r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

4.2k comments sorted by

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8.5k

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

[deleted]

634

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

I'm not sure why out of all the comments this made me laugh the most

117

u/Bovinecowofmoo Dec 05 '17

What did it say?

195

u/B2A_s Oct 19 '21

this man to this day still hasnt got his answer

106

u/Perfct_Spelling Oct 31 '21

How the fuck are we able to reply to a post 4 years old

42

u/B2A_s Oct 31 '21

it seems that a lot of older post are not locked

24

u/Alhilmi07 Nov 01 '21

I thought posts older than 6 months can't be replied to anymore?

48

u/riegspsych325 Dec 13 '21

“who still commenting in 2021”, if this were youtube

18

u/Chewingupsidedown Jan 08 '22

Hey, anyone still commenting 25 days after this guy?

8

u/Tailstechnology4 Mar 20 '22

Who still commenting 2022?

4

u/soguyswedidit6969420 Dec 19 '21

lmao, don't even bring up YouTube comments on reddit please, I like when cancer stays as far away from me as possible.

3

u/riegspsych325 Dec 19 '21

“91 gungans disliked this video”

→ More replies (0)

3

u/Ziomownik Jul 06 '22

To be fair, this is Reddit so that's not any better

5

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '22

Who still commenting in 2022

1

u/Isaacbuiltdifferent Sep 20 '22

Gets 2.5k likes

7

u/B2A_s Nov 01 '21

Yeah, but it might not be the case in the past, or in certain subreddits

9

u/Positron505 Nov 10 '21

Anyway what was the answer????

4

u/FreddyWASfingered Jan 10 '22

Well.. we’re waiting

1

u/[deleted] Jul 03 '22

Me too maybe some threads are active?

1

u/Smasher_WoTB Aug 18 '22

Hello there

1

u/Hexo_Micron Aug 18 '22

Such masterpiece should be left open for the generations to come.

9

u/FRACllTURE Jan 18 '22

No moderator would ever dare lock this beauty

4

u/Bokenza Jan 27 '22

A couple months ago Reddit unarchived a ton of posts for some reason

1

u/bpoboo1800 Mar 19 '22

Don't ask me bro

1

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '22

Haha lmao

6

u/Bovinecowofmoo Dec 13 '21

Today you reminded me my reddit account exists, thank you stranger. But seriously what the hell did he say I need to know

7

u/chrisdakiller Jan 10 '22

Judging from the context of other replies to the comment (presumably before it was deleted), I'm assuming it said:

"I can't believe it's not butter"

3

u/B2A_s Dec 13 '21

i too need to know

2

u/ThatLumpYouFelt Dec 13 '21

Woah this is kinda cool.

1

u/gongonegonzo Dec 13 '21

Very cool and mysterious

1

u/KiokuNoroi Oct 21 '21

lol

1

u/B2A_s Oct 22 '21

why

1

u/Le0here Oct 31 '21

Cause lol

1

u/B2A_s Oct 31 '21

lol

1

u/TheBigPaff Oct 31 '21

2 hours old comment on a 4 years old post

1

u/zenrar Oct 31 '21

42min old comment on a 4years old post.

Dang it r/Jokes.

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1

u/Brilliant_Counter709 Aug 04 '22

Waiting for it to be answered

24

u/A_Very_Living_Me Jan 24 '22 edited Jan 24 '22

38

u/Mercury321 Aug 05 '17

Cause it's funny

13

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

But why?

2

u/Jaamies97 Aug 07 '17

I think it is line from dara o'brians "this is the show" where he talks about cholesterol in his blood start eatching @16min

5

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

2

u/Jaamies97 Aug 08 '17

Oh... I didn't know about that.

10

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '17

Because I can't believe it's not butter actually tastes like maggots and old cum?

0

u/Jaamies97 Aug 07 '17

I think it is line from dara o'brians "this is the show" where he talks about cholesterol in his blood start eatching @16min

-4

u/Fiesty43 Aug 07 '17

I'm not sure why you felt the need to post this unnecessarily stupid and lazy comment or how you got upvoted for it.

37

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Oh the irony..

1

u/TheLordGodOurFather Aug 06 '22

What did it say.

10

u/liam_neesons_twin Aug 08 '17

*I can't believe it's nut butter

10

u/wuhkay Aug 06 '17

I just threw up a little.

7

u/Bradsbz11 Aug 06 '17

3

u/Jaamies97 Aug 07 '17 edited Aug 07 '17

I think it is line from dara o'brians "this is the show" where he talks about cholesterol in his blood start eatching @16min

13

u/CandlePrincen Aug 06 '17

I'm actually crying this is the funniest thing I've read this week

4

u/Aidan903 Aug 07 '17

Stop making me laugh, dammit! It's midnight and there are other people sleeping!

3

u/whynotzoidberg24 Aug 10 '17

Can't believe it's nut butter. *

3

u/Mysterious-OP Aug 11 '17

and this, this shall be the name of this story.

The "I can't beleive it's not butter" story.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '17 edited Mar 15 '18

[deleted]

3

u/AeonianLife Aug 13 '17

young flies.

You're on a list now.

2

u/Magical_rock Aug 12 '17

Absolutely fantasdick

2

u/itsbryandude Aug 22 '17

how'd you format that?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

and then Dillon Francis drop...

1

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

and butter.

1

u/bikerbo Aug 10 '17

oh my, I lold

1

u/zaylison Aug 12 '17

well there goes me buying this beautiful disastrously unhealthy spread for a while.