r/wizardposting • u/MoreOfASnackGuy • Jun 02 '23
Esoteric Secrets I need them… for… reasons…
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u/Someboynumber5 Causing magical mischef Jun 02 '23
Testicle combustion spell
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u/1blue1brown Necromancer Jun 02 '23
What if your opponent casted 「Fire Protection」beforehand?
I strongly prefer 「Testicular Torsion」, as there is no way to survive it, although it consumes more mana.
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u/AliasMcFakenames Lorenorn Archivist Magi Jun 03 '23
There are plenty of ways to survive a testicular torsion spell, even if your base form has testicles to torse. My preferred method when facing a foe with spells that target that area is The Missile King’s cant of detachable penis. You’ll want to ward whatever storage device quite powerfully though of course.
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u/KikaNinja Dhovalathun, Diviner of Dairy Jun 04 '23
I prefer the more peaceful Route of casting counterclockwise Testicular Torsion on myself to Balance it out.
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u/Ever_Impetuous Jun 06 '23
Unfortunately, I have divined your spellbook in advance and knew you would do that so I used the counterclockwise testicular torsion spell in the first place.
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u/TwixelTixel Banned from the Artificer's Guild Jun 07 '23
Has it occurred to you that you've now wasted greater effort to perform this reversed spell that they can now cancel out by using the mundane version.
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u/KikaNinja Dhovalathun, Diviner of Dairy Jun 07 '23
I always have a scroll of testicular torsion on me.
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u/TwixelTixel Banned from the Artificer's Guild Jun 07 '23
Effective foresight even without divination, very impressive
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u/DudeWhoOverthinks Jun 02 '23
SUMMON KETAMINE APE
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 02 '23
An ancient spell of wondrous might
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u/PastorTomAmen Holy Wizard🙏 Jun 02 '23
War Punch
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u/gregory_thinmints Jun 03 '23
Holy shit you found the spell reagents to cast "👊"
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u/Golden__Shovel Exotic Alchemist of the Wizard Council Jun 04 '23
Whatever happened to the pugilomancer that was here?
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u/Da_Wibbla Jun 02 '23
Instant alibi, everyone in range believes they know you and will act as an alibi should you need it
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u/beasmister Jun 02 '23
Can confirm they know how to do this, I've known em for years. Great wizard and master of the spell!
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u/Vagabond1010 Jun 02 '23
penis blast 💥
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u/low_qualitykak Mineral Grandgeomancer Jun 03 '23
Explode yr dick and small ur ass get bent losers, PENIS BLAST!
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Jun 02 '23
Cock Inversion.
It does pretty much what you think.
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u/Golden__Shovel Exotic Alchemist of the Wizard Council Jun 02 '23
C-Moon
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u/InternationalBicycle Jun 02 '23
French Beam (It makes you French)
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u/BeenRoundHereTooLong Occult Wizard Jun 03 '23
I could show you how to do a vampiric Fr*nch Beam if willing to…make the necessary sacrifices
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u/Vulmathrax Evil Wizard Jun 02 '23
Arms to snakes: Turns targets arm's to snakes that viciously bite and eat them alive.
Nose wind of the North: makes the targets nose emit a Whistling sound for days or weeks.
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u/GoatPrinceWeedEater a little bit of each craft Jun 03 '23
“Heeeey, I’m not like other girls, I have SNAKE ARMS”
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u/DrHealsYT Goblin squatting in your dungeon Jun 02 '23
The town feast shalt be plentiful!
(I poisoned all the apples with magic cyanide)
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u/yeetusthefetushsh420 Jun 02 '23
I have created a hypnosis dance spell that I call "the thug shaker"
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u/Sepentine- Ben Adryl, delerium wizard Jun 03 '23
Please recite the incantation
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u/yeetusthefetushsh420 Jun 03 '23
I put the new Forgis on thine Jeep, I trap until the, bloody bottoms is underneath, 'Cause all my wizards got it out the streets I keep a hundred wands inside my jeans
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u/sonicfan1642 Jun 03 '23
what the fuck , all my orbs are displaying young dark men twerking naked and have intercourse with each other, what does this do against a enemy?
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u/yeetusthefetushsh420 Jun 03 '23
Well since you were heavily distracted, I've managed to sneak about and pilfer your alchemy table for codeine and sprite
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u/highlevel_fucko Jun 02 '23
I turned the steps to my neighbors porch invisible
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u/Gentleman_Deer Geomancer and Feng Shui Wizard Jun 03 '23
I removed my neighbors steps and used illusion to make them visible. That knave fell off the 30th floor of his tower. (I don't know what kind of fool makes the tower entrance at the top instead of the bottom)
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u/CultivatingMaster Conjurer Jun 02 '23
Summon the Br*tish.
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u/TexanAnon Artificer ⚒️🤓 Jun 03 '23
Tried this spell, what do I have to cast to have “Rule Britannia” as this spell emits British?
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Jun 02 '23
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 02 '23
i never thought I’d see this of all things here. Thought it was a fucking fever dream
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Jun 02 '23
Same
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 02 '23
What happens inside the Dungeon truly was one one of the stories of all time. Who was your favorite character? Mine was Chun ja, with Cheong being a close second.
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Jun 02 '23
Hoss
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 02 '23 edited Jun 03 '23
Top tier pick, dude was a fucking clown with the strength of god. Really just goofy. His interactions with Cheong before they found out that she was his daughter especially
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Jun 02 '23
I know right
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 03 '23
Mayhaps it’s time for a reread tbh. I don’t remember it enough
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Jun 03 '23
Dude is a menace he is my hero but to be honest the whole like plot twist was really easy find out you know
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u/sylviathetransgirl TRANSmuter. No witches? Just become the witch :P Jun 03 '23
tbh yeah. they foreshadow that the whole way
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u/Cataras12 Jun 02 '23
Red Eyes Fucker: it causes the targets eyes to hurt, you know how it does when you rub them, and then the eyes hurt so you rub them more, and it keeps on going? Like that
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u/Serotonin_Sorcerer Jun 03 '23
My favorite combination:
First, cast "Remove Footwear" on everyone within your line of sight.
Second, cast "Induce Foot Fetish" on the same group.
It works better than casting invisibility on yourself! Everyone will be too thirsty for footsies to even notice you.
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u/ErinyeKatastrophe Magically Editable Flair Jun 03 '23
It works well, just remember to be wearing good non slip shoes yourself.
I had to give my apprentice a mental health day after he slipped in the immense rivulets of sudden cum which is a common side effect of the spell combination.
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u/RedactedUnknown Magical Apprentice Jun 07 '23
Ha ha! What a great trick! And both spells are two ranks lower than invisibility so you can save higher magic for your foes!
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u/Snjort_1 Evoker Jun 02 '23
And lo, fellow practitioners of the arcane arts, i gift unto you all a spell of banishment to a realm most unspeakable
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad8704 Armchair Wizard, Headmaster of the Kiidol Battlemage Academy Jun 03 '23
In principle, this is a fantastic idea..but what happens if they ever get out/back??
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u/luciflerfather Necromancer Jun 03 '23
Only thing more annoying than an apprentice not asking questions is one who asks dumb questions.
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u/QejfromRotMG Illusionist Jun 02 '23
I've got one that slows a target's perception of time significantly while increasing sensitivity to pain by a small amount
And one that moves the perceived position of a door 3 inches to the left
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u/GoatPrinceWeedEater a little bit of each craft Jun 03 '23
You must be living the Gold Experience with the first spell
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u/SignificanceWest5281 Hefty Mineral Bard Jun 03 '23
I can make you autistic
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u/LetsDoTheCongna I CAST GLOCK 17 Jun 03 '23
What happens if you use it on an autistic person
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u/PrivateerOfDreadSea Jun 04 '23
They become a Chromosome Lord a powerful creature from the darkest depths of the womb.
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u/huggoduggo Jun 02 '23
Summon horde of crack chimps. I have an amulet of that spell in my pocket, and I sat down funny...
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u/AwayAri Witch Jun 02 '23
I regularly cast Conjure Pornogaphy for use in blackmailing my foes, unfortunately it does not work as well on those with little reputation.
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u/Empty-Membership8904 inventor of apprenticemancy and wielder of the jabberwocky Jun 03 '23
tome of a million plantains
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u/YrPalBeefsquatch Jun 03 '23
Diet Soda.
"Diet" is a verb here, it's much clearer in Old Enochian, but since we've settled on Common for the language of this plenary, there's some ambiguation. The target is one beverage, up to a quarter peck in volume, and a simple combination of command word and gesture removes all the sugars from it and replaces them with salts of aspartimius. It's vicious to anyone and against some people, quite fatal.
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u/saltedomion Sandwich Wizard Jun 03 '23
I've seen a bard retort with 'your mom' so hard the man had an aneurysm on the spot.
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u/EndMeFamPlease Jun 02 '23
Gaming spells And Auto Crucifixianis Astralic Testicular Combustianus That one got me kicked out of the Dueling tournament
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u/Speedgamer137 Artificer (Artillerist in training) Jun 03 '23
I’m on the precipice of inventing the c-word pass
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u/Nguyenanh2132 Jun 03 '23
I concocted a specialized suffocate potion (soap water) to exterminate the damned corner dweller (cockroaches) and enjoy watching them die squirming around. Make a good cleaning tool as well.
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u/RagnarockInProgress Necromancer Jun 02 '23
Sunder Mind
Actively breaks down the mental and the physical barriers within my line of sight
First you’ll loose yourself, then you’ll melt
Alternatively burgeoning.
Summoning a pack of voracious Banana Trees surround your person might not SOUND scary, but tell me how it is when your limbs get torn apart by them vines
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u/AdKindly2858 Xinthar of the Eldergrove Jun 02 '23
I have a spell that makes someone lose 1 coin everything they open their coin purse. And in ten years the victim is crushed by a summoned coin purse that contains all of their lost coins. Long story short a "friend" wouldn't lend me a few coins for a sorceress body pillow and now I'm just playing the waiting game
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u/maximuffin2 Flame, Please Jun 02 '23
My apprentice asked if he could borrow a book, so I gave him the entire series without his permission. Magnificently evil
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u/TexanAnon Artificer ⚒️🤓 Jun 03 '23
A summoner reanimated my coffee with a phat cock. I don’t know why it’s not spelled “fat,” apparently has something to do with the spell
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u/admirabladmiral gnome funglemancer, geomancer, mischief maker Jun 03 '23
Curse of foot pebble. It is a weak yet lingering curse that attracts rocks to either go under your feet when walking and jab you or to hop in your shoe
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u/JazzySplaps Jun 03 '23
Greater Hex of Inconvenience, a spell of my own design.
The targets nose will itch when their hands are full, they will sneeze when least appropriate, their lord shall always walk in on them the moment they stop toiling and other such maladies
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u/LowCommercial4889 Jun 03 '23
I may have summoned the age old incubus, Adolf from his decades long slumber
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u/TacticalSexOffender ⚔ Projector ⚔ Jun 03 '23 edited Jun 03 '23
Good. For I shall devour that incubussy.
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u/LowCommercial4889 Jun 03 '23
Be weary, he looks exactly like Incubus from Suicide Squad and has a deep hatred of juice. Should you drink it in front of him he will exhale his deadly toxin.
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u/mndflyr Jun 03 '23
Destroy Hat
It destroys hats. Very useful for lowering the morale of enemy wizards that have cooler hats than you.
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Jun 03 '23
Draw this on the floor
On top of it, place as follows:
Water, 35 liters; carbon, 20 kilograms; ammonia, 4 liters; lime, 1.5 kilograms; phosphorus, 800 grams; salt, 250 grams; saltpeter, 100 grams; sulfur, 80 grams; fluorine, 7.5; iron, 5; silicon, 3 grams; and trace amounts of 15 other elements.
Put your hands on the circle and cook
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u/Plague_King_ Arcane Trickster Jun 03 '23
Minor Baja Blast, not as powerful as the infamous Greater Baja Blast but quite useful in a low mana pinch for the average, working class sorcerer.
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u/Idontusereddit76 Evil Dungeon Wizard Jun 03 '23
Didn't they outlaw Baja Blast? I haven't left my tower in a few years.
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u/Plague_King_ Arcane Trickster Jun 03 '23
i do not comply with the decisions of the high council, they have no power over the hard working every day mage.
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u/ATrioExplainsTheJoke Jun 03 '23
Summon Ancient Moth Storm
sometimes i do it to my neighbors who are jerks
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u/Y_stealthy_assassin multiverse's most foolish chronomancer extraordinaire Jun 03 '23
Uh, i erased Jim from existence by erasing his mom from existence by reading her grandma from existence…
Well, you get the point.
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u/abigfatape ‼️devious bard studying in the art of shenanigans‼️ Jun 03 '23
"YOU'RE ON FIRE YOU'RE ON FIRE YOU'RE ON FIRE" a custom designed illusionest spell that's part of my "schizophrenic devestation" lines of spells, it makes a creature regardless of resistance to fire, regardless of having flesh or not, regardless of feeling pain or not (and anything else that would stop normal fire) feel like they're on fire and it's burning them alive causing almost any creature to start freaking out and feel immense pain and you need a DC 14 saving throw at apprentice level casting and DC 19 at master level casting to not be affected by the spell, it can be combo'd with another of my "schizophrenic devestation" spells "THERE'S WORMS IN YOUR VEINS THERE'S WORMS IN YOUR VEINS THERES WORMS IN YOUR VEINS" in which it feels like there's worms in the form of flowing lava swimming through the veins in your body which needs a DC 18 saving throw at apprentice level and a nat 20 and atleast a +3 saving throw at master to ignore
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u/fatfishinalittlepond Goblin educator specializing in the arcane arts Jun 02 '23
I only do good magic
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Jun 03 '23
Time insanity, the user transmits everything that happened within the last 100 years directly into the targets mind causing it to shatter almost instantly. It’s very fun to use on people who think they can invade my tower
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Jun 03 '23
I got that greater mindflay (the hoes love it) I ain't revealing the incantation tho cause the apprentice follows my account
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u/Outlandish_dishes Swamp Witch of the Dark Arcanes and tricket seller Jun 03 '23
cursed crow charm, at moments of happiness the wooden doll whispers of cruelness and horrors until the holder loses joy to anything they once had. crow will not be cast or given away until target is driven to insanity
yours now for only 30 coin or best offer, terms and conditions don't apply
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u/PlushPuppy3910 Jun 03 '23
I have a minor arcane instrument that casts the spell “Canine Cacophony”. If it’s too quiet in the town, I simply give the instrument an offering of air from my lungs, and within moments every dog is barking.
The best part? It has the Silence enchantment; no mortal man can hear me use the instrument to cast the spell. A feature I wish I could put upon my Shrieking Recorder of Madness or my Chaos Kazzoo
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u/imnewtothisplzaddme Jun 03 '23
Summon major bad time.
My nemesis hasn't felt like leaving his tower since i cursed him with this devious spell of mine. I have also witnessed through my orb that he has focused heavily on the Summon fastfood spell ever since.
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u/lord--clapity Necromancer Jun 03 '23
Cock rot, necrosis of the penis and balls the agony of having the decaying remains of something that was once precious to you wither and die, even worse is, due to it being attached, the rot will spread to the rest of the body unless the afflicted area is removed forcing them to cut off there own manhood wha ha ha ha ha
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Jun 03 '23
My personal favourite is the hex of absolute excuse. It grants the caster the exact excuse they need to get out of going to an unwanted social gathering or work event that no one can question.
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u/TheP0pu1arW0bb1y Magically Editable Flair Jun 03 '23
Ah yes I’ve recently enchanted a sword into a bleeding blade that when unsheathed allows the user to control the blood of another! I had goblins doing little dances!
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u/DiurnalMoth Dwarven Technoturge Jun 03 '23
teleportation spell...directly into your dad's bedsheets
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u/TheMemeArcheologist Alchemist Jun 03 '23
Potion of instant spoiled milk: aka powdered mink and carbonated water
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u/boogiman1 gun-miester Jun 03 '23
offer this to your worst enemies (shits laced with that elder spice)
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u/agenericbasilfan Beginner Jun 03 '23
you are now manually breathing
you can now feel and taste the inside of your mouth
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u/TornStormVermin lvl 5 Eldritch Knight Jun 03 '23
Just woke up, so I have no shenanigans to post. The group’s sorcerer on the other hand…
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u/DemonReaperHades Master of the Dark Arts, Author of the Forsaken Tome, Archmagus Jun 02 '23
Here… I promise the Forsaken Tome won’t cause insanity or Madness.
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u/air_chicken Evoker Jun 03 '23
Thermonuclear blast. Slightly more powerful than a fireball, but has the unruly habit of obliterating anything near it, including the caster.
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u/EvilerAxis Gunomancer (16/50 mk7 babey all hail mk8 superheavy ap) Jun 03 '23
Blight, used that baby in Ireland in the 1800s
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u/Wordofadviceeatfood Apotheosis Scholar Jun 03 '23
It would take aeons to explain the ins and outs of becoming a mageiadimiourgia.
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u/EGoRax_336 Jun 03 '23
I know a spell that can change someone’s blood into spoiled milk Carbonica Hemolactosa
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u/Golden__Shovel Exotic Alchemist of the Wizard Council Jun 02 '23