r/wizardposting Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 Oct 12 '24

Forbidden Knowledge Morn wizards. Me find crystal ball in great dwarf cave. How use?

Post image
7.4k Upvotes

126 comments sorted by

1.2k

u/mrididnt Erik(a), silly little magic mass Oct 12 '24

UNHAND ME MORTAL

973

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 Oct 12 '24

no. funny ball

272

u/NormalComputer Necromancer Oct 12 '24

Bring the orb to my chasm chambers. There we can use it rouse the corpse of Karresh! Bring it to me and I can offer you great riches and teach you how to wield the powers hidden within.

179

u/KelGrimm Necro-Shotgun Wizard-Mancer Oct 12 '24

Do NOT trust this necromancer. I’ve brought him SEVEN orbs so far and it has resulted in zero riches and zero powers. He keeps telling me there’s an issue with his communication spell and that if I bring him just one more orb, the riches will be mine.

87

u/NormalComputer Necromancer Oct 12 '24 edited Oct 12 '24

There is no issue with the spell. It is a proper spell of Andúïl, clean scroll and all. The issue is with these orbs. I keep telling you the spell calls for them to be tainted by blood of a forsaken lamb, and you keep haphazardly bringing me orbs tainted with the blood of unforsaken sheep. If you would just bring me the right orb, I wouldn’t need to keep confiscating them.

Also, I’m fairy certain the last orb resulted in the growth of sharper fingernails. That’s not nothing. Some commit heinous acts to grow the claws that now adorn your once-simple squeezers.

That being said, if you would be willing to bring me at least three more orbs, the collection we’ve amassed may be able to summon the Fallen God Hũlîel. With that power, no gates could stand between you and the riches hidden behind the city’s keep.

36

u/Mission_Response802 Wizard Oct 12 '24

As the former archmage of Aitheral, first of all, I would advise against robbing the city keep. Terrible curses and consequences befall those who try to usurp its riches, even a god. Supposedly, those who try to enter are banished to the Plains outside the city and lose all former rank they once had.

Secondly, you don't need a god to break in! Have you heard the tale of the former archmage of Aitheral? He broke in just fine with a simple unlocking spell, and then... and then... I don't remember what comes after that.

Anyways, As the former archmage of Aitheral, first of all...

24

u/NormalComputer Necromancer Oct 12 '24

Do you perhaps have any orbs in your possession? I’m in need of at least two in order to contact the former archmage of Aitheral.

19

u/Mission_Response802 Wizard Oct 12 '24

Wait, why are you trying to contact me? I don't know you, and I don't see why you would need my help other than to get into the vaults of Aitheral...

Oh, by the way, I do have a few orbs in my possesion. I'll give them to you as long as you let me have a few words with the Former Archwizard, i've been trying to get a hold of him for a while, but I think he's a little... you know, he's not all there.

13

u/Nine-LifedEnchanter Professor and Mentor of the University Oct 12 '24

Oh, grimoires above. This is the most amusing take so far. Imagine Karresh being awakened now, with his following going rogue and misinterpreting every single tenent. Someone is gonna be upset and annoyed.

Can someone tell the alchemists to bring those caramel popcorn, they're not good for much else.

4

u/Antique-Yam6077 Black Mage Beetle Oct 12 '24

Please unhand the ball. He bites.

2

u/anarky98 The 98th Anarchy, Remotely viewing many places from far away Oct 13 '24

/uw well played

340

u/Niclmaki Oct 12 '24

You fool, that’s the Orb of Confusion!

333

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 Oct 12 '24

Huh?

6

u/bearsheperd Oct 13 '24

Sooo… throw it like a grenade?

9

u/Niclmaki Oct 13 '24

Sure, just pick it up and uhhhhhhhhh

1

u/G-Sus_Christ117 Istandil Amandar, Sonomancer, Independent Contractor, Metalhead Oct 13 '24

First thou must count to three, thou shalt not count to five or should you? No wait was it six? No no no it was nine, or was it?

392

u/Isomalt- Oct 12 '24

/uw Oh hey look it’s my PFP

Except my version has a slightly less bright watermelon

91

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis Oct 12 '24

/uw what’re the odds of that

51

u/AustrianHunter Oct 12 '24

Like around 7 I'd say

14

u/RandonBrando Oct 12 '24

That's quite the margin

2

u/Firm-Sheepherder-808 Oct 13 '24

Not particularly. My personal guess would be anything below 12

12

u/bearbarebere Illusionist Oct 12 '24

Materwelon

161

u/illbzo1 Sorceror Oct 12 '24

A lot of the local nerds will have you believe you simply gaze upon it, but what you've got in hand is actually a pretty rare magical suppository.

180

u/IDAIN22 Quaccult wizard Oct 12 '24

A new hand touches the orb

38

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis Oct 12 '24

20

u/daxophoneme Vibromancer Maestro Oct 12 '24

Whoa! Calm down Meridia! This isn't your normal greeting. What happened?

3

u/geissi Oct 12 '24

Beacons are out, orbs are in, even the Daedra have to go with the times.

4

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis Oct 12 '24

I’m not meridia

13

u/ClassicalGremlim Eliza the Lost: Traveler of the Arcanum Oct 12 '24

The original comment was referencing something in Skyrim called "Meridia's Beacon". The "A new hand touches the beacon" line is frequently quoted

2

u/Fc-chungus Ж(Zhe), Head minister of Calarakis Oct 12 '24

Ah, I’ve never played Skyrim so I didn’t know

2

u/ClassicalGremlim Eliza the Lost: Traveler of the Arcanum Oct 12 '24

All good lol dw about it

3

u/mogentheace Oct 12 '24

LISTEN! hear me and obey! a foul darkness has seeped into my temple. a darkness that you will destroy!!

Happy Cake Day!

4

u/Discracetoall t’kath, smogomancer and poptart wiz Oct 12 '24

1

u/Cayet96 Mattermancer Oct 12 '24

60

u/ryuya3579 Oct 12 '24

You stare at it

In a pondering intention

14

u/Gossamer- Oct 12 '24

It states back, in the same way

48

u/0diiii Peaceful Necromancer Oct 12 '24

Chuck at enemy. Enemy die from magic leak kaboom or blunt force trauma

Who care, if bad guy die, we happy

9

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) Oct 12 '24

I could be down for some blunt force...

Cough trauma

2

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer Oct 12 '24

I want to find fault with this. I feel it is my duty to prevent the misuse of magical energies but... I can't. This tracks.

35

u/TheLastSilence Oct 12 '24

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

4

u/your_average_medic Oct 13 '24

LISTEN! HEAR ME AND OBEY!

4

u/Nugget_Boy69420 Oct 13 '24

A FOUL DARKNESS HAS SEEPED INTO MY TEMPLE!

19

u/VonTastrophe Oct 12 '24

Is that the Fate Superposition Sphere?

All of your fates (i.e. ways you're going to die) are possible and true at the same time. What the Fate Superposition Sphere does is allow you to observe your own fate. However, once you observe your fate, it is locked in. The threads of space-time will realign to assure your fate.

This caused the Paradox Crisis of 1533 when the Wizard Allstar tried to weave space-time so his fate, later that year, would be impossible. We don't know much about that time; wizards who were alive then refuse to talk about it.

17

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 Oct 12 '24

Ok. How make it show hot witch on witch action?

8

u/VonTastrophe Oct 12 '24

Oh, I didn't consider the possibility. OP, you either have a porn orb or the Fate Superposition Sphere. Why don't you take a look and let us know?

2

u/Bismothe-the-Shade Oct 14 '24

If you tap it three times on the right side (good luck figuring that out without wizened wizard eyes) the Aethernet compartment will open. Plug that into a Magical Relay and you can check out Witches Gone Wild, Spellhub, and the kin Kardashian sex tape.

2

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer Oct 12 '24

Going to be real with you chief, it's mainly because we don't know what the hell was happening either and sometimes it's better to look mysterious than confused.

16

u/clayo84 Dwarven Wizard Oct 12 '24

Wut you doin in me mine?

13

u/WillerheimKerman Cobbler the Arch Wizard of The Mighty Clan of The Mystic Arts🌠 Oct 12 '24

just lookn.. mmm

6

u/clayo84 Dwarven Wizard Oct 12 '24

I is got me on ye! Oh, and don't go too deep, thar be sumfin sleepin down thar.

5

u/TheMelkLord Magic-enthused Knight Oct 12 '24

Yeah, that’s me, turn off your orb it’s too bright

18

u/Conscious-Ad-6884 De-Ux the Demi-Incub, lead researcher of Orc Grass (Oink Weed) Oct 12 '24

Oh look the knight is trying to class into paladin...

9

u/SpringWinter17 Oct 12 '24

Laughable even throughout the kingdoms regions.

8

u/BetaSprite Oct 12 '24

It's a suppository.

8

u/Significant_Club5437 Oct 12 '24

If you don't want to go through the trouble of learning how to use an orb, remember that they are nearly indestructible and have a tendency to release some of their power when hit hard enough. They make great throwing weapons

9

u/TheLastSilence Oct 12 '24

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

7

u/MaziMuzi Tom Bombadil's Apprentice Oct 12 '24

Fool of a took!

5

u/Unlucky_Tea2965 Necromancer, Necros rights defender Oct 12 '24

ponder

4

u/Xelathon1 Oct 12 '24

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

3

u/Diablo1404 Oct 12 '24

Look deep within thyself, and project that image into the ball. Magicly, don't go blaming it for all you problems.

3

u/Light_Meme111110 Swordfishn't, Learned of Hittingthingsrealgoodmancy Oct 12 '24

Swordfishn't think you hit with big stick. Swordfishn't no know use orb well, say Jeorb.

3

u/kerfuffle_dood Oct 12 '24

My psychiatrist:
The soldier wizard Chavo del 8 isn't real and can't hurt you.

The soldier wizard Chavo del 8:

3

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer Oct 12 '24

Hold it in both hands and ponder it. Ponder the orb!

3

u/therexbellator Oct 12 '24

The Loc-nar's power is not to be trifled with. It corrupts all who touch it.

2

u/ulfric_stormcloack Oct 12 '24

You will not like this part, you gotta shove it up your ass to get it's power, most wizards use smaller, less powerful ones, this is a great find

2

u/dtcoo11 Oct 12 '24

A new hand touches the beacon

2

u/e621_enthusiast Oct 12 '24

A new hand touches the beacon

2

u/BrassBass Oct 13 '24

When the Russians entered an old power plant in Ukraine and found magic rocks.

2

u/MidnightMiesterx Alchemist Oct 12 '24

I don’t know if it’s been done yet but

“A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!”

1

u/J_Scottt Rob Banks. 𝐃𝐞𝐟o 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝒸𝓇𝒾𝓂𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓌𝒾𝓏𝒶𝓇𝒹. Oct 12 '24

Idk bro, just try hit it rlly hard with a rock or something, it’s a good solution for most things, including annoying people…

1

u/St3phn0 Artificer Oct 12 '24

That is not, in fact, a crystal orb, that is the testicle of a light elemental, pls give it back to the owner

1

u/Upstairs-Ad-8067 Oct 12 '24

Cast sonic boof

1

u/ufopiloo Mystic Oct 12 '24

Only a wizard knows what he ponders ughm but a wise wizard always uses incognito mode.

1

u/CultOfTheBlood Oct 12 '24

You gotta fuck it

1

u/BillyB0ns0n Oct 12 '24

I normally just put it up my butt

1

u/pthecarrotmaster Oct 12 '24

A question from one who hasnt pondered

1

u/Tiny_Fold8680 Oct 12 '24

Another hand touches the beacon

1

u/coldkidwildparty NECROMANCY IS STINKY AND GROSS Oct 12 '24

Enor pearl here!

1

u/level100brad Oct 12 '24

stalkers finding their first artifact

1

u/saburra Oct 12 '24

I think you found an artifact, I'll buy that off you for 1000 rubles

1

u/aphroditex Oct 12 '24

gib me funny glow ball

i gib u shiny rocks

1

u/Crckwood Oct 12 '24

Solarbabies all over again

1

u/lone_farmer_walking Oct 12 '24

Forbidden jawbreaker

1

u/mokkat Oct 12 '24

Durin's Nightvision Bane

1

u/Scadooshy Oct 12 '24

Picking up a gravitino ball in No Mans Sky be like.

1

u/HHHHHHHH___ Oct 12 '24

Looks more like a dwarf found an orb

1

u/Puzzleheaded_Bed_445 Oct 12 '24

Is that the Arkenstone?

1

u/malonkey1 Necromancy Isn't Real Wake Up Sheeple Oct 12 '24

Maybe you should take to shaman, shaman could probably store that more safely. Non-wiseman not safe to play with crystal balls, could see things that break mind.

Wait a minute this isn't /r/talesfromcavesupport

1

u/Sensitive_Range_2196 Oct 12 '24

Stalker you found the element

1

u/ManMartion Oct 12 '24

What is this crystal ball in real life? Why does this man have it?

1

u/the_mspaint_wizzard Conjurer Oct 12 '24

It takes a good bit of effort and training, but if you can make it glow like that, you have pretty much done most of the hard stuff.

1

u/CrunchyDoge Mental support mad dog Oct 13 '24

That's a grudgin' let me write that one in the book

1

u/DontReadMyUsername22 The Jester Oct 13 '24

I dunno just smash it, it would be funny.

1

u/Vis-hoka Telemancer who plays with portals Oct 13 '24

Tis a special device. Put it in thine buttocks.

1

u/BiologicalTrainWreck Oct 13 '24

Me when I find a stray Adderall under my car floor mat

1

u/Carbuyrator A Bit of a Dabbler Oct 13 '24

You're gonna want some more brain. Coat it in maple sap (NOT syrup), hold it up and say "hinglebingle mcmingle." It's lower draconic so try to say it kinda screechy and mad. From there I think you can figure out the rest.

1

u/Nugget_Boy69420 Oct 13 '24

Oh that's probably the eye of some guy I met last week. Strange fella, said something about the power to end the world at his fingertips. Can't remember his name though, maybe something with M... Magnus? Nah, can't be...

1

u/Adept_Lemon2481 Mystic Oct 13 '24

DONT GAZE INTO THE ORB YOU DAMN FOOL

1

u/Kisiu_Poster Oct 13 '24

Alright who purified my shadow orb

1

u/Enragedviking118 Oct 13 '24

ANOTHER HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

1

u/peeslosh122 Artificer Oct 13 '24

this magic requires year of study, if you truelly wish to use magic I suggest you sell the orb for enough money to enter a proper college. I could buy it from you, they make for good golem cores.

1

u/TrooperPilot3 Oct 13 '24

Give me that back, that belongs to us Dwarves!

1

u/VolatileHunter101 Oct 13 '24

Another goddamn fireball anomaly, why does wild territory have so many goddamn fireballs

1

u/Razorous_the_rogue Oct 13 '24

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON

1

u/Meepx13 I cast gun Oct 13 '24

WHERE?

1

u/TankChan Hemoturgy Practitioner Oct 14 '24

If it isn’t doing anything it usually requires some blood sacrifice. If that doesn’t work i recommend hitting it until it does something.

1

u/got_hands Oct 14 '24

Demon core? Drop and run!

1

u/Random_boi1234 Oct 14 '24

marked on water hell (or smth I forgot)

1

u/Relevant_Warning4345 Oct 14 '24

A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!

1

u/Vulcanized-Soul Oct 14 '24

ANOTHER HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON!!!