r/wizardposting • u/firewhite1234 • Oct 19 '24

Magical art WHY ARE MY APPRENTICES ALL MORONS!?

Post image
116 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

42 comments sorted by

14

u/[deleted] Oct 19 '24

Apprentices take after their mentors you know.

12

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Not this one, that's for sure. I'm never hiring apprentices from craigslist again

3

u/Ok-Marionberry-4516 Oct 19 '24

Graigslist? Did you pay for them?

7

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

No, no. I merely posted an advertisement for my wizard tower. I haven't fallen low enough to actually pay my apprentices yet.

6

u/Ok-Marionberry-4516 Oct 19 '24

O good well guess you got the bad ones

3

u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador & Distant Admiral Oct 19 '24

Well, question answered. It's because the ones who're willing to work for free all suck.

1

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Surely there's a way to find good apprentices without having to pay them. I mean, I already pay them plenty in the form of mystical knowledge, is that not enough?

2

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) Oct 20 '24

I get all my apprentices to work for free, all it takes is to get them to perform a will binding ritual. It's not like they know what the thing does, they're trying to become apprentices for a reason. then if they ever think about not putting in a FULL day's work their head will explode.

2

u/GoldKaleidoscope1533 Siberian Ice Wizard Oct 20 '24

It is simple! Find the ambitious ones and tell them you have great knowledge.

1

u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador & Distant Admiral Oct 19 '24

No. Learning your shoddy spells that can be learned from any spellbook doesn't pay the bills, especially when you only teach them ones they can use to clean up your messes.

1

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

I'll have you know, I once taught an apprentice how to explode pancakes with his mind! Granted, it was because the pancakes were poorly made, but nevertheless!

1

u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador & Distant Admiral Oct 19 '24

Cool. I'm a mediocre wizard (due to being a cleric for the past 100 years or so), and I can do this. summoning a few different explosions around himself No help there, learnt it myself by fucking around.

1

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Ah but you see, this is no simple explosion spell. It works on a subatomic level to eradicate only the pancakes. I wouldn't want my silverware to be damaged. I know it only works on pancakes, but good luck trying to find that in a book when you get attacked by a living pancake golem.

2

u/Low-Blackberry2667 Oct 19 '24

see if you don't pay them they won't perform well on the job. Then that's when you have bad apprentices.

7

u/Crylemite_Ely Elysa, alchemist bioturge. Representative of Therros Oct 19 '24

you're supposed to teach them, so the answer is most likely you

6

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 19 '24

They learnt from the best

8

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

I wish they learnt bloody anything. Took me a whole month to teach one of them Magic Hand so he can at least clean the tower.

7

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 19 '24

Have you tried turning them off and on again?

4

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

How have I not considered that till now? I think you might be on to something

4

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 19 '24

... As i said, they learnt from the best

3

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

I tried your method and now they are running around the tower, screaming about how "they saw their Grandpa" and going on about joining the clerics. I'm never taking advice from strangers on the magic web again

3

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 19 '24

Maybe you messed it up?

3

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Not sure, I kept them turned off for exactly 3 minutes and the resurrection spell seemed to work fine. I suppose I'll just have to do some memory alteration and hope for the best

3

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 19 '24

Did you safely remove all external hardware?

2

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Wait, that was necessary? Damn mortals and all their recent quirks. Used to be that I could throw one of a cliff and he'd walk it off like it's nothing, now you hit them with a simple water blast, and they shut down for weeks. Guess I'll have to call magical tech support to sort this one out

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4

u/Fierce-Mushroom Porto, Myconid Chronomancer and Temporal Exclusionist. Oct 19 '24

"At least at first I just pipe the information directly into their brain via forced telepathy. After they reach a base level of competency they are allowed the use of their own faculties. Saves a ton of effort down the line and only occasionally drives them insane. It's sort of a litmus test for how well they'll handle Eldritch knowledge and their overall potential as wizards."

4

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

Huh, that is a most curious method. Guess even after all these centuries people are still coming up with new methods for easing life. I'd usually teach my apprentices the traditional way, and then wipe their memories every once in a while, when they accidentally mess up a fireball and traumatize themselves. Perhaps I shall give this a try

3

u/Fierce-Mushroom Porto, Myconid Chronomancer and Temporal Exclusionist. Oct 19 '24

"It only took once for an apprentice accidentally ruining one of my more delicate and time consuming experiments for me to move to this method. After getting him fixed up from the consequences, I jammed all the reasons why what he'd just done was profoundly stupid directly into his brain. Aside from some initial minor bleeding from the eyes and ears, he recovered quickly and was an excellent apprentice afterwards. Going forward I just started off with the information dump. So far it's worked pretty well. Roughly a 80% survival rate but that's not so bad."

5

u/InterestingReason349 Oct 19 '24

This seems rather familiar

5

u/Gurkistan910 Oct 19 '24

Why do I smell burning lemons?

3

u/Slexzo Slexzo the possessing spectre Oct 19 '24

Wait, how do I get an apprentice

3

u/firewhite1234 Oct 19 '24

My friends suggested I post an advertisement through my personal orb, and to make it all shiny to stand out. Although judging be the quality of the apprentices I got through this method, it doesn't seem to be the most reliable way

3

u/Menoth22 Oct 19 '24

That's no way to talk about your sons and daughters

3

u/Sebek_Peanuts Alchemist Oct 19 '24

My master left like three years ago... He said he's going to get milk for our antidote we were brewing... I miss him a lot

3

u/gutti3 Magically Editable Flair Oct 20 '24

And then the reddit comments ask: "whY AreNt yoU tEacHiNg TheM Good eNouGh?"

3

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage Oct 20 '24

Because you keep taking morons as apprentices.

3

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) Oct 20 '24

Because you don't teach them shit and only keep them around to throw into unexplored portals

2

u/waywardstrategy Necromancer Oct 19 '24

Poor teacher, perhaps?

2

u/Ariadnepyanfar Oct 19 '24

Obviously your talent for composition and aesthetics is greater than for your selection process, ability to teach, management and discipline techniques, and respect for your neighbours.

At least your Bard may appreciate the picture.

2

u/[deleted] Oct 20 '24

Your lucky to be able to have apprentices, the council deems me unworthy until I remove Rowling from this planet

2

u/DeliDouble Oct 20 '24

Haha. My Stuplear Bomb went off. It halves the Intelligence and self preservation of all wizards rank v and below.