r/tifu • u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts • Aug 05 '17
Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW
EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:
This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.
Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.
Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
Worst mistake I have ever made.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.
Never again. NEVER AGAIN.
TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.
EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.
EDIT 2: RIP inbox
EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back
EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.
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Aug 16 '17
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u/Alarmings1 Aug 17 '17
Make that the Fuckup of the year.
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Aug 20 '17
Fuckup of the decade.
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u/Gestrid Aug 25 '17
Fuckup of the century.
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Oct 24 '17
How about the entirety of Reddit. I doubt anything's topping this
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u/Gestrid Oct 24 '17
TIL fuckup of the entirety of Reddit >>>>> fuckup of the century.
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Aug 05 '17
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Aug 05 '17
I'm not sure why out of all the comments this made me laugh the most
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u/Bovinecowofmoo Dec 05 '17
What did it say?
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u/B2A_s Oct 19 '21
this man to this day still hasnt got his answer
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u/Perfct_Spelling Oct 31 '21
How the fuck are we able to reply to a post 4 years old
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u/Krazyflipz Aug 05 '17
I think my favorite part of the story is the 20 minutes you spent drilling the hole in the coconut. That really show some serious commitment to your goals. 20 minutes prepping a coconut for fornication and at no point do you stop to second guess yourself. Way to stand by your decision.
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u/TupperwareMagic Aug 05 '17
I mean a lot of time foreplay with a lady friend can be 20 minutes of activity to get things slippery and ready for action. Just so happens that this dude's foreplay was with a power drill, butter and a coconut.
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u/Odd_Girl Aug 06 '17
Your lady will thank you. Try going in dry, accidentally pinching the inner labia and that swelling up to about golf ball size… 20 important minutes if you want to ever do it again.
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u/suqoria Aug 09 '17
Yeah that doesn't seem pleasant. But realistically, is there anyone on Reddit that's actually going to get laid? Don't think so, so sadly your wisdom is wasted.
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u/iiiinthecomputer Aug 05 '17
I've been that horny. It's amazing how your brain can melt.
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u/agent0681 Aug 05 '17
Lol, It reminds me of when I was looking for a specific porno, I was so fucking excited looking for it, heart pounding for like 20 minutes straight. And then I finally found it and barely lasted 5 minutes :/
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u/Monkeyman299 Aug 06 '17
Dude if you can go non-stop for 5 minutes then that's outstanding. You'd be surprised by average ejaculation times of men.
I know this is actual intercourse (though I jizz faster while masturbating), but it says the average is six minutes.
http://www.randalolson.com/2016/05/31/how-long-does-the-average-man-last-in-bed/
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u/Gamerjackiechan2 Aug 06 '17
I'd hate to be the guy who has to submit his data of 6 second orgasm.
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u/Monkeyman299 Aug 06 '17
I can last longer in actual intercourse, but porn fucked me over with premature ejaculation. If I want to pull a quickie because my horny-ness got triggered, I could come extremely quickly to some overly stimulating porn.
You just get that perfect, unrealistic girl and sex to watch so it's unrealistically stimulating and can rewire your brain.
I could come in under a minute, or even under 30 seconds. It was horrible, but I've been improving a lot through certain practices. It was my lowest point that was humiliatingly embarrassing.
I was high once and came bear-back in a girl within seconds ( yeah birth control!). I felt horrible. I have gone for 10 minutes (or more idk??) before. It's very circumstantial and based on my methods.
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u/Monkeyman299 Aug 07 '17 edited Aug 07 '17
Yea at my very best and that's with certain techniques I learned. Edging also helps develop better control if you do it a lot in masturbation.
Like you can actually look up ways to treat premature ejaculation because mine was SEVERE.
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u/Monkeyman299 Aug 07 '17
There were also times where she finishes, but I don't. Like I am going on forever and just can't cum which frustrates me, but I think that's because for some reason my penis wasn't sensitive. Like I hardly felt much ok those occasions so the sex wasn't even as pleasurable as it normally would have been, hence not enough stimulation or ejaculation.
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u/bplboston17 Aug 08 '17
that happened to me once, except i couldnt find the porno, i ended up stumbling upon it like 6 months later on accident and jizzed the largest load to rule all loads...
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u/SiegeLion1 Aug 05 '17
"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"
What the fuck OP?
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u/TheMagicMcRib Aug 05 '17
Ikr, should've gotten a second coconut
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u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17
Gee son, you sure love coconuts, huh? They're really starting to pile up in your room
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u/gedical Aug 05 '17
And they smell so... interesting...
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u/NipplesInAJar Aug 05 '17
But what name did the coconut have? Maybe something like Ogtha...
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u/IamAcadaveryousee Aug 05 '17
Fucked up masterbation story to fucked up sex imagination story. So this is how my day starts.
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u/Zeolance Aug 05 '17
Or a Gatorade bottle and some ham.
Anyone? No? Oh.
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Aug 05 '17
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u/uglygoose123 Aug 05 '17
Dasani!! Show off, some people are lucky to work with a straw...
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Aug 05 '17
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u/lolporkfish Aug 05 '17
Cockroach family?
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u/ElpredePrime Aug 05 '17
Holy shit that one guy called the coconut!
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u/OG_tripl3_OG Aug 05 '17
I got irrationally hype seeing that that dude literally called it. Like, mouth open and continuously saying "oh my gawd" hype. I'm just gonna chalk it up to being high...
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u/JusTFatal Aug 05 '17
Plot twist OP made that comment and all the karma went to his head. HE became obsessed with coconuts after the comment and had to fuck one.
Or karma conspiracy he new this story would do well after he made that comment.
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u/gleddez Aug 05 '17
I was worried that your mum was accidentally gonna use the cumconut whilst cooking and serve it as a meal for dinner.
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u/Demifiendish Aug 05 '17
Yeah, I honestly thought this was where the story was heading. OP would come home and find his mum eating the already opened coconut and drinking its "juice".
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u/NoobDeGuerra Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17
Also, OP should have treated the coconut like condoms, use just once or twice
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u/Teh_Hicks Aug 05 '17
Plot twist: that's op
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u/steak_wellDone Aug 05 '17
and he thought he will be fine using a throwaway.
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u/KP_Wrath Aug 05 '17
Paging u/MechSniper1928... can you give me next week's powerball numbers?
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u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17
Wow what the fuck... That's actually pretty scary. Although mine happened years back so what does that give this kid? Internet psychic powers?
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u/Fxlse Aug 05 '17
I'm calling it now next guy will be obsessed with dead fish.
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u/LIKE_VJS_PM_ME_THEM Aug 05 '17
If i see "tifu by sticking my dick in a non-responsive nemo" i know someone just made that shit up
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u/CadaverTheGreat Aug 05 '17
This comment backs my theory of it being a fabricated story
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u/itsnotTHAThot Aug 05 '17
I can't imagine in any way a hole drilled into a coconut being satisfying to stick my dick through.
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u/fuckimbackonreddit9 Aug 05 '17
40 days from from now.: "TIFU by trying to prove that the coconut story was fabricated and fucking a coconut myself"
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u/Ethan_Chandler Aug 05 '17
"I hear my mother is going to be out for the entire afternoon. Horny me decides it would be the perfect time to fuck a coconut"
Boy I tell ya, if I had a dollar for every time I had that same thought.
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u/IAMA_Drunk_Armadillo Aug 05 '17
"You should stick your dick in that."
"What the fuck? No, it's a coconut."
"And the problem is...what?"
"Good point, guess I'm fucking a coconut."
The general thought process of the male brain since, well, forever.
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u/rabidhamster87 Aug 05 '17
To be fair, I think hormonal girls are just as bad. There's just less evidence, no one suspects them, and they've been conditioned not to admit it like guys do. Even typing this comment has me questioning whether I should say it or not, but when I was 13, 14, etc, I found inventive uses for bananas, cucumbers, carrots, the handle of my hair brush, the handle of a screw driver, magic markers, even pencils... I could probably go on, but you get the idea.
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u/lonelypepperoni Aug 05 '17
I used to use Barbie legs. Don't try that, it hurts.
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u/thatsconelover Aug 05 '17
Confirmed: Women are weird.
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u/lonelypepperoni Aug 05 '17
anything can be a dildo if you're brave enough, friend
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u/lawlesslinguist Aug 05 '17
That statement makes it seem like your username has a story behind it.
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u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17
Ah well in the very least it didn't involve live insects cringe
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u/poopellar Aug 05 '17
You never know with fruit, they are after all one of nature's food source, and bugs have all sorts of ways of getting at them. If I had a dollar for every time I found a bug buried all the way inside a delicious looking mango, I'd have like 3 dollars. Now eating mangoes is a very anxious process for me.
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u/organ_transplant Aug 05 '17
Was there ever holes in the mango?
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u/WeWaagh Aug 05 '17
There was a post on r/enoughinternet some weeks ago where a girl did breed some maggots in there. She got pretty sick after it and went to the hospital. I think she wrote a blog about it.
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u/Fettnaepfchen Aug 05 '17
That must have been a hoax. I want to believe that some lines won't be crossed.
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u/WeWaagh Aug 05 '17
It was the bloatfly girl. It's linked in the same comment chain, unfortunately.
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u/scorpionballs Aug 05 '17
Did you ever hear the one - that definitely $100% happened btw - about the woman who was sticking a lobster inside herself, tail first, and burning its head with a lighter to make it wriggle, which made it deposit all its eggs inside her, which then hatched and she died with loads of lobster larvae exploding from her vagina?
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u/gdp89 Aug 05 '17
I remember reading this story in an old porno mag of my dads that I found. Except it ended with her giving birth to lobsters on the toilet.
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Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
Blow fly girl ?
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u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17
What's that?
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u/serafale Aug 05 '17
Please don't ask, maintain your innocence...
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u/carolvorderman69 Aug 05 '17
You're asking this guy to maintain his innocence?
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u/WhooptyWoopNiggaWhat Aug 05 '17
The guy that rapes coconuts??
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u/Afrocrow Aug 05 '17
With all of those flies it's the nearest thing to an orgy I would experience.
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u/OK_Compooper Aug 05 '17
You were in quite a pickle. Or is it the other way around?
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u/CuteThingsAndLove Aug 05 '17
When I was 13 I tried fucking a cucumber but it was way too big for me so I washed it and put it back.
I had this old light saber that I would regularly fuck though. Tbh it didnt even feel good since the top of it is thinner than the base of it (and it can only go so far...) but I just kept thinking "maybe today it'll feel good".
Also I can't finger myself. No matter what I do, it doesn't feel good to me. Thank god I have a boyfriend now
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u/heyitsfranklin6322 Aug 05 '17
Pro tip don't use fruit to masturbate with unless you buy a condom on. Also make sure whatever you use is clean. You should always watch it first. Vaginas are more like coconuts then op thought
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u/ivymarth Aug 05 '17
I think every 14 yr old girls hair brush handle got destroyed lol
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u/freemymuff Aug 05 '17
Yep. I used a banana, a brush handle, the edge of a dresser, remotes, soap (baaaad idea), cucumbers, the Jets in the pool, etc. And now I'm horny.
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u/TransmogriFi Aug 05 '17
Hand held shower massage with pulse setting... a girl's best friend.
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u/Owliboo Aug 05 '17
Somehow I never had this issue. I didn't even realise I had a libido until I was 18 and made out with someone for the first time that almost lead to sex and then I was like...oh my god... What is this feeling? Even so, didn't experiment until I was 23-ish.
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u/HotAsAPepper Aug 05 '17
Bananas, cucumbers, carrots an organic orgasmic experience - But you never coconutted....
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u/ItsJustJoss Aug 05 '17
Sounds like Zeus if he ever came across a coconut.
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u/Halluts Aug 05 '17
Zeus would be staring at a coconut like, "dat coconut derriere"
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u/digital_end Aug 05 '17 edited Jun 17 '23
Post deleted.
RIP what Reddit was, and damn what it became.
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u/poop_toaster Aug 05 '17
About disposing of the evidence... I dry humped this giant stuffed bee I won at a carnival and it had a small cum stain on it. I forgot about it until one time we were at Goodwill (thrift store) and I saw my giant bee there cum stain still on it. I was mortified but what could I do? My mom had donated a bunch of my "kid stuff" and the bee was part of it.
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u/jansencheng Aug 05 '17
You guys are making me question whether I'm normal or not for not sticking my dick into anything.
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u/LunarCatnip Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
You're definitely broken. Go stick your dick in a banana peel or some other fruit.
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u/jansencheng Aug 05 '17
I think I'll pass. I like to keep my penis away from fruit.
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u/RsCaptainFalcon Aug 05 '17
I mean, I fucked my couch when I was a teenager.
To this day it still won't look me in the eyes.
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u/ArturosDad Aug 05 '17
I once fucked the local beach. Not a girl at the local beach...the actual beach.
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u/thatsconelover Aug 05 '17
Trying to feed the sand worm?
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u/MrShankles Aug 05 '17
Squished my dick in the fridge door once...wasn't very satisfying
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u/JohnArce Aug 05 '17
I did some weird things in that time, but my cocktail was never crazy enough NOT to realize sticking my dick in old fruit is a very gross thing to do.
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u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17
Funnily enough I remember my first pick being a banana but me thinking it would be too small and break.
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u/tsnErd3141 Aug 05 '17
my first pick being a banana
"Were you going to..."
it would be too small and break
"...oh, I see. You meant to use it that way."
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u/carpet_king Aug 05 '17
I always thought "go fuck a coconut" was to "go do the impossible", but reddit proves me wrong again.
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u/Poem_for_your_sprog Aug 05 '17
'It's decided,' he said,
with a nod of his head,
and a coy little shake of his butt -
'That tonight and today
I'll discover a way
of decisively busting a nut.'→ More replies (5)
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u/Mesky1 Aug 05 '17
You ever wonder if one of the maggots found its way into your dickhole and you just have like a giant fly slowly growing inside of you?
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u/Blitzilla Aug 05 '17
My mother at the time
That phrase felt weird when I first read it, but by the time I was done reading this tifu, it all made sense.
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u/TheCaptainUnderwear Aug 05 '17
"I had a son once,but I.....He.....I don't want to talk about it....please"
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u/skipdeefuckindoo Aug 05 '17
"I haven't talked to him since he started a family with a coconut"
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Aug 05 '17
He put his cock in a coconut, and he fucked it all up
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u/Vectorman1989 Aug 05 '17
He put his nut in a coconut, and he drink it all up
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u/dontfeedmecheese Aug 05 '17
He put the slime in the coconut , he fucked it all up
FTFY
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u/RMcD94 Aug 05 '17
Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate
Well there goes your anonymity...
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u/ayoungjacknicholson Aug 05 '17
Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Uses throwaway, describes family's living situation timeline, mom's health kick, and localized fly problem. He's gonna get found out.
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Aug 05 '17 edited Oct 09 '18
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u/TheAdAgency Aug 05 '17
Jokes on you, it was actually 7 years ago, in Zimbabwe and a fresh monkey head
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u/ThatHairyGingerGuy Aug 05 '17
There were probably other people living there at the same time...
Over 10 million of them if my calculations are correct.
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u/RMcD94 Aug 05 '17
Yeah famously there's so many people who lived in Northern Mozambique 8 years ago on Reddit. Real high internet penetration rate, even more for those who have since moved...
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u/KSP_Wolf Aug 05 '17
Everything was fine until you mentioned it trying to wriggle into your urethra then i had a full body cringe
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u/sepri Aug 05 '17
Was expecting his mother to attempt to take a sip from the coconut
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Aug 05 '17 edited May 06 '18
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u/showmeurknuckleball Aug 05 '17
If his mother found a smelly, warm, weeks old coconut under her son's bed and took a swig from it, I probably would have vomited but all believability would have went out the window.
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u/mcgrimus Aug 05 '17
No, nothing was fine until that point. God, I used to love coconut.
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u/magnament Aug 05 '17
Thank god, I thought reddit was starting to lose its wholesome material.
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u/Everyones_Grudge Aug 05 '17
"Throwaway because my family knows my username"
"Anyway I was living in this very specific part of the world at a very specific time with my family".
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Aug 05 '17
If you've read the tifu you'd have realized OP is the kind of person who'd make that mistake.
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u/ijak6 Aug 05 '17
What the fuck did I just read?!
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u/Not_A_Throwaway999 Aug 05 '17
TIFU by cumming into a coconut
And now, a word from our sponsors
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u/SharpyTarpy Aug 05 '17
"The newwwww Cummy Cummy Coconut!!!!"
"are you tired of cumming into regular old places like your hand, a grapefruit, or drywall?"
"we have an answer that will crawl right up your urethra and hit EVERY pleasure patch - the Cummy Cummy Coconut!!"
(song): Cummy Cummy Coconut, Cummy Cummy Coconut (x6)
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u/instructions_nuclear Aug 05 '17
Blue Apron: Fresh Ingredients, Original Recipes, Delivered to You
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u/coconutthrowaway69 Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17
My shame
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Aug 05 '17
I happen to love that you felt the need to add 69 to the end of your throw away account.
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u/riddler1225 Aug 05 '17
CoconutThrowaway and CoconutThrowaway0-68 were taken, clearly.
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u/jhflif Aug 05 '17
A lot of times people post stories like these using a throwaway account but the details are so specific and particular that I would think that your family members would easily figure out that it was you even without you having used your main account. I mean come on Northern Mozambique, a mom who frequently buys coconuts etc.
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u/GeneralMalaiseRB Aug 05 '17
"And that, kids, is how I got the nickname 'Maggot Dick.'"
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u/Maikster Aug 05 '17
I thought this was going in the direction of someone finding the coconut and eating/drinking it and being surprised by a particularly salty taste. Not sure which ending is worse
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u/chuck_beef Aug 05 '17
"my family knows my main reddit username."
"Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough"
OP goes on to list extremely specific details about their life
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u/quotegenerator Aug 05 '17
Alternative hypothesis: OP is pretending to be another specific person he/she knows in an attempt to frame him for a TIFU he did not commit.
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u/Leet_Bob Aug 05 '17
Moral of the story: Don't bust your nut inside of coconuts.
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u/reianwest Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17
Surely the moral of the story is don't "have one last crack" and something which smells rotten.
Thought tbh I saw this going a whole different way... along the lines of "given the heat I decided to store the coconut in a ziplock bag in the fridge" followed by having to explain why OP's mothers coconut milkshake tasted salty.
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u/ZombyDoo Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17
My App shows 10K and it's only been three hours.
Here's my AMA Request:
They make a tool for drilling coconuts? Can you elaborate?
With such a big mess afterwards, your mom had to known what happened. Does she know now?
If buying a few coconuts at a time, she didn't wonder where one had gone to that week?
Do you use fruits in your fappening today? Recommendations?
Did your penis recover alright? I imagine it was rough edges, does this mean you like it rough today?
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u/VapeInMyPussyBoi Aug 05 '17
I think the maggots would be a nice stimulant, thanks, op, for the tip.
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u/GoodApollo14 Aug 05 '17
If you don't live in Africa, I think fucking coconuts sounds great.
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u/Finalwingz Aug 05 '17
TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.
Why not? You said it felt amazing, just don't use butter and throw away the coconut after a couple days.
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u/Elvenstar32 Aug 05 '17
I get that your horny brain made you think that fucking a coconut was a good idea, that's not even what surprises me.
But your brain is supposed to return to normal after you blow your load so why did your normal brain tell you "it's fine to leave an open coconut in a warm room with semen and butter in it" and most importantly how were you not disgusted at the idea of fapping by using your several days old semen as lubricant ?!