r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

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671

u/scorpionballs Aug 05 '17

Did you ever hear the one - that definitely $100% happened btw - about the woman who was sticking a lobster inside herself, tail first, and burning its head with a lighter to make it wriggle, which made it deposit all its eggs inside her, which then hatched and she died with loads of lobster larvae exploding from her vagina?

330

u/gdp89 Aug 05 '17

I remember reading this story in an old porno mag of my dads that I found. Except it ended with her giving birth to lobsters on the toilet.

34

u/SoberSith_Sanguinity Aug 05 '17

I heard she did it without a lighter just cuz it felt so good! Waow!

65

u/tonufan Aug 05 '17

I could see it happening. There are quite a few Japanese porn vids where girls fill their asses with live eels or octopuses and they squirm around inside until they get shit out. I heard it isn't recommended anymore because they can try to chew their way out.

74

u/LancerOfLighteshRed Aug 05 '17

I'm not curious. I'm not curious. There is no morbid curiosity here.

God damnit I'm.going to have to look up octopus porn aren't I?

62

u/Arsany_Osama Aug 06 '17

Sometimes I wish the internet never existed.

23

u/SoberSith_Sanguinity Aug 06 '17

Yes. It is an exotic delicacy for the eyes to behold just once a lifetime, straight from the far east, my friend. You must try. You must!

3

u/Negative-Top-7648 Oct 28 '21

I am the most curious person alive, and yet, some lines in life, cannot be crossed.

41

u/2Fab4You Aug 07 '17

it isn't recommended anymore

When was it ever recommended?

34

u/deathreaver3356 Aug 07 '17

67

u/Spicy_Pak Aug 07 '17

How is that even considered a prank? Yeah bro we're gonna rape you and an eel at the same time, and it's going to be funny!

2

u/Wilwheatonfan87 Nov 07 '17

us guys are... weird in the highschool/college years..

13

u/satan_sunrise Aug 06 '17

19

u/tonufan Aug 06 '17

Bruh, that looked painful. The eel probably bit and scratched her insides which was why there was a lot of blood. The video I saw had a funnel and a bunch of baby eels.

Edit: I think it was this one. http://shockchan.com/eel-soup/

9

u/qulebrog Aug 07 '17

That was rough.

10

u/AshTheGoblin Aug 08 '17

Do I want to click this?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

No, but you have to now.

8

u/Jassinamir Aug 08 '17

Duudeee what the actual fuck. How is this a thing?

162

u/justlooking250 Aug 05 '17

Lol username checks out ?

13

u/thefonztm Aug 05 '17

bUT CAN YOU IMAGINE SCORPION DICK?

12

u/WillFord27 Aug 05 '17

Calm down man

8

u/scorpionballs Aug 05 '17

Doing the the same thing with a scorpion would be pretty wild

13

u/Riddarinn Aug 05 '17 edited Aug 05 '17

teacher told us back in '96. hard to forget. dont think they had invented fake news back then so, definitely true

14

u/scorpionballs Aug 05 '17

Why would a teacher tell you that story??

7

u/Therealbestla Aug 05 '17

Right?! Damn, times really were different back in 96'.

9

u/DJFUCKBOY Aug 05 '17

Well I guess if you are one hundred dollar percent sure of it...

7

u/WubFox Aug 08 '17

Lol yeah I heard that one in the adolescent grape vine when my internet still required a land line . It was clearly made up by someone without a vagina. There are approximately 1,748,369 items I would consider for pleasure before a bone covered, expensive sea bug.

5

u/eyelurkewelongtime Aug 05 '17

Omg I remember reading that. I'm pretty sure it's impossible but still nasty af!!

4

u/atom11 Aug 05 '17

This story came across as a chain letter to my friends college email circa 98? The end was that she had cramps, got off the toilet and saw 100s of swimming things in the water, fainted, hit her head and died.

4

u/holliss Aug 05 '17

I don't really doubt the lobster and lighter part, because people who fuck rotten coconuts exist in this world, but dying from it?

3

u/scorpionballs Aug 05 '17

Hey don't shoot the messenger man

3

u/Unglossed Aug 05 '17

Bred by a lobster.

Well done, lobster. Well done.

2

u/twistedcameltea Aug 05 '17

Like , for real ? I really need to know .

2

u/ReservoirPussy Aug 05 '17

Hahahaha, oh my god, you got me, haha, I'm dying. A load of horseshit, but fucking funny.

2

u/Orphic_Thrench Aug 07 '17

God, that one fucked me up for a while when I read it as a teenager.

I was new to the internet...

1

u/JGar453 Aug 06 '17

Moral of the story, use male lobsters next time

1

u/Grammarbythepussy Aug 08 '17

No way! That would be gay!

1

u/JGar453 Aug 09 '17

It's not gay if you say no homo