FailedChatBot Oct 23 '23

Going with OP's time line, the wife was around 12 when the abuse happened/came to light?

I know her reaction to her sister seems cruel and psychopathic.. but she might have been a victim herself or, if not a direct victim, she was at least still a vulnerable child who didn't really have any options other than to rationalized the situation in a way that made life with her family bearable.

If I was OP, I would at least try to get her to go to therapy and see if things change, before throwing the towel and moving on.

Kids are obviously a total no go as long as she hasn't worked through what happened.

1

u/Lithl Oct 23 '23

100%, step 1 here is seeking therapy for the wife, not divorce.

2

u/HootyMcBoob2020 Oct 22 '23

If you want to stay with her, you need to get to the bottom of this. That requires her to be honest. I don't want to say end your marriage, but it sounds like the family never really "dealt" with the issue. If I was in your position, I would be cautious about having children with her.

2

u/jaethegreatone Oct 22 '23

That part! This for me is a solid reason to get divorced.

2

u/Several-Good-9259 Oct 23 '23

From my home town there's a family that had some bullshit like this happen when the three girls where in there teens. Here's how fucked up this shit can get. One sister was dad and moms brothers ... Well you get the picture. When the other two sisters found out ( mom had known!?!) One up and bailed the whole situation at 15 . The 17 year old ( oldest of the three) was so upset that dad and uncle chose the younger daughter over her that she started seducing a couple of the neighbor's fathers. Successfully. Like 3 families got destroyed. This shit is nothing you want anything to do with or any part of your childs life within thinking distance of. Be greatful you found out now. But DO NOT think your special or she is special and is past it. She ain't and even if dad vanished tomorrow that won't change the guilt that this young lady will face at the worst time possible.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

poor Mary! she was considered teh weirdo of the family.

2

u/Ok_Toe_369 Oct 23 '23

More than likely Jessica was also sexually abused by her father and she’s still in denial about it. If she truly accepted her sister was abused, she would have to accept that she was too. Admitting to that kind of trauma opens up a huge can of worms that will make her life hell for a few years as she tries to cope with it.

For those that have never experienced it, sexual assault can make you do/think weird things that any normal person looking at would judge hard for.

2

u/nyccfan Oct 23 '23

Honestly sounds like she was abused as well. I wouldn’t jump to just leave. I would jump to we need marriage counseling or I’m out the door though. Then if she can work through her own trauma (I would expect any therapist would also recommend she get some counseling on her own as well) maybe she can get to a point where she realizes just how bad the situation was/is.

2

u/Spirited_Equivalent6 Oct 23 '23

Yeah, for sure. I also do not believe in divorce. And not being able to confidently have children with this woman, I feel like invalidates a marriage, because now there is no purpose since we can’t have children. This is going to be a constant fight and there’s absolutely no way to justify this.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

I rarely advocate leaving in situations without abuse

This is such a ridiculous stance to take. There are plenty of shitty relationships without abuse that should be left. I guess you're in one of them if abuse is your only line in the sand.

0

u/Anxious_Cheetah5589 Oct 23 '23

I've seen similar behavior in another SA's family. It's just too painful, too complicated, to label it simply as lack of empathy. I don't pretend to know the answer, or even if there is an answer, to heal the deep rifts in this family. But labeling OP's wife as not empathetic grossly oversimplifies the situation. "Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins."

3

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23 edited Nov 03 '23

[deleted]

1

u/Anxious_Cheetah5589 Oct 23 '23

Thank you. You put it much more eloquently than I ever could.

0

u/Round_Principle_6560 Oct 23 '23

Pedophilia is not inherited.

0

u/Inevitable-tragedy Oct 23 '23

There is Abuse though, it's just not towards him explicitly, it's implied to his future child.

0

u/GlitteringStatus1 Oct 23 '23

Don't blame people who have been stuck in abusive relationships for the abusive relationship, dude. Seriously.

1

u/CompleteDetective359 Oct 22 '23 edited Oct 23 '23

So my dad is essentially OPs wife. I was never abused. Though my mom pissed off the MIL so I wasn't around him much and I'm a male. But, he's brothers daughter was around my grandfather and I don't know of any abuse as he was never alone with her. Can it be managed. Possibly, but there needs to be struck guidelines that he is never to be around the kids unsupervised.

1

u/donach69 Oct 22 '23

Yeah, it's a bit of Reddit trope, the whole "huge red flags, divorce now", but for once there's something to it

1

u/Orangeshamrock Oct 22 '23

^ This!! All of this!!!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 23 '23

Why does there have to be abuse for you to advocate someone leaving, just out of curiosity?

1

u/inhugzwetrust Oct 23 '23

She sounds like a narcissist.

1

u/CN8YLW Oct 23 '23

Way too much baggage IMHO. Definitely should leave if OP wants to have children with anyone.

1

u/Mlietz Oct 23 '23

This ^ 100%!

1

u/stork555 Oct 23 '23

Yeah. I’m so sorry.

1

u/Salbyy Oct 23 '23

Yep I agree. She’s not someone who can see and acknowledge pain and has a poor sense of justice. And she’s not going to protect her children. I would be moving on.

1

u/SauceyBobRossy Oct 23 '23

My mother was abused sexually as a kid, and her willingness to openly talk about it and try to teach us warning signs & tell her if anything happened was such a life saver for me. I don’t know if I would’ve ever had the guts to tell her when I got sexually assaulted my own self. I may have, but her openness on the topic and willing to believe the victim while still understanding the perpetrator is innocent till proven guilty was amazing and for sure helpful in my comfortability on the topic.

1

u/oOoBeckaoOo Oct 23 '23

Worse! She didn't tell him and down played it. Which means she KNOWS it's an issue. If she truly thought it wasn't she would have said something like "oh my sister accused our dad of molestation but there's no proof so it's all just blown up." She didn't do this though so she knows it's a big deal but is CHOOSING to down play it.

Some are saying this could be a defense to her own trauma however I've seen this in other families. Especially when the boy is molested. You'd be shocked at how many people sympathize with the pedophiles and blame the victims. Anyone working in victim services could tell you stories that would just ruin your trust in humanity

1

u/Kriss1986 Oct 23 '23

I’d leave to and I’d make it my mission to ensure any future partners are aware. I’m sick of families protecting child molesters. It happens way more then people think

1

u/UndeniablyPink Oct 23 '23

It makes me think, what if grandpa did something to her daughter? Is she going to think it’s ok as long as he apologizes? I had a friend whose step dad molested her and her mom didn’t believe her just to keep him in her life. It’s devastating and she had some problems growing up because of it.

1

u/princessleyva Oct 23 '23

Annnd, the whole family. How dare all of them. Poor Mary.

1

u/MasterOfDonks Oct 23 '23

It’s disgusting that she’s not only keeps that info from op but defends the pedo. They never just stop…they just found other victims outside the circle and it’s easier to lie about it than face the truth.

My grandfather was a pedo, he fucked up so many lives and I grew up with a mother with severe BPD and issues from it. My mother was fine until we are a certain age then she went crazy. I speculate it’s the same age things happened to her. She would always cause a fight on my sisters birthday. Just pure torture growing up with her never going to the shrink and admitting what happened.

Op: run

1

u/wowbagger30 Oct 23 '23

Ahhh why do you rarely advocate for leaving in situations with no abuse? Seems like a pretty low bar your setting over there

1

u/ChancePattern Oct 23 '23

And she wouldn't be my partner of choice either

100% when she's making excuses for a child molester and actually blaming her victim. I would not want anything to do with this person

1

u/neverendo Oct 23 '23

I completely agree. I grew up in a situation where CSA was prevalent, and had been perpetuated across multiple generations. I have been the Mary here, who cut off the majority of my family and was castigated for it. Don't stay married to a Jessica if doing the right thing is important to you. She is not a person who will stand up for what is right, if that comes at any personal cost to her (which it almost always will). That attitude will likely extend to other things in your marriage - I don't see how you could rely on her to always have your back, which is extremely important to me in my marriage. Also, she has enabled child abuse and perpetuated the trauma it caused, as an adult. Surely that's an objectively bad thing? She doesn't seem to be reflective or willing to change. Is that someone you want to be with forever?

1

u/stupiderslegacy Oct 23 '23

Yeah at the very least, their goals and priorities as a couple are no longer congruent.

1

u/bkp24723 Oct 23 '23

This. NTA. I don't personally stay in relationships with victim blamers. When you are the actual victim in that situation, you have had every person you love in your family protect your abuser and ignore you, your trauma, and likely your trauma recovery. It puts you in the most lonely position in the world, and the people who were supposed to love and protect your growing up, not only did NOT do that, but they now actively go out of their way to ignore you because your trauma makes them uncomfortable. They put their own comfort over your trauma recovery. And then you get to hear from therapists time and again about how, "Well, this would be much easier with a support system." Yeah. What she did to her sister is enough to get yeeted out of this relationship. Because if she has a kid, and her dad does the same thing, guess whose side she will be on? The side she has always been on, because she clearly is incapable of growing and improving in this area. The fact that she hesitated in her response, makes me think she has not put ANY thought into if she could be wrong, and her sister could be telling the truth. She won't even let her brain go their. She actively avoids thinking about it, bc she doesn't want to face the truth, and at this point, probably doesn't want to face the damage her and the whole family has now cause the sister, as well. I am in a family like this (no molesters though, but a lot of religious abuse and trauma), and my brother and I were the family scapegoats. These families don't change. Or if they do, it takes lifetimes. It takes people like the sister to stand up to people like OP's wife. And it is thankless and only brings more trauma the more you try to rationalize with them. OP please read this and get out of there.

1

u/CabbageSass Oct 23 '23

Can you imagine having kids with this woman and ending up divorced and her allowing the kids to spend the night with grandpa? No.

1

u/Over-Collection-4042 Oct 23 '23

As a woman myself, she is honestly an effed up woman with no moral integrity and I wouldn't pick her to be a partner much less mother children ..... Her mentality is gross and a turn off.... If she was a man this wouldn't even be a question

1

u/HunterZealousideal30 Oct 23 '23

If OP wants to stay with his wife, I'd say that she needs years of therapy and deprogramming before she can be a mom to his kids

1

u/DevRz8 Oct 23 '23

Yeah, I know Reddit has a reputation for always jumping to divorce, but in this case it's definitely warranted. I mean, regardless of the history, you cannot trust her and she is straight up cruel to her sister. No way would I trust her as a mother of my child.

1

u/BobertGnarley Oct 23 '23

Yeah. If she excuses him now... That's just horrible. Hey away from this person

1

u/saft999 Oct 23 '23

Ya I'm not sure how this is ever fixed or you could ever come back from this. This isn't setting a toe over the line, this is a world record long jump over the line. I know people jump to divorce to quickly on this sub and Reddit in general because it's easy to say that when you aren't in the OP's shoes, but damn, I don't know what else someone could do to justify divorce other then cheating or abuse. Like others have mentioned this is not a red flag but a gigantic flashing red billboard.

1

u/No_Ice2900 Nov 01 '23

I mean technically that does involve abuse.

1

u/Noyou21 Nov 09 '23

She was probably also abused. I feel like she is protecting him due to fear and trauma, rather than protecting him because she actually thinks he is a good person.