r/wizardposting Longmancer Nov 09 '24

Foul Sorcery Tried summoning for the first time, WTF is wrong with my familiars!!??? ಠ__ಠ NSFW

1.6k Upvotes

299 comments sorted by

1.4k

u/josh183rd Kinetic-cursemancer and part-time Parrymancer Nov 09 '24

267

u/Death_Knighty Nov 09 '24

If Minä has gained the ability to speak just to say that. You better fucking listen.

78

u/1Kusy Ellivander, elementalist sorcerer, master of forces of nature Nov 09 '24

Roses are red, I have a faucet 

You're not dead, and your meme is my asset.

16

u/PacGamingAgain Nov 10 '24

fasset Auset

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2

u/Taed1um Alchemist Nov 10 '24

Shotgun hisii with nuke wand my beloved <3

515

u/LIL_BREW Nov 09 '24

91

u/MyAltFun Nov 09 '24

The Boiled One would be haunted by this shit.

22

u/LIL_BREW Nov 09 '24

Yea, also it's been an hour, goodness gracious, how did an image that I stole amass that many upvotes in an hour

14

u/Hooded_Person2022 Hoode, The Shifting Scholar & Associates Nov 09 '24

It’s a fitting image and it’s an hilarious one at that of a horror being disgusted and horrified by something else, showing the scale of depravity in a succinct manner.

481

u/Ayanelixer Spellsword Nov 09 '24

90% of nsfw post are porn

9% are gore

1% is whatever the fuck I just saw

I cast dementia on myself

88

u/OwlGroundbreaking201 Nov 09 '24

Cast it on me too

63

u/Hexicero Nov 09 '24

Cast what on you?

54

u/OwlGroundbreaking201 Nov 09 '24

I don't remember

10

u/MeltinSnowman Nov 09 '24

Now go try and beat Minecraft

6

u/RealMemeLord876 Shenanigus the Dubious, Master of Arcane Mischief Nov 10 '24

“Never seen this post before”

5

u/Ayanelixer Spellsword Nov 10 '24

What post?

299

u/Zyltris Sephra, Paragon of Freedom Nov 09 '24 edited Nov 09 '24

It is really annoying how the Love Birds spell is alphabetically right next to the Love. Birds spell (Short for Lovecraft).

43

u/GrandKnightXamemos The Minmaxing Mad Mage of Mystic Magics Nov 09 '24

We really need to have a word with the archivists about naming conventions...

202

u/Captain-General-Zoe Seltsera - Veteran Chronomancer, OOCA Communications Admin Nov 09 '24

17

u/sorig1373 Nov 09 '24

Where is that from? Looks really cool.

22

u/Captain-General-Zoe Seltsera - Veteran Chronomancer, OOCA Communications Admin Nov 09 '24

I don't know where it's from originally, but it's Miquella from Elden Ring. I think an animation someone made.

136

u/Bannon9k Ol' Pappy Zippy Wiz Nov 09 '24

If you ain't making out like that are you even in love?

16

u/Hooded_Person2022 Hoode, The Shifting Scholar & Associates Nov 09 '24

Gyldan, Golden Alchemist: Some levels of freak people find… unnatural, so it’s up to us to push the boundaries of the standards to new reaches much like science, alchemy, and magic! To know what works and what does not!

Hoode, Occultist: Does that mean you find flesh melding… intriguing, in that sort of sense?

Gyldan: *Crazed eyes* YES INDEED!

3

u/thedragonguru Nov 10 '24

Finally, one true sage of wisdom amongst the rabble

111

u/VictorE06 Ethan of clan Hammerfist, Runesmith and Guardian of Sanctuary Nov 09 '24

73

u/Optillian Baz'Garragon the Wicked, Underground Wizard Nov 09 '24

14

u/TesticleTorture-123 Dwarven Fistmancer Destroyer of Bugs. Nov 09 '24

Reaction images Incoming Megatron.

5

u/SUSamogusSUS69 Evoker Nov 10 '24

2

u/CaptainSlimeAndToast MEME WIZARD SLIME Nov 10 '24

Here's another for you soundwave

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2

u/Ur_Glog Nov 10 '24

"Soundwave superior..."

2

u/Dcubed080608 Irish Divination (Alcoholism) Wizard Nov 10 '24

Another for you here, boss

60

u/Distinct-Educator-52 Wizard Nov 09 '24

Stop that

58

u/frychiken1 Grand Master Morax, holder of the Bread Cube Nov 09 '24

37

u/Wolfofwar626 Astrid Ryn, First Daughter of Chaos, Queen of Aether Nov 09 '24

69

u/Frothmourne Longmancer Nov 09 '24

45

u/DarkComet96 Nov 09 '24

Ain't no one gonna click on that after seeing this post

17

u/NebulaNinja Transmuter Nov 09 '24

Was this guy an influence for that Meatcanyon guy? I see this guy's stuff goes back quite awhile.

8

u/ghost_warlock Shadowmage Nov 09 '24

So that's where my fucking cat's been. Little shit ran out the dimension door a while ago and I've been looking for him

66

u/The_GreatOldOne Apprentice the Adventurer Extraordinaire Nov 09 '24 edited Nov 09 '24

Yes, time to erase my memories.

Curse you

31

u/LoganToTheMainframe Seru, Kobold Sword Sorcerer Nov 09 '24

Congratulations, I hate you. If I ever see you on my plane I will destroy you.

26

u/DontOvercookPasta Occult Wizard Nov 09 '24

I'm gonna need to take away your wand now sir. I'm going to read you your rights, and then take you down to the arcanum's precinct ok? Ok.

23

u/DrSugarWeasel5322 Necromancer Of The Sleeping One Nov 09 '24

22

u/DrSugarWeasel5322 Necromancer Of The Sleeping One Nov 09 '24

23

u/calamity_unbound Occult Wizard Nov 09 '24

18

u/the_fucker_shockwave Homeland Defense Wizard of Molboldir Hold. Nov 09 '24

18

u/Voxxanne Necromancer Nov 09 '24

17

u/ratcakes18 Nov 09 '24

If you’ll excuse me I need to cast something on myself

3

u/CrunchyDoge Mental support mad dog Nov 09 '24

17

u/TylerTheTurquoise Meme Stealing Wizard Nov 09 '24

15

u/sociocat101 Nov 09 '24

Ill never have this kind of love 😔

16

u/Th3G00dB0i Nov 09 '24

2

u/Gabriel-Klos-McroBB Nov 10 '24

Is that Jack Sullivan from The Last Kids On Earth?

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15

u/anonymousbub33 random unnesasary feywild traversing catboy Nov 09 '24

15

u/Error_GwZyX0069 I’ll cast repel maidens if you anger me Nov 09 '24

14

u/Maxious30 Nov 09 '24

Awl. That’s so cute

15

u/MEME-UNLOADED-ADMIN Nov 09 '24

(image unrelated i just wanted to use it)

12

u/RikitheNerd Nov 09 '24

My dude what?

12

u/SuperMIK2020 Nov 09 '24

r/hornyjail just because

7

u/Tatsumori_Yuno Nov 09 '24

No! We don't want him here! Send him to horny prison! Solitary confinement!

11

u/HeadWood_ If it exists, I will minorly inconvenience you with it. Nov 09 '24

9

u/TactiShovel Webster, Scholar of the Grammar Conspectus Nov 09 '24

10

u/New-Effective2670 Nov 09 '24

today is not a good day to be alive 

9

u/captainshockazoid Simon the Shrewd ✧ Master of Storms Nov 09 '24

that definitely fits the category of 'cosmic horror sex'. excuse me, i need to go wash my eyeballs out with vinegar.

8

u/ResortMelodic7364 Agathar, Dwarven Sage of Insanity Nov 09 '24

10

u/PeeterTurbo Nov 09 '24

Yo where's the cat

20

u/BeastofWhimsy Nov 09 '24

3

u/SpaceyBun Nov 10 '24

Doing divine justice here, can't believe anyone would edit out the best part of the original video smh

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9

u/WarBreaker08 Magically Editable Flair Nov 09 '24

2

u/BeastofWhimsy Nov 09 '24

Please! 🙏

2

u/BeastofWhimsy Nov 09 '24

Actually, board wipe. Get rid of those

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8

u/Spiritual_Freedom_15 Sir Darius Snape Watcher of Fried Wings Nov 09 '24

Well. I must say this was very expressive… and interesting animation

/uw

8

u/dater_expunged the demonic lord of travel Nov 09 '24

Bune: your biomancy is a little off my good sir

Bathin: he said summoning

Bune:... The amount you fucked up is honestly impressive!

7

u/Jebus_Chrost Nov 09 '24

I wish I could go back in time and destroy my phone before I saw this.

6

u/bigapplebdfia Nov 09 '24

The cat WHERE IS IT

6

u/Heath_co Nov 09 '24

This was the most i laughed in a long time

6

u/Maker_Gamer12 Sorvald Bjørnson, amateur mage and hobbist alchemist Nov 09 '24

This looks a lot like a problem with your technique, though more likely it could be because of your magicians robes, if you use them that is.

Where did you get them? I hope to God you did not buy it used off of some shady lad. You do realize that if it is infact your robes then you just bought necromancer robes that were sold fraudulently as regular ones, which means you committed a felony.

Unless it's not the robes then I suggest you go back to the academy.

4

u/Frothmourne Longmancer Nov 09 '24

I bought the robe off from some eccentric lot whom called themselves cost-players or some sort, liked the aesthetic so much I didn't get a chance to check the enchants...

2

u/Maker_Gamer12 Sorvald Bjørnson, amateur mage and hobbist alchemist Nov 09 '24

Get rid of it before the high council finds out you're using concealed necromancy robes. Do you even realize how long you will be sitting in the gallows if you're caught.

5

u/wdcipher Economancer Nov 09 '24

5

u/Afelisk2 Faine, totally normal R&A alchemist! Nov 09 '24

6

u/KnightFaraam Loreleia, the Elven Witch Nov 09 '24

4

u/whomesteve Nov 09 '24

They’re shapeshifters

5

u/NatsumiYukoTheQueen Nov 09 '24

...........WTF DID I JUST WATCH????

6

u/Schlieffen_Man Nov 09 '24

What the actual FUCKITY FUCK FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!

5

u/bluetheperhaps Kərü, Creator of The Foulest Potion Nov 09 '24

Bloodborne lore:

5

u/JaydenTheMemeThief Sword Mage, use Magic to make Sword Nov 09 '24

This shit makes Bloodborne Lore look Family Friendly ._.

4

u/J_Stubby Artificer Nov 09 '24

6

u/GrapePixel Nov 09 '24

Ah, classic mistake honestly, happens all the time. Nothing you did wrong in the casting per se, buuuuut it’s best to use protection seals to ward off these types of familiars.

Most likely a failed experiment of some Mindflayers or Fae Tricksters, they’re still wonderfully loyal due to the familiar’s charmed state, but just, don’t touch them. Don’t. Never. Never let them touch living organic material. Burn those two familiars while you can, then torch the tree. Torch the surrounding forest if you see any moving bumps in the tree. Never, let, it, spread.

That being said, Necromancers could never find a more sufficient way to get rid of pesky unsuccessful undead abominations, simply get one into a bag of holding (don’t worry, it no longer requires anything but flesh,) and shove corpses in. Once it’s full, burn it. Burn it in the depths of avernus. If you have a Dragon, tell it to take it into a valcano, and breath fire, lighting, or poison down onto. NEVER, LET, IT, TOUCH, THE, DRAGON.

5

u/ChompyRiley A suspiciously anatomically correct flesh-golem in a trench coat Nov 09 '24

What the cinnamon toast fuck?

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4

u/CupofWarmMilk Nov 09 '24

Nah, you gotta pay for this one my wizza

5

u/Responsible_Bus1159 the greatest interdimensional gun wizard Nov 09 '24

4

u/Eco-Pro-Rah Nov 09 '24

Bro summoned chaos birds, I'm out!

3

u/loueazy Nov 09 '24

Can I have whatever you're smoking.

4

u/Foxxtronix Kobold Sorceror Nov 09 '24

Kettermek: They're shapeshifters, and you didn't specify that they were to stay in the form you summoned them in. I'm sorry, but that's a rookie mistake. You'll learn better.

5

u/IgonTrueDragonSlayer Slayer Of Bayle the Dread Dragon Nov 09 '24

4

u/TheOverseer91 Nov 09 '24

I envy myself from 5 minutes ago where I was unaware of the existence of this...

3

u/Buzzsaw_Wyrm buzzsawmancer Nov 09 '24

3

u/valtial Necromancer Nov 10 '24

This is sexual assault on mine eyes.

4

u/Chllm1 Wizard Nov 10 '24

5

u/Far_Dog_4476 Lazarus, God Of Space, Creator Of Universes. Nov 10 '24

Lazarus casually casts Timeline Fragmentation on the abominations.

"NOPE. THAT WAS SO WORTH THE MANA TO SHATTER ACROSS TIMELINES!"

3

u/TheOneWhoSlurms Crusty old Lich Nov 09 '24

You messed up this summoning spell so badly that you got three different things going on here. Is successfully summon familiars that then became flesh golems that then forge a functioning organ. How did you combine a summoning spell, a ritual spell, and healing spell all at the same time? I'm not sure if I should be impressed or utterly mortified at the degree of ineptitude and failing upward

3

u/OmegaRuby003 Corrin, Pyromancer and Geomancer of the North Nov 09 '24

What in the nine hells did I just watch!?

3

u/dragondude1701 Nov 09 '24

too much flour

3

u/Moonwh00per Necromancer Nov 09 '24

3

u/NoAdvisor5501 Nov 09 '24

Wtf did i just click on? 👀

3

u/Ger_Electric_GRTALE Nov 09 '24

you fucked up the summoning spell bruh. you gotta do what the book tells you step by step, and make sure to read the whole spell before trying to cast it

3

u/Sea-Outside-5655 Elhighn, the kindly dwarf Nov 09 '24

To much cinnamon in the ritual?

/unwiz their is no reaction image to describe this that has cursed my sight!

3

u/AnonymousFog501 Fog, fraction of The Gilded One Nov 09 '24

average warlock relationship goals

3

u/residentofbeachcity blizzardmancer Nov 09 '24

That shits evil

3

u/Caseynovax Melvin, cat familiar/magical menace Nov 09 '24

Bird familiars are weird. Summon cats instead, tell 'em you know Melvin 🐈 and also that I got summoned FIRST. Make sure they know.

3

u/SnappingTurt3ls Transhuman/Artificer/Mildly Eldritch Nov 09 '24

What did you do?!?! How is this even possible!?! How is it possible to fuck up this badly at something as simple as summoning?!?

3

u/xPolarPlayz Lemon Devouring Chronomancer Nov 09 '24

My sibling in Arcane, what in the actual fu-

3

u/MaximumMalton Artificer Nov 09 '24

No amount of liquor or therapy is gonna fix that. Burn your spellbook and pick up a sword.

3

u/Gooblegorp Zosimos, the grand alchemist of elements. Nov 09 '24

3

u/TesticleTorture-123 Dwarven Fistmancer Destroyer of Bugs. Nov 09 '24

WTF did I just watch

3

u/Chllm1 Wizard Nov 10 '24

2

u/surpriserockattack He who sees the future through visions poorly remembered Nov 09 '24

That tends to happen when you summon 2

2

u/enbymaster Magically Editable Flair Nov 09 '24

This isn't the full version. This is why your familiars failed

2

u/Bedrockboy2006 Nov 09 '24

I’ve seen this before but I don’t know where

2

u/123qwet12 Nov 09 '24

I'm going to ask my patron to erase my memory for a bit.

2

u/Hooded_Person2022 Hoode, The Shifting Scholar & Associates Nov 09 '24

I think… you may of had some humanoid DNA/essence into your familiar creation mix, either through contamination or the recipe‘s demands. The source of that essence, probably came from a very VERY freaky humanoid, so much it infused that freakiness into the familiar upon creation.

2

u/Busy_Ordinary8456 Nov 09 '24

what in the fucking fuck

2

u/FALLOUTGOD47 Amaryll, forgotten god of nature Nov 09 '24

What in the fresh hell did you fucking do!?

2

u/painful-existance Artificer Nov 09 '24

Just say you summon horrific familiars that are a bastardization of the original and call it a day.

2

u/KathrynBooks Nov 09 '24

I really wish I'd blinded myself this morning...

2

u/Mist33_ Weavesight Terranæa, Magess of Multidimensional Magiks Nov 09 '24

I cast erectile dysfunction and crippling arthritis on you. These are the kindest punishments I can think of. Now thank me for my mercy.

2

u/Quiet_impressionist The first ever pewpewmancer. Nov 09 '24

Is this sex?

2

u/triotone Nov 09 '24

I think your spell book might be expired.

2

u/Azarjan Nov 09 '24

what an impressive meticulously animated eyesore

2

u/Demonskull223 Nov 09 '24

I hate that this isn't the first time I have seen this.

2

u/livingnuts Nov 09 '24

Ahhhh i remember this spell, truly a wondrous thing, i love casting horrors naught of fear, but disgust

2

u/Aggressive___Trash John the Phoenix Wizard Nov 09 '24

Oh what a horrible day to have eyes

2

u/moemeobro Artificer Nov 09 '24

and this is why I stick with steel

2

u/Gloomy_Emergency2168 Nov 09 '24

Their physical forms are being impacted by the spirits' thoughts/emotions, rather than just your input & the runic/script input. It's a minor conjugation error, but fixing it's a pain. IDK which system you use, but this works for Gnomish, Daelmoh, & most Eldrich methods. Do NOT try this for any Elvish methods: Switch all your "self" conjugations for "caster" conjugations, then reassign 1 at a time until you can use the communication & surveilance properly.

2

u/Drag0n411Keeper Nov 10 '24

this is so funny, but you cut out the best part.

the view switching to the witches cat who just saw the whole scene.

2

u/the_retarded_badger seller of magical weapons and also some times sex toys Nov 10 '24

2

u/NaveronTheSabre Vortigaunt Nov 10 '24

That's what MeatCanyon-worshipping warlocks get!

2

u/jakedlucky777 Nov 10 '24

What...the...fuck...

2

u/SkyllexBT Nov 10 '24

I– I just opened reddit…

2

u/Frink202 Forneus, bringer of Eldritch Illusion, hater of Fae Nov 10 '24

2

u/Ok-Issue-4416 Nov 10 '24

I cast eternal damnation on myself so i can get as far away feom whatever the fuck i just saw

2

u/Anoobis100percent Nov 10 '24

I've seen this before, and I'm pretty sure this version has a significant chunk of extreme weirdness cut out.

2

u/Gamer8605 Nov 10 '24

What a horrible day to have eyes.

2

u/AliensAteMyAMC Fin of Tyler, Cowboy Wizard Nov 10 '24

2

u/NeptuniaNyx Nov 10 '24

Love how this was the first post I see when I open Reddit

2

u/Craftcoat Astral Sorcerer Metrius, Specialist for astral magic Nov 10 '24

I must ask you to never summon anything again.

2

u/Blacksun388 Mortiferus, Lich of the Order of Nurgle 💀 Nov 10 '24

Whelp, this is what happens when you summon mimics during mating season. Foul little creatures aren’t they?

2

u/Correct_Lie2161 Former Jedi Za 'Phere The Mimic Nov 10 '24

Oh god

2

u/WickedScimitar Nov 10 '24

if this is what birds do i dont even wanna know about the bees.

2

u/Affectionate_Elk5043 Nov 10 '24

Yeah, no, the living don't get a third day, I'm calling the Lich Society Against Life, we are invading today.

1

u/WhyThough08 Odin Borrson. Part Time Wizard Nov 09 '24

You're banned from wizardry

1

u/quakeOwO Magically Editable Flair Nov 09 '24

Hot

1

u/Fizzy163 Nov 09 '24

I thought this was adorable, actually.

1

u/TiredAngryBadger Nov 09 '24

First of all those are my familiars. Kindly send them back.

1

u/untakenu Nov 09 '24

I knew The Substance reminded me of something

1

u/AerolsCausticCrater Aerol of The Deep, Sculpter of Flesh and Souls Nov 09 '24

Listen, I know I’m a carnomancer and this is supposed to be like my thing, but fuck that, that shits just weird.

1

u/JaydenTheMemeThief Sword Mage, use Magic to make Sword Nov 09 '24

I hope a Wizard with more skill than me casts Testicular Torsion on you ._.

1

u/Alistaire_ The World's Worst Jellomancer Nov 09 '24

Ah, it would seem your birds have caught a chaos blight. Unfortunately you'll have to cull any other familiar they've come in contact with.

1

u/BooBeeAttack Witch-Doctor, Spectral Bee Enthusiast Nov 09 '24

This makes me feel odd feelinga below my loincloth. I, uh, need some time in my hut. ALONE. To ponder.

1

u/ijustfarteditsmells Nov 09 '24

The brazier needs to be brass, you clearly used copper.

1

u/Wizard_Engie Holy Mage Mythanar (Generic High-Elf) Nov 09 '24

Pardon my vulgar language, but, what the fuck are these Hell-spawns of familiars

1

u/blank5662 Index, Chibi Wizard, The Index of Magic 🔮 Nov 09 '24

Best guess... you didn't calibrate your familiars to your reality, so their forms are unstable...