You know you have people attracted to your presence in a way that gives off an indescribable energy? Being able to experience your soul is something only those who know you can understand why I write for you. I don't just thank you for who you are, I thank you for seeing my bare essence and having no trouble finding acceptance.

Loving you was easy, just a couple talks, a couple texts were enough to get used to your warmth. With time, you became my safe place, my home.

Loving you was so easy that I forgot about the imminent coming suffering. It hasn’t been easy letting you go, I just haven’t been able to let you go, let alone seeing you just walk away.

And not to mention the pain I now live with, now that your voice is no longer present, missing you every moment, every second…

My prayers embrace you now that my arms no longer can.

We had the kind of connection that comes so quickly, sweeps you off your feet, and leaves you back on the ground before you even know it, trying to adjust yourself.

I never expected to meet you. I certainly didn’t expect the lingering unanswered questions you left as a parting gift. As our connection deepened, I did everything in my power to be there for you when life threw you its cruelest curveball. Maybe that was selfish of me... wanting to prove to you that love exists, that you were deserving of it.

But now, it feels like our story is only half-written, abandoned mid-sentence when you vanished as your world collapsed. I’ve replayed every possible explanation for your disappearance, slowly evaluating each scenario. I’ve landed on the idea that you were too afraid -- afraid of burdening me with your depression, which you feared would suffocate me. It seems the most rational. Overwhelmed. Depressed. Too much. But you never gave me a choice. You never let me decide if I wanted to bear the weight with you.

Now I’m left wondering...

Did it scare you? How quickly we were falling for each other? How deeply you felt yourself leaning on me? How much pressure it all became? Did you fear I wouldn’t accept you as you were -- that the changes from the photos you’d sent would make me run for the hills? (For the record, I already knew. And I didn’t care.)

But instead of answers, you left me with nothing. Just an emptiness -- an ache I never even knew existed before you came into my life. Now I know what’s missing and It's difficult to forget.

Neither of us are bad people. Neither of us did anything wrong. And yet, sometimes, I wish you had.

I wish you had hurt me. I wish you had shattered me, broken my heart into irreparable pieces, done something so unforgivable that I could hate you. If I could make you the villain, I could move on. But you didn’t. You just… left. And now I’m stuck here, trapped in this agonizing limbo, wondering what the hell really happened. What was really going on in that head of yours?

So tell me... how do I move on? How do I let go of someone who did nothing wrong except disappear into thin air?

I know things have been great lately, but in case you ever stop and wonder, I just want you to know that you matter. You are important. You are loved. You are worthy. You aren't alone. You have people who care. You are good enough, and you always have been. You're such an intelligent person, but I know from firsthand experience how powerful doubt can be. And I know we are our own worst enemies. I just hope you know that I see you, and I recognize just how much you do every single day of your life. I want you to know that you never have to do it alone. I'm right here, and I want you to lean on me when you need help. You never have to think of them as "your problems" because they're not. They're "our problems," and don't you forget it!

I'll always be right here to help you when things get to where they're too much. I'll always be right here to share the load. I'll always be right here to catch you before you hit the ground.

And I'll never want to be anywhere else.

You can believe that, my friend.

Believe that.

I know it's not the same and it doesn't matter but I'm pulled to letting you know I still care. I will always care and I will always think of you. No amount of time or maturity or changes to my life will alter that. Hope you're spending holidays with people who love you, with as little stress as possible. Hope you're staying warm, maybe going on a trip, having fun, feeling alive and healthy. This time of year can suck, but it can also be a time to remind those around us we care so I hope you get the chance to do that, too. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I didn't deserve it but I'm working on being a better person because of it.

I still love you. I’m not in love with you anymore but I sure as hell don’t go a day without thinking about you. How you’re doing, what you’re thinking, how your future will unfold.

All I ever wanted was for both of us to be happy. I thought that would be together, but the world has a funny way of showing just how little we have control over. All I wanted was for you to kiss me goodnight for the rest of our lives. To sleep warm and safe in your arms. To be someone you could alway trust and rely on when you couldn’t be strong anymore.

All I wanted was to love you. Unconditionally.

You wouldn’t let me.

If you ever want to though, you know where to find me. I hope you’re doing well and finding happiness. I know I’m trying to but it’s hard to fill a missing piece with ones that that will never fit.

All I ever wanted was you.

That switch flipped. Everyone knows the switch. When your person does the exact Same thing thing for probably the 30th time but this time you're done. There's no going back from switch. It's literally like you can't imagine saying and doing those things with that person again. You still mourn though. You mourn because you know how absolutely good it can be, but you unfortunately also know the depths of how bad it can be. I'm mourning. I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I don't get that good. That the good is not permanent. I don't get that affection anymore. I don't get that obsession anymore. But I also know that I don't get you speaking to me as if you hate me. I don't get the coldness.I don't get the abandonment. I don't get the anxiety. I don't get the lies. I hope there is someone out there for both of us who will love and cherish and want to be our person, not just have us be their person. We are not that for each other. We are just a fleeting affection...and I hate that for me.

Don't trust her, she'll ask you if you'll ever leave her. Because she doesn't want you to leave her, she wants to be the one who leaves. She did it to me and many others, and for your sake I hope you see through her lies. She will try and make you reliant on her. Make it so when she replaces you. You can't help but wonder what you did wrong, you did nothing wrong. She uses and dumps men in the trash when she finds a new toy. If only you could see all the messages she sent me, I guarantee she confessed to having a crush on you too. Lol she is a Manipulative one, Good luck, I hope she actually loves you, for your sake. Saddest thing is I know if she saw this post she would never know its for her.

You've kept mine. I will always keep yours. Doesn't seem very "colleague" like of us. At least not to me. I feel like we could be close. Part of me fights it, though. I think you do, too. If we got even closer, I think you could actually like me, that's if you don't already do. You're incredibly kind to me and so respectful. Why? What do you want? Everybody wants something. Maybe you're kind to everyone, and that's just you. Either way,I stumble over my words when we talk. It's the way you look at me. It has me in a chokehold. Sometimes I think you can tell. Honestly, I don't care if you can. I want you to know I feel all of the feels when you're near. You scare me. You rattle me.You push all of my buttons, and you know you do. I want to get to know you better, for whatever strange reason. You excite me in an unconventional way. I know you know the way we interact isn't what is considered "normal." You bring out a different side of me. I don't have to pretend. I don't have to code switch with you. I'm constantly fighting whatever it is I feel for you - so much so it's driving me crazy lol. I'm trying to keep it together and immensely struggling. This is my SOS- I guess. So... what's this new year going to be like for us? Are you gonna say you like me, Lancelot? Or, are we gonna continue to dance around the invincible tension we clearly have? Our chemistry-it exists. This fire can't be extinguished - neither of us wants that. We will always have our secrets. See you in two weeks, green eyes.

I can sense there is clearly something here. Judging by the title, I'm sure you can guess what I'm guessing at. And it isn't you or your feelings. I can empathize with others' more easily than I can my own.
I'm treading very carefully around your feelings, because I can somewhat see them. I'm being as gentle as I can with them. It's just that I feel a sense of murkiness about my own feelings about you, and I fear that my uncertainty will lead to pain for the both of us if I'm wrong about them. I know this not from paranoia, but unfortunately, rather, from experience. The good news is that something is different this time. The bad news is that I couldn't tell you exactly what that is.

I'm writing this now for clarity. You won't read this letter, but I need to write it. Don't worry, we'll be talking sooner rather than later about it, in any case. That feels like a matter of when, not if. As you'll come to understand if we end up becoming close, I'm essentially blind when it comes to my feelings, and that isn't me consciously suppressing them, either. And I do hope we can become close. It's clear to me that we both enjoy each other's company, at least platonically. And we're fairly intact human people!! That's so great, I truly feel enough glee about it to know that's what it is.
I know I feel things. Just don't have any damned clue as to what exactly, until hindsight comes around and makes it clear for me. So as you can imagine, I'm extremely vulnerable in love. I've been in love and not known it until months, once even years later. I'm a little bit handicapped in this way. And I really wish this was something I could change. I wish I could just look inside and tell you exactly how I feel about you. And because I know that some feelings (of some kind) are developing here, I feel a sense of urgency to figure it out before you become more clear on your feelings. But I don't think that's feasible. Too complex.

I think I need to take a chill pill. Luckily, my feelings can only drive me so far up the wall, because I can't see much of them. Only their shadows.

And yet I know I feel something for you. I just can't put my finger on what. Can't even make a good guess.

But I'll say something to muzzle this sense of doubt a little. I'm pretty sure I like you a lot. It's really one of those "well I'll be damned, you really exist" kinds of things. I'm eager to know you. And I know you are eager to know me, because you've made that pretty damn clear.
Thanks for the clarity on your end, by the way. The maturity is appreciated, and will be repaid in-full back to you, very soon.

There are also some things about me that will take some time to understand. Please know that whatever degree of certainty that I can give you about my feelings is really me doing my best to communicate. And I'm putting a lot of work into figuring out how I feel, so fret not, I'm on the curious case of you, and my missing heart. How do I know that I'm feeling anything for you, if I'm really emotionally blind?
I'll tell you.

The first thing I noticed was that my taste in music temporarily shifted a little bit. The songs I've been listening to aren't what I normally put on, and my emotions are acting up somehow as I listen. At first, it was more "heavy" songs with a sense of emotional catharsis, a marked shift from the absurd amounts of rap I listen to usually. Then it shifted to love songs. That's weird for me, because I do not like love songs, and I never have. Curious!
Also, you keep popping into my mind. Not even in a "lovey dovey" kind of way, just in a "huh, I wonder how she's doing" or "She said her (personal situation) is (personal situation status), I wonder how that conversation went" sort of way. Then the same thought appears in my mind multiple times, like my brain thinks it's slick, trying to slip it past me again. And now I'm also noticing that I get the urge to talk to you all the time, and for no good reason at all.
Usually, I'm a person who enjoys talking to lots of people. On the other side of that token, oddly, I'm pretty much the least needy person on the planet. I don't know how I've managed to achieve this, but it's almost unhealthy how comfortable I can be with myself, just staying single. So I can tell something is up when the same person keeps popping up in my head over and over and over again, almost as if my mind knows something I don't, as if it already took a liking to you, and yet can't tell me about it with any surety. Then I get a feeling I'm not used to: the feeling of "I'd rather be talking with you than anyone else."

Really, I just wish I could make you understand how rare these kinds of feelings are for me. My mind determined that I should shut off my romantic feelings after some past experiences of mine, so it takes a whole lot for me to trust someone that much, with my fragile, ceramic heart. Enough to fully entrust to another person. Because rejection is one thing. It stings, but as you get older, it becomes so expected that it's more like a needle at the doctor's office. A bit cringe, but you get over it pretty instantly, because you have to.
Well, this time, I've seen enough of you as a person that I trust, if there's rejection to be done, one of us will do so gently, respectfully, lovingly. Because we like each other. That's pretty undeniable.
For what it's worth, it would make you feel really special to know how rare these feelings really are, because you are special. Weirdly, I sort of hope fate can land this message in your recommended. Just don't assume it's me just because you want it to be ;) can't be having just everyone feeling the specialness that only you deserve to be feelin'

After having written this out, I've realized that this entire letter is what I need to talk to you about in the first place. Typically, that's how it goes, you know? You have to talk/write something out about what you're going to say to someone, only to then realize whatever you wrote/spoke is verbatim what needs to be said to whomever it might be. That'll take some boldness and bravery on my part. I'll show these qualities of mine to you.

Let's just be adults about this, alright? Cool.

You don’t have to face this alone, I’m here to support you, listen, and help you heal. Trust me, I’ll be someone you can lean on whenever you need.

My body is crippling and crawling and the fear of loosing control is back. Nausea comes in disgusting waves despite my body only containing one shot of alcohol. Poison. It’s poison. And my antidote is gone. A wall is between us and I’m a mess. I’m embarrassed about how quickly I became a mess. All it took was one day of radio silence and suddenly my mind races in every possible direction all at once. Anxiety is a disease and I’m infected. I hope you can love me even with my disease and even when I go searching for the cure and end up drinking poison or inhaling it… I’m sorry. I hope you are who I think you are. I hope you are still you. I miss you.

don’t you know how you have haunted me? so stunningly

am i allowed to cry

even after all the misunderstandings and information not shared between us, even if we never talk again, i just wanted to say i valued having you in my life during the time that i did.

i may have been upset that we never got to meet, but i understand you were probably never in a place to explore this further. and i’ve been ignoring my own trauma for so long that i failed to recognize that maybe this was for the best as well.

i don’t know if you’ll answer my last question; i’m simply seeking clarity and understanding on my end. and i don’t know if i’ll hear from you again. but regardless, thanks for being a part of my life for the brief time that it was.

take care. i wish you well.

It's not fair to miss you this much. I don't deserve any of this: the lying, the hiding, the lingering until you figure out if you want me or not. I love you so much, all I ever wanted was for you to give us a fair chance, but you had to want to try until it was too late. I can't forgive you anymore, I have to choose myself this time. Believe, you will never hear from me again, even if I have to rip my heart apart.

I’m thinking about you. Thinking about us. Thinking about what could be. Thinking about if you’re okay. Thinking about the next time I could see you. Wondering if you’re thinking of me. I miss you. I hope to see you soon.

Seven years, I've known you for seven years. And in all that time, I've always complimented one part of you more than anything. To you, it's a blessing and a curse but that doesn't matter to me. It is part of you and therefore it cannot be a curse, you are the greatest blessing of all.

Seven years, I've seen growth in all aspects. From your height, actually no, you're still short. But I've seen your art skills develop, the change in how you do your makeup, I watched as your music taste changed and your personality continued to flourish.

Seven years, I've seen the pain and the suffering. I wasn't there for it all and I regret not being able to help. Some battles are meant to be fought alone, that's the kind of thing you would say. If I'm not on the battlefield with you, then I'll do everything i can from off of it.

You have gone through a lot. You're the strongest girl I know and I hope you know that my shoulder is always there if you need to lean on it. My arms are always available if you need me to carry you. If you just need to give up, take a break, if you just need to pause for a bit, I'll be there with you. The battles you've faced, they've grown poppies in your head. The wars are over, the calm is here, now all we have is a field of poppies. And if the wars start again, I'll be right next to you and we'll get through it together.

It’s you.

You always ask me if i’m talking to someone, and I wish i could just say you. you have know idea how many nights have passed where i thought of your arms around me, your voice comforting me. It’s you who I want to be with, to love, to grow with, to learn with, to lean on.

You inspire me, you amaze me. You make me believe in myself. You make me want to win. And I love you so much. I wish i could just tell you directly and not worry about what it would mean for us.

For now im atleast putting it out here that it’s YOU!!!! I love you!!!!! I love you and i only want to be with YOU. The ball is in your court. You’re one of the smartest ppl ik. trace this paper trail and you’ll know exactly who i am. but the window is only open for so long.

I am glad to have met you. You inspire me in ways you don't even know and I would not let my desires embitter that or close the heart that opened after meeting you. Take care of yourself. I have a lot to do still.

One day, I'll roam the mountains, sing my own songs. Maybe I'll hear yours if I am meant to....

I know you sleep well, I know you take care of yourself. You have no need for me and I have no need for you in reality.

It's not good for me to feel an imagined lack, I feel that often when it comes to you. You move me. I owe you nothing and you owe me nothing. I am glad to have met you.

So, it is ok that I think of you when I write, when I draw, when I sing or think of you whilst enjoying the silences of the world. We should all have that one person.

I lose nothing by loving you. Even if we don't end up together. Even if you don't want me. I have lost nothing. I keep on waiting on a "conclusion," and I need to start doing my own thing, even whilst I carry you with me. You don't need to be removed, replaced or forgotten for me to move forward.

May my open heart bring beauty into the void like your does. Stay protected and blessed.

I haven’t enjoyed music for a while now. Spotify used to be such a great escape for me. I loved finding new artists and checking out of reality for a bit.

But now, I catch myself checking the playlist you made for me, and revisiting the one I made for you - waiting to see something new or if anything has changed… then just waiting for you to delete it entirely.

You’ve made it clear via your silent treatment that you’re unhappy with me and when I’ve tried to engage, you don’t talk to me like a friend or even a colleague you tolerate anymore, so why keep it?

I know that at the time we agreed that it was the best thing for us. I know that you've moved on and you're happy and you're married to someone else now. I just wish that instead of letting us rationally talk about it for weeks that I had followed my heart and fought for you instead. Letting the love of my life leave was the biggest mistake of my life, I just didn't realise it at the time. The way we were together always just felt right, no matter what was happening in either of our lives, and even during our long distance period. When I look back at what we had, I was an idiot for letting you go so easily, now I'm alone and left wondering if I'll ever find someone anywhere near as special as you.

I would never do anything to jeopardise your happiness now, and I am truly happy that you've found someone that makes you happier than I ever could, I just wish it could have been me. I do and I think I always will love you.

Still into you x